02x01 - Joe's Story

♪ And I like you Yeah, I like you ♪
♪ I like you, I like you, I like you ♪
♪ I like you, I like you, I like you ♪
♪ And I feel whoa-ho whoo... ♪


♪ Woohoo hoo ♪
♪ Woohoo hoo... ♪


♪ Woohoo hoo ♪
♪ Woohoo hoo... ♪


So there's this inflatable school.

It's got inflatable chairs, inflatable tables, inflatable pupils, inflatable teachers.

And one day, somebody brings in a large knitting needle.

Now, the headmaster discovers the culprit and he takes him into his office.

He says to the kid, "This is totally unacceptable."

"You've let yourself down, and you've let all your friends down, and you've let the whole school down."


(They groan)

Joe, I'm putting these up. Thursday night - everyone welcome.

My divorce is finally through and we're celebrating. OK.

Oh, promo costumes are in and head office say everyone - no exceptions.

So where's yours?

Morning, Jenna. You know today's fancy dress day?

Yeah, I know, I'm on it. Sorry. Head office.

I'm assuming you'll be wearing one - you know, just to support the troops.

Well, of course.

Knock knock.

My son, Ashton. Ash.

He's on work experience. I squared it with Jenna.

Think he starts on the phones.

Oh, yes - I've had an e-mail. It's somewhere. Hello.

I'm Joe - head of sales. Come on. I'll show you to your work station.

Who is he?

What's his name?


Ashton? What's that? Where he was conceived?

Hardly Brooklyn, is it?

He's Kim Driscoll's son.

Kim? Trolley Kim?

Face on her and she's got a kid like that! His dad must be lush.

Do me a favour, Joe. Give him a job.

Go on, you can put him on my team.

Ally, this might come as a surprise to you, but I don't assemble teams on the basis of who might get off with each other.

Please, Joe!

He's about ten.

I don't think a soon-to-be-divorced older woman is exactly what he's after.

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but I wished him here. Cosmic ordering.

Yeah, well, wish yourself back to your desk and wish yourself top of your sales team, cos right now, you could do with all the help you can get.

Costume delivery.

No - turn around and take them back where they came from.

Toke, it's head office dictat.

Dictat? What is this? Nazi Germany?

It's for the website. It's fun.

Tell Jenna - and I quote -

"There's more chance of seeing a one-legged cat sh1t on a frozen pond."

OK, OK, fine.

I will just leave them here for you.

Doesn't that contravene some kind of health and safety dictat?

No exceptions, quote-unquote.

Look. Just take them with you.

I don't want them. Who doesn't look good in a big ball?

(They argue)



Joe! You all right, maet?


I'm all right.

I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

No, it was totally my fault.

It was an accident.

I'll get Jenna.

Any dizziness?

No, but I can see a light in one eye.

(He gasps)

Now, the other one.

He seems OK, but it's hard to tell with head injuries.

He should really go to the hospital.

I'm fine. Joe. I've got a bit of a headache.

What's the point spending half the day in A&E?

You took quite a hit, man. I think he should rest. At home?

But if you start to feel worse or your headache intensifies...

Shall I call your wife?

She's at work.

OK, I'll get Holly to drive you.

OK. At least it gets me out of wearing a stupid outfit.

This is all very well, but how am I supposed to get in tomorrow?


I expect you'll want to order that.

Wouldn't want ME out of pocket!

Enjoy your day off!



'Hi. You are through to Belinda.

'Sorry I can't take your call.

'Leave a message after the beep. Thanks.'



What the hell? Joe, what are you doing back?

Had an accident at work. They sent me home. What are you doing here?


I felt weird. I needed a lie down.

What? So you put the lock on?

I dunno why. I just...

Force of habit, I guess, cos we put it on when we go to bed.

I think I was having some sort of panic attack.

Panic attack? When did that start? At work, or something?

Maybe it's those pills I've been taking.

Anyway, it doesn't matter about me. What happened to you?

Oh, I was pissing around with Toke, and a load of stock came crashing down.

It was totally my own fault.

Joe. You could have bloody killed yourself.

I'm fine.

What a pair, eh?

Still, maybe we should make the most of it, watch a movie or something?

Yeah, maybe.

Who said the art of conversation is dead?

Right, I'm off to the club.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Wait for it, wait for it!

Go, go, go!

(They shout)

Come on, then! Come on, then! Come on, then!


Good, good, Jermaine. Nice one. Devour them!

You think she's playing away?


She's just been acting a bit odd lately, that's all.

There was this thing - a year or so ago I found some texts on her phone.

