03x02 - Passing Through Nature to Eternity

'Previously on The Royals...'

I will find Simon's body and when I do, Liam and Eleanor's paternity will be verified and you'll be replaced.

No Simon, no DNA, no paternity.

We have an opening for the King's head of security.

I'd like it to be you.

Can't remember the last time I went this long without having s*x.

Maybe I could arrange a little service call for Your Majesty.

It's a pleasure to finally meet our new Lord Chamberlain.

Violet, I love you.

'I'm sorry I messed up.'

Jasper. I've decided to forgive you.

For what?

All of it.

Hashtag, 'King Liam Movement.'

I'd like to know where it started.

Better still, who started it.

You will find that taking a life is an unbearable weight.

Sorry, we're shut.

I thought about you a lot.

I should have done more for you.

(CLAMORING OF PEOPLE)

(MULTIPLE QUESTIONS BEING SHOUTED)

Prince Robert, how did you survive on the island?

Were you scared?

Describe the moment you knew you were in peril.

Did you think you were going to die?

(CLAMORING RESUMES)

Hi.

Hello.

Are you a princess?

That's what they tell me.

Where's your crown?

I don't sleep in the crown. It's too pointy.

Do you have one?

I suppose I do, yeah.

How about glass slippers?

I'm a princess, not Cinderella.

What about a prince?

What about it?

Do you have one?

Well, define 'prince.'

You know, like a boy who likes you and rides a white horse and kisses you awake sometimes.

I have several princes, yeah.

I'm not too sure about the white horse part.

Okay, good. See you later.

Bye. Wait!

(GROANS) Who are you, exactly, again?

Oh. I'm called Sara Alice. You can call me Sara or Alice.

Or whatever you want, considering you're a princess.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

(GROANS)

Ooh, is that fairy dust?

Stop!

That's... poison from the evil Queen.

You know the story.

I do know all about it, yes.

Good. Well, don't ever touch that.

Whoever you are.

Sara Alice.

Yes, of course. You said that. Right...

Are you sure you're a princess?

I'm pretty sure, yeah. Why?

Did you swallow some of the wicked Queen's poison?

I think some got in my nose, yeah.

I can tell. You don't look very princess-y.

That's very nice. Come on, let's go, Sara Alice in the palace. Heel!

I'm not a dog, but I'd love to have one.

Daddy says I'm allergic to dogs, cats, and horses.

Right...

(KATHRYN) How's the hangover? (GIGGLES)

I feel like a pack of wild dogs dragged me through the streets.

You look like it, too. Here.

Thanks.

Cup of tea isn't too much to ask before the motorcade steals you away.

You know the story.

I do.

I erm, put my number in your phone.

You know, in case you find yourself drunk or once again cornered by rabid dogs.

How have you been, Kathryn?

I've been okay.

Keeping busy.

Yeah. Same.

Not the same kind of busyness at all.

The rest of it's the same.

Last time I saw you...

We took that picture.

I remember.

For what it's worth, you look good.

Thanks. You, not so much.

Thanks for the tea.

Erm, you got your phone? Wallet, keys?

I don't have keys. I'm a prince.

Yes, you certainly are.

We always have to remember that. No, you always have to remember that.

Thank you. It really is wonderful to see you.

Go. I have to list your cup on eBay.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Enter.

♪ I love me ♪
♪ I love me ♪
♪ I don't know about you ♪
♪ But, baby, I love me ♪
♪ Now everybody say, 'Hey-ey-ey' ♪
♪ Hey-ey-ey! ♪
♪ I love me ♪
♪ Hey-ey-ey ♪
♪ I love me ♪
♪ They're gonna say all kinds of things ♪
♪ They'll make jokes about my name ♪
♪ They're gonna try to clip my wings ♪
♪ But I'm gonna fly ♪
♪ I'm gonna fly ♪
♪ They'll play me like a... ♪

Your Majesty.

Mr Hoenigsberg.

Everyone else walk away. Thank you.

Choose your next words very carefully.

At 11:00am, Your Majesty has an audience with Her Majesty Queen Letizia of Spain regarding the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization.

I took the liberty of including some background materials as they pertain to Her Majesty's work as special ambassador for nutrition.

