02x03 - Old School

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the labour market.

It's 50p a parcel so, if we do all these in the next hour, we'll have hit minimum wage for one person.

Let's move out, people. Number 43, bab. Go! Go! Go!

Lift with the knees.

If you bugger your back, I can't afford sick pay. Now move it!

Ooh. Comfortable, stylish shoes for the mature lady with glamour.

I'll take this one.

Good speed. If you keep this up, I'll promote you to the parcels that require signatures.

That's what I'd call a customer-facing role, if I was a prick.

Here. Number seven.

And watch out for that little yapping frigger in the front garden.

He needs a boot up his arse, that one.

Mum?

What?

I've got a little something for you, my love.

( Glass smashes )

I want to go to school.

What can you learn at school that you can't learn here?

Well, calculus for one.

I don't know about you but I want something more out of life than delivering packages for one-eighth of a minimum wage whilst wearing one of Grampy's cast off Aerobicise t-shirts.

Those are perfectly good t-shirts, Aretha.

I can smell your armpit odour on them, Grampy.

It's literally permeated the fabric.

That is not odour, Aretha. That is the noble musk of a real man getting his heart rate up to a healthy BPM.

None of that deodorant bollocks for me, mate.

School's going to let me know.

They're checking to see if they've got any spare places.

I must forewarn you, Aretha, Lowpark is not a good school or an improving school.

Ofsted commended them on their one chair per student target and that was about it.

I'm not expecting Dead Poet's Society but there will at least be textbooks and a science lab.

Mm. There's definitely a science lab.

I used to light my fags on the Bunsen burners.

( Phone beeps )

They'll be lucky to have you.

You'll raise the GCSE average by...

Well, to be fair, I don't know.

I learnt my statistics at Lowpark.

I'd help your mum out, but I'm a Lowpark boy, too.

♪ They're hard They're bad ♪
♪ They don't know how to add ♪
♪ Lowpark Boys Lowpark Boys! ♪

Hey, guys. This just in - Callum is coming over to meet you all.

My boo. My beau.

My beau-magnum man.

It will be like Guess Who's Coming to Dinner except you know who's coming to dinner and Sidney Poitier won't be here.

Well, I'm not buying any more oven chips so he'll have to share yours.

Mum, I've been making this relationship work for 72 hours.

This is his first official visit. Aren't you excited?

I never get excited during the first six months of any relationship.

It's very early days, Germaine.

When he's talked you through a bad acid trip, left a family wedding because you had a barney with an usher and taken you to Willenhall at 2am to buy Imodium, I'll take an interest, you get me?

( Phone buzzes )

That's Lowpark.

You can start tomorrow, Aretha.

Apparently some twat's been expelled for setting fire to his classmate's hair.

Classic Lowpark.

Hey, Aretha. Shall we wobble the ladder?

If you wobble that ladder, Germaine, I will come down there and wobble you.

Chill out, Mum. It's just some classic ladder japes.

Here you go.

Now, I'll get you some fancy threads from George at Asda when my pay cheque clears but, for now, you can have my old uniform.

Ooh.

Let's just see if...

Oh, yeah.

Always prepared.

( Della sighs )

Mm.

I tell you what, fags did taste better in the '90s.

( Toilet flushes )

I wouldn't hang around here if I were you.

There's one of Grampy's miasmas in there.

Head for the hills!

Ah, that takes me back.

Hey, I tell you what, Aretha, in 1964, I buried a teenth of very mellow Barbadian hash under the oak tree in the games field. It's yours if you find it.

Grampy, I'm not smuggling contraband.

It's a school, not a prison.

That's the ticket. Accentuate the positives, kidder.

Three quick pointers, re the fam - Mariah's quite bitey, don't lend money to Grampy and always maintain eye contact with Mum or you'll anger her.

Mum! Callum is here!

Ta-da!

Hello again, bab.

Oh.

You're a Lowpark boy.

♪ We're hard ♪
♪ We're bad ♪
♪ We don't know how to add... ♪

Tell you what, why don't you give us a minute here, Germaine?

So we can get to know each other.

I knew you two would hit it off.

You're like Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West.

Have fun.

Take a seat, bab.

Quickly now. I ain't got all day, petal.

It's not easy being the new guy, is it?

