04x06 - My News Shall Be the Fruit to That Great Feast

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Royals

I'm a political refugee.

I need asylum.

Ballistics are in from the assassination attempt.

That sh*t was never meant for the King, it was for you.

Is this Jasper's father?

I have a proposition for you.

I'm working on a story about Princess Eleanor, the relationship she's having with her bodyguard.

I have a gentleman who's more than happy to fill in all the sordid blanks.

Ciao.

Count Bellagio is my dad.

I am the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein!

Nobody understands what it's like to be royal AND beautiful.

I understand.

He's generous and kind and inspiring.

He inspires me.

I think we are all very, very lucky to have him.

I don't want to go through any more of my days without you.

Will you marry me?

WILLOW: Well, it is a bit inappropriate.

ELEANOR: No, but what is inappropriate is your having a say in this conversation.

- ROBERT: You're being a bitch.

- JASPER: Don't call her a bitch.

ROBERT: Talk about the help chiming in.

- LEN: Don't call him the help!

- The man saved your life!

- You're both disappointing.

- HELENA: Robert, walk away.

Don't tell me to walk away, I'm the g*dd*mn king!

HELENA: You're my g*dd*mn son, this is my g*dd*mn birthday.

If I tell you to walk away, you'll g*dd*mn walk away!

Right.

How did we get here, you ask?

Good question.

The dinner is in celebration of my mother's birthday.

She's probably had enough of this.

The rest is a long story, but it's a good story.

Let's back up a few hours.

Cheers.

S04E06 NY News Shall Be The Fruit to That Great Feast GRAND DUCHESS: Rise and shine, birthday girl!

No, no!

No, no, no!

Darling, do be careful!

You might break something.

You're hardly a spring chicken, you know.

Mother!

What can I do for you?

I came to wish you happy birthday.

You look a fright!

- Enter!

- Er stop!

Go back.

I can do it myself.

No, you can't.

You are the Queen.

Enter!

It's my birthday, and I'm hungover.

Back!

You too.

Walk away!

Well!

I hope you show better accountability of yourself on the balcony tonight.

I'm not doing that.

The Queen always waves to her subjects on birthday vigil night.

It's a tradition.

It's old.

Besides, there'll be a new queen next year, and she can do whatever the hell she wants.

It's a birthday party, darling, not a pity party.

Oh, and keep your chin up or the crown slips.

Besides, it helps to disguise your advanced age.

I'll see you at dinner.

Go!

Stay!. .

I need to tell myself All these pills, they just aren't helping me Hi.

I should explain.

My mother makes me crazy.

When she does, I self-medicate, often with copious amounts of champagne and sometimes with men.

Have you tried reminding her that you're the queen?

For now I am.

This can't happen again.

You're friends with my daughter.

Please tell me you're merely friends with my daughter.

Merely friends.

- She has Jasper now.

- Right, Jasper.

Sebastian?

There's a secret door.

Do you mind?

Happy birthday, Your Majesty.

You're doing just fine, in case your mother hasn't said it lately.

(EXHALES)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

It's okay, you know.

I'm so sorry.

You have nothing to be sorry for.

You proposed to me, the sweetest proposal, and I said "maybe".

Yes, I know, I was there.

I'm such a disaster.

I just didn't know what to say, it was all so sudden.

It was sudden.

It was everything I was taught not to be - tempestuous, irrational, impulsive - but it felt right, and still does.

You're always so good to me.

I could say the same.

The good thing about the word "maybe" is, there's a 50% chance of it becoming a yes.

Take some time, think about it.

- You'll wait for me?

- I'll wait for you.

My mother is having a birthday dinner tonight.

I was wondering if you'd be my date.

Maybe.

- Never mind.

- (LAUGHS)

Yes!

I'd love to.

Is that a yes to dinner or to marriage?

Dinner, for now.

Hey.

Thank you . .

for putting up with me.

I hope I have to put up with you for the rest of my life.

(expl*si*n, SHATTERING GLASS, g*nf*re)

I assume the Embassy is under att*ck.

El otro refugiado politico.

In the King's English, por favor.

We're still in London, after all.

The other political refugee, he's gaming.

He needs to show more consideration towards the King of England!

- Ex-King.

- As do you.

I'll be in my room.

I'll have three eggs, lightly poached, side of Hollandaise and a pot of Earl Grey tea!

Right.

Perhaps you might want to consider another embassy for asylum?

Who can at least chill my champagne and bring me a crystal champagne flute?

You can see if it fits in the mini-fridge, but you'd better put your name on it.

(BOOMING expl*si*n)

Did you ask your mother if she's okay with it?

