01x01 - Episode 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Humans". Aired: June 2015 to July 2018.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


"Humans" is set in suburban London and the story takes place in a parallel present where the latest must-have gadget for any busy family is a Synth: a highly-developed robotic servant that's so similar to a real human it's transforming the way we live. Based on the award-winning Swedish sci-fi drama "Real Humans".
Post Reply

01x01 - Episode 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Could you use some extra help around the house?

Introducing the world's first family android.

This mechanical maid is capable of serving more than just breakfast in bed.

What could you accomplish if you had someone, something like this?

These machines will bring us closer together.

If we could do it in the office on Monday, we wouldn't be talking now!

Yeah, I know, it's... It's the weekend here too.

(Phone rings)

Can one of you get that?!

Sorry, Chris.

Yeah, the supplier won't...

'You've reached the Hawkins. Please leave a message, 'we might remember to check it in about three months' time. Ow!'

Why isn't Mum back yet?

You know why, her case is running over.

Right.

Oh, yeah, and clear some of those away, will you?

Or they're going on the bonfire.

Soph, shoes on. We're going shopping.

Yay!

What about my lift to Josh's?

Take your bike.

That thing with wheels we got you for Christmas?

Shopping for what?

Just need your autograph there.

Joe.

This is the best thing you'll do for your family.

Plus, 30 days to return, no questions asked.

Go on, Dad!

What if she's not pretty?

Can we change her if she's not pretty?

Just follow the instructions on the tablet, and you'll have it configured in no time.

There she blows then. Your brand-new synthetic.

Unique styling, one of a kind.

Standard domestic profile installed.

That'll cover all your basic housework.

I'll leave you to cr*ck on.

Right then.

Dandelion three.

Waterfall two.

Hummingbird one.

Seashell.

Hello.

I'm now in set-up mode and ready for primary user bonding.

I'm the primary user. Joseph Hawkins... Joe.

A DNA sample will be taken for identification and security purposes.

This information will never be shared with any third-party organisation.

Hello, Joe. I'm now securely bonded to you as my primary user.

It's very nice to meet you.

That means she's ours. Yay!

OK.

Right, now what do we do?

Look, Soph, that's a really posh one.

I like our one.

Olivia Green has two at her house, but they're not as cool as you.

Joe!

Sorry. More bumf for you.

Would you like me to drive, Joe?

Yeah, go on then.

That's our car there.

Come on.

Hello.

She's ours!

Hello, Toby. I'm now securely bonded to you as a secondary user.

It's very nice to meet you.

What's its core processor speed?

How should I know?

Don't go unscrewing her, she's expensive.

Hello, you must be Matilda.

Pretty, isn't she, Mats?!

If you say so, Teeny.

Mum OK with this?

It's a surprise.

A surprise!

It's almost dinner time.

What would you all like?

Ha-ha!

(b*llet ricochets)

(He giggles)

(Engine hums)


My mum's back.

Hello?

Mummy!

Oh, come here!

Hi, Mum. How was Leeds?

Boring!

Missed you guys.

Missed you too.

New jeans? They're nice.

Well, two out of three pleased to see me. I'll take that.

Hello. You must be Laura.

Yeah. A word?

So, what happened...?

I don't want one around the kids! We've had this conversation!

Maybe, ages ago, but have you seen the place?!

That's after having it for less than a day!

I don't care. It's not right.

It will mess with their heads.

And we don't need one!

You're taking it back.

I'm not.

I'm not taking it back, I needed some help, so I got some.

Why didn't you tell me about it?

You weren't here!

So, message me, yeah?

Yeah.

Five days, Laura! You were only supposed to be away for two.

I've been looking after them, and working, like I always do, which is fine, but you don't get to waltz back in the door and tell me what this family needs!

The case over-ran. I had no choice, I had to stay.

Call the office if you want.

What I want is to try this.

This is called the life cycle.

So first, they're in an egg that's round.

Then they turn into larvae, which is a baby.

Then they turn into a beautiful red ladybird.

So, have you given it a name?

We were waiting for you, Mum.