No. You could do with a friend. A powerful friend.

Would you like a powerful friend?

Yeah. Well, Aretha could use a friend at Lowpark tomorrow and I think you could be that friend, do you get me?

Get you. And, if Aretha has a friend at school, you might find you have a friend here. A powerful friend.

Are you feeling me?

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Callum. Come up to my boudoir.

I want to take you through the keyhole.

That had better be a metaphorical keyhole, Germaine.

Chill, Mum. It is totally a metaphorical keyhole.

Well, I think we're done here, petal.

Off you go.

You just keep your key away from that keyhole, eh?

And, Callum, good eye contact. Keep it up.

OK.

♪ Oh, here she comes ♪
♪ Watch out, boy She'll chew you up... ♪

Oh, hey, there, babycakes.

Come on in.

Let me show you around.

♪ Whoa, here she comes... ♪

This used to be my Lee shrine before he failed to return my sexual interest.

But it could be a shrine to you one day, if you put the work in.

No way, man.

We used to see the candles burning through your window but we just reckoned you were Satanists.

Oh, and this is Yoko.

I believe you know her as Tits. Oh.

Hi, man. I'm Callum.

Yeah, I remember you from when you used to chase me over Warstones Green with a shitty stick.

She's mourning the orang-utans or something.

She's kooky like that.

Come on. Up here.

Where the magic happens.

This is my diary so you can mug up on my back-story.

Ignore the graphic stuff about Lee.

Everything I wrote about him now applies to you.

Oh, and I do call you Lee's doinky goon but just ignore that.

There's a lot of words in here, Germaine. Yeah.

Recent highlights include June 11th, when I coin the phrase afterbath to describe that little bit of water that comes out of a lady about 20 minutes after she's got out of the tub.

Go on, start reading.

Oh, and Yoko might let out the odd sob from time to time but just ignore that.

We do.

I'd say you'd grow into it but you never would eat your greens.

I was 5'9" and a DD when I was 11 years old.

No wonder I was bullied.

You were bullied? Oh, yeah.

I was a passive bugger back then, Aretha.

Like that big one out Of Mice and Men, only with a prodigious set.

The first two years were hell and then, one day, I just grabbed the ringleader and wanged the smug little fucker over the fence.

That was the end of that.

I don't think I can wang anyone over a fence.

If I could I would definitely have done it to Germaine by now.

You'll be all right, don't worry.

Use that massive brain of yours to get yourself some muscle.

I'm tempted to enrol myself and be that muscle.

I could finally get that Maths GCSE.

But no, I won't.

It'll be worth it once you get your pieces of paper.

You could be the next Hillary Clinton.

You know, hated but also feared.

And what about that Davina McCall?

She's a powerful woman, with her exercise bikes.

And who's that one off the Dragons' Den?

You know, the one I can't stand.

She's loaded, that one. Yep.

Thank you, Grampy. Very encouraging.

You're welcome, kidder. Up the women.

Knock-knock. Eh, up.

Hiya, Dad. Thought you might need this.

As I recall, your mother ruined hers garrotting Danielle Drinkwater.

Drinkwater had it coming.

All right, Bob.

How's it hanging? Lowered any skips on any feet lately?

I think we'll let that one go, mate.

It was nine years ago.

I drove you straight to A & E and didn't even mention petrol money.

Let's leave it at that, eh?

How are you letting her go to Lowpark?

You're selling out the family credo, Della.

What the frig is the family credo exactly?

Stick it on HP and hope there's a revolution before the repayments kick in?

I'd put something in there about building an equal society and leaving no man behind but you're in the right ballpark, yeah.

Well, I don't think you get voting rights in this family any more.

That ended when we split and you went swanning off to the middle of the North Sea while muggins here wiped arses.

And what was I doing in the North Sea, Della?

I wasn't enjoying the diverse sea bird population, though it is majestic.

I was pumping the lifeblood out of the planet so you lot could dine on Micro Chips.

Well, since you got made redundant, I'm the one paying for the Micro Chips.

Well, can we just agree that we home-schooled them for a reason?

We did it so they could choose to do whatever the f*ck they wanted with their lives.

So, if Aretha chooses to go to school, I'd say we succeeded.

I know that's too complex an idea to shout down a megaphone at a community support officer in riot gear but it suits me.

