02x03 - Is Not This Something More Than Fantasy
Posted: 11/30/15 08:09
Previously on The Royals...
Your doctor called. He needs to see you once. It's urgent.
I have cancer. Of the balls.
Testicular cancer?
No, lung cancer in my balls. Yes, testicular cancer.
This was hanging around my neck the night before the King was k*lled.
It wasn't me.
We figure this out, we figure out who's been k*lling my family. And then we make them pay.
Hey.
Beck, what are you doing here?
I left her. It's always been you.
I like you when you say my name. (Whispers) Say it again.
Eleanor.
Your first order of business is to pass our bill.
Understood.
Is he?
Yes. Dead.
'Wait till Moorefield hears about this. He's been whoring himself out to a couple of half-wits.'
Get me a meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister.
I don't have time for tea with the Queen.
Tell her I'll think about it and let her know.
I don't believe in someday.
Lucky for you I do.
Nick: 'I hope the fairy tale works out for you.' I really do.
Nick...
He saw you coming. The man in the striped jacket. He called you... tenacious.
You've been retracing Dad's steps ever since the day he d*ed. Retrace yours. Find that thing that... that made you happy.
I need to do some things alone, and I need you to trust me.
♪ Saint Raymond: Carry Her Home ♪
(Knocking)
♪ The city screams ♪
♪ And my echoes dream ♪
Hi.
♪ I long for hope ♪
♪ It's all I see ♪
♪ She's fallen over... ♪
Sorry, I... I tried calling you. But you changed your number, so...
Yeah.
♪ The morning brings such a longed-for... ♪
You look good.
Liam, I do not look good.
Yes, you do.
Thanks.
♪ She's climbing out now ♪
♪ So I hold it still ♪
♪ She's climbing out now ♪
♪ So I hold it still ♪
(Bubbling)
♪ Now she rests her head... ♪
Morning.
♪ Time is just her bed ♪
So much for slowing down. Eleanor.
What?
Last night... you said you liked it when I said your name.
I did?
Mm-hm.
I do.
Mm.
I do. I... I just don't quite remember saying it.
Okay.
Hey!
Nope. You packed the bowl, now go pack a bag. We're going away for the weekend.
Where are we going?
It's a surprise.
Will it top the club opening in Chelsea tonight, though?
So much better than Chelsea. Just pack some things. I'll speak with James, and see if he'll stand down.
James?
Your security detail.
Right. Yes, of course, James. He amuses me. James.
You amuse me. Off we go.
I love a surprise.
(Bubbling)
I hate surprises. Quit being so dramatic and spit it out.
Despite our best efforts to eradicate your cancer, it seems we're losing the w*r.
You say "we" as if somehow you're involved.
We need to remove a testicle.
Let me get this straight. We're losing the w*r, but I'm losing a nut. Which one?
I'm sorry?
Which one am I losing?
Erm... Your right one.
(Sighs) The big one.
Your Majesty, try and focus on the positives.
Tell you what, I'll hack off one of yours and let's see how positive you are.
What I mean to say is that by removing the testicle we feel strongly that we can eradicate the cancer from your body.
So I'll b*at cancer but be a freak.
Cosmetically, there are testicular implants available. Prosthetics. I'll arrange for you to see some samples.
There's no other way?
I'm afraid not.
If I do this, I'll be okay?
We have every reason to believe you will be. Medically, we can only do so much. But positive thinking, diet, exercise, your support group, these things matter. You're the King of England, you can engender the goodwill of a nation. Channel the power of the people who love you.
So, basically, I'm screwed.
(Footsteps)
Your Majesty?
God's sake, it's about time. Why is she so late?
The Deputy Prime Minister won't be coming today.
She'd better be dead, like the last one.
It seems she canceled. She sent word that she's simply too busy to meet with you.
Who do you think you are? Wow! It seems the press g*ng's all here. Mr. Crenshaw.
Your Majesty.
And you must be our Deputy Prime Minister. My apologies, they didn't tell me you were disabled.
Your Majesty, I seem to have forgotten my manners.
Yes, and for the second time today.
Gentlemen, I look forward to seeing you all soon. And let's be honest, not near as much as you look forward to seeing me.
(Laughter)
Walk away.
Yes, you can all just... go out.
(Door closes)
Please, sit.
Perhaps a refresher course in etiquette. I'm the Queen of England. I speak first, I sit first, and I certainly don't wait for you. You wait for me and you don't cancel.
Of course. My apologies.
I think I'll sit.
Might I say what an honor and a privilege it is to meet Your Majesty. I've admired you since I was young.
But not too young.
You were recently working closely with the Prime Minister, yes? On a bill to alter the order of succession?
The Prime Minister was in full agreement that it was the right and prudent thing to do. Cyrus's children are not fit to rule the country.
Of course they're not, but then... none of you are. The people elect their leaders. The leaders protect their people. The monarchy is simply a national exhibit. Like going to the zoo or visiting an antiquated part of our history.
You intrigue me, um...
Rani. It means queen.
Of course it does. First you cancel your audience with the actual Queen, not just someone with a pretend name, and then you call me antiquated.
Both occasions simply reflect the modernity of England. A Prime Minister's work is never done.
You don't seem to understand you're not yet Prime Minister and never will be if I decide against it.
It's tragic that you actually believe that. And even more tragic that everyone lets you believe it.
No-one lets me do anything, and certainly not you.
Do I offend Your Majesty?
Yes, you do. Mostly with your stupidity, and partly with your arrogance. But what's most offensive are your knock-off Jimmy Choos. This is not Soho House Chicago. Pull yourself together.
Your bill is dead, Queenie. And so is the only hope you had with the people.
And so is the last person that sat in that chair. Don't get too comfortable. These are shark-infested waters and those fake tits won't keep you afloat for long.
(Door opens and closes)
Liam: How's your coffee?
