01x05 - Machete Charge

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kane is in the building, n*gga... ♪

(music playing)

♪ Now tell me how you love it, you know you at the top ♪
♪ When only heaven's right above it, we on ♪
♪ 'Cause we on ♪
♪ Who else is really trying to f*ck with Hollywood Cole? ♪
♪ I'm with Marley G, bro ♪
♪ Flying Hollygrove chicks to my Hollywood shows ♪
♪ And I wanna tell you something that you probably should know ♪
♪ This that "Slumdog Millionaire" Bollywood flow ♪
♪ And, uh ♪
♪ My real friends never hearing from me ♪
♪ Fake friends write the wrong answers on the mirror for me ♪
♪ That's why I pick and choose, I don't get sh*t confused ♪
♪ Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos ♪
♪ And these days all the girls is down to roll ♪
♪ I hit the strip club and all them b*tches find the pole ♪
♪ Plus, I been sippin', so this sh*t is movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ Just tell my girl to tell her friend that it's time to go. ♪

(laughter)

I tell you what.

Now, I played with a dude... Joe knows him...

Who invested in a water park in f*cking North Dakota.

(all laugh)

The bottom line is, whether you sign with us or not, never, ever invest in a water park, brother.

Well, lucky for me, I hate public pools.

People piss in them.

Yeah, I can personally vouch for that.

Hey, Spence, man, I gotta say, never thought I'd see you work in a place like this, man.

Ah, that makes two of us, man.

But the whole suit and tie thing kind of works for you, though.

Well, 'cause I make it look fly, right?

Yeah, he was born for this job.

Every time we talk about annuities, he gets a boner.

Watch. Annuities.

Don't do it.

Annuities.

That's dangerous.

Woman: Excuse me.

Vernon Littlefield's on the phone.

He says it's an emergency.

Not now. We're with a client.

No, it's cool. You can take it.

No, not all. You kidding me?

We have a sit-down with Victor Cruz.

"El Salsero" is in the house.

This man has a Super Bowl ring.

Vernon can wait.

Take a message, please.

How is Vernon?

Never better.

Look, Vic, the bottom line is you're in a position where so many people are gonna come at you with a brilliant f*cking idea on how to double your cash.

(cell phone buzzing)

Yeah, and we're the somebody that tells you - that it's bullshit.

(buzzing stops)

Because there is nothing more important to us than our clients.

(chuckles)

(cat meowing)

Hey, you hit Vern back yet?

No, we're moving forward.

Oh, come on. We've already got Ricky, Victor Cruz, Jared Odrick, Woodley, a lot of other guys who are flirting with us.

Why are you shaking your head?

That f*ckin' roster is tight.

Not good enough for the old man.

He's been asking for updates.

If he finds out we dumped Vernon, he's sure as hell gonna dump us.

Well, he didn't want me here anyway, right?

Oh, come on, Spence.

It's not just about you anymore, all right?

We're on Anderson's radar right now, and if we don't return in a big f*cking way, we're dead.

(cell phone buzzing)

(chuckles)

You're seriously not taking Vern's call?

No, not till he gives me my 300 back.

(buzzing continues)

Hey, Vern. What's up? It's Joe.

We were just talking. We should get some dinner sometime, you know.

Hang...

Oh, yeah? What problem?

Yeah, hold on. He wants to talk to you, man.

Yeah, tell him to talk to Reggie.

It sounds urgent. He's insisting.

I've never heard him this pissed off.

Come on.

I told you we were done.

What? What, what, what, what, what?

What? What? What?

(cell phone chimes)

(music playing)

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Think it's a game? ♪
♪ Whoa... ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Rich Homie, babe... ♪

(moaning loudly)

♪ Walked in, 30,000 in my pocket ♪
♪ Had them n*gg*s just like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh" ♪
♪ $50,000 on your bitch, wanna f*ck me ♪
♪ Got her screamin' like, "Ooh, ooh, ooh"... ♪

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you do me like this, you can quit your job at the Chevy dealership.

Shh.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

(moaning)

(grunts)

I mean, it's one thing to f*ck with a man's Js, but this sh*t...