OK, I will respect Aretha's decision, but, if anyone bullies her, I get first dibs on kerb-stomping the little fucker.

Fair enough.

But I get to go to town on his goolies first.

Fine.

The goolies are yours.

What's a pudenda?

Do you know what? As you're clearly a very slow reader, why don't you take it home and finish it there? Right, so, relationship admin. First up - a couple name.

If we don't do it, someone else will.

So, how can we combine Germaine and Callum into something short and snappy?

Let's brainstorm. Er...

Gollum?

I don't hear very much of my name in that one.

I was thinking more like... Germainum.

I'm going to go and get the laptop now so we can make a mind map.

Keep yourself white hot.

And the rabbit goes over the log and into the hole.

Easy, huh?

Thanks, Dad.

Can you use the rabbit metaphor to teach me a couple of self-defence moves?

Grampy advised I just go straight for their eyes but something more practical might be useful.

Oh, petal. I tell you this, you're going to be fine.

You've a cunning brain and a tongue like a Kn*fe.

You could be the bosting hard queen of that place in a fortnight if you put your mind to it.

I don't think so, Dad.

My name rhymes with urethra and my hair colour might as well be called Tease-me ginger.

Just look at your mum.

She was a gawky, goon-haired lump when she started at Lowpark and a certain cocky little prick used to rag on her mercilessly till, one day, she snapped and wanged me over a fence.

It's your special day so I've catered.

And, in a way, she's been wanging me over that fence ever since.

You'll be fine.

Get your arses down here if you want to eat.

Papa! Papa is here!

Calm down, Germaine. He's not singing in the Super Bowl.

He's just come to see Aretha before she starts school tomorrow.

Urgh! Aretha. She's such a sell-out.

You don't need school to make something of your life, right, Papa?

My career plan is to become an internet sensation.

Once I've got my YouTube account unblocked.

Dad, I've missed you!

Ah, Yoko! My little Yokes. Come and sit by your dad.

What you been up to?

Watching March Of The Penguins and thinking about how, soon, they won't be able to march very far on account of the Arctic ice disappearing.

Ah, you must be the fella who's stolen the heart of my special princess.

Oi! One of my special princesses.

Hi.

I'm Callum.

I won't mention how easy it would be for me to take you out to the North Sea and make you disappear.

D'you catch my drift?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and, by the way, that eye contact stuff doesn't work with me.

It only works on Della.

What the hell is this?

This isn't cheese.

It's garden cheese.

Garden cheese?

It's courgette, Germaine. Grated courgette.

Your father doesn't eat dairy, so blame him.

I get agonising gut pain.

It gives us all agonising gut pain, mate, but some of us just man up and get the job done.

What are you looking at?

( Car horn beeps )

Did you borrow that from a clown?

All right, ginge!

What the hell are those? What are those?

Where'd you get your shoes from? The tip?

Wahey!

Wah!

Oi, it's Educating Ginger! Oi!

Do you want a shower?

You bummer!

Ah, Lee!

Could you not?

I know she's ginger but she's not a bummer.

Yeah, all right.

You can have it instead.

Bummer!

( Bell rings )

Thank you.

Lowpark does not tolerate the following - pulling of hair, sticking chewing gum in hair, setting fire to hair, name calling regarding hair, artificially coloured hair.

This is my natural hair colour.

Mm. Well, if you want to dye it a nice uncontroversial brown colour, I'll turn a blind eye.

You might find it somewhat easier, ribbing-wise.

( Knock on door )

Ah, this is Stacey, your new pupil partner.

She'll show you the ropes.

Metaphorical ropes.

Actual ropes were banned after last year's flaming lasso incident.

We usually get at least ten minutes of work done before Reece Rhind throws something out of the window.

And we've all got our own chairs this term.

Lowpark has come a long way.

Aretha, you must ask permission before removing your blazer.

But I'm hot.

No, you're not! Wah!

Now, let's continue our work on Alexander the Great.

More like Alexander the Gay!

Show some deference.

He conquered the known world.

Aretha, don't belittle your fellow pupil's contribution.

Yeah, man. Don't belittle my contributions, man.

This is grotesquely unfair.

So, Alexander was a legendary m*llitary leader.

Sounds like a bummer to me.

