02x03 - No Scrubs

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Should we get a coffee before we go?

I already had one.

Oh, wait. Cindy Crawford's at valet.

Oh, yeah.

She's so pretty.

I feel like I'm just gonna go say "hi" really fast.

Uh, do you know her?

Well, I mean, I...

Yeah, I know her, she sent me her book.

Okay, that sounds legit.

Cindy.

Hi.

How are you?

Oh, you look so beautiful.

It's great to see you.

Thank you.

Do you eat here a lot?

Um, first time, actually.

I love this place.

I have your book.

That's so nice. Thanks for buying it.

No, no...

I really appreciate that.

No, you sent... You sent me your book.

You wrote me a... Like, a very personal note.

Such a nice handwritten... Did you not write that note?

I probably approved it or something, you know.

Oh, you approve... Oh, okay.

But anyway, how'd you like it?

I learned so many things.

Really?

Like, what was your takeaway?

Well, that's a hard question, 'cause...

You just said you learned so many, though.

So many. Um, you know.

The cooking, and about, like, skin care.

There's no cooking.

Of course there was, there was like that whole...

What was interesting was, you know, I can relate to the whole mole thing.

You can?

Yes, because I mean, my moles, I was always...

What, where?

What are you talking about?

I have these two moles here. These bad boys.

Remember, when you were a kid, you always wanted to get rid of those moles.

You always said moles are so ugly.

I thought about taking them off, but you know what?

I didn't think that would be right to mess with my body, like, I don't want to do work, you know what I mean?

I just, I... I really stand for "naturality."

Really?

Hmm.

Oh, sorry, I was just distracted by your fake boobs.

I don't know what just happened, oh, my God.

(man) Erin, how's your dating life going?

My dating life is really on an upswing.

A big upswing.

Life is getting a lot better now that you're dating Zach Braff.

Oh, name-dropper over here.

Other people see Zach, they see a celebrity.

But you don't?

"Garden State."

"Scrubs."

I just see a boy, standing in front of a girl, trying to love her.

♪♪

All right, you got all your goodies?

Yes, thank you so much for all the gifts.

Sure.

And the flowers.

Uh, hey. There you go.

Thank you. It's a Land Rover.

Dating Zach, I realized he's just not what I expected.

I kinda thought he was gonna be, like, just out of reach, kind of like a player, but he's been really sweet.

Calls me, you know, like, every day.

He wants to meet my friends.

Sometimes I'm like, we're not married, slow down.

God forbid he acts like he's into you.

You look beautiful in your horizontal stripes.

Thank you.

You never looked more beautiful since I met you.

Thank you.

So sweet, you're always so sweet.

Always so sweet.

Sorry, it's annoying when you just keep...

You're, like, rubbing one spot.

Sorry.

Why can you not handle it when guys are nice to you?

I have really low self-esteem.

Learning that right now, as I say it.

I've always known that.

♪♪

Erin!

Look at all this stuff that was outside for you.

Your man is into you, you're welcome.

We get it, Zach.

I'm feeling the romance.

What's your problem with him now?

He's, just, like, into me, and, like, nice to me and, just, like, romantic, and, like, emotionally available.

It, like, doesn't make sense.

Erin, as your manager, let me tell you, get through all these issues.

I have a lot of meetings set up for you and I need you to have your head in the game.

It's just, like, be normal already.

Normal is, like, Google pictures of my sister in a bikini, like, that's the (bleep) I'm used to.

This stuff is, like, out of my comfort zone.

My baggage is, like, an airport full, it's sad.

Don't talk crap on Zach.

Do not mess it up for either one of us.

What's this have to do with you?

Oh, he's gonna take me to the Vanity Fair party, 'cause you didn't wanna go.

I do wanna go.

Oh, I told him you didn't, so I'm going with him.

You know, it's not important.

What's most important is my celebrity.

I'm gonna take it to the next level.

I am joining a new squad.

Nowadays, if you surround yourself with the right women, squad, it bumps you up that much higher.

