03x12 - Get Real

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I still don't understand.

Josh showed me the engagement ring.

I gave him our room key.

He was so excited.

I was so excited.

I don't know.

I don't know, I guess...

I guess he got cold feet.

[sighs] My God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

Would you have said yes?

I'm not sure I'm ready to get married.

Maybe Josh realized that too.

I mean, what's the rush, right?

I hate him now.

No, don't say that.

Josh is wonderful.

It's just so weird.

What could've happened between the time I saw him and when you got back to the room?


Oh, God, Liza, no!


Wait... you think he saw you kiss Charles right as he was about to propose to you?

It's the only explanation.

That poor guy. He must want to gouge his eyes out.

Oh, thank you. That's very helpful.

I guess I should've called you.

Wait... you knew about this?

Well, not exactly.

But I had coffee with Josh when you were away.

He was just so heartsick over you.

I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut.

What did you say?

I said if he loves you he shouldn't lose you!

Oh, God, Maggie.

I thought he was gonna write you a song or something, not propose marriage.

He wrote "marry me" on the bed in rose petals.

Oh, sweet.

It's kind of like a floral text.

Oh, God. I've gotta find a way to make this right somehow.

Wait, how did this Charles thing even happen?

Well, it was equal parts gin, tonic, sea air, and that great old song "Take My Breath Away."

That song does crazy stuff to people.

In high school I slept with Tommy Mannetti because of that song.

And also his sister, Tammy Mannetti.

[hip-hop music]

♪ Ooh, oh ♪
♪ Don't ask, don't tell ♪
♪ Ooh, oh ♪
♪ Don't ask, don't tell ♪
♪ Chillin' in the cut ♪

No, no, no, no, no. Kels, hi! Welcome back!

What's going on?

I have some amazing news.

Max and I are moving in together.

What? Since when?

I don't know. We've been spending all of our spare time with each other anyway, so we figured, what the hell, let's just take the leap.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to handle that tiny little apartment with all those roommates?

No, no, I'm sure I can't.

That's why he's moving in here.

♪ ♪


[indistinct chatter]

Hey, look who's back from the Hamptons.

Hey, roomie.

Welcome back, beauty.


Did you hear the news?

We're gonna have our own in-house medical professional.

Even 15 CPW doesn't have that.

Of all the crazies that this girl brings home, who would have predicted a nice, Jewish doctor?

Yeah. He's sweet.

Mom loves that I'm being basic.

I love Max.

I know you do.

Oh, Kels, one quick thing.

Max needs a little bit of space in the front closet, so if you could just, you know... winnow.

Of course.

[women vocalizing]

♪ ♪
♪ Baby, baby, won't you come with me ♪
♪ I'll make you happy ♪
♪ Don't you think that you wanna see ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What's on the other side ♪
♪ Maybe go out for a ride ♪
♪ Lose our sorrows in the tide ♪



Look, I just wanted to apologize for intruding on...

You don't have to apologize.

I'm sure you know how fond I am of you.

But I never meant to step between a happy couple.

And I can assure you, I won't be stepping in again.

Good luck with Josh.

♪ Take it now ♪
♪ Take it now ♪
♪ Take it now ♪

[cell phone chimes]

[inspirational music]

Is your life spiraling out of control?

Are your goals unclear?

Are your relationships in turmoil?


Do you even know what you want anymore?

What if you found out that that's okay?

Because it is only at our lowest point when we're in the deepest pain that we unearth what we really want and who we really are.

Who you really are is beautiful.

Who you really are is kind.

Who you really are is loving and pure.

I'm Antonia Steward, and I can help you find that person again.

All I need is your commitment to get real.

Diana, thank you.

For what?

That video.

What made you think to send it to me?

Antonia Steward is writing a book.

We're having a meeting her in an hour.

This one book could be the whale that feeds the whole company for year...

Pull yourself together, Liza.

♪ ♪

Thanks for coming, guys.

Listen, I don't need to write a book.

People are begging me to write a book.

My seminar has transformed over 1.5 million lives in 21 countries.

And after each and every one, people ask me, "Where can I buy your book? Where can I buy your book?"


We'll talk later.

All bidders for my book need to attend my seminar tomorrow.

I'll set aside two tickets for Empirical.

I'll let you three fight over the tickets.

I'm late for a meeting back in midtown.

Excuse me.

You know, three months ago, I would have snapped up those tickets, but not now.

I don't need Antonia Steward.

I have it all.

