03x03 - If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm f*cked

[bunniefuu]

Daddy, wake up! Wake up, daddy, wake up! Wake up.

Oh, hey. What's going on, sweetie?

It's time to put my patch on. Hurry up daddy.

Trinity has got to quit smoking.

I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous.

She was on cigarettes last year, and they put her on the little, little patch she used to wear And I thought she was off the cigarettes.

Now apparently she's back on the cigarettes, and she's on them hard too.

She had the idea we quit together, A good father/daughter thing.

So we're gonna quit, go on the patch.

I only got one patch left, so I to give you half.

You took the last patch?!

Well, I just needed it last night. Here.

I'll give you half of it.

I want a cigarette.

I want one too, but we can't.

We promised we're gonna quit smoking together. Remember?

We can do this, can't we?

We can do it.

Let's go to the store and get some more patches.

You want to start the car up?

Yeah.

It's the gas injectors, daddy.

No, it's probably out of gas, honey.

I have to steal gas cause I'm broke.

Gas is a fortune now with all this government bullshit taxes and stuff.

It pisses me off, cause provinces like texas and calgary, it's not so bad.

It should be the same everywhere.

But the government is friggin screwed up that way.

Drives me nuts.

Ricky, what are you doing? Do you want to go back to jail?

Borrowing a little bit of gas.

You can't go back to jail for that.

Is that true, julian?

Yeah, you can't go back to jail for stealing gas.

Supreme. Can't believe lahey burns supreme.

Jail is fun, and the food and stuff is really good there, But you know, I guess it's more fun outside of jail When you can still do crazy things and get better dope And get drunk and stuff like that, So it's not that we don't like jail, But we just don't really want to go back to jail anytime soon So we decided talking to people in jail that the best thing we can do Is still break the law but do it on a lower-type-scale kind of thing.

You guys are probably wondering why we called this meeting.

We want you to shut the f*ck up and listen to julian.

Alright, guys, I'm never, ever going back to jail again, okay.

I've got a plan to make money.

I think it's perfect. We're gonna do low-risk crimes And open up some small semi-legit businesses.

You gotta do two things.

Instead of breaking the law big time for a big payday, You gotta break the law a lot but little tiny crimes And then you still make as much money and the cops won't mess with you.

And you need to set goals is the second thing, Where you want everybody to want do something. So what we're thinking, Or what julian is thinking, I don't mean to take credit for it, He wants us to go on a cruise.

Break the law, work towards that.

So you don't get people ratting you out And got something to look forward to.

When you're breaking the law, you know it's for something.

If you guys work for me, you'll get employee benefits.

You'll get paid like any other job, Except there's gonna be a higher vacation-pay deduction.

He's taking off 60% of everything, it goes into this fund, and we get on a big boat and go party.

It's gonna be wicked.

You mean one of those big cocksuckers out on the ocean?

Yeah. Awesome food, there's booze, There's ladies, I'm talking dope.

Ladies. Video games.

All inclusive.

Probably got video games, yeah, everything.

Oh boys, I hope you're not teasing me right now.

That would be cruel. Cause I wanted to go on a trip Since I don't know when. I couldn't ever afford it.

Guys, if we all work together on this, we can make this happen.

What's the first thing we need to do, julian? Sign me up.

We're gonna open up a little gas station here in the trailer park.

Ha! Let's do it.

I'd do anything to go on a cruise, julian.

There's no way this can get f*cked up.

It's gonna be just like a real gas station we're running at ricky's.

Julian's making me the gas-distribution manager, Which is the most important job there is. I can't let the boys down, I gotta work my ass off so that we can do the, uh, go on the cruise.

I've never been on a f*cking cruise before.

You gas this up yesterday?

Yeah, I put fifty bucks in her.

The gas gauge reads empty.

Siphoning.

What kind of idiots would steal gas from the trailer-park supervisor And think they could get away with it, randy?

Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container.

Diesel in the green. Okay, are we clear here, guys?

Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

What are you stupid? You f*cking taste it.

Unleaded tastes a little tangy, Supreme is kind of sour and diesel tastes pretty good.

Will you please... For godsake's, stop it.

Man, can you do something about your daughter?

Just let her hit you, corey. Stand down and listen to me.

Stop it! Stop it!

Hey, hey. Corey.

You gonna fight my daughter who's nine years old?

You're probably going to get hurt, okay.

Stand down and listen to me. Boys, don't f*ck this up.

I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it, Or I'll report you to julian And you won't be going on this cruise, okay?

Come on, that's ridiculous, dude.

Corey, shut up and leave my daughter alone, and listen.

Go to the store, get julian some rum and go siphon some gas.

I gotta take trinity to get patches.

Sure, man.

Can we take bubbles?

