02x03 - I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory

[bunniefuu]

Twenty pounds. Are you f*cking serious?

Do you know how many tomatoes that is?

No, I'm not saying that. No, I didn't f*cking say that.

What I'm saying is, you didn't tell us that.

Now I've got some sh*t growing here and I can't f*cking grow that many tomatoes with what I got. This is f*cked.

This has got to be the best idea I've ever had.

Think about it. Dope goes for a way more awesomer price in jail.

Supply and command. I mean, if you're in jail, you're lucky to get stoned once a week and when you do, the dope sucks.

I don't see anything wrong with having dope in jail.

If there's dope in jail, we may as well be supplying it.

The thing that worries me right off the bat is that their "hydroponic vegetable garden" was just supposed to be a small operation. Now the prison guards are phoning every day looking for more and more dope.

Who can go f*ck who's self? No, no.

You should've been upfront with me and told me--

Yo. Yeah, what's up?

He wants twenty pounds!

Ricky! Sorry about that, man.

Alright, yeah, everything's on schedule here, alright?

Alright, talk to you later.

Great.

Listen, Rick, this is big, alright?

They're selling the dope to ten other prisons across Canada.

They want it all upfront, one sh*t, one deal.

If we can't do this, they're gonna find someone else to take this contract.

We gotta do this, man.

Julian gets an order for twice as much more dope and he thinks he can just wave some money around and the magical fairy grandmother of dope is gonna come and give us twice as much dope. That's not going to happen.

How are we gonna get the equipment? I can't even afford cigarettes or pepperoni. Same clothes for three f*cking years.

I know, I know.

Ricky's brain doesn't work like other people's.

Ricky can handle one thought at a time.

You throw two or three at him, he's gonna f*cking train wreck.

[music]

I've got a plan, alright?

Go get Cory, Trevor and Sarah. Meet me back at Ray's house in a half hour.

Alright, buddy. And don't worry, I'll fill the whole trailer full of dope if you can get the equipment.

That's what I want to hear.'

Positive thinking. Okay, half hour, Ricky. Let's go.

I don't know who's telling you that Julian is the brains of the operation, but we're both the brains of the operation.

He's smart, I'm smart. We're smart in different ways, I guess.

Like I'm smart playing hockey and doing things like growing dope and that, and he's smarter when it comes to clear thinking and explaining things to people. That's why we're a good team.

'Cause I'm good at the hands-on, applicatory stuff and he explains things in a clear kind of way and...

When he thinks, when he talks-- For f*ck's sakes, I'm having trouble talking to you, but I am smart.

Dad! Dad!

Trina. What are you doing here?

Well, Mum said I could stay for a bit.

That's right. I've been thinking, if Trina's with you, you might get your act together.

Well, that's a great idea.

Randy.

Barbara.

Hey, Trina, honey, come say bye-bye. I'll see you later.

Love you.

Love you too, darling. Be good.

Mr. Lahey's daughter Trina came today.

She comes every summer to stay with him.

f*ck, this f*cking car.

Relax, Ricky.

Put the car in park or neutral, Rick.

It's in drive.

Ricky, it's in drive.

f*ck off!

I know how to work this f*cking thing.

f*cking piece of sh*t!

Who is that?

Those are two of the biggest losers you'll ever meet.

Trina, I don't want you to have anything to do with them.

Dad, chill.

Alright, here's the plan. We're gonna open up a little nightclub here in the trailer park.

J-Roc, tell 'em where we are gonna set up this bar, man.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

My homeboy Tom gonna open up a trailer park nightclub and casino all up in my trailer, you know what I'm saying?

My mum's up in Moncton for two weeks.

We talking about throwin' it down a little school pimp tight.

Well, they could've picked a better day to open a bar in the trailer park.

Lahey just promoted Randy to weekend park supervisor, so he's all gung-ho to impress Lahey that he can keep control of the park.

Yeah, Mr. Lahey and Randy are gonna freak out.

No, they're not. That's why we're gonna go to the little barbecue today and show them a good time. I've got it figured out.

What the f*ck are you talking about? We're not going to their stupid little party.

We're gonna go to this barbecue.

You gotta keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

You got it, man? Do you understand?

Everybody got invited to the party except us.

Which is fine by me anyway, because I don't play that sh*t and I don't think Randy's that cool and his head got bigger than his gut since he got promoted to weekend supervisor.

Okay, I got a plan for you two guys. You're gonna do a little B&E for me.

Trevor and Cory are stupid as f*ck. I've met cats and dogs smarter than Trevor and Cory.