It's probably better if we just show up.

I know my family.

A surprise is better than walking into a preconceived slaughter.

I get nervous just thinking about it!

I know.

It's going to be awkward for us to be in the same room as him, but this could be the night we put the past behind us for good.

Besides, it's my mum's birthday.

Everyone will be on their best behavior, I promise.

- Hi.

Ooh!

- Ooh!

Are you okay?

Let me see.

- Urgh!

- Oh!

I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to!

Are you okay?

Get away from me, you horrible person!

- No, you're making it worse!

- (LAUGHS)

Don't!

Laughing makes it worse.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yes, well.

Robby!

Hi.

I was just wanting to check on the status of Mother's birthday gift.

All taken care of.

- Good.

- Yeah.

How are you feeling, Jasper?

I'll live.

Good.

Well, I'll see you tonight.

Not quite perfecto.

Take a few more laps, would you?

Bravo, ragazzo.

You're making the staff walk around in your shoes?

The kid's breaking them in for me.

He's called a "footman".

I want you out of here: today, tonight, immediately.

Son, relax.

You seem upset, and not just about me.

What's going on?

I can read a tell with the best of them.

So talk to me.

Why?

When have you ever helped me?

Fair enough, I was a shitty father, but name one time I wasn't there for you.

Dad, I could name a thousand times.

What about my favorite, the spelling bee?

Yeah, there it is, the Earl Frost look-away.

I can read a tell too.

My third-grade spelling bee, I was in the finals, and you couldn't make it for one hour 'cause you were on a roll at some craps table, fondling a show You don't remember.

No, of course I remember.

How do you know I wasn't there?

Maybe you've been carrying a lifetime of resentment towards your father who loves you and it turns out I was there after all.

Sure.

Maybe.

But if you were there, what word did I miss?

Hm?

How did I lose, Dad, what was the word?

Get your sh*t together and go.

And until you do, stay the hell away from Eleanor.

You've already ruined one life.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Your Majesty, there are hundreds of thousands of well-wishers for your birthday online, and people are already gathering for your balcony appearance.

And I also got you a present for being so kind to me.

Thank you.

Willow, do you think I've mattered?

Your Majesty?

I've been queen longer than I haven't been.

Do you think I've made a difference?

Of course you have.

I hope so.

Your Majesty, if you could go back to before you were queen, would you do it all again?

Yes.

(MUSIC BOX PLAYS FUR ELISE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

Mm.

I must say, the James Bond look is a winner on you, Jasper.

And I must say, this Bond Girl look is doing all kinds of things for me on you, Princess.

Same place where we used to go (CLEARS THROAT)

Good evening.

Sebastian!

Hi.

Er what's up?

Robert cornered me and insisted I come.

I hope that's okay.

Oh!

Of course it's okay.

Come - Go grab a drink.

- Thanks.

It's so nice to see you.

Can I get you anything?

Frost?

Tequila.

Two, please.

It's that kind of night, is it?

Well, here we go.

It's that kind of night now!

Can you believe that Robby did that?

He's friends with Sebastian.

But he did that on purpose.

You saw the look on his face this morning in my room.

He can't stand that we're together, so he's invited Sebastian to sabotage us.

Or he's friends with Sebastian.

Do you think that my brother is not capable of sabotage?

Jimmy digs in his long dark coat No, I think he's very capable.

Yes.

Come on.

Wow!

You look enchanting.

Thank you.

Do you think we could talk before dinner tonight?

Of course! . . make sense of it They say I better seal you up in wax So that you're never gonna bite me back And I can feel it when I'm away I've got to get back tomorrow if not today - What are you doing here?

- I know.

Robert invited me, I'm sorry to ambush you like this.

Slow down, Helena!

You're not as young as you used to be.

Champagne, please!

We'll be on the balcony.

Of course!

Right away.

You miserable thieves!

My name was on the label.

Era's gone Everybody fading me, even my ma And the words get stuck on the tip of my tongue So Sebastian's here, huh?

So, why would I care?

I had nothing to do with it!

Why would you have something to do with it?

It's Robby.

He can't stand that Jasper and I are together, so he's invited Sebastian.

Well, if you really wanted to get even, I could always sleep with him.

(LAUGHS)

Sure, Mum, that's great - sleep with everyone close to me.

Mum, Len and I have a surprise for you for your birthday.

I eat ze food, they pay me and zen, I am out of here.

Happy birthday, bitch!

Can we eat?

I'm starving!

Prince Hansel!

I love you.

- This is the best birthday ever!

- Whee!

(LIAM)

Hello, Mum.

You know Kathryn?

