01x10 - Girl Meets Crazy Hat

(Thunder rumbles)

There she is again.

Crazy hat's always here.

What do you think her deal is?

Former movie star? Olympic figure skater?

Bum on a bench.

But look at how she looks at everyone.

What goes on in a head like hers?

I guess we'll never know.

Hey, crazy hat! What goes on in your head?

And a new adventure begins.

You and you, c'mere! I'll teach you about life.

Can't. Stranger. You want me to sit on the bench, I'm gonna need three forms of identification.

Trust me. I know who she is.

She's all right.

Okay, copper.

Hey! That's officer copper to you.

Mornin', Evelyn. Never gonna stop rainin', is it?

That's okay, Eugene. These two little dollies are about to give me one of their designer ponchos.

They're garbage bags, Eugene. But you have to put a hole for your head.

Ah, so you can breathe.

So the garbageman doesn't throw you out.

Yep, that happened.

I was yelling, but he didn't care.

I rescued her from the truck.

She chased me all the way to 33rd street.

Wow, now that is a friend.

Me? I don't Chase nobody for nothin'.

What if I stole a banana?

I'd be very disappointed in you.

Okay.

I have observed you two are good friends.

Don't miss a thing, do you, crazy hat?

No, I don't. Now you're about to be late for school, and I'm about to be late for addressing the united nations.

Have a good day, dollies.

Be good people, learn all you can.

How does that happen to someone, Maya?

Do you think that could ever happen to us?

Well, at least nothing worse than that could ever happen.

Maya!

- Maya?

Okay.

(Pop music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ for a day like this to come ♪
♪ struck like lightning ♪
♪ my heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ on the edge of something wonderful ♪
♪ face to face with changes ♪
♪ what's it all about? Life is crazy ♪
♪ but I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'cause I got you to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world. ♪

Belgium, 1831... no!

In 1831, Belgium...

No!

Riley?

What's my thing?

What's your thing?

What am I going to be, Dad?

Am I gonna be okay?

Riley, listen to me very carefully.

Okay.

In 1831, Belgium declared its independence from the Netherlands.

What will people be thinking of me if I end up living in a subway?

What if nothing happens for her, sir?

Riley can't end up like that. She's my meal ticket!

What the...? I just saw you girls at breakfast!

(Speaks Dutch)

Calm down, Farkle. You're speaking in Dutch again.

(Speaks Spanish)

Cory: No no no.

You slapped yourself way too hard.

You went all the way to Spanish.

My education should not be based on your daughter's moods.

Neither should mine, but it is!

Guys, a daughter asks her father, "what's my thing?"

This question will resonate in the hearts of all parents from the moment it's asked until the day their child feels comfortable in the world.

Pretty soon you're all going to join the work force.

What's your thing?

What do you aspire to?

How will you affect people?

That's the only history that matters.

Thank you, daddy.

(Whimpers) Thank you, daddy.

All right, guys, tell you what.

Let's split the class into two separate businesses and see how you do for yourselves.

We'll see if anyone's got anything to worry about, okay?

(Mimics cartoon character) Excellent.

What will our companies be?

Doesn't matter. Uh...

Muffins, okay?

You two are going to be "Riley and Farkle's muffins."

That'll be your thing for the week.

I already got my thing.

Riley's gonna be a success and I'm gonna sponge off her until she gets sick of me.

I will never get sick of you.

I am set for life!

All right, let's get out there and make some money... cash, cabbage, cheddah-cheeeze!

Those are your values, Farkle?

What else should a company value but profits?

If I had a company, I'd treat my employees well and make sure we did right by our customers.

You are everything that's wrong with this country.

Then you do have a company, Lucas.

"Hart and Friar muffins."

So these two competing companies will hire the rest of you guys as employees.

Everyone else in school will be your customers.

Let's see what happens.

Here's what happens, we crush you.

We will be bajillionaires, and you will eat your words using plastic cutlery.

You're cute when you're menacing.

I don't know what to do now.

- I know.

