01x08 - Dead Air

Previously on iZombie...

You think you can cure this?

You are expecting to stay like this forever?

So you're using the rats in search for a cure?

Have you guys seen my friend?

Brother, I just saw him.

We'll have you to him in no time.

Major found the Candyman and someone else.

He thinks they're responsible for the missing kids.

Liv: Major is not gonna let this go. He'll go after them.

(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)

Whoa!

Look, that's him, the Candyman.

He's got a human brain in that ice chest right there!

Guard: A little thank you for the Seattle Observer article.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh! No.

No.

No! Aieee!

Ow! I forgot the safe word. What's the safe word?

Kelly Clarkson! Ping pong! (GASPS)

Ah! Ah, yes.

That's better.

That's the ticket.

That's a good boy.

Your reward in the kingdom of heaven will be great.

Enough.

Just relax.

Breathe into it.

Liv: I'd forgotten what it was like to be touched.

This foot-rub dessert is tasty.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

The main course was...

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Do you need to grab that very early phone call?

(SIGHS)

Woman on radio: A juicy, mouth-watering thick slab of beef.

Liv: "Life" or whatever we zombies agree to call the daily grind, means being bombarded with almost constant reminders of the things we can no longer enjoy.

Woman on radio: ... dripping with aged cheddar cheese.

Liv: Cheeseburgers.

Man on radio: Give the gift of life. Give blood.

Liv: A rosy complexion.

Woman on radio: Estate planning, the peace of mind that lasts for generations.

Liv: Progeny.

Woman on radio: Have your assets preserved for your heirs.

Call your friends at...

Liv: s*x, on the other hand...

Ahhh!

That's back on the menu for this zombie.

Sasha on radio: ... frequent caller Cheated On In Chattanooga, who thinks her husband might be getting his kicks at another woman's shoe store.

Cheated, what's the 411?

Cheated (in southern accent): I finally caught the two of 'em, followed 'em to a hotel.

They were basically dry humping in the lobby.

Sasha: Cheated, you know I always give it to you straight.

It's time to cut that man loose.

Cheated: I'm keepin' my man, Dr. Sasha.

It's the slut he's hooking up with that I'm gonna murder.

(CAR HONKS)

Sasha: I know I talk a lot about self-empowerment, but that doesn't include murder.

Cheated: Maybe I could get some help from my fellow listeners!

Call in if you see a powder-blue convertible with these plates,

I wrote 'em down, 8-2-3...

Sasha: No, no, no, no.

Cheated: ... G-A...

Sasha: No, stop!

(DIAL TONE)

Sasha: Hello?

Cheated, we need to talk about this. Please call back in.

What about that place down on...

I don't know, what you're thinking, some takeout?

I could go for Thai.

Yeah. Spring rolls?

Excuse me.

I was wondering if you've received any further news about when my friend might be released.

Yeah, but I'm keeping it to myself because I enjoy these chats we have every 15 minutes or so.

Maybe don't be friends with criminals.

(SNICKERS)

(EXHALES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Clerk: Could go for some butter chicken right now, that's for sure.

Or French. What about French?

Peyton Charles, Assistant District Attorney.

Gotta go.

Do you notice anything missing with this paperwork?

Save your eyes.

It's missing a time stamp, which means the prisoner is being held in violation of Habeas Corpus statutes.

I could put the stamp on now.

Are you offering to commit forgery?

No.

Get him out. Now.

And hope to hell he doesn't go to the press or sue, cause it'll be both our asses.

I read it for the articles.

(SNICKERS)

The prisoner's being released. Fifteen minutes, tops.

Make it five.

Oh, my God.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

What did they do to you in there?

There seemed to be some lesson I was meant to learn.

You may need to put me on retainer, young man.

I'm... I'm sorry. And you are?

This is my roommate Ravi, Liv's boss.

Ravi, this is Peyton, Liv's roommate.

I did try to call Liv.

You did what?

Horrible idea.

We'd have two messes to clean up. Have you looked in a mirror?

I have a feeling people who are friends with social workers don't ask this question a lot, but who were you fighting with this week?

Sons of Anarchy, I think.

