01x04 - Ted Talks

[bunniefuu]

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For his ingenuity and partial sacrifice in the line of service, we decided to make Art honorary crew member.

Thank you, everyone.

Do the firings start now?

Do I get to choose who I replace?

No firings, you're not replacing anyone.

Karen, I vote Karen.

Me too, I also vote Karen.

We're not voting on, okay, just sit down.

What?

Now on a slightly less positive note, we did have to eject all of our fuel to escape the forming planet.

Captain.

Let me finish.

Without fuel, we're screwed.

I mean we'll just be orbiting this planet forever.

Like a corpse-filled moon.

Michael, that's enough.

I said let me finish.

Now, the good news is that all the fuel we ejected seems to have collected itself on a concentrated deposit near the planet's surface.

Lucky us.

I'm talking.

A new celestial body is far too risky to land on.

And remote mineral extraction is an incredibly delicate, dangerous, difficult operation.

Guys, seriously.

You've gotta let a brother finish.

Thank you.

Now, I know remote extraction is difficult.

I know that.

But we happen to have a crew member who spent their whole life learning extraction.

It's Tina.

It's me.

Tina is good for something?

Wow, that was a curveball.

Anything that's worth a damn in Uzbekistan is miles underground.

That's sad.

All right, show us what you got, super star.

Okay, activate hand control simulation.

So the planet is growing too dense for our extraction equipment.

So our window is extremely limited.

We have 12 hours to drill in and extend our microfilaments.

Once we extract all the ore, we'll have the auto thrusters go down and collect the container, bringing it back onto the ship.

And while I'm doing this, I need, full concentration, okay?

So no distractions, no talking to me, no talking around me, no baking.

Do not be smelly, do not be ugly, do not be fat.

Oh, sorry that's me.

Just oh.

Wow, it's a message from Ted.

Natasha, would you please play private message 183?

Hey, turkey.

He called me, turkey.

You left for space an hour ago.

And it just feels like things have changed.

I think this long distance thing is not working.

As you know, I like to keep it classy.

So I'm gonna put a one week time lag on this message.

I want you to have a nice first couple of days on the ship, believing someone loves you.

Have fun, buddy.

Hey.

How we doing there, Teenz? Huh.

It's fine. It's, I'm good because it's mutual.

That can't possibly be true.

All right, let's do it again.

Ready?

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Okay.

She, she just destroyed a planet?

Okay, let's just take a breather, okay?

And Tina, you think you'll be ready in our little life or death timeframe?

Yeah. Yeah.

She's ready.

The fact that no one loves you anymore shouldn't affect your ability to complete this operation.

Christ, Kent.

Whoa. It shouldn't.

I should be fine.

I'm sure I'll just forget about my soulmate by breakfast.

That would be great, thank you.

We're all gonna die.

Alone.

Kent.

S01E04
Ted Talks

Oh, she made that look really easy.

Let me try.

I've never done minerals, but I got a sweet B plus in liquid extraction.

What? No way, this thing is rigged.

I gather this is a very advanced and sensitive piece of equipment?

Mind if I give it a try?

Thank you very much for the opportunity.

I, I didn't even touch it. Aw, jeez.

Great, that's everybody.

I haven't tried yet.

Oh, really, you think, you can do it?

No, but.

Michael, let's not waste time.

It's fine to fail once in a while.

It's not a failure if it's impossible.

Great, we're screwed.

No, you guys, we're not screwed.

Because this breakup is the best thing that could ever happen to Tina, okay?

Cuz in a few hours she's gonna have grade A motor skills and a new appreciation for what's been in front of her this whole time.

Yeah, okay.

Zalian, go get the retrieval thrusters prepped.

Tina gets the ore out, we want to yank it up quick.

Can Art help?

Yeah. Sure you should feel free to try.

Zip.

Art.

Close the door.

I'm sorry.

I think retrieval storage is, like, up ahead and to the left.

Oh, I know.

I'm just delighting in all the new doors I'm empowered to open.

Yes sir, they say.

