03x18 - Girl Meets A Christmas Maya

The holidays are the best time to be a Riley.

There's sleigh bells and cocoa, and it's time once again for Secret Santa.

Yow!

Every time you say Secret Santa from here until the end of Christmas, I will be doing the small pinch.

The small pinch? The one where you take the tiniest amount of skin between your nails and do the small pinch?

Every time you say...

Secret Santa?

Yow!

But why?

Because let me tell you a secret everyone's been keeping from you.

What?

We hate Secret Santa.

You hate Secret Santa?

Yow!

Impossible! Secret Santa...

Yow!

...gives us all a chance to dig deep and think about someone else.

Good. Let's think about what I got you this year.

(Gasps) Maya!

A suitcase? Where are we going?

Somewhere?

Nowhere!

I'm your present! I'm with you for the holidays!

Yes! What? Yes!

Why?

So we can have an epic Christmas together.

But you always start at home and then end up here.

But, Maya, this is your first Christmas with your mom and Shawn.

This one's going to be different.

But what if it's not?

But if I'm not there and something goes wrong, can it be my fault?

No.

This Christmas we'll set the stage for what Christmas is going to be like.

My mom and I only know how to do crazy, but if I'm not there and Shawn doesn't see the crazy, then maybe we have a chance.

Why can't it ever just be the best time to be a Riley?

(Theme music playing)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ For a day like this to come ♪
♪ Struck like lightning ♪
♪ My heart's beating like a drum ♪
♪ On the edge of something wonderful ♪
♪ Face-to-face with changes ♪
♪ What's it all about? ♪
♪ Life is crazy ♪
♪ But I know I can work it out ♪
♪ 'Cause I got you to live it with me ♪
♪ I feel all right ♪
♪ I'm gonna take on the world ♪
♪ Light up the stars ♪
♪ I've got some pages to turn ♪
♪ I'm singing "Go-o-o" ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world, take on the world ♪
♪ Take on the world ♪

Okay.

Who's ready for Egret Ahh-Ahh!

Ha!

Do you never give up with this?

Secret Santa's horrible every year.

You know who's the smartest man alive?

Thank you, Zay.

I wasn't gonna say you. I was gonna say Lucas.

Why is Lucas smart? He's not even here. Oh!

Yeah, where is Lucas?

He went to Texas for the holidays.

How could he have gone without telling me?

Because this was his way out of Secret Santa.

He knows even you can't reach him 2,000 miles away.

Oh, trust me, he's doin' it.

Now, I want you to really think hard about the person that you get, because this gift tells them how much that you know about them.

And whatever happens, do not say who you have.

That's the egret part of Egret Ahh-Ahh. Ready?

Yikes.

Yikes.

I got Maya.

Smackle!

This is who I am!

Okay, you go. Do not react.

Oh, please, Riley, show me how.

It's Farkle.

Smackle!

All right, Peaches, do not say who you have.

Never, Sweetie, I know how much this means to you.

Tell us.

Never.

I won't even tell you if it's a him or a her.

Thank you, Maya.

Okay, everybody. Let's find out how well we really know each other.

"But in a last word to the wise of these days, let it be said that of all who give gifts, these two were the wisest."

Let me get this straight.

There's nothing to get straight.

I told you not to read to her.

The Gift of the Magi is one of the most beautiful stories ever told.

They loved each other so much.

Why? Because she sold her hair to buy a thingy for his watch, and he sold his watch to buy a thingy for her hair?

This is love to you?

Combs. He bought her beautiful combs for her beautiful tresses.

Tresses?

Not now, Pookie.

Ava, the man sold his favorite thing in the world.

What's your favorite thing in the world?

You are.

Who's a good boy?

Me. Ruff!

Better story, and I didn't have to buy him nothin'.

Hey, Ursula. He bought her a thing, and she bought him a thing, and those things were useless because they loved each other.

Why is this a good story?

It's good because they knew each other so well that they proved their love to each other.

That's it. Yes, that's it.

Great. She turns herself into a bald chick, and he don't even know what time it is.

The end.

The story has holes, man.

Switch!

Okay. Guys, the cookies are done.

Who wants to help me decorate 'em?

(Cheering)

What's up?

I need help, man. I... I picked Smackle.

You're on your own.

Hey! We're supposed to be friends.

I think that's the whole point, Zay.

Riley's whole idea here is to see how well we know each other.

I don't know her that well, and you do.

Yeah. It'd be super easy for me to get her something I know she'd like, like a theremin.

What's that?

It's this weird musical instrument they use in horror movies.

It goes kind of like... (Warbling)

Okay.

You can buy one of those?

Yeah, she'd love one of those.

Yeah, she would.

But that's my idea. It doesn't help you that I know that.

You need to know that.

But I don't know her that well.

