01x06 - Wedlocked

Announcer: Previously on "One Big Happy"...

None of the weddings that happened here were legal.

My visa expires in a week.

If we're not married by then, I'll be exiled back to England.

Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

We'll just get married again.

I flew your father in.

That's not my father.

I'm her husband.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry?

I never loved you, Martin.

I was only using you to get out of a bad situation at home.

Why else would I marry you after only knowing you for three days?

Just let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You marry the first sucker you meet to solve your problems.

Did you marry me because you were about to be deported?

Martin's gone.

So is Luke.

Oh.

(sobbing)

So, what you're saying is it's just you and me now.

Lizzy, thank you so much for letting me sleep with you.

I woke up, and you were next to me, so that's more of an assault than a "letting."

I just... I can't sleep in that bed another night without Luke.

Teach me how to be alone.

♪♪

So, wait, you've never slept alone before.

It's like they have their own gravitational pull.

God, I miss Luke so much.

I miss his smell, I miss his touch, the way he kisses every single part of my body good night.

It takes him an hour and a half.

But it's so sweet.

It might be the pregnancy, but suddenly I'm nauseous.

But most of all I miss his poetry.

Poetry? I'm pretty sure the only poem Luke knows is "Beer before liquor never been sicker."

No. Every night he'd write one word on a note, and then he'd place it on my pillow.

And then at the end of the week, it'd be a poem.

Look.

"Hearts intertwined, soft kisses move my junk."

Lizzy, if he and I aren't married by tomorrow, I'll be deported...

Then he won't have anyone to move his junk.

Prudence, Luke knows that your visa is about to expire, but he's really upset with you and for good reason.

It's not like you squeezed the toothpaste from the middle or used his razor on your hoo-ha.

I'd never do that. See?

I'll take your word for it.

But, seriously, why didn't you tell Luke that you were married before?

I don't know.

And I can't blame him for not trusting me anymore.

But haven't you ever had a secret, like something you were ashamed of, that you didn't need to keep a secret, but you did because you were afraid of what people might think?

That resonates with me, yes.

I kept a pretty big secret for 18 years.

Well, 14.

I didn't really think about being gay before kindergarten.

Oh, wait... Jenny Murphy.

So you understand.

Wow. Maybe we're not so different after all.

Yeah, look at us having a... moment.

Yeah, look at us.

So will you please talk to Luke for me?

Yeah, I will, first thing tomorrow.

Thank you, Lizzy.

You've really been my rock through this.

Beneath that icy shell, is a slightly less cold, additional shell.

And the moment's over.

Prudence is killing me right now.

She won't stop texting.

"I'm sorry." Delete. "I love you." Delete.

That's a photo. Save.

Dude, you've been pacing and ranting for two days.

I let you punch a hole in the wall.

I held you as you cried which I will tell no one about.

Thank you, man, you've been really tender.

But now you need a distraction.

And I need your help.

I met this great girl, Lori, and I wanted to impress her, so I might've told her I'm a cop.

I definitely told her I'm a cop.

That explains the handcuffs.

No, those I just have.

Oh.

But Lori and I are going to the Orion tonight and she's bringing a friend, so you just need to decide if you're a homicide detective or a desk guy.

The crying tells me you're a desk guy.

Dude, I'm not going on some fake cop double-date.

Well, fine, you could be FBI.

We could argue over jurisdiction.

Well, that's just stupid.

I've been working this wire tap for a month.

This is obviously my case.

(knocking)

Luke!

Your baby mama's here.

I'm gonna go watch "Police Academy," study up.

What are you doing here?

Delivering your suit.

You know, for your wedding that needs to happen tonight.

You're the groom, they can't do it without you.

Actually, in this state, they can.

How am I supposed to marry Prudence if I can't trust her?

I mean, who's gonna show up next from her past?

One of her seven sisters that's really her daughter, or granddaughter or great-granddaughter?

Okay, Prudence is like 30.

Is she, or is she like 90?

Look, Prudence didn't tell you that she was married before because she was ashamed.

It was almost like she was in the closet.

It is always gay pride day with you, isn't it?

And why are you suddenly on Prudence's side.

I mean, you've been dreaming about getting rid of her from the beginning.

That's not true.

I heard you mutter it as you threw a coin into a fountain.

I know a lot of Prudences.

Oh, come on, Lizzy, be honest.

You resent her for throwing a wrench into our whole baby plan.

Well, first of all, you shouldn't throw a wrench around a baby.

Just admit it, you hope she gets deported.

And I'm sorry, but I can't help but think there's a part of you that flew in her secret husband on purpose!

What are you saying?

That I flew her secret husband in on purpose?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!

I think you sabotaged my marriage.

Sabotage!

I swear, I thought I was flying in her dad so that you could ask for his blessing, which is a very sweet gesture.

Smells like sabotage!

Oh, my God!

What have you been smoking?

I don't know, Marcus, what have we been smoking?

Marcus: It's medicinal!

Everybody calm down!

Look, I know that you're angry with me, but I also know that you love her.

