02x02 - Welcome Is Fashion and Ceremony

'Previously on The Royals...'

The King was stabbed twice with a large knife.

Still wearing black, I see.

Have you considered the fact I may actually be mourning?

As if. It's been two months.

Took me about two weeks.

She doesn't love you like I do.

Beck, what are you doing here?

I left her.

For good.

From my personal collection.

Perhaps you can wear them to the opening of Parliament.

You realize that you're stalking me?

What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?


'She needs to be controlled. They both do.'

Reinstate their titles.

Make it look like they work for us.

Not against us.

Godspeed, my King.

And know that I'll avenge you.

This was hanging around my neck the night before the King was killed.

We figure this out, we figure out who's been killing my family and then we make them pay.

You weren't with Cyrus that night.

Course I was.

OK, he wasn't with me. I wasn't with him.

Apologize. Kiss the ring and it's over.

What was that?

If we want answers, we need access.

You want to know who killed Robert, who killed Dad?

You know I do.

We need to be in the palace and now we are.

They're up to something.

They don't get rid of us, Liam.

We get rid of them.

♪ One pack of cigarettes ♪
♪ Maybe an old tape cassette ♪
♪ That's all I get... ♪

Las Vegas. You're from Las Vegas. That's your story?

That's right.

You have an English accent.

(US accent) This is my real accent.

That's not even a good accent.

You can do better?

(US accent) Yes, I can.

OK. Here we go.

My name is Frank J Gallagher and I'm... well, I'm an American, that's what I am.

You sound ridiculous.

You sound ridiculous.

How about them Dodgers?




Frank J Gallagher.

Yes, sir, I got me some blue jeans, and a pick-it-up truck.

Where abouts in America are you from exactly?



You're not.

I am. I'm from Chicago.

How about them Dodgerrrrs?

(British accent) I'm sorry I brought it up.

(British accent) You should be. You... American.

(Cheering and applause)

What are we doing here anyway?

Waiting for this.

We're on a stakeout? Sweet.

Just watch the Rolls, Frank.

Frank J.Gallagher.

From Chicago.

What do you see?

Cyrus bringing the taxpayer's money. So what?

But it's not Cyrus.

It's his double.

Where is he?

I've been tracking him the last few weeks.

Last door on the right.

He usually stays one, two hours.

What's in there?

I don't know.

I'll let you do the honors.

Oh, hell yeah.

You want my gun?

I don't know. Do I need your gun?

How do I know?

I've concerns about your...

We've established that.

I'll wait outside.

With the gun.

Nice work, Hardly Boy.

You know what I love about this place?

The view.

You like?


I do. Stunning.

Thank you, baby. we should get changed cos we do have a party to go to.

But take your time because I also like the view.


I missed you.

They always do.

And yet, in the midst of all that missing, you chose to sleep on my couch.

A couch much too small for all that sexy goodness, I might add.

I was trying to be honorable.

Oh, yeah?


I appreciate that, but you know in this day and age, a boy can actually be honorable by simply giving a girl a few orgasms before taking one for himself.

I've always thought the old version of honor was overrated.

I completely agree.

I ordered you some things.

I have my own clothes, Lenny.

You didn't need to do that.

But we don't need here, you know that...

..only want.

And I wanted to.

Shirts first, please. Slowly please.

I told her I couldn't do it anymore. Because I couldn't.

It's a start.

I think she was surprised by it all.

Maybe because she was always the one leaving, and I always let her come back.

We can do better.

She should have known, though. Ever since Monaco, and seeing you at the funeral, it's been you.

It's always been you.


The shirt, I mean, of course.

But your story was cute, too.

By the way, the first one was fine, I was just enjoying the show.

Do you need anything before your visit to Parliament today, Your Majesty?

Another pair of knickers.

Simon's monument is nearly finished.

It's very nice.

It represents him well.

And it represents the Queen well. The people approve.

That's not why I commissioned it.

Simon was a good man.

He cared immensely about the kingdom.

Time should acknowledge that.

Of course, Your Majesty.

Rachel? Is Cyrus back yet?

I believe His Majesty is still meeting with the Prime Minister.

Yes. Or so he'd like you to think.

There was a time when people had the civility to mind their own business.

When people had the civility not to have s*x with a married man and lie about it.

So Holloway rolled over, eh? He's good at that.

Well, now you know.

What do I know?

You're laying in some tube like Michael Jackson.

Work it out, Bubbles.

I have cancer... of the balls.

Testicular cancer?

No, lung cancer in my balls. Yes, testicular cancer.