Nothing incriminating, just, you know, flirty stuff, with a guy from work, some doctor, some well-hung friggin' medic.

How do you know he was well-hung?

Cos that's the type she goes for.

Did you confront her?

Yeah, of course.

She accused me of being paranoid and a snoop.

Why were you looking through her phone?

Doesn't everyone, now and again?

I just got lucky. Or unlucky.

I should have gone rounrd and smashed his head in.

New girl seems nice.

Yeah, she is.

Why don't you pop over - tell her about your marital woes?

Maybe you'll get a pity shag!



Oh, look, Jenna...

It was totally my fault. No, it was mine.

Mine. It was mine. It was my fault. Mine. Touching.

Look, I'm not bothered whose fault it was.

No-one's getting disciplined, but you're managers.

You're supposed to be in charge and you're fooling around like kids in a playground.

Sorry. Sorry.

And don't lie to me.

I could have spent a fortune on a safety review.

Just as well you've got the eye in the sky then, isn't it?

Well, you know what they say - nothing to hide, nothing to fear.

Thank you.

See you later. See you.

If you go for visuals only, two or three rooms, we can link it to a laptop.

You're looking at 250?


And what does it look like? I mean, presumably it's discreet?

Can you see a camera in there?


Are you sure you don't want to come?

Another bloody superhero movie.

It makes the gym sound appealing.

I'll meet you after, though, yeah?

Text me. Will do.

(Car engine starts)

I suppose this is quite common these days, is it?

I suppose you get to do this all the time. Yep.

It's not that I don't trust anyone. Relationships are all about trust.

The day I met my girlfriend, I said to her, "Sweetheart, you ever cheat on me, I'll cut your cheek off."

She never has.

How was it?

All right.

Who fancies a Nando's? Mum's paying!


Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Which great philosopher said that? Hm? Hm?

Yoda. Empire Strikes Back.

(They laugh)

(He mimics Yoda) Mm! Help you sell sportswear, I will!

(They laugh)

Ashton, isn't it?

Ash. Karl.

Paper wraps stone.

I used to have an ice cream man called Ash When I was a kid.

Whenever he turned up, there was bedlam.

Kids scrapping and screaming their orders.

One time, he refused to serve me for pushing in.

So I yelled at him, "Suck me, plonker!"

And you know what he said?

He said, "I will, and I'll chew it off an' all."

Stayed with me, that.

Karl, leave him alone. Sorry, I should have warned you.

He's like weirdo central.

And avoid Dean too, he's a close talker.

I'm a free woman. It's official! Come on, tell me all about yourself.

Not a great advert for marriage, is she? Nine months?

I've been on speed dates that have lasted longer than that.

Yeah, well, it turns out he was into prostitutes. Three a week sometimes.

Yeah, well, it turns out he was into prostitutes. Three a week sometimes.

Really? That must have got costly. She reckons he was a s*x addict.

Couldn't keep it in his pants.

I suppose we don't really know anyone as well as we think.

Just make sure you choose a good one! Aw! Piss off!

Last time Ray had a jump, he was on a trampoline.

So, how did she find out?

His internet history.

Schoolboy error.

No, no, no, nothing incriminating on there. The opposite.

Every time she checked it, he'd cleared it.

Well, you know what they say.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably your partner shagging someone else.

You what?


(Muffled dance music plays)

(Siren wails)

Thanks for being my first shag as a free woman! Pleasure.

You will talk to me tomorrow, won't you? You're not one of those guys?

Of course.

I can't believe you used to be a footballer. That's brilliant!

Yeah, well, it's in the past.

It's still awesome.

Hey! If I Google you, can I find you in your kit?

Ally! Look, the only reason I told you about that... is it's the most interesting thing about me.

You know, cos now I'm crap. Boring.

I knew it. Lazy cow!

(He chuckles)

'I struggle to let go of things.'

'Thoughts go round and round in my head like a hamster wheel.'

It's the thing with anger, I know it's to do with anger at what happened.

The powerlessness, betrayal by someone I trusted.

And sometimes, I'd love to just wash it all away, you know?

'Pick up a bottle and just swirl these thoughts straight out of my mind.'

(Tense music builds)


I... The disciplinary?

Jenna and the others are already in there.


(He breathes heavily)

Sorry, sorry I'm late.

What's he doing here?

I'm allowed a representative. I read up online.

Right. Look, Ray, you're a good worker.

You're a good personality to have in the office.

But we've got two issues that we wanted to discuss with you.

How I got to be so awesome and how you can emulate me?

(He laughs)

Her face!

Sorry, sorry, carry on.

The perpetual lateness and the clothing, Iet's start with the clothing, Joe.

