01x03 - Baghdad My A**

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

(metal thwacks)

Ah, come on. Come on.

(sighs)

That paranoid fool.

He was always frightened of horses.

Never even learned to ride.

Can you imagine the level of narcissism it takes to fake a photograph like that?

He was constantly grabbing what wasn't his.

Always jumping the line.

Did you guys used to date the same girl or something?

It pains me to say he... is my half brother.

We do not speak.

(screaming)

These new Japanese clubs are sh*t!

Bring me my old Titleist clubs!

Understand this, Alex Talbot, You have no value to me, except for your relationship with Walter Larson.

In that case, I'm your guy.

Walter once said that he and I were, and I quote,

"Cut from the same..."

Spare me the bullshit.

I had to suffer through enough of it during your interrogation.

That was no fun for anyone. I still got a little... water stuck in my ear.

Right now, I'm the only one who knows you sent that fax.

Good, 'cause I'm certainly not gonna tell anybody.

But if you do not get a message to Walter Larson for me, You and the family that helped you send it will all be... ex*cuted... (chuckles) for espionage.

Alex Talbot, at your service.

I need you to tell Walter that in order to get what he wants, I must first get what I want.

(sighs)

Yeah, I heard in m*llitary prison pilots are tops. You think that's true?

If you're trying to make me feel better that's a weird way to do it.

I could really use one of your Xanax right now.

f*ck!

(whispering) My pills.

I gotta get back to my rack and flush my stash before the MPs do.

Those pills could get traced back to Ashley and the kids.

I got news for you, man; they ain't letting us out of here anytime soon.

Commander Tilson, you have a visitor.

Tilson: Gail...

Zeke, we need to talk.

Jesus, man. He knows. You're pregnant.

Woman: Okay, got it. And that's confirmed? All right, thank you.

Indian forces just att*cked a Pakistani border post along the Kashmir Line of Control in retaliation for the drone strike.

Great. Plus, not wanting to miss out on any of the fun, China's now mobilizing troops along its part of the border.

What's the weather like in New Delhi? Let me guess, 100 f*cking degrees?

118.

Good lord.

Larson: And why can't anyone go to w*r in the Caribbean for f*ck's sake?

Jesus Christ, no wonder they're so g*dd*mn cranky.

Get the Indian Foreign Minister on the phone, and make damn sure the air conditioning is working at the Taj Palace Hotel.

Okay. Pack deodorant.

Peterson: Kendra Peterson.

(grunts)

(sexual moaning)

Whoa.

Oh, Mr. Secretary!

Oh, sh*t.

Don't mind me, I'm just gonna grab a few things and I'll be gone.

Shuttle diplomacy requires clean clothes.

Holy mother of Jesus.

Looks like I owe you a free drink next time you come by Bobby Van's.

Billy, leave.

Right.

See you, Billy.

Mr. Secretary.

I didn't expect you home. Obviously.

Nuclear crisis.

Walter, you and I need to discuss something.

What? Billy? You know I'm fine with that.

No, not Billy. We need to discuss my nomination.

I need to know. Have you heard anything...

I don't have time.

Did you hear something? I gotta keep India from going to w*r with Pakistan.

Have you seen my travel adapter?

The, uh... you know, the three-pronged one?

Not the two, like Europe, but the three, like the UK.

But the things are a little slanted.

No? Okay.

Wow, that was like p*rn-star sized.

I'm being ordered to shore duty.

San Diego.

I'm gonna have this baby on my own.

On your own?

It's my flesh and blood.

A part of me is inside of you.

Quit while you're ahead. You heard her, you're off the hook.

Shut the f*ck up. Got it.

You're not exactly father material at the moment.

You're a drug dealer.

Plus, it sounds like you're going to prison for a long time.

Zeke's gonna be a top.

Jammer's just gonna be one big open p*ssy.

Can you just... Stand up there?

Face the wall.

If we never see each other again, there's just one thing I need you to do for me.

The MPs won't let me up to my stateroom.

So I need you to go up there and find all my pills and flush 'em down the toilet before they get to 'em.

Father of the year.

Guard.

(locks clicking)

Guard: Ma'am.

Glenn: Can I turn around now?

(door closes)

No.

(knocking)

(door opens)

Woman: Oh, you again.

Rafiq: You're alive. How did you get away?

By involuntarily volunteering to help Haroon Raja.

Haroon Raja? The head of the ISI?

The man who is responsible for making people disappear? That Haroon Raja?

Yep, that's the one.

And you have, once again, put my family squarely in his sights by coming back to my house.

Look, the fact is I don't know anyone else.

Rafiq, I gotta get a message to Walter Larson.

I'm gonna need you to get me back to the embassy.

I am through risking my life for you.

Cool. I get it.

Zaman's gonna blow up the world unless I get this message to Walter, but just do what's in your heart.

Fine, I will take you to the embassy, but that's it.

Thank you.

Now, we really gotta hit the road, and I'm gonna need some clean clothes that don't scream, "CIA spy," preferably something very traditional.

I may have something for you, if you promise never to come back.

I promise.

Come on. Sit down and have something.

Sorry, no time.

Come on, please.

Eh, maybe just something for the road.

I'm starving, actually. Could you pass that green stuff, please?

Sure.

Mmm.

What's that smell?

Mm, urine.

Whoa.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I didn't mean for you to see that.

Well, it was pretty hard to miss.

Still, it was really embarrassing.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Neither does Billy. Boy, he could start a cult with that thing.

He could.

I mean, that's pretty big.

I mean, that's gotta hurt.

Well, it doesn't exactly hurt...

Anyway, this has nothing to do with Billy.

I just heard that my nomination is dead in the water.

It's not dead in the water. It's an uphill climb.

An uphill climb, but we're gonna push it through.

I'm taking the Pentagon General Counsel job.

No, you're not. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not gonna let you work for Pierce.

It's not your decision to make.

You're gonna wind up writing legal briefs condoning t*rture for that prick.

Or I'm gonna be able to make a difference from the inside.

The inside changes you, you don't change the inside.

Well, your outside approach isn't working.

You realize the only reason Pierce is offering you that job is to f*ck with me.

Mr. Secretary?

I'm sorry to interrupt. Indian Foreign Minister, he's warning you not to come.

Okay. You are such a f*cking narcissistic assh*le!

(man shouting on phone)

I'll wait in the car.

Wait.

That was my wife talking to me, Rakesh.

Jesus Christ. Did I insult him again?

Fix it!

I don't know, I'll find out.

f*ck me.

Joanne, I am... I really want to talk about this, but I don't have the time right now.

(door closes)

Okay.

I'm taking the Pentagon job. Safe travels.

(grunts)

(sighs)

f*ck.

This outfit belonged to my father.

Try not to get blood all over it.

That the fate of nations rests in your hands is incredibly alarming.

I do not have any more time for this. I'm late, and my students are waiting for me.

You teach? I have so much respect for teachers.

I'd love to talk with you about it.

No.

I believe I was speaking to your daughter.

I believe I speak for my daughter.

Oh, so we're gonna do this Old World. All right.

I'm game. Bring it.

I'm very much looking forward to you being gone when I return.

Bye, baby.

(whispers) She'll warm up to me.

Okay...

Shalom aleichem.

That's Hebrew.

Good luck to you both.

Uh, thank you for all that deep background, there.

Of course, Mr. Secretary.

Are you sure you're all right?

Absolutely. I'm fine.

It was just a muscle spasm.

Okay.

(chuckles)

(Kendra clears throat)

You might wanna take it easy on that stuff, sir.

You telling me I'm drinking too much?

No, the steward said he didn't have time to fully stock, and we're running low.

Right. Well, f*ck it.

It dulls the pain.

The President is on the line, sir.

Mr. President?

Walter, good luck in New Delhi.

The last thing we need is an India-Pakistan w*r on top of the Zaman situation.

Speaking of which, where are you with Raja?

Where am I with Raja?

Well, I'm feeling good about him. He's definitely our man.

If there's anyone that can take down Zaman, it's Raja.

Mr. President, are you alone?

Of course I am, but what exactly does Raja want from us?

What does Raja want?

Well, we're still working out the details.

I'm sure we can cobble together a package.

Well, assuming we do, what exactly is Raja's plan of action?

It's a delicate maneuver, sir.

A lot of facets to be worked out.

While I'm in the region, I will meet with Raja and work out the details.

Well, that's kind of vague, Walter.

When are you talking to him next?

Soon. Just keep Pierce on his choke collar.

Make sure he doesn't sh*t all over my plan.

Your plan is bullshit! You're nowhere, Larson!

Pierce is there with you?

He just walked in.

Mr. President, excuse me, I'd like to say something to Pierce.

f*ck you!

Well, f*ck you very much.

Walter, I gotta be honest. I thought we'd be a lot further along with Raja by now.

Mr. President, he had nothing to begin with.

Are you lying to my face?

Navarro: Walter? Walter?

(whimpers)

Navarro: Walter?

sh*t!

Mr. Secretary?

Oh, sh*t.

God. Medic!

♪

(chattering)

That kid won't stop staring at me.

I'm sure she's one of Raja's midget assassins.

(man speaking foreign language)

(shouts)

Okay, this is our stop.

Talbot: Oh, yeah.

(speaking foreign language)

Shukria. Shukria. Shukria.

Shakira. Shakira. Shakira.

Look, Shakira's a singer.

Okay, I was just saying what you said.

Rafiq?

Yeah?

When we get to the embassy, let me handle everything.

Come on, let's go.

Hey!

Embassy's this way.

Oh, right.

Hey, let me take the lead, please. It's this way.

Rafiq: Whoa! Where are you going? You don't even know.

Follow me.

sh*t.

You don't know where you're going.

Yes, I do. This way.

Okay. Beep beep. Stop.

Hey, I've never seen you like this. You're so driven right now.

Well, let's just say Raja was very good at convincing me how important it is I deliver his message to Larson.

Yeah? What did he say?

Eh, I'm not at liberty to share.

That's next level sh*t. Sorry, bro.

Ah, he threatened to k*ll you.

Hey, it's strictly need to know. You know the drill.

Yeah, he threatened to k*ll you.

Well, not in so many words.

Eh, in those exact words.

Okay, yes, he threatened to k*ll me. Are you happy?

Did he tie your d*ck to a horse?

I can't say. Maybe yes, maybe no.

That's his specialty. He loves to do that.

Did he do the nipple thing?

I'm not talking about it. No!

♪

When we get in there, I'm gonna tell 'em it was my fault, man.

I gave you the wrong pill. It was my fault.

Now that you mention it, it kinda was.

Lieutenant Commander Zeke Tilson reporting, sir.

Sit down.

Let these proceedings begin.

Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

(muttering) Pardon me.

How you doing, Charlie?

Yeah, hi.

Mm-hmm. I just pray I still have Walter Larson's contact info around here somewhere.

Ah, I see you like to mock cultures wherever you go, huh?

Alex, going native on us?

Haven't seen you around here since the coup.

Not now, Rosetti.

This import license took forever.

This is the last time I'm doing your work for you.

Thank you, Diana. I appreciate you.

You are really beloved around here, huh?

This office is a seething cauldron of civil service jealousy and resentment.

Okay, look, I got you where you need to be. I'm gonna go now.

Wait! No, no, no. You gotta help me find this phone number.

No, no, you don't. I'm not even supposed to be here, okay?

Here's the thing. If we don't get Raja's demands to Walter Larson, he's not just gonna k*ll me. He's gonna k*ll you.

And your entire family.

(shouting) What?

Are you f*cking kidding me? You didn't think that was something I should know?

I didn't want you to be mad at me.

You're my only friend around here.

I am not your friend!

f*ck you!

Find the number!

You are my friend. Yes, you find the f*cking number.

What am I looking for?

A phone number, written on a thing.

Look for a phone number on something important.

What is important?

(laughs) This is it.

Great.

Now we just need to get to the ambassador's secure line.

Oh, that should be easy.

Follow me.

Sir, visibility was bad. It was real bad.

Sir, visibility was normal.

Everything was operational when we...

Came under thr*at.

Sir?

When all of a sudden you thought you were under legitimate thr*at.

Um, not exactly. (chuckles)

Sir, the truth is... Let the admiral finish, commander.

Yes, sir.

You fired your sidewinder under the normal rules of engagement.

Fully justified given the information you had at the time.

The m*ssile fell harmlessly into the sea.

Isn't that correct, commander?

But we did hit something, sir. A drone.

Commander Tilson, your sidewinder did not hit a drone.

Therefore, the US Navy is not responsible for starting a m*llitary engagement between two sovereign nations.

Um...

No, we did not, sir.

Matter of fact, as far as the Navy's concerned, there never was any drone.

f*ckin' A. There wasn't any drone.

These proceedings are concluded, and you both are hereby dismissed.

Get out of here!

What was that all...

Tilson, Taylor.

The results of both your urine tests came back.

Negative.

All right.

Zeke bag?

I expect that next shipment of Provigil to be on the house.

Oh, yes, sir.

Just the thought of doing my job without it puts this great country of ours at risk.

♪

(groaning) What the hell's going on down there?

Kidney stone.

Really? Is that all?

Thank God.

It feels like my cock is gonna split in half.

That's because it's infected. We need to operate as soon as possible.

I suggest we turn back to DC immediately.

We can't turn back. I gotta get to India to remind them they're supposed to be the g*dd*mn pacifists.

But, sir, your health is at risk.

What's the worst that could happen?

Besides death? Kidney failure, lose your ability to pass urine, erectile dysfunction.

Turn the f*ck back.

Please, Mr. Ambassador.

I am not going to put a mid-level staffer with zero clearance on my secure line with the Secretary of State during a crisis to relay a message that has not been verified as authentic.

Yes, well, when you phrase it that way, but I think, just this once, we should throw protocol to the wind.

Our intel says Raja's not to be trusted.

With all due respect to your intel, I need to get this information to the Secretary right away.

Considering your reputation, Talbot, I'm surprised at the effort you've gone through, here.

Though the outfit's a little bit over the top.

Sorry, no can do.

(phone ringing distantly)

Actually, Mr. Ambassador, you can do, and you must do.

No matter what the final outcome, this crisis is now in the Lord's hands.

"It shall come as destruction from the Almighty."

Isaiah, chapter three, verse 16.

Bye.

Bye.

Samantha!

We're f*cked.

I have an idea.

Ashley, it's me. Where are you?

Just played a wedding. About to go home and collapse.

What is it?

I'm leaving the Navy. I'm coming home.

Uh, what brought all this about?

One hell of a near miss.

Could have lost everything, but I didn't, and now, I'm gonna do what's right.

Ash, it's time for me to take responsibility for my actions.

Zeke, you're scaring me.

Listen, if you could send enough product for one last, humongous score, I could move it. I'll even jack up my prices this time, and then I could finally leave the Navy and be a good father to the kids.

Ashley: Zeke, I can't.

No, here's what you can't do: raise two kids all by yourself, while working all day at the pharmacy, then spending all night trying to make a few extra bucks singing "The Time of my Life" to a bunch of drunk bridesmaids?

Actually, Zeke, I can do that.

That is a good song.

I'm doing it right now, on my own, without much help from you.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles?

That's your dream, baby. Let's make it happen.

I'll be there to watch the kids, while you work on your singing career.

What do you say? Come on.

All we need is a little start-up cash.

I don't know, Zeke.

It's a chance for you to finally put some distance between you and that mother of yours.

It's not gonna be easy to put together a shipment that big.

But I think I can do it.

Yes!

This is the right thing.

I promise.

Okay.

Tilson: The right thing.

Zeke, I gotta go.

Tilson: Bye.

You sure you know what you're doing, man?

(sighs) Zeke Tilson's not gonna let life push him around anymore.

From now on, he's gonna take it by the balls and make it his bitch.

Man, I'm not trying to sound gay, but that was hot.

Samantha, right?

Oh, you remembered.

Rafiq, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Samantha, we need access to the ambassador's secure line.

I have a very important message I need to get to Secretary of State Walter Larson.

(stammers) I'd like to help, but you know I can't.

Uh... Okay, you know, we can both see that you're an incredibly open-minded person.

Yeah, I mean, it is so clear, right?

Oh, thank you.

But your boss, the ambassador, I don't know.

I mean, it certainly seems like he thinks we're headed for the end of days.

It's true.

He's completely losing it. This whole, destruction of Israel thing has him, like, really excited.

I just, I don't know what to do.

Well, you know, Samantha, there actually is something that you can do.

Hm?

Sorry. I just would lose my job.

You mean the job you have? Working for an unbalanced religious fanatic who's actually looking forward to the end of the world, because he's under the misconception that he's one of God's chosen and will ascend to heaven, while you and everyone you love is burnt to a radioactive crisp?

That job?

Oh, thank God. It's not just me.

No, trust us.

Both: It is not just you.

The Ambassador's having lunch at the top floor dining room. We have to hurry.

Both: Yes!

Okay, you have five minutes. Just please shut the door behind you when you leave.

And if you get caught, you're on your own.

And if the Rapture does come, you're definitely getting good-k*lled by Jesus and not bad-k*lled by Satan.

As long as I can keep my job.

So I just got a chance to live up to my promise.

What promise?

Being a father to our kid.

You would come to San Diego?

Sure.

Kids do need a father.

Damn right they do.

If it's a boy, I could teach him how to throw a spit ball.

If it's a girl... - Agatha.

Agatha. Agatha?

Agatha.

I could teach her how to palm a basketball.

'Cause she's probably gonna grow to be six feet tall.

Yeah. Get a little house by the beach.

If we do this... no more selling dr*gs.

Totally legit.

By the way, you didn't, by any chance, get around to flushing my pills, did you?

I did.

Good.

(phone vibrating)

Kendra Peterson.

Kendra, Alex Talbot here.

Who? How did you get this number?

Uh, it was given to me by a pair of blonde, Asian twins, and I have a list of demands from Haroon Raja.

Raja's using Alex Talbot as a go-between.

Who?

Uh, blonde, Asian twins.

Oh, that guy. I like that guy.

Larson: Talk to me, Talbot.

Raja's ready to move against Zaman.

Larson: What's the ask?

$200 million.

Talbot: That's a lot of money, isn't it?

No, we can print as much of that sh*t as we want.

What else?

I'm trying to remember. Hang on.

Raja wouldn't let me write anything down. Uh, a satellite.

You know, one of those, whatchamacallit satellites.

Communication intercept satellite. What else?

(Talbot stammering)

A nuclear submarine.

A nuclear ballistic m*ssile sub?

Yeah, that's it.

Larson: Christ, he's not making this easy.

Larson: Please tell me that's it.

Ah, Mr. Ambassador, may we use your phone?

What the hell are you doing?

Hang on! Wait, there's one more thing...

Ah, you shouldn't have done that.

You know, I was gonna fire you, but instead, I'm gonna ship you off to Baghdad.

Enjoy being stationed in a city so thoroughly drained of its charm, that people go there now just to blow themselves up.

(phone beeps)

Ambassador Kittredge.

Put Talbot back on, now, Kittredge!

Mr. Secretary, he does not have any clearance to...

Larson: Now!

Yes, sir.

I'm back. What's Raja's final demand?

A golf club membership at Augusta.

The guy's nuts about golf.

Is he insane? Augusta? Impossible.

I'll see what I can do.

When this is all over, Mr. Secretary, I'd like to be considered for a posting to the embassy in Paris.

Larson: Right now, Talbot, you gotta concentrate on not f*cking this up.

Stay by that phone, wait for my call.

I'm taking this to the President.

Gotcha.

Baghdad my ass.

♪

Patch me in to the White House.

I need to talk to the President.

Secretary Larson for the President.

Turn this plane back around to New Delhi.

We're heading to DC. You need a hospital.

They have hospitals in India.

You are in an incredible amount of pain.

I'm fine. That's because you're drunk.

You're damn right I am.

Mr. President, Raja's ready to move against Zaman.

We now have the necessary elements in place to depose that lunatic before he can start a nuclear w*r.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's great work, Walter.

(sighs) Yes.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

(both laughing)

♪