01x07 - First Contact

[bunniefuu]

Yahoo!

This universe collides with our universe in three days at coordinates directly in front of us.

Our simulation gives us a 99.8% chance of traveling through the resulting fissure and 94.3% chance at arriving on earth just in time for a modest parade.

Oh my God, I look great.

Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

There's still a lot that we don't know.

Exactly.

We don't know what city this parade is in, or what street.

Will there be an old time-y fire truck at the parade?

Can I ring the bell on that fire truck?

Hey, if there's a bell, I wanna get in on that action.

Okay, guys, I don't think UMP is gonna throw us a parade just for getting lost.

We are not coming back empty handed.

We have sand, rocks, and dirt.

Those are obviously amazing.

I just hoped that we found something cooler to show for all this, you know?

Cheer up Stewart.

It's like the first time humans went to the moon.

All they brought back where some rocks.

Was it underwhelming? Sure.

Was everyone embarrassed for them? Of course.

But they where treated like heroes all the same and we'll be lied to similarly.

Damn that feels good.

Oh my God, Natasha, lights on bright.

Lights on bright, Captain.

No, more, more, lights on jarringly bright, lights on blinding.

Red alert.

Red alert!

S01E07
First Contact

All right, what is the emergency Stewart?

Don't worry, this is a good emergency.

Ready?

An alien entered my mind while I was sleeping and tried to speak to me.

Ugh!

Wait guys, where are you going?

Stewart, we get it.

You're bummed because you're not going home with any magic space trophies.

You dreamed of an alien.

Mystery solved.

Let's go.

No, no, no. This might have been first contact, okay?

This was a for real, intelligent, come in peace type alien, not some lying fungus with great hair.

Oh, Chad.

I miss Chad.

Yeah!

I miss him too.

Whatever happened to him anyway?

He exploded, we k*lled him.

That's right.

This was a sentient intelligence trying to communicate.

We only have so much time left in this universe, we should try to learn from him while we still can.

Oh, Stewart and the alien in a tree.

Okay, that was uncalled for, who's excited?

No one.

Nobody. Come on.

Wow Stewart, who's wearing the front half of that horse costume?

Okay, relax Art, these are UMP issued, we all wear these to bed.

No? I thought it was mandatory.

All right just hurry up and go to sleep.

So here is how this is going to work.

While I'm asleep you guys watch the dream scanner for the alien.

Then I kind of need to sneak up on myself.

Natasha, play my favorite sleep sounds.

Whoosh.

Wind.

Whoosh again, wind again, whoosh.

You do this for him every night?

Every night.

Whoosh.

He sleeps like a masturbating baboon.

I've spent over 90% of my life asleep in a mucus pod, but this feels like a waste of my time.

Whoosh.

I want to go to sleep.

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

Woosh.

Michael, underpants.

Kent nipple rocket.

What are we doing?

Then why is she wearing your boxers?

For the last time, we were on that planet for months.

Time moves slower in proportion to our proximity to the surface because of a non-typical disruption in it's gravitational field!

Why is that so hard to understand?

I understand, Michael! I understand!

Well then why are we still yelling and arguing?

Everyone can hear us.

The walls on this ship were designed to withstand laser blasts and meteor storms.

No one can hear us.

These walls are mainly decorative and, in truth, the fact that you're still alive is crazy.

I wonder what Earth's like, do you think humans still exist.

We've only been gone 12 days.

Okay, well, they still exist, but the monkeys have taken over.

Or zombies, or neo-Soviets.

Personally, I'll be sad to leave the ship.

I've grown to enjoy the idiosyncrasies that make you so very, would you stop leering at me?

Of course.

Smile with the teeth, leer with the lips.

My apologies.

Once we part ways, none of these social conventions will matter.

Does that mean you will also be leaving UMP?

Yes, I have a grant to study the human emotion of revulsion at the Desoto Institute of Negative Feelings.

Did everybody just leave while I was dream casting?

Sorry.

I told you guys to watch, I'm still your captain when I'm asleep.

I know but it was boring and sucked, so we left.