Ophelia: I got tea. Yours?
I got coffee. It's good.
(Laughs)
I want to apologize.
You don't have to.
But I found out about your audition. I felt like I was putting you first. I was trying to be honorable. I was trying to shield you from the dangers and madness of my world. But I should have asked you instead of telling you. It was your choice to make, not mine.
Thank you for saying that.
I've missed you.
That's not fair.
Ophelia! I'm sorry.
♪ I'm not scared of his desire ♪
♪ Not scared, not scared ♪
♪ I'll be the fool caught in your fire ♪
♪ I'll be the fool ♪
♪ I've been waiting for blue moon to cover me ♪
♪ Something inside... ♪
What do you think?
Tell me there's a music festival or something nearby.
Actually, the opposite. I thought you could use a little quiet time.
Why, have you met me? Never understood why people like going to the country. There's nothing to do.
I have an amazing bed.
I like the country.
Come on.
Ooh!
♪ There's no use fighting... ♪
So this is what it comes to. You wait your entire life to be King... and then they cut off your balls.
It's just one ball, sir. Sac half full, if you will. Sir, if I may, perhaps the doctor was onto something. I mean, the power of positive thinking. The support of the people. As you said, you've waited a lifetime to be king. It would be a shame to cut that lifetime short.
Maybe you're right.
Perhaps a charity.
Or one of those bum buffets.
I think the term is "soup kitchen", Your Majesty.
Soup kitchen! Lucius, have the press meet us at a soup kitchen. Let's see if we can't generate a little goodwill.
Hm.
Len. Put your phone away, you're missing it.
What? Beck, I've seen the country.
A girl needs to eat.
You know that bed you were bragging about?
Yeah.
Picnic blanket is the new bed.
(Cheering)
(Applause and whistling)
Oh!
Come on.
I asked you all here today because I've had an epiphany. Our country has always helped those less fortunate. It troubles me to see so many with so little. And so I pledge to you all here today, the monarchy will match whatever funds Parliament will pledge, in perpetuity, in order to make us a happier, healthier, truly United Kingdom.
(Cheering)
♪ You were someone else when I was, too... ♪
You know the King owns all mute swans in England.
They're lucky to be mute. They don't have to worry about what to say.
I know you're upset with me.
How could I not be? You know I care about dancing and you didn't think I could do it on my own.
That's absolutely not true. I've always believed in you.
At first I thought the other dancers in the company were just avoiding me because I was the new girl. Then I thought maybe it had something to do with us. So, I tried befriending them and that's when I learned the truth. That apparently my place in the company was the result of a favor called in by the palace.
Ophelia, I promise you I knew nothing about this.
It doesn't matter. I couldn't stay there. I didn't earn it.
You did earn it. You'd have earned it every day.
It was just like Monaco. Something that was real and truthful, something that mattered, was twisted into something ugly because of your world. I told you, Liam, I wanted you, not your world. But they're both the same thing.
They don't have to be.
Yes, they do. Your world is their world, no matter what. I wish it wasn't, but it is. And it always will be.
I wanted everything you wanted. With you and for you. I didn't know about the rest of it.
I can tell you didn't know. And I appreciate you coming all this way to tell me. But like you said on the plane, you have to go back. This time I need you to go.
♪ We both know that this is the life that we chose ♪
♪ We both know that the hourglass ♪
♪ Inside my bones ♪
♪ Will wither down and run out of time ♪
♪ We'll try to mend it... ♪
Don't give up. On any of it.
♪ We both know this is the life that we chose ♪
♪ We both know this is the life that we chose ♪
Good news, sir.
Positive press from today's hobo hugging?
Not yet, sir, but the samples are here.
Samples?
Your prosthetic testicle, sir. Come.
(Dogs barking)
What on earth is going on?
The footmen think you're considering getting a royal pooch, Your Majesty. And dogs don't talk to the media.
Shrewd, Lucius. Good God, look at the sac on that one. I'd bruise my thighs playing squash.
It'll look very impressive when not playing squash, sir.
Point taken. To hell with squash.
The bulldog then, sir? A marvelous choice. Away!
(Whining and barking)
Good God! Are you eating dog now?
Only the fluffy ones. You look distressed.
I won't be when you agree not to approve the Deputy Prime Minister.
Then I suppose you will be distressed. Have you seen her approval rating? The people love her.
Since when do you care about the people?
I love the people.
Cyrus, you told a kid with Down's Syndrome to try harder. You find the people reprehensible and they feel the same about you. You should worry more about betraying anyone who can actually tolerate you, of which there are very few left.
(Nothing but Thieves: If I Get High)
♪ I'll meet you at the divide ♪
♪ To break the spell ♪
♪ A point where two worlds collide... ♪
Excuse me. Will you turn around?
♪ And we run and we run and we run... ♪
I like the country. Who knew?
♪ 'Til we break through... ♪
You don't happen to have some secret underground liquor cabinet anywhere nearby, by any chance?
I'm afraid not.
Just when I was thinking you'd thought of everything.
Well, I did think of it, then decided against it.
Why?
Well, let's see. I woke up to you smoking a bong, your bedroom looks like a chemist's and you can't recall half of our conversation from last night.
Right, so this whole weekend getaway, it's actually more like an intervention.
It's not an intervention. You just need to simmer down a bit.
Right.
I'm trying to make things better for you.
If you didn't want me to drink all you had to do was say it. You didn't have to trick me. We could have gone to the club. I wouldn't have gone so deep.
Eleanor, you know you would have.
This whole day, it feels like a lie now.
It's not a lie. I brought you here because I wanted you to get some peace and quiet. A little silence. I wanted to be alone with you. Eleanor, don't be angry.
I'm not.
Then where are you going?
Outdoor sex is overrated. Let's go try out that bed of yours. Come on!
