02x07 - Young & Ferris Wheel

[bunniefuu]

Mmm, now that was the best "I'm sorry" calamari I've ever had

(Sofia laughs)

So, you forgive us for totally screwing up your life?

Well, in a way, you two girls did me a favor.

Coleman got so mad about Dmitri, he wound up admitting he did cheat with the waitress.

And his hairdresser.

And the dog walker.

We don't even have a dog!

Ha!

Okay, so what are we watching for our first movie night, neighbor?

I grabbed it from Josh's office. It's a classic.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

(Seductive guitar music plays)

I didn't know Keanu was black.

Why is everybody naked?

They are really steaming up that phone booth.

Gimme that remote.

I gotta turn this up.

(Laughing)

(In Russian accent) We are bad girls!

(Sniffs)

What's that smell? Is it garbage day?

No, I made breakfast.

Oh! Did you make it with garbage?

Since your mom passed away, I know how hard it is for you on her birthday, so I made you a feast of eggs, bacon and buttermilk pancakes!

That is so sweet.

Where are those things?

Also, I put $20 in the Julia Child Smithsonian trip jar... (gasps) .. and if someone would stop taking quarters out of the jar, we would finally be able to take that trip you and your mom always dreamed about.

Aww. Oh! You hear that?

Mom just said you're the best friend ever.

Aww. Thank you, Mrs. Diamond.

Oh! What was that now?

(Gasps) Breakfast should be your most important meal of the day, not your last.

I think she's a smart lady.

Why don't I make you breakfast?

Oh, good idea.

Two organic eggs, toast, bacon extra crispy, and tick-tock, 'cause I gotta get to work.

(Laughs)

(Theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ Cos she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

Gabi! More coffee!

I haven't slept in two days.

Wow. Sounds like somebody's getting lucky.

That puts the "nasty" in "doing the nasty."

Sex with Alan is wild.

I feel like Elliot, Queen of the Jungle.

Last night we did it in the craziest place...

(Whispers) The bedroom floor.

Oh please, I've done it on the floor of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

I went in with a 20% off coupon, and got 100% off.

Hey! So...

Before my amazing girlfriend comes down, I need your help.

Shauna is being honored by the San Francisco Journalists Association, and I need to think of an awesome gift.

Oh, and ah...

Ferris wheel.

(Mockingly) Oh, look at me.

I'm rich. I can buy a Ferris wheel.

I was talking about the craziest place I ever had sex.

In a Ferris wheel at a wedding with a carnival theme.

b*at that.

I can.

My daughter's seventh birthday in the bouncy castle with the clown.

It turns out noses aren't the only thing clowns like to honk.

Ugh! Kids, clowns, hetero sex... there's nothing for me here.

Umm...

You have another kid...

Besides Brett?

Yeah, Danielle, she's 25.

Wow. (Chuckles) Two kids.

(Stammers) Is that it?

I don't talk about Danielle that often.

Unfortunately, we haven't spoken in years.

What? A mother-daughter not close? What happened?

Gabi, sounds like it's kind of a private thing.

(Whispers) Yeah, yeah, that's why I'm asking.

It's okay, Josh.

I was a child myself when I had her.

And if I'm truthful, I think we're just too much alike.

Now can we talk about breakfast?

Yes. Would you like eggs?

And do you at least send each other Christmas cards?

Well, I do. I just... I never get one back.

Not even an e-card?

But they're free.

Last I heard, she was making artisanal maple syrup in Vermont.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go cry in my car.

Shauna!

I'm just kidding.

A driver's picking me up.

I'm gonna cry in his car.

(Door opens, closes)

Hey, you know what a great gift for Shauna would be?

A therapist... thanks to you.

No. Get her and her daughter back together.

No, that's Shauna's personal business.

It's not my place to get involved.

Yeah, that's why it would be such a great surprise... she'd never see it coming.

Every mother and daughter want to be close. Come on, Josh, trust me.

(Laughs) Trust you? No.

But...

No!

Is that a firm...

Yes!

So that's a yes!

No!

No!

No.

Just...

No.

Okay.

(Yelps) Oh my damn.

A pig in a blanket.

I don't know what happened.