All this can't be over a jersey number.

What did you do, Ricky?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew. It's mind-boggling.

You been into some strange?

That...

Tell me.

Ain't no strange. It's about the number, all right?

If you're lying...

I'm not lying.

Any more bullshit and I'm gone, Ricky.

Might have to call your Uncle Frank and get him involved.

No. Hey, Uncle Frank is crazy, okay?

He takes things too far.

Do not get the family involved.

Well, I got to do something, Bella.

I mean, this is bullshit.

Look, be an adult, okay?

Just take him somewhere you can talk to him, okay?

Deal with things head-on. - (scoffs)

Yeah, sure. Maybe we can go grab some fro-yo.

I bet his little bitch-ass likes sprinkles.

Look, he's just young and reckless like you were.

Okay? Try building a rapport.

Do you even know where Alonzo's from?

That I do, actually.

Good. Build on that.

Bring him someplace you can find some common ground.

Hey, Brett.

Yo.

How much for the Lambo?

For Ricky Jerret or anybody else?

(laughs)

Come on.

(imitates engine revving)

The bitch wants paper.

Who is she?

She won't give us her name.

But she says she got pictures of me smoking weed with naked hookers.

- Were you?

I don't think they were pros.

I mean, nobody asked for cash.

That's about to change.

Jason: Vernon, buddy, what were you thinking?

Man, these girls was bangin'.

And the weed was smelling so f*cking good, I...

It was a party.

It was your f*cking party, Spencer.

Joe: Uh, uh, no, no.

That was a corporate event.

Vernon, you're in the program now.

You got priors.

We've talked about you becoming one of the greatest defensive players of all time like Ray Lewis.

You want that to happen, you can't keep doing this sh*t.

I just use the weed for pain management.

You're not even injured.

I got emotional pain.

Jason: Look, if Dallas sees photos of you on the Internet smoking weed with hookers, they're gonna k*ll your deal, all right?

Joe: We're not trying to jump down your throat here, but it's like there's a lot of money at stake, you know?

You gotta start thinking about this.

The position you're in now, you become a target.

And this is what happens when you are f*ckin' awesome at your job.

All right. How much does she want?

She didn't say. Told us to call her lawyer.

Maximo Gomez. Man, this is straight-up blackmail.

Joe: No, not necessarily.

They were both guests at the party, so there's no expectation of privacy.

She hasn't named a number yet.

Vernon can't stop her from publishing the photos.

And did you just pull this out of your ass or what?

I might have studied law at FIU.

Spencer: Joey Krutel has his law degree.

Top third in my class.

Listen, man, so, yo, what are we gonna do?

You got all the answers, Reggie.

Why don't you tell us what we're gonna do?

The f*ck I look like? Wikipedia?

Listen, man, it's time to put the personal sh*t aside and rally around Vernon.

It's time to be one. The dream team, baby.

Dream team.

Dream team.

(cell phone buzzes)

Hello. Mr. Gomez?

Why you trying to f*ck with me, man? - No, uh... mm-mm.

(sighs)

- Maximo Gomez?

Yes, it is.

Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

Spencer Strasmore. What the f*ck do you want?

(laughs) You're Vernon's attorney?

His financial manager.

Glad to see he tapped the right man for the job.

My client has plans to sell some photographs of your client.

She'd like to offer Vernon right of first refusal.

Well, I gotta see what I'm buying first.

(cell phone chimes)

- What do you want?

Why don't you come in? We'll discuss pricing.

I'll have my secretary text you the address.

Yeah, this one. She was sweet.

Man, Spence, this ain't right.

I ain't paying her sh*t.

We ain't paying her sh*t. Just what he said.

Nothing.

Let me tell you how this is gonna go down from now on.

Anything that has to do with contracts, Jason's gonna handle.

Anything that has to do with finances, Joe's gonna handle.

And everything else in between like this, I'm gonna handle.

Okay, so then, uh, what can I do?

What can you do? I'll tell you what you can do, Reggie.

You see that beautiful girl right there?

Yeah.

Get her number for me.