Yes, Kathryn.

Last time I saw you, you were with Robert.

She was, but Kathryn is my date tonight.

Well, Liam, I haven't been this surprised since you pulled a g*n on me.

My God, this is better already!

Let's add alcohol and blow this sh*t up.

Gunther!

Off we go.

It seems like it's been ages since we all sat together at a table perhaps Christmas.

Some of us weren't invited.

I may lead this country, but the Queen leads me and this family with grace, style, strength and vision.

Happy birthday, Mum.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't happen to lead a country Here we go!

. . but what I am very good at is accepting people's relationships, so here's to that.

What's going on, did somebody die?

Probably not the best question to ask around her, Mother.

Kathryn used to date Robert.

Oh!

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but you absolutely cannot date your brother's ex.

- It's poor form.

- So is k*lling people.

HELENA: Well, I for one am thrilled to have Prince Hansel with us here tonight.

I would like to hear more about that k*lling people comment, but first, I want to know what it is like to be an American bad boy sleeping with a princess!

I've read all about it.

Who drugged who to make zat happen?

- He drugged me, actually.

- Ooh-hoo!

Like Grandma drugged that horse.

At least I don't sleep with the help, like everybody else around here.

ELEANOR: Because you're such a great judge of character, Gran.

- I'd like to make a toast.

- No.

I mean, this man barely knows this family.

Young man, Count Bellagio is royalty.

- What does your father do?

- (SOFTLY)

You, apparently.

If you want to make jokes at my expense under your breath, I won't have it, it's disrespectful.

I am the matriarch of this family.

No, Gran, you're not, Mum is, and it's her birthday, so how about for once in your life, be happy for her and don't make it about you?

- Len!

- Don't you start with me.

HELENA: Let's all just enjoy the evening, shall we?

GRAND DUCHESS: No, I will not.

I'm going to my room.

Mum's room, actually.

Good night!

Count Bellagio, wouldn't you like to escort the Grand Duchess to her room?

In my short time, I've learned to give the Duchess her space.

Besides, I wouldn't want to miss this wonderful evening.

I am with him.

Tell me more about this one and the two brothers.

It is the most forbidden of the loves.

Well, nearly the most forbidden.

(BELL TINKLES)

Oh, saved by the bell!

Dinner is served.

(DING)

(SIGHS)

Do you have any children, Count Bellagio?

I have a son, a beautiful boy.

HELENA: And what does your son do?

Mostly, he hates his father.

I was not the father I should have been to him.

I have so many regrets.

What kind of regrets?

There was a spelling bee when he was a boy.

He was in the finals.

I stood in the shadows, way in the back, because this was his moment, his time to shine, and because I did not want the others to see me, his father, the Count, the playboy, the fool.

Did he win, was he the best bee?

No.

I can't recall the word he misspelled, but it didn't matter, I knew, that moment, that he would rise above his father's failings.

And he has.

Unanswerable.

That was the word - "unanswerable".

But I was so proud of him.

I love him very much.

I think I will check on the Duchess.

Have a wonderful evening.

- Good night.

- ALL: Good night.

Urgh, old people are ze worst!

A man has regrets.

I understand that feeling.

Some of you still have time to avoid those regrets.

For the record, I have no issue with Liam and Kathryn.

You do take issue with me and Jasper.

- That's not true.

- You invited Sebastian to be the chicken in the fox house.

Nice try, babe.

Otherwise why invite him?

No offence, Sebastian.

- None taken.

- He's my friend and yours.

But it's Mum's birthday.

You invited Kathryn, I'm the one explaining myself?

I thought you didn't have a problem with it?

It is a bit inappropriate.

LEN: No.

What's inappropriate is you having a say in this conversation.

Len, enough.

You're being a bitch.

Don't call her a bitch.

Talk about the help chiming in.

- Don't call him the help!

- The man saved your life.

You have both been disappointing.

Robert, walk away!

Don't tell me to walk away!

I'm the g*dd*mn king.

You're my g*dd*mn son and this is my g*dd*mn birthday, so if I tell you to walk away, you'll g*dd*mn walk away!

LIAM: So now you're caught up.

Fairly stunning how far that wine travelled, but not as stunning as what happens next, trust me.

Willow and I are getting married.

Happy birthday, Mother.

God save the Queen.

(PHONE CHIMING)

So how's the birthday girl?

The birthday girl is dreading her balcony appearance, fielding angry and abusive texts from her mother.

So would you say she's making you crazy?

My room, end of the evening.

Happy birthday to me.

I thought that went well.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I'm the one that's sorry!

