01x03 - Young & Lesbian

[bunniefuu]

♪

Elliot, stop giving me your "you're totally gonna mess this up" stare.

Then You stop making your "I'm totally gonna mess this up" face.

(Laughs)

Do you know how important this is? Logan Rawlings is coming to dinner.

We are talking about the editor of...

San Francisco Monthly...

San Francisco Monthly, she decides who gets on the "Thirty Under Thirty" list.

(Laughs)

We know, Elliot. You talk about that list more than you talk about your dream date with Anderson Cooper.

And if Josh doesn't get on the list, he'll be devastated!

He's twenty-nine, this is his last sh*t.

Imagine the pressure he's under.

Elliot, why don't you be a little less crouching tiger, and a little more hidden dragon?

What's going on?

Hey, Josh, everything's under control.

Okay, good. Because do you know how important this is?

Logan rawlings...

(Laughs) We know! We know!

Do you also know how devastated Elliot will be if I don't get on this list?

I'm twenty-nine, he's my publicist. This is his last sh*t.

Can you imagine the pressure he's under?

Yeah, I live paycheck to paycheck.

I know a thing or two about pressure.

Will you let her finish cooking?

(Doorbell rings)

She's here!

Hi, I'm Logan. And I'm not in the mood to explain my tattoos.

I'm Yolanda. And I'm not in the mood to show you mine.

Elliot Park. An honor to meet San Francisco's legendary taste-maker.

Aw, I hate kiss-asses.

Almost as much as I love them. Two times.

Wow. Look at this place.

Painting, love. View, love.

Pillow, hate.

That's why they call it a throw pillow.

Can I interest you in a Cinnamon Toast-Tini with actual crushed-up Cinnamon Toast?

Doubtful.

Mmmm. I want a recipe, a photo and another.

And here's the man of the hour!

Good evening, Logan. Welcome to Casa Kaminski.

Cheers.

(Laughs)

Wow. Impressive.

Yep. That coulda gone either way.

Glad it went the good way.

You know, I have to say, you're the most handsome tech guy I've interviewed for my list.

Oh, well, I have to say, can you repeat that into my phone so I can use it as a ringtone?

(Laughs loudly)

May I escort you to the terrace?

Oh, what's this?

Oh. Well, you know how at Costco they have all those free samples?

I don't.

Well, they do. (Laughs)

And I call 'em "Stor'd'Oeuvres."

If you take enough of them, they make a full meal.

And yet when I take 'em, they call security.

Well, I thought in honor of your "Thirty Under Thirty" list, I made thirty different perfect samples of San Francisco cuisine.

(Laughs) Get it?

(Laughs) Yeah, I went to Harvard.

I have a sweatshirt from there.

Your parents must be so proud.

Get out!

So, tell me, how does a tall, handsome Internet mogul with great hair get his start?

Oh, the way we all do.

You get shoved into a locker by a football player.

(Laughing loudly)

Oh! Dinner was superb.

That last spoon of Salted Caramel Creme Brulee was so rich it should have a Trophy Wife.

Well, I'm sorry you have to skedaddle.

And that I said, "skedaddle".

Why don't I walk you out?

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.

So, what do you think of my boy?

(Laughs) Look, I don't post my list until Friday, but I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

You wouldn't?

No. He's not on it.

But... what... you... but... why?!

There's a lot of great candidates.

This is San Francisco.

You're not the only stuck-up publicist I'm dealing with.

No, no! There's got to be something I can do.

Anything!

Uh, nothing.

I mean, unless you could get me a date.

Oh, believe me, no one knows the pain of not having Josh more than I do.

But, unfortunately, he's engaged.

Not Josh.

(Laughs) Well, I'm flattered, Logan, but I'm not really...

Not you.

That cute little blonde.

Oh.

Gabi? With the pots and pans?

And the cute dimples and great legs.

Any chance she's single and gay?

Uh, she's definitely single.

And now that I think about it, she doesn't have a girlfriend.

You don't say?

Oh, I say.

I say because it's true.

You put Josh on your "Thirty Under Thirty" list and I'll put Gabi on your "Girl-Under-Girl list.

Deal.

(Elevator dings)

Crushed it! List made.

What's the good news, my man?

Logan found someone in this room very impressive.

Yes!