♪ I give you tender fun ♪
♪ A natural high ♪
♪ Here, I'm talkin, what? ♪

'Zo. What up?

Glad you could make it, man.

Yeah, man. You had me at "titty bar."

Yeah, I'm sure.

This is my little brother Julius.

All right.

This is my big brother Dwayne.

This is my half-brother Derrick.

That's my cousin Troy.

You the guy that tapped my Auntie Kara?

Cool, you, uh, brought your entire family.

Yeah, man. You covering the back room, too, right?

Oh, wait, now. You f*cked up my baby.

You f*cked my moms.

Wait. Okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Yes. Yes, I did, okay?

Unknowingly, though. That's the God's honest truth.

Look, we just left your car there, man.

Someone must have come along and f*cked with it.

Who... who... who's "we"?

Me.

Some of the guys.

Look, they have a wonderful lunch buffet.

All right? All you can eat.

We can sit down, talk like men.

Nah. I ain't here for the pot roast.

Hey, babe.

He's buying.

'Zo.

(cell phone chimes)

(muttering)

Damn!

Come on in.

Try not to make a mess.

Okay. (chuckles)

All right, so we give the lawyer what?

20K, keep him quiet till we let Jason handle that Dallas deal.

Mm-hmm. And if he's got more pictures?

50 grand should cover everything.

But other than that, that's it.

No higher.

Okay.

(laughs) Another f*cked-up day at Anderson Financial.

Would you rather be back at the office crunching numbers or out here in the real world?

We're taking care of sh*t, we're putting out fires, we're paying people off.

Yeah, exactly.

None of what you just said was on the CPA exam.

Believe me, shakedowns like this are an occupational hazard.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Wow.

Sounds like someone got to you.

They did. At the U.

Oh, Jesus. Spencer Strasmore in college.

I just got the chills.

How'd it go down?

Me and a buddy were having some beers at The Rat.

A lot of beers.

And some hick just kept jaw-jacking me, getting in my face, talking sh*t, wouldn't leave it alone.

We went outside, we had a few more words.

I went home, slept it off.

The very next morning, he shows up at my doorstep.

Shiner and a missing tooth.

Get the f*ck out of here. He knocked his own tooth out?

No, I b*at the sh*t out of him outside of The Rat.

(both laugh)

Oh, okay.

All right. You see, you buried the lead there.

(music playing)

Ricky: Put that sh*t away.

Put it away. Put it away.

Charles: I love my wife's body, but right now all I can think about is this big ol' juicy booty.

Oh, not you, ma'am.

(sighs)

I tell you, man, this ass gonna be the death of me.

God is testing you.

That's why there's temptation in this world.

That's why He put Sammy and Kara in our midst.

I'm convinced, man.

Believe me, you don't wanna run in my world.

All right? You gotta be strong.

Strong in the eyes of the Lord.

So why did you give Sammy my number?

Seemed like the thing to do. I was drunk, you know.

And why bring me to a strip club?

You wouldn't be sitting there if you didn't want to.

Don't put that all on me.

He's right.

You feel me?

The other day, I drove by my own house.

I saw Julie unloading groceries in the driveway and I just kept going.

What, to Sammy's?

No, man. To a movie.

Oh.

The point is Julie's my wife.

We coming up on eight years strong, man, and I just blew right on past her.

Give me your phone. Give me the phone. Come on.

Give me the phone.

You wanna see the picture?

No, I don't wanna see the picture, man.

What's the... What's the code?

7171.

"Lose this number."

Send. Done.

All right?

Yeah, man, but what about the picture?

Delete it.

Man, it's just one little picture.

Is there really any difference between this and p*rn?

Huge difference.

You can actually f*ck the girl in the photo, man.

(scoffs) I'm keeping it.

(dog barking)

Mm.

I know, I was expecting more of a strip mall vibe.

You know?

Yeah, well, throw ivy on a cr*ck house, it doesn't make it legit.

Smoke enough cr*ck, anything feels legit.

(laughs) Hold... hold on.

Please, tell me you haven't smoked cr*ck.

Wha... oh, my...

You seriously think I might have...

Have I ever...

What you just said.

No. God.

