02x90 - Outtakes

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Inside Amy Schumer". Aired April 2013 - June 2016.*
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Amy Schumer switches from sketches, doing stand up, to interviewing people on the street and people of interest usually following a certain theme.
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02x90 - Outtakes

Post by bunniefuu »

I love this kite, Mama. (Sniffles)

I love it too, but don't let it cover you up too much.

Done. I wish I had more to cover up.

I wish I could get implants and I want to, so I have a edge.

But Mama says I have to wait.

Even though my body would support the procedure.

You know, I don't believe in completely redoing a child with plastic surgery, but there's a couple of things you can do that I think, uh, well, the breasts, if she wins and, um, you can have that thing done, that I had done which is, just made the dent a little smaller.

Smaller dent.

(Man speaking)

Your lady dent!

What are you some sort of a feminist?

(Man speaking)

Well, I can't think of a more flattering word for it.

But, um...

My dent's almost caved in, at this point.

I don't let anyone see it.

But, um, I just...

It doesn't look like a child's dent.

(All laughing)

What's up?

(Straining)

Merry Christmas.

(Chuckling) Oh, Merry Christmas.

(Chuckles)

(Slurping)

Oh, it's good.

Ame?

(Sniffling) Mmm-hmm?

You know, my favorite Christmas gift?

What?

It's you.

Yay.

(Both laughing)

(Amy squeaks)

You okay?

(Groaning) Yeah.

Okay, great.

Most wonderful time of the year.

Yeah, it is.

(Groans)

You wanna put him up on the tree?

Mmm-hmm.

Here he goes.

(Whistling) Ooh!

You got a grip on him, there he is.

(Chuckles)

(Whistling)

(Kissing)

Oh.

(Mouthing)

And... Here.

I think the LED lights were a big, big improvement over the last year.

It's the b*mb.

Guess what the 10 best foods are for you? I read it today, you'll never guess.

You did?

Yeah. Go through it.

Okay, um, bananas.

Mmm-hmm, yeah. One.

Okay.

What else?

Oranges.

Yeah. Two for two, but...

Go ahead.

Another one.

Think a little more outside the box.

Something crazy, um...

You're not gonna guess.

Kale.

Yep.

Yeah, that's on there.

I love um, like, I've got great friends.

That's key, you know.

And I have something else. I, uh...

(Sighs)

I'm going to tell you about...

Mmm.

Okay.

AIDS. (Laughing)

I'm just kidding.

Can you imagine?

That would be awful.

(Chuckling) I know I don't want to joke about that.

Okay, yeah, me neither.

I was kind of just feeling you out about it.

Okay.

I mean, I wanna go on the record, I don't tend to joke about that stuff.

Me neither.

Okay.

Not funny, off the table.

Good, thank you.

I'm enjoying this glass of wine.

Mmm.

One glass of wine usually really hits it for me.

That's it?

Just one.

Gives me the right lift.

Yeah, same here. You know?

Except, mine comes in the form of...

Tequila.

Mmm-hmm.

One batch.

He seemed excited when you ordered that drink, I don't know if he makes a lot of those.

Yeah. Mmm.

It's two parts triple sec, three parts...

I don't know, Bethenny Frankel's a genius. What are we even talking about?

(Laughing) Mmm.

I agree.

(Applause)

Thank you, thank you.

(Sighs)

Yes. Cheers.

Mmm.

Oh!

Thank you, everybody.

Where did you get the ring?

I got it at the jewelry store in Hackensack.

(Laughs)

(People talking indistinctly)

Man: End of the line.

And cut.

(All laughing)

I'm just wondering when we're gonna have sex again.

It's been like a month.

I want to so bad, but I need my mojo for my raps, right?

(Both laughing)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I know, I know, I'm sorry I asked.

Oh, bad news.

What's up?

Um...

(Laughs)

Oh, by the way, bad news.

(Laughing) The album's gone way over budget.

(Laughs)

Why?

Baby, I'm... Please, it's...

Let's... Don't...

There's nothing even on here. (Laughs)

Babe. Hey, I'm sorry I even brought it up.

I... I love our life. I love being in your life.

And your kids... (Laughs)

(Sighs)

(Laughs)

I forgot about them.

Oh, wait, babe, please. Can you stop?

Hey, I love our life, okay?

Um, yeah, I don't...

Why are you opening that? I can just tell you what's in it.

Baby?

(Laughing) You're a f*cking assh*le.

Oh, girl...

(Beatboxing badly)

(Both laughing)

Damn it.

(Crew laughing in background)

Girl... (Beatboxing badly)

(Both laughing)

(Beatboxing badly)

(Laughing)

Girl... (Beatboxing badly)

Girl... (Beatboxing badly)

Girl... f*ck... Sorry.

Damn it.

You know, like, I'm gonna be this huge rapper with a lot of money and fame, and you're, like, in this bed...

Hold it...

(Both laughing)

And you're like on this other path where you're, like, in a bed.

Like, acting a fool, all boring...

(Laughs)

So, I'm gonna, like, peace out.

(Beatboxing badly)

(Both laughing)

Okay...