I'm happy.

They say life starts when you're 40.

And so does the best s*x I have ever... ever... ever...

Got it.

Thank you.



You're a beast, man.

You're a beast! Come on. Give me two more, two more.

Hey, guys. What's, uh... going on?

Max has to get in his Power 30 between call hours.

Come on!

Sorry to sweat on your rug.

Is the plan for the weight bench to be in my room all the time?

Yeah, sorry.

We just didn't have any place else.

You don't mind, do you?

You can hang out and watch us pump if you want.

Come on.







Did you know about that bench press situation?

Oh, I know, it keeps his body so tight.

No, I mean, he's keeping it in my room.

Oh, right.

Look, I know I'm staying at your parent's house for free and I am so grateful for that, but...

But what?

You could've given me some warning.

It would have given me time to figure things out.

Kelsey, it was either right now, or Max would have to pay another month's rent.

You didn't consider me at all.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

I am happy for you.

[Max grunting]

One more, one more, come on.

[upbeat techno music]

[knock at door]


Thank you, babe.

This is only for a few nights, I promise, until I find my own place.

Hey, lucky me.


Um... got any more suitcases?

No. Why, are you worried?




Elphaba, do you want a grape?

Then say "grape."


PetMD says the way to get her to talk is to bring her around more people.

Well, that makes sense.

She sits here in silence all day while we're at work.

It's cruel when you think about it.

I'm gonna take her to the office with me tomorrow.

That's a great idea.

You know what else is a great idea?

[Diana laughing]

So you're staying with Colin?

Just until I find a place.

I got a broker, but so far the only thing she sent that I could legitimately afford is this:

"Cozy basement studio. New paint. No stove. Call for neighborhood." That definitely means Inwood.

No longer available, Aw. Well listen, I'm sure Maggie wouldn't mind if you crashed with us for a little while.

Thanks, that means a lot.

But something's gotta come through.

Please welcome to the stage, Antonia Steward!

[cheers and applause]


Hello Newark and the Tri-State Area!

Are you ready to Get Real?

[cheers and applause]

Okay people, I have one question for you.

What will make you happy?

You. Ma'am.

You're nodding.

Come on up.


[cheers and applause]

What will make you happy?

Losing weight.

Take off your Spanks.

[laughs] Excuse me?

Just wriggle out of 'em.

You're wearing a dress.

Okay. [laughs nervously]

You can just leave 'em.

How do you feel?


I can't hear you.


No restrictions, no pressure.

This is you, the real you.

How do you feel?


Now what will make you happy?

A divorce.

[cheers and applause]

That's more like it!

That is real!

See your group leader at break for strategy pillars.

[cheers and applause]

Now who's next?

[crowd cheering]

No. No. Attention seeker...

You, sir.

Come on up.



What will make you happy?

I just want my wife back.

Oh, my God.


She's so amazing.

I want my wife back!


What's stopping you?

Well, I made some huge mistakes and now she's got this younger boyfriend.

Okay, well, we're gonna help you grow some balls and get your wife back.

[cheers and applause]

Have you owned your sh1t?

That takes some balls.

What did you do to kill the relationship?

Well, I-I sort of cheated.

Sort of cheated?

[audience boos]

What a douche.

I feel sorry for his ex-wife.

[audience booing]

[stammering] I cheated.

[audience is silent]

And I had a... [stammering]

Okay, I had a gambling problem as well.

But I've cleaned up my act. I swear.

Okay. Let's give him a hand for cleaning up his act.

Cleaned up!


Now, the next step is to apologize.

No, I already have. Many times.

But she won't listen; she's too busy with her boy toy.

You know, partying her ass off around Brooklyn.

Sounds like she's gone off the rails.

Yeah, no, she has, totally.

She's forgotten about her family.

All she thinks about is her new hipster life and impressing this dumb little boyfriend.

Get out your phone.

You want me to call...

No names.

Just call her. Now.



While you have clarity.

And the support of everyone here.

[cheers and applause]

I don't...

Call her. Be a man. Call her. Be a man.

All: Call her. Be a man. Call her. Be a man. Call her. Be a man.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it!

I'll do it right now!

[cheers and applause]

Do you know what?

I-I-I'm gonna run to the bathroom, okay?

[phone vibrating]

sh1t! It's ringing.

It's ringing.

It's ringing.

[cell phone vibrating]

Sounds like she's not there.

Or she doesn't have the courage to speak to you.

