03x17 - Girl Meets Hollyworld

Are we best friends?

How could you even ask me that?

Yeah, but what are best friends?

You and I, who would do anything for each other.

Would you give me your kidney?

I'd give you my left one.

I want your right one.

But that's Nicole Kidney.

Too bad, mine now.

There is one final test you must pass.

I shall pass that test, because that's how best friendy we are.

Now give me that test.

Would you kidnap someone that really needed to be kidnapped, and handcuff her to the radiator and lock the door and not tell anybody?

Did you do something?

Is that my bow?

Yup.

You took my bow?

Yup.

When did you take my bow?

Hey, Sherlock, is there anything else jumpin' out at you?

Have you always had that lady?

No, brand-new.

And if you used my bow, does that make me an accomplice?

If this wasn't my room, I'd have nothing to do with this.

Oh, no.

What have I done?

(Theme music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ For a day like this to come ♪
♪ Struck like lightning ♪
♪ My heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ On the edge of something wonderful ♪
♪ Face-to-face with changes ♪
♪ What's it all about? ♪
♪ Life is crazy ♪
♪ But I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'Cause I got you to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right ♪
♪ I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ Light up the stars ♪
♪ I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "Oh, oh, oh" ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Take on the world Take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world Take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪

What did you do?

I stole a lady.

What happens now?

So, um, how good of a lawyer are you?

Never lost a case.

Oh. Well, that's over.

She's already seen your face.

Yes. But she doesn't know that my name is Riley Matthews.

Shnagel.

Hi.

Does she have a good reason for this?

(With French accent) I am an international superstar.

I will not be handcuffed to a radiator.

Hey, you said that just like Anastasia Boulangerie in the blockbuster thriller I Will Not Be 'Andcuffed to a Radiator.

Riley?

Yeah?

That is Anastasia Boulangerie.

Yeeeeeeeeeeee!

Where are my cookies?

What?

I want my French cookies.

Do you know what they are called?

Macaroons!

Yes! You will be my new cookie bringer!

Yay! Maya, yay!

Riley, focus. We kidnapped Anastasia Boulangerie.

Oh! Well, go big or go home, I always say.

Really? Never lost a case, huh?

Think you ever will?

No.

Ha-ha!

This is not creme fraiche.
This is whipped cream.

From a store.

I have failed you.

Oh, and you, street rat. You call this a flower?

No, no, no. I call this a blob.

Look, lady, you're not our guest, you're being...

Borrowed.

What?

Borrowed is what we did.

I don't like the other word. I like borrowed.

I... I don't think it makes a difference.

Oh, yes, I think it does.

I don't mind being borrowed.

It's romantic, like a fountain.

Get me a fountain.

(Laughing)

Why, you're laughing because where are we gonna get a fountain?

No, I'm laughing because what on earth is my father going to put on the board for this one?

Squeak!

I wanted a chocolate fountain.

And I wanted a chance for my mom to play one great role.

You went too far, do you understand?

And I went too far because I am your best friend, but there are limits to best friendship.

There are no limits to us.

Good! Now, let's just not do anything that could get us caught.

(Shutter clicking)

Look, I know what we did was wrong, but the reason I did it is because my mom's up for a movie, and I think she could really be right for the role.

What is it?

The role of Katy, a down-on-her-luck waitress who's always wanted to be an actress, has one daughter and one last shot at love.

There is only one person in the world who could play this role!

I know.

Anastasia Boulangerie!

Yes, of course I will play the role!

I am perfect for everything!

Wait. Why did Maya borrow you if you already have the role?

Are you not telling me the whole truth, Anastasia Boulangerie?

Okay. Okay, there may be a certain insignificant unknown who is also up for the role.

And it's Katy Hunter, isn't it?

Yes. Katy 'Unter.

Well, why don't you just let Maya's mother have this one, and you go play Queen Francy-Pants of France?

Are we leakin' again?

Oh, we got a fountain.

Bobbie Jo?

I am sure I have no idea of this Bobbie Jo who you say.

Oh, knock off the phony accent, Bobbie Jo, I know who you are.

(Hillbilly accent) Okay, fine! But this here does not leave this here room!

What?

The?

I always promised to keep your secret and I always have.

Yeah, Katy, you always have.

Mom, you know her?

Oh! We kind of grew up together.

You grew up with Queen Pantsy-France of Pants?

Maya, I'm sorry I never told you about Bobbie Jo, but she made me promise.

Well, if this got out, it could ruin everything for me!

What is it?

Anastasia Boulangerie is not from France.

Both: What?

See?

Where is she from?

She is from Possum Trot, Arkansas.

Both: What?

See?

But you're from Possum Trot, Arkansas.

What?

Riley, you knew that.

I can't stop.

Maya, you know how Maya Hart has Riley Matthews.

Always and forever.

