01X17 - The Wood

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Treen-a-reena.

Oh, hey, you want a soda?

Uh, sure.

Me too, gimme money.

Okay, now, watch as I scare the lip gloss off of Tori and trina.

I don't even know why you would choose it.

I mean... now... Laser as*ault.

I think the rebels won that one.

Hey, thanks a lot for whacking my astro craft!

It was attacking us.

And stupid.

We have artwork throughout the whole building, and this is kinda the main hallway.

Get some sh*ts of the kids on the stairs there.

Oh, my God, they're filming something.

That girl keeps blockin' my sh*t.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Oh, these guys are sh**ting a tv show.

A TV show?

I wanna be on a TV show.

What show are you guys from?

It's a new one, called "The Wood."

I wanna be on "The Wood."

What's "The Wood"?

I wanna be on it.

These are the producers, Kyle and... Mick.

Mick.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hey, I'm Robbie.

Spelled with two bs.

So, what's "the wood" about?

It's a reality show... About teenagers in Hollywood.

I'm a teenager, and I'm in Hollywood right now.

See?

They're here getting some sh*ts of our school... and to look for interesting kids to feature on the show.

So, is there gonna be like a casting session?

Uh-huh.

After school, in the black box.

I'll be there.

Hey, can we get some sh*ts of kids outside?

Sure, let's go this way.

So, you guys gonna try out?

Yeah.

Ah, I don't know.

A reality show?

Yeah, they can be really fun sometimes.

Yeah, but I'm an actor.

I don't know if I wanna be involved... hey, I think my astro craft still works.

I thought I k*lled that thing.

You may have inflicted some minor damage, but watch.

As I press "return to base,"

and have it come right... Uh-oh!

Nerd down.

♪ Here I am ♪
♪ once again feeling lost ♪
♪ but now and then ♪
♪ I breathe it in ♪
♪ to let it go ♪
♪ and you don't know ♪
♪ where you are now ♪
♪ or what it would come to ♪
♪ if only somebody could hear ♪
♪ when you figure out how ♪
♪ you're lost in the moment ♪
♪ you disappear ♪
♪ you don't have to be afraid ♪
♪ to put your dream in action ♪
♪ you're never gonna fade ♪
♪ you'll be ♪
♪ the main attraction ♪
♪ not a fantasy ♪
♪ just remember me ♪
♪ when it turns out right ♪
♪ 'cause you know ♪
♪ that if you live ♪
♪ in your imagination ♪
♪ tomorrow you'll be ♪
♪ everybody's fascination ♪
♪ in my victory ♪
♪ just remember me ♪
♪ when I make it shine ♪

about to audition for The Wood.

I think Jade spit in my coffee.

Feeling: Perky.

Okay, next... Hey.

Tori Vega.

Girl.

We can tell.

Okay, Tori, this is a really informal audition.

We're just tryin' to get a feel for your personality.

Got it.

Feel away.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I know.

I squirted the hot cheese all over my friend and her current boyfriend, who was my ex-boyfriend, and then I kissed him right in front of her, which I felt really bad about.

But then, it was okay, 'cause she punched me right in the face.

Put a star by this girl.

Tell us something you love.

Easy, music.

And something you hate?

Brussel sprouts.

Okay, what if there was a really great song about brussel sprouts?

Well, y'know, I'd probably... I'd probably feel like...

Because when... it usually depends on...

Um, may I go to the bathroom?

Okay, picture me sitting on a pony wearing a bright purple hat.

I... I was wearing the purple hat, not the pony.

Do they even make pony hats?

Anyway, I was looking faboo.

And so, then, I realized acting is not about acting.

It's about letting the emotions inside of you come out and represent moments... are you dating anyone?

Katie.

I just think we should know if he has a girlfriend.

Do you?

Yeah, I do.

Dang it!

Okay, I'm Robbie.

I'm Rex.

No.

Thank you for your time.

