03x06 - Where the f*ck is Randy's Barbeque?

[bunniefuu]

I've been helping out at trinity's school with this junior achievers thing, Which is awesome: it helps the kids get their thinking clearer about business.

And it's f*cking great. I've been learning a lot too.

It's amazing how much of it applicates to what me and julian do.

Profit counting, supply and command, all that sh*t.

It's the same whether you're breaking the law or not as far as I'm concerned.

And not only that but they're great kids and I don't mind helping out.

Right now I'm making them some pancakes. They should be here in a few minutes.

f*ck!

Stay where you are ricky!

Get the hell out of here lahey. I don't have time for your bullshit today.

That's it mr. Lahey. That's it. Ricky frigging painted it. Get over.

What the f*ck are you talking about randy? That's not your barbeque.

I traded it for a carton of smokes you stupid idiot!

Yeah julian, jim lahey here. Yeah. Public idiot number one Has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a sh*t-icane Here julian. Ricky is a low sh*t system.

Give me the f*cking phone. Julian this is ricky, Lahey is snooping around my, oh - this f*cking thing.

Ricky, that barbeque is mine. It was a special gift to me And I'm taking the friggin thing back.

You gonna hit me with that? Huh?

I'll hit you with this thing.

Just give us the god-damned barbeque back please ricky!

Lahey, why don't you go home and have another drink.

And you. Why don't you put a f*cking shirt on. It's disgusting.

Make me ricky!

Idiot!

Ricky, stay away from me. Just give me my barbeque.

I'll put a shirt on you.

What the f*ck!

Ricky!

How do you like that, huh?

You like that randy? You f*cking assh*le!

Ricky!

[opening music]

Guys, guys. What's up with the bats?

It appears that both these gentlemen claim ownership of that barbeque.

Look, I admit, the barbeque looks a lot like randy's, but it's not his.

I got it at a yard sale and the serial numbers accidentally Got scraped off and it got repainted. It's not his.

I could prove that it's mine even without a serial number And even though it's been painted. 100%.

How are you going to do that randy?

I'll show you ricky, let's go.

Randy, forget it. He's probably ruined it anyway. Let's go.

But mr. Lahey, you know how much that barbeque means to me. It was a gift.

Randy, that's enough.

Mr. Lahey?

Randy.

It's probably corey and trevor that stole your barbeque.

It's my barbeque. Don't break it.

Don't break that randy.

Ricky, what do you think you're doing?

How many times do I have to say it - no stealing inside of the park.

There's a lot of money in barbeques. They're easy to steal And the best part is, house insurance covers it so nobody really gives a sh*t.

The cops can't be bothered.

And at the flea market, you know, you get fifty bucks a pop For them which is awesome. And if you steal and sell Four at a time, it's theft under a thousand and community service, Worst case. Bubbles is even helping out.

This here is where we repaint them, strip em down, Swap all the parts out. Can't tell where they came from then.

It's just like working on shopping carts really And I'm damn good at that. Check this baby out.

That there is called a super double bunk-be-que.

I built that myself. I'd like to see the red blue green cocksucker Put one of those together, duct-taping it.

sh*t!

I just wish I could steal more than four barbeques at a time.

You know, it pisses me off. Get this over with, pay for the cruise in no time.

But oh no, julian's afraid of getting caught and going to jail. Ridiculous.

Okay, kids. The first thing we have to do Is decide what kind of small business we want to start up.

When I was younger, we used to collect pop bottles and cans, We mowed lawns, we fixed up old shopping carts and sold them.

So, what do we want to do for a small business for you guys.

We gotta think about that.

What do you do?

I, uh, I remarket barbeques.

Daddy steals barbeques and sells them at the flea market.

Could we steal some?

Sure you could, But it's not that simple. Cause you could go to jail.

No, we can't go to jail. We've learned in school about the youth justice act.

Kids under twelve can't go to grown up jail.

So we could steal as many barbeques as you want, and no jail.

Yes, you could.

You're doing an awesome job bubbles.

I know julian and I love doing this kind of stuff.

Good afternoon gentlemen.

Oh, every time I start having fun.

Looks like industrial arts class here julian.

No actually jim, I'm fixing some barbeques for some friends.

Could you please get off my property?

Just dropped by with a word of advice julian.

Ricky stole my barbeque, julian. I want it back.

Randy, a lot of barbeques look alike.

You must be on dr*gs or confused or something like you usually are.

I don't get confused about barbeques, julian.

I know which one's mine. I can prove it.

Enough. Julian, I'm collecting paperwork And when I get enough, I can evict anyone from this park.

You, ricky, even bubbles here. And you know why?

Because you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, julian.