Why not? She's our friend, she's in our group.

Yeah. This is horrible.

Horrible. (Warbling)

You're doing the theremin.

Yeah.

I love the theremin!

I know.

You know what I'd really like one day?

A theremin?

Yes!

Who knows me better than you?

Nobody.

Especially not you.

Yeah. Thanks for nothin'.

So, who'd you get for Secret Santa?

Zay.

What are you gonna get him?

I have absolutely no idea.

(Warbling)

Yeah. Yeah.

Ava, how many cookies have you had?

A lot!

A lot! A lot! A lot! A lot! A lot! A lot! A lot!

Look how fast I can run!

(Squawks)

I am taking you home right now, young lady.

You are spending Christmas with your new family and that is that.

That isn't that.

Why can't that be that?

Because you can't make me if I don't want to.

(Squawking)

(Squawks)


Maya, the best place you can possibly be is with your family right now.

No. This is not the time. People go crazy at the holidays.

Why would you say that?

(Babbling)

Maya, you are the best present you could ever give to your parents.

I'm freakin' out, man.

This is your guys's first Christmas together, and they want to spend it with you.

No. We finally have something, and I'm not ruining it.

What could you have if you're not even there?

Attention, Matthews family and Freako Morgenstern!

(Snoring)

We need to teach Maya the meaning of Christmas.

Bah, Humbug. My mom and I don't know how to do Christmas.

We throw snowballs at the skaters in Rockefeller Center.

That was you?

I almost died!

I spent every Christmas Eve at the diner with my mom, watching her work.

Then we'd have a couple of tuna melts.

She'd do her Christmas crazy and we'd call it a day.

What's Christmas crazy?

What could your mom have possibly done that you would be afraid to show Shawn?

Gimbo the Elf.

Who?

She told me that Santa really loved us too, but he was too busy with the people uptown, so we got Gimbo the Elf, who she became.

Well, did she come down the chimney?

We didn't have a chimney.

Um, she came in through the hole in the wall and said, "Ho ho ho, little Maya. Have you been a good little girl?"

And I'd say, "Not especially," and then I'd ask her to stay in the hole because at least it kept the wind out.

All: Yikes.

That was all great when it was just my mom and me.

But "Merry Christmas, Shawn Hunter, welcome to us," I don't think so.

Mom, Dad, we need to turn them into the perfect family for the holidays.

We're gonna need a Christmas miracle!

You carry glitter in your pocket.

I used to carry butterflies, but...

Welcome. Welcome, good, gentle people to... "A Christmas Maya."

Really?

Yes! Because we want to show you what went wrong with your Christmas past, so that you can improve your Christmas present.

Christmas present.

No.

Act one! Christmas past.

Crazy Christmas.

(Southern accent) Baby girl, it's me!

Baby girl, your mama is home from the Nighthawk Diner where I spent all Christmas Eve slingin' hash for tips so that I could give you the Christmas you deserve!

She's me!

All this time I wanted to be her and she's me.

Too soon.

I'm Maya Penelope Hart, and I'm a troubled kid.

With a heart of gold!

And I wore these things for like, two years.

Guess who I ran into to today.

Anybody but Gimbo.

Gimbo the Elf!

Yay!

No yay!

Well... hello, Maya!

I bet you're wonderin' what I've got in this big bag of practical gifts.

Wet Wipes?

I... I wish. It's just regular napkins.

But I could spit on 'em for ya.

You're the best, Gimbo.

This year I may not have anything in this bag that you want, but I tried real hard for there to be somethin' that you might need.

What's this, Gimbo?

It's a permit that says that next year you can go to school with your new little friend.

You mean Riley?

Yeah! Would you like that?

Who knows? Maybe you'll meet other friends, too.

Maybe... I guess.

It's not a toy or anything.

I know.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

I didn't realize how important that gift was.

That's okay. You were just a little girl.

You gave me all my friends.

And now... Act Two.

Christmas Present.

Secret Santa.

Do it.

Aah!

No, Spirit, please don't make me go.

Boy, you love drama.

I know I do.

Okay, who goes first?

No! We're not going one at a time, I want this over with as quick as possible.

I don't think everybody feels that way, Maya.

Oh... Oh, boy. Uh, it's a clock.

It's broken.

And the instruction manual on how to fix it.

Best Christmas ever.

I must've opened the wrong one.

The Magical Gathering of Dungeon Masters.

Of Catan. For Nerds.

This can't be for me.

It has your name on it.

Oh, wow. Just... Hmm.

Thank you.

Boy. I may have never done this with you before, but even I know you could at least pretend to deeply appreciate whatever you get.

Etiquette: A Guide to Manners and Proper Behavior Among People.

I deeply appreciate it.

Guys, that's a really mean gift. Guys?

