03x00 - Amy Goes Deep

[bunniefuu]

But this was my grandma's.

Mmm-hmm.

She was buried in this.

Hi...

Hi!

Tiffany.

Great to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Thank you so much for meeting with us. I know you're booked for months.

No, it's fine. Um...

Wait. Are these engagement photo-sh**t that much of a thing?

Uh, yeah. I do as many of those as weddings now.

You know, engagement sh**t are the single best way to rub your happiness in the fat, townie face of every person you went to grade school with.

Yes! That is exactly what I said.

Remember the fat, townie face... Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you said that.

What are you doing?

Okay, so I was thinking that we would start under the tree.

Tiffany: Okay? So just like...

Amy: Under the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just back up because, you know, when people are engaged they hang out under trees.

Ready?

Mmm-hmm.

Tiffany: Okay, nice.

Okay, so. Okay, stop. Stop. No.

Is this your first engagement?

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Yeah, you don't...

You don't look at the camera, okay?

That's a real rookie mistake. Okay?

So you're in love, so look at each other.

Oh, okay.

Okay, good. Look at each other.

Tiffany: You're so in love.

More in love than anyone has ever been.

Babe, look at me.

Tiffany: Amazing. Amazing.

You guys make Romeo and Juliet look like f*ck buddies ping-ponging hepatitis.

Amy, you're tiny. Be tiny.

You know, like a baby. You're like covered in placenta.

Your lungs filling with fluid.

Cute. You know I was thinking you could lift her.

Like... I don't think...

No, you know what? Amy, I want you to be dead weight.

Dead.

Like really dead weight, okay?

You got to like, really... Yes, good. Light as a feather.

Just like a feather you wanna f*ck.

This guy's obsessed with you and will be forever.

Babe, you're obsessed with me.

Stop ruining this.

Oh, God.

Amy, come here. I want you to cower.

Brendan, just dominate her.

Like I wanna... Like I wanna r*pe her?

Yes-ish.

Let me see the fear. Cute.

And, Amy, laugh.

(Laughs)

Laugh.

What are we laughing at?

It's a really private joke that only you two can understand.

Yeah, like when... About your mom's, um...

Well, that's not a joke. That really happened.

Well, Gilbert Grape's based on his mom. It's stupid. Nobody cares.

(Laughs)

How about a kiss? Nice.

Little tongue... A little tongue.

Yes, pretty.

You know what? Soon-Yi, get in there.

What?

Tiffany: Get in there, Soon-Yi.

Let's show these people we don't live by the rules.

Soon-Yi, look happy, look into it.

You guys are gonna lose so many Facebook friends to su1c1de from this.

(Laughs) Yes, yes. I want that.

Okay, so now, here's the part where we change into the old-timey bathing costumes and we're going to re-enact the entire movie, The Notebook.

Uh-huh.

We didn't even see that movie, babe.

Yeah, but we love the movie idea. We'd love the movie...

Um, so what's the most intimate movie you can think of?

I've got it.

I want a fiancé.

<b><font color=#004F8C>Ripped By mstoll</b></font>

So, Jack, you and I just met a couple of days ago when we flew cross-country together.

Absolutely.

Let's talk about it.

Okay.

All right, first of all, cheers, it's a pleasure to be drinking with you again.

After a glass of Champagne.

Mmm-hmm.

I wasn't planning on drinking, but then, when you asked for Champagne, I said, "Well, I'm not gonna let this man drink alone."

You were very surprised, 'cause, we hadn't said, "Hello" or anything, but, I said "Cheers"

(Chuckles) and then we cheered.

Absolutely.

I saw that you were wearing a wedding ring and I said, "How'd you meet your wife?"

And I said I didn't have a wife.

Right and then, I said, "Oh, what happened?"

And then you said...

"I'm married to a guy."

Exactly.

Enter, Tom.

Is this real?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

Welcome, Tom.

How long have you two been married?

Six and a half years.

And how long have you been together?

Forty-eight.

I said, "How did you two meet?"

And I was very ready for like, a beautifully romantic tale.

Well, it wasn't. (Laughing)

No.

So, tell us your origin story.

I noticed this guy, coming along, who was attractive and I figured, it might be worth chatting a bit.