Yeah, yeah, look, mate, none of us want to dress like we work in the City but we ask for shirt and trousers.

He is wearing shirt and trousers. T-shirt, army trousers.

It's a Whitesnake top. From the 1984 Slide It In Tour.

It's a classic. We work on the phones. The public can see us.

Please wear a shirt. OK, and, lateness, I've got some dates...

Sorry, just one second...

Can I help you?

Oh, I... I was just...

Is it over already? That was quick.

I forgot my laptop.

Holly, look, I was playing a game and...

Keep it between us, eh?


First of November, the day after the Halloween party, 23rd of...


23rd of December, the day after the Christmas party.

Fifth of March, the day after your birthday.

Am I noticing a pattern here, Ray?

(No comment.)

(He chuckles)

I don't understand why it didn't go off!

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Get down.

There is something wrong with the smoke alarm. Finn, get down!

Joe, we've just almost burned the house down, and the bloody thing didn't go off!

She forgot the bacon! Just get down, you'll hurt yourself!

It just needs new batteries.

For once in your life will you do as I ask?


Fine. You do it then. Argh!

Sorry. Finn. Finn... Sorry...

Bad day.

Have you noticed his moods lately?

I think he's smoking weed.

Where've you got that idea from?

I was sleeping down here the other night, woke up in the morning and I could smell it, I'm sure I could.

I think he's slipping outside for a...

I think your imagination's got the better of you.

How was your day?

It was busy.

Oh, and Jess Tyrell's finally shown her face again.

Tonsillitis, my arse. Busy, rushed off your feet, as usual, all day.

Did you come back here today?

What are you on about?

I know you were here.

Dave from next-door said he heard voices and someone bumping around.

Senile old sod. He's hearing things. I can assure you, it wasn't me.

(Cheering and shouting)

Oh! Got you, got you, got you.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

Rock and roll!

Rock and roll!

(They cheer and shout)

You did it!

You're next, Carly!

Woman: It's always you, isn't it?

Always you! You've done that before, haven't you?





Cut after cut, when's it going to end?


You know, where is the money going to come from?

Yeah, I agree with you, but... It's happening all the time now.

(Voices become indistinct)

Don't tell me, somebody brought up government cuts.

Does it ever come to blows?


Not drinking?

No, I don't.

Four years.

Well, four years, three months and... quite a few days.

See, I'm forgetting. That's progress.

Are you alcoholic?

Things happened. To my family. I had some... bad stuff happen and I was very depressed, so I drank.

Not every night, just often.

And while I was drinking everything was... was fine, you know, good time Joe!

And then I realised - and I'm so stupid it took me years to work this out - I realised that the booze was the problem.

See, the booze made me depressed. The booze made it worse.

That darkness, that, um... disgust, yeah.

Waking up at three in the morning wanting to kill someone.

Myself... (He chuckles) ..usually. So, er... I... I quit the booze and I started doing this.

Something with purpose.

So, that's my... really depressing life story.

What's yours?

I'm...very boring. No, you're not.


(He breathes heavily)



Hello, family!


Good trip?

Great, great. Come here.


Ooh, I've missed you...

You go away for a night and you come back all affectionate.

It's a good job I'm not the suspicious sort.

Where's the kids?

Out. And before you get any ideas, back any minute.

I'm very quick.

(She chuckles)

That was nice. Nice?!

A cup of tea is nice, a shower is nice, that was... A cup of tea?

I'd love one if you're making.

(He groans)

Listen, before he gets back... I think you were right about Finn.

Really? Why?

Well, you know the other day when he was going to go to Ryan's and stay the night?

When me and Zoe got back from our day out, he was still here.

Acting all strange. All kind of reasons why he hadn't gone.

So when he went into the bath...

I searched his room.

You searched his room?! Mm.

And not only did I find some weed, I also found... (She sighs) ..johnnies.


So he's, um...?

Is he? Well, who with?

Do you know something about this?

No, I don't, no.

At least he's being careful.

Oh, come on, come on.

For God's sake!

Joe, dinner's ready!


I'm putting it on the table now.


Come on, come on!



Joe, dinner!

Yeah, I'm here!

What are you doing?

Nothing, just, er...


(Music plays through headphones)


Can I have a word?

Yeah, and your word is "privacy"?

You what?

Well, you didn't even knock.

(He chuckles)

I did a half a knock!

(He knocks on door)

God, it stinks in here! You should open the window occasionally.

Listen, um... Me and your mum having been talking and...

We know you're at that age where you don't want to tell us anything...


I'll tell you anything you want.

I have no secrets from you.


OK. Um...


Do you have a girlfriend?