You bet we can.

We'll take the money from the gas station and launder it here, So you don't have any onsite.

Cool. That's a great idea.

Yeah, I know.

We'll have coupons from the salon so that you know who's cool.

Different-coloured coupons for a different amount.

If somebody gets a perm coupon, It's like twenty or forty bucks' worth of gas.

Great idea, lucy. And we'll take twenty percent.

Twenty percent. Come on, girls. Fifteen percent.

I'm not gonna go any higher.

No, julian. I said twenty.

Alright, if we're gonna do this coupon thing, twenty percent. That's fine.

Okay. Lucy and I will sell coupons all over the park.

Hi, mr. Lahey.

We're about to sail into a sh*t typhoon, randy, So we better haul in the jib before it gets covered with sh*t.

What are you doing here, mr. Lahey?

Video evidence, randy. Because video evidence doesn't lie.

In a court of law, Video evidence is tantramar to the truth.

Hi jacob.

Oh hey, trin.

How's it going? I need a box of nicotine patches.

Whoa! What are you doing? Don't sh**t me.

I went in to buy some patches and all of a sudden, My g*n was out, which is no big deal, and he freaks out, thought we were robbing the place.

Oh no, no, it's alright. We're not robbing you Or anything like that. Oh, trinity!

(g*nf*re)

(screaming)

Everything is cool. Get the f*ck back up here, jacob.

Everything is f*cking cool here.

Trinity, how many times does daddy have to tell you, You can't play with his handguns.

You shouldn't leave it laying around.

It's okay, sweetie.

We're on video camera.

So since it was on video camera, I decided, we take a bit of sh*t.

For the legal record, we were not robbing the store.

It looks like we robbed the place. Go grab some groceries, bubbles.

We're not taking anything, ricky.

It's not robbing. Instead of suing, we're gonna take a bit of sh*t.

I want a copy of the videotapes.

If the cops saw this sh*t, I'd go to jail for ten years.

If you're gonna go to jail for robbing the place you may as-- (dog barking) will you shut the f*ck up, dog?

If it looks you robbed a place, you take some sh*t.

I'm not gonna jail for robbing a place.

So we took a bit of stuff.

Are you alright, ricky?

Yup.

You said you're not supposed to smoke with the patch on.

Daddy's bigger than you so he can.

I'm having a couple cause they were free.

Ricky! Where did you get this stuff?

Don't tell me you stole it.

I didn't steal it.

They did steal it.

Oh no, julian, uh, going into a store, f*ring a g*n off, and leaving without paying for everything, that's not stealing.

Yes, it is stealing.

Trinity accidentally fired my g*n off, It looked we robbed the place, so we took a bit of stuff.

Of course, it's not a big deal.

Ricky got the surveillance tape.

He's got everything under control.

Exactly.

Nothing to worry about.

You've got to stop f*cking around, okay, please!

You keep pulling stunts like this, We're gonna be back in jail so fast ricky.

We're not going back to jail.

Julian! We got our first customer, boys.

How's it going?

We got a perm coat coupon, that's 20 regular.

And a cut and blow. We're gonna need a safety inspection, bubbles.

Safety inspection!

Get the f*ck out of my way!

Sorry about this.

Julian, he's got a cigarette lit and I'm covered in flammable liquids.

Put that out! Put it out, ricky!

Put it out!

Oh my god.

Daddy, I want a smoke!

You can't smoke with the patch on.

Give me that cigarette.

You have a patch on and you're smoking it.

I'm way bigger than you. Trinity, don't lit that cigarette.

Why not?

Julian, hold this for a second. Give me that cigarette.

How come ricky's in charge of the gas?

I'm serious, I need that cigarette.

Mummy's gonna be mad. You know what mummy will say.

Well, mummy will say, mummy will get mad at you Because you're smoking with the patch on.

Trinity, give daddy the cigarette, please.

Drop your cigarette.

Step on it.

Give me the cigarette.

No.

It's diesel, man.

Man, I'm feeling sick, dude.

Maybe we should stop doing this.

Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.

Yeah, I guess it's not that bad.

Oh, sh*t, security dude.

Oh, f*ck man.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Oh! Oh!

f*ck you.

(horns honking)

We're drawing too much attention.

We gotta shut it down for a while.

It's ricky's fault.

Listen, man, we're drawing too much attention.

Lahey could come around. J rock, tyrone, We're shutting down for a while. Move these cars out.

People are yelling at me...

Change tires and-- I paid for it!

That's a f*cking good muffler. I'm keeping that f*cking thing.

Get the f*ck going, come on.

I bet you this coupon doesn't get you a perm.

It says perm right on it there, mr. Lahey.

Randy, there's a distinct possibility That ricky and julian are operating a prostitution ring.