(Amy laughing)

And this is called, "Cruising."

"Cruisin'."

He can embellish this, go ahead.

I saw this person coming and I thought, "That poor guy, he must get cruised right and left. And he's on his way home to his wife and his two children."

Yeah.

When, I just said, "I'm Tom Fleming."

Which, I think surprised him.

So, you guys meet and you start dating and you like each other...

Was it... When did you fall in love?

Uh...

Why are you laughing at that Tom?

I don't know...

Go, go ahead.

You put on a date on that, I can't.

Jack: Uh, we didn't fall in love, we learned how to love.

That's how, more the way to put it.

Okay.

There was no, "Bang."

Yeah, well...

Um, so, you learned how to love each other. How would you say you did that?

We do respect each other. We don't always agree.

That's for sure.

Not at all.

(Laughing)

Not at all.

What do you guys argue about?

Both: Anything.

(Laughing)

Anything at all.

I mean, how fast you're drinking that drink, or...

Yeah, sorry, I'll catch up.

Both: No, no, no, no.

You're legally blind, what happened, when did you lose vision?

Uh, it all happened over a six week period.

Six weeks.

About seven years ago, now.

It's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, because, being totally independent, going from there to absolutely...

Dependent.

Amy: Co-dependent, yeah.

Was... And not knowing how to handle it.

What do you miss seeing the most?

Mmm.

New places.

It would've been sweet if you said, "Seeing Tom's face."

Sorry?

(Amy laughing)

What did you say?

(Laughing)

I said, it would've been sweet, if you said, you miss seeing Tom's face clearly the most.

No, I don't.

(Laughing)

Well, we won't make 49 years, I'll tell you now.

It's so nice to be on your last day together.

(Laughing)

Barry and Doris, you've been married for 57 years.

Over 57 years.

No, it will be 57.

Hey, we don't want any trouble here.

(Laughter)

What's something that you think would surprise people about being married this long?

That we are.

(Barry laughing)

You exist.

I can't even get coffee with someone. By the end, I'm just like, "Eh, I'll get it."

Amy, your time will come.

You think?

Yeah.

How did he propose to you?

Once after we met, one month.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

You proposed one month after you met?

I guess he'd never met anybody like me. He never had dated a European woman.

Amen.

(Laughing)

And uh, he knew he had to do something in order to keep me here.

How do you keep interested in each other sexually?

What's your secret?

Hmm.

Uh...

Does Barry dress up like a construction worker?

(Laughing)

And you come in like a French maid?

No, I don't even have plumber jeans or anything like that.

(Laughter)

You know, we're still both quite attractive.

Yes, you are.

Think young, stay young, and the rest goes with it.

Did you guys ever have a tough time, where you thought maybe, you would (Clicks tongue) Call it splits?

Never.

Never?

He's always in a good mood.

He never is moody and he's never depressed.

Did everybody in the crew just hear that?

(Laughter)

Okay?

Be more like Barry and Doris, you guys.

He's very easygoing. Oh my God.

Was he easy?

Yeah. Oh. In which way?

(Laughter)

He was an easy takedown?

What do you call each other?

I call her Doe.

Doe. Okay.

Doe. Yeah.

And what do you call him?

Bear. (Laughing)

Bear? Okay.

My little bear, big bear, whatever.

Oh, cute. Yeah.

Big old Barry Bear.

Yeah.

Do you have a pet name?

Um, a lot of people call me c**t.

What?

Huh?

Yeah, I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's a pet name...

I don't where that came from.

Me neither, I don't know.

Yeah, it's a lot of... I just hear it and then, the crew... But, I don't know.

They say it's an endearing thing, but...

Okay.

Um, are either of you jealous?

No.

He used to be when we were first married.

How?

I was young and I would sometimes wear little low-cut dresses.

Yeah.

Aly Khan once made a pass at her.

Ooh, can you blame?

At the time, I had red hair.

And I wore it like Rita Hayworth did, and he had just been divorced from Rita Hayworth.

Oh.

Not really a pass, but...

Yeah, a pass.

He paid attention to me.

No, it was a pass.

And wrote something down on the invitation that we had, which, of course, I lost.