Well, Katy Grace Clutterbucket always thought she'd have...

Bobbie Jo Thibodeaux.

How do?

Your best friend was Anastasia Boulangerie?

No. Uh, my best friend was Bobbie Jo Thibodeaux.

I was never very close to Anastasia Boulangerie, who left.

But at one time, we would've done anything for each other.

Maya, I don't understand. How could this happen to best friends?

Well, Mom, do you want me to set her free?

No, Mama really wants this role.

No, really, how good a lawyer are you?

Ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

So, we all heard from Yogi's father, Officer Yogi, about gritty real life.

And now, to talk to you guys about a life of imagination, is Sarah's father, a movie director.

The policeman had nothing to do with us.

(Whispers) We're in the clear.

I'm... a movie director.

We're fine.

And my next project is the new Anastasia Boulangerie, yeah, movie.

We're less fine.

Does anybody know where she is?

Go crazy.

Bark!

My name is DW Preminger, and I have my wonderful daughter to thank for the idea behind my new film about a struggling waitress.

And her daughter And her friends!

Yeah, that's right. You think I've just been sitting here?

I've been taking notes!

I've been writing my screenplay.

But in the fairy tale town that is Hollywood, there is actually an upstart contender challenging Ms. Boulangerie for this role, and you know, it just might happen, because the world loves an undiscovered underdog.

And also because... we can't find the other one.

So, does anybody know where she is?

Both: No!

I believe there was another thing you wanted to tell them, DW?

You know what else the audience likes?

"Authenticity!"

So, in the interest of authenticity, DW Preminger's going to extend an invitation to the real life friends of his daughter's imagination because what could be more Hollywood authentic than holding out false hope... to you, who inspired the roles, to audition for the roles, of Dookas...

Dookas?

Zed...

Zed?

And Farkle Poopypants McStupidhead.

Ha-ha, Dookus!

What about us?

Aren't we in it?

Yeah, you sit on the side and don't talk.

That seems fair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a missing actress to locate.

You gonna call in the FBI?

No, I... was just gonna look around, but, hey!

You see, Maya, I have good ideas.

Worst... sidekick... ever.

Free time. I don't remember the last time I had free time.

What does one do with free time?

Yes?

Define felony.


Oh my gosh. It's Anastasia Boulangerie and she's holding a radiator.

Oui. I am holding a radiator because the FBI is hot on my trail and they had to move me.

I believe you are familiar with my captors?

Captors?

No, we only borrowed her, Mommy.

Did they only borrow you?

Actually, I am enjoying myself, yes.

Okay, good. Because otherwise it's kidnapping!

Don't do that!

We won't.

There are consequences, you know.

Oh.

Anastasia Boulangerie is actually Bobbie Jo Thibodeux, my old friend from Possum Trot, Arkansas.

Really? That's a little hard to believe.

(Hillbilly accent) Well, believe it, sister.

You know, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

We were best friends.

I don't know about that. Real best friends don't fall apart.

Real best friends would do anything for each other.

But I bet that you have loads of best friends now that you're rich and famous.

I'm sorry, Katy.

I'm sorry that I made it hard to believe.

I'm Katy Grace.

And I'm Bobbie Jo.

And together...

Both: We are the Singin' Possum Trotters!

♪ Dingdingadingdingdinga dingdingding ♪
♪ Dingadingading dingading dingding ♪
♪ Oh there's a fish and a bear and a cow over there ♪

Both: ♪ But you won't find better friends nowhere ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm Katy Grace ♪
♪ And I'm Bobbie Jo ♪
♪ Now wind us up and watch us go! ♪

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Oh, I would love to do-si-do with you, but I can't unless you unlock me from this radiator.

Do you trust me, old friend?

I've always trusted you. Maya?

Are you sure, Mom?

I'm sure.

(Sighs)

It was nice knowin' you.

All right, let's do this thing.

A woohoo!

♪ Oh, I'm Bobbie Jo ♪
♪ And I'm Katy Grace ♪

Both: ♪ And we go together anyplace ♪

Ah-woohoo!

Ah-yeehah!

♪ It's me and you and you and me ♪
♪ And that's the way it'll always be ♪

Is it over?

It has to be!

Big finish!

No, it isn't over.

♪ We go together, we're friends forever ♪
♪ And ever and ever ♪

Ooh...

What?

Just real feelings.

We played all the county fairs.

Promised each other... that if either one of us ever got famous, we'd be happy for each other.

I always have been.

Bobbie Jo, I would never take anything away from you.

I know that, Katy. I know you wouldn't.

Look at you two. Is fame and fortune really worth being separated from your best friend?

Yeah.

Of course not.

I don't get this.

Neither do I.

I don't care how famous you got.

Friends are supposed to be friends.

Why didn't you miss her more?

Well, I think maybe she did.