Like a shithawk. Like a shithawk.

Come on randy.

Julian, what's a shithawk? Some kind of a shitty bird That swoops down and puts poop onto you or something.

Bubbles, shithawks don't exist okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

No, he's just being a d*ck. Listen man, There's no way this operation is going to draw heat, okay?

I promise you that. Everything is going to be cool.

Just keep up the good work man. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time You promise me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself, With shithawks flying around. sh*t ropes coming after me, Shitty this and shitty that.

Hurry up daddy, we have to get to school.

Okay sweetie, just help with the barbeque.

Get in the car, put your seatbelts on. I'll be down in a minute.

Hey, hey, hey. What the hell do you think you're doing?

Uh, my name's trevor, I'm just here from the city.

Oh yeah, is that right?

Ah, f*ck.

What the f*ck! What the f*ck are you doing?

That's my god-damned barbeque.

How do you like that?

f*cking feels pretty f*cking good, doesn't it?

Ah. Ow. I'm gonna call the cops on you.

Go ahead. They stole the barbeque. I was trying to return it.

What are you doing man? You f*cked my jump up dude.

I warned you too many times boys. No bike ramps in sunnyvale trailer park.

Stop f*cking around, give me my sh*t. Hey!

What do you say, I buy us a couple of cheeseburgers randy. My treat.

I don't feel like cheeseburgers right now mr. Lahey.

Oh come on, randy, cheer up. It's only a barbeque.

I'll get you another one.

You don't get it do you mr. Lahey? I'm tired of living our lives like this.

I need some water trin. Go up and get some f*cking water.

Ah. Trinity please, I need water.

Sorry about this kids, I just got some stuff in my eyes here.

Thanks kid.

Mummy.

Ah, you forgot your lunch.

Oh thanks.

Is everything alright here?

Yeah, I'm the junior achievers instructor.

I'm constable erica miller.

Hi. Randy uh, lahey. Kids, I got a busy day.

[bell rings]

Trinity, math class.

Oh no.

See you next week kids.

I just got some barbeques for friends here And I'm just at the point right now to get that door put on And safety inspection and stuff, so I gotta run.

Sorry about that. Nice meeting you.

Yeah, good to meet you.

Ricky? What happened to your eyes? You look like alice cooper.

Some old cocksucker sprayed me with f*cking mace.

Sprayed with mace? Ricky, there's seven barbeques there.

Do you call that keeping a low profile?

The achievers took them under the youth justice act julian.

Nobody can do jack sh*t--

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

You mean the f*cking kids stole those barbeques?

Well, it was their idea. It's no big deal.

Oh no, it's no big deal ricky. They're just little kids.

He's right ricky.

Do you know how f*cked up that is?

No more stealing barbeques with kids okay?

That's worse than theft over a thousand.

No it's not. I think we should Take full advantage of this youth justice act man.

Steal all the f*cking barbeques we can. Twenty a day. f*ck it!

Ricky. Those laws are there to protect kids, Not to allow goofballs like you to put them in a car with no door on it And drive around the f*cking neighbourhood stealing barbeques.

Jesus randy for the love of god!

Relax mr. Lahey.

Looks like we have company.

Good afternoon gentlemen.

Good day officer.

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a mr. Lahey.

I was told he lives in this trailer.

Jim lahey, trailer park supervisor. This is my, uh--

Hi I'm randy, weekend trailer park supervisor.

Randy lahey? Are you two brothers?

No.

That's strange. I'm looking for a randy lahey, he wears track pants, Drives a 1975 new yorker passenger side door missing.

Do either of you know anyone fitting this description?

Do we ever.

Hey jimmy, what's going on man?

Hey, ray, mind your own business.

f*ck you lahey. Prick!

Could we talk about this inside?

Certainly.

Hello. What!? f*ck, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop for a second. Where? One car? Alright, thanks.

Who's that julian?

It was your dad.

There's a cop at lahey's asking questions about barbeques ricky!

What!

Oh f*ck, I don't like the sounds of that boys.

It's no big deal.

Alright, alright, alright.

Let's load up the wagon with barbeques boys.

What are we going to do with them julian?

We're going to hide them in the lake behind ray's trailer.

f*ck that julian, do you realize the bullshit I went through To get these f*cking things.

Ricky, the f*cking cops are here.

It's your fault.

It's only a few f*cking barbeques.

We're not taking any chances here rick. Come on.

Ricky!

Nice going corey.

We're going to need a rope or something bubbles?

Mr. Lahey, how long have--

How long have you been a policeman?

Woman. Eight years.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No thank you.

Where did you train?

The ontario police academy.

Mmm.

Krispie square?

No.

Oh thank you.