And I was getting treatment the night my brother was stabbed.

That's why I looked like sh1t in the safe room.

How bad is it?

Who the hell knows?

But you listen to me, no-one is to know about this.

Do you understand me?

I need to tell Eleanor.


I won't lie to her.

Fine, tell your evil twin, but it goes no further.

Why not? People might actually cut you a break if they knew.

That's exactly what I don't want.

God forbid they look at me like that.

With sympathy or pity. People are such dicks.

Let me get this straight.

You'd rather be considered prime suspect in your brother's murder, than have people sympathize with your illness?

Let me see. Reputed murderer or pitiful victim.

I'll take murderer.

I'll take all you've got.

Not a word.

So Cyrus has cancer?

And an alibi apparently for the night my father was attacked.

I've been thinking about that.

The night the King was attacked.

What if no one saw anything because there was nothing to see?

I don't follow.

Based on how much blood the King lost, we know approximately where he was attacked, the thought being that he couldn't have gotten very far.

What if he stayed on his feet much longer than anyone thinks?

And everyone's been looking in the wrong place.

It couldn't hurt to expand the area.

I can get security footage, surveillance cameras. Even if it seems impossible.

Thank you.

It's good having you here.

Yeah, well, try telling that to Eleanor.

I went to see her to tell her I was back and apologize.


She just looked at me like she wanted to kill me.

Yeah, I've seen that look.

I mean, I get it. I screwed up.

You slept with our mother.

I didn't exactly sleep with her.

Dear God, stop talking.

OK, fine.

But I just want the chance to be able and make things right.

Good luck with that.

We're meeting up today on my friend Holden's yacht.

He was just in Japan opening a club, but he's back now.

Maybe you can talk with her there.

(Cellphone pings)

Change of plans.

She's bringing someone.




Who are you?

Agent Hill, Your Highness. James Hill.

I've been assigned to lead your security detail until further notice.

Have you? We'll see about that.

Well, come in... Mr. Hill, let's have a look at you.

You're a bit of a silvery fox, Mr. Hill.

What's your story?

27 years with Scotland Yard, ma'am.

And then?

Four hours with you, Your Highness.

A little old for a change of venue, aren't we, Mr. Fox?

I'm incredibly old, ma'am.

One foot in the grave, Your Highness.

OK, well, here's the rundown.

Firstly, do not call me ma'am.


As you wish.

Also, what happens with me and my world stays with me and my world.

Are you comfortable with that?

If Your Highness is referring to the three or four ounces of cocaine on her vanity, the marijuana on her coffee table, or the excessive abundance of MDMA, my job is to protect you and secure your ability to pass safely to and from the palace, not to judge you, Your Highness.



Careful... Mr. Hill.

..there's a wealth of drugs in London these days.

It's become fairly common.

Your Highness strikes me as anything but common.


Let's begin with an easy one, then, shall we?

Have you seen Beck?

Lord Twysden Beckwith II is currently in the staff kitchen preparing bacon.

Nobody calls him that.

With all due respect, if I was called Twysden, I'd probably go with Beck as well.

There's a slight chance that you might amuse me, Mr. Hill.

So I'm going to give you a chance.

Eventually you'll let me down bBut it a shot. Does.


Off you go.

Mr. Hill one other thing.

What's your take on Cyrus?

My take, Your Highness?

The King.

What do you think about him?

I have a great deal of respect for His Majesty the King. Officially.

And unofficially?


I miss your father.

You can call me Len.

How about I earn that privilege?

You can't be serious.

I'm wearing it to the opening of Parliament today.

The Koh-I-Noor?

And what about the curse?

Oh, yes.

The curse.

"He who owns the diamond will own the world, but will also know its misfortunes.

Only God or a woman can wear it with impunity."

Clearly invented by a woman.

Or God.


Besides, of all the things I'm afraid of, if any, some ancient curse by a bunch of sun-worshipping dum-dums doesn't chart.

Well, to be safe, maybe I should wear it today.

(Snorts) Nice try.

But the Grand Duchess is right.

Diamonds don't suit you.

I didn't come here to squabble.

We need to pick a parliamentary hostage.

Are we still doing that?

It's tradition.

We take a member of Parliament hostage until the King has made his speech and is returned safely to the palace.

It's your coming-out party.

As if you needed one.

It's ceremonial. I hate ceremony.

But now that you mention it, I know just the hostage worth taking.

Mr. Holloway. We've come for you.


Damn. I was hoping it would be me.

Last year they had quite a spread for the hostage.