Right away, mister honorary crew member, sir.

Bang, there you go. Watch this one, all in the wrist.

Little slow on that door, he's fired.

Who hoo!

Hello nurse.

Art, that room's restricted.

Jackpot.

You found the thrusters?

Better.

I found something that's probably none of our business.

Where did all this come from?

I think I know.

The Cruiser was supposedly built by MTV Global.

This ship was a flying reality show.

Yeah, here it is right here.

Real World Road Rules Challenge Moonferno.

Reality, huh?

It was banned when we were kids.

I've always been curious.

Good heavens, we can see every nook and cranny.

Yeah, these reality ships were equipped with hundreds of flying micro cameras.

I guess they never deactivated ours.

Did they have them in the bathrooms?

Art, listen, man, you gotta knock this off.

Hey, you like baseball.

Come on, we need to find the thrusters so we can pull up that fuel.

Hey, we're on TV.

Hey, good looking.

I'm a robot, mm, mm, mm.

I'm a human, mm, mm, mm.

Freakazoid robots report to Cruiser.

That's kinda r*cist.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

The planet's surface has hardened from a cream cheese consistency to more of a Camembert type feel.

In eight hours we'll be off the cheese scale entirely.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get Tina feeling better quickly?

Just shout it out Kent.

This may sound unorthodox, but what about hitting her with our fists?

No, Kent.

Nothing above the neck.

What about if we just do a scared straight deal, you know what I mean?

Kidnap her, make her think she's going to die.

Why is that your solution to everything?

I've just scanned our entire library full of self-help books, popular films, television shows.

All concerning the topic of heartbreak and the solution is clear.

It can't be.

It's the only way.

What is it?

Girl's night.

Oh, fun.

Damn it.

We all know full well how unstable Girls Night trios can be.

Two of us will inevitably pair off and make fun of me, the third one.

Well, in desperate times a non-threatening kinda male could serve as a proxy girl.

I just threatened a woman less than a minute ago.

Yeah, so Kent is out.

Ideally someone bland.

Where's Michael?

You're staring right at me.

Hey, Teen.

Can you pick me up some of that mayonnaise I love?

Thanks, buddy.

Kay, do you remember what I did?

Right away?

Hey, Tina.

How you doing?

I'm dying.

Touch her.

Show some empathy.

Ew. No. Weird. You do it.

You're closer.

And I'm made of light.

That's it. Just a little.

Say it.

You know what you need, girl?

What?

Is a good old-fashioned Girls Night out, with all your best girlfriends.

All my best girlfriends are on Earth.

All your best ship girlfriends, then.

God, Jesus Christ, I put on lipstick for this.

Well it's a pretty nice spread here, huh?

Saltines, harsh mint gum, half a bottle of margarita mix.

This is awful, why can't we drink?

Because we need you to operate some pretty delicate machinery.

I operate delicate machinery better when I'm just a little bit hung over and she's doing it, look it.

This glass represents an alteration I made to my programming.

It emulates the gradual loss of cognitive processes that you two would experience if this party wasn't so lame.

Hey.

Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be at Girls Night?

They where doing makeovers in there.

So, I faked a panic att*ck.

It turned into a real one, so I'll go back soon.

A lot of guys would k*ll to be at Girls Night.

What are you doing?

I know, I know.

It's where all the big business decisions are made.

But tonight ain't about business.

Your sister only wants me to be there because she's had a thing for me since the academy.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think so, you know, she's never mentioned you once.

Well, what does that tell you?

What are you doing?

Oh nothing, just some Plan B stuff.

You know, trying to figure out how many of us can survive in this escape pod if we don't get fuel.

Yeah man, we are both in deep pickles.

Michael, your hour of medical exemption is over.

Please report to the crew lounge for your scheduled fun as soon as possible.

Hello Kent.

Correct.

Captain, I have a social proposal, that you and I engage in what we will call a Boys Night.

Oh no.

Is that jerky?

It is beef jerky in a sack.

Looks like we have a rather grotesque Boys Night on our hands.