Barry was lighting it on fire?

(Laughing) Probably.

To be married for so long, what's the secret?

We always love to dance together.

That's one thing. Wherever we go, Oh, yeah.

We dance together.

What's your favorite dance to do?

Waltz, you know if the mood is...

Samba.

My gosh, samba?

I'd love to see that. Can we see samba?

Oh my God. No!

Come on!

(Laughter)

Watch, watch the feet.

(Singing) Hum, hum, samba, samba

And then, what about slow dancing?

Can we see you guys slow dance?

Slow dance?

Yes, can we see?

Okay, are you gonna put a soundtrack in?

I'll sing.

I'll sing, I'll sing.

Sing, you sing.

Okay, go.

(Amy humming)

(Chuckling)

So, Sarah, you are a teenager.

Yes.

So, you're 16.

Yes.

So, you're looking at colleges right now.

Yes.

If anybody tells you, like, school will be the best time of your life, they're lying.

Yeah.

School sucks.

It's so much better when you're done with it.

I have, like, five more years. So...

I can't tell you how awful those years are gonna be.

And how much better my life is.

(Both laughing)

Um, how does a relationship happen now, at your age?

You don't say, "I'm dating this person."

Yeah.

You say, "I'm talking to them."

Okay, but then what if you're just actually talking to somebody?

You're not. You're texting.

Saying "I'm texting someone," is basically like saying "I'm having a conversation with them," and saying, "I'm talking to someone," is like saying, "I'm dating them."

(Sighs) I need an interpreter.

And what are texts like?

You're like, "Hey, I'm at the mall, I'm bored" or what, like...

No one goes to the mall anymore.

The mall's over?

Yeah, the mall is so over.

(Sighs) Hold on, I need a minute.

So is going to the movies. No one really goes to the movies.

What?

Oh, my God, I just got so sad thinking about empty malls.

There's so many empty malls.

(Whispers) Empty malls.

So, okay, you text each other and you're like, "Do you wanna get food?"

It's more like you meet and then you start, like, hanging out, which is, like, watching a movie and then you text a lot, there's a lot of texting. Yeah.

Okay. A lot of texting.

Mostly texting.

Not a lot of talking.

Just a lot of texting.

And eventually, you actually make it official.

Wow, I'm having the same experience, except no one will watch a movie with me or make it official.

Yeah.

But I get texts.

Yeah.

Have you had your heart broken yet?

I have not.

Have you broken anyone's heart yet?

I mean, I don't know if like, 8th grade relationships count, but...

Unfortunately, Sarah, they do.

But I think I stomped on a few hearts.

Oh, man!

And then all the girls they date for the rest of their lives are gonna be paying for your actions.

Why?

I'm sorry, I'm just letting you know.

It's really sad.

They'll be fine.

Yeah.

Um, are you like very cool?

I'm pretty cool.

Yeah, I was like, she's pretty cool.

I feel like I would've been friends with you in high school, but you would've been cooler than me, so I would've kind ofjust be, like, your assistant.

(Laughter)

I'm 33.

Does that feel very old to you?

The number does, but you don't.

(Laughing)

That makes sense, like that makes a little too much sense.

Um, I have more in common with you than most people.

(Laughing)

Which I don't think is necessarily a great thing.

Have you ever heard of the Beatles?

I have heard of the Beatles.

You have?

Yeah.

Can you name a couple of songs?

Yes...

No. No.

No.

Who's your hero?

My hero.

You can say me.

I don't really have a hero.

Again, you can...

It might be blonde...

She's like 5'7"...

Seven.

Hundred and 10 pounds? Me.

People that I look up to...

I'll tell you mine.

Okay.

Hillary Clinton.

Okay.

Gloria Steinem, feminist.

And, uh, Oprah.

Done. Who are your role models?

See, I watch the Tyra Show, not Oprah.

Oh, God!

Sarah, no!

Tyra cannot be your role model.

What am I supposed to watch?

Anything else, you should watch, like, prison shows over Tyra.

Can you teach me, like, cool slang?

What do people say now?

We don't say rad.

Rad's out.

I heard my dad say rad.

And it makes you sad.

Yeah, you don't say rad.

Fetch. Did fetch ever happen?