I shouldn't have blurted out our plans during my mother's angry birthday joust.

You've seen the worst of my family, but you and I will represent the best of it.

Come on, I know how much you love birthday cake.

Did your grandmother really k*ll someone?

Not intentionally.

It's a long story.

Now you know why we never had any family dinners.

You know, just because you were at the spelling bee, it doesn't excuse the rest of it.

Of course it doesn't.

But I wouldn't have been ashamed of you.

Thank you, son, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

Let's be honest - if not having your old man at your grade school spelling bee framed your life, you probably wouldn't have gone far anyway, but you have.

And I meant what I said . . I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Dad.

You know, you're right, by the way.

I uh . . there is um . . something that I've been dealing with.

Well, talk to me!

The b*llet that I took for the King wasn't meant for him, it was meant for me.

You sure about this?

Yeah.

I think King Robert tried to have me k*lled.

Nah!

He definitely doesn't like you, but he didn't try and k*ll you.

I know, but how can you be sure?

Because I'm the one who sh*t you.

Wait, what?

I sh*t you, kid.

I mean, you called me at Christmas and said I ruined your life and you never wanted to speak to me again, so I felt bad and I wanted to fix things.

- So you sh*t me?

- Yeah.

Somehow that was supposed to make it all better?

You tell me.

You became a national hero, got out from under your past and you got your princess back.

Ho-Ho!

This might be my greatest con yet.

You could have k*lled me!

The b*llet missed my heart by an inch!

I meant to miss by two inches but I left my glasses in the car.

- And?

- It was five flights down!

You think those buildings have working elevators?

You're fine, never been better.

Come on, give your old man a hug, huh?

Father of the Year, this one.

Father of the (SILENCED)

. . year.

Hey, son!

Language!

You're welcome!

- (EVERYONE CHEERS)

- Speech, Mum!

Well, as it always is with this family, it's been an interesting evening.

Like most families, we have our moments, but through it all, we stick together, we support each other, we forgive each other and we love each other.

Willow!

Welcome to the family, for better or worse.

- To Willow.

- EVERYONE: To Willow.

Right, would anyone else like to say anything?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I would, if I may.

It's been a long time since I've said I'm sorry, but I am.

It's been a long time since I've said I'm proud of my brother and sister, but of course I am.

And it's been a long time since I've been the person I want to be, the person I expect to be.

I love my family, and I'm sorry I took that for granted.

Someone told me recently that if you're strong enough to destroy something, you're strong enough to repair it.

Well, I plan to repair what I've destroyed, because you all deserve better.

You all deserve my best.

Congratulations to Robert and Willow.

And happy birthday, Mum.

I hope all your wishes come true.

They already have.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

(EVERYONE)

Cheers.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Must be karma.

- And who are you?

- Aston Lange.

Sound familiar?

- No.

Should it?

- Yes.

- Good champagne, by the way.

- That was mine!

This embassy was mine until you showed up and ruined it, not to mention, my life.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I was once a respected government watchdog who had to abandon his life and seek asylum when Simon's hateful, hurtful brother Cyrus became King and started incarcerating anyone who didn't agree with him.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Thank you!

What a night, huh?

It was actually kind of fun.

You have a twisted sense of humour.

You have to, in this place.

I just meant that, we finally got to be together, and you were right, we dealt with all the awkwardness and now it's done.

I like you, you know that?

I like you too.

Let's do this again soon.

Next time, just us.

I know my way out.

Kathryn?

GRACIE AND RACHEL: Don't Know Who do you think you are?

Telling us what to say Kathryn?

I owe you an apology for what I said last time I saw you.

What I did, it was unforgiveable.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted you to know that.

Thank you.

Shall I see you out?

No, I know the way, from the charity Of course.

Kate?

I'm glad you came tonight.

Yeah, me too.

I feel a bit shabby, sneaking around.

I'm sorry I put you in that position.

You put me in several positions.

True, but I'm only sorry for this one.

Even though you'd be a discreet, reliable, considerate, sympathetic and ridiculously attractive option, I can't take the risk.

I understand.

I'll go.

Then again, it is my birthday.

Yes, it is.

- We'll stop this tomorrow.

- Absolutely.

(SIGHS)

I thought I might find you here.

I mean, this is just so necessary, after tonight.

I agree.

It was nice, what you said tonight.

I miss that version of you, Liam.

Well, I missed us.

Whoever you are, I'm never more than three steps away from a panic button.

Why?

Are you panicked?

Have a seat, kid.

You seem to have lost your Italian accent, Count Bellagio.

Apologies.

I get all American when I drink.

Nice Scotch, by the way.