I heard they had Portuguese tarts.

Ooh, Portuguese tarts!

Gentlemen, I am your willing hostage.


A little rough.

Relax, Holloway. It's ceremonial.


I love those tarts...

I love the pies.

Well, gentlemen, there's none for you.

It's all for me.

Ha ha ha!

His Majesty will arrive shortly.


Tell His Majesty not to be late.

After all, some of us have a country to run.


Ah! Cor!




Ooh, I do love a Portuguese tart.

Well, come on, then. Take the cuffs off.

Hello, James.

Your Majesty. Thank you for selecting me as this year's hostage.

You're welcome.

But then, this isn't the first time you've been in handcuffs in my bedroom, is it?



They've prepared all the pastries.

And fruits.

All the rage, I'm told.


I do love a custard tart. Mm.

Do you know what I don't love so much?

A squawking tart. Gentlemen?


Cyrus... Look, I can explain.

You will address me as His Majesty the King, or I will have you court-martialed.

Do you understand me?

Yes, Your Majesty.


Liam came to see me today.

Apparently, a little bird told him some things.

Do you know where little birds belong, Mr. Holloway?

In a cage.


Come on, you must be joking, Cyrus.


In you get.


Get in there. Squawker.


Your Majesty.

Look, I can explain! I can explain.

I've lined your cage with newspapers, in case you need to take a sh1t.

Please aim for the Daily Mail.

You can't leave me like this!


Your Majesty! This was supposed to be ceremonial!



Henstridge, you handsome b*st*rd.

You're back.

I'm back. Get up here.

I'm here, too.

Someone get me a bow and arrow.

Look who I found.

Beck. Good to see you.

Lenny, you got a sec?

Yeah. I have heaps of secs.

But first I need a drink. Several.

We'll talk in a bit, yeah?



You have far too many clothes on.

Get up here!

James Hill.

Jasper Frost.

I know.

Interesting service record.

Interesting invasion of privacy.

You plan on doing your job?

No one wants the old guy there.

Someone needs to be protecting the Princess.

She's on a boat.

Who's going to attack her? The fish?

What about the people?

I vetted everyone in attendance. She's fine.

Someone needs to keep an eye on her?

That's what you're here for, kid.

If I look after the Princess, you won't have an excuse to talk to her, will you?

Have you seen the face on that Beckwith character?

Kid almost turned me.

Good luck.

We'll have another committee room.

There. That can be done.

Prime Minister?

You're easy to spot.

I can see your panty line.

I'm joking, Prime Minister.

But... are you wearing them?

No. Of course not.

Opening of Parliament.

So it begins.

Indeed. And your first order of business will be to pass our bill.


But even if we change the order of succession, what of the King's daughters?

Without a declaration of incapacity, they're still in line.

That's being taken care of.

I think we should spend more time apart.

And I think that that is OK because we're not the people that we used to be anymore.

I'm the next Queen of England, and you're about to be a whole new person, thanks to hours of ill-advised plastic surgery.

Maybe... Maybe we should...

I don't know, like, get boyfriends.

(Breathy) Maybe I already have a boyfriend.

Bloody hell, what's with the voice?

I decided my new look should have a new voice. This is it.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure the Elephant Man didn't sound like that.

Like, you definitely need to slur more.

(Slurring) Maybe I already have a boyfriend.

Have you considered that I might actually look better?

Yeah. Sure thing, Donatella.

(Huffs) Well, I think my new man is going to like me, no matter what.

(Cellphone camera clicks)

(Cellphone pings)

The Chief of Defense Staff to see you, Your Majesty.


Your Majesty, may I present you with...

The Great Sword of State.

Very nice.

Should go nicely with the Koh-I-Noor.

You're wearing the Koh-I-Noor? But the curse!

You should concern yourself with our diminishing forces and rising anti-war sentiment.

There used to be a time when we actually used one of these.

Yes. Shame those days are gone.

(Door opens)

Planning a coup?

Come in, Prime Minister.

I'll allow it.

You'll allow it?

With all due respect, Your Majesty, some of us here have a purpose, whilst others are simply ceremonial figureheads.

Ceremonial figureheads who happen to control your destiny.

The Death Warrant of King Charles I.

For over 300 years it's been here, a silent reminder of what happens to those monarchs who oppress England.

When you next see James Holloway, you might ask him how that's going?

Don't get your knickers in a twist, Prime Minister.

What the hell did he mean by that?

It's merely an expression.

(Convivial chatter)

Are you sure?

That's what he said. Cancer.