Is this rolling?

Rolling.

See the camera?

Can't see a thing.

Let's move.

I was thinking of more height in here.

What the hell do you want, lahey?

Well, we'll have whatever these coupons will get us.

Alright, have a seat.

Thank you.

Have you ever had one of these before?

Never.

Hey, what are you doing?

Undoing my pants, they're a little tight.

You can do them back up.

Jesus, randy.

Look, there's a lot of traffic in ricky's lot.

Ergo, they're doing something illegal.

We're gonna get them on videotape, and when we have enough evidence, We're gonna call in 9-1-1, Law enforcement, the cops, the boys in blue.

We'll have it all on tape, randy.

Right, come ahead. Alright, J rock, I'm opening up again, okay.

I want to keep everything low-key, I don't want to see a traffic jam here, alright?

Let's get this pump going. Got your coupon?

Yup, right here.

Twenty bucks, perfect.

What are you doing?

Pumping your f*cking gas, what does it look like?

With a cigarette in your mouth? You're gonna k*ll somebody, man.

Give me a level, randy.

Check one, Check two, test one, test two.

That'll do.

We've got them on multiple angles, so they're f*cked.

Rundown, randy, let's go.

Pull into the zone, contact the target.

Procure stolen merchandise.

Ensure we capture the exchange on tape, Then fall back to the designated safety area.

I'll be in the woods.

The sale goes down, I'll call in the heavies.

Are we clear?

Clear, mr. Lahey!

Hey julian, we just saw lahey and randy snooping around.

They've got a video camera hooked up to their car.

Holy sh*t.

What are you doing with this?

You have her working here?

She's not working here.

You've got my daughter working at an illegal gas station.

She's my daughter too and she's not working.

Let's get her out of here. You better not f*ck this up.

That's my squeegee.

Julian, do you think that's true?

Lahey's gonna have us on videotape selling illegal gas.

Ricky, ricky, get over here. Get over here. Alright, boys.

Everybody stay calm. There's no money onsite here, okay?

We can shut this business down at any time.

Lahey doesn't have sh*t on us.

Well apparently lahey's got all these cameras.

He's got some in his car and he's got handheld video. He's gonna catch us on tape.

So, julian's got this great idea, we throw it right back in his face.

Boys! Where in the hell were you guys?

We're sick, julian. We've been drinking f*cking gas.

We've just gotta sit down for a minute.

What the f*ck took so long?

Come on, dude.

Here's your sh*t, man.

(smashing sound)

Oh, f*cking nice one, corey. You smashed the rum.

I'm sorry, dude.

You're gonna have to get him more.

I'm all f*cked up, man. Drinking this sh*t. I think I'm dying.

You've got a customer, julian.

J rock, take care of this customer.

You guys just got gas sickness.

Drink some water and dilute it, man.

You'll be fine in six to eight days.

Ricky, you can't smoke with the patch on. You're gonna get dizzy.

I'm fine. Oh f*ck, here comes f*cking randy and his stupid f*cking cameras.

Boys.

What are we gonna do?

Stay calm and do what we rehearsed, alright?

Hey boys. What's going on?

Hey randy.

Everything's cool. I know what's going on here.

I just want some cheap stuff, just like everybody else.

Randy, you better go on with your perm coupon, Gut cassidy and the sundance cheeseburger.

What?

What are you looking at my eyes for?

I got no candy for you.

Just a second, randy. Boys.

Holy f*ck, I'm dizzy.

Don't look now.

It's the patch.

Don't look now, but lahey is in the woods with a video camera. Don't look.

f*ck, julian, what are we gonna do?

Just stay calm and stick to the plan.

He's gonna get us.

Corey, trevor.

Deal with randy. Let's go, trevor.

Get up. Take care of randy.

Okay, boys. Here's twenty dollars cash. Fill it up for me, please.

Ricky?

We don't want your money, corey and trevor.

What's wrong with you guys anyway?

We're sick from all the f*cking gas we've been stealing.

We should be better in six to eight days though.

Why corey and trevor, that's highly illegal.

You shouldn't be stealing gas, corey and trevor.

It's f*cked up to be stealing gas like corey and trevor did.

And I don't want anything to do with corey and trevor's gas stealing.

Is this the gas you were stealing right here?

What the f*ck was that all about?

Is this the gas you stole?

Is that the gas you stole?

It's what you told us to do.

Good job, guys.

I just gotta chill out For a second, guys. I'm f*cking dizzy here.

(expl*si*n)

Holy f*ck, boys!

Holy f*ck, ricky! What are you doing, mo-fucker?

(sirens)

It wasn't me! I didn't do sh*t!

(yelling and swearing)

Thank you, mr. Lahey, For your expert testimony And for providing this very illuminating tape.