(Bell ringing)

What?

Belgium. Let's go.

Get out.

Okay.

♪ I'm singing "go-o-o." ♪

It's time for you to pay me.

(Laughs)

What would I be paying you for?

I don't know. You pay Riley.

I give Riley an allowance because she does chores.

What do you do?

You're lookin' at it.

Okay, here is a nickel.

Is this a joke?

What do you think you're worth, Auggie?

I think I'm worth $3.49 plus tax.

Well, that sounds like the price of something.

And you know that somebody's birthday is coming up, don't you?

Maybe I do.

Then you are about 200 times cuter than I thought.

Wow, 10 bucks!

I'm gonna go roll around in this!

I like chocolate!

Me too!

Yay!

(Bell dings)

Yay!

(Bell dings)

Last muffin from this batch.

(Crowd groans)

Why are their muffins so white?

One dollar.

Hold on.

I don't think so.

What are you doing, Farkle?

It's the law of supply and demand, Riley.

We supply, they demand.

Let's find out what our last muffin is worth to them.

Dollar and a quarter!

$1.50.

Hey! What's so great about their muffins?

We've got plenty of muffins right here.

$2.00.

$2.50!

I'll give you my brother!

All right, progress reports.

What's up in make-believe corporate America?

Hart and Friar muffins report: We started with 100 muffins, made each with all-natural and organic ingredients.

And you selected these ingredients because?

Because that's the right and responsible thing to do.

You really believe that?

I dunno! You spend a day with this guy.

So far we've sold 14 muffins at a dollar each.

Okay, how much do they cost you?

They didn't cost us anything to make.

How's that possible?

My mother bought them for us.

She wanted us to sell healthy food.

How's that workin' out for us so far, huckleberry?

As soon as we sell them all, I'll pay her back.

I stand by our product, sir.

So do I. They're everywhere.

How are your profits, Friar?

Let me teach my class, Farkle, okay?

I decide what to say and when I'm gonna say it, and I decide who to call on and what I'm gonna ask them!

How were my profits, Friar?

Yes!

Well, I have those right here, sir.

None.

I'm sorry, what?

None.

And it's not right, sir. Our muffins are good for you.

I'm sorry, what?

None!

We can't even give them away.

All right, let's talk about a real make-believe company.

Farkle's muffins!

Riley and Farkle's muffins.

Yeah, keep tellin' yourself that.

Unlike our competitors, our profits are through the roof, and so are our employees.

Why are they like that?

They ate the product, sir.

Riley?

Everybody seems to like our muffins, Dad.

Oh, my sweet innocent child.

Can't you see why?

Because they're filled with love.

I don't think that's what they're filled with, Riley.

Yeah. Why do they come out so white, Farkle?

Because they're 100% carbon, hydrogen and oxygen.

Uh, explain that to the non-scientists, Farkle.

Sugar! They're all sugar! Just one big sugar cube!

What?

Ours are oatmeal, honey and locally-harvested berries.

Farkle, you said all-natural.

Sugar!

You said organic.

Sugar!

You said delicious.

Sugar!

Farkle, we're a business.

Businesses do not just mislead their customers to make a little bit of money!

Ha-aaaa!

We're done for, Farkle. These muffins are pure evil.

Are you gonna eat that because if you're not gonna eat that I would eat that right now is what I would do is I would eat that right now is what I would do.

You know how you succeed, Riley?

You give the people what they want.

That's why we're a success...

And they're not.

This isn't fair, Mr. Matthews!

I had to listen to Lucas and his mother talk about (Twangy accent) "Good eatin'" and wholesome livin'" and the natural cornucopia of the earth's bounty"...

Have you ever even heard me talk?

Huh-hur-rrrr!

Wow.

...while these two just poured sugar into a muffin cup.


It isn't fair!

What isn't fair?

That I'm not on their team!

Maya, what we did isn't okay.

But I didn't know and I'm not going down for this. I'll talk.

To who? To everyone who loves our muffins?