Hold this piece and I'll munch on it.

No, Kent, no.

Are you gonna help me with this?

In a minute.

Why don't we check in on the ladies.

Ladies.

One of my two favorite genders.

Michael will be back any minute.

I hope he hasn't been drinking.

Cuz you know he's gonna to be all over me.

What do you mean all over you?

Well he's, well he's just had sorta a thing for me.

Really?

I never noticed that.

Like, not ever, not once.

Ever.

Never.

We were lab partners in the academy.

He accidentally spilled boric acid all over our flight suits.

And there we were bottomless in the chemical showers.

You can guess what happened next.

Yeah, you got it on.

We got boric acid poisoning.

He's, like, been completely obsessed with me ever since.

Are you talking about the Michael that we know?

Yeah.

Is it Michael Jacksonburg?

No, the Michael from the ship, my story made that perfectly clear.

This Michael?

That Michael?

Hm?

Oh, Natasha you look nice.

Tina you look nice.

Thank you.

Karen you look nice.

You look nice too.

She's out of control.

So this pod is three and a half meters wide and five meters long.

Which means six adults, plus Art, plus rations, plus weaponry.

What is the default penis look like.

What?

You know the standard model.

What's the platonic ideal that I should be pining for?

Back in the academy all the other guys looked different than mine.

Of course it's probably selection bias.

These are the people who wanted to show me their penises.

Please stop saying that word.

Oh, Art.

Can you give me a hand with this?

In a minute.

I think this might finally be getting interesting.

Oh, yeah. I know that one.

That's the one where they hang glide in Sedona, right?

No, no, no.

You're thinking of Sedona Air, which also had Lee Mayne in it.

Nope. t*rture.

Pure, unadulterated t*rture.

Mine's not the same.

Not in look, not in feel, aroma.

Kent, I appreciate you helping me measure this escape pod, but I'm trying to formulate a survival plan here.

And I am with you.

I downloaded all the movies in the ship's computer whose descriptions included the keywords guys, boys, or men.

Of course, you did.

First up is Pixar's Boys.

Is it?

Featuring the vocal talent of the then unknown, Lee Mayne.

What you need is a guy who appreciates quality apples.

We gotta turn this off, we gotta get back to work.

What are you saying? You're just gonna walk away?

Our lives depend on this retrieval mission and this is boring.

When reality doesn't have enough drama in it, you don't just give up, you intervene.

Playing a little God never hurt anyone.

Initiate a tequila protocol.

It's time to get this party started.

Oh yeah, this is what I'm talking about.

Oh, where did this come from?

Oh, you asked a question you got to take a sh*t.

How is that a rule?

Karen asked a question, Karen takes a sh*t.

I have a question.

Can I take a sh*t?

All right, new rule.

No sh*ts for anybody.

Listen to me.

We've got less than five hours to mine this fuel.

And your are the only person on this ship who can do it.

And if you don't do it we will be stuck here in the freezing nothingness of space.

All right?

Guess what, Karen?

I'm already lost in the freezing nothingness of Ted dumped me.

Oooh!

So guess what again, also?

I'm gonna drink until I like myself.

Or until we sh*t ourselves.

Whatever comes first.

Okay.

To Girls Night.

Still have to find out where that music's coming from.

I know, I need this playlist.

Natasha, we have four hours until that planet cools.

Do you have any updates?

Yeah, I got an update.

Your pupils are dilating!

Somebody's horny.

It's me. It's me.

You too, you horny too!

So you know, I'm only doing this so Tina kills that extraction tomorrow.

It's not like I'm having any fun with you.

Like I am not having any fun with you.

I hate this.

And we're only doing this for a mission, so.

Back to back my friend you know it's true, because boys are people too.

Excellent.

That's right.

For a while, it seemed like the central boy might not succeed in wooing the central girl.

But, in time, he did.

Something clean and satisfying about that.

Well, it doesn't always work that way in real life, Kent.

You know, sometimes the central boy never gets life back.

That's a shame.

Yeah.