She showed me some of your seven-word s*x poems.

Such gems as...

..."Gentle touches, sweet caresses, we should bang."

Based on a true story.

But things have changed, I'm going to the Orion tonight.

So I have a new seven-word poem for you.

Not coming home, not getting married.

That's six words.

Good day.

That's two, now you're over.

Can you believe Luke accused me of trying to sabotage the relationship?

That is crazy, that is nutso.

I am not evil, I am a gosh-damn delight.

I'm your sister so I say this with love, but you can be an evil monster.

What are you talking about?

You killed my fish the summer I went to Paula Abdul dance camp.

Fish die.

That's like me saying you let grandpa die.

Sometimes things just die.

Right, but Mom and Dad couldn't afford to send us both to Paula Abdul dance camp, so they sent me.

And you said you were fine and you would take care of Rodney Dangerfish but gave him no respect.

Come on, I forgot to feed him one time.

One time?

A few times.

Really?

Okay, every single time.

But it should've been me at that dance camp.

You can't do this or this.

Or this.

Yeah, you're a gosh-damn delight.

Oh, my God, I killed your fish.

And maybe Luke is right.

Maybe on some level, I sabotaged him and Prudence.

The ghost of Rodney Dangerfish agrees.

This is terrible.

And I only have like four hours to fix this, or Prudence is gone for good.

But what can I do if he won't even talk to her?

Okay, okay.

When I get really mad at Roy, I just remember why I fell in love with him in the first place...

You should know that.

And you just gave me an idea.

All I need to do is get Luke and Prudence in the same room and recreate the moment they fell in love.

I remember!

He got me pregnant.

(sighs)

I mean the police academy was hard.

But we had this one guy who made fun sound effects with his mouth.

His career kind of dropped off after that.

Luke, tell them about the FBI.

Mm.

Oh, there was this one real meany.

That's a law enforcement term.

His name was Hannibal Lector.

Oh, my God, they made a movie about him.

You met him?

I'm just a cashier at Target.

It's like a store where you can buy shoes and cereal and bras and outdoor furniture and wrapping paper and...

I've been to Target, Jackie.

Oh.

Well, you know my man, Luke, is not only an FBI agent, he also writes sensual poetry.

I love poetry.

Maya Angelou is like... my girl.

(laughing)

Do me one of your poems.

Do it later, 'cause I have to pee.

Come on, Jackie, let's go pee.

I totally have to pee. Let's go pee.

(chuckling)


Come on, man, perk up.

Please just keep the squeaky one entertained.

Do you not want me to have s*x?

Honestly, I have like zero investment.

I'm just not into this.

I met Prudence here.

She was standing right behind that bar.

Best night of my life.

Am I supposed to just give all that up?

Just for like a few hours.

The line was too long.

We peed outside.

Lizzy, where are you taking me?

Just trust me.

Wait, this is the bar where Luke and I first met.

It was love at first sight.

Best night of my life.

Well, we're about to déjà vu that bitch.

Prudence?

Luke!

I can't believe you're here, this is just like...

The night we first...

I think what you two are experiencing is the opposite of sabotage.

I'm so sorry that I never told you about...

Luke, we're leaving.

And you're like the hottest guy who's ever talked to me, so you're definitely gonna get me to do stuff.

And then you can write a s*x poem about that stuff.

Who's she?

She's Jackie.

You're with her.

No.

Yes, I'm touching his butt right now.

I spent two days crying over you.

I sent you glamour shots of my no-no bits.

And you're with another girl, writing her poems?

She just peed outside, that is not my thing!

Not yet.

Shut up, Jackie!

Wait, do you work at Target?

If it's that easy for you to move on, just forget it.

And forget me!

No, Prudence, wait!

Are you okay?

No!

Lizzie, what did you do?

I fixed it?

Prudence, what are you doing?

Leaving.

They're gonna deport me anyway.

Yet somehow Simon Cowell walks free.

Please, don't go.

I was at the bar as Marcus' wingman.

I don't want Jackie from Target, I want Prudence from whatever job you eventually get.

Whatevs, no rush.

Yeah, Jackie's not even his type.

I mean, before you, there was a whole parade of sluts that didn't even look anything like her.

Lizzy, stop trying to fix this!

Prudence, I didn't cheat on you.

You have to believe me.

Okay, I believe you, but it still doesn't mean I should stay.

But if you do stay, you have an hour to get married, so no presh... Actually, there's a fair amount of presh.

I want this to work, I really do, but I'm just afraid that after what happened, you're never gonna be able to trust me again.

Valid point. I like where this is going, really getting to the core.

I wanna trust you, but just tell me now is there anything else I need to know about your past?

Yes.

Okay, here goes.

(sighs)

I was an ugly duckling.

I had an overbite and an underbite.

I was in a trolley accident, this isn't my real ear.

And I was once arrested for stealing pickles from the Parliament Pickle Pantry.

It's a pickle shop in Piccadilly Circus.

Oh.

And I can't pronounce the word "tapdole."

