02x03 - Girl Meets the Secret of Life

Y' know what I like? Life.

And I like it when it doesn't change.

We should sing our happy song.

We don't have a happy song.

We should have a happy song.

We will never have a happy song.

Not with that attitude.

(Bell ringing)

So... you don't want anything to change?

No, I don't like change.

Change fills my pockets with pennies of uncertainty.

All right. So...

Should we actually finally learn about what happened in Belgium in 1831?



I always get my hopes up and then something happens to hurt my little Farkle heart.

Well, this time I refuse to believe.

In 1831...


Wait! Anything going to suddenly happen to you?

No changes lovin' life.

Anything gonna happen to you?

Nothing ever happens to me.



Oh my gosh, this is it.

In 1831...



Y'all started without me?

Get out!

Somebody in this room is going to be very surprised to see me.

Is it me?

Don't know, sugar, but could you be any cuter?

Well, I can't answer that.

You got a transcript, kid?

I do.

Check out them grades. Here, let me sing 'em to you.

De, de, de, de, de... de... f.

Yeah, I know that song.

Isaiah Babineaux.

From Austin, Texas.

What are you doing here, Zay?

Well, the first thing I'm doing is waitin' for a better reaction from you.

Maya, something's changing.

Okay, Mr. teach, where do I sit?

You know, usually I'm more of a back row kind of guy.

Whoa. That's unusual.

Have a seat right there, Mr. Babineaux.

Lucas, do you know this Isaiah?

Yeah, tell' em you know me good.

How 'bout we talk later, okay?

Well, Mr. Babineaux, if you work out as well as last year's new student, we're happy to have you.

Wait. What?

Lucas, you're doing okay here?

Why wouldn't he be doing okay here?

Not currently on probation?

No disciplinary action?

They just let you wander free?

Sit down!

Okay, new guy's all settled in and there's still class time left. So, do it!

Do it while I'm still tingly!

So, in 1831, Belgium declared... what is the secret of life?

I'm sorry, Mr. Farkle.

I know I'm not your daughter, but I too have value in this world.

What is the secret of life?


Don't do it.

Put that eraser down and nobody gets hurt.


Yogi has asked the primary riddle of the universe: What is the secret of life?

People spend their whole lives trying to figure it out.

I was lucky.

I had a teacher who cared enough about me to make sure I knew.


You got an opinion on this?

Yeah. What do you got, Mr. moral compass?

Did you just call Lucas Friar your moral compass?

They called you moral compass.


Something bad is happening, Maya.


It occurs to me you're trying to tell us ranger Rick was a little different back in Texas.

A little?

What do they know, exactly?

'Cause I wouldn't wanna say anything wrong.

They know you're a year older, right?


Now they do.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault.

Look at ya!

Okay, that's enough, Mr. Babineaux.

Oh, so you know about him?

I know all about Mr. Friar.

Excuse me?

Riley, you're shaking.

Dad? You know something?

Back in Texas...


You sure?

Back in Texas I did something.

I had to leave.

It was great!

I mean, they threw him out of the whole school!


I came here to get a new start.

Nobody knew me here.

I know him.

Do I know you?

(Theme music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ for a day ♪
♪ like this to come ♪
♪ struck like lightning ♪
♪ my heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ on the edge ♪
♪ of something wonderful ♪
♪ face to face with changes ♪
♪ what's it all about? ♪
♪ Life is crazy ♪
♪ but I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'cause I got you ♪
♪ to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "go-o-o" ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ take on the world. ♪

Look, we don't know the story yet.

Let's know the story before you go to Rileytown.

I'm not going to Rileytown. I'm calm.

I like it worse when you're calm. C'mon. Be you.


Deny it.


Tell me that whoever this Zay kid is, that he can't just come in here and change you from the Lucas we know.

Tell me nothing changes.

That's all you have to do, Lucas.

You hear me?

I just called you by your actual name for the first time ever.

That's how important this is to me.

Because it's important to her.

Deny it.

I can't.

I like you.

I went on my first date with you.

Do you think it's right to let me like you without telling me who you are?

You know who I am.

I'm ranger Rick.

We rode on a white horse.

I asked for your father's permission just to go on a date with you.

Who does that?

Were you thrown out of school?


For a whole year?


I finally like you.

You told me you wanted to be a veterinarian.

You told me you gave birth to a horse.

That had to hurt.

Why wouldn't you tell me about this?

It's not something I'm proud of.

I thought I could start over.

I guess I was wrong.

I guess you do something and that's the end of you.

You think that's what I'm upset about?

Whatever you did?

Then I don't know you.

And you don't know me.

Why are you acting like this?