Enjoy the taste of success, Riley. It's sweet.

Not to me. I have a very bitter taste in my mouth.

You must've eaten one of ours.

Maya, you played fair. We didn't.

We have no integrity. You do.

And what does that get them? We can buy and sell their business.

In fact, I like the sound of that. Yeah!

I propose a merger between Riley and Farkle's muffins and Hart and Friar muffins.

Why the merger, Farkle?

We both have what we each need, Mr. Matthews.

We have profits. They have integrity. I'm buyin' it!

My integrity is not for sale.

Mine is.

Maya!

We owe your mother a hundred bucks.

Put 'er there, partner!

Our new company will be called "Farkle."

Your names are no longer part of the company.

Why not?

"What's the first thing that happens after a merger, daddy?"

What's the first thing that happens after a merger, daddy?

Downsizing.

When two companies come together, employees become vulnerable.

Don't tell him!

Uh, Riley, I think he already knows.

Lucas, fire half of the company.

Start with Riley and Maya.

Why do I have to do that?

Because you're all full of that Texas gee willikers" hooey.

You charm people. So you'll be the face of the company and I'll be the behind-the-scenes hermit genius.

Mr. Matthews?

How do you argue with that?

Always liked you, Matthews. You got moxie.

Thanks, chief!

Riley?

Yeah?

You're fired.

Fine. (Footsteps)

Hey, if she goes, I go.

Friendship and loyalty are for the weak.

Let everyone know I'll cook another batch.

And raise the price up to $3.00.

They'll never go for it.

Oh...

I think they're hooked.

Mommy, doing your lawyer stuff?

Yeah, I'm just going over a case.

What's it about?

Oh!

Thank you for taking an interest, Auggie!

One company under-reported their earnings for the fiscal... please make it stop!

(Doorbell rings)

Thank you!

Who's that?

That's what I spent my allowance on.

Oh, well, it's not quite my birthday yet, but okay!

And it's a delivery? You had something delivered?

How did you do that? Are you a genius and we don't know it?

Hi, Auggie.

Thanks for the stuff!

Okay, no. You're not a genius.

You're just a boy under the spell of...

♪ look at me ♪
♪ I'm Ava mor-gen-stern! Yeah! ♪

I just like you more and more.

Auggie bought all of this for me.

What did he buy for you?

Auggie doesn't have to buy my love with costume jewelry.

(Demonic voice) You said this was real!

Okay okay! You know what we're gonna do?

You know what we're gonna do right now?

We are going to play hide and seek! Yes, we are!

Okay, Auggie, you can go in the other room and count.

Isn't the hider supposed...

We're gonna play a new way.

I'm pretty sure it's supposed...

New way!

Women!

I'm onto you.

This is not about us, Topanga.

What did you say?

Auggie needs a raise in his allowance.

I'll tell you what, you little sugar cube.

I am gonna show you the best place to hide where he will never find you!

Where?

Both: Whee!

Your house.

But...

ready or not here I come!

(Whispering) Mommy, where's Ava? Am I getting warm?

No.

Auggie?

Yes?

You bought Ava some shiny stuff, huh?

Because I love her. Where is she?

Listen, Auggie, what's shiny isn't always good.

But it sure was expensive.

You don't have any money left?

Nope.

Who's gonna love me now?

Listen, people don't always know what's good for them.

Please know what's good for you, Auggie.

This is pretty good.

You threw her out again, didn't you?

I gave my whole life to that company.

What happened? I can't even keep a fake job.

Oh no, all of my fears are realized.

I'm going to end up here!

Don't go crazy.

Now go crazy.

Now you got fired... (Mumbles gibberish)

Ah, the box of shame.

What happened?

Class project. Fake business.

Got fired.

Not so terrible.

I've been fired myself once or twice.

Yeah, but not from fake businesses.

I think you could call 'em that.

Now I come down here and watch people coming and going, giving their lives to fake businesses.

Welp, gotta go! Big meeting!

With squirrels.

Yeah. Thanks.

