01x06 - The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune

Previously on The Royals...

Oh, daisies.

I always think of you when I see them.

'I was just wondering what my life would be like, had my mother not pushed me into marrying Simon.'

Attempting to kill the Duke of York, why, that's treason.

'The King goes on walks sometimes.

I want you to find out where he goes.'

It's a much better option than prison.

'We all keep our secrets, but inevitably our secrets keep us.'

I'll be watching you, bodyguard.

There is no video.

You son of a bitch!

Your mother hates her, the press will eat her alive, and the public will never accept an American as their queen.

We're going to Monaco for the weekend.

I want you to come with me.

Okay, yeah.

Penelope: Ooh! Oh!

That... is not entirely unpleasant.

Just hurry up before we create an international incident.

Anything else?


For goodness sake, I'm not George Michael!


How does this sound? "Flying to Monaco for the weekend with Liam.

Don't worry, using protection"?

(She laughs)


No matter what I tell my dad, he's gonna lose his mind.

♪ D-I-Y, baby, do it your self ♪

International Customs.

We just need to inspect your cargo.

Ooh. I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

This, gentlemen, as clearly marked, is the Diplomatic Bag.

As codified in Article 27 of the 1961 Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations, this bag has diplomatic immunity from search or seizure.

You can't touch it, you can't look inside it.

And you certainly can't seize it.

But if you could, you might find a loaded firearm, several s*x toys, innumerable drugs including, but not limited to, a pound of marijuana, a brick of cocaine, ecstasy, Adderall, Ambien...

But like I said, you are not allowed to look in it.

Off you go.

You cows could've put your drugs in the Diplomatic Bag rather than up your bums.

We know.

The Royals
The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune


I thought you were still in Fiji.


It's quiet.

The children have gone to Monaco for the weekend.

There was a time when you were actually happy to see me.

There was a time when you would've brought me flowers.

Besides, missing someone is difficult... and far too distracting.

Distracting from what?

Being the Queen of England.

♪ Oh, darling, are you gonna leave me? ♪
♪ I'll watch you if you can ♪
♪ If you can ♪

This place is amazing.


We've been coming here since I was born.

I love it here.

Oh, I get the master.


Damn it!

♪ Stretches to the distant horizon ♪

I know when we met, I seemed all casual about hooking up.

You have your own room next to mine.

I didn't want to be presumptuous.

Not being presumptuous is sexy.

Get on the bed. On your back.

What you doing?

What you do... What?

Hello, Jasper.

Thank you for admitting you never actually had a s*x tape of me.

Now you do.

♪ Oh, darling, are you gonna leave me? ♪
♪ I'll watch you if you can ♪


You're welcome.

Hey. Hi, Lenny.

♪ I can tell now you're thinking of leaving ♪

(Knock at door)

It's open.


What is he doing here?


Who? You know who! Beck!

I thought it would make you happy.

You thought it would make me happy, did you?

Very nice.


Beck. It's so good to... seeing you.

It's good to seeing you, too.

Good to seeing you too, Beck.

It's gonna be a great weekend.

See you later.


You're like a 12-year-old girl around him.

I hate you times infinity!

(Text alert)

'Hello, Jasper.

Thank you for admitting that you never actually had a s*x tape of me.

Now you do.'

Looking for something?

Your Majesty.

I understand you've requested a transfer.

Any particular reason?

No, Ma'am.


Because you've been transferred to me.

You're mine now, Jasper from Shoreditch.

It would be my pleasure, Your Majesty.


I think the pleasure will be mine.

She's here.

My baby's here!

Ashok has a girlfriend?

I doubt it.

You hanging by the pool?



Hey, you.

We have the sickest villa right beside the casino.

Speaking of, we're going there later.


Now, let's get drunk and christen that pool like old times.


We always go topless here.

But you have great tits, so you're good.

Pool, bitches.

How badass is this?

My dad said I could have it if I made honors.

It's great, Ashok.

Well done.

I'm so happy right now.

I'm gonna drive it.