Guards commuted their sentences to 20 minutes of beating the hell out of me.

Hey, word of advice. Try not getting arrested the day after you're quoted on the front page of the paper saying that local police are indifferent to the disappearance of the underclass.

If you want to sue the city, I can put you in touch with someone.

No, the only witnesses were the guards and the guys whipping my ass.

It's a waste of my time. I just wanna find out what happened to Jerome and Eddie.

What?

All right, look... Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

You know the, uh, Emily Sparrow disappearance?

She was kidnapped by, uh, space-alien worshipping, sister-wife collecting cultists. A married couple.

The, uh...

The police found the remains of a number of the skate park kids at their compound.

Jerome and Eddie?

You...

You did everything you could.

I mean, they couldn't have had anyone more in their corner.

It's over now.

I've known in my gut that they were gone, but I've seen things.

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

I know who killed Jerome and Eddie, and it wasn't these two.

Everything the police tell you in this town is a lie.

This is a long way from over.

Sasha: Cheated On In Chattanooga, we're all concerned about you.

Please call back. - Sorry I'm late.

I had to help a friend with a legal matter.

Shh!

Cheated On In Chattanooga threatened to kill her husband's mistress on air.

Sasha, the host, is trying to talk her out of it, but she won't call back in.

Really, Liv?

I'm surprised you find this trashy, lowest-common...

Zip it!

Sasha: Come on, ladies. The world is full of eligible men, and not one of them is...

(ELECTRONIC ZAPPING SOUND)

What just happened?

No idea.

(ELECTRONIC DISTURBANCE)

Woman: Sasha!

Man 1: Oh, my God, what's happening?

Woman: Sasha! Sasha!

Man 1: Shut it off!

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Man 2: Somebody call an ambulance!

MAN 1: Sasha!

I stand corrected. This is compelling radio.

Ravi: The electricity entered the body through her hands.

The current then passed through her chest cavity.

Causing instant cardiac arrest.

Electrocution is an extremely rare cause of accidental death.

Well, wasn't an accident.

According to the fire inspector, someone intentionally spliced the victim's microphone into the station's backup generator.

Moment she touched it after the break, bam!

First thing we need to do is find Cheated On In Chattanooga.

The caller who threatened to murder her husband's mistress on today's show?

Um...

First-time listener.

Why her?

You know that license plate number she gave on the air?

The car's registered to the victim.

Shocking.

Too soon?

Did Sasha recognize her own license plate number when she heard it on the air?

Yeah, she was terrified. She sent me downstairs to grab Security.

As the show's producer, you screened the calls, decided which made it on the air?

That's right.

It's a local show, but this caller, Cheated On In Chattanooga, was she calling from Tennessee?

Well, our show is streamed nationwide, but I could tell from the Caller ID, Chead On In Chattanooga's calls all came from a Seattle area code.

So, she called the show a lot?

Ten, twelve times over the past few weeks.

She was high drama. A woman on the verge.

She gave great radio.

We'll need those recordings.

Yeah.

Hey, Kaley.

Can you get these officers the past couple weeks of shows?

Now, this week's shows might take a little longer to get our hands on, but, uh, you'll have plenty to listen to in the meantime.

Unfortunately, we don't archive by caller, so if you want the Cheated segments, somebody'll have to go through, like, 30 hours of audio files.

I'll do it.

Who couldn't use some straight talk?

That was, uh, definitely Sasha's forte.

She was fearless.

God, I can't believe she's gone. We made so many hours of radio together.

I'm sorry. I think I need a minute.

Of course.

Clive: I take it Sasha and Jane were close?

Oh, super close.

Like, since college.

Sasha was the psych major with the big personality.

Jane was the RTF major with the radio skills.

They had this whole Liz Lemon, Jenna Maroney thing going on, but in a "not funny" way.

You happen to know who Sasha was seeing romantically?

Specifically? No. I mean, she talked about her s*x life on the air all the time, but her lovers always got code names. The All-Nighter, Sir Cries-A-Lot.

So, there were a lot of lovers?

From what she said, yeah.

I don't know any names or anything, but everybody around here knew she had a thing for men already in relationships.