♪ If I get high ♪
♪ If I get high... ♪
Liam!
I'm not giving up. I know I told you not to give up on your dancing, on us, on any of it. But I should have said, I'm not giving up. We can rebuild this, Ophelia.
I can't.
You can. We can. We were so good together and we could have been great, and I know I messed that up. But we can fix it. We can make our someday.
Liam, I can't.
Babe, who is it?
Liam.
Nick, hey. Er... hi.
Hey. What are you doing here?
I was just erm... headed home.
Wanted to wish you both my best.
Thanks. You sure you can't stay?
Yeah, yeah, unfortunately, I'm sure. It's good seeing you. It always is.
Liam!
No, you were right, this wasn't fair to you. He's a great guy and you're a great girl. You take care of yourself. Take care of each other.
I didn't know how to tell you.
Ophelia, it's okay. I'll see you someday.
I'm not kissing her ring. She should be kissing my ass. Some low-rent Deputy PM with a stick up her bum! She's lucky she's got the stick. Less room for my foot up there.
With complete respect, I'm merely suggesting there is a time for the whip and a time for the feather. Considering the time and effort Her Majesty has so skillfully invested, perhaps feather is the wiser play.
Fine, I'll try the feather. If that doesn't work, I'm burning Parliament to the ground, like that distillery. Now that was enjoyable, for me and the cows. Speaking of cows, find out her shoe size.
Of course, Your Majesty.
Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.
The right foot should be wearing these.
They're stunning. But I'm afraid I can't accept them.
Nonsense! Consider them a gift.
But, you see, if I accept a gift, it could be perceived as a bribe, and that would be inappropriate.
It's a pair of shoes, not Northern Ireland.
I'm sorry.
You're serious. Well, I tried.
You do understand we're the same, you and I? We employ the same tactics. The icy glare so you never have to raise your voice, a little cleavage, the occasional bat of the eyes, all to hide the fact that you're the smartest person in the room, and you're about to get exactly what you want. The difference is, I'm in a more relevant position of power.
Not yet.
I will be. When the King confirms me, I will quietly but effectively convince the people that the monarchy's time has passed.
Ooh. If that's true, why are we such a thr*at?
You're not. You're a nuisance. And when the monarchy goes away, when you go away... I'll still be here. And all the shoes, all the fake smiles, and all the Queen's men can't change that. Monarchy's on its last legs. My legs are better.
Ask ten people on the street who the Deputy Prime Minister is. Ask them to name the last five PMs or any member of Parliament. Then ask them who the Queen is. My name's for ever. Yours will be forgotten. Quite possibly never known in the first place.
Any news of the King, Lucius?
Nothing that can't wait till after your surgery, sir.
Let me see it.
(Sighs)
"The out of touch monarch tried to sound sincere but failed miserably, extolling the benefits of charity while wearing a pair of £10,000 bespoke Oxfords. Meanwhile, the People's Prince was seen nobly flying in coach class." Blah, blah, blah! (Lucius clears his throat) The People's Prince! I should have thought about the shoes. I over-extended myself. It's my own fault.
I will have our people generate some positive spin at once, Your Majesty.
It won't matter. Boy Wonder flies coach and is God's gift. I'm giving money to charity and having my balls cut off and nobody gives a sh*t about me.
It's just one ball, sir.
I know it's just one ball!
(Dustin Tebbutt: The Breach)
♪ We're all scared of trenches ♪
♪ And grow weak at the knees ♪
♪ I want you to know that ♪
♪ If all you've ever wanted ♪
♪ Was a dream... ♪
Would you mind pulling over here? I think I'll just walk a bit. No security police. I'll be fine.
♪ But did I show you love? ♪
♪ In the author on my face ♪
♪ Cos you know you left a hollow ♪
♪ Where your body cut an alcove ♪
♪ Did I show you love? ♪
♪ Cos the silence never stayed ♪
♪ It's a breach I'll never cover ♪
♪ It's a breach I'll never cover ♪
Hello, Prince.
Who are you?
Your worst nightmare.
What do you want?
Want?
We want to have sex with you.
What?
Oh, yes.
We wanna have all the sex with you and you're gonna love it so much.
Holden?
(Shouting and laughter)
Assholes! You freaked me out. Don't do that!
Yeah, but didn't you love the idea of being our sex sl*ve just a little bit.
You are a piece of work.
It was my brother's idea.
We had to kidnap you to take you out tonight.
Guys, I'm not going out, I'm going home.
Dude, you're already out.
The only one not out here is Ashok. Right, darling?
(Laughter)
(Pounding dance music)
A little pop-up I threw in your honor. I call it Rebound. Shall we?
One drink.
Of course.
Hey! D-Throned. Leave her alone.
You just broke my phone.
Yeah? I just broke a nail, and they cost more than your sh*t phone.
Slag.
Thanks.
All good. I actually don't even know what slag means. I'll see ya.
She has a boyfriend.
Ooh.
I know the guy. Seems like what she wants.
What do you want?
I want her to be happy. I want this beer, and about six more just like them.
Oh, my God! I'm drunk. Polo match. You were stalking the stripy suit guy.
Right.
Wilhelmina. Oh, my shoes are k*lling me. Oh... You guys wanna drink sh*ts?
Erm... maybe later.
Disappointing.
Okay, we love her. Oh, no. It's my dad.
I got it.
You sure?
I love your father.
Oh, my God. Dad's here. Why couldn't he have d*ed like all the good rock stars?
(Dance music)
What are you drinking?
sh*ts.
Of?
I read once that if you're gonna take a sh*t, it should be something you feel, like, tequila or whiskey. Nothing with juice or some funny name.
I absolutely agree. Who wrote that?
I don't know. Hemingway or J.K. Rowling. Someone like that. So, what's your poison? dr*gs, booze, boys?
Yes!
(Laughs) Okay. I hear that.