♪♪

You guys, I am so excited to be having lunch with you all.

I have been really looking at a bunch of different squads and this is the squad that I wanted to be a part of.

I am so excited!

You know, it's about supporting each other.

It's just really a time for women.

Totally.

And that's something that we really celebrate and we really came together with that.

Squads, they stand for women empowerment.

It's all about including other women, making other women feel good, uplifting them.

I'd love to join that squad, it sounds awesome.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not...

It's not for people like you.

Hmm.

One, two, three.

Hi.

Thank you.

All right, I'll text this out.

Oh, God, I need highlights.

Has anyone gotten to Tracy Cunningham this week?

Sara, just give us a moment.

We like to post what we're doing at brunch before we actually have brunch.

Oh, God, of course.

I have so much business going on, too, I just wanted to, like, leave it at home to just, you know, squad out.

Okay, I'm starving, I'm so hungry.

Sara, we're networking, and we also like to help each other with all our social media, so that it works together so we can promote our brands.

Yeah.

You had me so worried there for a second, I thought you thought we were, like, hanging out here.

No!

What do you mean? Who has time for that?

Actually, and can you guys hashtag my cookbook?

"Kitchen Revelry," R-E-V-E-L-R-Y, AliLarter.com.

Oh, wait, will you guys do me a favor and hashtag Rolex?

Well, I just did Louis Vuitton, so...

That's good, that's good for us.

Sara, so what product do you want us to hashtag?

You know, uh...

Do you have a brand or... ?

You do have a brand, right?

Sara, what's your hashtag?

Sorry, what?

What's your hashtag?

Okay, I know you told me never to show up here unannounced, but...

Yeah.

Sorry, but this is very important.

I need a brand to endorse me.

Everyone in my squad has a brand.

What about a beauty, like a lipstick?

Lipsticks are kinda for the...

(clicking tongue)

Let me look at the roster.

Okay.

Airline, that feels too big.

There's a bottled water company, but you're too old.

Yeah.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, okay.

Okay.

How about...

Fresh Lakes vaginal wipes?

Mmm.

I mean, that's you.

Mm-hmm.

Is that like a... Like a douche?

Mm-hmm. - Like a douche?

Like a wipe. Like a douche wipe.

Yes.

I can't talk about it more without HR coming in.

So, I mean, you know.

(laughing)

I don't think you're understanding.

Keep scrolling, let's keep scrolling.

Okay, okay.

Um... Okay.

Oh.

You like cars.

Yes.

You like driving.

Jaguar.

Gettin' around.

Yeah.

Tire Queen.

Problem solved.

If you're willing to take that squad, you could show up there with a bunch of people.

They've got a store opening in Whittier.

They'll pay you a bunch of money if you live-tweet it.

I was just thinking along the lines of...

Rolex and Lululemon and...

They... are not thinking along the lines of you?

Maybe you want to try the products?

Hey, Daria, Sara Foster needs a Tire Queen shirt and a package of the vaginal wipes!

Can you stop saying Sara Foster needs vaginal wipes?

♪♪

(door opening)

Okay, I have to talk to you about something.

This has been literally the worst day of my life.

Okay, so we'll just do your thing first.

Uh, yes.

Great.

Uh, are you aware that in order to join a powerful squad, you have to have some sort of product?

So I went to the network.

This is what they have for me.

You know what these are? Vaginal wipes.

Have you ever even heard of this?

Something to, like...

No, I've never heard of those.

Okay, Abbey said that you have these.

Okay, I have something really important to talk to you about.

Let's not make this about you right now.

Well, I'm pregnant, so.

Oh...

Oh my God!

Yeah.

Erin!

I know. It's there, I did a test.

It's, like, the real thing.

This is good news.

This is...

Yeah, it is.

I'm so happy for you, Erin.

Having a celebrity's baby.

It might be.

Hmm?

What do you mean it might be a celebrity baby?

I, like, had full intercourse also with, like, this, like, random valet guy.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

All right, well, I'm not gonna tell you what you should do, but you can't have a valet's baby, so...