Do you think one of her lovers did this?

We'll look into every possibility.

This way.

This is the line to Sasha's mic. It should ground into this panel, but the killer ran it over there into the backup generator.

Who has access to this room?

Five stations under the Panopticon umbrella, all operate out of this building.

Plus, there's the public tours that tramp through here all day.

Last week, some clown wandered into a KGOV live broadcast.

Took half a dozen calls before somebody figured out he wasn't really a city comptroller.

So, basically, anyone could've gotten in here?

Sasha: Yes, manscaping is a thing.

You can't expect a girl to go hacking through the brush like Indiana Jones looking for the lost Peruvian temple.

I'm not asking you for a Brazilian, just a little...

You need me?

No.

It's just that I had some business down at the courthouse and met your roommate Peyton.

Bit of a spitfire, isn't she?

Yeah.

Is she seeing anyone presently?

Probably.

You're asking because you might wanna ask her out?

(SIGHS) For a moment there, I thought I might have to draw you a diagram.

I'll check.

She's not generally lacking for male companionship.

I think we had a moment.

Oh!

The early shift was displeased that the supply closet is now padlocked.

They'll get over it. This is where we're curing zombie-ism.

I'm mid-experiment. Our guinea rats are behind this door, rolling hard on Utopium and Max Rager.

Right now, they're probably waving tiny glow sticks in the air.

I think someone needs an escort to the chill-out room.

Liv!

Ravi: Their brains are missing, every one of them.

"The Lannisters send their regards."

Ugh.

Where is the fifth rat?

Don't know.

But I can't stress enough the importance of finding him.

(RAT SQUEAKS)

Holy crap, Ravi! He's white and murderous.

You did it. You made a zombie rat.

(RAT SCREECHING)

Where are you going, little buddy?

Uh, I believe he was on his way to murder me and eat my brains.

Why isn't he tearing into you?

Oh, it's a zombie thing. You wouldn't understand.

Zombie brains are nasty.

You wouldn't want those. No, you wouldn't.

Uh, that rat you're doting on like a purse Chihuahua could end civilization as we know it.

(GIGGLES)

Right. The human genome is full of so-called "junk DNA," right?

Veritable sleeper cells of evolution, waiting to be called to action by a change in environment or circumstance.

Enter, a chemical cocktail of tainted Utopium and Max Rager.

Cocktail wakes up dormant genes, which then transforms an ordinary human or rat into a zombie at the cellular level.

So, you'll use antibodies from zombie-rat to synthesize a gene therapy-based cure.

That's the plan.

Do you think this is how Oppenheimer felt staring down at the A-bomb?

Like a drama queen?

Or are you talking about his need for self-aggrandizement?

Aw.

Oh, come on! Gentle ribbing.

Dr. Oppenheimer, you love me.

He loves me.

Cheated On In Chattanooga's phone was a burner, totally untraceable.

New development. Check this out.

Dear God, how about a heads-up, or an NSFW warning?

Is that a blow-up s*x doll?

Ooh! I wanna see.

With Sasha Arconi's face taped over the doll's.

There are a bunch of them.

Sasha was in a blood feud with the host of a rival drive-time sports talk show, The Morning Hurl.

The host, Chuck Burd, asked all of his listeners, "Upchuckers" they're called, to commit unspeakable acts upon a Sasha Arconi blow-up doll and post them online.

Delightful.

Sasha gave it as good as she got.

She was promoting a roundtable interview next week with several of Chuck's past lovers.

It sounds like we should have a chat with Chuck.

Exactly my thought.

Clive: "Great morning s*x."

Isn't it enough for you ladies that you're having it?

Why spoil it by talking about it?

See, I find it fascinating that we never talk about your love life.

Really? 'Cause I find it non-negotiable.

Boundaries, Liv.

"Stressing of boundaries," one of several signs of a classic distancer.

Pair that with "avoiding discussion of deep feelings."

I'm going in now.

"Pulling away when things get real."

Look, it's nice you want to get to know me.

"Sending mixed signals."

What's gotten into you?

You listen to Sasha's show for one day and now you think you're her?

(SIGHS) Something like that.

I'm not the "let's get real" type, anyway.