I came to get Josh's tux for the cleaner's, I smelled his pillow, and the next thing I know...

Okay, night-night.

Nuh-uh.

Okay, baby, something definitely isn't right.

Come on. I don't usually put you down for your nap until 4:00.

I spent my first weekend at Alan's place and couldn't sleep,

'cause I was afraid I might do something embarrassing.

It can't be more embarrassing than what you do when you're awake.

Hey, I just got an idea.

Can you come over to my house and watch me sleep?

I would, but the exorcist is on, and watching that sounds a little less scary.

I can get you front-row seats to see Usher!

I'm gonna need your address, a key, and some holy water.

Hey, Josh, I made you a little snack... chicken and waffles.

No thank you. I'm not hungry.

"Where's the maple syrup," you say?

I didn't say.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying the syrup's on the way over... from Vermont.

You didn't.

I did.

I called Danielle, and she really wants to see her mom.

I know you told me not to, but it was the right thing to do.

I had to!

Gabi, call it off.

(Doorbell rings)

Too late.

Shauna, would you come down here, please?

How dare you! I clearly said no.

There were no other words surrounding it. One word. "No."

What's all the commotion?

Shauna, I want you to know I had nothing to do with this.

Ta-da!

Hi, Mom.

(Gasps) Oh my God! Dani! What are you doing here?

Well, she flew all the way across the country because she wanted to see you. Isn't that right, Danielle?

When Gabi called me, I jumped at the chance.

And you wanna know why she never sent you any cards? Well, you tell her.

It's... it's just...

She really needed her independence, you know, but now she realizes that... you tell her.

My life is nowhere near as good without you in it.

Can you ever forgive me?

Can I?

(Gasps) She can. She can.

See, Josh? I told you this would all work out.

Now, if you wanna pay me back for her plane ticket, that would be really great.

Not cool.

This is totally not cool. This is a disaster.

Seriously? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Because what I'm seeing is a beautiful mother-daughter reunion happening right in front of us.

What could possibly be wrong with this picture?

That's Ferris wheel girl!

(Gasps)

Are you sure that's Ferris wheel girl?

I mean, it was years ago in the dark.

Dark? She was all lit up.

Her body was red, then blue, then yellow... then red again.

Well, maybe she won't remember you.

Come on, Gabi. It's me!

Josh, I'm so excited to say this, meet my daughter Danielle.

(Haltingly) Hi, I'm Josh.

Hey, nice to meet you.

(Haltingly) Nice to meet you, too.

Well, this calls for champagne.

Great idea!

(Cellphone rings)

Oh! I'm sorry, Dani.

It's Anderson Cooper. He gets real whiny if you don't pick up. I'll be right back.

So... maple syrup, huh?

Yeah, it's kinda random, but it suits me.

(Chuckling) Vermont!

Pretty cold there. Gets kind of cold there in the winter.

Yeah. Way to cold to have sex on a Ferris wheel.

I knew it! I knew you remembered me!

Yeah, who could forget? I mean you were red, and then blue, and then yellow, and then red again.

Champagne is served.

It's her. I told you.

You're Ferris wheel girl?

Damn it!

Do you see what you did?

Do you see what you did when you did the thing I told you not to do?

Well, if you didn't do the thing that you shouldn't have done, then the thing I did would've been the thing that I should've done!

So what are we gonna do?

Okay, everybody just shut up, all right?

This is a very precious day.

You know what you did to him.

He knows what he did to you. The important thing is your mother can never find out what you did to each other.

You want me to lie to Shauna?

That puts me in a very uncomfortable position.

Oh, really? Well, it can't be any more uncomfortable than the position you guys were in on the Ferris wheel!

(Laughter)

Gabi, this dinner was absolutely delicious.

And completely uneventful.

Mmm.

Mom, do you realize this is the first dinner we've had together in three years?

To making up for lost time.

Cheers!

Well, get ready, 'cause now it's time for the first dessert you've had together in three years.

I'm so happy. (Giggles)

Oh, don't worry, Shauna. I've got it.

I insist. You've done so much for me.

Thanks.

I mean, this is a miracle.

Things are going great.

I know.