Except the first two got me in trouble with the third, so I kind of sexed him into a coma and snuck out.
Well played. So, no boys. How about booze? You game?
I'm so game. I'm Len.
I know. I mean, I'd like to pretend I'm all cool and I don't, but the truth is, your fashion sense is amazing. We all think you're a badass rock star.
Who's we?
Models. I'm a model. Mandy. To feeling this in the morning.
Beats feeling nothing at all.
Ahh! I'm telling you, they should all be ashamed of themselves. Every so-called rock band out there. I was backstage at a Linkin Park show and they were all on their laptops. Answering e-mails and doing charity. I said, "Oi. You're supposed to be a rock band. Smash something, you pussies!" (Laughs) Oh. Alright. Here we go. This bird's been looking this way all night. I hope she's looking at me, but worried she's looking at you. And if she's looking at Ivan the whole lot of us are gonna be disappointed. No, no, no, no. I do love my sons. Always will. But I never would have guessed it. One loves excess and the other loves men. I blame their moms. Oh! Here she comes.
Hi.
Son of a bitch!
Hi.
I'm not much for small talk so... I was wondering if you wanted to leave with me?
I'm sorry. I can't.
Okay. I guess I tried.
Hey. I said I couldn't leave with you, because I can't. (Paparazzi calling out) Put your address in my phone and I'll see you there.
♪ I got a little wicked in me... ♪
Uh-uh. I would, but I have to sh**t in a few hours. And I really need to get some sleep. And that's one of the things you said you got into trouble with your man for. So, I'm just saying.
This from the girl who just poured an entire bottle of whiskey down my throat?
Okay, well, I never said that I wasn't a hypocrite. But I really do gotta go home, so, thank you for the amazing night.
Thank you.
Um... now I know you probably have some kind of royal background check that I will fail miserably, but I had the best time tonight, so, if you want, I can give you my number and we can go out again. Or give you my two cents about your boyfriend situation, or just listen or whatever.
Yeah. That would be great. Let's do that.
Alright. I'm gonna go. Are you sure you're okay?
Bitch, I'm fine. Walk away, so I can look at your seriously great ass.
Bye.
Bye. Wait! Firstly, I was right about your ass. Secondly... what is your two cents?
You sure you wanna hear it?
Yeah.
Well, you're sneaking out during the brand-new, blissed out, non-stop sex phase. Have you ever had a relationship that got better than that? But what do I know? I'm sure he's amazing.
Yeah.
Timing is everything, right?
Yeah.
Good luck.
Thanks.
If you're looking for Princess Eleanor's stash, it's to the left.
You know about this?
You think I come to work sober?
It's been a long week. A feather didn't work with the Deputy PM. If I'm gonna pass my bill, I need to find another way.
I can ask around. Those PMs are rather kinky. A little blackmail goes a long way.
Hm. Well, I guess it's time for the whip. Literally.
How are you feeling, Your Majesty?
I'm feeling fine. Stop here. I'll walk the rest of the way.
Sir, the doctor said no.
I can't be seen in a wheelchair. Someone will notify the press. (Grunts) I'll walk. (Groans)
How was it?
It was fun. I'm sorry if I worried you.
I was already worried. That's why I brought you here. I know who you are and all that comes with it. I was just hoping I could add a little quiet to your noise.
Quiet is difficult for me right now, Beck. The noise is... how I breathe. It's what gets me through the day.
But you know that's temporary, right? It won't always be that way.
What if it is? What if this is who... who I am? You know, you're always telling me who I can be. What if this is me, this version? You know, loud, messy, sh*t-show princess.
It's not. Don't blame me for seeing a better you. For believing in the best version of you.
Of course I don't. I love you for it.
(Daughter: Lifeforms)
But it just reminds me of how broken I am. It makes me feel like I'm constantly disappointing you. Not to mention that my father felt the same way. You left your wife for me.
I left my wife... and the noise of her world. And then... I chose you.
You have a type.
No. There's no type when it comes to you. You're in a place all of your own.
I know you mean that as a compliment. But it feels like I am. Alone. And I know it's my fault, because you show up and you're incredible to me, but... I can't be quiet right now, Beck.
I need to be.
♪ She don't even want to speak to you ♪
Our timing always sucks.
♪ But you ♪
♪ You'll always find another place ♪
♪ To go ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
♪ You'll always find another womb ♪
♪ To grow ♪
♪ To grow... ♪
(Breathing heavily)
Your Majesty? Let me help you.
♪ To grow ♪
I can do it.
Of course you can. But don't be so stubborn. Everybody needs a little help sometimes.
♪ Well, you can try to sink down deeply...
Let's not say goodbye. Let's just say...
I love you.
♪ Find the children who discreetly... ♪
They always do.
♪ To stop them holding you and screaming ♪
♪ That you'll lose your wildest dreaming ♪
Come on, guys. I'm just a girl. I get my heart broken, too. Could you just stop this, this once? (All call out) Come on, guys. Please! Just...
(Eleanor sobs)
(They continue to call out)
♪ You'll always find another place ♪
(Paparazzi call out)
♪ To go ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
Liam!
♪ You'll always find another womb ♪
♪ To grow ♪
♪ To grow ♪
You need to drink lots of fluids and stay put. You shouldn't have been on your feet after surgery like that.
I didn't have surgery.
My father had cancer. He was stubborn too.
I would prefer it if you didn't speak of this.
Of course I won't. We're not allowed to tell anything that happens in the palace. Your drink. And then get some sleep. You seem sad. Is it the pain or something else?
They don't like me.
Who?
People. They don't like me and they never will.
Well, I like you.
What's your name?
Violet.
Thank you, Violet. You seem nice. Not like the rest of them.
You seem nice too. You're funny. And, anyway, what do you care if they like you or not? You're the King of England. They still have to do what you say.