Ask DeVore in Vice. She'd tell you.

"Idealizing a past partner." You are so textbook.

Seriously, you can stop talking right now.

I know everything there is to know about you.

Chuck on radio: I'm not saying he should have done what he did.

All I'm saying is, any guy who's been married for more than five minutes knows exactly how he felt!

Ladies, listen to this.

Your mouths were not made for speaking.

Not for speak... Ooh!

Huh.

Upchuckers, show of hands, who's screwed an albino chick?

Huh? Anyone? Anyone?

I think what they lack in pigment, they make up for in nasty.

Am I right? You know, don't ya?

We got a chick in studio, right now, begging for someone to bang a little color back into her cheeks.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

What's that?

The feud with Sasha was all for show.

The more PMS-y she acted, the more fired up my listeners got.

The broad was ratings gold.

So, your relationship with your mom, I'm going with complicated.

Extreme narcissism with a tendency towards sexual deviance.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Mommy issues."

All I'm saying is, the inexplicable crying when you're cuffing the carrot, there's a reason for that.

Mr. Burd.

This show Sasha was supposed to do about you, a lot of men would feel threatened by their ex-lovers comparing notes on the radio.

Yeah, unless all of your notes are just, muah!

(CHUCKLES) You know what I mean?

I was just worried she wouldn't be able to fit 'em all into the studio.

If I'm gonna puke in your trash bin, do I need to go through the basketball hoop?

What do I care if one of them said something bad?

You and I both know how women get when you kick 'em loose.

You kicked a lot of women loose?

Not anymore.

I'm a happily married man now.

(SNIGGERS)

That's my girl.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Stay away from my husband, whore!

(GASPS)

Chuck: She's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but she is a former gymnast.

Power tumbler.

When your wife found out you were sleeping with Sasha, was she mad enough to kill her?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Okay, Sasha and I bumped uglies a couple times, but I'm not the first guy to have a little hate bang on the side.

No, but you're a guy with an angry wife and a dead lover.

You think Oksana is this Chattanooga chick?

She's a mail-order bride. She speaks maybe 50 words of English.

The woman could barely order a cup of coffee, let alone fake a Southern accent!

Where were you yesterday between 9:30 and 9:45?

Talking about ambidextrous hookers on the radio.

It's a public service piece I like to do.

If you'll excuse me, I've got 42 seconds to take a leak before the news.

For what it's worth, I don't think his wife could've passed for Cheated On In Chattanooga. Maybe "Cheated On In Chechnya."

That doesn't mean she didn't kill her. I'll check her out.

(SIGHS)

Where's a vat of bleach when you need one?

Corinne: Hello?

So you missed our lunch date.

Things have been kind of crazy, but I'll make it up to you, okay?

Oh, my God. Major, what happened to your face?

It's a long story.

I... I broke into a guy's car.

Then the cops put me in a cell with these bikers and...

Whatever, you know, it, it doesn't matter.

It does matter!

Why are you looking at pictures of brains?

You know what? Don't even answer that.

This is so not what I signed up for.

Look, I... I know I've been...

You keep getting into fights.

You just got arrested. You are in a running battle with someone known as the Candyman?

What the hell? You were the dream combination of superhot but funny and now you're like some whackjob who doesn't shower enough.

If you give me a second to explain...

You should get some help.

I take it game night's off?

(DOOR SLAMS)

Enter the hero.

Why so glum, chum?

I can't do this anymore.

Moving those kids' bodies, it was too much.

Emotionally, or... Because physically, it shouldn't 've been that bad.

How heavy are bones?

Damn it, you listen to me!

You're not even trying to be careful anymore.

The bodies are piling up, and you just expect me to make them disappear.

What part of "me having you by the short and curlies" don't you understand?

I'm literally your meal ticket.

Oh, I understand that, but...

What're you gonna do? Hmm?

Are you gonna mosey down to the holding cell and pop open a couple of craniums a week and hope nobody gets wise?

Stop acting like you have options and just do what I tell you to do.

There's a girl in the M.E.'s office.

Pale.

Looks like she plays for Team Z.

Yeah, I know all about her.