Are you seeing anyone casually or...?


Mate... I was your age.

I know all...the feelings, the...the... the haste to do what all your mates are doing with their girls and...

Trust me... there's no rush, OK?

There's... Dad...

Yeah, fine. It's embarrassing.

Neither of us want to discuss this, but...

I'm just saying, as your dad... don't get yourself into trouble.

Bye, Dad.

Hello, stranger! Hey!

What happened to you Friday? Too ashamed to face me?

No, I was just...

Maddy, listen...

You seem like a great girl.

And you're fun... kind of crazy!

(They laugh)

But... you're just out of a marriage... and I'm... where I am.

You get what I'm saying?


You're saying you shagged me and you don't want anything more to do with me.

I think I get it loud and clear, Ash.

That's not what I'm saying... OK, no problem.

Answer me a question. I'm an old fart, so I'm out of touch.

What sort of age do kids start having s*x these days?

Why, are you looking for a younger model? No?


Why are you asking ME?

I was 18 and then I had to get her paralytic on scrumpy and black.

It was... high romance, I can tell you.

But all these lot, you think they started young? I mean, what...16?


At least.

I blame the internet. They watch too much p0rn. I mean...

I was startled the first time I saw a v*g1n*. I mean, up close.

I mean, genuinely, I wasn't expecting that many folds.


Kid trouble?


Philosophical question, yeah?

Is it better to know something you'd rather you didn't, or is it better to have never found out?

Only you can answer that.

(Ladder clatters)

Oi, you lot! Get back in! We don't pay you to kill yourselves!

Hey, what time do you call this?

You what?

Just a bit tardy. Double standards, boss.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Joe, I was only...

Jenna's office, now. What, are you for real?


Disobeying your boss is a sackable offence, Ray. Like that, is it?

Pulling rank.

One of them now, are you?

On your feet, come on. Come on, mate.

Get up, you fat twat. Hey, I'm big-boned!

Hey! Joe...!

Hey! Joe! Get off him!


Come on, Joe!

You prick! YOU PRICK!

Written warning, the pair of you!

And you lot, get back to work! Show's over!

You might need a start-up repair or it could be just a loose connection.

How quick can you do it?

Pick it up first thing tomorrow.

Listen, you...you don't go into the programmes or anything, do you?

It's...it's not p0rn, it's...it's...

It's work stuff. I just fix the problem, mate.



Talk to me. It was nothing. Just a...storm in a teacup.

Coffee mug.

Day-to-day, I'm too busy to gauge the balance of our delicate ecosystem, but Holly is my ear to the ground and I've found that she's a pretty good barometer.

She's nosy. Yeah.

She think you aren't yourself. You haven't been since the accident.

She thinks that you're spending a disproportionate amount of time staring at your laptop at something which, at best guess, is not work-related.

How would you rate that assessment?

Six out of ten.

Sales are down 13% on last year, Joe. 13.

Unlucky for some!

(She bangs cup down)

I need you focused. Doing what you do best.

So whatever is going on in your life, and if it is something I can help you with, tell me!

But, please, sort it out.

(Door closes)

'I mean, do I know these people?

'I live with them. They are the closest people in my life. My...

'..most cherished people in the whole...world.

'But do I really know them?

'Does anyone really know anyone?'

Husbands and wives... have private thoughts, things we... we don't ever tell each other.

Same as our kids.

Have I got a right to know everything?

Have I?

Am I God? Am I the all seeing eye?

Or have I just found a new addiction - my family?


Sorry - I'm a prick.

You said it.

13%. 13.

That's massive, that's at least double Ray's IQ.

That's what you know, but I had my IQ tested and I'm bang average.

So, what are we going to do about it? Hm?

(Car horn honks)

Can I speak to you, sir? Don't worry, you're not under arrest.

Can I speak to you about the reasons why you're here?

I'm just out shopping.

You're not here to meet a 14-year-old girl?

If I call your mobile now, it won't ring?

It might...

So you're here to have s*x with a 14-year-old girl?

What? No!

Can you just confirm that that's your profile picture?


So you haven't been messaging and texting someone that you believe to be called Gaby to meet here at this exact spot to then go into the Brookfield Hotel for s*x?

No, I'm here to meet a friend!

I've got some messages here, would you like me to read them?

I'm not here for s*x!

"You're a very sexy girl, and we're not going to just hold hands and kiss... when I get you in that hotel room, I'm going to take off your bra, take off your knickers..."

What? It's just chat...!

You're a teacher - a teacher!

What were you thinking? I would never...

Your school will hear about this, you will lose your job, and you'll never stand in a classroom ever again.

