02x00 - Girl Meets Demolition

You got any money?

I never have any money.

How do we make money immediately?

What we need is a Bat Mitzvah!

Are there any special requirements?

Yeah, and I'm thinking it's gonna need to be you.

Get out!

You guys have been sitting in that window all day.

You know what's great about a window?

There's a world outside. Go there.

It looks fakey.

Get out of my house.

Why don't I get a Bat Mitzvah?

What's your Hebrew name?

Riley Matthews.

There you go.

What do you want a Bat Mitzvah for?

There comes a time in a young woman's life when she just wants to sit in a room and open envelopes.

Riley, do you even know what this holy rite of passage is about?

Yes. This holy rite of passage is about 12 hours before you open the envelopes.

What do you need money for?

Buy stuff.

Specifically.

Buy stuff for me-e-e.

Money needs to be worked for.

It's pretty hard to come up with a scheme when all you've got is the clothes on your back, isn't it?

We'd like to sell all of our clothes, please!

Well, you have certainly come to the right place.

(Theme music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ for a day ♪
♪ like this to come ♪
♪ struck like lightning ♪
♪ my heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ on the edge ♪
♪ of something wonderful ♪
♪ face to face with changes ♪
♪ what's it all about? ♪
♪ Life is crazy ♪
♪ but I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'cause I got you ♪
♪ to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world. ♪

Okay, whatever she says, we're gonna triple it.

We go triple, she hits us back with double, we take it and run, all right?

I'm in charge here, just like I let you be in charge at the candy store, right?

Right. Triple the gummies, double the jellies and pay whatever they say, because it's candy.

Only I talk.

I'm sure that's best.

Oh, honey, I feel so bad you bought that in the first place.

I mean, it's not even a color. Look.

I could give you 10 bucks for it, 'cause maybe we'll sell it for 15.

But how about I'll give you 12?

'Cause, say, the next girl who walks through the door is going to an ugly dress party, right? An optimist is what I am.

So you give me that, I give you 12 bucks right now.

You give me that.

You're welcome.

Your turn.

Triple, double, run.

Yes, ma'am.

'Sup?

'Sup?

Give you 38 bucks, the whole thing right now.

We'll take triple.

Now you go up to 76, because that's double, and we'll take it.

38.

No.

38.

She's not doing this right.

24.

What say we keep this between you and me?

What say.

You offered 38.

It's worth double. You know it, I know it.

You know it?

I do candy.

I had a friend like her once.

What happened?

One day she floated away like a balloon.

I hold on tight.

Will you go 42 bucks?

Will you buy this dress here?

Is that even a color?

This is the color of dreams, unicorns ballet-dancing on a cloud.

This is the color of a hug, if that hug was given by everybody in the world at once, puppies.

The angels call this color imaginatia.

Can I please talk now?

Do you have something to say that won't hurt us?

I must have that dress.

Well, at least there's nothing worse you could possibly say.

Do you take this credit card my mom gave me for emergencies with a $500 limit on it? Because I need a dress for the spring formal, and I want that one. No other one but that one.

So how much for this dress of hope?

Riley, she's a shark. She knows you want the dress.

We're not gonna be able to afford any other clothes.

Well, I am shocked and offended that you think so little of me.

Oh no.

Riley, I will let you have this dress for $50, if you say yes right this second.

Y...

A hundred.

Uh...

200.

I think the numbers are going up.

240.

I think that they are going up because they keep on going up, because I'm not saying yes, and they're going up and up.

99...

Nine... and up And... what is happening?

300.

Deal.

300, because it was going to be more, wasn't it?

Yeah, could have been. Yeah.

Ha-ha!

(Mockingly) Huhh-huhh.

Do you have any shoes that go with imaginatia?

Oh, she is just the gift that just keeps giving, isn't she?

How much for the shoes? Yes!

We sold all of our clothes.

My parents can never know about this.

Are you out of your minds?

Okay.

We got ourselves into this. We'll get ourselves out.

Yeah, that's a way to go... stubborn in the face of stupid.

It's the only road I know.

There's another road.

There is no other road. See?

There's another road. It lies at the corner of young and vulnerable" and ask for help."

I don't live there.

You live there.

Can you come up with something to get us out of this?

Daddy, please help us. We need you.

We made a mistake.

Yeah, this is working. This will work every time with me.

It's great. I could never say something so desperate.

You'd rather face my mother Topanga?

Daddy, please help us.

We need you. We made a mistake.

Okay, okay, all right. Listen, clearly you both were taken advantage of.