♪ Drifting away with time ♪
♪ You'll regret you conceived it ♪
Your doctor called. He needs to see you once. It's urgent.
I have cancer. Of the balls.
Testicular cancer?
No, lung cancer in my balls. Yes, testicular cancer.
This was hanging around my neck the night before the King was k*lled.
It wasn't me.
We figure this out, we figure out who's been k*lling my family. And then we make them pay.
Hey.
Beck, what are you doing here?
I left her. It's always been you.
I like you when you say my name. (Whispers) Say it again.
Eleanor.
Your first order of business is to pass our bill.
Understood.
Is he?
Yes. Dead.
'Wait till Moorefield hears about this. He's been whoring himself out to a couple of half-wits.'
Get me a meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister.
I don't have time for tea with the Queen.
Tell her I'll think about it and let her know.
I don't believe in someday.
Lucky for you I do.
Nick: 'I hope the fairy tale works out for you.' I really do.
Nick...
He saw you coming. The man in the striped jacket. He called you... tenacious.
You've been retracing Dad's steps ever since the day he d*ed. Retrace yours. Find that thing that... that made you happy.
I need to do some things alone, and I need you to trust me.
♪ Saint Raymond: Carry Her Home ♪
(Knocking)
♪ The city screams ♪
♪ And my echoes dream ♪
Hi.
♪ I long for hope ♪
♪ It's all I see ♪
♪ She's fallen over... ♪
Sorry, I... I tried calling you. But you changed your number, so...
Yeah.
♪ The morning brings such a longed-for... ♪
You look good.
Liam, I do not look good.
Yes, you do.
Thanks.
♪ She's climbing out now ♪
♪ So I hold it still ♪
♪ She's climbing out now ♪
♪ So I hold it still ♪
(Bubbling)
♪ Now she rests her head... ♪
Morning.
♪ Time is just her bed ♪
So much for slowing down. Eleanor.
What?
Last night... you said you liked it when I said your name.
I did?
Mm-hm.
I do.
Mm.
I do. I... I just don't quite remember saying it.
Okay.
Hey!
Nope. You packed the bowl, now go pack a bag. We're going away for the weekend.
Where are we going?
It's a surprise.
Will it top the club opening in Chelsea tonight, though?
So much better than Chelsea. Just pack some things. I'll speak with James, and see if he'll stand down.
James?
Your security detail.
Right. Yes, of course, James. He amuses me. James.
You amuse me. Off we go.
I love a surprise.
(Bubbling)
I hate surprises. Quit being so dramatic and spit it out.
Despite our best efforts to eradicate your cancer, it seems we're losing the w*r.
You say "we" as if somehow you're involved.
We need to remove a testicle.
Let me get this straight. We're losing the w*r, but I'm losing a nut. Which one?
I'm sorry?
Which one am I losing?
Erm... Your right one.
(Sighs) The big one.
Your Majesty, try and focus on the positives.
Tell you what, I'll hack off one of yours and let's see how positive you are.
What I mean to say is that by removing the testicle we feel strongly that we can eradicate the cancer from your body.
So I'll b*at cancer but be a freak.
Cosmetically, there are testicular implants available. Prosthetics. I'll arrange for you to see some samples.
There's no other way?
I'm afraid not.
If I do this, I'll be okay?
We have every reason to believe you will be. Medically, we can only do so much. But positive thinking, diet, exercise, your support group, these things matter. You're the King of England, you can engender the goodwill of a nation. Channel the power of the people who love you.
So, basically, I'm screwed.
(Footsteps)
Your Majesty?
God's sake, it's about time. Why is she so late?
The Deputy Prime Minister won't be coming today.
She'd better be dead, like the last one.
It seems she canceled. She sent word that she's simply too busy to meet with you.
Who do you think you are? Wow! It seems the press g*ng's all here. Mr. Crenshaw.
Your Majesty.
And you must be our Deputy Prime Minister. My apologies, they didn't tell me you were disabled.
Your Majesty, I seem to have forgotten my manners.
Yes, and for the second time today.
Gentlemen, I look forward to seeing you all soon. And let's be honest, not near as much as you look forward to seeing me.
(Laughter)
Walk away.
Yes, you can all just... go out.
(Door closes)
Please, sit.
Perhaps a refresher course in etiquette. I'm the Queen of England. I speak first, I sit first, and I certainly don't wait for you. You wait for me and you don't cancel.
Of course. My apologies.
I think I'll sit.
Might I say what an honor and a privilege it is to meet Your Majesty. I've admired you since I was young.
But not too young.
You were recently working closely with the Prime Minister, yes? On a bill to alter the order of succession?
The Prime Minister was in full agreement that it was the right and prudent thing to do. Cyrus's children are not fit to rule the country.
Of course they're not, but then... none of you are. The people elect their leaders. The leaders protect their people. The monarchy is simply a national exhibit. Like going to the zoo or visiting an antiquated part of our history.
You intrigue me, um...
Rani. It means queen.
Of course it does. First you cancel your audience with the actual Queen, not just someone with a pretend name, and then you call me antiquated.
Both occasions simply reflect the modernity of England. A Prime Minister's work is never done.
You don't seem to understand you're not yet Prime Minister and never will be if I decide against it.
It's tragic that you actually believe that. And even more tragic that everyone lets you believe it.
No-one lets me do anything, and certainly not you.
Do I offend Your Majesty?
Yes, you do. Mostly with your stupidity, and partly with your arrogance. But what's most offensive are your knock-off Jimmy Choos. This is not Soho House Chicago. Pull yourself together.
Your bill is dead, Queenie. And so is the only hope you had with the people.
And so is the last person that sat in that chair. Don't get too comfortable. These are shark-infested waters and those fake tits won't keep you afloat for long.
(Door opens and closes)
Liam: How's your coffee?
Ophelia: I got tea. Yours?