Okay, there's no way that all eight of us are gonna subsist in this escape pod. I mean, it's too heavy.

It's too crowded, and there's not enough food.

Wasn't that obvious?

I realized that the second I came in here.

Kent, there is no plan B.

Tina needs to extract that fuel.

Okay? It has to be Tina.

We need girl's night to work.

I highly doubt that it will.

No amount of girls can fill a boy shaped hole.

Wait, so what you're, what you're saying is we need to find Tina a man?

Who, who, who do you think it should be?

Well, I suppose it should be you, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

You have successfully led this ship through a series of increasingly dire and unprecedented circumstances.

Yeah.

You tower above all the other men at a massive five-nine.

Fair points. Yeah, yeah, fair points.

There's somewhere you need to go, sir.

I would be happy to attend to the emergency procedures.

He's gonna tell Tina how he feels.

Caution to the wind.

Heart on his sleeve.

This is gonna be delicious.

No.

Yeah, it's the girls will take care of Tina.

You know I should, I should really work on this escape plan.

Oh come on.

Dammit, go to her.

You know, Ted used to take a lot of photos of me, like candids and closeups, and kneelies and sleepies and ones of my feet.

He's such a great guy.

We're losing her.

You know what you need is a good hook up tonight.

Yes. The endorphins would actually improve your mood and hopefully, in turn, your job performance.

Yeah, I, I guess I could knock the dust off of it.

Well, hello skipper, fancy bumping into you here.

Did you prep those thrusters?

Sure. Now listen.

You and Tina tonight.

Let's make this happen.

Wait, how did you know about?

Look Art, we need Tina for something super important tomorrow so I should.

All the more reason.

Maybe a declaration of love is exactly what she needs to hear.

I have it on good authority that she recently expressed interest in knocking the dust off of it.

That doesn't sound anything like Tina.

Actually it kind of does doesn't it?

It's a short sentence.

Yeah, she says stuff like that.

But how do you know that she wants me to, you know, sex her up?

You're the captain.

Don't think it through, just act.

Hey captain, fancy bumping into you here, I'm looking for a trash can, I've got to get rid of these ice cold clamaritas and about 300 rose petals.

Give me those.

Oh.

You sure he's the one you want?

Yeah, he seems nice.

I like him.

I'll lead you down there.

Come on.

Wait, where did you go?

Natasha?

Hello.

This way.

Oh, okay.

Go get them dog.

Woof woof.

Dog?

That's what you say to her?

God, you don't know anything about sex.

Oh, I know about sex.

You want me to show you what I know about sex?

What is that, your sex voice?

Maybe.

If you now wish to participate in non-binding, two party consensual sex, please say agree.

Agree.

Agree.

What's your bra PIN?

Four, eleven, eight-two.

Oh, your brother's birthday?

It's a long story, don't worry about it.

What's your fly pin?

Four, eleven, eighty-two.

I was his baby sitter for years.

Shut up and just let me get this.

Okay Captain Stewart, come on.

We're doing this. We're, we're doing it.

We're just talking to Tina. We're just talking.

We're just gonna be cool. We're gonna be chill and cool, okay?

Don't propose. Do not freaking propose, Stewart.

Okay, why'd you buy this ring already?

Stewart?

Hey, hi!

Tina! Hey!

I was just gonna come talk to you, actually.

I don't wanna talk.

I'm too horny.

Wow.

That's perfect, you know, for the sake of the crew.

Hey, I have something for you.

It's really happening. It's happening right now.

This very moment.

My whole life I've, what, who is that?

This is Abram.

Yeah, Natasha defrosted him for me.

What is this place?

Okay, too many questions.

You're gonna go to my room and, you know, take it out, okay?

Leave your hat on.

Aye, did you need to talk to me about something.

Are those clamaritas? Can I borrow these?

I'm guessing there's a cryogenic chamber somewhere on board?

Oh, yeah, that's in case they did a reunion show.

This is Abram, Amish eco skateboarder.

He made it to the final challenge of the moonferno.