(Laughing continues)

So, uh, I'm just gonna peace out.

(Laughs)

...all this fame, and you're, like, in this bed acting a fool.

(Laughs)

(Laughing) All boring and sh*t.

And you're, like, in this bed all acting a fool...

(Laughs)

All this fame, and you're, like, in this bed acting a fool.

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

So, I'm gonna peace out.

All right?

(Beatboxing badly)

Peace.
(Man speaking indistinctly)

You know you'll always...

(Beatboxing badly)

...be my little baby-baby babe...

But you know you'll always be my little baby-baby...

(Beatboxing badly)

(Both laughing)

We'll get it.

It's just I know he's trying to break me.

No.

So, I'm gonna peace out.

But you remember, you'll always be my little...

(Beatboxing badly)

...my little baby-baby girl.

(Beatboxing badly)

(Laughs)

I'm gonna be this huge rapper with lots of money and fame, and you're, like, in this bed acting a fool.

(Giggling) I don't think I can do it.

But you'll always be my little baby-baby girl.

(Snorts)

(Laughing)

It's f*cking bullshit!

It's f*cking bullshit!

That's not a smile.

No?

(Man laughs)

No.

It's not?

No, it's not!

(Laughing) Get out of my...

(Laughs)

What are you nominated for. Which category?

Um, I'm just the one who walks people off the stage.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, no, there...

It's a very exciting atmosphere and I tell them... I walked Danny Glover to the bathroom once.

Oh, did you hold his cock?

Excuse me?

You know what that I've wanted...

(Laughs)

What are you gonna wear tonight?

Um...

A smile.

Right answer.

Right answer.

All right. Pay me in chicken, just leave it on the desk.

(Laughing) Chicken?

Mmm-hmm.

Can I ask who you've worked with?

You can ask, sure.

Who have you worked with?

(Whispering) Julia.

I... I can't...

(Whispering) Julia.

It sounds like you're... You're...

(Whispering) Julia.

(Laughs)

Chu, Chulia, Chulia?

Yes.

(Whispering) Julia.

(Chuckles)

Jul... (Laughs)

Julia.

(Both laughing)

(Laughing) All right, I'll be worthless for the rest of the day. That's it.

(Sobbing) I feel so beautiful.

This has been such a hard year for me.

I hadn't realized how much I needed this.

Losing T. J...

I just never felt that good about myself.

Then I'd look at myself in the mirror and I'm like...

(Sniffling)

I'm sorry, I have to question this whole process.

I feel so beautiful.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, "Oh!"

I felt like a butterfly.

I felt like I'd been in this like, boring, generic cocoon for so long, I just looked at myself and I was like, "You gonna be okay."

I hadn't realized how much I had bottled up inside of me.

I didn't realize how much T.J.'s death affected me.

'Cause I didn't know about it until a couple of minutes ago.

I feel so beautiful.

I just put the shirt on, I was like, "Oh, man! I can really look like that, I can really be beautiful."

And no one's ever called me, "Beautiful," before.

And I've never called myself, "Beautiful," before.

And I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I just wanna thank you so much.

I feel so beautiful.

I feel like, I can finally...

Be happy with who I am and how I look.

'Cause, no one's ever called me, "Beautiful," before.

I just never felt that way about myself.

Man: Okay, amazing.

(People laughing)

Amy Schumer: Can you just do one...

Man: I think that's good.

Amy: Can you just do one more, where, you know, you just like, from "I feel so beautiful." You just get into a really whiny, teary, really get, like...

Yeah, yeah.

Amy: (Squealing) Like that kind of crying.

Like, really messy crying.

Yeah.

Man: When you're ready.

This is how I dealt...

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

I dealt with a lot of... I dealt with a lot of adversity this year.

And I just been through a lot of stuff, lot of hardship.

And um, I...

I didn't realize that I really was not feeling good about myself.

(Whining) And I can't believe how beautiful I look.

(Sobbing) Yeah, keep it rolling, keep rolling, 'cause I should...

I wanna be able to see this one day and remember this moment.

I feel so...

I just feel so...

I feel so beautiful.

(Croakily) I feels so pretty.

I feel so pretty, finally.

(Whining)

I... I've never felt like this.

I've never felt so pretty.

Amy: Remember T.J.

And I feel...

I just feel so much this year...

My phone got hacked into.

And my friend T.J. d*ed in a car accident.

I miss him so much.

(Blubbering)

And I just never felt so good.

I needed... I needed this. I needed this.

I needed...

I needed...

I lost my best friend in the whole world.

T.J., this is for you.

T.J. Skibbons, I just wanna say, wherever you are, I love you, and you always be my dawg.

And, um... I just dealt with a lot of adversity this year.

My entire Instagram account got wiped out and... I just feel like...

I feel like no one's ever looked at me and said, "I like you."

Like, without...

(Sobs)

No one's ever said, "Hey, you look really nice."

(Sobbing)

When the...

When the store clerk said that to me, (Blubbering) I just felt like, no one's ever said that to me.

(Whining) My mom never said I did.

And then...

I...

(Laughing) Sorry.
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