I got coffee. It's good.
(Laughs)
I want to apologize.
You don't have to.
But I found out about your audition. I felt like I was putting you first. I was trying to be honorable. I was trying to shield you from the dangers and madness of my world. But I should have asked you instead of telling you. It was your choice to make, not mine.
Thank you for saying that.
I've missed you.
That's not fair.
Ophelia! I'm sorry.
♪ I'm not scared of his desire ♪
♪ Not scared, not scared ♪
♪ I'll be the fool caught in your fire ♪
♪ I'll be the fool ♪
♪ I've been waiting for blue moon to cover me ♪
♪ Something inside... ♪
What do you think?
Tell me there's a music festival or something nearby.
Actually, the opposite. I thought you could use a little quiet time.
Why, have you met me? Never understood why people like going to the country. There's nothing to do.
I have an amazing bed.
I like the country.
Come on.
Ooh!
♪ There's no use fighting... ♪
So this is what it comes to. You wait your entire life to be King... and then they cut off your balls.
It's just one ball, sir. Sac half full, if you will. Sir, if I may, perhaps the doctor was onto something. I mean, the power of positive thinking. The support of the people. As you said, you've waited a lifetime to be king. It would be a shame to cut that lifetime short.
Maybe you're right.
Perhaps a charity.
Or one of those bum buffets.
I think the term is "soup kitchen", Your Majesty.
Soup kitchen! Lucius, have the press meet us at a soup kitchen. Let's see if we can't generate a little goodwill.
Hm.
Len. Put your phone away, you're missing it.
What? Beck, I've seen the country.
A girl needs to eat.
You know that bed you were bragging about?
Yeah.
Picnic blanket is the new bed.
(Cheering)
(Applause and whistling)
Oh!
Come on.
I asked you all here today because I've had an epiphany. Our country has always helped those less fortunate. It troubles me to see so many with so little. And so I pledge to you all here today, the monarchy will match whatever funds Parliament will pledge, in perpetuity, in order to make us a happier, healthier, truly United Kingdom.
(Cheering)
♪ You were someone else when I was, too... ♪
You know the King owns all mute swans in England.
They're lucky to be mute. They don't have to worry about what to say.
I know you're upset with me.
How could I not be? You know I care about dancing and you didn't think I could do it on my own.
That's absolutely not true. I've always believed in you.
At first I thought the other dancers in the company were just avoiding me because I was the new girl. Then I thought maybe it had something to do with us. So, I tried befriending them and that's when I learned the truth. That apparently my place in the company was the result of a favor called in by the palace.
Ophelia, I promise you I knew nothing about this.
It doesn't matter. I couldn't stay there. I didn't earn it.
You did earn it. You'd have earned it every day.
It was just like Monaco. Something that was real and truthful, something that mattered, was twisted into something ugly because of your world. I told you, Liam, I wanted you, not your world. But they're both the same thing.
They don't have to be.
Yes, they do. Your world is their world, no matter what. I wish it wasn't, but it is. And it always will be.
I wanted everything you wanted. With you and for you. I didn't know about the rest of it.
I can tell you didn't know. And I appreciate you coming all this way to tell me. But like you said on the plane, you have to go back. This time I need you to go.
♪ We both know that this is the life that we chose ♪
♪ We both know that the hourglass ♪
♪ Inside my bones ♪
♪ Will wither down and run out of time ♪
♪ We'll try to mend it... ♪
Don't give up. On any of it.
♪ We both know this is the life that we chose ♪
♪ We both know this is the life that we chose ♪
Good news, sir.
Positive press from today's hobo hugging?
Not yet, sir, but the samples are here.
Samples?
Your prosthetic testicle, sir. Come.
(Dogs barking)
What on earth is going on?
The footmen think you're considering getting a royal pooch, Your Majesty. And dogs don't talk to the media.
Shrewd, Lucius. Good God, look at the sac on that one. I'd bruise my thighs playing squash.
It'll look very impressive when not playing squash, sir.
Point taken. To hell with squash.
The bulldog then, sir? A marvelous choice. Away!
(Whining and barking)
Good God! Are you eating dog now?
Only the fluffy ones. You look distressed.
I won't be when you agree not to approve the Deputy Prime Minister.
Then I suppose you will be distressed. Have you seen her approval rating? The people love her.
Since when do you care about the people?
I love the people.
Cyrus, you told a kid with Down's Syndrome to try harder. You find the people reprehensible and they feel the same about you. You should worry more about betraying anyone who can actually tolerate you, of which there are very few left.
(Nothing but Thieves: If I Get High)
♪ I'll meet you at the divide ♪
♪ To break the spell ♪
♪ A point where two worlds collide... ♪
Excuse me. Will you turn around?
♪ And we run and we run and we run... ♪
I like the country. Who knew?
♪ 'Til we break through... ♪
You don't happen to have some secret underground liquor cabinet anywhere nearby, by any chance?
I'm afraid not.
Just when I was thinking you'd thought of everything.
Well, I did think of it, then decided against it.
Why?
Well, let's see. I woke up to you smoking a bong, your bedroom looks like a chemist's and you can't recall half of our conversation from last night.
Right, so this whole weekend getaway, it's actually more like an intervention.
It's not an intervention. You just need to simmer down a bit.
Right.
I'm trying to make things better for you.
If you didn't want me to drink all you had to do was say it. You didn't have to trick me. We could have gone to the club. I wouldn't have gone so deep.
Eleanor, you know you would have.
This whole day, it feels like a lie now.
It's not a lie. I brought you here because I wanted you to get some peace and quiet. A little silence. I wanted to be alone with you. Eleanor, don't be angry.
I'm not.
Then where are you going?
Outdoor sex is overrated. Let's go try out that bed of yours. Come on!
♪ If I get high ♪
♪ If I get high... ♪
Liam!
I'm not giving up. I know I told you not to give up on your dancing, on us, on any of it. But I should have said, I'm not giving up. We can rebuild this, Ophelia.
I can't.
You can. We can. We were so good together and we could have been great, and I know I messed that up. But we can fix it. We can make our someday.
Liam, I can't.
Babe, who is it?
Liam.
Nick, hey. Er... hi.
Hey. What are you doing here?
I was just erm... headed home.
Wanted to wish you both my best.
Thanks. You sure you can't stay?
Yeah, yeah, unfortunately, I'm sure. It's good seeing you. It always is.
Liam!
No, you were right, this wasn't fair to you. He's a great guy and you're a great girl. You take care of yourself. Take care of each other.
I didn't know how to tell you.
Ophelia, it's okay. I'll see you someday.
I'm not kissing her ring. She should be kissing my ass. Some low-rent Deputy PM with a stick up her bum! She's lucky she's got the stick. Less room for my foot up there.
With complete respect, I'm merely suggesting there is a time for the whip and a time for the feather. Considering the time and effort Her Majesty has so skillfully invested, perhaps feather is the wiser play.
Fine, I'll try the feather. If that doesn't work, I'm burning Parliament to the ground, like that distillery. Now that was enjoyable, for me and the cows. Speaking of cows, find out her shoe size.
Of course, Your Majesty.
Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot.
The right foot should be wearing these.
They're stunning. But I'm afraid I can't accept them.
Nonsense! Consider them a gift.
But, you see, if I accept a gift, it could be perceived as a bribe, and that would be inappropriate.
It's a pair of shoes, not Northern Ireland.
I'm sorry.
You're serious. Well, I tried.
You do understand we're the same, you and I? We employ the same tactics. The icy glare so you never have to raise your voice, a little cleavage, the occasional bat of the eyes, all to hide the fact that you're the smartest person in the room, and you're about to get exactly what you want. The difference is, I'm in a more relevant position of power.
Not yet.
I will be. When the King confirms me, I will quietly but effectively convince the people that the monarchy's time has passed.
Ooh. If that's true, why are we such a thr*at?
You're not. You're a nuisance. And when the monarchy goes away, when you go away... I'll still be here. And all the shoes, all the fake smiles, and all the Queen's men can't change that. Monarchy's on its last legs. My legs are better.
Ask ten people on the street who the Deputy Prime Minister is. Ask them to name the last five PMs or any member of Parliament. Then ask them who the Queen is. My name's for ever. Yours will be forgotten. Quite possibly never known in the first place.
Any news of the King, Lucius?
Nothing that can't wait till after your surgery, sir.
Let me see it.
(Sighs)
"The out of touch monarch tried to sound sincere but failed miserably, extolling the benefits of charity while wearing a pair of £10,000 bespoke Oxfords. Meanwhile, the People's Prince was seen nobly flying in coach class." Blah, blah, blah! (Lucius clears his throat) The People's Prince! I should have thought about the shoes. I over-extended myself. It's my own fault.
I will have our people generate some positive spin at once, Your Majesty.
It won't matter. Boy Wonder flies coach and is God's gift. I'm giving money to charity and having my balls cut off and nobody gives a sh*t about me.
It's just one ball, sir.
I know it's just one ball!
(Dustin Tebbutt: The Breach)
♪ We're all scared of trenches ♪
♪ And grow weak at the knees ♪
♪ I want you to know that ♪
♪ If all you've ever wanted ♪
♪ Was a dream... ♪
Would you mind pulling over here? I think I'll just walk a bit. No security police. I'll be fine.
♪ But did I show you love? ♪
♪ In the author on my face ♪
♪ Cos you know you left a hollow ♪
♪ Where your body cut an alcove ♪
♪ Did I show you love? ♪
♪ Cos the silence never stayed ♪
♪ It's a breach I'll never cover ♪
♪ It's a breach I'll never cover ♪
Hello, Prince.
Who are you?
Your worst nightmare.
What do you want?
Want?
We want to have sex with you.
What?
Oh, yes.
We wanna have all the sex with you and you're gonna love it so much.
Holden?
(Shouting and laughter)
Assholes! You freaked me out. Don't do that!
Yeah, but didn't you love the idea of being our sex sl*ve just a little bit.
You are a piece of work.
It was my brother's idea.
We had to kidnap you to take you out tonight.
Guys, I'm not going out, I'm going home.
Dude, you're already out.
The only one not out here is Ashok. Right, darling?
(Laughter)
(Pounding dance music)
A little pop-up I threw in your honor. I call it Rebound. Shall we?
One drink.
Of course.
Hey! D-Throned. Leave her alone.
You just broke my phone.
Yeah? I just broke a nail, and they cost more than your sh*t phone.
Slag.
Thanks.
All good. I actually don't even know what slag means. I'll see ya.
She has a boyfriend.
Ooh.
I know the guy. Seems like what she wants.
What do you want?
I want her to be happy. I want this beer, and about six more just like them.
Oh, my God! I'm drunk. Polo match. You were stalking the stripy suit guy.
Right.
Wilhelmina. Oh, my shoes are k*lling me. Oh... You guys wanna drink sh*ts?
Erm... maybe later.
Disappointing.
Okay, we love her. Oh, no. It's my dad.
I got it.
You sure?
I love your father.
Oh, my God. Dad's here. Why couldn't he have d*ed like all the good rock stars?
(Dance music)
What are you drinking?
sh*ts.
Of?
I read once that if you're gonna take a sh*t, it should be something you feel, like, tequila or whiskey. Nothing with juice or some funny name.
I absolutely agree. Who wrote that?
I don't know. Hemingway or J.K. Rowling. Someone like that. So, what's your poison? dr*gs, booze, boys?
Yes!
(Laughs) Okay. I hear that.
Except the first two got me in trouble with the third, so I kind of sexed him into a coma and snuck out.
