02x06 - Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

[bunniefuu]

(banging sounds)

Twenty f*cking times I've been up this ladder. This is bullshit!

Pretend you're a little squirrel, Ricky.

Why don't you pretend you're someone f*cking off, Bubbles?

Hurry up, Rick.

f*cking tell me to f*ck off.

Three, two, one.

Bingo.

Same time every night for the last two weeks.

Do you know what you're doing, Ricky?

I've been stealing power since f*cking Grade 7, guys.

I know what I'm f*cking doing here.

I don't know what the bastards are doing, Randy, but this is the last night we're gonna have to reset our clocks.

You mark my words.

Well, except for spring ahead and fall back.

Right, Mr. Lahey?

Right, Randy.

f*ck, I'm on fire, boys!

Good job! Transformer zero, Ricky one.

I guess the guards are going to smuggle our hash into prison inside of pens, Rick. Pretty cool, eh?

You can get four grams of hash into each pen.

Smell that.

Did you smell it yet? What's your problem?

Take a look at my f*cking clothes, Julian.

That's what my problem is.

I gotta go to school looking like this.

It's pretty f*cked up.

I'm just sick of this! This is one of the only shirts I have, cause in case you forgot, I've got no f*cking money!

Ricky, you don't get it, do you? Listen! We sell the dope, you'll be able to buy a thousand f*cking shirts!

In the meantime, I look like a f*cking idiot!

Tape it up or something.

This is f*cked.

It's not ripped that bad.

I'm sick of this.

All I ask for is a five-dollar shirt or something.

Just something to put on my f*cking body!

I gotta go see Bubbles.

I'll talk to you in a little while, alright?

Hey, Trina.

Hey, Ricky. What's pumping?

Not too much, Trina.

What's the matter?

I just don't feel too good about myself right now.

My clothes are all shitty and I'm living in a car, growing dope and I don't have my Grade 10 yet. And I feel stupid.

I just wish I could be smart like everybody else for a change.

Ricky, what's the capital of British Columbia?

Victoriaville.

What's the capital of Nova Scotia?

Oh, that's easy. It's Halifax.

You see, Ricky? You're gonna get your Grade 10.

You'll be just as smart as everyone else.

Can you put that on the rip on my back?

Do you really think so, Trina?

Yeah, I do.

Ricky, you're smart.

Whoever did this is really stupid.

You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?

We sure do.

Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

You're not crazy, I see it all the time.

Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in their power bills.

Bingo.

Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

Like sh*t and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

How many times have I told her to stay away from those reprobates?

I wouldn't worry about it, Mr. Lahey.

She's just at the age where, you know, kids like to rebel.

That's what I thought about Ricky and Julian 20 years ago.

They turned out like sh*t.

Exactly.

f*ck!

Where did I go wrong, Randy?

Where did I go wrong?

For f*ck's sakes!

Hey!

Can I help you guys with something?

You wouldn't know somebody in the park who might be, uh, growing dope and stealing power, would you?

Somebody whose name might rhyme with Ricky?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Why don't you go talk to Cory and Trevor?

Good day, gentlemen.

Holy f*ck, I think he's on to you, Julian.

You and Ricky are going to wind up back in jail.

No, they can't do sh*t, Bubbles.

I'm 20 steps ahead of Lahey and the cops at all times.

Remember that. Don't worry about it, buddy.

Alright, whatever you say.

What's up, Trina?

Hi. May I have, uh, a dollar sixty's worth of mild pepperoni, please?

She's talking to them, Randy.

Could you guys lend me 25 bucks till next week?

Why would I lend you any money?

Come on, guys.

I'd give you 30 bucks for the bike.

No. No, it's worth more than that.

Okay, so how about this?

You lend me the bike and I give you the 30 bucks, and when you come back and get it, you gotta give me 35 bucks.

It's a good deal, you should do it.

Yeah.

It's like a pawn.

Yeah, it's a pawn. A pawn.

Fine, whatever.

Those idiots are stealing her bike, Randy.

Trina, will you buy me a bag of chips?

I'm not buying you a bag of chips.

Please.

Stealing a little girl's bike!

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

Come on, get off that bike!

We paid for that. That's ours, dude.

Randy!

f*ck off!

It's our bike, she sold it to us!

Trina!

Get over here. Trina!

You got sweat on me, you greasy bastard.

Why don't you put a f*cking shirt on?