By the way, Gemma and her girls are at the pool.

I can drive it later, that's fine.

You happy to be in Monaco, Marcus?

Always happy, sir.


You're fired for the weekend.

The team can handle it.

I'll rehire you when we get back to London.


I know I don't always make it easy for you, Marcus.

But you deal with it, and me, with skill and grace and I appreciate it.

So enjoy the weekend.

Hang out, relax and don't call me "sir".

Of course, Your Highness.


Erm... maybe just go with "sir".

Your Majesty?


Thought you might enjoy a little treat after your long trip.

Hobnobs. Delicious. Will you join me?

That's very kind of you, but...

You have your work, I understand.

But then again, disobeying a direct request from the King Of England could be interpreted as treason.

Forgive me, I'm joking, of course.

No, it's just...

One hobnob.

Why are people always doing this to me?

You scared the hell out of me!

You're not wearing that.

Second, did you see Beck out there?

No? Turn round.


Put this on.

Whoa, nice rack!

Just give me the dress. Who is Beck?

Beck was Robert's best friend.

We basically grew up together.

I may have lost my virginity to him.

Alright, I did. I really did.

It was a disaster, but then it got better.

So you slept with him again?

I slept with him a lot. We never dated.

But every time he comes around, I fall to pieces and I start acting like... well, you, actually.

What is that supposed to mean?

Like a dork, a total dork.

I laugh and I say really awkward things.

I can do it, I got it. I can do it!

The thing is, he just... makes me feel I'm not myself.

I become all girly and it really freaks me out!

Here we go. Mm!

(Coughs) You did not just do that.


Mm, thank God for the Diplomatic Bag.

I need drugs.

Mm, let's see you.

Gemma's gonna hate you. Liam's gonna love you. Win win.

Let's go.


You've always been nice to me.

I don't know why, but it means a lot.

Of course I've been nice to you. Why wouldn't I? Bitch, let's go.

Come on.

Your Royal Highness, Princess Eleanor.

It's a pleasure to see you again.

How's your luck?

Not too good.

For some reason, I couldn't locate the Diplomatic Bag.

Do you know anything about that?



Not a thing.

Let's see if we can change your luck.

It's easier if you have a system.

What's your system?

Well, I bet black because it's your favorite color.

Odd, because, well, you are.

17 because that's the age you were when I first saw you.

23 because it's your favorite number. And 35.

What's 35?

35 is the number of times you've taken my breath away in that outfit.

(Roulette ball spins)


Imagine that.

Vous avez gagné, monsieur.


And now it's 36.

♪ I can't help myself but stare ♪
♪ Double check for double meanings ♪

What's it gonna be, baby?

Don't call me baby.

I'll see your bet, and raise you...



I'll also raise...


Ashok, are you trying to look at my cards or my tits?


Your move, little girl.

Wait. No, no, no!

I haven't even driven it on the Autobahn.

And when I beat this cocky prick, you will not only drive it on the Autobahn, you will drive it on the Autobahn with me, topless, getting a handy.

Can I upgrade to a blowy?

Don't push it, Ashok.

This is a brand new McLaren Coupe with...


11 miles on it.


No, it's okay.

Full house.

Pair of sixes.

I'm going dancing.

Hey, hey.

So what color is my new ride, anyway?

Maybe talk to him, convince him to give your car back.

Or maybe I find the guy and I hold him at gunpoint... or bow-and-arrow point and I make him give it back.

No one is holding anyone at bow-and-arrow point.

Yeah, I know.

Poor guy.

He'll be okay.

He gets like this.

What kind of guy gets good at darts to impress girls?

Worked with you.


Robert was a great darts player.

I practiced all the time so someday I could beat him.

I never did.

Well done, reconnecting with the King so soon upon his return.

Very clever.

I didn't do it for you.

That doesn't matter, does it?

When he goes out tonight, you follow him.

Otherwise, they're gonna love that pretty mouth of yours in prison.

All right, Beck?

Yeah, man.

See you later.