In his balls?

That's awesome.

I'm sorry, I mean, it's not, but...

It's Cyrus.

It's Cyrus.

It does explain where he might have gone that night.

And why he was so ill in the safe room.

Yeah. I've been going over it, you know?

Liam... all your friends are here.

Look, Holden's home, and Beck.

Will you try and have some fun today, OK?

Yeah. OK.


How's he doing?

He's a mess. We all are.

Will this help?

Probably not, Holden, but let's find out.

We haven't met. I'm Beck. Friend of the family's.

How long have you been with Liam?

Not long.

I was with the Princess before that.

I wouldn't take that personally.

Eleanor's security detail is considered a temporary position.

No one lasts more than a month.

I was with her for six.

Right up until Monaco.

Didn't you see me? I was Beck-oning you.

You know you should approach when summoned, Beckwith.

I am a princess, you know.

Are you rolling?

A little. More like bouncing, actually.

What am I getting myself into, Princess?

Er... me, if you're lucky.

You know who I am, Beck.


I also know who you can be.

I'm going dancing.

You'd be wise to join me.

♪ Work hard or it will be the end of you ♪
♪ You say you won't although you want to ♪
♪ Work hard or it will be the end of you ♪
♪ Don't stop, don't you ever stop ♪
♪ Don't, don't stop ♪
♪ Pushing and pulling ♪
♪ Don't stop, don't you ever stop ♪
♪ Don't stop, pushing and pulling... ♪

Nice suit.

You, too.

You didn't even look.

White top, white sarong, gold platform heels and a shark tattoo on your right foot.

It's a dolphin.

I stand corrected.


Do you carry a gun?

Because maybe we could go below deck.

You could hold me at gunpoint and force me to do whatever you wanted.

What would your husband say about that?


You should have taken your wedding band off before you got a spray tan for the party.


I guess you have all the answers, don't you, James Bond?

Not all of them.

What's the deal with this Beck character?

I know it's not what you want to hear, but Beck's a good guy.

We've known him a long time. He's always been there for Len.


(Big Ben strikes the hour)

Rachel: 'How's life with Cyrus treating you?'

King Cyrus, and very well.

You used to be Team Helena. Why the switch?

What does he have on you?

My loyalties lie with the monarchy.

King Simon didn't need me. King Cyrus does.

Where does he go, our King, when he's away from the palace?

His Majesty has a very busy schedule. Many meetings.

He's also not too pleased about your recent alliance with the Prime Minister.

I bet.

Her Majesty should be more transparent with her agenda.

Oh, come on, sweet Lu, you know how this works.

Helena has her agenda and your man has his.

And maybe ours is misguided.

But if it's not, and Helena becomes the monarch, where will you be?

You do realize that something would have to befall King Cyrus for Her majesty's succession plan to work.

I do.

But then you never know, I suppose it depends on how those meetings go.

I'd better go. The Queen has a meeting with the PM and we have a succession bill to pass.

(Door closes)

Mr. Prime Minister?



Yes, Your Majesty?

Is he...?

Yes. Dead.

I see.

Did you kill him?

I'll notify the authorities.


Not yet. Wait.

He's wearing my knickers.

Just when things were going well, the pie-eating fat b*st*rd dies and ruins everything.

I mean, is it too much to ask that...

That the man stays undead until one little bill passes?



For God's sake!



Let's get out of here.

Wait. We need to make him look normal.

Close to normal. Trust me.

All that hard work and now we're back to square one.

Just wait till Moorefield hears this.

He's been whoring himself out to a couple of halfwits.

Button the pig's sash and let's go.

Forgive me, Rachel.

This must be the strangest thing you've ever done.

Oh, not even this week, Your Majesty.

You think you're going to get away with this?

Yes, I do.

Well, the Prime Minister is going to hear all about it.

The Prime Minister is dead.

I assume this is news to you?

Of course it is. The Prime Minister is dead.

Long live the Prime Minister.

You know, you play your cards right, Holloway, you might be the next PM.

Oh, wait, I'd have to approve you.

Too bad you couldn't keep that blowhole of yours shut.

Emphasis on "blow". Holl-away.


Well, what?

You do understand we don't kill people around here?

I had nothing to do with it.

Although it's understandable his death would upset you, considering your plans to change the order of succession are now derailed.

Queen to square one.

We'll see about that.

Meet the new PM, same as the old PM.

Good luck.

By the way, I'm keeping the Great Sword of State.

I can do that now.

Rachel, get me a meeting with the Deputy Prime minister.