Most cats and dogs are smarter than Trevor and Cory.

But Julian should've known better than to send f*cking Cory and Trevor.

Those two are f*cking dumb.

You f*cking steal a van, you go to a self-storage place, you steal some lights and equipment. We got Lahey and them kept busy.

How f*cking hard can that be?

I don't know, I don't want to be all sentimental and gooey and stuff, but I love them guys, man. And I think they sincerely love us too.

Julian was right. If any sh*t goes down, Trevor and Cory will be the ones taking the heat.

That's why we usually work with Trevor and Cory, 'cause they go to jail instead of us. Which is perfect.

Ah! Jeez. Friggin' grease.

Okay, everybody. I think we're all here.

I'd like to take this opportunity to propose a toast to the birthday boy.

Randy has given us so many years of his life.

Here's to many more. [crowd cheering]

Put her here, buddy.

Congratulations on your promotion to weekend trailer-park supervisor.

Really happy for you, Randy. It's a great job.

And you deserve it, buddy. Way to go.

Well, you guys don't care.

I mean, what are you doing here anyway?

We do our thing, they do theirs. They distract Randy and Lahey while we get the sh*t. Easy as that.

I thought you knew how to do this?

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Got it, got it, got it.

Yes!

[alarm sounds]

Holy f*ck!

Pop the hood, Cory.

See, Cory, green wire. I told you. The green wire.

It's gotta be here somewhere, Cory.

What was the street we were looking for?

sh*t, I don't f*cking know. He just said it was a blue warehouse and sh*t and there's, like, eight of them over there, dude.

We can't f*ck this up, Cory.

sh*t... what was I just talking about?

What?

Hey, dude.

What the f*ck are you guys doing here?

There's like 20 warehouses. We don't know what we're doing.

No, there's only two. What street were you on?

It's Dutt Street, how f*cking hard is it to remember that?

Shut up.

You guys are so f*cking stupid.

I swear, there's, like, eight warehouses...

Lahey's watching us here. Ricky, take these two, get that van out of here quick and get this the f*ck done.

I'm not going with these f*cking dicks.

Yes, you are. Come here for a minute.

I'm putting you in charge, okay?

You're gonna take that van, you're gonna go to the warehouse with these two dicks over here. You're going to break in and you're gonna wait in the van.

B&Es, that's grade-nine sh*t.

Ricky, listen, man. This is easy.

If anything happens, these two dicks are gonna take the heat.

Think about it. Look, man, here, take that.

And you be careful with that, okay? Alright?

This is ridiculous, dude.

We got everything.

Julian's gonna be pumped, man.

Stereo stuff, and we haven't screwed up once.

All we gotta do now is dust for prints.

Yeah, dude. [alarm sounds]

sh*t. That's f*cking load.

For f*ck's sakes!

Holy f*ck, there's a dog.

sh*t!

Where the f*ck are you guys?

Where the f*ck are you at? You f*cking idiots!

Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

g*dd*mn it.

Where the f*ck are you dicks?

I got it, I got it. I got her!

[screaming]

[g*nsh*t]

Oh, f*ck! I'm f*cking sh*t!

Just a second, you dicks! My f*cking foot is k*lling me.

You idiots.

Okay, dude, we're going to the hospital right now.

f*ck. You had to f*ck around, didn't you?

We're going to the hospital dude!

We're not, you idiot! Just think about cops, you f*cking ret*rd!

Look at my foot!

It's a flesh wound.

Ricky sh*t himself. Like, he sh*t himself.

And then he's yelling at us, man. That's ridiculous, dude.

He's all yelling at us. We didn't even do anything, man.

It's his fault.

It's his g*n.

What did we get for it? [both]: Bullshit.

Stupid idiots.

Who's got the keys?

Trevor, take off your f*cking shirt. I gotta wrap something on this.

I'm not giving you my f*cking shirt! Let go of me!

Give me your f*cking shirt, you f*cking idiot.

I can't drive.

For f*ck's sake.

Cory, get us the f*ck out of here.

I don't have the keys!

We gotta walk. Get your sh*t. We gotta walk.

f*cking dummies. I'm sick of this sh*t.

We don't do these things for ourselves. We did it for him.

And then we got played. And that's disrespectful, man.

And it's cold. And he's hard on Trevor too, man.

And I don't play that. I'm not playing that sh*t anymore.

Thanks, man.

Sorry about this, dude. We were totally baked.

You were baked? You smoked a joint without me?

My hand's taped in there, you f*cking idiot.

Well, you wanted me to f*cking tape it, didn't you?

[rap music]

What happened to you?

I got sh*t.

You got sh*t? Who sh*t you?

It doesn't matter who sh*t me.

Those guys are idiots.

Ricky, it's sh*t like this that's gonna land our asses back in jail, you idiot.

No sh*t. The f*cking idiots set off the alarm, and the f*cking dog att*cked me.

No swearing. Little girl.

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Not now, okay? Please.

Julian, she's just a little girl.

I'm doing business here, Ricky.

Oh!

Shut up, you dicks. Get out of here. Frig off.

Are you okay, Trina?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Here, let me get that for you.

Thanks.

Chain came off.

I understand why Julian doesn't trust her. She is Lahey's daughter.

And we are opening up an illegal nightclub in the trailer park.

Which I don't think is a big deal but according to the police it is and according to Lahey, it is. And we are on probation and stuff so...

You're not as bad as my Dad says.

Yeah, well your Dad's a bit of an idiot.

Somehow Trina turned out pretty normal, considering how f*cked up her father is. And I feel bad for her. And that's why I try to be a bit of a role model for Trina and the other kids around the park. If I'd had a role model when I was younger, learning how to grow dope, things would've been a lot smoother.

'Cause now, if some kid wants to grow dope they can come and talk to me.

Instead of growing dope six or seven times through denial and error, they're gonna get it right the first time and have some good dope.

Well, not just that. I can show them how to fix cars, play hockey or cutting grass, different things like that, that you're not going to learn from a f*cked up father like Lahey.

I owe you one.

Actually, if you don't mind, you could take those bottles back to the store and get me two bags of chicken chips and the rest in pepperoni.

That'd be cool.

Okay.

And don't tell your dad about that, either.

No, he's having his alone time with Randy.

Thanks.

Thank you, Trina.

Chicken chips. Don't forget.

Pepperoni.

Alright, guys. Let's get this sh*t set up. We're opening tonight.

Tonight? What you talking about?

A'ight, you guys, let's go. Rockpile, get the turntable set up.

Bags of ice, bottles of liquor.

[music]

Oh, yeah.

Welcome, y'all, to the dopest, flyest sh*t in the nation, you know what I'm saying? Y'all wanted a licensed bar on your trailer park, now J-Roc and the Rockpile is proud to present our licensed crib.

You know what I'm saying? Open for business.

My boys down front, throwing the sh*t down.

Come one, come all. We're talking about busting the sh*t out.

Come on, we open.

I was shocked. I mean, it was open tonight.

I expected a few people to come in, but it was packed.

I couldn't believe how many people showed up.

So, I don't know where Trevor and Cory took all those flyers, but a lot of people showed up and it was a high-class crowd.

A'ight, J-Roc's on the mic tonight.

Let me see your hands up, we doin' it right. Hands up.

Throw your hands up. Throw your hands up. Oh, yeah!

Throw your hands up. Throw your hands up.

Throw your hands up. Oh, yeah!

It's all about ladies, dude.

It really is.

All about ladies, man. It is. It's so cool.

And the best part is, with us getting everything and all the gear, we're kind of responsible for the whole bar happening.

So it's kind of like our bar.

It's pretty much--

We're gonna be, like, VIPs.

[music]

I think Julian was the first one to notice, but I knew something... something weird was up.

It was all guys there.

Nice clothes, nice cologne on, you know... what I'm saying?

Sarah was the only girl there. I noticed that right away. [music]

Guys, guys, let me talk to you for a minute.

Just curious. Uh, where'd you hand out those flyers I gave you about the bar?

This new bar, it just opened up.

Yeah, dude. It was dope.

We were dancing and sh*t. We had a great time, man.

What was the name of it?

Uh, it was the "Empty Closet."

Empty Closet?

You guys don't have a clue, do ya?

What?

Well, that makes sense.

It was just good. It was mostly guys and stuff.

They were asking for Madonna and different kinds of music like that, which was cool. But I didn't really think much of it.

Julian was the first to notice something was a little out of the ordinary.

So who are the ladies?

Oh, this is Chantal--

Chantal.

...and this is Kitten.

How ya doing?

My friend Julian.

Enchanté.

Nice to meet you.

These guys are great guys, by the way.

Have a good night.

Thanks, Julian. You too.

Yeah, Julian and I go way back and sh*t.

He's really cute.

Yeah, he's cool.

We stole all the stuff to open up this bar.

Is he nice?

Yeah, he's cool.

He's, like, my best friend.

I'm like his big brother, except I'm younger.

[music]

Turn that f*cking music off, now.

You best step off, Randy, with you no-shirt, lawnmowing, cheeseburger-eating prick.

I'm really sorry, everybody. Party's over.

Just f*cking Randy strolls in there like he's the head honcho of the trailer park and has to make a big impression for Lahey and shut the f*cking bar down. It's bullshit.

Gotta ask everyone to leave. Party's over.

Sorry. Gotta go, party's over.

What in the f*ck were you thinking?

Opening up a bar in a f*cking trailer in a trailer park.

You knew this was my first night in charge.

Now the cops are on the way and you're going down.

It's just a big game they play, that "Oh, Ricky and Julian are on probation so we'll call the cops, bring in the cops and make a big f*cking scene," and "Ooh, Randy's in charge of the trailer park on weekends now, so we gotta show everybody how big and f*cking tough Randy is."

It pisses me off.

You were out of line tonight, Randy. I'm not shutting this bar down.

Look, Julian, I was wondering if you could give me this one.

In front of Mr. Lahey.

It's my first night in charge and I want to make a good impression.

So what are you saying?

Close the bar down. I'll deal with the police.

You get to keep the money that you made and I get to score a victory in front of Mr. Lahey.

Come on, buddy. That way, we both win.

Alright. Just get the police out of here.

I don't wanna talk to any cops, alright?

No problem. No problem.

Thanks, Julian.

I can't go to jail. Who's gonna look after my kitties?

Please don't take me.

Guys, guys. This guy's okay.

He hasn't done anything tonight. You can let him go.

Hey, Randy. Jim.

Officer.

You boys mind telling me what the hell's going on here tonight?

I know what's going on. Officer George Green, Officer Billiard Ball, talking about going through drive-thru to get some cheeseburgers. Peace.

You watch it, Jamie.

Thanks for the quick response, guys.

I'm the weekend park supervisor here and the situation is under control.

Julian, that's it. The bar is shut down for good. Done.

Alright, Randy. You win.

I'm gonna shut down the bar, alright?

Julian made it look like Randy shut the bar down, help Randy look good in front of Lahey on his first weekend as weekend park supervisor or whatever the f*ck he is.

Listen, buddy, I gotta take off. Sarah's back at my place, alright?

Alright.

You cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.

See ya tomorrow, buddy.

Take her easy.

Hey, Ricky. They only had one bag of chicken chips at the store, so I put the rest in pepperoni.

Exactly what I would've did, Trina.

Thanks. That's awesome.

So, we're friends now?

Yeah, we're friends.

Good. Well, see ya.

Okay. [dress ripping]

Oh, sh*t.

Ricky, why don't you run in the house and get her a pair of your old track pants?

That's a good idea, Dad.

Ray, that's Ricky's pepperoni.

I bought 'em...

My dad ate my f*cking pepperoni again.

Now I got no pepperoni. I came back here 'cause I'm craving a piece of pepperoni. Open the fridge. Should have lots.

Sent Trina to the store three f*cking times to buy pepperoni today so far.

None left. So now I gotta send her back to the store to buy more pepperoni. And it's gonna have to come out of her pocket.

I hope he realizes that. He thinks he's stealing my pepperoni.

He doesn't give a f*ck. But little does he know he's taking money from a little girl now and eating her pepperoni.

These are really cool.

Yeah, I wore those the second time I was in grade seven.

Thanks.

No problem.

See ya later, buddy.

Alright.

See ya.

What happened to all my pepperoni?

I can't believe it. We made all this in two hours.

Here, J-Roc. Get me some hydro gear.

I need two pumps, everything for two more tables, 10 lights, 39 pots, and 39 dope clones.

BC bud, strain number 13.

Damn, m*therf*cker, that's some pile of sh*t, you know what I'm saying? How much dope is you m*therf*ckers growing?

Can you get if for me or what?

Damn right, dog. I'll get that sh*t for ya in 24 hours, you know what I'm saying?

Thanks, man.

Peace.

Well, what do you say Bubbles?

Go back to my place, have a couple of drinks...

f*cking right, I already got half a f*cking buzz on.

Right on.

Wanna get a pizza or some sh*t?

Let's do it, buddy.

Do you guys got any Jimmy hats?

No.

Man, that's alright.

Thanks, man, for the hook-up tonight. That's dope.

The only two ladies in the place, man. Hey!

I didn't... Did you... do anything?

I didn't do anything.

Did you do anything?

No. Unless you did. I didn't.

No. I didn't, if you did. I dunno.

But even if he did do something, I don't...

I think, technically, if the girl... did something to you and you didn't do it back, like, that's... you didn't really do anything.