Hey, where did you disappear to?

I came back here to find the Diplomatic Bag, but all I could find was a ceremonial bow and arrow.

That's odd.

Mm. Yeah.

Where are my drugs, Beck?

In the bag, I suppose.

Liam asked me to fly in because of Robert.

'Cause he knows what this place meant to you.

He didn't have to do that, I'm not doing that bad.

You're a sh1t show and we both know it.

Yeah, you have your drugs and your guys and your darkness.

But you still can't diminish that light.

I don't have a light.


Oh, you have a light, princess... so brilliant it's hard to look at you sometimes.

So you only came here because Liam asked you to?

No, Len.

I came because I wanted to see you.

Because I always want to see you.

I'd see you every day if I could.

That's not fair.

Excuse me.


Remember the first time we got drunk together, right here?

What were we... 13?


You didn't have to invite him.

It's our first time here without Robert.

Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me.

I don't have to but I do.

And I always will, so deal with it.


You remember the last time I was drug-free all day?


No, I'm asking you 'cause I don't remember.

I'm going to bed.


It certainly is a night of firsts.

♪ It feels like the ocean is tired ♪
♪ Letting me down... ♪

(Text alert)

♪ We left our heads back at home ♪
♪ We left our heads back at home ♪
♪ We left our heads back at home ♪
♪ We left our heads back at home ♪
♪ Don't forget your love's back at home ♪
♪ We left our heads back at... ♪


Perfect line.

How'd you sleep?

Really great, actually.


I made you breakfast.

Is that bacon?


I love bacon.

I took the bag.

I knew you took my bag.

It's all still here.

You slept great.

And you look amazing.


And the bacon never tasted better.

Eat. And come hang out by the pool.



Thank you.

Imagine, for a few drinks, no?


You're kidding me, right?

You gamble away my McLaren and now you're frolicking by the pool.

Relax, Ashok.

We have a plan to get your precious car back.

You do?

What plan?

What is this, huh?

An episode of Glee?

We'd like the car back.

You have something we want, maybe I have something you want.

Like what?


Virgin s*x.

You expect me to believe you're a virgin?

Not me, creepo.


No deal.

I think you may like to reconsider.

I'm quite skilled in the blowy and handy department.

Not to mention the five ounces of Bolivian cocaine I'm currently ferrying in my rectum.

Do you still have that up there?

I'm afraid I can't help you.

I won this car fair and square.

In a game of chance.

Poker is a game of skill.

Not according to the casino.

How about you let us try to win the car back in a game of skill?

I'm a man who appreciates a challenge.

And also a good anecdote about defeating the Crown Prince of England.

What's your game, Your Highness, hm?

(Exhales) The game is 501.

First player to score 501 without going over, wins.

Outer rings count as double, inner ring counts as triple.

Three darts per turn.

Did I mention I love my car?

I'm a man of my word.

If I lose... you can have your car.

But I won't lose.

Great arrows, Omar!

Triple 20, triple 20 and 20.

We're screwed.

Ted: How was your first day with Her Majesty?

Without incident.

I'd commend you on your unprecedented rise to the Queen's detail, however, I feel a warning might be more prudent than a compliment.

A warning, sir?

The Queen asked for you personally.

She also has MI5 and MI6 vetting your security clearance.

Eventually, she'll discover you're not the person you claim to be.

You think I didn't know?

I'm the King's head of security, we know a few things.

I'll speak to Princess Eleanor about the conditions of your transfer.

If she refutes your claims, you'll be tried for treason.

Until then, you're being watched closely, Mr. Frost.


Mr. Pryce, sir...

If you knew about my past...

Why did I hire you?

Because as far as I can tell, you're not your parents.

Besides, everybody deserves a chance to rewrite their history.

Word of advice.

The Queen tends to be threatened by her daughter's youth and attractiveness.

In case it comes up.

343 for Liam, 469 for Omar.

Omar needs 32 points to win.

Double 16.

Oh, so close!

You must be living right, Your Highness.