Thirty Under Thirty!

I'm gonna go call Caroline and tell her the good news.

You do that! Go you! Whoo-hoo!

We have a situation.

We do?

Josh is not the shoo-in he thinks he is. The competition is very stiff.

Oh! Why does the competition always have to be stiff?

Why can't it be limp and...

Zip it!

Sorry!

Here's the deal.

I made arrangements for you to take Logan out to drinks and talk Josh up.

(Scoffs) Me? Why me?

For reasons I cannot explain, Logan has taken a liking to you.

Maybe it's your cooking, your style.

Or the fact that you're a woman and she wants a woman...

...'s point of view.

How cool is that! Okay, I'm in.

For free drinks, I'd even talk you up.

Just don't forget to flatter her.

Oh, you got it.

For Josh, I will charm the pants off her.

That is what I'm hoping.

♪ ♪

God, you smell good. What is it?

Oh, it's the September Issue of Vogue.

I just put it on the floor and rollroun it.

A natural blonde and a sense of humor?

You're a dream.

(Chuckles)

I'm so glad you wanted to go out.

Are you kidding? I'm so flattered.

You're the most successful woman I've ever been out with.

Look, I hope you're not intimidated by me.

I just want you to be able to tell me anything.

Let me just start off by saying Josh is amazing.

I mean, for somebody who's famous for creating award-winning apps and software, he's totally down to...

Enough about Josh. earth.

Okay, can I tell you one more... thing?

Shhh. Shhh. Shhhhhhh!

My mom used to do this to me when I talked too much. (Laughs)

I just wanted to change the subject.

Mom never did that.

Um, what exactly did Elliot tell you about me?

Just that you were single and I had a chance.

(Laughs nervously)

You know what? I could really use a drink.

How about a scotch on the rocks?

Oh! You're just like me. I love a good hard liquor.

(Phone rings)

Gabi, my favorite Chef, how's it going?

Elliot, you set me up on a date with a woman?

I am not gay!

I said that about myself for years.

What were you thinking?

Josh wasn't going to get on the list unless you went on a date with Logan.

She made that very clear.

Why didn't you just tell me that from the start?

If I'd asked you to go on a lesbian date, would you have gone?

No!

You gave me no choice then, did you?

Look, you're Josh's last chance.

So be funny, kiss her ass, or any other body part you feel comfortable with.

Elliot, I hate you so much right now.

The next time I see you, I'm gonna...

Hey! (Laughs)

God, you're cute.

(Chuckles) No, I'm not! You should see me without makeup.

Arf, arf.

I bet you're fetching. Get it?

Remember that time where you said that we could take things slow?

Oh, you don't? I do. (Chuckles nervously)

Done. You know what? Listen. Let's just take sex off the table.

(Coughs) Yes, let's take it off all the surfaces.

I mean, I think on a first date all you really need to do is kiss.

Talk!

I mean, how else do you get to know each other if you don't kiss... talk. I think...

I think talking is really the way to go here.

You know, with talking... I wanna know more about you!

You know, like, what makes you laugh? What makes you cry?

Do you recycle? Have you been to Washington, DC?

Logan, I can't do this.

I'm really sorry.

I thought we were having fun.

Don't you find me attractive?

Yeah, totally. You're beautiful.

And if I were into girls, right now we would be planning our fly-fishing honeymoon trip to Montana.

Whoop!

Wait, you're straight?

Oh, so straight.

Well, then why did Elliot tell me that you were... oh, God, to get Josh on the list.

Yeah. Listen, I didn't even know this was a date, until your hand was on my thigh.

Though I probably should've realized that sooner, considering there's only women here.

This is one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

Oh, man. Logan, I feel terrible. -It's not your fault. It's my therapist.

My girlfriend just broke up with me and he told me to get back out there.

(Sobbing) As you can see, it's going really well.

No, no, don't... don't cry. It's gonna be okay.

We were together for two years, and then she dumped me out of nowhere.

And she won't answer my calls or my texts, and she won't even pick up her stuff.

How much stuff are we talkin'?

A lot. Not to mention her cat.

She left her cat? You wanna know why?

Because it has one eye and wears a diaper?

No. Because she wants a reason to come back.

She does?

Yeah, she left a door open.

A little kitty door.