She has her own special role in all this.

It would've been nice to get a heads-up.

I'm sorry, dear. You know how I struggle with my communication skills.

Now, run off and do your job.

Protect and serve...

Me.

Sasha: The guy's a bully, and you're just laying back and taking it.

Act like his bitch, don't expect to be treated like his girlfriend.

Liv: Before this brain, my advice-giving M.O. was gentle.

Sympathetic.

Now I feel compelled to fix people, to take them apart, whether they want it or not.

Sasha: Don't make me play it.

Caller: But he meditates now.

He's becoming a vegetarian.

Sasha: You asked for it. Tell her, Miss Lynch.

Jane Lynch: Bitch, get a clue!

Bitch, get a clue!

Sasha, I'm sorry! I was gonna tell you, I swear!

Ahhh! Sasha!

I don't want apologies! I want loyalty!

(GASPS)


Well, any time you mix friendship and work, things can get complicated, but Sasha and I were fine.

Clive: So, you didn't mind when she yelled at you and threw things?

That was cool with you?

You heard about the cupcakes.

(GASPS) Yeah, Sasha could go a little psycho, but that time I had it coming.

Why is that?

She found out I was sending tapes to other stations.

I should've told her, but... I don't know, I...

We started as co-hosts, and then Sasha became this big star and I became just her producer which was fine for a while, but...

But you would've rather been behind the mic.

Anybody in radio says differently, they're lying.

Did you get any offers?

No. Mmm-mmm.

It takes a special kind of charisma to get people to tune in and listen. Sasha had it.

Judging by my lack of offers...

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Sasha was pretty angry when she found out you wanted to leave.

Well, at first, and then she got over it and started fighting for a raise for me.

To entice me to stay.

Oh, we got those last Cheated audio files from archives if you still want them.

Please.

Oyster shucking gloves. Observe.

Ahhh!

Ravi!

Voilà. Chain mail for the hand.

Enjoy hell.

Have you seen Major today?

I missed a call from him yesterday and I haven't heard back.

Oh, you... He's fine.

Well, he's got some stuff going on, romantically.

There was a break-up. In that, Corinne dumped him.

Major doesn't get dumped. There are literally two reasons to end a relationship with Major, zombie-ism and full-on death.

Wait, you don't think Corinne...

Is now a zombie?

Seems unlikely.

Speaking of roommates, have you spoken with Peyton yet?

Wow. All roads lead to Rome with you lately, huh?

I think you need to ask yourself why you're so interested in her.

I don't know. Just saw her in action briefly. She was quite fiery.

And you like them fiery. Someone kind of hard to get, maybe a little complicated. You want to have to put in some work.

I don't shy away from a challenge.

Of course you don't.

Because then there's the potential to win.

To rewrite history, be the conqueror.

Wait, no, uh...

What history am I rewriting?

I don't know which parent was distant and made you work for affection.

Are you shrinking me?

I'm just pointing out obvious behavior that could potentially lead to you being hurt.

Okay, I guess I'm shrinking you, but you really do need to learn from the past and not try to relive it.

I can't help it. I'm filled to the brim with insight.

Oh, that's what you're full of?

Just find out if she's dating anyone, okay?

I live to enable.

Liv: Fun fact of zombie-ism: knowing you're being affected by the brain you just ate doesn't always stop you from acting on its impulses.

Major?

I can see your mopey shadow. Let me in.

Someone needs to tell you that self-sabotaging is not the answer.

You're allowed to be happy.

Oh, Major. Who did this to you?

I can't talk about fight club.

Crap.

I want to know what happened!

Would you believe shark attack?

Did you go to the skate park again?

Rough night in jail.

Turns out the police take umbrage when you accuse them of negligence.

You were in jail? Why didn't you...

You did call me. You called me from jail and I didn't answer.

It's fine, really. I'm glad you're here now.

(SIGHS)

You made it on the police blotter?

One of the kids at Helton Shelter brought that into a group session this morning.

Unfortunately, my bosses weren't nearly as impressed with my "street cred" as this kid was, so if you hear of anyone looking for a youth counselor with a rap sheet...

They fired you.

Major, I'm so sorry.