Jesus Christ! Does no-one here have any f*cking respect for learning?

Ah! Busted! Wah!

Help us out with these, eh, babe?

I know it sucks to be you right now.

Adolescence is a frigging shitstorm.

If I could seal you in the wardrobe till it was all over, I would.

I'm sorry, Mum.

It's just that the needless animal genocide is really getting to me.

I finally understand how Craig David felt when he sang Walking Away.

You revel in your misery, kidder.

You're economically inactive, you can afford it.

Relish it while you can.

Once you turn 16, you've got to get sh*t done and there's no more time for feelings. You get me?

Why don't you try giving that drawer a slam and let a little bit of the pain out?

Good.

Argh!

Callum isn't replying to my texts.

He claims he has to turn his phone off when he's at school.

Argh!

My culturally significant Dubsmash to Anaconda is going unappreciated.

This is a travesty!

See? It's a very versatile technique.

Now, what do you say to a little bit of eyeliner?

Works for the goths.

Oi, ginge!

Just go and fu...

Grampy.

All right, cocker.

You bunking off already? I like it.

I've been excluded, Grampy.

Calling the history teacher a dead-eyed fact drone was highly damaging to morale, apparently.

I'm impressed. I never managed to get excluded and I was sleeping with my geography teacher for two years.

What am I going to do?

I can't go back to delivering packages to sour-faced retirees.

No offence intended.

Tell your Grampy about it.

To be honest, I'm not getting much out of number 48 here.

Nice shoes, but she's no Catherine Deneuve.

You and Mum were right about Lowpark.

It's not a place of learning.

It's like Animal Farm but without a compelling political subtext or Boxer, the noble shire horse.

Well, I didn't get any qualifications and it's never held me back.

Mind you, that was in the '60s and I'm a bloke, which helps enormously.

I just asked my mate for a job and went out on strike whenever I had a hangover.

I tell you what, old Grampy has an idea.

Come on, let's ditch Dr Feelgood here and hit the road.

Welcome to adult education, kidder.

You get a better class of learning in a college.

I have my weekly stitch and bitch here.

Great way to meet chicks.

Oh, and, by the way, if anyone asks, your nan's dead. OK, fair enough.

How's that poncho coming, Brenda?

Ooh, almost finished. Just starting on the fringe, Bob.

Yeah, well, ponchos are easy.

She should try cabling a sweater. Talk about convoluted.

I can barely keep one eye on the Bake Off.

Thank you. Bye.

I'll turn on the old Garry charm and get you enrolled, don't you worry.

Let's pop out the eye candy.

Won't it be more of an administrative decision, Grampy?

Never hurts to oil the wheels.

Good morning. Do you accept students under 16?

Yes, but you'd be the youngest student by a long way.

That's OK.

As long as no-one's going to call Alexander the Great a bummer.

Er...

Well, here's the form.

It's a bit long-winded, I'm afraid.

That's OK.

I love forms.

Thank you. Grampy.

No worries, kidder.

Well, if we're done here, I'm going to pop up the Gifford for a pint, loosen up the old fingers.

We're learning Scandinavian basket stitch tonight and I hear it's a right kick in the cock.

Mum, slow down.

I don't want to start my first day at college with whiplash.

If there's no free parking, you'll have to jump out at the lights.

Hey, you. What?

Snap.

Looks like we're the real cool cats, eh? Eh?

Thanks.

I got it from my grandad.

Right, Alexander the Great.

Yes!

Alexander the Great is totally busting.

Yeah, he is busting.

So, who can tell me how Alexander fundamentally reorganised the ancient world?

Me. I can.

Go on, Mariah.

Here, Dad.

Good slam, Yoko.

And I'm loving that eyeliner, petal.

Your eyes are popping like a pissed-up panda.

Wyatt, you take this to number 48.

I don't think we'll be having a second date and I don't want any emotional repercussions on the doorstep.

OK, Grampy.

You were right.

That terrier at number seven is a psycho.

You on target, Germaine?

Chill, Mum. Germallum's all over it. That's right!

Breaking - we're Germallum.

We're ten minutes up on last week.

With you on board, we're as fast as one postman.

Welcome to the family, kidder.

Number 16. Go!

I don't like running!

Mum, the gates are open again.