What's going on here?

She sold that to us, dude.

It's a legal transaction. We bought it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Would you like to make a statement, Trina?

No.

Why do Cory and Trevor have your bike? Did they thr*aten you?

No. I pawned it off to them.

I needed a little extra cash.

And stop with the cop stuff.

What's this for?

Who's the shirt for, Trina?

Yeah, whose pepperoni?

It's Ricky's.

Ricky's pepperoni?

You're grounded.

Indefinitely.

Go back to the trailer.

I warned you about hanging out with those losers.

Dad... They're not losers!

Ricky and Julian have crossed the line this time, Randy.

Making my little girl sell her bike to buy pepperoni and a shirt?!

Those idiots are going back to Con College.

Not next week, not tomorrow, today, Randy.

Let's roll.

You know what I'm gonna do, Randy?

I'm gonna tell Julian I'm calling the cops, and then I'm not gonna call 'em.

I don't get it, Mr. Lahey.

Julian thinks he's smarter than me, Randy. But he isn't.

I'm always ten steps ahead of him.

He's gonna think the cops are coming, they're gonna move the dope.

We're gonna watch where they move it, then we're gonna give the cops that address and that's gonna be on the warrant.

Did you know you're allowed to buy dope for real in Amsterdam and smoke it right in the restaurant?

Julian, Lahey's here, man!

You crossed the line this time, you m*therf*cker.

Get your f*cking hands off me, Lahey.

How dare you involve my daughter in your hemisphere of sh*t?!

Let go, Lahey.

What's wrong, Lahey?

My last good shirt. You just ripped it again, you assh*le.

Yeah? I'm just getting warmed up. Get back in the car, Randy.

Mr. Lahey, no, no. You're way out of control here.

Get back in the car, you disobedient fat bastard.

No, I won't get back in the car!

You know what? I quit!

Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Lahey!

Tu es brute.

Holy f*ck.

Relax man.

Guess what? I know about the dope in the trailer, Julian.

Newsflash: Everyone does. I just called the cops.

They're on their way with a warrant right now for 36 Willow Court.

Is that right?

Right!

Well, I happen to know it takes a couple of hours, for the cops to get a f*cking search warrant approved by a judge.

Bet you didn't call the cops yet, did ya?

Didn't think so. Why don't you get out of my face, Lahey?

Keys.

(sound of keys dropping)

Get the f*ck out of here, Randy.

Make like a tree and f*ck off.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck are we gonna do?

He called the cops. They're gonna be here any second.

Bubbles... Boys, boys, listen up.

Bubbles, chill out for a minute.

Okay, the search warrant is for this address, right?

According to fuckhead.

What if we moved all the dope?

Come on, Julian!

Let's go, Bubs!

Ricky, help me.

Just a second, Bubbles.

I'm dropping it! Come on!

Come on, Ricky! The cops're gonna be here any time now. Come on.

Forget it, boys. You're not bringing any more weed into my trailer.

Ray!

I'm not a f*cking greenhouse, boys.

Dad, it'll be here a couple of hours. Don't worry about it.

You're not 12 years old any more. I can' keep getting you--

Grab this, you've f*cking grown dope before!

Listen to me. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky.

No, no, no, listen to me. I'm trying to say something. Listen!

They don't have a search warrant for this f*cking trailer.

So remember, don't act like an idiot.

I've never been caught with this much dope before, Julian.

Just give me a little drink.

There you go, boys.

Right on, Dad.

Thanks.

What in the f*ck?

Holy sh*t. I'd swear that was Randy if that guy didn't have a shirt on.

Nice shirt, too.

What do you want?

Guys...

Let's bury the hatchet here.

I brought this so we could sit around and get drunk like we used to as kids here, at 1 Bonnyview.

1 Bonnyview?

Listen, if you think you can come over here with rum, smokes and wearing a shirt, thinking you can become buddy-buddies with us again, you're mistaken.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Julian, please.

Mr. Lahey is an assh*le.

Let me prove my allegiance to you guys.

I'm cool, I swear.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Julian, maybe we should give him a chance.

He wasn't so bad before.

We could probably get him to do some f*cked up stuff. It'd be fun.

Yeah, what the hell. I got no problem drinking his rum and smoking his smokes.

Randy, come back here for a second!

Where are the cops at?

I don't know.

I could be f*cking studying right now.