To my son and your sister.

Jasper Frost's father.

Makes sense - cheap suits, wobbly accents.

Royal women.

What do you want?

You called me at Christmas and offered me a deal, and I took it.

You benefited nicely.

I gave you a story about your son and the Princess and you sold it for a great sum, end of transaction.

Or don't you people believe in honour amongst thieves?

We believe in negotiating, just as you do.

Your problem with my son isn't that his father is a con man.

A low-rent con man.

A low-rent con man sitting on the King's chair, drinking his Scotch.

Your problem with my son is that he's common.

How about we fix that?

Otherwise I'm sure the lovely Ms.

Day would be thrilled to run an exclusive on the jealous King and his duplicitous and reprehensible actions towards the Princess and the very popular bodyguard who saved his life.

The people do love them some Jaspenor.

Do you think I can't control the press?

No, I don't.

You can't con a con man, kid . .

I mean, a low-rent con man with a knight for a son.

Get out of my chair.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, and kid, say goodbye to the Grand Duchess for me.

There's something to be said for experience now, isn't there?

I do love this Scotch.

Helena!

What on earth are you doing now?

Perfecting a magic trick?

Oh, God!

Really!

Ridiculous!

Aha!

I see.

Hello?

Thank you.

There we go.

Ta-da!

So I came to tell you that I'm leaving, Helena.

Count Bellagio and I have parted ways.

Oh, Mummy!

- I'm so sorry!

- Oh Darling, don't be.

To be honest, that man was no more a count than I'm a Las Vegas showgirl.

But oh, my God, the sex!

Happy birthday, Helena.

I'm proud of you, and you'll always be my queen, no matter what anybody says.

And please, give me the balcony wave.

I don't ask for much.

Hi.

Hi!

Are you stoned?

I am, yeah.

Well, it's probably good that you are, to hear this.

I thought Robert had me sh*t, but he didn't.

Hm?

My father sh*t me.

Why?

He said he thought it would bring us back together.

Unless it k*lled you.

He said he thought about that but considered it low-risk.

Right.

I'm so sorry, I thought it was Robert.

Well I mean, anything's possible around here, isn't it?

I have a confession.

I've been sneaking out and giving things away.

I'm the Robin Hood.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell you because you would worry and you have enough things to worry about.

Yeah, but I'm always going to worry about you because I love you.

I love you!

I like your father, I do.

I think he's a very, very smart man.

- The man sh*t me.

- Yeah, I know.

But the man gave us this.

Yeah, I like my father too.

Yes!

Frost, I'm making you a knight.

I can't have my sister publicly attached to a commoner.

There'll be a small ceremony.

None of your family are invited.

You're welcome.

Robby?

Jasper and I are very happy for you and Willow.

And you are very happy for us.

MICHAEL KIWANUKA: Love & Hate Calling for my demons now to let me go I need something, give me something wonderful Hell of a day, babe.

I'll bet.

So much for palace security.

I made it a point to get to know the guards my last few visits.

They like me.

I'm going to exhaust every last shred of benevolence I have and kindly ask you to leave.

Like I said, it's been a hell of a day, Cassandra.

I thought we had a connection, you and I.

Was it something I said?

No.

Then was it something Wilhelmina said?

Or something she did?

'Cause I can assure you, whatever it was, I can do it much better and much longer and much more often.

I asked you politely, now I'm telling you to go.

How did you know it was Willow?

I see things.

You'd be surprised at what I know.

Impress me.

Don't you mean, impress you more?

Okay.

The bodyguard dating your sister, you don't care for him at all, and there's a strange distance between you and your brother, over a girl, perhaps.

So far so good?

Good, 'cause here's my favourite one.

Your precious Willow, Miss Sweet and Innocent, you think you're playing with her heart but she's playing with yours.

Maybe she's the one who came between you and your brother, I can't tell yet.

But one thing I know with complete clarity, she doesn't love you.

She might love him.

- Oh, there's one more thing.

- What's that?

Some night soon, you're going to wake up and want me, you're going to need me, and when you do, you'll call.

This may be the most obvious thing of all.

I'll see you soon, my darling.

I don't want to do it.

It's hard, isn't it?

Some days it is.

The world loves the noise, you know.

I don't understand it, but the gods they pray to are spectacle and drama and men on fire.

Maybe it's always been that way.

For you and me, it's hard.

We give them a good show, now we can never really be ourselves.

Thank you.

You're their queen, their mother.

You always will be.

So give them what they want and hide a little bit for yourself.

Happy birthday, Mum.

Pay me and bow, b*tches.

This party is over!

Gunther!

(CHEERING)