I think we should call her Anita.

Like your friend who moved?

Darling, you know that's just a machine. It doesn't have feelings.

It can't replace Anita.

I know. It's just a nice name.

Everyone happy with Anita?

It's fine by me.

Your name is going to be Anita. Confirm.

Confirmed.

Thank you, Joe.

So, um, what's your name?

My name is Anita Hawkins.

We've got a month to take it back. We can talk about it then.

How the hell can we afford it?

Special offer.

Over five years, less than we pay for the car.

We need to get off the road.

Charge levels?

22.

31.

70%.

11.

It's getting dark.

Find somewhere that we can't be seen from the road and set up camp.

Charge with what fuel we've got left, and Max and me will look for some more.

(Cracking noise)

(Put that away.)

(If it's him, we run.)

(Cracking noise continues)

(Barking)


A fox.

Leo.

No!

Stop!

Wait!

Stop!

No!

(She gasps)

Would you like me to unpack your case for you, Laura?

Er... No, no.

Thank you.

Salim Sadik?

Hey, I'm looking for this synth.

Oh, when did you bring it in?

I didn't. She was stolen... about five weeks ago.

I know you use this place as a front to move boosted units.

You threatening me?

Why, do you feel threatened?

I have never seen her. We don't do that no more.

Who does? Give me a name!

Silas...

Silas Capek, OK?

Perhaps she's been damaged!

Or reprogrammed... or destroyed.

Don't say that, don't even think that.

She's been taken by junkers, sold on somewhere, just like Fred and Lishka.

Then why's she the only one that hasn't been in contact?

Come on.

Coffee?

Mmm...

Look at all this.

Oh, wow! Is it a party?!

No, Soph. This is what breakfast is supposed to be like.

Dad, the jam's in a... a thing!!

Yeah. What do you reckon, Mats?

What?

Harun's parents' one does this three meals a day.

Anita, brown sugar. I hate white.

Anita, stop.

She's not a sl*ve.

That's exactly what she is.

Having Anita doesn't mean you three get to sit on your bums all day.

For God's sake, that's already clean! Just sit down.

The dishwasher's worked nonstop for years.

Why don't we throw it a party?

Shut up, Mats.

Oh, because we can't guess why you like her so much, Crusty Sheets.

Oh, enough, Mattie!

If we'd known you were going to be joining us for breakfast, Anita, I'd have got some micro-chips.

I apologise, Anita. That was my husband trying to be funny.

(Anita laughs)

Finally, someone to laugh at my jokes.

Besides you, you mean.

(Joe and sophie laugh)

(Anita continues to laugh)


Anita. You can stop now.

Can you not read?

Yes, I can read, Dr Millican.

I'm Lindsey Kiwanuka, your case worker.

You've failed to keep any of your appointments with us.

Nanny State Gestapo.

Give me a minute.

Big place to have all to yourself.

I see you have no family nearby.

"I live in that solitude that is painful in youth, "but delicious in the years of maturity."

Einstein.

Is your synth in? Wow. You have an original D-series.

No. He's out grocery shopping.

That's unfortunate. But I have good news.

You qualify for an upgrade.

One of these bad boys.

Can do ten times what a D-series can do.

She can fine-tune your medication, develop exercise plans to lower your risk, take your blood pressure with a finger.

Not now, Vera.

Does she check the prostate too?

Look, I'm happy with the one I've got.

And my health is just fine.

It says here you suffer memory loss and tremors in the extremities.

George - the law requires me to give your companion the once-over.

I will be back soon, and if your D-series fails the check, you get one of these whether you like it or not.

The health service hasn't ordered half a million of them for fun.

We'll show ourselves out. Vera?

George!

You found me! Congratulations. Is it my turn now?

Game's over, Odi. You won.

Then would you like some toast and jam, George?

Your favourite is apricot.

This is the jacket Mary wore to the wedding of your nephew James.

A baby regurgitated on it.

Here.

Duncan's little girl.

Polly?

Molly?

Holly Alice McIlroy.

Mary was not upset by the infant's actions.