At 1300, you have a luncheon and tea with several members of the League of Women for the Preservation of London.

(GROANS) Those bitches are relentless.

Very well. In the future, I like to know the menu in advance for my lunches.

Yes, ma'am. This afternoon's main course will be the smoked salmon with lemon butter and watercress.

And if I may suggest the Oolong Formosa tea.

Fermented tea from Taiwan, featuring an attractive amber hue, a gentle multi-taste, yet a robust and fully-developed aroma.

Anything else?

You'll look pretty in the pink one.

Strictly professional, Mr Hoenigsberg.

Of course. Forgive me, Your Majesty.

♪ You can tell by the way I talk ♪
♪ You can tell by the way I walk ♪
♪ I can see clear when looking in the mirror ♪
♪ Saying, 'God made me just right' ♪
♪ Oh, I love me... ♪

Shouldn't you be wearing a crown right now?

At least a ribbon in your hair.

(GROANS)

Isn't your hair supposed to be blonde?

Ssh!

At least more golden-y colored.

Ssh!

Hey, nice underpants.

(GROANS)

I found this in my room. You can have it.

Be warned, it's chatty. Argh!

Well, what am I supposed to do with her?

Try asking your boss.

You're short.

Do you know anything about children?

No. But I do carry a gun. Let's go.

My daddy is James Hill.

I assumed as much. You know why?

Why?

Because he's short, too.

You walk too fast. You know your legs are longer than mine.

Can you get me some ice cream?

I have to say, it was a big surprise when your people reached out, Your Majesty.

I wasn't doing anything else, so I thought, 'What the hell?'

(LAUGHTER)

I hear you have a big secret announcement for us.

You may have noticed that my signature sideburns are gone.

It's because my hair's been falling out.

Male pattern baldness.

Comes hand in hand with er, erectile dysfunction.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes, I have that, too.

Because I had a testicle removed.

You see, I have cancer.

(GASPS)

And it appears to be winning.

Why now? Why tell the world like this, tonight?

Because there are people in the palace who think they can manipulate me with this information.

So I'd rather share it with the world than a precious few.

Takes their power away.

Are you hoping they'll feel more sentimental towards you and your reign?

Dear God, I hope not.

Most of my family are treacherous assholes.

(MURMURING FROM AUDIENCE)

They hide behind fake smiles and loud charity, like a bunch of Hollywood actresses.

Well, the truth is they don't care about you.

They care about their image.

That and their billion-dollar empire.

The only true good person in that entire palace... was Violet.

And now she's gone, too.

So you can say what you want about me, and think what you'd like, but at least I'm honest with you.

Remember that when I'm gone.

Should be any day now.

(BIRDS CRY)

Ah, Wilhelmina.

Your Majesty.

Do you prefer Wilhelmina or Willow?

Willow is fine.

Willow, good.

I prefer Your Majesty. Walk with me.

I'm compelled by your understanding of social media.

How you manipulated a nation with hashtag 'King Liam.'

I merely planted the seed, Your Majesty.

Well, the seeds have blossomed nicely.

I'd like to hire you.

To do what, exactly?

Whatever it is you did and however it is you did it.

We're an archaic institution.

Liam's reign is going to need fresh ideas.

Liam's reign?

I'm going to prove that Liam is the legitimate heir to the throne.

And when I do, I want to make sure that the world insists that he become king.

Will you help me advance that message?

If I thought I could trust you, I would do this.

For Liam, because I do believe in him.

Then I guess you're hired, because you can trust me.

At least in regards to this.

And, Willow, the information about proving Liam's paternity, let's keep that off the face page for a bit, shall we?

(EXHALES)

What?

Your eyebrows look like caterpillars.

Daddy!

I thought if I let you wander a bit, a man with sweets might trick you into his van or something.

Mr Caterpillar is taking care of me.

Jasper.

Can I go and see the princess again?

Fine. Go. Give your friend the caterpillar a rest.

Jasper.

He had a mean girlfriend named Sara once.

Now I'm his nice girlfriend.

Hey. What are the rules?

No fire, no knives, and if anyone finds me, tell them I came from the womb of a jackal.

