01x04 - Girl Meets Father

Look at that ninth-grade woman. She's putting on makeup.

We're going to be ninth-grade women someday.

This thing goes to ninth grade?

Why that?

Brings out your eyes.

Why would I want to take out my eyes?

She's not taking out her eyes.

And I think she is.

It's an eyelash curler. It doesn't even hurt.

(Chuckles) I have eyelashes.

Watch this.

Ahh!

Anybody else would stop.

Ahh!

Open it.

Thanks, daddy.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay.

Ladies.

Both: Farkle.

School dance. I'm gonna put you both down for dance numbers one through all of them.

We will alternate. You and me, me and you.

When you are not dancing with me, you may not dance with anyone else.

You may sit and wait until you dance with me again.

Yeah, none of this is happening.

Oh. Well, then may I have one dance with each of you?

Sure.

Ha! That's all I wanted.

You just got played by Farkle.

Hey, guys.

Lucas!

Hand.

Lucas!

Grown-up voice.

Lucas, hello.

Hey.

Hey, hee haw.

You going to tick tock shake your body time?

'Cause, you know, it's not a square-dance, so not gonna be a whole lot of do-si-doin'.

Well, then I'm sure I'll have no idea what to do and you can make fun of me.

You're not playing this right!

Well, that's certainly not my intention.

I'll try harder next time.

I will break you!

Well, if that's what makes you happy, then I certainly can't wait for it...

Ma'am.

(Shuddering) Ohhhh!

You going to the school dance, Lucas?

Thought I would. You?

(Mimics gagging)

You hear me? (Mimics gagging)

You'll both be there. He'll be the one in the cowboy hat going like this.

(School bell rings)

So, you goin' to class?

Thought I would. You?

It isn't for you!

Okay, fine.

(Theme music plays)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ for a day like this to come ♪
♪ struck like lightning ♪
♪ my heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ on the edge of something wonderful ♪
♪ face to face with changes ♪
♪ what's it all about? Life is crazy ♪
♪ but I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'cause I got you to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world. ♪

Mom, can I ask you a question?

You can ask me a question.

It's a girl thing, Auggie.

You think I don't know about girls?

Okay, I'm at a certain age...

I don't care.

You're at a certain age?

You had to know this was going to happen.

I know a lot of things are going to happen.

Which one is this?

Makeup.

Oh, good.

I can have some?

No.

Why not?

Well, because makeup leads to other things that... we have our first school dance on Friday night.

And we're there.

Riley: What's the difference between daytime makeup and nighttime makeup?

No difference...

Because you're not wearing any.

Riley: What about when I do?

When we decide that you're at the right age to start wearing makeup...

Friday?

No... you might find that you prefer a more natural look during the day.

Some women prefer to go a bit bolder at night.

You are not allowed to hang out with those women.

I wanna paint my face!

Wait. The dance is Friday?

You're doin' that thing with your voice.

But Friday is the last night for the coney island cyclone.

But it's our first dance!

And Dad takes me to ride the roller coaster a bunch of times, right?

Your father thinks of it as a tradition.

How bad is this?

Your father thinks of it as the reason he wakes up in the morning.

Maybe he won't remember it this year.

Three days till cyclone day!

When's my birthday?

A hundred forty-eight days from cyclone day!

Good luck to you.

Daddy!

Auggie!

Hey! Tell me stuff!

Riley wants to wear makeup.

Hey, ya little spy!

Don't call him a spy.

He is not a spy.

I am a spy. You made me a card.

All right, he is a spy.

And guess what? He's working for me.

And he just got promoted.

Superspy!

Dad.

Yeah?

Dad...?

Hey, superspy, tell me stuff.

Riley wants to go to the school dance on... dun dun dun... cyclone night.

Oh. Wow.

It's the same night?

I understand.

I understand completely.

I'm sorry you'll have to miss the dance.

Try again.

(Clears throat)

I'm sorry you'll have to miss the dance.

Nope, same thing.

But it's my first dance, Dad.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

No, no, I'm down with this.

Yeah, I said that.

Dad, when it comes to this stuff, I don't think there's anything you can teach me.

Oh, boy!

(Groans loudly)

I'm growing up, Dad.

Oh, boy!

Goodbye!

You're breaking him!

You were a great father to me when I was a kid.

Don't take this the wrong way, Dad, but there's just some things that mom can naturally teach me.