Oh yes, now I remember, his twin brother d*ed right in front of him.

Ugh, they used to show so many horrible things and nobody seemed to care.

We're monsters.

Is there a Denny's around here?

Natasha, how much time do we have?

Okay, that's scary. Put it away.

Extraction gear's on the planet.

Ready the drills.

Come on. How was your night?

Bad.

Yeah. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Did you guys get drunk?

Wasn't the plan.

I don't even know where the liquor came from.

Oh, my God, it's bright in here.

Natasha, please tell me that Tina's good to go and that we didn't just do all that for nothing.

I'm not sure.

I'm embarrassed to admit it.

But my memories from last night are incomplete.

I lost track of our girl.

Somebody found her, believe me.

Probably found her a couple of times.

Multiple times, from multiple angles.

Mm-hm.

My data confirms someone had sex on the ship last night.

I didn't know you logged that.

All right, I'm ready. Activate the drill.

Bridge crew, prepare for extraction.

All right.

Hold on.

Breathe.

What is wrong, Tina?

Well, I tried to sleep with that weird President-looking guy, like you guys wanted me to.

But I just kept thinking about Ted and how I want the next time to be special.

You know what?

And then this guy was circumcised.

Oh.

Oh, the Amish are so behind the times.

I know, it's barbaric.

And then, he was like, space ships are against my faith.

And, where am I, and who am I, end me.

So, I, I let him go out the air lock.

You let him go out the air lock?

Yeah, whoops.

We have 20 minutes.

Can you do this?

I'm sorry.

What do we do?

The only thing we can do.

Girl's brunch.

No, no, it's not BFFs she needs.

It's T-E-D.

It's Ted, cuz sometimes you hold onto the idea of something even if you know it's not gonna work out.

Sorry.

I'm still drunk.

Play new message from Ted.

Hey, Teen.

I was just kidding.

I love you.

Mayonnaise.

I think she bought it.

Guys, I know I've been a real on sticks.

No.

Just a little bit.

Thanks so much for taking care of me and the video.

Well, that was from Ted.

No, it was from my girls.

Oh, girls.

All right, all right, all right, we've got four minutes.

Come on.

Four minutes.

Go, go, go go.

Extraction sequence initiated.

Captain, I have important news.

I detected an anomaly in the starboard quadrant.

I took this enhanced screenshot and saved it on the shared drive.

Natasha, can you open the shared drive, drive E?

Kent's stuff > My stuff > My pictures > Recent pictures > Yesterday > Space sh*ts > Screenshots > Screenshots of space > Latest album > Last import> surprisingnewthing, all lower case, one word.

Kent.

That's where it is.

I found it, calm down.

Can you please put it up?

Thank you.

Kent, you're mixed up.

That's Pluto.

Precisely.

That former planet turned orbiting punchline is now here in our universe.

But, how?

It seems that matter native to our home universe is somehow leaking into this universe like so much effluvia.

Seems that ripples may be more frequent than we thought, which means.

We can go home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's assuming that Tina can even pull this off.

I mean, that...

Extraction complete.

Great job, Tina. Great job.

Bravo. Yay. Okay, let's get the ore out and be on our way.

Captain, the retrieval thrusters aren't f*ring.

What?

Zalian, what's going on?

It's just not f*ring, Captain.

Well, you primed and tested them, right?

I what's primed and tested these days, with this Congress?

We just lost the cargo, sir.

Oh.

Well we're certainly not gonna get anywhere without any fuel.

The only way to retrieve it would be to risk a planet landing.

This is all on your shoulders.

Zalian, we can't get rid of you, but Art you're suspended.

For what?

Oh, I see, yeah.

This is the right thing to do, you know it is Art.

I don't want to watch those bastards anymore anyway.

I will never forgive them for judging me based solely on my actions.

Yeah, well we blew it and we gotta take responsibility.

Farewell reality programming, you were a velvet prison.

Hey, you know what, I got an idea.

I could go the bathroom and you can watch me.

Friends to the end.

Yep, you got that right.

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