But, you know what?

I only need 16 points.

You need 158.

Good luck.

Good luck.

You know, it's a funny thing, pressure.

Once you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, the rest of it is easy.

That's 120.

You need 38 points. Double 19.

Ashok... do you like your car?

I love my car.


Because it's yours.

(Cheering and whooping)

Yeah. Good game.

But that thing that I said about my word?

I lied. I'm keeping the car!


It's mine now, okay?

Give him the keys.

Whoa! Calm down!

I was raised in America where guns are bad but a bow and arrow is honorable.

Don't think I won't use this.

I'm not thinking, I'm dead.

It's slipping. It's slipping!

Okay, alright! Take the car! Take the car! Crazy bitch!

Come on!


Oh, Ashok!

(Ashok wails)

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna bleed out and die!

I'm gonna...

You're not gonna die, Ashok.

I have a rubber taste in my mouth!

You should go and check on Ophelia.

You got this. You got this.

Hang in there, buddy.

(Muffled cries)

Ashok, calm down. Listen to me.

You're gonna be fine. I just need to remove the arrow.

No, no, bad idea. You have to take me to the hospital.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because you're best friends with the Crown Prince of England, there's a protocol.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I'm not like you, Marcus. I'm cowardly and fragile.

I play video games and read graphic novels.

I'm sarcastic and ironic. Please.

When those girls out there see you manning up and taking one for the team, you'll play the sympathy card for all it's worth.

One... two...




Does it hurt?

I can handle it.

I miss the effortless way he navigated all the madness.

You know?

Like he was always one step ahead of everyone.

He was everyone's hero.

Including mine.

And his eyes would light up when he'd talk about you.

He'd say, "Lenny is gonna be iconic.

She'll be the one that rewrites history."

I miss him.

Remember that night he jumped off the roof into the pool?

(Both laugh)

You ready?

No. Hold on.

Good idea.

It's unfortunate the way you've let yourself go, Beck.

Just shut up and jump.

(Beck laughs)

What? What?


You, happy. It's nice.

♪ I jumped in the water thinking you'd be safe ♪
♪ I can't stand to watch you fall ♪
♪ We don't plan for disaster we don't plan for earthquakes ♪
♪ I wonder if you think at all ♪
♪ I left my heart to decide ♪
♪ And lately I've been jumping too ♪
♪ You know I'm more than a lover ♪
♪ More than a lover to you ♪


Forgive me, Your Majesty. I...

It's okay.

Join me.

Sometimes I sit and watch people at the bus stops.

I ride the tube and notice how nobody speaks.

They block each other out with their music and phones and the headlines of the day.

And I wonder... what happened to us?

When did the charlatans and the con men and the wicked among us, drive us all away from each other?

I think most people are good.

Some of them are simply trapped by their circumstances.

You're a good person, Prudence.

And whatever your struggle, whatever circumstance confines you...

I can help you.

And I'd like to try.

You can't.

I'm sorry.


You're a good man and a great King.

And that matters immensely... to all of us.

Tell me about your parents, Jasper.

Perhaps Your Majesty should tell me.

You're an orphan from Shoreditch, hence the elocution lessons.

Unless MI6 says otherwise.

I must say, your American accent barely peeks through.

Las Vegas grifters, weren't they?

Swindlers who moved about like gypsies, coveting affluence and teaching their son well.

My parents only dreamed of life at the top.

But I touched it and used it.

And Samantha Cook?

Did you touch and use her, too?

I've done some poking around into your poking around, bodyguard.

You didn't leave Las Vegas.

You were banished by Sy Cook, the King of the Strip.

Apparently, someone got a little too close to the King's daughter.

You have a type, Jasper from Shoreditch.

You're right, I do have a type.

Sy Cook wanted me gone.

And his daughter was one hell of a girl.

There's just one thing Your Majesty misconstrued.

It wasn't his daughter I wanted.

It was his wife.

You've caught me on a good day, bodyguard.

I'm melancholy, I'm stressed, and I'm severely horny.