I'm gonna push her through it.

How are you going to do that?

You're going on a date with a lesbian?

Well, technically, I've already been on a date with a lesbian.

This would be the second.

We just did drinks, and now we're moving on to dinner.

Oh, you must really like her.

Ha-ha. This time we're just doing it so we can make Logan's ex-girlfriend jealous so she can get her back, in exchange for Josh getting on her "Thirty Under Thirty" list.

Wow. I went to work today, made Hazelnut coffee, a couple phone calls, had my boss's shoes resoled.

You went to work and had two lesbian dates with Logan Rawlings, the editor of San Francisco Monthly.

How crazy and glamorous is your life?

(Chuckles) I know. Oh, and make sure you don't eat anything, because I know we're gonna go someplace really fancy and I'll bring you back a nice entree.

Ooh, and an overpriced dessert?

Duh.

Okay. Now, do I look hot?

If you were somebody's ex-girlfriend and you saw her walk in with me wearing this, would you wanna get her back?

Mmm, depends.

Why did we break up? Have we really worked through our issues?

Has she changed? Because I don't want to end up with her in the same place a year from now.

Tell me I look hot!

You look hot. I won't wait up.

(Laughs) I can't believe your ex works at Judy Green's restaurant.

She's like the coolest Chef in San Francisco.

I've been dying to come here.

My ex is Judy Green.

What?! You got dumped by Judy Green?

That is so cool!

My usual table.

Um, you're paying, right? I could never afford to eat here.

I know. I saw your place when I picked you up.

Oh, this is great. We can see the kitchen window from here.

(Gasps) And there's Judy.

Stuffing those sausages without a hint of irony.

Isn't she pretty?

Yes, but you're prettier.

Okay, now all we have to do is get her attention.

Whatever I say, laugh like I'm hilarious and adorable.

I'm ordering two appetizers and an entree for my friend.

(Forced laughter)

She's not looking.

Okay, you're a little impatient.

I can see why Judy might've left.

Hey!

I'm sorry.

Okay, let's kick it up a notch. Take a selfie of us.

Ooh, I like your phone case.

Gwen Stefani gave it to me.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Okay. Now tweet it and write "hashtag best date ever" with three dancing heart emojis.

In high school, they used to call me emoji-wan Kenobi.

(Phone makes whistling sound)

Logan: She's not looking.

I don't think she has a phone in the kitchen.

What are we gonna do now?

All right, don't worry.

I have one more trick up my sleeve. Judy!

See? Works every time.

Bam!

I just pre-ordered five hundred copies of San Francisco Monthly.

You know that old saying, "don't buy a bunch of magazines before you make the list?"

(Laughs) Yeah, okay.

(Phone makes whistling sound)

It's a tweet from Logan. Maybe giving me a little sneak peek of the list.

What the hell is this?

It's hot tea. You asked me to get it.

Not that. This!

Oh! (Stammering) That's... that's called a "selfie".

All the kids are doing it.

Yeah but why are Logan and Gabi doing it, together?

Do any of us really know why anyone does anything?

It says, "hashtag best date ever".

Oh, hashtag I did not see that coming.

Elliot, what's going on?

That's exactly what I would like to know.

As soon as Gabi gets here tomorrow, that's my first question for that girl.

I'm calling her.

No!

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but you weren't getting on the list.

What?

Which is why Gabi decided to go on a date with Logan.

She wanted to do everything she could to make it happen.

I couldn't stop her.

Oh, please!

Let me get some bread to go with that bologna!

You pimped out my Chef?

Yes! And I did it for you!

For me? You mean for you.

Because you're the one who's been obsessed with getting me on that list.

And I told you I didn't care about it!

Oh, please. You just bought five hundred copies of a magazine you're not even in!

Admit it. You both wanted to get on that list.

Both: For him!

What about her?

Both: Who?

Gabi!

Oh!

(Laughs)

At least when Josh fires you, you can add pimp to your resume.

♪ ♪

Why isn't she coming over here?

Oh, she will.

Now, you feed me a bite and I'll feed you.

Oh, my God, that is so good!

You know what's really gonna bug her? You just keep feeding me.

She's coming over here! What do we do?

Um, okay, don't worry.

Sit back, let my plan play out.

She's gonna come over, get super mad, say she wants you back, and kick me out.