Friends talk to you and real friends listen. Remember?

I would have listened. I'm your friend.

Whatever you did, why wouldn't you trust me with it?

People who care about you are supposed to trust you with stuff.

Wait a minute.

My father knew about this?

♪ ♪


There could be a significant amount of drama heading in our general direction.

You know, normal people consider their home to be a sanctuary from the storm of the outside world.

Why can't we be normal people?

Because we have this...

I never get those right.

But it's coming!

Okay. What do you wanna do until it does?

I could throw a tantrum about absolutely nothing for ya.

Watch me.

Why don't we have any...


We got some in the fridge.

Well, I don't like that kind of jelly!

You knew?

Well, I'm not gonna beat that.

Boy are you are gonna get yelled at, Matthews!

Oh, I already missed it? Do it again.

A normal people sanctuary.

I'd like a fountain.

Maybe a candle.

How could you keep something like this away from me?

Just some place where people don't get hysterical over every little thing.

Yes, I did know that Lucas was expelled.


Topanga, you know this. I told you all about this.

Yes, I know you told me all about this, but I want nothing to do with that.

Why would you let me like him if you know something about him?

Riley, honey, whatever this is about Lucas, that I know nothing about, I'm sure your father knows exactly what you need to learn from it.

Really? Dad? You got anything?

♪ ♪

Al washes a car in six minutes.

Fred washes the same car in eight minutes.

How long does it take Al and Fred to wash the same car together?

How is this anything?

Three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds.


I'm sorry. What did you just say?

You're wrong.

I'm wrong?

You're a history teacher teaching English, science, whatever you've got going on at home, you waltz your wife in here on career day... she's a respected attorney.

My father says she should've been my mother!

What do you want from me?

Mr. Matthews teaches us about a lot of things.

He's open-minded that way.

He can be open-minded because he knows who we are.

Oh. She took us both out.

I teach this way, because in my old school I had a very strict teacher.

He teach history, English or math?

I don't know.

But in his class there was no talking. No interruptions.

So you didn't like him.

I loved him.

Then why don't you teach like him?

Because I would never try and be like him.

I could only fail.

I only succeed with you guys if I get my teaching across as effectively as he did.

You do.

He does.

Thank you, Maya.

And I will, now.

Al washes a car in six minutes.

Fred washes the same car in eight minutes.

He thinks it's math class!

Somebody stop him!

You, what's your name?


What'd you call me?

My name is Farkle.

Who would do that to you?

So your assignment today is to wash a car.


With him?

Especially with him.

If you do it correctly, you will find the answer is three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds.

If you do it correctly, you will find the secret of life.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪



How long?

Nineteen minutes, forty-two seconds.

You are the worst car washer in this class.

Oh, you mean no one will ever ask me to wash a car for them?

Say it.

You're a genius.

Oh, stop.

The only two who washed the car in six minutes and eight minutes exactly were Riley and...

Lucas? Was it Lucas? Could it have been Lucas?


Yeah, Lucas.

I'm not washing a car with him.

Oh yes you are. And you are washing it in three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds and I will go back to your father and say, ha!

Now pick up that hose.


And you pick up that bucket.

Yes, sir.

And... go!

No, no. Work together.

The equation doesn't work if you don't work together.

Riley, I could use some water over here to rinse this off.

Oh. Water? You want some water?

Yes, please.

Oh, huckleberry, huckleberry...

Whatever bad, bad things you did at your old school, you are still such a huckleberry.

Why? You need water to rinse off... tell me what you did!

Nothing this bad!

They threw you out of school!

Wash the car!

You're supposed to be washing the car.

Why aren't you washing the car? Wash the car!


When are you gonna tell me what you did?

Fine! You want me to tell you what I did?



Good girl, just give me the hose, and I'll tell you.

Good girl.


Thank you.

No, thank you.





Yours is really something.

She's a lot of work.

What happens to her when you're home, sick?

Oh, I can never get sick.

So, just between you and me what did ranger Rick really do?

Did he tip over a cow?

Did he put eleven gallons in a ten gallon hat?

I think I already said too much.

And he'll tell you what he wants to tell you.

You were really best friends?

Oh, there were never better friends.

Oh, I think there were.

And if Riley was coming from Texas, at least she'd tell me she was coming.

Like I said, something happened.

(Riley screaming)

Your friend's a fountain.


Wait a minute!

Wait! Wait!

Lucas, I lost my contact lens!

Oh my gosh. Riley, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that.

Wait a minute. Since when do you wear... well, you...

Were the first boy I ever liked.

That's a big deal for me.

Are you worth it?

Tell me and I'll believe you.

