01x05 - The Weirdfather

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Smigus-Dyngus!

(laughs)

It's my favorite Polish family holiday.

As you know, this is a bittersweet Dyngus for me.

Uh, it's my first one without my mom or my pop.

But I am happy to be reunited with Stosh, Mmm.

My kuzyn, and now I have two wonderful new friends.

So it is the dawn of a new Dyngus.

Let's get our Dyngus on, people.

Oh, uh, first a toast.

Uh, as our Grandma Tekla used to say...

(speaks Polish)

(continues speaking Polish)

(shouting in Polish)

(Caryn and Zara gasp)

Guys, stop.

(shouting in Polish)

(Caryn and Zara scream)

And scene. (laughs)

(gasps) What?!

Welcome to our reenactment of every Lewandoski family gathering ever.

(Polish polka music playing)

(toasts in Polish)

It's-it's a heavy wall. She can't get out.

(indistinct chatter)

♪ He's leaving ♪
♪ Leaving ♪ (giggles)

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪
♪ Leaving on that midnight train ♪
♪ To Georgia ♪
♪ Hey... ♪

(imitates train whistle)

♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ Shake, shout ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake, shout ♪
♪ Turn up now before you pop... ♪

(singing in Polish)

(singing nonsense)

That's not Polish.

It's Pole... ish.

Look at us, guys.

We're like a family now.

I mean, maybe someday when we all have children, I can share my Dyngus with them, too.

Zara, can we borrow the van for a couple hours?

Sure thing, Butch.

(shouts)

(loud crash) Oh!

Got 'em.

Hmm.

Good-bye.

And what's my Oscar the Grouch puppet doing in this trash can?

Come on.

♪ Night... ♪ Let's get in the van.

Uh-oh.

Someone broke in and added more stairs to our house.

Hey, which one of us should be the "drover"?

The sober one should be the "drover."

Where are we heading?

To see my son.

Awesome.

Let's do it.

Wait, you have a son?

Get in!

(shouting)

(laughing)

Get up!

What happened?

(laughing): You made me laugh.

I pierogied my pants.

(both sigh)

I just can't get over it.

You have an actual son?

Which means I have an actual first cousin once-removed.

Huh! Where does this end?

Probably right there.

Tell me all about him.

Like, everything... I want to know every detail.

I knocked up a cocktail waitress when I was 23.

She had the kid but said I couldn't see him because I was an irresponsible douche bag.

Which I was.

And so I didn't.

That's every detail.

Wow.

Tell it again.

I knocked up a cocktail waitress when I was 23.

She had the kid but said I couldn't see him because I was an irresponsible douche bag.

(laughs) Love that part.

So I always wanted a cat, but it turned out that my father was allergic to cats.

So they got me a turtle instead.

But then it turned out that the turtle was allergic to my father, and it d*ed. Weird, right?

Did you ever have a cat?

I wanted one, but the sultan forbade felines within the palace walls, so I had to play with the slaves.

I actually have no idea if you're kidding.

(chuckles)

I am, but your story's still weirder, nutcase.

(laughs) Oh, I am so glad we became Dyngus sisters tonight.

Mmm.

The Dyngus bring us together.

(snorts)

(laughs)

Ow.

Ooh, "ow" can be our safeword.

Ow.

Yep.

Wake up.

Clear history!

Shh-shh-shh.

This is his school.

Oh, man.

He's in there somewhere.

Mm-hmm.

You excited?

Yeah, I am.

(laughs)

You know, the Dyngus party really got me thinking.

I got a son, Eric.

He should know that his own father cares about him, right?

Well, definitely, he should know.

And he will know.

Here, go give him this 50.

What, you don't want to meet him?

I told you... I can't, all right?

Just go on, give him the 50.

Actually, you know what?

Make it a hundred.

I only got one kid, right?

Actually, that might not be right.

How do I find him? Like, what's he look like?

I don't know.

Cavelli... last name's Cavelli.

I'll do the old fake cough routine.