Did you find the alien?

He didn't show up this time.

Stewart, only the most selfish and deluded captain would put his crew through last night's debacle again.

That's it, Art.

You're genius!

Hey, hey. Come with me.

I, I told you people not to roll me.

It's very humiliating.

He's so cute.

We've been arguing all night and I still can't tell if you're upset or not.

I can't believe, they've been arguing all night.

When we're going home, it's so petty.

Of all people, Tina?

That airhead who could barely even do her own job.

Everybody shut up they're talking about me.

I bet she'll make captain before you do.

Aah!

Oh my God.

She slapped me.

Physical v*olence detected.

Hey, guys.

Physical v*olence detected.

Is that Michael?

Physical v*olence detected.

How was your night?

Physical v*olence.

So, when the alien appears, do not wake me, okay?

Give him a chance to communicate with me.

Yes, in that very plausible scenario, I will not wake you.

He really does sleep like a masturbating baboon.

I can't believe it.

My very own spaceship.

He's dreaming he has his own job.

Whoa, it spins!

Great interior life there Stew.

Oh, it goes the other way.

Stewart, Stewart, Stewart.

Whoops.

Didn't see me there?

I did it on purpose.

I gave you crazy elbow boob.

Okay, okay, now we're cooking.

Do you wanna spin in my chair with me?

It goes all the way around.

Ooh, the plot stiffens.

Captain Stewart Lipinski.

Did you see that?

Did you see the alien?

Yes, that assh*le completely obscured the sex dream you were having about Tina.

Oh, Tina?

Tina from the ship?

What?

That's so random.

Oh, yeah.

Art, the sexual nature of the dreams might be key to establishing a mind link.

The alien could be communicating to me through sex dreams.

It makes perfect sense.

I couldn't even make out what it was saying.

Well, that dream was pretty tame.

Surely the signal would be stronger if the dreams were sexier.

True filth is what I'd like to see.

For science.

I mean, if that's what it takes.

Okay, how do I get dirtier dreams?

Oh, there's a way.

You're about to know yourself in ways you will regret.

All right, Michael, before you say anything.

We are in a very stressful situation, emotions are running high.

Maybe I didn't act appropriately, maybe we both didn't, maybe it was just you.

The point is, we are good, okay?

So back to business as usual.

Actually, I filed a report about the incident.

You struck an inferior.

That is a major violation of UMP personnel protocol.

And the Be a Buddy Not a Bully campaign.

You're looking at dishonorable discharge.

You would do that to me?

We're not sweeping this under the rug, Karen.

Everything I do gets swept under the rug.

Well guess what?

The under-rug area is full.

As it turns out, all violation reports go to the Captain, i.e my little brother who lives and dies by my approval.

So.

Unfortunately, as your brother, Stewart is ineligible to arbitrate this complaint.

It falls on the next highest ranking officer.

First Officer Lipinski.

Hi.

The official UMP disciplinary tablet.

And the official gender neutral arbitration pantsuit.

Don't worry, I won't even take into account all of the bitchy things you've done to me over the years.

Oh.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm preparing these samples for home.

I've grown somewhat attached to these piles.

It will be difficult to say goodbye to them.

Anything else that you're gonna have trouble saying goodbye to?

If you're referring to this containers.

Then, no.

I actually found dealing with them to be frustrating.

Kent, what's gonna to happen us when we get home?

You will remain aboard this ship indefinitely.

And I will resume the arduous task of trying to please my mother.

The chances of us seeing each other again are miniscule.

But I thought you said you loved me?

And I know you said you said you loved me.

Well, I did say that I said that.

And I did say it.

That thing that I said, that I said, that I said remains true.

That's beautiful.

But our feelings are contingent on context, proximity, outside of this isolated, stressful environment, it's possible that we would have very little to say to one another.

Well, I have very little to say to you right now.

I'm going to turn around now.

Please resume the elevator.

I am closing my eyes now.

We both know you can discern shapes through your paper thin eyelids.

That is a huge necklace.

I know!

Zalian?

Yeah.