Yes, Your Majesty.

I see you took none of my advice.

Do you know why we do this?

Do what?

Chill on a boat and dance, and laugh with our friends and waste the day.

Because these are the days that we can feel normal.

We can't be normal, we never will be, but some days we can just disappear for a while, you know?

Fade into the music and the high and pretend we're not the people we always will be.

I promised Dad I'd avenge him.

I know you did.

But this anger, Liam, this quest for vengeance...

I don't think Dad would want that for you.

And would he want me hanging out on a boat getting high?

He'd want you to be happy.

I know you miss him.

I do, too. Every day.

And I'm not asking you to stop.

You've been so strong, Liam. I'm so proud of you.

But there's a possibility we'll never know who did it.

Don't say that.

Well, you know, we have to accept it.

Just because we're royal doesn't mean that we get to know.

I want you to do something for me.

You've been retracing Dad's steps ever since the day he died.

Retrace yours.

Find that thing that made you happy and just disappear for a minute.

Be someone else.

All of this is still going to be here when you come back.

I couldn't do this without you.

Of course you could.

But you don't have to.

♪ With my head and my heart at war ♪
♪ Heaven knows what I'm looking for... ♪

Liam? We're gonna shoot Ashok in the leg with a flare gun.

Do you want to watch?

That's not true.

I don't think.

Was that an actual smile?

I haven't been much of a friend today.

That's not fair to you guys.

It really is good to see you.

Well, look, you be what you want to be.

That's how it works. And we let you.

It's been that way since prep school, and it always will be.

I know. And I appreciate it.

Next time we'll shoot Ashok.


No, not done.

Not done at all.

Let's give it a test run.

Come on, take a step back. It'll be quick.

I need to do some things alone, and I need you trust me.


Thanks. I'll be in touch.


Everyone lets her down.

Be the one who changes that.

♪ I said I... ♪
♪ Just wanna be loved by you ♪

Newsreader: 'Breaking news out of London.

We now have confirmation that Prime Minister David Edwards has died.

His body was found this evening at his office in Parliament.

Police rushed to the scene after receiving a 999 call.

The area has been contained and is being treated as a crime scene, pending an investigation.

The cause of death is as yet unknown with an inquest to follow.

This untimely death comes as another tragic blow to Britain's public following the death of Prince Robert and the murder of King Simon, whose killer remains at large.

As of now, plans for the King's memorial dedication remain intact.

More on this story as details develop.'

It won't change anything.

It might fool a few people, but it won't fool your children.

This monument is about memorializing your father's relationship with his kingdom, it's not about repairing ours.

I really hope that's true.

Mr. Hill, my new shadow.

I appreciate your giving me some space today.

And you never actually answered my question.

What happened after so many years that meant you had to change careers?

I'll tell you what.

You guess it, and I'll tell you all about it.

There's a slight chance that you might amuse me, Mr. Hill.

Good night, Princess.

Interesting work.

Is there an artist's tale behind it?

The artist got angry at her parents, kind of lost her mind...

..lashed out like she does...

..and couldn't take it back.

Why not?

Because her father died.

Her supposed father.

Don't drink that.


The last time you and I were alone together, you asked me to be sober and I did it.

For you.

And now you're going to do some things for me.

And to me.


I like it when you say my name.


Say it again.


Pull my hair.

Shhh. Wait.

My turn.

I just want to look at you.

Wait. You're always going so fast.

You need to slow down, Princess.

You need to slow me down.

Oh, I plan to.

I met this girl in Monaco.

I took her hand and then we jumped into the pool, and when we surfaced, we kissed.

And that day, it was enough.

Tonight... it's not enough.

I was hoping you'd say that.

There hasn't been a day since then that I haven't wanted this.

The bad news is... that I plan to take my time.

The good news is, we have all night.

And I plan to use it.

♪ I rode a thousand days ♪
♪ On a red torpedo star ♪
♪ To hear a million calls for freedom ♪
♪ On a broke-down boulevard... ♪

We'll avenge you, sir.

Nothing happened, by the way.

I wore the stone and nothing bad came to pass.

Tell that to the Prime Minister.


Forgive me, Your Majesty, but your doctor called.

He needs to see you at once. It's urgent.

Excuse me, Deputy Prime Minister, but the palace are calling.

The Queen is commanding an audience.

Tell her I'll think about it and let her know.

I'm sorry?

I'm the acting Prime Minister.

I don't have time for tea with the Queen, and I certainly don't have time to repeat myself.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ In the quiet dream... ♪

(Door opens)