01x04 - Weird Knight

[bunniefuu]

Hey. There she is.

Mysterious Lady of the East.

Queen of the Ganges.

Our very own Taj Mahottie.

And good r*cist morning to you.

Wow, that's really good.

You convey such despair.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

It's really, really good.

You know, it's, uh, it's a crime that you sell that on the street for peanuts.

It should be hanging in galleries.

Mm.

You know?

It's too good to waste on poor people.

Again, thank you, but I'm fine.

What are you doing up this early?

Usually, you don't emerge from your bat cave till mid-afternoon.

Yeah, I brought home this waitress from Dugan's last night, and she stumbled out of here pretty early.

Figured I'd be a gentleman and pretend to be asleep until she left.

Oh.

That's who that was.

I thought you were being robbed by the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Hmm.

Yeah, I can see that.

You know, I'm just not in the right head lately, you know?

I mean, no job, no focus.

Six weeks ago, I'm top sales rep, living in a phat condo in Gotham, and now...

♪ Da, da-da, dah! ♪

I live with this.

So? How do I look?

You look very cute, Eric, but, um, what the hell?

(with English accent): Say hello to Lord Bartholomew Gullswallow, esteemed Knight in the Queens County Human Chess League.

Ah.

(in his voice): We play every other Sunday at Flushing Meadow Park.

Oh, you know what?

You guys should come and watch some time.

It's pretty exciting.

More exciting than regular chess?!

As a matter of fact, yes.

It's regular chess with human-sized thrills.

Gullswallow!

Eric: Ah!

Good morrow, my liege.

You're not gonna believe our cab driver.

He actually is convinced that Viswanathan Anand and Koneru Humpy should be ranked above Karpov.

What?!

He's probably drunk.

Anyway, come on, let's go.

Ugh. I am so frickin' late for work again.

Oh!

(sniffing) Ah.

I'm guessing you two are together.

Lord Nathaniel Reginald Derwintwatter.

Or, if you prefer, you may call me "Carl."

I prefer to go scrape teeth.

Scrape away.

Scrape away.

Rook to king-3.

What a game, huh?!

Classic Latvian gambit.

With all that that implies.

Hey, how's your grandfather?

He's been on his feet all morning.

I invented the thumb tack!

He's in bad shape.

Poor man can't even castle anymore without getting winded.

Can you keep a secret?

Pawn to bishop-3.

He's retiring in two weeks, naming me the new king.

Congratulations!

Any interest in becoming my successor as rook?

Me? A rook?

I've dreamed about it, but... Yes.

Then fix me up with your neighbor.

Ms. Nuzzolese?

No!

The one I met today. Caryn.

That honey-maned vixen whose eyes dance with madness.

Rook to king-4.

I'm being summoned to the queens-side as*ault!

I will await your response.

Until we meet again.

(sighs)

I want to rep you!

I have a whistle.

No, I want to rep you.

Represent you as an artist.

Oh!

Did seem strange that you would give me a heads-up.

Look, you need a representative. I can do this.

What do you know about art?

Hey, I may not know what I like, but I know art.

You see what I did there?

Look, you're a great artist, I'm a great salesman.

Come on, we can do this!

Thank you, um, but I am doing fine here.

Look, the Mason Hotel is having a competition for up-and-coming artists, all right?

The winner gets $20,000 to paint a new work for the hotel lobby.

I want to enter you in this.

No, I am not good enough.

I see that no, and I'll raise you a yes.

If they don't accept you, it's like it never happened, but if they do, and you win, you're $20,000 richer, minus my industry-standard commission of 25%, which you could look up, but I wouldn't.

Yet again, no.

So, just to same-page it, yes?

No!

Great. You know what? They need to see a sample of your work.

I'll take this thing.

What?! Hey!

That is $100!

Take it out of my 30% commission!

Please?!

Ew! No!

I am not gonna date that stupid bishop guy.

He's a rook!

I would never set you up with a bishop.

That's disgusting.

And besides, he's gonna be king in, like, two weeks.

You're always saying how you want to marry a successful man.

Can't do better than a king, right?

Right, but I can do better than a dweeb who dresses up like a chess piece.