Jerks.

Okay, Jade, what do you hate?

Uh, tuna fish, flowers, giggling, the word panties, cilantro, rainbows, ducks.

Man, I hate ducks.

Cramps, string cheese, clocks, wet doorknobs, bras that hook in the front, the lolor yellow, carpeting...

Yeah, you know, I like shirts with green stripes.

Hey, Beck.

Smell my arm.

No perfume.

That's my natural scent.

I have to live with her.

Hey, you guys.

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Kyle has some cool news for you.

Tori Vega, Beck oliver, Jade West, and Andre Harris, congratulations.

You're all gonna be featured on "the wood."

Really?

Fantastic.

And what about me?

No.

Why not?

'Cause you reek of desperation.

That's her natural scent.

Here you go.

Thanks, festus.

I want a tamale.

Too bad, he got the last one.

Give it to me.

No, I want it.

Look, I am not in a good mood, and I want a tamale.

So, hand it over.

No.

I'm not kidding around with you.

Hey! Stop it!

Let go off the tamale.

It's my tamale.

No fighting over tamales.

Aah!

Okay, so, how do you want me to do this?

Just tell us where you are, what you're doing.

And really have fun with it.

Okay.

Whuddup, whuddup, chickity, chickity, check it out.

You got t-vega, that's Tori vegadocious.

Initials t-v on your tv.

Not that much fun.

I was being urban.

Yeah, not really.

Aw man, why do I always get the hiccups when I talk urban?

Let's just try it again.

Right.

Hey, I'm Tori Vega.

I live here in the Hollywood hills with my mom, dad, and my big sister, trina.

Keep goin'.

All right.

Let's see.

And there's my phone.

Should I...?

Answer it.

Okay.

Oh, it's my aunt sonya.

Hey, you.

Sorry, I have the hiccups.

Uh... no, my parents aren't home.

Yeah, you should come over.

I know, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

Hey, how's little ankimo?

Last month, she got this new puppy named ankimo, and he is the cutest thing ever.

Wait, you're putting the puppy on the phone?

She's putting the puppy on the phone.

Hi puppy, hi baby.

Aw, you want me to tickle your tummy?

Maybe you should wrap up the puppy talk.

Right, sorry.

Aunt sonya, I gotta... wait, you bought the car?

No way.

Does mom know?

Okay, okay, I won't tell her.

All right, love you, miss you.

Muahh!

Later.

Okay, so now what?

Bwaahh!

Aah.

Dude, why scare me like that?

It gets rid of the hiccups...

Sometimes.

I didn't yank festus's broom.

All I said I was hungry, and I just wanted a tamale.

I was just trying to enjoy my tamale.

Stop it.

Trina came up and tried to take my tamale.

Oh, oh!

You two were fighting, and you yanked festus right out of his grub truck, and now he's in the hospital.

I just wanted a tamale.

Well, you went and broke his tamale makin' arm.

So, now what?

We're sorry.

Yeah, well until festus is outta the hospital, you two are gonna work the grub truck.

Gross!

Trina.

I'm not gonna... why should I...?

Waaaaaeeehhhh!

Come on, the man got hurt.

The least we can do is work the guy's truck for him.

Easy for you to say.

You don't have $40 manicure.

Don't I?

Hey.

Hey, shut up.

You people are animals.

I'm doing the best I can.

Did you say a hamburger?

Hey Robbie, we're friends.

Remember us?

No, I'm not Andy samberg.

Please.

That didn't go well.

You wanna pick up a pizza?

Sure.

I'll call Omar's.

You got cash?

In my locker.

Back in a b*at.

Okay.

Uh... hey, guys.

Ignore us.

Just keep doin'

what you're doin'.

All right, I'm just callin' Omar's pizza 'cause the grub truck...

Oh, hey, Omar.

Hey, what's up?

It's Beck.

So, guess what I want?

No, no, an extra large pizza.

Aww!

Trina poked me with a big fork.

Look.

Poke her back.

So, what's on the Grande supreme?

Oh, that sounds pretty good, except for the onions.

Yeah, my girlfriend's not gonna like that.

Can you leave those off?

You are the best.

So, can you have that ready in 15?

You make me happy.

Yeah, okay, I'll be there soon.

Yeah, okay.

Bye.

Ouch!

I am telling you, Robbie, I am not going to put up with this.

Trina, what are you doing?

Listen I...

I am not putting up with this anymore.

This is crazy.

Gettin' ready to sneak a peek at The Wood! Lemonade for Beck.

Feeling: Antsy.

Your lemonade, sir.

Thanks.

Hey.

Why is it pink?

It's pink lemonade.

I've never seen any pink lemons.

There are no pink lemons.

So, what makes it pink?

Well, you know, it's... it's a... shut up.

Hi.

Hey, guess what we got.

I don't care.

C'mon.

We got an advance copy of "the wood."

First episode.

Wanna watch it with us?

No, they rejected me.

I know, but I'm in it.

Yeah, I gotta go change a lightbulb.

All right, let's view this.

Crank it.

Wait.

Don't you wanna wait for Jade?

Jade's here.

I'm here.

Wait.

When did you get here?

Half hour ago.

Well, where have you been?

In your room.

You've a lot of things in there.

Wait, but why.

I don't... I don't... so, let's see it.

Here we go.

Ohh.

Welcome to "the wood."

Hollywood.

At this performing arts high school, Hollywood arts, you can find good drama on stage.

But the best drama happens off stage.

Beck and Jade have been dating for two years.

Uchh, yeah, sh**t me from that angle.

You look great.

I know.

But is Beck getting tired of the same old thing?

Hey, it's Beck.

Hi, baby.

What's up?

My parents aren't home.

Oh, that sounds pretty good.

I know, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

So, guess what I want aw, you want me to tickle your tummy?

Yeah, sure.

You should come over.

Yeah, my girlfriend's not gonna like that.

I won't tell her.

Okay, I'll be there soon.

All right, love you, miss you.

You make me happy.

Muaahh!

Bye.

Later.

Man. This so was good.

Get her off, get her off.

Stop it.

Get off!

Okay.

That phone conversation never happened.

I saw it.

I need some more pink lemonade.

That phone call between Beck and me wasn't real.

You offered to tickle his tummy.

I was talking to a puppy.

I was ordering a pizza.

How did she know you like having your tummy tickled?

Everyone likes having their tummy tickled.

It's true.

Sometimes, I do it to myself.

The producers took two separate phone conversations and cut 'em together.

I wanna hear that from them.

Yeah, we took two separate phone calls and cut 'em together.

Pretty cool, right?

Cool?

She almost k*lled me.

I wouldn't have actually k*lled you.

Well, aren't you sweet?

Isn't "the wood" supposed to be a reality show?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

But the phone call you guys cut together, that wasn't real.

So?

Almost nothing is real in reality shows.

It's entertainment.

Drama.

Our job as producers is to take the footage we get and make it into something people wanna watch.

Yeah, we get that, but... look.

You guys go to this school 'cause you wanna entertain people, right?

Yeah.

So?

Okay.

Well, this is no different than being in a play... or a movie.

It's acting.

Just without a script.

So, like improv.

Exactly.

Thank you.

Well, you coulda told us that.

Before the attempted m*rder.

Don't be so dramatic.

No, be more dramatic.

And the next time that you two have a girl fight, could you call us first, so we can get it on video?

Or they could re-enact it.

♪ Action ♪

aah!

Bobby!

Camera!

Aah.

No, no.

Okay, that is one chicken Caesar wrap.

Yum.

One tuna wrap.

Thank you.

And a very pretty veggie burger for a very pretty mouth to chew.

Thanks.

Here ya go.

Thank you very much.

I'll um... hey!

Wait, this is a coupon for lady soap!

I can't accept this.

You have to pay in cash!

Shut up!

Okay, I'll make it work.

Thanks.

Y'know, you're supposed to be helping.

Excuse me, but I'm the one who figured out how to use the deep fryer.

Great.

What'd ya fry?

Rex's foot.

What?

You did not.

Oh-oh.

Ohh!!

Unbelievable, man.

No, you're unbelievable, 'cause you always gotta make a big deal outta nothing.

You trashed my beach house.

You said I could use your beach house.

I didn't say people could puke on my carpet and make soup in my toilet.

It was a beach house party.

What'd you think was gonna happen?

Who put my dog in a wedding dress?

It was hilarious.

You know what?

This friendship is over.

Eat a rag.

You eat two rags.

You get all that?

Got it.

Really good stuff, guys.

Nice work, man.

Well played.

We'll give you more stuff later.

Cool.

Wow, they were great.

We can do better.

Whatcha got?

Okay, what if mister janitor got us in trouble for something and we got so peed-off about it that we uh... maybe take our anger out on his car?

We can't trash the janitor's car.

He got us those cute little chocolate mops for Valentine's day.

We don't trash his real car.

My dad's boss owns a junkyard.

We get him to drop off a piece a'junk car here, and we wreck that one.

And say it's the janitor's car.

Oh, wow, I wish I'd thought of that.

Oh right, I did.

Wait, that janitor didn't give me a chocolate mop for Valentine's day.

He didn't?

Ha-ha.

What did you want!

No, I'm not Andy samberg.

What'd you call m I can't take this pressure.

Okay, they want food?

Let's give 'em food.

Eat that!

Yeah.

Eat that.

Eat that.

Eat that!

Eat that. Take that.

How 'bout a burger?

How 'bout a burger?

I don't care.

I don't care.

Where's the junker car?

Uh... the guy says he dropped it off in the north corner of the parking lot.

There it is.

Sinjin!

Five iron.

Five iron.

Uh... gimme a pitching wedge.

Now, go tell the producer guys to come to the parking lot because there is good stuff about to go down.

And quit sniffing me.

Eat that.

Eat that.

Flying saucer coming your way.

Flying burger.

Eat it, eat it, eat it.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, festuuuuusss!

Festus!

You're here.

Oh, we're so glad to see you.

We're sorry we injured you.

You're a nice man.

Camera crew is here.

Let's fake some reality tv.

Action.

This is what happens when a school janitor gets us in trouble.

Janitor's car... Feel the wrath.

Yeah!

Hey!

What are doing to my car?

Your car?

What is goin' on here?

Um, we were wrecking this junker car for the show... "The wood."

Keep goin'.

No.

Shut up, buddy.

This is festus' car.

You said some guy dropped off this junker car for us to whack.

Yeah, he must have meant that one.

Aw, man, we abused the wrong car.

All right.

Tv people, out.

But we've got a show to make.

Then go make it at another school.

You all are done here.

You can't kick us out, man.

What?

Oh... what?

What, what, what?

What?

There's other schools.

Let's go to one.

Go call a tow truck for festus' car.

Now, how am I gonna get home?

Oh, don't worry, festus.

I'll getcha a ride home.

This is so slow.

Oh, come on, festus, it's not that bad.

My car has a radio.

So, what do you want us to do about it?

Sing me a song.

Oh.

♪ Move your body right next to mine ♪
♪ feel the b*at and we're lost in time... ♪

in Spanish.

♪ Pon tu cuerpo cerrca del mio ♪
♪ en el tiempo perdamonos ♪
♪ yo soy tuya y tu eres mio ♪
♪ por siempre baby ♪
♪ todo lo que queremos hacer ♪
♪ nunca te dejare ir ♪
♪ eres para mi y soy para ti ♪
♪ por siempre baby ♪