Please don't.

If she'd have turned up, I wouldn't have gone through with it.

If she'd turned up!

You're talking utter filth to what you think is a 14-year-old girl - you're the worst, the very worst, and I'm glad you turned up, I'm really glad that you turned up!

Can I see your warrant card, please?

I never said I was police.

Then what are you?

We hunt down paedophiles, we report all our findings to the police.

This video goes online - everyone you know will see this.

So you can't arrest me then, can you?

No, but we'll be taking all this to the police.


So this is your revenge, is it?

This is your revenge.

(He roars in frustration)

I couldn't tell you. Why not?

Because I knew you'd disapprove. Because you blame me.

I don't blame you. You still blame me.

We reported him.

We went through the proper channels. But he got away with it.

What more could we have done?

These men are not him, Bel.

No matter how many of these you get, they won't ever be him.

No, but I'm stopping them doing what they did to my daughter.

Those bastards, those filthy, disgusting bastards...

She's my little girl!

And she's mine too. How do you think I feel?

I'm her dad...

I... I'm her protector.

OK, yeah, I could have done more, I could have beaten him senseless, and got myself sent down - would that have helped?

What good would that have done, what kind of father would that have made me?

So you just drank it all away.

Well, what good did that do - what kind of father did THAT make you?

At least I'm doing something!

I'M doing something!

I'm working with these kids, making sure they've got someone genuine, someone who wants to help, that's doing something - but this, this - entrapment...

What would you do, what if this guy goes back and tops himself?

Is that what you want?

You want blood on your hands?

If they can't live with themselves...

They need locking up, out of harm's way, they need their balls cutting off! You know in prison, they're worse than murderers, they're lower than rapists, why?

Because ten minutes of their life, ten minutes of their miserable life and it stays with those kids forever.

Stays with our daughter forever!

And we did nothing!

We couldn't even get the b*st*rd sent to prison!

How would you feel if it was Finn?


How would you feel if someone did what you've just done to Finn?

Well, if Finn was trying shag a 14-year-old girl...

He has been.

He has been.

I've seen him.

But he's 16, so it's all right?

What do you mean?

Joe? What do you...?


Hayley. The girl from across the road. I've...

Him and her.

I've seen them.

What do you mean, you've seen them?

What's going on? How could you have seen them?

I wasn't meaning to spy on the kids, I was just...

Spying on me?

Trying to find reassurance.

What kind of man does this?

One who's been hurt. One whose wife's betrayed him.

Oh, right, yeah, so it's MY fault.


Joe, I have told you time and time again...

Nothing happened.

Nothing meaning what?

s*x? Come on, Belinda, don't insult my intelligence.

People don't send messages like that unless they've...

Do you know what? Fine.

Hate me. But you were a mess, Joe. You were a bloody mess.

And I wanted the old you, the fun you, before all this sh1t came into our lives.

And he offered a bit of that...

Did he?


So did you scr...

Did you screw him?

Come on, Belinda, truth now, no more lies...did you screw him?


But I wanted to.

And I wanted to kill Marlon Fielding, for what he did to our daughter.

But I didn't...

I didn't...

(Door opens)

It's Finn.

Please don't show him, don't show him, please.

They can't know I did this.

Hey - who's home?


Slackers. Right, make us a brew!

Belinda, Belinda...

You stupid boy! You stupid, stupid boy! Mum! What is it?

We know about Hayley.

Tell me you haven't had s*x. Tell me, Finn, tell me!

We haven't, I promise!

What were you thinking? She's 13! You could go to jail!

Jail... It's statutory rape!

Finn, look at me.

You know what happened to Zoe.

You're old enough - you know what she went through!

I'm not like that!

Mum, I just like her, OK... I'm not like that!

I know you're not, I know you're not, angel, but if this went to court, you know, if the police got involved...

It's illegal...they could charge you, they could put you on the register.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

You don't see her any more, Finn, OK? You can't see her!

I'm sorry...



If anyone ever hurts you again...


If it's the divorce thing, that wasn't my fault.

I know I'm a bit older than you, but I think if we went on a date, nice meal, say, and got to know one another...

Follow me.


Climb up.

No chance!

Climb up! Come on.

Now look down.

Ash, Jesus!

Look down.

Now, imagine an internal voice... shouting "Jump!"



That's how it feels to be me.


So! Shakespeare walks into a pub in ye olde England.

The barman looks and shouts, "Oi, get out, Shakespeare! You're Bard!"




You are the oil in the engine, Holly.

Everyone's living these amazing lives and I'm just stuck!

Oh, my God! Adam?


Your name, please?

Jenna Moss.