Like, what do you know about makeup?

I know it's what you're going to have to do with me.

Mom?

That went better than I thought.

Friar. Farkle. Hart.

You.

Dad, I didn't...

Ferp!

Okay.

Well, guys, I've got your test results on Darwin to give back to you.

And, uh, I'm pleased to see some of you have evolved since the last quiz.

Ha!

Thanks, Farkle.

Well, you were drowning, sir.

Ms. Hart.

Mr. Friar, nice work.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Farkle.

"A" number seven hundred. Huzzah!

(Blows noisemaker)

You.

You okay?

He gave me an "F."

That's nuts. You're a solid "D" student.

Mr. Friar, I took particular note of your position that evolution does not preclude the existence of... how did you put it?

"A guiding hand that has your best interest at heart."

Yes, Ms. Hart?

You failed me.

Why don't we talk about this after class.

What's there to talk about? You failed me.

You think I'm a failure.

There's nothing more for you to teach me.

Oh, come on! Both of you gotta say that?

What, you mean I lost you both?

Maya!

You do not walk out of here!

Go.

No!

Redecorating your locker?

Nope. Cleaning it out.

You want one? 'Cause it's the last one you're gonna get.


(Circus music plays)

(Whirs)

Maya, it's just one "F."

It's not about the paper, Riley. Your Dad failed me.

Yeah, I know. And I'm not going on the cyclone. I failed him.

Can't we just call it even?

No. We can just call it I'm leaving.

Maya, I know you. You'll make a big deal about this, pretend to leave school forever, and you'll be back by gym class.

No, this time I mean it.

All right, Maya. I'll see you tomorrow.

No. You won't.

You'll pick me up at 7:00.

I won't be there.

Riley on computer: Hold me, daddy! Daddy, hold me!

Cory: I've got you, Riley!

Riley: Daddy!

(Screaming)

You okay, buddy?

I lost the two most important girls in my life.

How ya doin'?

Still got that one.

I'm hangin' on.

Well, I will always be here for you, daddy.

Me and you, together forever.

Thank you, Auggie.

But you know that's really not the way it works, right?

I know.

(Both moaning)

Aw, my two sad, little men.

(Whispering) I'm not really sad, I'm just doing it for him.

(Whispering) I know.

(Whispering) You got this?

(Whispering) I got it.

You got it, Topanga? Are you gonna make this all better?

Riley on computer: I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

Hold me, daddy! Daddy! Hold me!

Daddy!

(Screaming)

We always get the very last ride of the season.

And I know once we stop going, we're never going back.

Honey, it's just for this year.

No. Topanga, this is exactly how traditions end.

Once we got moving on that ride, you should've heard her: Whee! Ahhh!

Whee!

The best part was right before the big drop.

I mean, you're going up, and it starts slowing down, but you know what's coming.

Riley, she starts leaning closer to me, she puts her arms around me and holds on.

What else is ever gonna be like that?

Life.

Oh, besides that.

Cory, her first dance is hardly the end of your relationship.

She said I have nothing left to teach her.

Our daddy-daughter story is... over.

Her and Maya, gone.

They moved on without me.

They both got married.

They have children now.

They live in California, by some other roller coaster.

Please. You know, no matter what, you are always going to be there.

I mean, even if all someone wants is a little bit of alone time, which is normal for a woman, you are there.

Always.

California.

You made your point, okay?

You didn't come to school today and your teacher is really upset with you.

He's not my teacher anymore. I now attend a prestigious online academy.

(Man with Brooklyn accent) Welcome to the Frank Mantucci on da computer school, where youse get out of it what you put into it.

And what you need to put into it is 400 dollars. Gimme.

You paid that?

Free trial.

I took the test to see if I qualify for the free trial.

Maya, it's a scam! They take anybody!

- Man: Congratulations!

I got in!

Man: You are the first person to ever fail the Frank Mantucci on da computer school.

How'd you do dat?

(Mimics) How'd you do dat?

Man: We asked: "Name?" You didn't put nuttin'.

Well, at least you were smart enough not to give them your name.

It's not that I'm smart enough.

Then what is it?

Maybe sometimes...

I'm not so proud of who I am.

(Door opens)

How's it going in here?

Mom, tell Maya to come back to school... regular school.

Hm... so you don't like this, huh?