Aren't you gonna say "no offense"?

No.

Look at me.

I have been a knight for ten years, and it has been my privilege.

But a knight is forever relegated to move in an L-shape pattern.

One up, two over.

Two up, one over.

One back, two over.

Two back...

What's your point?!

My point is, I got a chance to be a rook!

A rook can travel the entire length of the board in one move!

Bet it feels like you're soaring on the clouds of heaven.

Or walking ten feet in a bad Halloween costume.

That's not funny!

All right, 'cause this is my life!

This is not a game!

Okay, I'll go out with your weirdo friend.

Yeah?

I will not sleep with him.

Ah, you may not want to say that.

Get a good look at him in his tights? (knocking)

Oh. What's up, freakies?

Guess what. Caryn's gonna go out with my friend, the rook.

Really? Always thought you'd end up with a dreidel.

Where's Zara?

Very sexy. You should go with this look more often.

What you want, Stosh?

What would you say if I told you you're one of the top five finalists for the Mason Hotel art competition?

I would say that you're a lying son of a bitch.

At this moment, I am merely a son of a bitch.

No! Shut up! What?! They accepted me?!

Yeah, come on. (laughs)

What, you don't think I know what I'm doing?

Of course they accepted you.

And they're gonna have a reception this Saturday where they're gonna meet the artists and pick the winner.

Plus, open bar.

Aah! Thank you so much, Stosh!

Uh-huh. You're welcome.

Oh.

Oh. Wow. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Look you'll get the recognition you deserve, and I'm gonna get my 35% commission, so, it's a win-win.

Need help getting out of that thing?

No, I'm good.

Okay.

Oh.

A rook can travel the entire length of the board in one move!

(echoing): Move... move...

♪ Take these broken wings ♪

Move... move...

♪ And learn to fly again, learn to live so free ♪
♪ When we hear the voices sing... ♪

The entire length of the board in one move...

(echoing): Move... move... move...

♪ Take these broken wings ♪
♪ You got to learn to fly... ♪

A rook... a rook... a rook...

♪ When we hear the voices sing ♪
♪ The book of love will open up for us and let... ♪

Man: Get off the chess board, you freak!

(distant honking)

That's right. Keep going.

See, the fascinating thing about noise-cancelling headphones... and I spend half my day at Tech Town explaining this to people... is that they work by emanating sound waves in the exact frequency of the ambient noise, but in 180 degree opposition to it. Huh?

I wish I had a pair right now.

If you play your cards right, you may have a pair draped across your head later tonight.

Annette. I didn't know you were working tonight.

This is, uh, Caryn, my date.

Hi.

Sorry, I can't talk right now.

I'm swamped. Another waitress just deep-fried her hand.

She's a pawn on our human chess team.

Her en passant is an embarrassment.

I don't know what that means.

Huh. Thought they buried that with Liberace.

You know Liberace was gay?

Do not repeat.

(gasps)

Holy Buddha's nipples!

I've never seen one of my paintings lit professionally.

It looks so good.

Now, look, you are amazing, all right? You can do this.

You can walk out of here a commissioned artist earning $20,000, minus my 40%.

You just got to dance the dance a little.

Hey, for $20,000, I'll dance in a G-string and pasties.

Actually, I have, and for much less.

We should revisit that subject.

Okay.

Woman: Your work has such fascinating complexity.

Yes, it is lousy with fascinating complexity, isn't it?

Where did you grow up, Zara?

Yonkers.

Mumbai.

Stosh: Well, eventually Yonkers, but not until she had survived a harrowing childhood on the streets of Mumbai, keeping her two younger brothers out of the hands of the vicious Vindaloo cartel.

Woman: Goodness. How did you manage that?

Oh, um, I hid them in the Caves of...

Gupta.

Gupta is lousy with caves. Scotch?

Scotch?

So, our only chance of escape was to hide in the wheel well of the plane.

It was freezing, but the promise of America and her freedom kept my brother and I alive.

I thought you said you had a second brother.

Oh.

He was upgraded to coach.

Yeah, still, a terrible ordeal.

No money for headphones...