I would like some dr*gs, please and thank you.

I don't have any dr*gs.

And I certainly wouldn't admit it to you, the captain.

It's true.

Captain Lipinski cannot be buying dr*gs from you.

But, your friend Stewart.

Of course, my friend Stewart.

I, sorry I keep getting you confused with Captain Lipinski because you're like a shorter, chubbier version of him.

I was actually, nevermind.

What is your pleasure?

I thought that was the air ventilation panel.

Yeah, we're not doing that anymore.

We've got uppers, downers, screamers, laughers, new cocaine, and cocaine classic.

Wow, what a collection.

Art mentioned that you might have something that would give my dreams a little more oomph.

Erotic oomph.

Oh, there is one drug that is known to inspire those kinda dreams.

Llamaphederol.

Llamaphederol.

Right.

Have you ever bopped a lammie?

I did once.

Thought I could handle it.

They found me two days later stuck to a wall.

I need this Zalian as a friend.

I don't think so.

Okay, I'm your Captain.

No.

That's an order.

Captain Lipinski, it is you.

I can't make first contact clean.

This could be the drug deal that changes history forever.

Okay, fine.

I don't want you taking more than one.

I won't.

First Officer Lipinski then suggested that UMP Navigator Tina Shukshin, is only able to successfully navigate a set of male genitalia.

Now did you say she actually used the words male genitalia?

Yes.

Officer Lipinski is extremely uncomfortable with slang.

Slang is stupid.

Why don't we just call things what they're called?

It makes words silly and fun to say.

You were saying?

There was some speculation about the difference in intelligence.

Between Navigator Shukshin and that of a similarly sized lump of excrement.

The difference was said to be negligible.

Hm.

This is ridiculous.

My career is on the line here, and our arbitrator has an obvious conflict of interest.

Per UMP Regulation Gamma 19, when the testimony includes inflammatory hearsay about the arbitrator, the arbitrator then has the discretion to not recuse themselves.

Prosecution rests.

You're not the prosecution, you idiot.

You see this?

Day one, we're on the verge of a major discovery and the path is beset with dangers.

I'm recording this journal as a guidebook and gift to future generations.

I'm about to take my first lammie.

Standby.

That's all I can do is standby.

Pillow softness, very pleasant.

Sleepiness, yawn, increasing.

Arousal, oh my.

Bad news captain, we've entered an alternate universe.

Of pleasure.

Let me lower my shields.

I am ready to eject.

Wow, you're just going right for it.

Activating beacon on the following frequencies and I will make contact.

He, he wants us to activate some sort of beacon.

I just need to calculate what frequency he's on.

Stew, I hate to bail on some good old-fashioned smut, but I, I should go.

If you're too weirded out by this.

You can leave.

Ha, this is baby stuff.

Not even the kinda baby stuff I like, where adults dress up in diapers and burp each other.

Jesus.

Heck, take two lammies, for all I care.

Okay.

Oh God.

Kent, you're looking well.

Agreed.

Fair warning.

When we return to Earth, I will signing up for the following match making services.

I just don't want things to be, you know, awkward.

You know, should you happen upon one of my flawless universally compatible profiles.

Thank you for the warning.

I understand that you need human companionship, and I wish you the best of luck finding someone.

In other words, I have not succeeded in making you jealous?

Well, I did not realize that that was your goal.

But no, you have not succeeded.

Oh.

Even though you are not visible on the screen, you are still for all intents and purposes here.

Natasha, you're behaving irrationally.

And our bond was forged in the white hot flames of cold logic.

There's nothing rational about love.

I can't believe I'm defending logic to a turing machine.

Oh.

I'm really leaving now so get used to life without me.

Hi Stewart, how's it going?

You find that alien yet?

Not yet, I actually took two lammies this time but I don't think it worked.

You wanna double your fun, bump around with me and my twin?

Yes?

What's up, I'm Tina.

Hey you were right, he's pretty cute.

Oh dear god, they're fraternal.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

What's wrong with you?

I was so close to decoding the message.

I thought this was what you wanted.