I want to believe you. Are you worth it?


You two have completely ruined this experiment for me!

You are significantly over three minutes... by how much?

A day!

And you haven't even dried the car yet.

Okay, okay. I think it's dry!

You're a tight little group, aren't you?

Yeah, we are.


Hey! Farkle's right!

This is a serious assignment! Put Farkle down!

Now line up right there!

Stand up straight! Straighter!

I'm gonna show you how you do this right! Open your mouths!

Open 'em!


♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Al washes a car in six minutes.

Fred washes the same car in eight minutes.

How long does it take Al and Fred to wash the same car together?


They were snapping towels at each other!

I said, "the car's not even dry yet!" And they went...

(Imitating hose spraying) Whoa!

She's the fountain. (Shouts nonsense)

So, not three minutes twenty-five point seven seconds?

I was "wruhh."

Excuse me?

I was "wruhh!"


It takes a big man to admit when he was "wruhh!"

There is no answer to this equation.

Except on paper.

Except in a math class.

Which this isn't.

Is there an answer in life?


Now we have arrived at the secret.

Lucas' secret?

Bigger than that.

Riley, sometimes things come out when they're supposed to come out.

As long as you're not different than I think...

Because I think a lot of you.

I used to be different than I am now.

What happened?

I came here.

And there's your answer, yogi.

There's the secret of life.

People change people.

No matter what I teach you in here, learning from the people you care about is more important than the words on any page.

That's why I let you talk in here sometimes.

That's why it's interesting.

Mr. Babineaux might've appreciated that, if he was here.

Where's your friend, Mr. Friar?

I don't know. I can't always be responsible for him.

Sure you can.

But maybe in a different way now.


Zay's mouth gets him in trouble.

He thinks he's tougher than he is, maybe.

But he's my friend.

And I care about my friends.

Riley, you understand that better than anyone.

What was I supposed to do?

I'm sorry, again.

I'm working on it, okay?

♪ ♪

So, I'm new here, you know?

Just tryin' to fit in to what should be my crowd, you know?

Seeking out my kind of people, you know?

I'm sensing you know what I'm talking about.

Look at you. You know what I'm talking about.

That's why I'm not in my extra math class.

'Cause right away, I knew you didn't fit in with these people either.

You know, these car washers?

I'm gonna run with you now.

You're welcome.

Oh, not again...

I'm up in the air.


Oh, not again... I'll be right back, sir.


I'm okay, sir.


I'm okay, sir.

If I manage to not come back expelled, then you have all changed me.


I did it again.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, zay. Get outta here.

(Clicking tongue)

Are you kidding me?

I had a neck in my hand.

I liked it.

I miss it.

You my new neck?

Are you the one?

Because there's one in every school, isn't there?

So, in this school you're the... yeah. It's me.

Daddy? Are you going to stop this?

Not yet.

I couldn't help notice your pointy boots.

Back in Texas we appreciate a nice pointy boot.

They can end a fight real quick.

Unless somebody knows to put his heel on the soft part where all of your toes are.


Now I'm sure you'd like to throw a punch.

Except I got both your wrists. And I'm as strong as a horse.

I don't even work at it. I just am.

The way I see it, all that matters is what happens after you let go.


I know it'd be simpler to just start takin' shots at each other, but I'm gonna tell you something, and you really need to hear this.

In the end, you're gonna be the one on the floor.

And I'm gonna be the one who walks away.


He's gonna be a veterinarian.

So, I'm gonna do you a favor.

And let you keep your reputation.

Now I'd like you to let me keep mine, otherwise we're gonna be twenty and still be in middle school.

You want that?

I am twenty.

So, I could've taken him, right?


Why do you keep finding yourself in these situations?

Well, I like knowing you have my back.

So, what are you doing here, Zay?

Well, maybe I missed my best friend, all right?

Maybe I had a friend in Texas and he moved away and I missed hanging out with him.

And I convinced my entire family to pack everything...

Your dad got transferred?

Yeah, same as you.

Look, I'm glad you're here, buddy.


I don't wanna have to keep being the same guy you knew back in Texas.

Yeah. I'm not so sure you are.

People change people.

Secret of life.

♪ ♪

I can drive daddy crazy in eight seconds.

I can drive mommy crazy in six seconds.

How long does it take Auggie and Riley to drive mommy and daddy crazy together?

You feel like a movie?

Love to.



You can't just get up in the middle of dinner and walk out on them before they drive you crazy.

We can do whatever we want.

See, we couldn't when we were kids, but that's why we became parents.

Well, what do you call that?

Secret of life.

There's lots of 'em.

(Music playing)