She doesn't have a clue.

Well, thank God.

I really like your mom.

Yeah, she's great.

I love her... so much, and you know what?

What?

I love you, too.

(Choking)

I've thought about you every single night since we made love on that Ferris wheel.

It just keeps going round and round in my mind, like a... I don't know... Ferris wheel?

Yes! That's it! (Laughs)

I mean, you totally get me, and now here I am, sitting next to you. It's like... destiny!

Who's ready for dessert on the terrace?

I am, Mommy!

Oh, and can you make some hot cocoa?

Anything for you, darling.

(Giggles)

I thought she'd never leave.

What is wrong with you? You're acting crazy!

No, I am not.

I just wanna bite your neck!

(Grunts, giggles)

I'll be outside!

We'll be outside!

Perfect timing. I've got the dessert.

(Chuckles) Gabi, we have a problem.

Danielle's in love with me.

What? Why would you think that?

She said, "I love you," she's never stopped loving me...

(Mimics) She wants to bite my neck.

I see what's going on here.

You're just upset because I went against your wishes, it all worked out, and you can't stand it.

Gabi, is the water warm yet for Danielle's cocoa?

Everything's ready to go.

Here you go.

Go! Go!

(Giggles)

Oh, you forgot the marshmallows.

No, no, no, no. Don't go.

(Giggles) Hi.

Okay, look, this has to stop.

You're right. No, you're right.

I-I came here to fix my relationship with my mother, so this can't happen.

Thank you.

But this can.

(Gasps) Oh God!

I'm just so happy that you and Danielle are back together!

Me too. You're smushing the marshmallows, darling.

Oh, the actual marshmallows. (Chuckles)

Hey, you found the marshmallows.

(Giggles)

Awesome.

(Mouths)

I just noticed the time. I've got to get down to the studio. I'm on air tonight.

Josh, I trust you'll entertain my daughter while I'm out.

(Forcefully) No!

I mean... Gabi?

Uh, ah , I was thinking, since you have to work, maybe Danielle should come with me and spend the night at my place.

Great idea.

Yes.

No!

I... just don't want to be any trouble.

(Sarcastically) Really?

I mean, yeah, that's no trouble at all.

Yeah, you girls run and have some fun.

Maybe meet some boys. Come on, darling.

You've been stuck in the woods of Vermont.

When was the last time you went and got crazy?

(Danielle laughing)

(Gabi forces laugh)

Okay, let's go.

(Sighs) Okay, let's do this.

Oh my God! How did you make those pajamas?

Did you skin an entire zoo?

I like your pajamas, too.

Did it come with Barbie, or was it sold separately?

(Laughs) Which bed do you sleep in?

That's Fluffykins' bed.

He turns in late, after Law & Order.

What are you doing? I need you in the bed, so I can simulate having a person next to me while I sleep.

I'm not simulating anything!

You know what? Forget this whole thing.

I got you tickets to Usher. We had a deal!

Fine! But I'm building a pillow wall.

(Scoffs) Getting into bed with a man and not touching him.

It's like I'm married all over again.

She was kissing her mother's boyfriend?

Ooh! I saw this on a telenovela once.

Did she just come out of a coma?

Shh!

I don't want her to hear.

Don't worry about it. She's in the shower.

I mean, the whole way over here I was trying to convince her that if she went for Josh, then she would ruin her relationship with her mother forever.

And you know what she said?

(Mimics) "Josh tastes like cotton candy!"

I mean, she's here for two more days.

What am I gonna do?

Oh, no, no, you don't have two more days.

That crazy b*mb is ticking. You need to get rid of her now.

Or... I mean, what if I pull out all the photo albums of me and my mother, I mean and show her what a real relationship looks like?

I feel like that's what my mom's telling me to do.

Really? Listen again.

Because what I'm hearing is...

"Drive that crazy bitch to the airport and put her on a plane to Vermont."

You know what? I think I'm gonna get out the photo albums, so when she gets out of the shower, then she's...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

She's been in there for forever.

She should've run out of hot water 20 minutes ago.

Oh God!

Oh God, oh God, oh God!

(Door opens)

(Gasps)

Maybe my mom really was talking to you, because that crazy bitch climbed out the bathroom window!