Look at me.

(SCOFFS) I didn't give them much choice.

I need to talk to you about something.

I think you're the only one who might listen to me.

Of course.

Those people in the woods didn't kill Jerome and Eddie.

All right? It was a drug dealer named Julien Dupont.

The guy the kids call "the Candyman."

They found their remains at the house.

Look, I'm telling you it wasn't them, all right?

This Dupont guy was wearing Jerome's shoes.

He, he practically admitted to killing him.

The police, they're covering this up. Now, don't ask me why.

The DNA was verified.

Just listen, please.

All right? I saw something in the Candyman's car and it's gonna sound crazy, all right?

But I know what I saw.

Okay.

There was an ice chest in the passenger seat.

It had a brain inside.

A human brain. I'm sure of it.

Brains hah!

You think I'm crazy.

No!

It's just that if the man worked for a butcher shop like he told the police, then it seems logical the brains came from an animal.

No, no, no. I've been looking at pictures of human and cow brains for hours, and yes, I know how crazy that sounds, but, Liv, a cow's brain is baseball-sized. That's not what this was!

I need someone to believe me.

I'd feel so much better if that someone was you.

I know how close you and Jerome were, how responsible you felt for him.

I think you holding on to this case is a way of you holding on to him.

You're right.

I don't want you to be, but you are.

I know it's not easy to let go.

I've... I've got to get my act together 'cause this... This isn't who I am.

You know, if I'm gonna get into a fight with a biker gang, it should be because I accidentally knocked over a row of their hogs outside a dive bar.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Just promise me that you'll back off from this Julien guy.

I promise.

You're a good friend, Liv.

Liv: Every time Major calls me his friend, I ache.

I miss the "girl" modifier, but the truth is, we were practically besties from the moment we met.

That's why we were so great together.

Underneath all the love and the desire to tear each other's clothes off, was the person I wanted to share every detail of my life with.

Without that, it's not really even a relationship, is it?

Is this just s*x? Is that who you are? A zombie booty call?

Sorry. I instinctively take off my shirt every time someone knocks at the door.

What are we doing?

I just finished dyeing my roots.

We can't all pull off the ethereal Tinker Bell look.

I'm not sure what you're up to, but it seems to involve spiraling.

We're not friends. Shouldn't friendship be the foundation of a relationship?

It should be the foundation of year two of a relationship and beyond, but right now, what I really wanna do is spend epic amounts of time naked with you, and the friendship will come.

Would we even be together if we weren't both zombies?

Probably not.

My world was the music scene, you were an ER doctor.

I suppose I could've OD'd, would have been a hell of a meet-cute, but what does it matter? Because here we are. Zombies together.

It matters.

It doesn't.

We have nothing in common other than being half-dead.

That's not the basis of a healthy relationship.

I have a feeling that the woman whose brain you ate never had a healthy relationship in her life.

How do you know it was a woman?

She's exhausting.

I thought that being a relationship and s*x expert might be a little fun, but...

Sorry, excuse me.

A what expert?

(LIV CHUCKLES)

Ohhh!

(KISSING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(CHUCKLES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(PANTING)

Sasha: Play it again, Sam.

(GASPS)

Sam?

Guy you're secretly pretending I am, or a vision?

A vision. A clue.

Then where were we?

So, who's the guy?

Hmm?

Lowell Tracey.

Oh? Broody musician.

Not your usual type.

But, you know, you're not the usual Liv, are you?

You're looking at the new normal, sister.

Well, if you're happy, I'm happy for you.

Even though I still think you belong with someone else.

Enough about me.

Who have you been sailing with lately and how big is his boat?

(CHUCKLES) Wow. A size joke, really?

Oh, gosh, you've changed. Um...

Actually, the harbor is empty.

I mean, there's this startup guy Alex who keeps calling, and I'm supposed to meet up with Paolo when the Sounders get back from Germany.

Shannon Hargens still asks me out every time I kick his ass in court. (CHUCKLES)

Honestly though, I would rather kick ass in court than see any of them.

Sasha: Give a guy some direction.

If you're too shy to tell him where he can and can't put it, you can't complain if it goes where you don't want it to go.