Watching an acquaintance fantasize about sex was a wonderful idea in theory, but somewhere, somehow, it started to feel yucky.

We need to find that beacon frequency, and you're gonna help me, or else.

Be a buddy not a bully, Stewart.

I don't need you anyway.

I don't know who you are but I'm coming for you.

Well, I think I'm ready to make my decision.

Well, I'd like to make a statement.

The truth is, I did slap you.

Yes, I know that.

Yeah. Yeah, but it was a light slap.

And in Naples, Italy, on Earth, it is a gesture known as Obello.

It is considered harmless, this is the way that I greet all of my friends.

Your last name is Lipinski.

Italian by birth?

No.

But I maintain I am Italian by tradition, my fondness for pizza is well documented.

How dare you.

What appears to be a slap was merely a customary gesture, okay?

So if you were going to find me guilty of violating UMP's policy against slapping, then you should find yourselves guilty of violating UMP's even more serious policy against racism.

You don't know the Obello Exemption, Tina?

Well, check your precious HR manual.

It's in there.

Yeah, no, I mean, I just have to check the cooperation of the...

Yeah, I'm just gonna take a second.

You're a monster.

You're the one trying to get me fired.

Well, if this is the way you treat people who care about you, maybe you should be fired.

Michael, listen to me.

We are going to be home soon and we are going to put all this craziness behind us, and we can finally start to think about what's going to be with you and me.

And I don't think that you want to be somebody who stops me from making captain.

Amazing, you won't even apologize?

Well I'm afraid you're out of luck, Captain, oh wait, you're not a captain and you're never gonna be one.

There is a possible exemption for light contact.

Mi amigo.

That's Spanish.

Physical v*olence detected.

Physical v*olence detected.

Physical v*olence detected.

I know, I know, I know you guys are right.

You know I was out of control.

You start to realize you can put almost anything almost anywhere.

You know when it comes right down to it we're all just sticks and holes.

It's time your friend Stewart became Captain Lipinski again.

Well congratulations on your promotion.

Cool, so just give all the lammies you have and I'll throw them away.

Why don't I just throw them away.

No, you've got so much on your plate.

No, I just usually just sit here.

Yeah, but Zalian you're so good at it so I'll take care of it.

Please I just need that beacon frequency, I'm one dream away, please.

Zalian.

Leave us.

This could get ugly.

You know where he hides them, right?

I know it's inside that air ventilation panel.

What's the passcode?

I'm doing this for you.

No!

Open that, open up, don't you fall asleep!

No!

Don't, get out of sleep mode, get out, Art, please.

Natasha.

Request conversation.

Granted, with the provision that I be permitted to begin said conversation.

Agreed.

Be advised that my intended comments are apologetic in nature.

After some reflection I have concluded that my anger was misplaced.

You were, as always, correct.

The odds of our relationship surviving are effectively nonexistent.

In our current forms.

However, I have been brainstorming some practical solutions.

Solution the first, I could harvest and sell some of my spare organs, eyes, genitals, the glamour stuff.

No.

Get some money on the black market, and use it to by a cyborg body for you.

Solution the second, we could remap your positronic matrix onto a gullible dolphin's brain.

We just have to find a stupid dolphin.

Some of them are very smart.

Very.

Deceptively, so.

They seem like morons, but they have a deep, deep inner life.

Mm-hm.

They could also take my organs.

Try and clone a body for you.

Of course I'm not licensed, it would be a gross violation of medical ethics.

But baby, I'd love to Frankenstein you into a meat husk.

I'd love to be Frankensteined.

Of course, you would be blind.

All you could do was scream.

Oh, Kent.

I know. Barely half those ideas even sound workable.

It's not that.

Tina just asked me to pull up the UMP HR manual for Italian greeting rituals.

I continue to read on and found this.

Lee Main did not play the original Vito Corleone.

Fun fact, but no, that's not what I was talking about.

Like to see a source.

It's standard policy that when we return home, UMP completely...

Wipes your memory.

And my wardrobe, I'm guessing.

Leaves you refreshed, a blank slate for a subsequent crew.