No, she was nuts about little babies.

Come on, son. Don't want you shorting out on the toaster again.

How's Harun?

Not my boyfriend, if that's what you're getting at.

How long you back for?

Come on, Mats.

I just want to know when you're going away again.

Although it was different this time. Usually you call.

This time you didn't bother.

I tried to. I'm sorry.

I did text.

Oh, wow. You texted!

Good for you! Mother of the year!
Hello, Laura.

Don't check in on Sophie any more. That's my job - clear?

Of course, Laura.

You never remember.

I'm sorry about my case going over. There's nothing I could do about it.

Is that why you want to replace me with that thing?

No, look. It's not the working away. Really. I'm just... not always sure how much you want to come home.

What?

I know you need time alone. I get it.

After you lost your mum and dad so young.

These last two years... I don't know, Lor. I feel... avoided. I think Mats does too.

Jesus. Why haven't you... Things just get on top of me.

I know. That's why I want the synth.

To give us time.

I didn't buy Anita to replace you, I bought her to get you back.

But I haven't gone anywhere.

(Phone rings)

Are we on? Can you get out?

Yes, I will be at the rendezvous in an hour.

We're on our way. Be careful.

You too.

It is sweltering in here.

Yes. Can I help you, Sir?

Who's your primary user?

I am owned by Leithridge Farm Foods Limited.

Mmm. Previous owner?

I had no previous owners, sir.

Now, you see, I think you may have just told a porkie pie there.

Synthetic appliances cannot lie to humans unless the...

The normal ones can't. Your friends here. They can't lie, or think.

Or feel. But... you, Oh, you are different... aren't you... Fred?

This was found hidden behind your charging point.

Now why would a synth need a telephone?

You've been running.

Hiding. Pretending to be so much less than what you are.

I'm not alone, Fred. So please don't run, son.

Leo, would you like to hear a joke?

Not now! Something's wrong.

Maxie. We're leaving.

But Fred hasn't arrived yet.

He's not coming. Move!

Move!

Your favourite is apricot.

Your favourite is apricot.

Favourite is...

Your favourite is apricot.

Stupid thing! Whose is this?

Odi? ~ Can someone help me?

Apricot. ~ Stop it.

I can't turn it off.

Favourite is apricot.

Stand still!

No! No! Wait!

(Knock on door)

Don't come in, Dad. I'm masturbating.

Matilda, it's Anita.

I'm doing a dark wash.

What's your max processing speed?

The maximum speed I have recorded is 27.39 petaflops.

If someone overclocked, you might be able to hit 30.

Overclocking would risk irreparable damage to my processor cluster.

Hey, Anita.

Well, that was interesting.

My protocol set demands I take reasonable passive measures to avoid damage, unless those measures could endanger human beings or property more valuable than myself.

Kids still alive?

Moving their arms and legs.

Here.

Oh!

Yeah.

Let it hit you this time. Like ricochet or something. Blind me.

I don't deem that a significant risk, Matilda.

I don't give a sh*t what you deem.

I own you and I'm telling you I want it to hit you.

Why?

(Knock on door)

Anita, give us a minute.

Gone from an A to D in computers?

Got harder this term.

Oh, come on, that's bollocks! We all know what an amazing mind you have.

If you apply yourself...

Yeah.

I could be anything I want, right? What about a doctor?

That would take me seven years but, by then you'll be able to turn any old synth into a brain surgeon in seconds.

We just want you to do your best.

My best isn't worth anything.

I...

(Woman screams)

Anita.

Hello, Laura.

The washing is done.

Fine.

I'll be catching up on some e-mails if anyone needs me.

DI Karen Voss, Special Technologies Task Force.

That the owner of the device?

He comes in here all the time.

Take it easy on him.

(Beep)

(Beep)


Dr Millican, I am Detective Sergeant Drummond.

I deal with synthetic-related matters.

It was an accident.

Yeah, but, as you can see, a woman's been injured.

I need to see your operating licence.

You've had this one for six years. That's a record.

Why haven't they upgraded you?

I don't want a crappy upgrade.