Well, I mean, I didn't... I didn't know it was cr*ck, so...

Joe.

What?

How the f*ck do you not know it's cr*ck?

'Cause cr*ck looks like a lot of other stuff.

cr*ck looks like f*cking cr*ck.

- You've never seen cr*ck.

(cell phone ringing)

You don't want to tell me you smoked cr*ck?

It's Jason. It's Jason.

All right, yeah. Take it.

I'll be over here.

(ringing continues)

All right, please tell me something good, buddy.

Dallas hit pause on Vernon's deal.

Ah, sh*t.

They're saying cap issues, but I have a feeling they got team security looking into our new friend's Flickr account.

We gotta mop this up fast, buddy.

We're here at the attorney's now.

You know, this is why there's a place in the world for you.

All right? No one cares about these guys the way that you do, all right?

Get in there, get it done, let's move on, yeah?

All right, will do.

Jason, listen, I gotta tell you something.

- I miss the f*ck out of hitting people.

(chuckles)

Check that temper, Strasmore.

(music playing)

I guess your, uh... ahem, I guess your brothers really like the club.

Nice way to bond.

You love the number 18. I love the number 11.

Cool of you to spring for it, Rick.

Yeah, I mean, it's a bit more than I expected, but what the f*ck, right?

What the f*ck, man?

Look, I've gone above and beyond.

Hey, bro. I need another stack.

(laughs)

(Alonzo laughs)

Man: Oh!

(all cheering)

That's my little brother.

I love him.

Look, I'm... I'm willing to let this whole thing go, all right?

If you are.

Come on, baby.

Check out my new G-Wagen.

Seats vibrate.

(chuckling)

Hey, Julie. I stopped at the store like you asked.

Whoa-ho! - Got the all-natural dish soap.

Friendly to lakes and streams, like you like.

That's very important. Gotta save the environment.

Yeah.

Man.

(kisses)

Who loves you?

You know, I see why you don't like going back to the store.

Those lines are crazy. Whew.

Can't find a parking spot. (grunts)

It was store day for everybody.

(TV turns on)

(sighs)

Man, I can't believe FSU.

(object clatters)

Bet you wish you would have changed them batteries like I told you to.

Who is she?

Uh, that... that's my sponsorship child from Guatemala.

Zashia. She gonna go to college.

Why are you sending this trash to yourself, Charles?

(sighs)

Baby, this was somebody's idea of a joke.

I'm not laughing.

Why you going through my stuff in the first place?

I was sitting at that computer doing my work when you emailed it to yourself.

It just popped up.

Now I'm gonna ask you again... who is she?

It's just some girl from Spencer's party.

Some jackass gave her my number.

She kept texting me. I told her to leave me alone.

Clearly, 'cause I would hate to see the picture she sent you if you hadn't.

Julie, this isn't a big deal.

Some girl texted me and I kept the picture.

I ain't call her, I didn't go over there.

I'm not sexting her.

And, really, what's the difference between looking at this picture and looking at p*rn?

You can f*ck the girl in this picture, Charles.

I'm gonna stop asking that question.

What the...

What? What?

(sniffs)

You got glitter on your face and you smell like a strip club.

Ricky needed a favor, so...

(laughs)

Ricky's involved. Why am I not surprised?

I'm not about to sit around here and watch you unravel now that football is done.

Oh, Julie...

No, don't give me that look.

We both know it can happen. It is never pretty.

This is one picture. This is hardly unraveling.

One thread is all it takes, Charles.

Not about to be one of those women that sits at home, waiting on you, making excuses for all your bad behavior.

I'm not gonna be like Tina and Bella.

Baby, this ain't...

Get away from me.

Don't touch me.

Maybe it's best if I ain't here right now.

Really? Where you gonna go?

I got plenty of places.

Yeah, right.

You... you on your own. Now that's a joke.

Yeah, me, on my own.

Big Charles, Retirement Charles heading out into the world.

Watch out, Dunkin' Donuts.

That ain't cool, Julie.

I'm out of here.

I'm leaving.

Okay. Bye.

♪ You swear that you've grown ♪
♪ It's fine and I'm on it... ♪

sh*t.