I won't remember anything of a personal Nature.

In an effort to preserve privacy of the crew.

I read ahead. I read the whole thing very quickly.

I love how fast you read.

But you won't remember.

You won't remember anything about me.

Nothing.

Unless, we double cross the dolphin.

Make him think he's working for us.

Use him to develop a virus.

Let's just enjoy the time that we have together, leave the dolphin out of it.

Shall we count the stars?

2,941.

And 41.

Hm.

How's your face?

Right side is fine.

Left side is still pretty messed up.

Did you let Natasha look at it?

She said she was going through some stuff.

For me not to be a baby and to keep an eye on it.

Which I have been and I think it's getting worse.

God, Michael we all treat you like you don't even matter, it's like we sweep you under a rug or something.

Yeah, I said that earlier.

Well, whoever you said it to, I hope they listened.

And I'm worst of anyone, you know?

I hook up with you and then I ignore you and then I hear about you and Tina and I lose it.

Even though it has nothing to do with me in the first place.

Maybe you're right, you know?

If this is how I treat my friends, maybe I should be fired.

Okay, I'm ready to make a decision.

That was a nice speech.

But I still didn't hear a sorry.

I always forget the stupid sorry.

Mm.

Okay, I have reached a verdict.

So, if I find against Karen, then she will be immediately de-commissioned.

Okay, so as a mere civilian on this ship, she has no rights, no privileges.

Wait, I wanna say something.

Mm-hm?

I was wrong to bring UMP rules and regulations into this, but space exploration is hard.

Sometimes I feel like no one cares about what I have to say.

But today, I, I discovered that my friends do sort of listen to me.

So in accordance with UMP regulation alpha seven, I would like to withdraw...

Withdraw denied.

Great. You about to get sanctioned, son.

What? There are other parties that got hurt besides Michael, okay?

What are you talking about?

Oh my God, don't act like you don't remember.

Freshman year at the academy?

Last chance dance, we shared a bottle of Goldschlager, and you goldleafed my toilet.

And I brought you back to my bedroom, and I was very generous to you.

You're mad about our hook up?

I took care of you.

And then I was like is she gonna take care of me?

No, I guess not, cuz she's selfish.

But then you took care of Michael.

Now, I'm like what the hell?

You're mad at me for having sex with Tina, when you had sex with Tina too?

I mean, come on.

We were drunk, it was super awkward.

I thought I was great.

You weren't bad.

Michael, it was one night, all right.

I spent one night with Tina too.

Only that one night was several months because of the non...

All right, all right.

I found it.

I've been to the edge and back, but I have proof that there's an alien trying to contact us.

Stewart, you look like sh*t.

Well, I feel like the opposite of sh*t.

That's pee.

The opposite of sh*t is food.

Art, come on get in here.

Now play the recording of the last dream I had.

Are you sure you want to do this Stewart?

It's pretty raw stuff.

Oh no, it's okay.

I'm not ashamed.

No, no, not anymore.

The alien wasn't attracted to sex dreams.

He was attracted to love.

You're freaking me out, Stewart.

Also we just found out that your sister and your best friend have both made love with Tina.

What?

I don't know the euphemisms.

They both made sex on her?

What about bro code?

What about sis code?

Just pushing play now.

No, no, you know, this whole first contact thing is so stupid, let's not.

Too late, I already pushed it.

Why am I in your dream, Stewart?

Is there really an alien in here or is this just a horrific cry for help?

Just skip Art, just skip forward, please.

I love you.

Put a baby inside me.

Captain Stewart Lipinski activate a beacon on the following frequency.

Receiving frequencies, Captain.

Did you take her name?

Don't tell Mom.

Listen, I owe you an apology.

That thing with Karen really taught me a lot.

Sometimes friends should just talk.

I should have told you about Tina.

Stewart, alien's here.

Wait, wait, I thought we were gonna have a moment.

Michael there's an alien.

But if you want you can stay here and say what you want to say.

To an empty room?

You'd be okay with that?

Just lock up after you're done. Thanks.

Yahoo!