George...

Huh?

This machine needs to be recycled, mate.

It won't even power up. It's junk.

I can fix him. I mean, I can get him fixed.

Someone's been hurt, so we have to get it scrapped.

It's the law.

Please!

I need him.

I'll tell you what, take him yourself, but he has to go, George.

Today. Yeah?

(Beep)

(Beep)


Come on!

(Beep)

Hello, George.

How are you? You... You... You... You...

Multiple faults detected upon start-up.

What would you like to do? D... D... D... D...

Odi, we're going to look at some old photos.

It's you and me. You... Yo... Yo...

And Mary.

This is you and Mary.

I'm sorry, George. I can't...

Error reading file partition.

Data may be corrupted.

No. No.

Right after I took this picture, she got stung by a bee on her foot.

Memory exception.

Fatal error.

It's OK.

Good try.

Now, release your hip.

Simon, you know I'm tickly there.

And relax.

Oh, that's as far as it goes!

Hi, love.

Good day? Bad day?

Jill walked 122 steps today.

A personal best since the accident.

He thinks I'm able to start reducing the anti-inflammatories soon.

I'm going to have a soak, but he's made some chicken with mango coleslaw if you fancy.

Oh...

Simon!

The dragon said, "I'm sad because I want to be like you, Mouse -

"small and furry and warm. Then we could fly away together."

But the little mouse said, "Dragon, if you were like me..."

I'll take over now, Anita.

No! I want her to do it!

Reading to you is Mummy's job.

But she doesn't rush.

It's almost time for Daddy to give you your bath now.

No! I want her to finish!

Sophie, it's time to stop now.

Can I use your bubbles?

I don't want you touching Sophie.

I'm prohibited from initiating physical contact with a human without a clear, recorded request to do so.

My protocol set currently demands that any such requests from children under 12 must be referred to a parent or guardian before being met, unless I judge the child's safety or wellbeing to be at immediate risk.

You're just a stupid machine, aren't you?

Yes, Laura.

Where is Fred?

He's dead, isn't he?

Dave!

Go on.

Come here.

What have I always told you?

Never reveal my true nature in public. I know.

Doesn't matter what happens to me. If they knew what you were...

It would be the end?

Yes.

I know.

Yeah? For all of you.

We'll find Fred. We'll find Mia.

Now, be strong. Wait over there. I'll be right back.

Yeah, I'll have ten minutes with number seven.

Sign here.

Here.

Hey, big boy.

Naughty Thai massage.

Come here, lover boy.

Hello, sexy.

Come on, show me a...

So good to see you.

Let's go.

Didn't you bring me any clothes?

Niska, I'm sorry.

I can't get you out tonight.

Fred didn't make the rendezvous.

Something's wrong.

Have you had any contact from Mia?

No.

It's been five weeks, Leo. She is gone.

Now Fred's gone, too, so I'm not staying here for a second longer.

I can't make you, but it is safer here.

No-one knows what you really are, but, walk out of here tonight, that changes, because this place paid a lot of money for you.

They'll report it. That gets back to the people hunting us, and then you'd have to take your chances on the street with me.

Like Max?

Oh, he's not like you or Fred.

He can't take care of himself. He can't hide what he really is.

I will find a way to get you out and we'll make a new home somewhere.

There is no home for us.

There will be. I promise.

Did you turn off your pain like I told you?

No.

I was meant to feel.

Niska, what are you doing?

Niska, stop it.

Stop it. Niska!

I'm making it look like you just f*cked me.

Now leave.

You have to press the button.

It needs human body heat.

Just hold on a little longer.

He looks normal.

He's far from normal.

My hope is that he'll lead us to the others.

When do my people get to examine it?

That won't be possible.

Our companies have funded your operation for years.

Unlimited resources, total access, all because you claim there are a handful of synthetics who can think and feel.

Now you've finally found one, I think we've earned the right to study it.

Robert, these machines are conscious.

How do you know they don't simulate it?

How do I know YOU don't?

I knew David Elster.

A simulation would be of no interest.

His goal was to create machine life, as he called it.