What's up?

We've been in here for an hour and 41 minutes. Do I really have to ask again?

Is she or is she not dating someone?

A tech wunderkind, a professional soccer player, and a future supreme court justice.

So she's still looking.

Straight talk?

I don't think you and Peyton work.

True, you like a challenge and Peyton is certainly that, but she dates guys you'd find in a "most eligible bachelors on the planet" catalog, if such a thing existed.

And you don't think I'd be featured in the pages of Hunks Quarterly?

Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks like Victoria's Secret model.

Liv, I'm a tall doctor with fantastic hair and a British accent.

But to hear you tell it, she's out of my league.

I mean, I don't even need to be this attractive.

It's just icing.

Besides, Peyton and I, we had a moment.

I'm sure that's how it seemed, but I've known Peyton since college, and literally, every man who's ever met her thought that they had a moment.

I've been a witness to all those poor guys who liked a challenge.

I've watched them approach her table, full of hope. I've seen her turn them into dust.

She's been asked out so much, she doesn't bother with niceties.

Just trying to help.

Thank you.

You know, I, uh...

I rescind all inquiries into the subject.

You know, I'm a grown man who knows a moment when he experiences one.

Oh, and my "distant parents"?

They're fairly certain I put the moon in the sky.

This brain you're on? She's a bit of an ass.

Thanks for the straight talk.

Liv: The good thing about being forced to listen to hours of a relationship show?

It cuts down on the awkward silence after you've just done possible irreparable damage to a relationship of your own.

Man: The blues? Y'all come on down to S'il Vous Plaît Beignet...

Woman: (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) It's high time you experience the warmth of our Southern hospitality.

Man: Piping hot coffee...

I'll go see Clive.

Chuck's mail-order gymnast has an alibi.

A dozen witnesses who saw her at a "Booty Boot Camp."

You look like you've got something.

Listen to this.

It's a commercial that ran last week during Great Morning s*x. I've got it cued up.

Man: Got those rainy day blues?

Y'all come on down to S'il Vous Plaît, Beignet...

Woman: It's high time you experience the warmth of our Southern hospitality.

Man: Piping hot coffee...

That woman's voice...

It's Cheated On In Chattanooga!

They should be able to tell us at the radio station who recorded it.

Sorry. Radio. Where even a memorial broadcast comes with a deadline and six commercial breaks.

Did those last audio files help?

Listen for yourself.

Oh, my God. That's Cheated On In Chattanooga.

I should have recognized the voice.

So who recorded it? An ad agency?

Usually, but this time it was Kaley.

The assistant?

She did the temp track.

We mock ads up to pitch new customers, but Kaley's Southern accent was so good, the Beignet people just kept her in the finished product.

You don't think Kaley...

Do you know where Kaley is now?

Uh, home, I guess. It's her day off.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Detectives?

What do you want?

I don't know about him, but I'd like to experience "the warmth of some Southern hospitality."

Ms. Taylor, where were you at the time of Sasha's murder?

I was on a coffee run getting Sasha's emergency soy vanilla latte.

You have a receipt? Can anyone place you there? A barista?

I was in the car, on my way there, listening to the show.

When I heard the commotion, I turned around and I drove back.

So at the time of the murder, you say you were driving around on an errand that you didn't complete, during which no one saw you?

That also gave you plenty of time to call in as Cheated On In Chattanooga.

What? What...

What makes you think I...

Man: Hey, babe.

Everything okay?

"Play It Again, Sam."

What makes us think you're Cheated On In Chattanooga?

We have a recording of you doing a Southern accent in a commercial.

The boys at the police lab matched your voice to the Cheated calls.

We also have an eyewitness to the affair between Sasha and this man.

You were discreet, huh?

You had motive and opportunity.

You told the whole world you were gonna murder Sasha.

I knew you were never gonna let it go.

Kaley Taylor, you're under arrest for the murder of Sasha Arconi.

Sam and I were going through a rough time last year.

He got drunk at a work party and Sasha seduced him.

Cheated On In Chattanooga just seemed like a good way to mess with her head, get even, without ruining my career.

That's all it was.