She's probably at some hipster bar, knocking one back.

Sounds like a real party girl.

She sounds like a bitch!


We cannot judge her until we talk to her.

[cell phone vibrating]



[disguising voice] Hello?

[knock at door]

Do you have a moment?

Of course. Come in.

Oh, your... your prized parrot.

Yes. According to the experts, she needs to be around people more in order to start talking, which I would love to hear.

Pretty girl. Pretty girl.

Animals are so mysterious.

Well, I can help expose her to some people who'd love to meet her.

Nicole's class is here visiting the office on a little field trip.

Perfect. Bring them in.

Girls, come on.

Oh! There's a lot of them.

Oh, you just... just keep coming.

Girls, this is Diana Trout, Empirical's Head of Marketing.

She's incredibly important here, helping our company to sell all our books.

That's your parrot, right?

That is Elphaba.

Named after the wonderful and verdant character in the Broadway musical, "Wicked."

[Elphaba moaning]

Is Elphaba sick?

Listen to that! You girls are quite lucky.

These is the first sounds Elphaba has ever made.

[Elphaba moans]

Is she singing?

[Elphaba moans]

[Elphaba groaning]

Everyone stop exciting the bird.

She's getting a little over-stimulated.

Is that what's happening?

[Elphaba moans sensually]

Easy does it, pretty girl.

Yes, Richard! Yes, Richard!

Right there! Right there!

Okay, okay, okay.

And it's time to move along.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Who wants a chocolate chip cookie?

Okay, let's go. Faster! Faster!

[Elphaba moans and whistles]

You're on speakerphone in front of hundreds of people who just gave me the courage to say this.

I want you back.

Forget the past.

Just come home.

It's not too late, babe.

I'm sorry.

I've moved on.

And you need to do the same.

Hi. I just want to intervene.

So you're in a committed relationship with your young boyfriend?

Well... not exactly.

Why not?

Because you chose someone who couldn't commit.

No, he-he can commit.

He proposed to me.


Yeah, yeah, he, uh... he put his whole heart right out there.

And what happened?

I... I messed it all up.

Why did you mess it up? Because...

I'm self destructive.



[scoffs] I don't know.

Because you do not love him.


Yes, I do.

Are you sure?

Dig deep in your heart. It's time to get real.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

I do.

I do love him.

I really do. I really love him.

Then why are you wasting time talking to your ex-husband?

Hang up the phone right now and go get your man!

[cheers and applause]


[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Get real.

♪ ♪



I just had the craziest day.

You and me both.

I just got word that Netflix wants to fly me out to LA to discuss adapting my book into a series.

What? Oh, my God!


I'm so happy for you.

It's great.

I mean, it's also kind of overwhelming.


Which got me thinking.

Maybe now is... it's not such a good time for you to move in.

I'm not... I'm not moving in.

I'm just staying here for a few nights until I can find my own place.

No, Kels, I know how it works.

The last girlfriend who brought a duffel to my place, she didn't leave for two years.

Are you being serious?

I just... I can't have any distraction.

It isn't like I want to stop seeing you.

[cell phone vibrating]

Pippa. I gotta grab it.

Hey. No, yeah.

Hell, yeah, I'm totally psyched.

Just give me the talking points.

♪ ♪

[knocking on door]

Josh. I know I made a mistake.

But I need to make things right.


I saw you. With him.

I know. There's no excuse.

Do you love him?

I love you.

You were everything to me.

And you are everything to me.

Liza, Liza...

You have to forgive me.


I didn't care about your teenage daughter, I didn't care about your ex-husband, or having a baby.

I chose you.

But you're a liar.

And a cheater.

And whether you realize it or not, your lies are hurting everyone around you.


No. No, no.

No more.


No more.

[Rihanna's "Stay"]

♪ ♪
♪ Not really sure how to feel about it ♪
♪ Something in the way you move ♪
♪ Makes me feel like ♪
♪ I can't live without you ♪
♪ It takes me all the way ♪
♪ I want you to stay ♪

[door slams]

♪ ♪

Come here.

Maggie, I messed everything up.

It's okay.


Pull yourself together 'cause we got company.

Hey. I texted you like three times.

I'm sorry to just come by, I couldn't stay at Colin's for one minute.

Are you okay?


♪ ♪

I have to show you something.

♪ ♪

This is my daughter, Caitlin.


She's in college.

And I'm not 26.

I'm gonna be 41 in a few weeks.

I don't understand.

Then let me explain.