Yeah. The way I see it, you could've lifted up that radiator and gotten away any time you wanted.

I would hardly call this a kidnapping.

Okay, fine, it wasn't. I knew it was Maya from all the pictures I'd seen of you.

You looked me up?

Maybe a little.

You checkin' up on us?

Congratulations on gettin' married again.

He seems like a really a good man.

He's wonderful.

I got my baby girl and a husband who loves me.

I love my life.

Yeah. I love my life, too.

So... (Clears throat) you will not be auditioning for the role of Katy anymore?

Against you? Me against you for the role of me?

Oh... No, I'll be auditioning.

And I'm gonna beat you.

They were best friends once, Maya.

Now they're going against each other.

Best friends are supposed to stay best friends. -Mm, I don't think they know that.

Hey, Sarah.

We're here to audition for the roles of Dookas, Zed and Farkle.

Yeah, you and the rest of the city.

I'm not happy!

I'm wearin' my cowboy hat.

I'm wearin' my cowboy hat!

My moment's gonna be my cowboy hat!

Am I an idiot?

I withhold judgment because I'm smart enough to know what happens next.

Lucas! I'm up in the air!

Yeah, that's how I did it.

Anastasia! There you are, my darling!

Where have you been?

(French accent) I took some time to consider my, how you say, priorities.

What?

Priorities.

What?

(Hillbilly accent) I been thinkin' about stuff!

What just happened?

All right, look...

I'm all for Hollywood fairy tales... but the truth is, she's a big box office draw, and you're not.

Anastasia, the role is yours, unless someone has a real good reason why it isn't.

Authenticity?

Sorry. What?

You said that authenticity was a very big deal to you?

No, I said that authenticity was a very big deal to the audience.

I prefer pretty people sayin' stuff.

My mother's pretty, and she says stuff just as good as she does.

Yeah? Let's see if that's so.

Would you like a moment to prepare?

I've been prepared my whole life.

I know it by heart.

I'll read the parts of Smiley and Banana.

Banana?

I'm Smiley!

No, I'm going to perform the scene to this Riley and this Maya.

Because they've always kept me real.

Actually, it only looks like nothin' ever went right for me.

Maybe bein' walked out on by the wrong guy is what allowed the right guy to walk in.

Maybe watchin' my daughter discover the joy of a best friend is what teaches me who mine really are.

And maybe bein' apart... is supposed to show you how hard you're supposed to fight to stay together.

'Cause a true friend is the best thing that life has to offer.

Anastasia?

I could never beat that.

Why not?

Because I, uh... (Clears throat) don't believe in it.

Yes, maybe I'm this, so I could be that, pish-posh.

I am who I am, and this is who I am.

Give the role to her. She was born to play it.

But you're Anastasia Boulangerie.

And she is Katy Hunter.

Real person.

Bravo.

Be careful bein' famous.

It's easy to forget who you are.

Girls! You can borrow me anytime!

Au revoir!

♪ I'm Bobbie Jo ♪
♪ I'm Katy Grace ♪

I want to play Smiley!

You're not right for it.

Okay!

Mr. Matthews, what do you call being best friends with someone one day and then growing apart forever?

Unfortunately, I call that normal, Maya.

No.

Don't worry, Maya. Nothing could change us.

Not even Hollywood.

Huh!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Oh, my gosh! Farkle, you got the part!

No.

Just keepin' the costume?

What costume?

Yeah, listen up, Sy. You tell them I only want to be semi-regular. All right?

I show up when I want to, tell 'em to get workin' on my catch phrases.

I don't know, somethin' like... Zay what?

Zay, you got the part!

No.

Um, Lucas?

I'm not Lucas anymore.

I'm Taylor Tristan Cool Cool Poopy Pants McStupidhead.

You got the part!

Yup.

Really?

No!

Well... Maya?

I've decided that when I grow up...

I want to be my mother's daughter, I want to be Riley's friend, and I want us all to know how important we are to each other.

I would do anything for you.

I know.

Farkle reading for the role of Farkle.

Any questions?

Yeah, how do you... how do you want this guy?

Farkly.

There was the very fast-talking Farkle where everybody would yell at me...

Slow down!

Yeah, like that.

And then there was Donnie Barnes, regular guy!

I'd see that movie.

And now there's the current Farkle, who's somewhere between nerd-chic and teenage heartthrob poster boy.

Next!

Yeah, okay.

Hello. Lucas Friar, auditioning for the role of Dookas.

Okay... Dookas is the strong, silent type.

Okay.

He's able to convey a lot of emotions through very few words.

Okay.

He's got a smoldering presence that makes men want to be him, and women want to be with him.

Okay.

Do you do accents?

I am Mortimer Twigglebottom Smythe!

Next!

(Exhaling)

She ate... my cookie, man!

Next!

Zay what?

Hold on, do that again.

Zay what?

Now, next.