Perfect. Be careful.

Okay, I will. Bye, Jasper Caterpillar.

What are your intentions with my daughter?

Speaking of girlfriends, I understand you and the princess are getting closer?

How do you know that?

I'm the head of security.

Did you notice my new suit?

We're um, doing better.

Well, as pleased as I am for the both of you, and I am, have you considered what comes next?

The princess so much as glances at someone, it's headline news.

She holds their hand, it goes global.

If the public uncovers your relationship, the level of scrutiny would be unprecedented.

I'm not just talking about your accent.

I've got to go. I'll do what I can to help.

Hang in there, kid.

'The only true good person in that entire palace... was Violet. And now she's gone, too.'

(SIGHS)

We're doing an assessment of the public's reaction to the news of his cancer.

And the rest of it.

At this rate he's going to kill the monarchy before cancer kills him.

We need to get into that lair of his and find some DNA.

Hair or toenails or a used condom. Something!

He has his own guards stationed outside the room.

He rarely exits. Most of the time he uses his double.

Do you trust James Hill, Your Majesty?

Is he Team Helena?

Yes, I believe he is.

Then as far as I'm concerned, His Majesty just told us everything we need to secure your proof. Tonight.


There's something you'd like to tell me?

Do you have any idea how dangerous that question is for me?

Word on the street... is that you're seeing other girls.

Sara Alice?

She seems to be quite smitten with you.

Well, can you blame her?

And anyway, we never said that we were exclusive.

Is that right? A little cocky for a guy of your misdeeds.

I'll play along. You're right, we never said we were exclusive.

But you do understand that that works both ways, yes?

I understand that, yep.

Good. Good, good, good.

Good talk.

Go away. I gave at the office.

It's James Hill, Your Majesty.

Er, your new head of security?

Little small for such a big job, aren't we, Biggie Smalls?

With all due respect, Your Majesty, the last guy was taller, but killed people.

And besides, Your Majesty seems to be accomplishing great things whilst being the opposite of tall.

Sucking up as opposed to simply sucking off will get you nowhere with me, Mr Hill.

What do you want?

I need you to come to my office so we can scan your retinas.

Forget it. Bring it to me.

I'm afraid that's not possible, Your Majesty.

Well, then you won't be scanning my peepers, Hill.

I understand.

But should Your Majesty decide to leave the palace at some point in the future, including through the not-so-secret tunnels, we'll need your retinal scans on file.

I do apologize for the inconvenience.

Fine. I'll be there when it suits me.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Hello, Liam.

I don't like the sound of that.

What? I feel like I have hardly seen you lately.

I just...

Geez, what is up with you?

I'm... dealing with some stuff.

God, by letting it kick your ass?

Just... hold still.

What stuff?

I've been thinking a lot about Ted.

Okay.

He wasn't always a bad guy, you know.

He just... gave into the darkness and couldn't find his way back.

Okay, and what does that have to do with this?

I'm trying to find my way back.

Trying not to give in.

Do you want some advice? Stop getting punched in the face.

Ted had a choice to make and so do you.

He chose darkness and you won't.

Okay?

Ow...

Right, so I was thinking, how'd you like to get out of town for the day and hang out with me? The Electric Carnival is on.

Thanks, I think I'm just gonna lay low for a few days.

Come on. We'll have a dance, couple of cocktails.

Jasper could be our security detail.

Jasper?

Sure, why not?

You guys hanging out again? Non-exclusive by any chance?

Possibly. Why?

You don't want to hang out with me, you want to make Jasper jealous.

That's ridiculous.

Fine, I want to make him jealous. I do.

Jasper thinks that he can have the cow, and still drink from its teats.

Not even close.

You know what I mean.

I need to teach him a lesson so you have to come with me.

Plus, it will be fun, Liam. Come on.

That's all you had to say. Everyone's so deceitful around here.

Says the guy wearing make-up.

(SCREAMING)

(CLAMORING)

Give us some dirt, Princess. Who are you dating at the moment?

Er, no-one exclusively.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CLAMORING INCREASES)

Prince Robert, when you first landed on the island, what were your initial thoughts?

I was hoping that the rescue would be successful.