(clicking tongue)

Do what?

I don't feel comfortable saying it, but, like, I have my guy.

(exhaling)

What were you thinking when you slept with a valet Parker?

He was just so rude to me.

Hey, yo, what's up, Erin?

And dismissive.

The flowers are nice, but they're a little wilted.

Maybe a little dead.

And, like, treated me like a piece of garbage.

You shouldn't do horizontal stripes, though, Erin.

Then I was like, ugh, this like, feels comfortable.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

We have to figure out who the father of this baby is.

With Ryan, the valet guy, we only had sex once, but I, like, can't remember if we used a condom or not.

You're gonna text him and you're gonna find out like an adult.

Dear valet... What's his name again?

Ryan!

Ry... I knew that.

Just write, "Hey, it's me, the slutty blonde you banged the other day?"

Hmm, then he'll remember me.

Should I use an emoji?

Eggplant, raincoat, question mark?

That could work.

"Hey, did we use a condom?" Send, done.

Oh, my God.

You know, I got myself into a bad situation, but the universe is talking to me and saying, Erin, this is what's right for you.

You're put on this earth to have children.

So, I really hope Zach is my baby daddy.

Definitely want it to be Zach's.

Okay.

He's really, really sweet.

Having Zach Braff's baby is plan A.

Having the valet's baby... is planned parenthood.

So basically, if he says that we used a condom, it's Zach's baby.

(phone alert)

Oh, he just wrote back!

Please don't be the valet's baby.

Condom, we used a condom.

We used a condom!

Yes!

You're gonna be a mommy!

Whoa... That's a weird thing to say.

It's true.

I mean, the latest is the website, you know, like, before, I was kinda, like, edgy, and now I'm thinking of going more All-American.

I don't know.

All-American.

Do you think so?

Those blue eyes, honey, yes.

I don't know what the next step is.

I don't know why you guys would be taking any steps when you could be driving.

Drive, drive, drive.

Driving, you know, like, in a car, with tires.

For sure you're trying to push up your little product on this.

(woman) Wait, is that what's happening?

It's a lot of pressure having a brand to endorse, but I know I can do it, because, I mean, I can sell anything.

Honestly, I wouldn't even take Louis Vuitton if they called.

I don't want them.

Oh, my God, I just got an e-mail from Louis Vuitton.

Not wanting you.

No, they want to work with you.

Shut up.

Yeah, would you do it?

(bleep) yeah.

It's just (bleep) Jerry on Instagram, but now you're a liar.

Do you love lifetime warranties?

Because I love a lifetime warranty.

(woman) Why are you talking about driving so much?

Wait, do you have, like, a car endorsement?

(woman) Girl, is it a car?

Tire Queen.

(woman) Stop it right now.

I feel like everybody I know got offered that job and turned it down.

I think my assistant turned that down.

I can't, the... the idea of it stinks.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Do you have something?

(talking over one another)

I do.

I should always bring some...

You're the best. You're so helpful.

Oh, my God.

Is it coming off?

Just a little bit, yeah.

What is this?

It smells amazing.

Let me smell.

It does.

I, like, wanna wear it.

Sara, what is this?

It's just... it's just one of my wipes.

It smells really good.

Isn't that incredible?

And clean.

What is that?

Wait, can I see?

I want one.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

(talking over one another)

It like, reminds me of, like, summer.

I know.

Mmm.

Ugh, so good.

It feels refreshing, too.

I feel, like, vibrant again.

It's like, I just want it everywhere.

Wait, let me see this.

Fresh Lake?

That's a vaginal wipe.

That is disgusting.

Are you joking me right now?

Okay, technically, it is a wipe for your vag*na, but...

(woman 2) Oh, my God.

As you can all see, it's very healing to your face.

Why did you let us put this on our face?

Sara, I think you should go.

Okay, here is the thing: I did promise Tire Queen that at least two girls from my squad would be coming to the opening in Whittier, so I mean who... who... Who is it? Will you still come?

Okay.

Next Th... Okay. I don't...