Tapdole... Oh! Baby frog.

Dude, she just bared her soul.

What do you say?

I say I love you.

I love you, too.

Then let's get married.

Whoa! Whoa!

You have 58 minutes... okay?

Stop that now!

You got to Marcus', grab your suit.

You go put on your wedding dress.

I'll take care of everything else.

And it's the left one, right?

'Cause now I can't look at anything else.

Oh, my God, you look so hot.

(screams)

Jackie, what are you doing here?

Looking for you and finding you, and then hopefully...

Aah!

Look, Jackie, I'm sorry, but I have to be at a wedding in less than an hour.

Oh, fun, I can go as your date.

No, Jackie, I have a date... I'm the groom.

Look, Jackie, I'm sorry if I misled you in any way.

I was only trying to help Marcus...

Officer Hightower.

But I gotta go.

Oh, my God.

This always happens to me.

I meet a great guy, and then he leaves me for someone prettier and smarter and more mentally stable.

Jackie.

Don't cry, I hate it when girls cry.

You know what would cheer me up?

If you stayed.

Oh, I can't.

Whoops, I threw your phone.

(chuckling)

Jackie, no!

♪ Guess where the key is? ♪

I mean, I'm a good planner, but under an hour to throw a wedding together is almost too much to ask.

Almost.

Now we just need the bride, the groom, and the officiant.

So, you know, the wedding.

But still, Sissy, this is really beautiful.

Thanks.

Honey.

Hmm?

You seem really happy.

What's wrong?

Roy, I know I don't tell you this often enough, but good job knocking me up.

Ah, honey, the best elevator ride of my life.

Wow.

You look stunning.

But white, really?

Wow. Look at this, Lizzie, and look at you, rocking that pantsuit like only a lesbian or female politician could.

But we've only got 20 minutes, why isn't Luke here yet?

Jackie, come on, please, uncuff me!

And, for the last time, I am not searching your little Jackie for the key.

Oh, but she really wants to meet you.

Jackie, I have 15 minutes to get to my wedding.

Oh, I feel a little woozy.

(giggles)

Maybe I shouldn't have had nine beers when I'm on so many anti-psychotics.

Whoa.

Jackie, no! Bad girl!

(giggles)

I do.

Oh, my God, where is Luke?

We have three minutes.

He's going to show up.

I know he's going to show up.

I'll bet my real ear on it.

It's so nice to have everything out in the open.

Something must've happened.

He wouldn't miss this.

I'm here!

Roy!

Why would you scream "I'm here," if we're waiting for Luke?

I just wanted to make sure you knew where I was.

'Cause I'm taking the pictures.

Lizzy, if this marriage license isn't signed in 2 1/2 minutes, I'm gone.

Okay, Sissy, you're really running out of time.

What's plan "B"?

Honey, that's the plan you use if plan "A" doesn't work out.

You don't get to talk anymore.

You have 55 seconds, and this is riveting.

What're you gonna do?

Yeah, what's she gonna do?

Yeah, Lizzy, what am I gonna do?

You're gonna marry me.

What?

I don't know where Luke is, but he's my best friend, and I know it would break his heart if you had to leave, so...

I'll marry you.

You'd do that for us?

For me?

Because there have been times when I thought maybe you didn't really like me.

You're not wrong.

I don't always like you, but I have kind of grown to...

...love you.

(whispers) No.

Lizzy, we'd have to stay legally married for like...

Okay, look, don't talk me out of it.

All I know is I am not letting another fish die on my watch.

Much respect, Rodney Dangerfish.

Marry us.

Okay.

You know, I think it was Walt Whitman who said that...

Look, we only have 30 seconds, let's skip the Whitman.

Ok, sure.

Do you Prudence Banks take...

What... what's your name?

Lizzy Fisher.

Take Lizzy Fisher to be your lawfully wedded wife for richer or poorer in sickness and in health till death do you part?

I do.

I do, too.

By the power vested in me, by the state of California, I now pronounce you wife and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

That's okay.

You guys make a really cute fake couple.

Lizzy, can you just smile and maybe stop slouching?

Nag, nag, nag.

Prudence, I'm here, let's get married.

What took you so long?

This looney tune handcuffed herself to me.

I had to roll her three miles, and I lost her on a few corners.

And please don't ask where the key is.

Oh, you don't need a key.

Wow, how did you...?

Maybe there's a few more things I need to tell you.

Okay, let's do this.

Uh, darling, um, it's too late.

No, you're gonna be deported?

Oh, our wife is not going anywhere.

I'm sorry, "our" wife?

Dude, my sister married your wife.

Yeah, man, I think Lizzy might be your mom now.

Lizzy just gay married me so I could stay here with you.

Yep, that's why we fought so hard.

Thank you.

You gay married her for me?

Ok, it's not "gay married", just "married."

I mean, I'm wearing shoes, not gay shoes.

Well...

Yeah, those are totally gay shoes, I've got a really good angle.

She really is your best friend.

She's kind of mine too.

I love you.

I love you too.

I love you too.

Excuse me?