So I'm just gonna keep eating while I have the chance.

Logan, what are you doing? Is this some pathetic attempt at making me jealous?

That depends. Is it working?

Logan? Hey, Gabi.

Uh, Josh, what are you doing here?

Saving you.

Look, you don't have to pretend to be a lesbian to get me on the list.

Uh-oh.

You're straight?

No! Jeez, somebody's gaydar's on the Fritz!

I think you're the one who's straight.

I love women and boobs and chopping firewood.

Then what's he talking about?

I don't know. He's just some jealous ex-boyfriend.

He's the person that I slept with who made me realize that I am so over men and way into the lady business.

Oh, God.

I don't know what's happening.

I do. This is a ruse.

You're not gay.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, my God. I do. You are on a date?

How could you do this to me?! You never had time for me.

And now you bring another woman into my restaurant?

Oh, please! You're the one who left me so you could focus on your career.

How would you even know? You were always asleep when I got home from work.

Who goes to bed that early?

Someone who drinks a whole bottle of syrah waiting for her girlfriend to get home.

I never want to see you again!

You're dead to me!

Great plan, Gabi. Worked like a charm.

Well, the making her really mad part worked.

No. Let me get this. Please. It's the least I can do.

Thanks. This is the worst night of my life.

(Choking)

Oh, my God, Logan!

Are you okay?

I think she's choking!

Help! Anyone! We need one of those paddle-y-thingamadoodads!

That's for a heart att*ck!

Logan!

(Coughs, pants)

Are you okay?

Your entire life just flashed before my eyes!

Judy, you just saved my life.

Oh, God. When I said you were dead to me, I didn't want you to really be "dead" dead.

That's so romantic.

Next time you're drinking from a bottle of syrah, it'll be a bottle I bring home from the restaurant.

Oh. Just be sure. I like to go to bed early.

Oh, on the way home tonight, we need to buy more cat diapers.

Oh! I've waited so long to hear those words.

How lucky are we that she choked?

Pretty lucky.

(Laughs) That was genius.

What was genius?

His plan.

What... (Gasps) No! Josh!

I was so worried! You had me scared to death!

(Laughs) I know. You were great. You really sold that.

Thanks.

(Mocking laugh)

Hey, Gabi. I autographed my cookbook for you.

Oh, thank you! "Eating out with Judy Green".

Oh, that's clever.

"Stay away from my girlfriend or I'll cut you".

She is lovely.

Hey, Gabi, thanks for everything.

Oh, sure. And just before you go, um, not that I care, at all, but, you know, out of curiosity, how was, um... um...

How was the kiss?

Garlicky.

But great.

Oh, good.

And Josh, I owe you one.

We're even.

Seriously, I don't need to be on your list.

Good to know. Later, guys.

Bye! What is wrong with you?!

"I don't need to be on the list?"

Do you know how hard I worked to get you on that list?

I went on a date with that woman, and I gave her the best kiss of her life.

You heard her, she raved about it!

And I appreciate that.

Man, did I appreciate that.

But I realized I don't need to be on some list to validate who I am.

I've got a Porsche for that.

But I can't believe what you did for me back there.

So I want to do something nice for you. Whatever you want. Name it.

Can I drive your Porsche?

(Laughs) Let's be real.

♪ ♪

Oops.

Could you please be a dear and pass me back that San Francisco Monthly?

Oh! I'm such a butterfingers!

Why don't you have a peek at page forty-seven?

Elliot, I'm done with the list.

I don't want to see it.

Just have a little peek.

A peekaboo. A peekaroony. A pekinese.

I don't give a shih-tzu. I'm over it.

Would you look at the damn magazine!

You're number five! (Laughs)

No.

No?

We're number five.

Both: We did it!

What's going on in here?

Both: We made the list!

We did it!

♪ Thirty Under Thirty ♪
♪ Thirty Under Thirty ♪

Gabi will face her biggest test yet.

I can't have a baby, I'm still a baby.

I'm sweating like a barn animal.

If there's a bun in the oven...

This is the longest minute of my life. I feel like I'm throwing up.

That's not a good sign.

Her goose is cooked.

Are you pregnant or not?

I don't know, the test kinda got messed up.

How do you mess up peeing on a stick?