Hi.

You look so pretty.

Thanks, no, I was just thinking about you and I and it's just been really nice.

L.A. can be so lonesome.

It's nice to have someone just to connect with.

Yes.

I just feel so close to you.

I feel like we're a family.

We are.

You know?

We are. Want wine?

Red, white, you wanna pick?

Um, I'm not gonna drink today.

Baby, you always drink so much.

I know, I just feel like I should hold off.

That's bizarre.

Anyway, I was just...

When I was outside, I saw this little girl and she... she stopped me and she went like this, and I was like...

Did she need help?

We just had a connection, I instantly thought, hmm, I'm pretty maternal.

Oh, that's great, you want to have kids one day, huh?

I do.

Yeah.

What do you...

Well, not soon.

But you know, I do want to adopt, I love children and, uh...

It's always great to adopt after you've had your own kids, which brings me to the next topic.

Go ahead.

Which, I think you're gonna be over the moon about.

Can't wait.

We're... We're pregnant.

You and me.

What are you talking about?

We're pregnant, we're having a baby.

For real.

Um, okay, well, here's something I...

I haven't told you, 'cause the...

You already have kids.

No, I had a vasectomy.

I had a vasectomy.

No, you didn't.

Uh, I did, I did.

In fact, four years ago, I had a vasectomy.

I'm... I'm all tied up down there.

There's...

That's not true.

I would know if you had had a vasectomy.

Well, you wouldn't.

It's not something you can feel, uh...

Yeah, you can, you (bleep) in me.

Okay, well...

What happens is there's the stuff that comes out.

I hate that stuff.

Okay.

All I know is that we've been sleeping together and I'm pregnant, so...

You're not pregnant with my...

There's no way you are pregnant with my child.

It means you've been (bleep) somebody else.

Mm-hmm.

How many people are you sleeping with?

How many people are you sleeping with?

I'm not sleeping with anyone.

Well, why?

We had a talk about exclusivity.

Yeah, we did. That's true.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, then I guess this is a perfect opportunity 'cause you want to adopt children and now you can raise someone else's child.

Erin, are you out of your mind?

You think that I'm going to, like, raise a stranger's child that you had sex with while we were supposed to be exclusive?

That's ludicrous.

He's not a stranger.

You've met him before.

He's the valet guy at that restaurant.

It's the Land Rover, right?

Be better if you went and got...

Yeah, it's a Land Rover.

Just get the car.

Be right back.

You know him?

No, do you?

You slept with the valet?

Well, that's rude.

He's just a person with a job.

In a car?

No, in a house.

So the child that you're having is the valet guy's child.

He has a name, his name is Ryan.

I am not gonna raise Ryan's child.

So you're not as good of a person as you say you are.

Oh, my God.

Well, are you a good guy or are you not?

I'm a very good guy and I'm such a good guy that I'm gonna leave and not scream at a woman who has a child.

Good luck.

Oh, cute. What a d*ck.

Glad I'm not having his baby.

Listen, it's not what I was expecting, but the truth is, I'm at the point in my life where I will embrace this with responsibility and respect and love.

I'm ready to be a mom, with Ryan's baby.

I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna tell him, I'm on board.

But everyone in this room feels very firmly about what the next step should be, which is obviously for me to make Tire Queen sexy.

What?

I'm gonna show those women.

They're gonna be lining up for my tires.

There are no Bentleys without my tires.

I don't know if it's really about you right now.

It is.

It really isn't.

This, like, might be the one time it's not.

Okay, so you're four hours late.

Now we're closed.

So it's sort of pointless. Do you see... ?

Then why does your sign say open?

That's funny. Where's your squad?

Uh...

You promised me Ali Larter.

Yeah.

A couple other celebrities. Where are they?

I'm here.

I'm sorry, who is this?

Part of the squad.

First of all, I'm the celebrity, so you've got my face.

What else do you really need?

Hot face, too.

Okay, they were busy.

Celebrity is a generous word for you, Um...

You should be thanking me that I'm even here.