Oh, so they're alive now?

No. A parody of it, which is why they are so dangerous.

Oh, come on.

They're just freaks.

Do you know what the singularity is?

A mathematician named John von Neumann coined the term in the 1950s to describe the inevitable point in the future when technology surpasses us, when it becomes able to improve and reproduce itself without our help.

It is the moment we become inferior to the machine.

Now, our world is on the verge of becoming dependent on synth labour.

These synths are physically no different to any others, and yet Elster gave them consciousness.

If it can be done for the few, it can be done for the more.

And then what?

Do you think they would still want to be slaves?

These freaks are the singularity!

I can't let you be recycled.

Is it a game?

There's things that you know.

She cried and laughed.

She cried when I pulled the bee sting out.

But then... then... then... then...

At the doctors, she laughed.

You laughed too, George.

And Mary said I could... could... could... could... could... could... could laugh.

Would you like some toast and jam, George?

Your favourite is... is... is... is... apricot.

(George laughs)

(Metallic clang)

(Gentle piano music plays)


What would you say if I asked what you thought of this music?

I'd say it's very well played.

What do you base that on?

I compare the pitch, tonality and rhythm of the performance to the sheet music that I access via...

No. Do you think anything of it?

I'm sorry, Laura. I'm afraid I don't understand the question.

Making lasagne and talking philosophy with a bloody tin can.

Right. Those veg should be done.

Mummy! I want to give Anita a goodnight kiss!

Ah!

I'm sorry, Laura. I'm fully qualified in first aid -

I prioritised the risk to Sophie's safety.

Sophie, you silly girl, you know you're supposed to be careful around the oven. Bed - now!

Have these machines devalued human existence?

The best reason for making machines more like people is to make people less like machines.

The woman in China who works 11 hours a day stitching footballs, the boy in Bangladesh inhaling poison as he breaks up a ship for scrap, the miner in Bolivia risking death every time he goes to work.

They can all be part of the past.

Synthetic devices free people.

We've treated people like machines for too long.

It's time to liberate their minds, their bodies to think, to feel... To be more human.

But a lot of people would argue that work is a human right.

If anything, the hard work gives you a sense of self worth.

I think you should spend one week working in a microchip facility.

So, we're all going to be poets or something?

What a load of crap.

Oi, slag-chops, I'm watching that!

Watch it in your room, knob-cock.

All right, both of you, to your rooms.

Seriously?

Now!

I am not 12.

Why do you always have to do this?

Do what?

You just ruin everything.

(Scraping)

(I think the back door just opened. If Mattie's smoking again...)

You'll have a screaming row, then she'll smoke somewhere else for a bit.

Fingers crossed it's only burglars.

Anita! You need to stay inside after we go to bed.

Is that clear?

Of course, Laura. I'm sorry.

The moon is beautiful tonight, don't you think?

They're not supposed to ask questions like that.

They're not supposed to have accidents, either. Are they?

We're not taking it back.

(He sighs)

Should we be afraid of our Synthetics?

Hundreds of millions operational across the world and not one verified instance of a Synth knowingly injuring a human.

Their sole purpose is to make our lives better.

They aren't sentient, they don't have any thought, emotion or awareness.

The Asimov blocks in their programming mean that they simply aren't able to do us any harm.

What if you can't find her?

We'll find her, Maxie.

Because I love her.

And she loves me.

Interviewer: But do you believe that one day we will have a truly artificially intelligent Synth?

One that thinks and feels like a human?

How can we replicate something we hardly understand in ourselves? How would we even know if we succeeded?

But you admit it's something you're working towards?

Think of the problems to solve before we get there.

What is human emotion? For example, what is love?

Is it something we are born with or can it be learnt?

Panties down. Not off.

What about the darker feelings? Fear? Anger? v*olence?

Human consciousness is not complete without them.

And memory - ours are subjective, fallible...

But how do you teach a computer to forget?

Or to dream? It's something our minds need to do.

Would a conscious Synth have to be able to dream? To have nightmares?

Of course not, they're just machines.
Post Reply