Now we're gonna see how Cory Matthews responds when the people he cares about are taken advantage of.

Are you ever gonna do this again?

No.

Yes.

Okay, let's go anyway.

All right, girls, now who's talking?

Both: You are.

Who's not talking?

Well done. Now let's watch what happens when someone who knows his way around the block come ridin' to the rescue of you two damsels in distress.

All right, who is the big, bad salesgirl who took advantage of my little damsels?

I don't know. Who is the hip, handsome young guy who seems way too cool to be their Dad?

What?

I'm sorry. I just mean, how are you possibly not made up in euro retro with accents of Timberlake, since you have matching bodies?

I don't know. I am Timberlake!

You know how many times I've driven past his billboard and thought, "it's me!"

But no one's ever said it out loud before but you.

And now that I've said it?

It feels right.

Come on, let's dress me up.

Okay, a lot of bad stuff went down in the last hour.

What is wrong with you people?

The only good thing that came out of this is that I'm bringing sexy back.

Mom's gonna know.

She'll never know.

I'm only wearing this with Shawn.

Are you out of your...

(Shouts) Minds?

(Shouts) Minds?

You.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, I am going to give you one opportunity to tell me how it is possible that you spent, what, 80?

90 dollars between the two of you?

(Whispers) Okay, this is gonna be really bad.

How much was that dress?

50, 100, 299, nine, up, nine, up, nine, up, 300.

Riley, the credit card was for emergencies.

I made that very clear.

When is buying a dress ever an emergency?

When...

You... have sold the rest of your clothes.

Maya.

I got beat, okay?

Demolition girl's better than me, okay?

I mean, she's a pro. We all know Riley's a chump.

Hey!

There's an astronaut riding a horse.

But this salesgirl's the greatest scam artist I've ever seen.

Cory?

I'm still not convinced this outfit isn't working for me.

Let me assure you.

Well, then there's $1200 I'm never getting back.

If I'm you, I leave right now while I still have the clothes on my back.

You just inhibited trade. I could have you arrested.

Please try. Topanga Matthews.

I'm a partner at Elliot, brown and Montgomery.

This could be fun.

Oh, it will be.


What's your name?

Aubrey Macavoy.

Well, Aubrey, according to municipal statute CP 64...

"CP" standing for consumer protection," one has seven days for merchandise return and full refund.

This statute covers everybody, including my innocent, trusting daughter and my husband the dope.

He's cute.

Thanks.

How long did it take you to stuff him into that t-shirt?

I'm never doing that again.

See, the thing about the law is, it protects the naive and simple from criminals who hide behind a sales counter.

All right, you're just upset about my taking advantage of your daughter.

No, I'm still talking about my husband.

For my daughter, I'm coming after you personally.

Turn your head slightly to the right.

It's not gonna work on me.

I just want you to see the sign.

It's all used merchandise.

The sign's too small and can be easily missed, your honor.

Please prosecute the offender to the full extent of the law.

Hold up, your honor. Turn your head slightly to the left.

Will you look at that?

See, my favorite municipal code is 424... no one shall prevent a store merchant from the active pursuit of commerce according to law, which I make sure I stay just under the radar of.

Nice playing with ya.

You know, you'd make a pretty good lawyer if you weren't such a little criminal.

How do you live with yourself?

Like this.

I'm gonna own this store one day. And when I do, I'm gonna hire someone just like your daughter's friend to be the next me.

I think she's got potential, don't you?

Maya? No, Maya will never be like you.

Think so?

No.

She's got my daughter as a good influence.

I want to speak to your manager.

You know what? I can do better than that.

How about I bring the owners out here?

Ron! Hillary!

What happened to you?

Didn't you have any good influences growing up?

Yeah, I had these two right here.

Ron, Hillary, the nice lawyer lady has a complaint about how I took advantage of her husband and daughter.

How much advantage?

$1700.

Nice.

No, I don't think you understand.

Let me see if I do. Your daughter comes in, eyes the size of saucers, looking for quick, easy money.

We buy her clothes for cheap, we sell her our clothes for not cheap, which keeps our clothes cool in all the saucer eyes of the current generation.

These people are terrible.

Do your parents know you work in a place like this?

Mom, Dad, I work in a place like this.

We've lost.

She beat us.

We got crushed.

I don't like it very much.

Have I let you down?

No, peaches.

How could you ever let me down?

What kind of a bad influence am I on you if I let another bad influence be a better bad influence than me in your eyes?

Hey.

I will never have a better worse influence than you.

Thanks.