I believe there was a crying baby nearby, so...

Mm-hmm.

(distant sirens)

(sighs)

Oh!

Oh, God.

So, how did the date go?

I've already repressed the memory.

You owe me big time for this.

Absolutely. You are gonna get a huge mention in my rook acceptance speech, unless they play me off before I get to you.

So, how did you leave things?

He said he was gonna call me tomorrow.

Eric, I cannot go out with this freak again!

I had pancakes for dinner!

In what world is that a bad thing?

Get out of my house. Wait... how did you get in my house?

The less you know, the better.

Woman: And I'm thrilled to announce that the winner of the Mason Hotel New Artist Grant is...

Zara Sandhu.

Oh, my God!

I knew it, I knew it.

Holy crap, I won.

$20,000.

Yes.

What are you gonna do with your half?

Ha!

Scotch. Scotch.

Scotch. Scotch.

Watch your step, watch your step.

(gasps)

Whoa.

That's right, your Spartan hovel is now your Spartan hovel art studio.

Everything you need to be brilliant.

Brand new paint, brushes.

I think I'm getting an art boner.

You are a winner. Now get to painting.

For art boners lasting more than four hours, please consult your physician.

Okay.

Start painting, winner.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Chicken dinner.

Hey there.

I'm on a chicken break.

Okay.

There's nothing on the canvas.

This is my process, Stosh.

I don't tell you how to be a giant asshat all day.

Okay, all right, but you do know we got to turn in a painting tomorrow, right?

I am on it.

All right. You get back to it.

Yolo.

All right.

Here we go.

Let's light this candle.

All right, why do I smell sandalwood?

Go away.

You're painting the easel.

It looks good, right?

The Mason Hotel wants a painting.

They won't accept an easel.

Or... will they?

No.

They won't.

Why can't I paint?

Why can't I paint? Why?

Why, why, why?

Hey, Zara, Stosh told me about the contest.

Oh! Man, what an exciting time for both of us.

You, about to be a famous artist, me, about to be the co-third most important piece on my half of the chess board.

We're the spotlight.

Stakes couldn't be higher. All eyes on us.

We fail, we fail in front of the whole world.

Well, good luck.

Oh, that's why.

(sighs)

(dial tone)

(footsteps approaching) ERIC: Hey, Caryn.

Aah! Stop being in my house.

I was just checking in.

How are things going with you and Carl?

Mm, fine.

Yeah?

Got another date coming up, or...

Not exactly, no.

What? Hey, you didn't turn him down, did you?

This isn't a done deal for me yet, Caryn.

I did not turn him down.

Well then, what?

Oh, God.

He hasn't called you?

No.

Has he texted you?

No.

Have you texted him?

Yes.

What did you text?

Smiley face yesterday, winky face today. No response.

This is bad. This is so bad.

Wait. Maybe he's dead.

No such luck. I happened to walk by Tech Town, where he works...

In Staten Island?

Mm. Two buses and a ferry, what of it? He was in there.

So he's alive and he hasn't called you?

He's blowing you off. Caryn, you told me the date went good. Why is he blowing you off?- I don't know.

This is horrible.

I'm no happier about it than you are, pal.

What do you care? You didn't even like him.

I didn't like him. And then he blew me off, and now I do like him. Don't you understand?

This is my disease. Ugh.

And it makes no sense.

How does a guy like that blow me off?

I was a great date.

I even told him that funny story from hygienist school... you know the one... the one where the teacher keeps calling me Goldfarm instead of Goldfarb all year?

That's a terrible story.

You told me you liked it.

I was being polite.

Can't you read a room?

Eric. Eric, wait.

No, Eric, Eric, please, you have to call him.

No. You're only gonna make it worse.

One more date. Ask him.

No. I might still be okay here. He asked me to fix him up and I did. It's not my fault you're a giant snooze.

Tell him I'll put out. All the bases.

All right.

I like what I'm seeing.

How we doing? You almost finished?

Pretty much.

Awesome.

What the hell is that?

I tried going back to the basics.

This is the "Draw Me" turtle from the matchbook ads. See?

This sucks.

I know.