It's just us. It's just us on the bench.

No jobs, no future, no dollar, because I gave it to her. What am I gonna do about my mid-afternoon snack?

I got pizza crust and a shoe.

What size?

10!

What a terrible day.

♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh oh oh oh. ♪

(Chuckles)

Well, look who's still here.

My dollies.

Been looking at the people, huh?

Hey, hat, you're a sight for sore eyes.

How'd your meeting go?

Oh, the usual.

Yelled at everybody. Y'know, rahr rahr rah! Rahr rahr rah!

Had 'em all running around scared of me.

Sounds like fun.

It's more fun when I come down here from my big, tall building.

Oh, your building?

It was named after me.

The crazy hat building?

I sit here lookin' at all the people because it turns out, other people are the key to your own happiness. I watch 'em enough and I start thinkin' about what I can do for them.

What you can do for them?

Mm-hmm.

Now you've been lookin' at all these people, now what do you see?

I see a bunch of wet people who could probably use some real umbrellas.

Yeah, not the no-good kind some Farkle sells on the street just to make some cash, cabbage, cheddah-cheese."

Huh. You saw all that just by lookin' a little.

What's a Farkle?

Did you know that people won't protect themselves from the storm, but they'll make sure their morning doughnut stays dry?

Interesting observation.

Now what are you gonna tell your class about it?

Nothing. Not going back.

Tired of being humiliated.

Tough.

You know what? We're gonna go back.

Crazy hat goes into buildings and screams at people and you're not humiliated, right?

Rahr!

Rrow!

Okay, rahr.

That was terrible!

It's been raining for six days.

Here's what's real: People are wet and cold out there.

They need something to keep them safe from the storm, and we know how to give it to them.

What if every single subway stop in New York City was stocked with donated umbrellas?

The Matthews and Hart umbrella foundation. It's non-profit.

What?!

When you come into the subway station you leave an umbrella in the stand... and when you leave the next station, there'll be one waiting for you.

The Matthews and Hart umbrella foundation.

We got you covered.

There's no money in umbrellas.

No, only people.

My company makes a profit.

Yeah, but at what cost? Look at your customers.

How could something that tastes so good make me feel so bad?

What goes up must come down, Farkle.

At least I was up. What do you have besides an idea?

They've got an investor!

Oh no.

She followed us.

Evelyn rand.

You know crazy hat?

I know she's the chairman of the board of rand industries.

You guys walk by her building on the way to school.

She really has a building?

With her name on it.

(Chuckling)

You'll usually find me on the top floor of my building going, "rahr rahr rah!"

You two dollies want to know how I got my name on the building?

I do!

By knowing a good idea when I hear one.

So I've made out a check to the two dollies."

You can do that?

I can do whatever I want.

Now what I want you to do is go get some umbrellas, go get 'em in some subway stations.

You start. The people will do the rest.

I believe in them. I've watched them.

Now which one is the Farkle?

Mm-hmm.

Stop it!

Now this is $1.00, Farkle.

Somebody came by it by doing hard work.

Not by pumping people up with something you knew would let them down.

Don't keep the dollar.

It won't fix you if you keep it. Pass it on.

That's what changes you, Farkle. Take it from me.

(Speaks Dutch)

And, you two, don't worry so much about your future.

Really?

Really, yes.

You two dollies, you're going to be just fine.

Mm-hmm, now here, here's your first umbrella.

Nice, nice work, Dad.

You really think that you can make a difference in these kids' lives?

Yeah, I do.

I'm their teacher.

Good for you.

Riley, if it's at all possible, I'd like to help out with your company.

Aww. You're as sweet as sugar.

Ms. Matthews says you're fired.

Huh-hur-rrrr!

Yeah, I had that coming.

♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ when the sky's gone gray and it starts to rain ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ I'll... ♪
♪ Ooooh ♪
♪ we belong together ♪
♪ ooooh ♪
♪ ain't nobody better ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ when nothing's making sense and you need a friend ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ ooooh. ♪ (Vocalizing)