(laughs)

(coughing): Cavelli? Cavelli?

Damn it.

It sounds like I'm actually coughing.

Does it?

Eric (coughing): Cavelli.

Oh, hey.

Regina, hey, how are you this morning?

What the hell are you doing here?

Look, I'm not trying to see the kid, all right?

I'm just dropping off an anonymous gift.

Don't make a big stink about it... I've done it before.

Uh, yeah, I know, Stosh.

And I know it's you who throws a brick through our window every Christmas.

With a gift attached, yeah.

(scoffs)

And a second brick with a receipt in case he doesn't like it.

(coughing): Cavelli.

Can I help you?

Indeed, you can, Officer.

I am looking for one beautiful young boy who might want to go home with a hundred dollars.

Look, just knock it off with the drive-by gifting, huh?

It's stupid.

What else you want me to do?

You won't let me see him.

Oh, like you even want to see him.

I do want to see him.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine. What?

Take him, go ahead.

Try to be an actual parent for a couple of days.

Meet me here at 3:00.

Eric: Stosh!

3:00.

Stosh, help me! (Taser crackling)

So, Frank.

Sorry we haven't done this sooner, but you know how it is.

I've been busy, I'm sure you've been slammed.

The important thing is... we're here now.

You know, we got two whole days to get to know each other.

Wh-Why don't you kick it off, huh?

Tell me about yourself.

You got any hobbies?

Yeah, I'm a frickin' ballerina.

Okay, I'll kick it off.

I'm in the dental sales field.

I was a sales rep for a dental products firm called Sunny Smile.

We sold, uh, non-acrylic teeth-whitening products to dentists and commercial retailers.

Currently, I'm exploring opportunities in other fields.

Wow, that was worth the 12-year wait.

Okay.

Okay, I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

You're angry with me.

I'm your father, and I wasn't a part of your life.

I left you high and dry.

And you probably see other kids out there playing with their dads, you know, maybe playing a game of catch or getting an ice cream cone.

And it hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?

I know. Believe me, I get it.

I get it.

(sighs)

So, we good?

(door opens)

Caryn: Hey.

I am so glad you're home.

I pierogied, and I can't get up.

I... got you something.

What is it?

It's a card.

A greeting card.

Here, let me.

I mean, I know how they work, but what's the occasion?

Nothing, really.

I just had a few thoughts on you and me and our friendship.

Oh.

Here.

Oh.

You can read it.

Holy crap.

I had taken an Adderall, but it is all from the heart.

Wow.

Caryn, do you mind if I read this later so that I can really... not read it right now?

Oh, yeah, totally, absolutely.

Great.

So can I just tell you what it says?

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's the thing...

I have always had terrible luck with friendships.

A lot of my female friends have either gotten married or hated me.

Terrible luck.

And last night, when we were on the stairs, I just felt like we had a real connection.

We did, right?

Yeah.

Fourth stair club...!

Oh...

Oh.

So, anyway, here's the thing.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm really happy you're in my life, and last night was a lot of fun, and I can't wait to do it again soon.

Yeah, me, too.

When?

When what?

When can we do it again?

Um...

Because I was thinking, tonight, you and me can hang out and I can make tacos.

I just got a coupon for shells.

That sounds great.

Great, okay. I'm gonna go shopping.

I have such a good feeling about our friendship.

Just don't go getting married on me.

Okay.

Seriously, don't.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, is your mom still dancing down at the...?

Never mind.

Here we go.

Found some items in the basement a young fellow like you might find entertaining.

We got Trouble.

The game, that is.

(laughs)

Ah, you know what?

I think the Pop-O-Matic bubble's gone.

I used it in a lung transplant when I was playing Operation.

He didn't make it.

Ooh!

Movies.

Bambi... hmm, sad and scary but good.

Thumbelina... oh, off the charts, scary-wise.

Memphis Belle, Godfather...

You know what? Let's do The Godfather.

Have you seen The Godfather?

No.

Where's it rank scary-wise, compared to Thumbelina?

Not even close.

Carlo (over TV): We lost enough money last week on the game.

(children shout, tires screech)

Carlo, come here, come here, come here, come here.

(crowd clamoring)

So, what do you think?

If I could go back in time, I would re-enter my mother's womb, pop out again, spend every second of my life watching this movie.

I respect that choice.

I take it back.

I don't want to watch the movie.

I want to live in it.

I want to be Sonny Corleone.

There's a scene coming up that might make you change your mind.

Eric: Stosh?

I really think this is a little too scary for Frank to be watching.

You touch my sister again, I'll k*ll you.

Oh, my God!

Again?

Crank her up!

Oh, God.

♪ ♪

(gasping)

Caryn: Hi!

I have such a big surprise for you!

Something's happening.

Remember how yesterday on the stairs we were talking about how we both always wanted cats when we were growing up?

Well... ta-da!

Outside the grocery store was this pet adoption thing, which was kismet, so I got us a cat and named it...

Kismet!

Kismet, meet Zara.

Now, the guy said to let him out very slowly and let him sniff out his environment.

Yeah. Oh! Oh! Wait! No!

Ooh.

I guess Kismet wasn't meant to be.

(man speaking Italian)

Hey, Luca Brasi's about to get whacked.

You're gonna miss it.

All right. You know what?

I think it's time we called it a night.

No, no. Not yet.

I want to see Apollonia get blown to bits one more time.

You said that three car bombs ago.

Now, come on. Don't work me.

You got school tomorrow.

Lay down.

School bites.

Can you take me to Kiddie World instead?

The strip club? It's fully nude. There's no booze.

Not Kitty World. Kiddie World.

It's an amusement park.

Why the hell would you want to go there?

I'm 12, you ass.

Okay. I'll take you to Kiddie World.

All right, now, come on.

Try to get some sleep, huh?

Good night, kid.

Good night, Dad.

How long you been standing there?

Long enough to hear a boy and his father have a very special moment.

He called you Dad.

No, no. No, no, no.

He called me dude.

It's like all my Dyngus dreams are coming true.

All right, you know what? Now you're bugging me.

I'm gonna get some fresh air.

Next year, we're gonna have a huge Dyngus.

Why are you sitting in there?

It's Taco Tuesday.

Oh, yeah?

Am I very early or very late?

You don't know what's going on in that house.

There's a Jewish woman cooking Mexican food, singing "Mambo Italiano."

I had to run away.

I hear you.

I got two people up there acting like we're family just 'cause we're related to each other.

(groans) What is with people?

You share one nice moment with them, and then suddenly they want to have more nice moments, like, all the time.

It's a sickness.

Yes.

Thank you. It is a sickness.

And it's a trap.

'Cause if you have more nice moments with them, eventually they'll figure out what a worthless piece of crap you are, and then what do you got, right?

Emotional commitment to other human beings.

(groans)

My number one pet peeve.

Well, that and Capri pants.

Really?

I think they're a breezy summer look.

You would.

(cell phone chiming)

Caryn video-calling me.

Guess I got to do what I got to do.

Hi!

Hi! Whoa!

Where are you?

Craziest thing! I went to visit a friend of mine on his boat, and we were out on the river, and then the fog rolled in.

Now we're 20 klicks off course and the river patrol...

Oh, my God! He's calling a code 12!

What?! Oh, my goodness!

Well, the most important thing is that you stay safe.

Yeah.

And that you make it back for Taco Tuesday.

(imitates foghorn)

Oh! The wind's picking up.

Lower the mizzen mast!

Oh, sh**t. I got to go lower the mizzen mast.

Bye.

Iceberg right ahead!

I hung up.

Oh.

Okay! Anyone who's excited to go to Kiddie Land with their dad today, raise his hand. (whoops)

Who are you?

Oh, yeah.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, it's Stosh.

I thought he was down here with you.

Hey!

Aw, hey, Frank. Damnedest thing.

I got a phone call late last night to come down here to Philly for a job interview.

I would've told you, but I didn't want to wake you.

I won't be home till late tonight after your mom picks you up.

But I bet there's someone there who would love to take you to Kiddie World!

First cousin once removed Eric Lewandoski at your service.

Sure.

All right, have fun.

See you when I see you.

Eric: So this is what I was thinking.

Before we get on any rides, we grab a couple churros, and we take the Kiddie World Choo-Choo around the park.

You know, just to get the lay of the land.

You think my dad was lying about that job interview?

You know, to avoid hanging out with me?

What? No! No, he wouldn't do that.

Anyway, after that choo-choo, Alpine Thunder, Death Plunge, Spinning Sisters, Goliath's Chariot and then Satan's Revenge.

Awesome!

Awesome!

Gonna be so awesome.

(gasps) Hey!

You made it.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, that was really scary.

That boat experience...

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I called river patrol.

There was no fog.

You went on a boat with all your friends without me.

I love boats.

I would've made tacos for everyone. Your loss.

Caryn... I wasn't on a boat at all.

I slept in my van.

Right outside.

What?

I didn't want to do Taco Tuesday with you.

Why not?

Do you not like tacos?

Do you not like Tuesdays?

Do you not like me?

(stammers)

Oh.

Wow!

Ouch!

You know what?

Maybe I should just get my stuff and go.

Fine. Go.

I don't care. Go!

Why are you still standing there? Go!

Are you actually gonna go?

Sorry we had to leave after only 20 minutes.

Yeah, I've never seen anyone freak out on the Kiddie World Choo-Choo before.

How bad was it?

You puked on a baby.

(laughs) Well, he's young.

He won't remember.

Okay, seriously, you are actually moving out?

Yes. I said I'm moving out. You said, "Fine. Go."

I said it, but I didn't mean it!

That's just how Jews fight! Zara?

What is going on? Why are you doing this?

Because I don't want to keep hurting your feelings!

I cannot be the kind of friend that you want me to be.

I just want the friend that I had on the stairs the other night.

Well, I can't do it on command!

I didn't command you.

I just suggested that we have Taco Tuesday.

Tuesdays! Tuesdays!

You had us eating tacos every Tuesday until the sun burns out.

This is mine.

I just wanted a nice scheduled event, because that's what friends do.

That's what community centers do.

Real moments between real human beings only happen organically and spontaneously.

Well, I disagree.

But you know what? Fine.

We've had our real moment, so now you can just run away like that stupid cat.

You probably terrified him on the ride home.

He was fleeing a lifetime of Meow Chow Mondays.

(laughs): Oh, yeah.

It was Frisky Feast Fridays!

(door slams)

Oh, I hear it now.

I don't know. It's been a tough week, you know?

I ain't betting the Yankees anymore.

What the hell?!

Son of a bitch was lying!

I knew it! Pull over!

(tires screech)

Hey...

Come here!

Hey, kid, take it easy.

Come here! Come here!

Would you take it easy?

Aah! God, kid!

Hey! Come on!

Whoa! Whoa! Aah!

(grunting)

Um, who's that kid b*ating the crap out of Stosh?

His son.

Oh.

Eric: Poor Stosh.

He's one of those people that are terrified of emotional commitment.

They run away at the first feeling of closeness, and they wind up hurting the people that need them the most.

Anyhooski, what's going on with you?

Um, is that how I made you feel?

(screaming)

Kind of.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too!

(grunting)

If you ever lie about not being able to take me to Kiddie World again, I'll k*ll you.

Okay, so we're good, right?

We're good... Dad.

(groans)

That's my boy!

Oh, thank God we didn't watch Scarf Ace.

Eric: You all right?

You know, you don't look that bad.

Thanks.

Yeah, I got this and, um, a couple of broken ribs from Thunderfoot over there.

Zara: Getting b*at up's a good look for you.

Nice work, Frank.

So, Frank, how are you enjoying school?

I told you.

Don't ever ask me about my business.

He never told me that.

I just met him.

Frank, where'd that cat come from?

Good night.

Hmm.