Well played. So, no boys. How about booze? You game?
I'm so game. I'm Len.
I know. I mean, I'd like to pretend I'm all cool and I don't, but the truth is, your fashion sense is amazing. We all think you're a badass rock star.
Who's we?
Models. I'm a model. Mandy. To feeling this in the morning.
Beats feeling nothing at all.
Ahh! I'm telling you, they should all be ashamed of themselves. Every so-called rock band out there. I was backstage at a Linkin Park show and they were all on their laptops. Answering e-mails and doing charity. I said, "Oi. You're supposed to be a rock band. Smash something, you pussies!" (Laughs) Oh. Alright. Here we go. This bird's been looking this way all night. I hope she's looking at me, but worried she's looking at you. And if she's looking at Ivan the whole lot of us are gonna be disappointed. No, no, no, no. I do love my sons. Always will. But I never would have guessed it. One loves excess and the other loves men. I blame their moms. Oh! Here she comes.
Hi.
Son of a bitch!
Hi.
I'm not much for small talk so... I was wondering if you wanted to leave with me?
I'm sorry. I can't.
Okay. I guess I tried.
Hey. I said I couldn't leave with you, because I can't. (Paparazzi calling out) Put your address in my phone and I'll see you there.
♪ I got a little wicked in me... ♪
Uh-uh. I would, but I have to sh**t in a few hours. And I really need to get some sleep. And that's one of the things you said you got into trouble with your man for. So, I'm just saying.
This from the girl who just poured an entire bottle of whiskey down my throat?
Okay, well, I never said that I wasn't a hypocrite. But I really do gotta go home, so, thank you for the amazing night.
Thank you.
Um... now I know you probably have some kind of royal background check that I will fail miserably, but I had the best time tonight, so, if you want, I can give you my number and we can go out again. Or give you my two cents about your boyfriend situation, or just listen or whatever.
Yeah. That would be great. Let's do that.
Alright. I'm gonna go. Are you sure you're okay?
Bitch, I'm fine. Walk away, so I can look at your seriously great ass.
Bye.
Bye. Wait! Firstly, I was right about your ass. Secondly... what is your two cents?
You sure you wanna hear it?
Yeah.
Well, you're sneaking out during the brand-new, blissed out, non-stop sex phase. Have you ever had a relationship that got better than that? But what do I know? I'm sure he's amazing.
Yeah.
Timing is everything, right?
Yeah.
Good luck.
Thanks.
If you're looking for Princess Eleanor's stash, it's to the left.
You know about this?
You think I come to work sober?
It's been a long week. A feather didn't work with the Deputy PM. If I'm gonna pass my bill, I need to find another way.
I can ask around. Those PMs are rather kinky. A little blackmail goes a long way.
Hm. Well, I guess it's time for the whip. Literally.
How are you feeling, Your Majesty?
I'm feeling fine. Stop here. I'll walk the rest of the way.
Sir, the doctor said no.
I can't be seen in a wheelchair. Someone will notify the press. (Grunts) I'll walk. (Groans)
How was it?
It was fun. I'm sorry if I worried you.
I was already worried. That's why I brought you here. I know who you are and all that comes with it. I was just hoping I could add a little quiet to your noise.
Quiet is difficult for me right now, Beck. The noise is... how I breathe. It's what gets me through the day.
But you know that's temporary, right? It won't always be that way.
What if it is? What if this is who... who I am? You know, you're always telling me who I can be. What if this is me, this version? You know, loud, messy, sh*t-show princess.
It's not. Don't blame me for seeing a better you. For believing in the best version of you.
Of course I don't. I love you for it.
(Daughter: Lifeforms)
But it just reminds me of how broken I am. It makes me feel like I'm constantly disappointing you. Not to mention that my father felt the same way. You left your wife for me.
I left my wife... and the noise of her world. And then... I chose you.
You have a type.
No. There's no type when it comes to you. You're in a place all of your own.
I know you mean that as a compliment. But it feels like I am. Alone. And I know it's my fault, because you show up and you're incredible to me, but... I can't be quiet right now, Beck.
I need to be.
♪ She don't even want to speak to you ♪
Our timing always sucks.
♪ But you ♪
♪ You'll always find another place ♪
♪ To go ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
♪ You'll always find another womb ♪
♪ To grow ♪
♪ To grow... ♪
(Breathing heavily)
Your Majesty? Let me help you.
♪ To grow ♪
I can do it.
Of course you can. But don't be so stubborn. Everybody needs a little help sometimes.
♪ Well, you can try to sink down deeply...
Let's not say goodbye. Let's just say...
I love you.
♪ Find the children who discreetly... ♪
They always do.
♪ To stop them holding you and screaming ♪
♪ That you'll lose your wildest dreaming ♪
Come on, guys. I'm just a girl. I get my heart broken, too. Could you just stop this, this once? (All call out) Come on, guys. Please! Just...
(Eleanor sobs)
(They continue to call out)
♪ You'll always find another place ♪
(Paparazzi call out)
♪ To go ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
Liam!
♪ You'll always find another womb ♪
♪ To grow ♪
♪ To grow ♪
You need to drink lots of fluids and stay put. You shouldn't have been on your feet after surgery like that.
I didn't have surgery.
My father had cancer. He was stubborn too.
I would prefer it if you didn't speak of this.
Of course I won't. We're not allowed to tell anything that happens in the palace. Your drink. And then get some sleep. You seem sad. Is it the pain or something else?
They don't like me.
Who?
People. They don't like me and they never will.
Well, I like you.
What's your name?
Violet.
Thank you, Violet. You seem nice. Not like the rest of them.
You seem nice too. You're funny. And, anyway, what do you care if they like you or not? You're the King of England. They still have to do what you say.
♪ Drifting away with time ♪
♪ You'll regret you conceived it ♪