I thought if I could simply stay coherent, keep myself visible, the search party would find me.

But when that storm kicked in and lasted for as long as it did, I realized I'd be stranded for a bit.

At that point it was all about staying alive.

Day by day.

And how did you do that?

Did you have shelter or any supplies?

I had a military issue scabbard that belonged to my father, I had a single flare and a small compass.

The rest I made up on the fly.

You survived for eight months with nothing but an antique knife?

My father's knife.

(ELEANOR) Is it true you chose to stay on the island?

They say you could have come home.

That there was a boat you could have signaled.

But you didn't.

Is that true, Robby?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, that's my table.

Charlie Madden. It's a good thing we have security.

Hey, what up, Madden?

Mwah!

How are you doing, mate?

Nice to see you. How are you?

Very well.

I know you're not here solo.

God, no.

My entire crew is here. Most of them hoping to meet the princess.

And er, someone else you might know.

I didn't know you two knew each other.

We just met, actually.

And I thought you had better judgment.

(LAUGHTER)

Buy you both a free drink?

Yes, please.

Alright.

I want to meet these friends, Madden.

Patience.

Immediately.

Alright, Willow, this one's for you.

Thank you.

Madden.

You need my eyes? That's all you're getting.

Make it quick, Hill.

As you wish.

Please, sit here.

I'll prepare the scan.

We located a double that bears a striking resemblance to the king, as long as he doesn't have to speak.

Violet?

(LAUGHTER)

You understand she's just trying to make you jealous?

Yes.

And?

It's working.

Come back? Okay.

You want some advice? Let her do her thing.

I know my sister. It will completely infuriate her if you don't...

Violet? Violet!

Violet!

Yes!

Oh, my God...

OMG, this is so exciting.

Good God, where did you find this guy?

Gay strip club. Apparently he does quite well.

Hm, it's kinda tacky.

You're killing him, you realize that?

Mm. We're just having fun. He loves it.

He does not love it. But let's say you make him jealous.

Then what?

Then he'll admit that he wants to be exclusive.

That's what you want? To be exclusive?

No, I just want him to want to be exclusive.

Jasper has to admit that he wants me and only me before I can say the slightest thing about maybe possibly wanting him.

It's, like, Girl 101, dum-dum.

Mm!

Be glad your mother got out when she did, Willow.

You never have to deal with any of this madness.

Yeah, about that...

The Queen offered me a job in the palace today.

Doing what, exactly?

As best I can tell, she wants me to spend my days and nights saying nice things about you.

Tough job.

But if you think it might get in the way of our friendship, I won't take it.

We won't let that happen. I think the monarchy is lucky to have you.

And so am I.

Although you do understand what a circus my family is?

They can't be that bad.

Nothing. It's like the man's hairless cat.

Rachel, anything?

No, ma'am.

Mr Hoenigsberg?

(SIGHS) I regret to say, not a thing, Your Majesty.

(GROANS)

Would a testicle work?

Ah!

Vanity. The enemy of wisdom and common sense.

Let's go.

(CHEERING)

Hello, Jasper.

The boys I've been flirting with, they keep disappearing.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

No?

Okay, follow-up question.

This morning I had to cover my brother's cuts and bruises.

Is there anything you can tell me about that?

His Highness asked me not to.

Oh, is that right? Well, is there anything that you can tell me?

I can tell you that the weight of what happened at the King's Cup has affected him a great deal. A lot more than he thinks.

The burden of 'hashtag King Liam' makes him feel guilty, there's a girl he likes but he's trying to keep his distance, most likely to protect her, and I can tell you that he loves his sister very much.

Not very discreet, are you, Jasper?

No, I'm massively discreet.

But in this case I think you might be able to help him.

And besides, he's the brother of a girl I care about.

Well played.

(CLAMORING)

Liam, I love you!

It's constant, isn't it?

The fascination with Len and you and your family.

Living life under the microscope, perpetual scrutiny.

You must want to... step away from it all sometimes.

Sometimes.

Truth is, from the moment I was born... it's never been an option.

You do a good job with it.

It was worse for Robert.

We could hide every now and then. He was always in the spotlight.

(WOMAN WHISPERING) What do you want?