You didn't think anybody would recognize the same fake accent you used in the Beignet ads?

I'm from South Carolina, that "fake accent," (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) that's my real voice, y'all.

And no, I didn't think anyone was gonna remember an ad that aired exactly once before the bakery folded a year ago.

The ad aired last week. We've got it on tape.

For a business that doesn't exist?

I highly doubt it.

So when you found out your husband and your boss were having these trysts, you said nothing to her? You just hatched this elaborate plan?

If I had confronted Sasha directly, she would have blackballed me in the industry, like she did to Jane.

Sasha blackballed Jane?

When she found out Jane was sending out tapes, Sasha ran her down to the station managers in every top 100 market in the country.

Liv, she's right about S'il Vous Plaît, Beignet.

According to Yelp, they shut their doors last year.

The only way that ad gets on the recording is if Jane plants it there.

She wanted us to put it together.

Sasha destroyed Jane's career.

Jane wanted to kill her.

Kaley's on-air death threat gave her the perfect opportunity.

Where's Jane now?

At the station, hosting Sasha's memorial broadcast.

She's finally getting her big break.

Good evening and welcome. I'm Jane Bowman.

Tonight we'll be celebrating the life and work of Sasha Arconi, who is gone too soon.

Sasha made us a community.

A mutual support system. A sisterhood, linked by one voice.

I hope you'll stick with me as I do my best to take the show into its second decade.

Give us a call here. Let's get it all out there.

Line One, you're on the air. What are you going to miss most about Sasha?

Caller 1: Everything, 'cause you suck.

I know emotions are running high, but let's try to keep things positive.

Line two.

(SNORING LOUDLY) (HANGS UP)

Jane: So, this must be how substitute teachers feel.

Looks like my tenure here won't be quite as long as I'd hoped, I'll leave you, her adoring public, with this.

Sasha didn't care about our problems.

Sasha cared about Sasha. During commercials, she'd laugh at the crazies who called in.

She slept with our boyfriends and our husbands.

And when I decided I wanted to live my dream of being in front of the mic instead of behind it, she destroyed my chances with every station manager on the West Coast.

I was her biggest fan, and she killed my dreams.

Well, I hope there's radio in hell and I hope you're listening, Sasha.

Because you can go...

Jane Bowman.

You're under arrest for the murder of Sasha Arconi.

Any last words for Sasha's fans?

Jane Lynch: Bitch, get a clue!

(SHOWER RUNNING)

I'm heading over to Lowell's place.

Peyton: Yeah, won't wait up.

(SHOWER STOPS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING AND VIBRATING)

Oh, Ravi.

Peyton: Hey, can you get that for me? I'll be out in a sec.

Peyton's phone.

Liv?

Is, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) I'd like to speak to Peyton.

Hi, Ravi. Yeah, I'll, um, get her.

It's Ravi.

Who?

(WHISPERING) My boss, from the morgue.

(WHISPERING) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. British guy.

Hi.

Liv: It's bad enough that I've spent the past few days dispensing the advice of a hypocrite.

If I don't get out of here in the next three seconds, I'm gonna witness a train wreck.

Let this be a lesson. Stay out of people's business.

Keep your advice to yourself. - Hey, Liv.

Um, your boss just, uh...

You should say yes.

Is that weird for you?

Do it.

Um, yes. That... That sounds great.

Liv: Okay. So the pledge to keep my advice to myself didn't last long.

Maybe I'm too reticent on the advice front. What would I say?

Ravi, never listen to me again.

You are too selfless, too wrapped up in saving me.

Chill out. Slow and steady wins the race.

I can't have you burning out.

Argh! Argh!

Liv: Because without you, I'm nothing.

And, Major, don't lose sight of who you are.

You are sweetness and light.

That's who I fell in love with, the next girl will fall in love with.

Don't pile tragedy on tragedy.

And what advice would you give yourself, Liv?

Would you even take it?

(ALARM BEEPING)

How about trying to live in the moment for once?

Being grateful for the simple pleasures.

You don't need to know why you feel good.

Just enjoy the ride.

Jerome!

Settle down, Jerome.

It's not a long ride.

(GASPS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS)