02x04 - Death of a Relationship

♪♪

Oh, Brooke.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good, how are you?

I am such a huge "Dancing With the Stars" fan.

I love it.

Really?

It's, like, my favorite show.

And I've been sending my tapes for two years now.

And I just haven't heard anything, so I was wondering, like, is this, did I offend you?

Are you serious? I... no, I got fired from that show, like, two years ago?

Oh.

But you must still be in, like, touch with, like, casting directors, producers...

Um... I'm perfect for the show.

Well...

Like, I don't think you understand.

Can I just show you that I am, I can get my leg all the way up here.

Have you danced before?

Were you a dancer as a kid?

I'm very flexible.

They need a story.

The producers are always looking for someone with a compelling story.

Right.

Well, I wish I could help you.

So, you really don't...

I just...

You're really not friends with anyone?

I'm really not in touch, I mean, I...

What about Julianne Hough? You know her, do you know her?

I do, but she's off the show, too.

Yeah, she was really good.

She was great on that show.

What about Derek?

Um...

He's cute.

You know what, Derek's gone, too.

So, if you really love the show, you might wanna, you know, check it out and, um...

Who's left?

Yeah, well, exactly.

Are you riding?

What? No, I'm not... I don't, I don't sweat in front of... normal people.

You know, I have a pretty great marriage.

You, like, send me text messages saying, "I'm having s*x right now and I'm so bored.

Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

Okay, that's sexting.

I mean, if you were to look on my Instagram, you would see that, like, we're very happy.

But what about, like, in real life?

It could be worse.

I think that's a good tagline for anyone's relationship...

"Could be worse."

Why would my husband Brian cheat on me with the nanny?

I, I mean this is insane.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

No, it's crazy.

You know what? I should've, I should've seen this coming.

Patty has always been a little weird to me.

Like, she's always paying way more attention to the kids than she is to me.

It is weird a nanny that pays so much attention to the kids.

I am so smart. How did I not see this?

I have to find out from the nanny cam in the dolphin?

Well, that's a bear.

Yeah, that's a bear.

How long have you had this?

I don't know.

What are you worried about?

Just, you know, keeping inventory on... the home.

How many times do you think Abbey's laid in your bed naked?

I don't get it, I am famous.

I'm rich, I'm powerful.

I'm the mother of his children.

Well, that part is true.

It is sort of on you for hiring a hot nanny.

Patty's really pretty.

She's not that pretty.

She's pretty.

You know what, it doesn't even matter.

Because I'm gonna use this tragedy to my advantage.

Scandal is a very interesting thing.

It can make your life horrible.

Or you can use it to your advantage.

You're in the press a lot more when there's scandal, so that's always a good time to show how...

Okay, but aren't you, like, sad at all that your marriage is, like, falling apart?

Of course I'm sad, but I'm also, you know, looking at the positivo side.

Like, you could, you know, get on "Dancing With the Stars."

You could do, like, a "20/20" tell-all.

You are so strong.

I think that's what we're all thinking right now is just how strong you are.

Hi.

Hey, I just heard.

Are you okay?

I am fine.

I just can already see it now.

I mean, to my "People" tell-all.

It's, like, Oprah, it's gonna be a whole thing.

Oprah stays away from scandals now.

s*x scandals aren't really her thing anymore.

(exhaling)

Oh, shoot, I'm, like, gonna be late to this lunch with Jonathan.

I thought we were going to lunch.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot.

I booked the lunch already.

Oh, look at you.

Is that my bag?

This is mine.

I was on a waiting list for three years to get that bag.

Where did you get that bag?

Jonathan got it for me.

He's, like, loves to give gifts.

Ohh... and that's why you do it with him.

No, no, are you guys insane?

Is that Gucci?

You have a Gucci cashmere coat and a Mark Cross bag.

He's the head of a studio, okay?

Listen, I'm down, I'm... you are...

You're doing what every other girl in L.A. does.

I get it, it's fine.

No.

I don't really think about that stuff.

That stuff's not important to me.

I just think of him as, like, sweet Jonathan.

Sweet Jonathan.

People think that they know what your motives are.

So, like, for me, I genuinely just like someone, like...

I don't think about how rich or important they are.

I literally just think, oh, my gosh, what a great personality.

These are all just life lessons.

I should write a book.

About yow to be a, a gold digger?

That's not the title I would go with.

"Gold Digging for Dummies."

No.

"Gold Digging for Middle-aged Dummies."

This is a good guy.

No, you have to go, I'm so sorry.

He could do a lot for you.

My driver's waiting for me.

Oh, you... your driver?

No, he's not my driver.

He's just a guy who's gonna drive me to lunch.

How old is Jonathan? Like, 40?

50?

He's, like, young and free and cool and, he's just like...

He's a great guy.

♪♪

I haven't felt this way... for a long time.

That's sweet.

It's just so great that we're finally meeting each other.

You know?

And you two.

Have you ever seen her so happy?

Really haven't.

Ever, right?

She seems so...

Come on, baby.

Oh, look at that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Look at that.

May I?

Yeah, please.

Did you guys see "The Bachelor" on Monday night?

Excuse me?

Did you, um, do you watch... you don't watch "The Bachelor," do you?

What is it?

"The Bachelor" this year?

No, I don't know that.

Oh.

It's, like, a good dating show.

A dating show?

Mm-hmm.

Look at you with all these ladies.

Hey, Pop.

Hey, oh, my son, my handsome boy.

Oh.

Benj.

How are you, buddy?

You know who this must be?

Oh, my God, she's even more beautiful than you said.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Erin.

Lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

And her dear friends.

Hi, Dylan.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

I love that blue sweater, by the way.

It's, it's lovely.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi, Tracy.

Just, uh, I got 20 minutes.

I gotta...

He has his office next door.

He's a lawyer.

You look so young to be an attorney.

Well, I had him young, you know what I mean?

Great genes.

You know when you get... a new phone and it feels, like, really exciting and new and fresh and, like, fun and cool.

And then, like, literally six months later they come out with a new one and you look at your phone and you're, like, oh, my God, you're so old and your buttons are weird and, like, nothing makes sense and you're, like, bulky and, like, ugh, I need something new.

That's how I felt when Ben walked in.

Jonathan: Did you clean?

Oh, no, sorry, Dad.

I'll take some of that, too.

You always gotta spray.

Yeah, I know.

Ben: She's incredible.

Told you.

I know.

Are you gonna eat your persimmons?

Uh, please, I'll share them with you.

So, Jonathan and I were having lunch.

His son, Ben, showed up.

Whoo!

Ben is a smoke show.

I met Ben and it was, like, the earth moved.

Okay, Ben is not gonna want his dad's sloppy seconds.

We never slept together.

I didn't tell you guys that, but we didn't.

both: He couldn't get it up?

I mean, like, what's the rule book for this?

How do I do the father/son swap?

That's not a thing.

Google that and just see.

Has anyone ever done it?

Nobody's ever done that.

By the way, cool to be a first.

Can we just talk about my slut nanny for a second?

It's weird... America loves her.

She's killing it.

The fact that all Patty has to do is screw my husband...

And all of a sudden, every story is about her and not me.

(man) Oh, it's the nanny.

Over here, right here, hey, hey.

Right here, right here, right here!

Sara: Who is buying into this?

People just eating this up.

She has almost half a million Instagram followers.

And the worst part about it is, I feel like "Dancing With the Stars," it's just, like... slipping away.

No-no-no, we can't let this happen.

We gotta do something about this.

Abbey, it's happening.

She's overshadowing you.

We can not let that happen to you.

We've worked so hard.

I've worked hard.

Yeah, but I've been learning moves that I get to teach you on the side.

When you're a celebrity, people try to attach themselves like leeches to stars like myself. - Mm-hmm.

And then they get a little bit of fame which is what we like to call in the biz "their 15 minutes."

Stay in your lane.

Sorry, are we talking about Patty or you?

Oh, I have a good idea.

Oh, good, Abbey, what's your good idea?

Pass.

You ready?

No.

Let's release the video from the nanny cam.

And the world's gonna think she's the biggest slut and that you're the victim.

I think that's the first good idea you've ever had.

Sara: It's a genius idea.

(man) Ohh...

man and woman: Ohh...

woman: Oh, yeah...

man: Wow...

woman: Oh, right there.

Slut.

man: It's been so long since I had s*x.

Okay, Abbey, we should've edited that last part out.

Oh... sorry.

But it looks like it doesn't really matter because there's, like, a million views of this thing.

I am so excited for America to see what a little slut Patty is.

Yeah.

And what a victim I am.

Yes.

I am the victim.

I'm gonna give them emotion.

Give it to them.

Get it from down there.

Get it... bring it up.

Erin: Jonathan is such a great guy.

And we're great together.

But I have, like, this limited amount of time with him because of his age, obviously.

So, then, in walks the younger version of Jonathan.

And it's almost like God looking down and saying, "Here, have Jonathan for longer."

So you wanna (bleep) Jonathan's son for Jonathan.

Yeah. I really love him.

Jonathan: My dear.

Erin: You know what I was just thinking about?

What was that?

Is just how happy you seemed when your son, Ben, showed up at lunch.

Ah, he's a great kid.

Great guy.

He's lovely, isn't he?

Really good guy.

Yeah.

You guys close?

We're very close.

Of course. I'm sure he has a hard time spending so much time with you 'cause he's probably, like...

I've helped him through some rough times.

... with his girlfriend all the time and...

Well... no.

He's really ready to get out there and meet somebody special.

He wants to meet someone special.

Yeah, like, what happened with you and me.

Right.

You know, relationships are complicated.

And I feel, like, you have been a little bit... I don't know, maybe, like, resistant or maybe...

What are you talking about?

Unhappy or...

Unhappy? I've never been happier in my life.

Really?

Can't you tell I'm happy?

No, you seem, like, hateful towards me almost.

Are you (bleep) nuts?

I'm, like, friends with all my exes 'cause I...

I execute this perfectly.

You can confuse someone so when they walk away, they go, "Did I just break up with her?"

Like, did we just mutually break up?

Did... is she made at me? Did I do something wrong?

And by the time they figure out their confusion, you've changed your number.

If you need, like, some space or if you need to do your own thing...

W-wait a second, There's a hidden message here or something.

Are you unhappy?

It's hard to be happy with someone who's sending me so many messages about being unhappy.

Like, I want you to be happy.

So, if you're not happy with me, I wanna let you go.

You're giving me a big headache.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm just trying to give you an opportunity, like, if you want an out, I want you to take the out, you know, 'cause you...

Wait a second.

Maybe we're not in the same place.

Maybe we're not.

Yes, yes, I'm so young.

You are.

I don't, I...

You don't need that in your life, it's embarrassing.

Wait a second, you know what?

To have some young, hot girlfriend.

You might be happier with someone else.

You know, I'm starting to make up my mind.

Something is not right here and I don't understand it.

Well, that breaks my heart to hear that.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

I just have to get back to being myself.

Start working out again.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get into power lifting.

Wow, you should do that.

I should.

And just, just to feel good.

(thunder rumbling, rain pattering)

I mean, this whole thing is crazy.

I mean, like, who dies of a heart attack?

Most people.

Really?

Don't blame yourself.

Don't blame yourself.

Okay, I wasn't.

Oh, well, you should, I mean...

(exhales) Oh, (bleep).

Well, I am very sorry for your loss.

(exhaling) Thanks.

Both romantically and professionally.

(gasping)


Ben: Hey.

Ben.

Beat it.

Ben, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, thank you so much for being here.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, my God, me too, I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so alone at the moment.

What?

I don't know any of these people.

Oh, my God, let's sit together.

I would love that.

Okay, 'cause, like, we have to grieve together.

You're like a rock, so strong.

Like, not a tear in your eye.

I'm just trying to hold it together, you know?

I just... so that you can let go.

This is kind of embarrassing.

I'm probably overstepping my marks, but...

What?

When we met, I kind of thought we had this crazy connection.

I was so attracted to you.

Excuse me.

Uh, yeah?

Hello, Ben.

Hi.

So good to see you.

Thanks for being here, padre.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You were just saying that you felt what?

It's Erin, right?

Yeah.

He loved you so much.

Would you say some words?

Would you come up with me No... to start the ceremony?

No, thank you.

It's what he wanted.

I would love that.

He really would, he would've loved it.

Follow me.

Okay, great.

I'll be right here.

Erin: Okay, thank you.

Great timing, you have.

Well, the Lord tells us when and we say yes.

(rain pattering)

Welcome, everyone.

Beloved family, friends.

It's come to my attention that in Jonathan's last moments, no star shined more brightly in his heart than that of dear Erin.

He loved her so much.

Erin?

Thank you, that's enough.

You're most welcome.

Thank you.

Uh, you know, hi, everyone.

I feel like the word "love" gets thrown around so much in our culture, you know, you always... you meet someone one day and you say, "Love ya."

You know, and I think that, you know, sweet, sweet, sweet Jonathan, my buddy... here, uh... oh, there we are.

Who brought those pictures? (laughs)

Did you do that?

He sent them to me.

That's... okay.

He showed them to me on his deathbed and while he was talking about how much he loved you.

Love is... you know, L-U-V.

It means so many things that are casual.

You know, for he and I as, as buddies, and, uh, those pictures keep coming. (gasps)

Anyway, really, the message he sent me from the other side, as soon as he left his body, was... move on, Erin.

I want you to be happy.

And find love with someone I love, someone I respect.

Just find your person.

'Cause you deserve that. He wanted that.

In conclusion, you know, I just wanna say that, uh, mourn together, really, 'cause no one grieves alone.

They say that grief is best to be done with another.

That you love who's age-appropriate.

I don't know if that's word-for-word what the Bible says, but it, you know, it's, it's... close-ish.

Erin: These were taken out of context.

Hi, should we, um, do the... get a coffee or a glass of wine or something?

You know, just seeing the two of you together, that...

Mm-hmm.

That passion, that's something that I want.

And the words that you said. - Mm-hmm.

So beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you, no, thank you.

You're like a second mother to me.

No.

I love you, Mom.

Will you be okay in the rain?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're the best.

(thunder rumbling)

You've got to be kidding me.

man: Dr. Phil, on location interview, action.

(long sigh)

Phil, this is... Oh, God, pinch me.

I couldn't think of a better way for me to really articulate how I feel.

Well, let's hear it.

Can I look into a camera directly?

Do people do that?

Yeah, you can try.

Um, this is Sara Foster here.

To all my fellow women.

I am really looking forward to, to sort of dancing my way through this.

You know what they say? Dancing is... it's like therapy.

You can find me on Instagram.

It's @lamSaraFoster. No "H."

And then my Twitter is, um...

Um, I've just gotta throw the bull(bleep) flag on this.

Uh, oh, forget.

Uh... what?

You're trying to sell some bull(bleep).

I just don't know what it is.

Oh, my God.

I don't do that. I am, like...

You took this tape of your husband having s*x with your nanny and embarrassed her in front of America.

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds... it sounds bad.

Are you sorry that you've shown everybody her naked body?

Not really, no.

Oh, my God.

Well, I... I mean, to be honest, you know, she did sleep with my husband, uh, yeah.

There's a heartbroken nanny.

She's sitting around right now because you've held her up to ridicule in America.

She is getting famous.

She has more Instagram followers.

She is on the "Daily Mail" every day.

Do you know how long I've been trying to get on "Daily Mail" every day?

She's on "Daily Mail" every day because you attack her.

But who cares? She's on there.

Well, how do you think you would feel if she showed everybody your naked body in front of America?

I actually wouldn't be bummed about that 'cause I have a great body. I'd be fine with that.

Well, maybe that's why you weren't afraid to slut shame her.

That's what we're talking about here, isn't it?

I feel like we're sort of... we're getting off track here.

Well, I think we're getting on track.

We're talking about the fact that you create this train wreck in your life, and then you go and slut shame her and throw him under the bus at the same time.

But, now that it's out, you know, I...

I really regret it.

You realize what you just said is, I'm not sorry I released it, I'm sorry I got caught.

Oh, I didn't say that.

If I said that, let's edit that part out.

Well, now, this is what we call my show.

This is what we call I control the tape.

All right, so you could edit it.

Yes, I could.

I could do that, yeah, I could also jump out that window.

But I'm not.

You're not sorry you released that tape at all, are you?

I really am sorry, Phil.

For what?

I should have never released the s*x tape of the nanny.

Why?

Because it's a violation of her... body.

But, like, it was in my house.

Since you wanna apologize...

So bad.

I know you do, and I'm here to serve.

Thank you.

I wanna be there for you.

And you are.

I've got someone here for you to apologize to.

Oh.

Uh, Patty, you wanna come in and join us?

What?

Phil: I've asked somebody to join us.

Patty, come on in.

Here.

You said you wanted to apologize.

Perfect.

Pattycakes, it's so good to see you.

How are you?

Oh, it is an honor to be here with you, Dr. Phil.

Well, you showed such courage.

I'm... it's inspired...

Such...

Excuse us.

... cour...

You've, you've shown such courage during this time.

And it's just inspired a lot of women.

It's been a really dark time for me.

I've been in a cave that I never thought I would get out of.

But my fans and my admirers... really dug me out of that... well with their bucket of love and...

Well, that's millions of buckets, I know.

Sara, I...

Yeah.

I just wanna say I forgive...

It's okay, Patty.

I forgive you.

Oh...

It's been really hard.

Where do you find the strength?

I know.

Where do you?

Where do you?

I know, thank you.

Where do you?

You know, um, I think it was Gandhi who said, uh, to forgive is to teach forgiveness.

Oh, really?

And I think that I'm gonna need all the strength I can get, um, for the next season of "Dancing With the Stars."

You're kidding?

No.

Oh, that is gonna be so much fun.

I know.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Oh, do you know who your partner is?

I think Scott Disick.

Sara: You know what they say, when one door closes, another window opens.

And the truth is, being on "Dancing With the Stars," it's not the right fit.

And also, you know how they say everyone's a winner.

Not in the case for you, you're a loser.

There's also that saying.

Don't make the father of the man you're in love with have a heart attack and die.

I wish that was a saying 'cause then I would've known not to do it.

But they say when you have family, you have it all.

That's not true.

Oh.

I don't... buy that.

That's definitely not true.

Okay.

I feel like our characters all have such great chemistry, right?

Kate Upton and I are co-stars in a movie.

I think you look amazing tonight.

Thank you.

I really think that this might be the one.

I'm gonna be the bachelor on the show "Prince Charming."

You realize that Kate Upton is treating you like an assistant?

Please.

Are you gonna sit in the back?

Oh, I, I'm so used to having a driver.

You're not going on "Prince Charming."

Surprise.

Agh.

This woman is an animal.