Zara, come on, work with me here, all right? We got to turn in a painting tonight. Please, be a professional.

That's the problem... I am not a professional.

I am just a person and I like to paint, but I can't do it with all of these people just watching over me and expecting some brilliance out of me.

You messed with my head, just so you could get 25% of the money.

Well, I thought we settled on 35, but that's not the point.

I can't do it. Just... There's too much pressure.

Just call the... the hotel people and tell them that I...

I can't do it.

Fine.

Fine. You know...

You want to blow the best damn opportunity you've ever had, then you go right ahead.

It's ringing.

I thought you were my rep.

Hey, Rachel.

Stosh Lewandoski.

Yeah, hi. Uh, well... not-not so good, actually.

Listen, I know it's the 11th hour, but, uh, unfortunately, Zara's got to drop out.

Yeah, I know, I know. I know, I'm sorry, but she's just got some personal stuff going on.

Okay. All right, thank you.

Well, I... Thank you very much. Bye.

Sorry I let you down.

No, no.

Nah, it's my fault.

You know, I didn't get you till now.

You don't paint for the world, you paint for yourself.

You know, it's a personal expression of your own isolation and loneliness.

Just you, in your own dark little universe.

It-It's okay.

You're back there now.

Two hours should do it.

Knight to king bishop four.

(whispers): Carl.

Hey, how you doing?

Fine, thanks.

So, uh, this time next week you're gonna be king?

Announcer: Pawn to queen's rook three.

That's pretty exciting.

Yes, it is.

And, uh, I guess I'll be... I mean, were you-were you still thinking about making me a rook, or...

Rook to king five.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Caryn?

Carl. Oh, my God, hi.

That's right, you do this whole human chess thing too.

What a dummy, I forgot. How are you?

Are you stalking me?

Stalking you?

Announcer: Pawn to bishop three.

Me, stalking you? Yeah, okay, I'm stalking you. I am stalking you.

I know. I saw you crouching in the bushes outside of Tech Town.

Why are you ignoring me? You said you had a great time.

You said you were gonna call me.

Rook to queen's knight five.

Wait.

What are you doing?

Get back to your square.

Yeah, yeah, in a second. I just... I need to know why you didn't call me back.

Was it the Goldfarm story?

Because I realized after...

I never got to the funniest part.

The part is that... Caryn, you need to get back to knight three right now.

No. Carl, please, come over tonight and I'll make you dinner.

Oh, hey, you like a nice brisket? What did she just say about a dinner? You told me you were through with her.

I am. She just showed up here.

Okay, missy, this does not concern you.

I think it does. I'm his girlfriend. We had a fight last week and he just went out with you to make me jealous.

You went out with me to make her jealous?

You literally used me as a pawn?

(short laugh) I thought that was rather elegant, actually.

That was not nice, Carl. Caryn's a good person.

And she's very emotionally fragile.

Go back to your square. No one wants you on this part of the board.

(gasps) Oh, no, you did not.

Bring it. (grunting)

No, Caryn, no. Get off... Get off her.

You get your hands off her, Carl.

(grunting)

(everyone growling, grunting)

Bishops don't move that way.

Carl: I'm filing a formal complaint.

(grunts)

Woman: Come on! Ugh.

There will be disqualifications.

(alarm beeps)

Oh, wow.

Great work, babe.

All right, let's go.

Where are we going?

To the Mason. They're waiting for this.

We quit. You called the fancy lady.

No, no, I called Mr. Fong. He does my shirts.

He was very confused. Very confused.

Wai-Wait, wait, seriously?

Wait, Stosh, wait up.

Aah!

Eric, I told you, I'm sorry.

A checker. I'm demoted to a checker for six months.

Are you happy now?

Checkers can be fun. They get to jump over each other.

Don't you dare take her side.

You know, I really like what you did here with the smiley face. It's very artistic.

Happens to be my field. I'd like to rep you.

Uh, I don't make the smiley faces. Pancho does.

I don't care, I'd still like to rep you.

Can't cut my pancakes.

Oh, okay, all right, okay, all right, okay.

I should have been a rook.

Whoa! Whoa!

Excuse me.

Guess that means more pancakes for us.