Farkle, wait. I'm sure there's a good reason that somebody would...

Yeah, is there a good reason somebody would get me this?

Farkle, you found out that your ancestors are Jewish.

So... I... I don't know who I am anymore, I shouldn't even be celebrating Christmas?

No. No, that's not it at all.

Why are you pushing me?

I'm not! I didn't mean to.

Great job. I mean, another brilliant year, Secret Santas.

Yeah, I guess we don't really know each other at all.

A broken clock? That's what you think of me?

Maya, we're not going anywhere until we figure out why these horrible gifts are great.

There's nothing to figure out, the whole thing's a disaster.

What does this mean, Riley? How is this great?

Farkle, I got this for you not to change you, but because it's a part of where you came from.

Ever since the day after our culture week, when you found out that you might have a new ancestry, I started reading about it. Because I love you.

And I would always want to know who you are.

Whoever you are.

Did you know that in Hebrew everything goes from right to left?

All this time, everything you've done, you've always thought left to right.

And now, you may need to consider that there's another way.

And when I thought about that, I thought it would be good for you, because if you know both ways, well... then you have an even greater understanding than you did before.

Isn't that what you've always wanted?

Happy Hanukkah, Farkle. Merry Christmas.

Happy everything.

Thanks, Riley, uh...

You're right. I'm gonna try to learn everything I can about this.

This was from me, Zay.

The Magical Gathering of the Dungeon Masters.

Of Catan. For Nerds.

Why would you think I'd want this? Isn't this something you'd want?

Is this what you think of me?

No, we know how close you are to Lucas, and... with him away for the holidays, we didn't want you to feel like you were alone.

So Smackle and I wanted to include you in our world, too.

Farkle told me that he didn't know what to get you, and it bothered us that we didn't know you better.

And we want to. So he got you this game, that will help us to get to know you.

How?

Because it takes 17 years to play.

Then we better get started. Thank you.

I'm the one who, uh, got you this.

I know that there are some things that are different about me.

That's why you got me an etiquette book?

Well... if you open it, you'll see there's some writing in the margins.

Yeah, you crossed out a lot of stuff.

And you wrote some of your own stuff.

Yeah, here, see, it says, uh, "A young lady speaks in a gentle tone, and never raises her voice."

Your voice is my favorite thing about you.

That's why I crossed all these things out.

That's why I changed everything to the funny things you do that I like.

Because I know you're working on stuff, but I never want you to forget who you are, and what makes you wonderful.

I'm feeling things because of you!

You're welcome, Smackle.

Can't wait to hear this one.

It's beautiful. But it's broken.

It was hard to find a broken one.

Ever since I've known you, you've never stopped trying to put yourself back together.

I wanted to get you something to let you know that you've done a great job, and it's okay to work on something else.

But why a clock?

You already know that time fixes a lot of things.

I thought you might like to return the favor.

I'm not crying, you are.

You did good, guys.

So did you, Riley.

Yeah, Riley, maybe we should give this Secret Santa thing one more year.

Hey, Maya... you know the good thing about having a nice clock?

Once you fix it, it will always point you towards your... Christmas future.

Ghost of the Future. I fear you most of all.

(Warbling)

Get me one!

I'm Shawn. Hey!

Close enough.

I live in a trailer park.

It's Christmas. I never liked Christmas.

I never knew who my real mother was, and the few times my father was home for the holidays, well...

Happy cheese log, boy!

This time, I am gonna stay forever.

Well... gotta go!

Maya, you think your Christmases were crazy?

No, I think what's crazy is you're supposed to be showing me the future.

This is Shawn's past.

That's right. Because to get to your best future, you needed to see that.

You got a lesson for me here, Matthews?

Well, I think Shawn might.

At least you had people that cared to be there.

That's all I ever wanted.

Don't you want that, too?

Maya, sometimes people find each other because they're exactly who they need.

It's like that great story, the Gift of the Magi.

Where people sacrifice for other people because they love them.

I'm going to kill you right now on Christmas.

Maya. Go. Shawn's waiting for you guys.

Mom?

Yeah, honey?

Can we go home now?

Yeah.

Thank you for every Christmas past.

You always gave me everything I needed.

Well, so did you, Baby girl.

It is still okay that I call you that, right?

And it's okay that Shawn's a part of our crazy now?

For the rest of our lives.

Merry Christmas. We have to go.

'Cause we have someone waiting for us.

So we're going home.

Isn't that wonderful?

Merry Christmas, every one.

The best time to be a Riley.

Hey, buddy.

I know what you did, Riley.

Because I understand the story, too.

What did I do?

You gave Maya back to her family.

Even though it was hard for you, and you wanted to keep her for yourself.

You gave her the gift that would make her truly happy.

Don't tell her.

I don't have to.

She knows.