Think you have what it takes to earn my silence?

Don't let us get ahead of ourselves.

Are you familiar with the expression "At Her Majesty's Pleasure"?

Ashok: 'Oh, God, I'm probably gonna die!

I'm gonna bleed out and die!'

Is this the VIP for the girls who can't have the boys they want?

It's not the VIP for whiny heiresses.

I'm not whining.

I'll fly some guy out, be the life of the party, fake a few orgasms and do it all again tomorrow.

It's what we do.

It's what you do.

Fine, it's what we do.

I told her I could be her but she couldn't be me.

But I can't be her. I haven't been her in years.

It's too late for that.

I get that.

But nobody's gonna cry for a diamond heiress and a princess.

Nor should they.

But do you remember the last time you weren't the girl the boy just wanted to sleep with?

Tonight, actually.

♪ Make it real ♪

I miss him more when you're around.

But I think that's good.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm proud of you.


You went another day without the bag.

I'm so tired.

You know what most people do when they're tired?

They sleep.

It's nice being like this.

I almost forgot what it was like.

♪ Live a day in the morning ♪
♪ Live a life by the afternoon ♪
♪ So sing a spell to a... ♪


You shot a man with a ceremonial bow and arrow!

(She laughs)

I didn't mean to.

(Laughter echoes)

♪ Make it real ♪
♪ Let's take the right from the wrong, darling ♪
♪ Tell me how you feel ♪

Apparently what lays in Vegas, does not, in fact, stay in Vegas.

You've served your Queen well, bodyguard.

(Sighs contentedly)

(Door closes)


Just watching my girl.

It was perfect this weekend.


Why almost?

You got all American and wouldn't get topless at the pool.

Oh, really? You don't think I'll go topless?

I don't think you will.


Here you go, Monaco. Enjoy the view.

I can't do it.

All part of my plan.

I'm glad you couldn't.

I'm pretty selfish about the view.

I'm always gonna remember this weekend.

Being here with you.

The beginning of us.

Perfect line.

I won't do it. The King deserves better.

Interesting choice.

I'll make sure the authorities have your home address.

And I'll make sure they have yours.

You need the Monarchy to be looked upon in a favorable light.

So I don't think you'll tell anyone about anything.

Besides, there isn't anything you can do to me that you haven't already done.

You ready to go?

I've extended for a week. I'm gonna stay.

You sure?

I just want to be by myself for a while, you know?

♪ So whether music or madness ♪

Going somewhere?

To see the Prime Minister.

Regarding what?

Nothing you need to know.

We all have our secrets, don't we?

♪ Not a moment too soon ♪
♪ Not a moment too soon ♪

You could, you know.

You said you'd see me every day if you could.

You can.

You know I can't.

Where was she this weekend?

On tour with the guitar player?


She doesn't love you like I do.

She's my wife.

She wants to give it another try.

I at least owe her that.

♪ It keeps you clean but unclear ♪
♪ Clean but unclear ♪

She doesn't love you like I do.

♪ And that's nothing to fear ♪
♪ No, it's nothing, my dear ♪
♪ But how do I know what you're thinking? ♪

I think Gemma might have had the right idea.

We'll face it all together.

Your dad, my mom... the press... all of it.

You should show them this side of you... the press, the world.

They'd love this version of you.

They don't want this version of me.

Try it.

When you step off the plane, show them the quiet, kind, enchanting girl I know.

I'm not wrong.

Maybe I will.

I gotta go.

♪ We've been here before ♪
♪ Yes, we've been here before ♪
♪ But now there's always plenty ♪
♪ Yet still we ask for more ♪
♪ Singing fever to the form ♪

(Photographers clamor)

Hi, boys. Did you miss me?

Good thing you've already seen me throw up.

Come on. We've done this before.

Not like this.


I want you to know, no matter what, I will always be there for you.

There she is. That's my girl.


Say it again.

You're my girl.

And I want the world to know it.

Now let's go show you off.

(Photographers clamor)