You will always be my favorite chump.

Thanks.

Would I still be your favorite even if I wasn't a chump?

You will always be my favorite, no matter what you are.

Okay, good.

Because I may have to not be a chump for a minute.

But then you will again?

I know you secretly like it.

I do.

(Phone rings)

Demolition. All sales final.

Evelyn Rand: You the pretty little redhead with the jazz singer voice?

Yeah, this is...

♪ Boo-dop, bee-deep, bah-dop, bah-dop ♪ Aubrey.

You bought a uniquely colorful dress yesterday from my daughter.

Paid a fair price, I'm sure.

All sales final.

Well, that's a shame, because the dress is an heirloom.

Been in my family for generations. I must have it back.

I would pay you... $2500 for it.

$4000, and it's yours.

(Laughs)

Aren't you a savvy little businesswoman?

I don't like you at all.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Look, I'll have to get the dress back here, 'cause it's at the cleaner's.

If I'm paying $4,000, you have it back at the store by 5:00 today.

It'll be here.

Really look forward to meeting you.

Mm-hmm, the feeling is mutual, I'm sure.

So you had a change of heart?

What can I say? You affected me.

If you don't want the dress, the right thing to do is to cancel the charge.

So we'll give you the dress and you'll credit the card?

$300 for the dress.

And $200 for the shoes.

Wait a minute.

And $1200 for my father's stuff.

No, we're just talking about the dress.

No, you're just talking about the dress.

I'm talking about we also get our clothes back.

Well, what's gotten into you?

What has gotten into you?

Okay, I don't see the t-shirt here.

I can't get it off. It's part of my body now.

How are y'all doing?

(Chuckles)

It's 5:00. You got my dress?

Hey, aren't you Evelyn rand?

Yeah, you got my dress?

Hey, aren't you, like, a billionaire?

Yeah, just like one. You got my dress?

Not her dress.

It's still...

Deal.

Shoes, your father's stuff, and the dress.

Now you guys get all of your old stuff, and we are done with each other.

Yeah, I got your dress.

You got my $5,000?

$4,000, wasn't it?

It was before you were Evelyn rand.

Now you are. Now it's five.

(Laughing)

Ooh, you're right. She's a real hoot.

Wait, wait, you know her?

These two? Oh, yeah.

They're my old pals.

You did this?

I might have made a little phone call, yeah.

A pretty good scam for a chump.

Well, I have the best possible bad influence, don't I?

You did great.

Oh, it ain't over yet.

I'd like to speak to the owners, please.

I don't see where that's...

Owners, please!

What is going on out here?

All sales final.

(Gasps) Aren't you Evelyn billionaire?

Yeah.

How much do you want for this whole place?

Oh, this place is not for sale.

(Laughs) Oh, that's cute.

You believe there's a thing not for sale, you savvy little businesswoman.

Well, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm just gonna write a number on this little piece of paper, and we're just gonna see what's for sale.

No matter what number she writes, do not react.

Have I ever reacted?

Not to me.

It doesn't matter what number you write, because this place is all going to be mine someday.

Right?

Right, except...

It's not our place anymore.

You are terrible people.

Wait, so you're not buying the store?

Please, I got closets bigger than this.

You guys would have just sold me out.

I think we're all disappointed here.

Back to work, dear.

You know, the dress really does brings out your eyes.

Not those eyes.

Look at me.

I'm not buying anything you're selling, and neither will anybody else, except the kids you're taking advantage of.

Yeah.

And dopes.

Yeah.

Wake up. Be better than what you are.

How'd you get to be who you are?

By knowing what goes around comes around, and that all sales are definitely not final.

And the most important thing...

I got friends who I can depend on and who can depend on me.

My little dollies, you call me anytime you want, and you keep on being who you are.

Are we still who we are?

You're not such a bad influence.

Thanks. You're not such a chump.

Thanks.

There's an astronaut on a horse.

I don't fall for that anymore.

Do you see it, too?

It's beautiful.

We must have it. How much is it?

Well, this is one of a kind.

And so are you.

It's yours.

(Knocks on door)

You really think I could become a good lawyer?

You've got skills, but you use your skills against people.

I use my skills to help people have a voice.

You want to be a good lawyer, first you gotta be a good person.

Do you want to be a good person?

How would I do that?

Well, first you find a friend like her, and never let her float away.

Can we talk about it?

I could maybe use some new influences.

Oh, we have a great place to talk.

Yeah.

And we can stay there as long as you want.

Auggie, do you think that look worked for me?

Yes, Mr. Timberlake.