So we've had a lot of reports of barbeques being stolen In the glendale subdivision.

I imagine.

I have a feeling that this ricky character might be involved.

Yeah, probably. Ricky stole my barbeque this morning.

I can prove it.

Not now randy.

You see mr. Lahey, that's what I'm talking about!

Randy! Please, not now.

Anyway, maybe we should go and find ricky And ask him about this little name mix-up.

Absolutely. Lead the way.

Do you want a cucumber sandwich mr. Lahey?

[knock]

How's it going guys?

Julian, a couple of questions.

Mr. Lahey, please, I'll take care of this.

Julian is it?

Yeah, that's right.

Constable erica miller.

Nice to meet you erica.

Constable miller. So julian, where is your friend ricky?

I don't know.

You don't know.

No.

What the f*ck are you guys doing?

I figured it out ricky, if we put four water wings on each barbeque, They'll only sink about a foot and we won't get muck on to them.

Good idea bubbles.

What's the hose for?

Breathing apparatus man.

Nice!

Gotta hide the barbeques and hide from the cops at the same f*cking time.

Get these in the water, boys.

Nice!

Get 'em in, boys.

When was the last time you saw him?

Geez, rick? Uh, it's been a while. Uh, a few days.

So what you're telling me is you have no idea where your friend is.

Is that what you're trying to tell me? Is that what you're saying?

I haven't got a clue.

Yeah, right julian. Listen, this park isn't that big. Let's go find him.

Well, you're probably not going to find him, Because he's probably at, getting gr-groceries or-- getting gr-gr-groceries julian? What is he going to buy chicken fingers?

So now he's grocery shopping?

Okay julian, let's get in the car.

Hey boys, suit up. You're going in.

No way, that's ridiculous dude. I ain't getting in there.

Get the f*ck in the water boys!

f*ck that. I'm not going in.

There's leeches.

Yeah, there's snakes and sh*t man.

Oh, you're not going in? Grab corey!

[shouting]

Oh, you f*ckers.

Get to work dickweed. Ricky, listen.

Someone's coming. We gotta get in the lake.

Bubbles, there's no lurches in there is there?

Oh ricky, leeches won't hurt you. Get the f*ck in the lake.

Get these barbeques under water.

Underwater quick, cops are coming.

See look, what did I tell you. He's probably at the grocery store.

We got a 10-38 here officer. We got ricky's car, We got a trailer of barbeque parts, bubbles' go-cart.

Voila, the barbeque.

Mr. Lahey, please, that's enough. So julian, You have no idea where your friends are?

Okay boys, everybody. Out of the water, let's go.

Come on boys.

Hi ricky! I thought your name was randy lahey.

Well, lahey's my mother's maiding name.

Her, her maiding name?

Yeah.

Her maiden name.

That's what I said, and people call me randy at school. No big deal. You got a cigarette.

Hands on the barbeque. Let's go.

And while we're at it, where are the rest of them?

I don't know. There was people down here having a barbeque earlier But they took off. I don't know.

You boys are in a lot of trouble over this, So just tell me where they are now. Tell me where they are ricky.

I have no idea what you're talking about. No idea.

You have the right to retain And instruct council in private without delay.

This means that before we proceed with our investigation [both]: you may call any lawyer you wish.

Jim, please.

Yeah, f*ck off lahey.

If you are charged with an offence...

[both]: ...You may also apply to legal aid for assistance.

Do you understand?

I understand.

Thanks a lot corey and trevor. I can't believe you guys did this to me.

You f*cking framed me.

I just came down here to have a little swim. I'm not even involved.

Listen officer, I didn't say anything about this before because It's a little bit embarrassing but yes, we did steal those barbeques.

I know it's greasy but, ricky and I, we just got out of prison And we're still on probation. I don't want to be in trouble here.

Come on. That's the truth.

Actually it's not the truth.

The truth is there was a guy on the barbeques.

Listen, rick no. That's not the truth. Officer.

I've got a drinking problem, and ricky, he's got a dope problem, Them two, they've got mental problems. We're all a little bit f*cked up here But we'd never hurt anybody. Ricky and I have been trying to find a job Since we got out of jail; no one will hire us; we've been really trying hard.

It's true, I mean, you know what it's like trying to put a daughter Through school and buying books and contractor sets And everything like that and cigarettes. It's tough.

Listen, this will never happen again. You've got my word.

You've got both our words, right rick?

Oh honesty, huh? That's your new approach is it?

Come on, cut us a break on this one, please?

I'll never touch another barbeque again and I'll never break the law.

We'll never break the law.

Never!

I have your word?

You've got my word. Please, I don't want to go back to jail.