Fetch never happened.

Never took off.

No.

Okay.

People say dope. A little bit.

"Dope," a little bit?

What about phat? P-H-A-T.

That was more like elementary school, I think.

It's off the map?

Yeah.

Okay, you guys are writing this down, right?

Would you ever say, you had a stank night?

I would not say stank. I only...

I'm trying to... I'm trying to actually get that off the ground.

(Laughs) Oh, are you?

I appreciate your help.

I will definitely help you out with that.

Can you say it?

You're looking stank.

I'm gonna have a stank night.

No!

Stank? How do you say it?

You're saying it weird.

You have to...

Right, 'cause that's how everybody's gonna say it.

Okay.

You say, "Oh, my God, girl.

"We're gonna have a stank night."

"Girl, we're gonna have a stank..." Stank?

You gotta, like, really let go. Kind of almost have a seizure.

"Stank!"

"Stank." Like that?

(Chuckling)

That is perfect. You don't even have to write a college essay 'cause you just got in to every school.

(Laughing)

Kate, you are a genius.

Thank you.

Let's talk about that.

What's your IQ?

So, "genius" starts at 140, so the last test I took said 172.

What's the highest IQ of all time?

I think Einstein on that same scale was a 209.

Damn.

So, I can't say... I don't really pay much attention to it.

Well, it sounds like you do.

Yeah.

How much smarter than me do you think you are?

I wouldn't even guess.

Let's see if you're really a genius.

Oh, dear.

What's 1,000 times 1,000?

Well, you have three zeroes after the first thousand and three zeroes after the second thousand, so you just tack those three zeroes onto the first one.

Why aren't you saying anything about how... The face I'm making?

It's a good view of your nose.

Oh.

Anything?

No, you're good.

So what was the answer?

A million.

No!

Yes.

Do you do brain exercises?

Actually, yes, sometimes.

Not as regularly as I feel like I should.

I feel guilty about it.

Why?

Like, which is Ret*rded.

(Chuckles) You should feel guilty about saying "Ret*rded."

I know.

(Amy laughing)

Ask me a question.

What is the worst math experience you've ever had?

Every day.

Every moment in math. I mean, I almost didn't graduate from high school and college because of math.

I just got through.

Sometimes, I walk around the Museum of Natural History and on the front there's, like, a picture of FDR.

Mmm-hmm.

And it says the years he was born and then the years he d*ed.

And sometimes I walk around the whole block three times just trying to do the math on how old he was when he d*ed.

(Chuckles)

(Whispers) Three times.

It's a long block. It's 15 minutes around the block, 'cause I walk like a turtle.

Have you... You've been there?

Yes.

Okay, what's your favorite thing?

Oh, God.

Let me guess.

Dinosaur bones.

No.

Let me guess again.

Okay.

Polar bear.

Don't remember a polar bear. Okay.

One more time, let me guess.

Sea horses.

All right, what is it?

Penguins.

God damn it!

I know.

Percentage wise, how many guys have you wound up sleeping with or dating that you knew were just straight up, just rocks upstairs, but you were like, "What am I supposed to do? I'm a human being"?

You know, I always aimed to not do that.

Yes.

But, the reality is they're so persistent, which wins and so...

That has not been my experience, but I hear you.

Probably 50-60%.

Yeah. No, I hear you.

Except for the persistence part. It's usually me.

Ah.

Um, you're super-hot.

If you could be a little hotter, a little less smart, would you choose it?

I'd be on the fence on that one.

What does that mean? I'm not good with metaphors.

I want the actual metrics. How much less smarter are we talking and how much more hot?

Just like, a little dumber, little slower on the uptake and like, just bangin', bangin' ass.

Hmm.

You don't have to work for it, it'll just be there.

It'll be like 90 and you're ass will be just like, turning heads.

Think... Sleep on it.

You know what? I will.

Please get back to us.

I'll sleep on that.

Do you think there are dumb questions or just dumb people?

Dumb questions. But a dumb question really comes down to, "You weren't paying attention when I answered it the first time."

Do you think there are dumb questions or just dumb people?

(Chuckles)

Who in the back... Clap if you knew I was gonna do that.

(People clapping)

f*ck you!