(Gasps)

(Door opens, closes)

Just like the telenovela.

(Gasps) No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Gasps) No! No!

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(Gasps) Danielle, stop!

Just because you once had sex with Josh on a Ferris wheel doesn't mean you can sneak into be with him now!

(Gasps)

I can explain.

I asked you not to fly Shauna's daughter out here, but you did.

And no one was supposed to tell Shauna that I had sex with her daughter, but you did.

Maybe it's gonna be okay.

I mean, after she gets over her initial shock, Shauna's gonna be fine.

(Suitcase rolls downstairs)

Josh, these two weeks have been some of the best times I've ever had, and I never imagined it would come to such a humiliating end. Goodbye!

Shauna, wait. (Sighs)

Look... we all have pasts.

The important thing is I wanna be with you.

(Emphatically) No, you had sex with my daughter!

What's that thing all the Americans say?

Oh yeah. Eww!

(Cellphone beeps)

Oh, it's Danielle.

"Mom, maple syrup emergency. Had to fly home.

"So thrilled about you and Josh, and...

"I loved seeing you so happy. Kiss, hug, Danielle."

(Gasps) See? See? She chose you over Josh.

I did the right thing.

I guess, in a funny way, you did.

Goodbye, Gabi.

Goodbye, Josh.

Uh! Hugs are for people who haven't slept with my daughter.

Why?

Why? Why?

(Shouting) Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why, why, why? Why?

Why? You know what? Don't answer that question!

Get out!

(Inhales sharply)

Out!

♪ Alan. ♪

I would say, "rise and shine," but it appears somebody already has.

I'm not Alan, and that's one of my hair rollers!

Ah! Yolanda!

You were supposed to be watching me, not getting your woman stink on me.

I'm sorry! I closed my eyes for one second, next thing I know, I woke up spooning an Asian Danny Devito.

Wait, so you slept the whole night?

You didn't see me do anything?

Oh, relax! We both slept through the night.

What's the weirdest thing that could've happened? (Laughs)

Wait. How did you get my... and how did you manage to put on...

(Both screaming)

(Knocks on door)

(Gasps)

Why are you here? That can't be good.

Gabi, open the door.

Okay, first, let me start by saying I'm really, really sorry about everything, and to make it up to you, I made your favorite dish.

Truffle mac and cheese?

Your second favorite dish.

Sofia called me, and I know it was your mother's birthday this week.

Oh.

And I think that explains your behavior yesterday.

Not every other day.

I guess this time of year's really hard for me.

I want you to know my door's always open if you need to talk.

Not my bedroom door.

I mean, I guess after you said, "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

You know, it really made me think, you know... "Why?"

And I realized I was just trying to live vicariously through Danielle and Shauna.

I thought maybe if I could get them back together, then...

God, I would do anything to have one more moment with my mom. (Crying)

I know...

Which is why I'm giving you the rest of the week off and sending you and Sofia on a little trip.

What? Where are we going?

Let me... give you a little hint.

Julia Child's kitchen in the Smithsonian?

My mom always wanted to take me here.

I know.

Sofia already packed your bags. She's meeting us at the airport.

Wait, wait, wait. I ruined your relationship, and you're sending me on a free trip?

I should not have mentioned that.

At least let me give you the chicken parm that I made you.

Chicken parm? Not even top 10.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

One more thing.

(Chuckles)

Thank you.

Elliot, I have something to tell you.

What?

I've been having a hard time sleeping next to you.

I'm so worried that I might do something in my sleep and you won't think I'm sexy anymore.

What?

I know.

With this moneymaker, that's crazy. But what if?

You've been worried about that?

I've been worried about the same thing!

Oh please. You don't often worry.

I don't? I was so worried, I paid Yolanda to watch me sleep.

That's so sweet!

Did you do anything weird?

No.

This is crazy. Who cares what we do in our sleep?

We can be ourselves. We love each other.

We do?

Well... I do.

I do too.

(Chuckles)

Good, because I have sleep apnea.

(Muffled) Good night, sweetheart.

Night.

Yay.

(Machine hissing)

Oh, who cares?

Yay.