If I even see that shitmobile on the road again, or you in the driver seat Or any of you near a barbeque, there will be no warning. Do you understand?

I understand. Listen, I'm ashamed of myself officer.

And you know, I believe him. I really do.

I, I believe that he wants to change.

I think the problem is this ricky character.

So you're just giving us a warning?

Yes.

You're not buying this sh*t?

Get those barbeques out of the water.

Get them back to their rightful owners.

Thanks officer.

I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

I think julian is a really good person. I really do.

I think that, uh, he's just been influenced by ricky.

Don't f*cking shove me randy. Lahey, don't f*cking go there.

Corey, trevor, get in the vehicle. Get in the car, right now.

Ricky, that barbeque has sentimental value to me. This is the lowest julian.

You don't steal from people in the park. I want my barbeque.

Know what randy, you're totally right. You know what I'm going to do for you.

What?

Jack sh*t.

Many are called ricky.

And many can f*ck off lahey. Holy f*ck.

Ricky, that's it with barbeques. Alright, that was way too close.

What the f*ck are you talking about? I risked my life And my eyesight for those f*cking things.

That's it, okay? We're just going to stay focused on this cruise now.

Remember, let's set sail, we're not going to jail.

Well, we almost went to jail there buddy.

No we didn't.

Yes we did.

Where are you going?

I've got stuff to do. Give these guys a hand with those barbeques.

Boys, can I come out now? I think I've got a leech on to my bird.

Bubbles, it's all clear.

Apparently I'm not allowed to f*cking drive anymore.

So, trevor, front seat, let's go.

Hands off the barbeque julian.

Put your hands on the car. Let's go.

I can explain this okay.

Yeah, I thought you were finished with barbeques julian.

I thought you were a man of your word.

I was just taking this one back.

To who? To randy? This is randy's barbeque.

Yes, yes, check it out. Look, he's got his name Engraved underneath it there, look.

To randy. I love you bud. Thank you for the best years of my life.

Mr. Lahey?

Now this is a little different than most transmissions.

First up, drive doesn't work but third does. Neutral is park, Reverse is second. If you want to use reverse, put it in drive.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

And the accelerator sticks so be careful but don't be afraid of it, You gotta give it to her or it's gonna stall.

I can do this ricky.

I f*cking hope so trevor.

Now take it for a little test drive and get used to it.

I know how to drive man.

You also know how to be stupid And I don't want you to f*ck this up cause this is my home.

Turn around. I guess this makes sense.

Yeah. Nobody knows about those two but me.

It's kind of a touchy subject so just keep that between you and me.

Yeah, yeah. So you really care about these guys?

Erica, I care about everybody in this park.

There's a lot of really good, hard working people decent Intelligent people that live here.

[shouting]

[crash]

What the f*ck happened?

Get out of the car hairdo, let's go.

My god, what happened here boys?

Trevor stole my car and crashed into lahey's trailer.

Nice going trevor, thanks.

Listen, listen, listen. Who's that?

Oh my god, it's randy.

Everybody stay back.

No mr. Lahey.

Are you okay?

I'm okay buddy.

Randy, are you okay?

Thanks buddy. I'm alright.

What in the f*ck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for?

And why do you look like indianapolis jones?

It's none of your god-damned business ricky.

If you must know, randy and I were rehearsing for a play for The blandford recreation centre next Thursday.

No, mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

We were practicing randy.

It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

We're consenting adults.

And what we do in the privacy of our own home is fine, mr. Lahey.

And I don't care, I don't care if the whole world knows That we like to get dressed up, and we like to have some fun.

And that we're a couple.

Hey everybody, we're gay.

Say it mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Alright randy.

Have it your way.

Everybody...

I'm gay.

Jim, erica, let's end this without charges okay?

It was just an accident. Nobody got hurt.

Julian, everybody knows I'm gay.

Somebody's gotta pay for the damage to my god-damned trailer.

Mr. Lahey, julian saved my life.

Look, I even brought back randy's barbeque Cause I knew it meant so much to him.

Well the trailer really is not that bad you know.

Not bad at all.

Just a scratch really. A few pieces of lumber, you can fix it up.

Somebody's gotta pay for this. Corey, trevor you f*cked up.

Come on, an officer knows when to give a guy a break.

Right officer.

Alright... Deal.

Okay guys, clean this sh*t up.

So how long have you lived in sunnyvale.

Thirty-two years.

Thirty-two years. And you've known ricky for how long?

All my life.

So same. And you live here by yourself?

I thought we were all finished with this investigation.

What are you talking about?

Is there something else going on here?

Are you insinuating that I'm hitting on you? Is that what you're saying?

Wanna come in for a drink?