Of course not! Maya always comes to school with me!

She always picks me up at 7:00. I look forward to it!

Like a tradition?

Yeah! Oh...

You know, even though you're a mother, that was creepy good.

So, Maya doesn't show up like she's supposed to and how does that make you feel?

Oh...

Honey, you have to go to him.

He feels bad. You have to go to your father.

I feel bad. Will he come to me?

No. He's your teacher. He doesn't have to.

But he will.

What?

He doesn't have to, but he will.

Why?

Because he's always there.

(Door opens)

Always.

Read it.

I don't want to do this, Mr. Matthews.

Sit down.

You can't tell me...

I just did.

Thanks.

Go ahead.

"Darwin animal studies were thought to be when the travels he took on the boat with the Beatles."

Are you kidding me?

Does she have to be here?

What were you trying to do?

I tried to write it like I was smart.

You are smart.

What did you mean to say?

Darwin studied animals.

What kind?

I don't know.

She does know.

I don't know.

You think I don't what I don't know?

I think you know more than you don't know, but you don't know that!

You know what?

What did Darwin study?

Birds.

There you go.

Really? I got that one wrong.

You want to be smart, Maya?

Say what you mean.

I understood that perfectly, and you're correct.

That's all I had to say?

What was the name of his boat?

The Beatles.

The beagle. It's a tiny difference, but an important one.

Because if you know it, Maya, you don't fail.

I want to not fail.

What kind of birds did he study?

I don't know.

You do.

Finches.

And what else?

Finches and mockingbirds.

Yes.

Yes.

How did you know she knew?

I know she listens to you.

I listen to you.

Then you won't fail...

And then neither will I.

How about some Turkey sandwiches?

Darwin didn't study turkeys.

He studied finches and mockingbirds.

His boat was the beagle.

And for extra credit?

Galapagos.

The islands he studied were the galapagos.

Because she listens to me.

Hey, Maya.

Watch this.

You're giving me an "A"?

No, I'm giving you a "C+."

But I want you to see how easily an "F" can become an "A."

Nothing to be ashamed of anymore, Maya.

My Dad doesn't live with...

It's okay.

He's got this new family.

Maya, you don't have to...

I do have to.

I have to be able to talk to you.

If you give me an "F," if you decide I'm not worth working on...

Maya, take a look around you.

We're all here for you.

Does this look like we think you're not worth working on?

I just don't want to fail, Mr. Matthews.

Thank you.

I don't want to go to the dance!

The dance doesn't matter to me at all!

I want to go on the cyclone with you more than anything in the world!

You're going to the dance.

(Breathily) Hooray!

I'm going to chaperone.

What's that mean?

Hand.

What's that mean?

Grown-up voice.

Lucas, hello.

What's that mean?

(Soft pop music plays)

You're a really good dancer, Lucas.

Thanks, so are you.

Look, everyone's copying us.

The hat's just for me, isn't it?

You actually put thought into our little game, don't you?

I actually do.

(Shudders)

(Shudders)

(Music ends)

Well, guys, it looks like the night is winding down.

We hope you all enjoyed the dance.

But before we go, I notice some fathers have arrived to pick up their daughters.

I wonder if we might have one last dance.

(Cheering)

A father-daughter dance.

(Soft music plays)

May I please have this dance?

♪ Ever you needed to talk ♪
♪ You can talk to me ♪
♪ Could you talk to me ♪

Looks like maybe we have a new tradition.

That's okay.

Traditions are supposed to evolve...

Just like daughters.

Sometimes daughters just need...

What was that again, Mr. Friar?

"A guiding hand that has your best interest at heart."

There's still a whole lot I need you to teach me, Dad.

Thank you, Riley.

There's still a whole lot I need you to teach me, too.

Hey, he's my father.

Whatever you say.

You do know that you're my father, right?

Yeah, I'm your father.

Thank you, Riley.

How's that for make-up?

Perfect.

Riley, I never want our daddy-daughter story to end.

Neither do I, Dad.

It doesn't end.

In any good book, you turn the page and there's another chapter.

Daddy, since Riley's too big for you, maybe we could do something every year.

Of course, Auggie. What do you have in mind?

You and me. A singles cruise to Alaska.

Well, I guess some traditions are meant to change.

(Door opens)

'Sup, goofballs?

Hey, Riley, 7:00.

And some should always remain the same.