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(EXCITED SCREAMING AND YELLING)

You okay?

I am.

Just been thinking about Robby.

I've been doing that a lot lately.

He'd be proud of you, you know.

I'm not so sure that's true.

Well, it is and you know it is.

I've been asking myself if I'm a good person lately.

Because of Ted?

Because of all kinds of things.

Well, the answer is 'Yes, ' no matter what.

No matter what, okay?

Can I tell you something?

Yeah.

I want to be exclusive with Jasper.

But sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough and that my shit-show of a life isn't fair to him, so...

You understand he's a conman from Las Vegas who tried to rob you and slept with our mother?

And yet my life still seems messier.

He can handle it.

So can she.

The girl in your head.

Ever since Robby died, you have been as selfless as anyone I've ever known.

You put me first, put Mum first, Dad's legacy, all of it.

Put you first, Liam.

It's okay to be happy.

And to want someone who makes your heart race.

Your goodness? It's easy to see.

You deserve to have whatever you want or whoever you want.

I promise, okay?

Same.

Yeah...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

No Liam again tonight?

No. He asked for some time alone.

Is he going to need more make-up in the morning?

I think he's done with all that.

I hope so.

Can you unzip me, please?

Did you have fun today?

Not really, no.

Why not?

I think you know why not.

Didn't like the music?

Well, I thought it was a perfectly nice day.

Good music, nice friends.

Cute boys.

Not that it was exclusively about the cute boys, but I mean, it didn't hurt.

I think you've made your point.

What point?

Were you jealous?

You're goddamn right I was jealous.

I just spent the last 12 hours watching a bunch of douchebags hit on my...

I want to be with you.

You know I do, but I can never be sanctioned.

We can never have days like we had today together.

They'll find out about my past. That's okay, I've done what I've done but they'll hold it against you and that's not okay.

I couldn't do that to you. I never would.

Come with me.

600 years ago there was a royal.

A young queen, actually.

And she fell for her bodyguard. Imagine that.

Were they exclusive?

Watch it.

They started this epic, earth-shattering love affair.

Quietly, secretly.

Quite scandalous, but it didn't matter to them.

And they would write the most romantic, aching love letters and hide them in a hollowed-out book.

This book.

Every time I enter this library I look inside...

..for a letter of my own.

It's not fair to you to ask you to have to settle for someone you'd have to hide from the world.

Who says I'd be settling?

So what happened to this queen and her bodyguard?

They got married.

They had two sons, who both did great things.

One of them was called Jasper.

Jasper Tudor. You may have heard of them, the Tudors. It's a true story.

You take my breath away, you know that?

Of course I do.

Maybe you should try writing that down sometime.

Hi.

Hi.

I wanted to see you.

From the time I was born, I was taught not to say what I was thinking, not to listen to my heart, but tonight I want to tell the truth.

It's what I should have done the first moment I saw you.

Yeah, but you didn't.

And, yes, when you texted me, my heart skipped a beat.

But I can think of a million reasons why we can't do this.

I can think of one big reason...

My heart is a disaster.

My head's even worse and I know this isn't easy for you.

But I want you, and I know you feel it too.

Oh, Liam...

Kiss me and then tell me if I should stay or go.

Stay.

You tricked me!

Yes, I did.

What have I ever done to you?

You should pour yourself a drink, Cyrus.

My answer will take a while.

All these years I stood by you.

I conspired with you.

And look where it got you.

Your face is on our currency.

Your head wears a crown.

You were a footnote. Now you're a king.

You're welcome.

Don't be so certain about those results.

It's not like you kept your legs closed.

And even if the little bastards are Simon's, you think I'm giving up my reign without a fight?

I'm a dying man with sovereign immunity and nothing to lose.

So, you'd better watch your back...

..bitch.

Wake up. Time to go home.

I'm not asleep.

Did you have a good day at the palace?

Uh-huh. I did all kinds of things.

What did you do today, Daddy?

Do you remember when you were a little girl and you said, "Help them, Daddy"?

That's what I did today. And that's what I'll do tomorrow.

Until they can help themselves?

Until they can help themselves.

I'm doing better, Dad. I just wanted you to know.