Your honour, I think the video evidence Clearly speaks for itself And that any sane and rational person Would have no choice but to convict These individuals of these ridiculous crimes.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, f*ck.

Oh, objection.

That's the seventeenth time that he has sworn so far.

Richard, please?

Alright. I'm f*ck... I'm sorry about all the bullsh...

About all the stuff.

But the prosecutor is a f... He's a f...

He's an f-ing bad guy and he's pissing me off.

He can't even speak without swearing.

Your honour, this is ludicrous.

It's a disgrace to these proceedings.

Richard, since you chose to defend yourself And fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Thank you, your majesty.

And richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a bad idea.

However, you do have a right to defend yourself, So proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Look, I can't speak without swearing and I've only got my grade 10.

I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested And I'm ready to snap, so I'd like to make a request Under the people's freedom of choices and voices act That I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom.

Cause if I can't smoke and swear, I'm f*cked And so are all these guys.

I won't be able to properly express myself At a court level and that's bullshit.

It's not fair, and if you ask me, I think it's a f*cking mistrial.

This man can't represent anyone.

Your honour, he's a complete and total idiot.

Well, although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm gonna allow it, as unfortunately, It is part of your right to a fair trial.

So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival.

Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Thank you. I've just gotta get some cigarettes actually.

Let's go, smokes.

But I only got two left.

I don't care.

You've been a d*ck. It's the least you can do.

Oh, for the love of god.

Just the defendant please.

My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor To shut up and wipe that stupid grin off his face, Cause it's distractulating my case.

Next I'd like to announce that randy and lahey Have been drinking all f*cking day, They're wasted out of their minds and they're both assholes.

And the testimony they just gave was total f*cking bullshit.

I can prove it and I'm gonna show you what happened here.

Okay, boys, here's twenty dollars cash. Fill it up for me please.

Don't know what that's for. Probably prostitution.

We don't want your money.

Watch him put right, right in his pocket, right there.

Oh, man, we're sick from stealing so much gas.

But we should be better in like six to eight days.

Stealing gas! Why, corey and trevor, that's highly illegal.

You shouldn't be stealing gas, corey and trevor.

That's right, it's f*cked up to be stealing gas like corey and trevor did, and I don't want anything to do with corey and trevor's gas stealing.

We wanted nothing to do with it.

Me neither, you know what I'm saying?

Only whack suckers like corey and trevor steal gas, and deal dope.

Now, I don't want to say anything about the dope, Cause you know, I don't know anything about that.

But clearly they accepted money on film and they admitted They stole gas. And they're sick, I mean look at them.

That's gas sickness. f*cking idiots.

I've got nothing else to say, Except that the crown and lahey can go f*ck themselves.

You're not buying any of this bullshit, are you?

Sit down, sir, or you'll be in contempt of court. And watch your language.

Yeah lahey, sit the f*ck down.

Truth f*cking hurts, doesn't it, you son of a bitch.

Whatever. Defence rests, everybody else can f*ck off.

Except you. I didn't mean you.

Thank you, richard. You may be seated.

Can you guys get the f*ck out of the way, please?

Okay, well I think I've heard enough, and I'll be back shortly with my verdict.

Well you know, just because these young men Have little education and live in squalor, It doesn't entitle them to commit antisocial behaviour and get away with it.

There's two things mo-f*ckers gotta know aboutj to the r-o-c.

First of all, I spin more rhymes than a lazy susan And I'm innocent until my guilt is proven.

Peace. Representing sunnyvale, straight the f*ck up.

Be seated please.

Well, I've reached a verdict in this ridiculous case, and I do mean ridiculous.

Given richard's deconstruction of the video evidence, Clearly trevor and corey are the only ones With any hard evidence against them here.

But we were framed.

Quiet please.

You f*cked up.

Therefore, I find richard, julian, jamie and bubbles Not guilty on all counts.

(cheering)

Order please. Order please.

Trevor and corey, please stand.

I find you guilty and sentence you to 450 hours' community service.

Case closed.

Trevor and corey got a bit of community service, which sort of sucks, But it's good experience they should be doing That sort of stuff, going to jail once in a while.

We do it. Why they shouldn't be doing it?

I don't really feel bad about that.

It's their fault.

What's going on guys?

We haven't seen you in so long. What's up?

Julian, tell them why we're here.

We just wanted to say thanks for not ratting us out, and to not forget we're going on a cruise. Remember that.

We'd never rat you out julian.

Yeah, man.

Ricky, give them the stuff. Come on.

Brought you guys some smokes and a couple of joints, alright.

Oh man, thanks, dude. That's dope.

Thanks a lot.

So we're cool?

Yeah, man.

(tires squealing)