(Abbey) Yeah.

I'm in Whittier, okay?

Do you know that my navigation couldn't even find Whittier?

Well, you know, I started this business, so, um, if you're just gonna (bleep) on it, then I guess we're done here.

I'm not (bleep) on it, I'm just...

Well, yes, I... I am (bleep) on it, actually.

All right, I don't think this is working out, so I'm gonna take this back.

Excuse me?

And you're fired. So this is... We're done.

Perfect.

Don't touch her like that.

All right.

Clear out, okay? Thank you.

Oh, my God.

That was so aggressive.

Erin, Erin, Erin, baby!

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, there you are. My angel.

What are you... What are you doing here?

Whoa, how did you find me?

We're doing this.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, wait, I just talked to you and you were at work.

Why aren't you at work?

I took a car and I came. I had to be here.

It's about you and me now.

We're... We're a family. I love you.

You stole a car?

Oh, my God, I love you.

No, I'll give it back, I just borrowed it.

Oh, my God.

I think it's kicking.

Is it...

I don't think so yet.

Okay, you can get up.

What's... ?

Wait.

What's the problem?

Hold on, I'm sorry.

I need to go to the bathroom for one second.

I'll be right back.

Okay, all right.

I love you.

I'm gonna be a dad!

(Ryan) Mom, I'm... I'm excited, yeah.

No, her last name is like Faster of F... some Factor.

She's super sweet, I think you're gonna like her.

I'm... I'm still getting to know her, but...

Ladies?

Okay.

It turns out, not pregnant.

How are you not pregnant?

I just got my period.

Okay, I know.

Didn't you take a pregnancy test?

I think that I'll probably want to name it, like, Monster or something.

Did you not take a pregnancy test?

I did take a pregnancy test, several, I got them from your bathroom and they all said positive.

Did you get them from under my sink?

Yeah, why?

Oh, my God, Erin, those are my false positives.

Who has false positive pregnancy tests?

I do, I do.

A lot of people.

I'm a smart woman who gets what I want.

When my husband is pissing me off, I just flash one of those sticks.

I'm pregnant!

Then he feels bad, and he forgives me.

And then where does he think the baby goes?

Well, I just say, like, "Oh, I got my period," and he's like, "Oh, bummer."

It's actually genius.

It's very "Gone Girl."

You can talk to her right now.

It's my mom, she's so excited, she's so excited.

Oh, my God.

No, hold on. Um, end, sorry.

Okay, we should talk about something.

We have so much to talk about by the way.

We really do.

Where are we living? Where are we gonna live?

Um, I... Turns out I'm not pregnant.

What was all the kicking I felt, though?

I'm serious, like, I... I could feel it.

I was just... That was cramps or something.

Did you know about this?

No, no, no, no.

I...

Look, I would love to keep trying?

Keep trying?

And we could try to have a baby.

I'm not ready for a baby, so I think that, like, we're just in different...

We could take it slow, we'll take it slow.

What the hell are you doing?

Get out of here!

We're gonna get out!

Go!

We are back to where we started.

And I kind of thought that karma might, like, come to kick me in the butt, but it totally didn't.

Yet again, I can kind of, like, do whatever I want.

That's the lesson here, I think.

You looked pregnant, though.

What?

Those...

Your ankles got a little bigger, it was weird.

It was, like, mentally, you were making your ankles cankly.

But you're pretty.

But you are old.

And unmarried. And you are childless.

Okay, thank you for being clear about that.

So it's not looking good.

This season's dark.

(laughing)

Why would my husband cheat on me?

It is sort of on you for hiring a hot nanny.

Let's release the video from the nanny cam.

How do you think you would feel if she showed everybody your naked body?

I actually wouldn't be bummed about that, 'cause I have a great body.

I haven't felt this way for a long time.

Hey, Pop.

Oh, my son.

How do I do the father-son swap?

That's not a thing.

Are you unhappy?

It's hard to be happy with someone who's sending me so many messages about being unhappy.

Are you (bleep) nuts?