What's up, Rick?

Listen, if you go and get me some "gelapeno" chips and two dollars worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Well, sure.

Yeah, get me some f*cking gummy worms and stuff.

Gummy worms, okay. Jalapeno chips, pepperoni.

Want anything, Julian?

Anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Yeah, pick me up a bag of jalapeno chips.

Alright.

"Alapeno"? What flavor is that?

Ricky, the "j" is silent.

You're saying it wrong.

The "j" is like an "h" Ricky.

"Halapeno", not "gelapeno".

What in the f*ck are you guys talking about?

"Halapeno". That's how you pronounce it.

I know how to pronounce it. I ordered f*cking "gelapeno".

Hey, dickhead's leaving.

Go on in and f*ck something of his up, Randy.

You want to impress us, really f*ck that trailer over big time.

Right on, guys.

Careful.

Holy f*ck, he got in.

Bubbles: Holy sh*t. He's got his TV!

f*ck.

(laughing)

Right on, boys. That was awesome!

What a frigging rush.

Told you, Julian.

Do you really want to prove yourself there, Randy?

Of course I do.

Alright.

Piss in Lahey's car.

I can't.

Why not!

I, I don't have to pee.

Look, guys, I can go back to the store, get something to drink, we'll just hook up at Lahey's in a little while.

Awesome, Randy.

Alright?

We'll do it up then.

See, Julian? He's cool.

He's gonna piss in Lahey's car.

Get some more rum, too!

Holy f*ck, he's doing it.

I can't f*cking believe he's doing this.

(laughing)

That's f*cking awesome. Right on, Randy!

Smokes. Let's go, Randy.

So all the dope is in Ray's trailer?

What were you just talking about?

Nothing, Julian. We were just sh**ting sh*t here.

Don't you ever, ever talk about dope around us again. You got it?

We got nothing to do with dope.

I want all this dope out of my trailer, boy!

f*ck, Dad. Shut the f*ck up about that, I told ya!

(static noise)

What was that?

What's that?

Randy, take off your f*cking shirt.

What the hell?

Jesus, he's got a wire on!

Whoever's listening to this can f*ck off!

Take off your pants!

I'm not taking off my pants, Julian.

What the f*ck is going on?

Why do you want his pants down?

Hurry up!

This is crazy.

Come on.

These are tight pants.

What the hell is that?

See, boys?

Fake piss apparatus. Never trust a man with no shirt on.

Mr. Lahey!

Grab him, Ricky!

Get him. Get him, Ricky!

Mr. Lahey, we're busted.

The falcon's flown. I repeat, the falcon's flown.

Alright, boys! Cease and desist!

The cops are on the way to number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.

Bullshit!

What are you talking about, Lahey?

Do you know what a sh*t rope is, Julian?

It's a rope covered with sh*t that criminals try to hold on to.

You see, the sh*t kind of acts like grease.

The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian.

All the way to jail.

This is private property. Get the f*ck outta here.

Have another drink, Lahey.

Holy sh*t.

Guys, what are we gonna do now?

I'm afraid. What is a sh*t rope?

I don't know.

Meeting inside, let's go!

What's a sh*t rope?

I don't f*cking know.

Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope? ulian, we gotta burn that f*cking dope, man.

I can't go to jail. My kitties, who will look after them?

I'm burning that f*cking dope. Let's burn it.

Bubbles, don't even joke about sh*t like that. It's my dope!

Listen, listen, listen. Would you guys calm down?

Nobody's burning any dope here, we're not going back to jail.

Just let me think.

Julian!

Not right now, Trina, okay?

No, I know what's going on.

Dad was on the phone all day with the cops.

What's up? Did you hear anything?

He kept saying the address "1 Bonnyview".

Holy sh*t, that's here!

This is important. Did he say anything else?

He talked about you guys moving the dope from the Airstream and then he just kept repeating the address for the search warrant.

Son of a bitch. He was spying on us.

Now what the f*ck are we going to do?

We're gonna burn the dope!

We're not burning the f*cking dope!

Calm down!

Good job.

Come on, Rick.

Pass me the hammer.

It's right there.

f*ck.

Come on.

Let's go.

Hurry up, Rick.

(sirens wailing)

Do you really think the cops are stupid enough to fall for this, Ricky?

Yes.

Hear that sweet sound, Randy?

That's the sign of a couple of recidivist assholes packing their bags, heading back to Con College.

You drive, buddy.

Come on, Ricky. Hurry. (police car approaching)

We gotta climb the sh*t rope.

Hey, guys. Is there a problem here?

I think so.

What's going on here?

Get the drink down there.

Get your hands up on the railing where I can see them.

What the f*ck's going on?

Search warrant for 1 Bonnyview.

Brian, get that door open.

This is 3 Maple Lake Drive.

Get your hands on that!

3 Maple Lake Drive.

Don't touch me! Get your hands off me!

Brian, Brian wait!

You guys just stay quiet there for a minute.

Sorry about the misunderstanding, guys, but--

Just stay quiet.

What's going on, Officer?

Well maybe you can tell me, Jim.

Where's 1 Bonnyview?

This is 1 Bonnyview.

No, it's not.

This is 3 Maple Lake.

It's a big 3 up there.

This is 1 Bonnyview, George.

Check the street sign.

It's says Maple Lake--

You be quiet!

George, they changed the sign. They changed the number, George.

That's not true.

I can't believe you're falling for this sh*t.

Oh, we're falling for it.

We're supposed to go back to the judge, get a new warrant and say, "Oh, we got tricked"?

This has been 1 Bonnyview for 25, 30 years, George.

What are you talking about, you alcoholic?

You be quiet.

George, look at them. They're losers.

Go inside, the place is full of dope! You got probable cause!

Calm down. Geez, you smell.

George, you got probable cause here, George.

That shirtless d*ck right there is drinking and driving.

Get over there and get your hands up there!

Jesus, you're a liar, Ricky!

Ricky! Ricky! You are in big trouble!

For what?

This is fraud!

Bullshit!

This is fraud!

Yeah, you're drunk and he's drinking and driving.

Two drinks is not drinking and driving!

Oh, yeah? Do the breathalyzer, dickhead!

Get in now!

See you later, Lahey and Randy.

Sorry about the drinking and driving sh*t.

Ricky, that's enough. And I hope you realize how lucky we got.

Because we got real lucky. This is Trina's fault, cause when she's around, Lahey's around.

Get rid of her, alright?

Boys, we shouldn't be arguing.

What am I supposed to say to her?

Just tell her not to hang out with you anymore.

Alright, I'll talk to her.

Thank you.

Hey, Trina.

Come over here for a second, I gotta talk to you.

What time is it anyway? Shouldn't you be in bed?

Well, I snuck out.

Dad's drunk with Randy and... and Mum's with Sam at his place.

They don't really care what I'm doing.

Well, I do care and that's what this is all about.

Here.

I'm sorry about the sweat stains.

Randy took it and wore it.

You got this for me?

You didn't have to do that, Trina.

Hey, we're buddies, right?

Yeah...

Look...

Ever since my daughter moved away, like...

I don't know, I love being a father.

And when your daughter moves away and you gotta stop being a father, it just gets a little weird and my brain's not that good anyway.

You know, you're not always thinking about parental stuff, you're not thinking the way you should be or whatever and that's why it's been kind of nice having you around, 'cause you kind of start making me think like a dad again, my brain's working sometimes again.

And that's why I gotta ask you to stop hanging out with me.

Just maybe till I stop growing dope or whatever.

Do you understand?

I'm sorry. we can hang out, right?

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I just don't want, in case any bullshit goes down with the cops or your dad flips out of his head, cause you know, he likes to do that.

I just think it's best, alright?

Do good on your Grade 10, Ricky.

Thanks, Trina.

Thanks for the shirt. It's wicked.

Look at that.

That's some chunk of hash, Julian.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Thanks.

Hey, nice shirt.

Thanks.

Trina gave it to me.

Looks good.

Ricky, check this out.

Man, that's perfect. Good job, guys.

Ricky, do you have something you want to talk to Julian about?

Look, Julian.

I'm just wondering, now that you and Bubbles know how to make the hash, if there's any way that I can go home and study for my final exam...

I know you think school is f*cked, but I really gotta study, buddy.

Guess what, Rick. I'm really proud of you, buddy.

Go study.

Really?

Next time you see us, all this weed is gonna be turned into hash.

You guys are awesome. I'm almost sad to see it end though.

I f*cking love growing dope.

Well, just think.

In three days, we're all gonna be retired.

Put it here.

Here's to Freedom 35.