♪ You won't call, not comin' home... ♪

(faint moaning)

(muffled music playing)

Alonzo: Mm, baby.

(police radio chatter)

(woman giggles) I can't.

Alonzo: Come on, baby.

(moaning)

Alonzo: sh*t.

Is there a problem, Officer?

You wanna step out of the car, lover boy?

f*ck, man. This is some bullshit.

(turns off radio)

This is what I needed today.

- I'm Alonzo Cooley.

Ricky: Excuse me.

Hey, back up.

Uh, oh. Okay, okay.

Ricky Jerret?

f*ckin' A! (laughs)

Ricky.

What, is there a team meeting going on in there?

Sorry to intrude, Officer.

Hey, hey, hey, you put that card away, man, huh?

Lifelong cheesehead here, pal.

It was a total pisser to lose you.

Thank you, sir. That's kind of you to say.

Yeah, even though you screwed me in fantasy last year.

You're like the f*cking king of getting tackled at the one-yard line.

Uh, that's my new teammate there.

Anything you can do?

Department's cracking down.

I won't tell a soul, Officer, all right?

You'd be doing me a huge favor.

Young'un's a little misguided.

All right, Ricky.

For you, I'll let it slide one last time, huh?

And I promise I'll get him a cab, Uber.

I'll get him home safely, I promise.

It's your lucky day, pal.

You got a real friend here.

Yo, Ricky, I think I'm having a heart att*ck, man.

You just skated away from a four-game suspension, at least.

Yo, thank you, Ricky. Thank you, man.

You a f*cking lifesaver, man.

We're teammates now, brothers-in-arms.

You'd do the same for me.

Yeah, man. I'm sorry about the car.

Listen, that was all me, man.

The other fellas had nothing to do with it.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

But we cool on the number.

sh*t, 18 all yours, baby. It look good on you.

Nah, nah, you don't have to do that.

But okay.

All right? Listen to me.

(laughs)

Look. Look, man.

You got to smarten up, all right?

Yeah.

Something like this can ruin your career, all right?

Take food off your plate.

You trying to eat, right?

Gotta eat, Rick.

Right.

Here on out, I'm walking a straight f*cking line, man.

Straight and narrow.

A straight f*cking line, Ricky.

Prove it, go ahead. Get out of here.

All right.

Not what I meant.

Dispatch on radio: Everything under control there?

Yeah, we're good. Thanks.

(chuckles)

Thanks, Uncle Frank.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Anything for you and Annabella, huh?

You taking care of our girl?

Absolutely. That's my queen.

Come on, new uniforms for the department softball team.

All right. For the team. For the team.

There you go.

King of getting tackled at the one-yard line, my ass. - (engine starts)

(laughs)

Right?

Check your fantasy league. - Uh-huh.

Maximo: I'm sorry, but I had no clue that I had the Spencer Strasmore on the phone.

If I don't get an autograph for my nephew...

Thank you.

I'll never hear the end of it.

It'll be a pleasure. No problem.

But first, we should take care of a little business.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So you said you had more pictures.

My client does.

Let's see 'em.

Looks like everybody had a really good time.

This woman, is she your client?

Ms. Angela Lee.

She's already got an arm's-length deal in place with an online publication.

But against my counsel, she's insisted that Vernon have a chance to max the bid.

How much?

Half a million dollars.

(both laugh)

Okay.

Half a million dollars for pics of a defensive tackle?

Get the f*ck out of here.

Okay.

Spencer: You're out of your f*cking mind.

All right, Max, we get it.

You're setting the ceiling way up here so we can settle somewhere down around there.

We're just not gonna play that game, okay?

So I'm gonna write you a check right now for 50 grand, all right?

(laughs)

And that should take care of those pics and any other ones she might have, all right?

The price is 500,000.

Hey, Vernon didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah. He was getting stoned, okay?

I mean, one way or another, we all do it.

But not everybody gets caught smoking an industrial-sized blunt surrounded by naked cokeheads at a party being hosted by Anderson Financial, Joe.

All the while, he's trying to renegotiate his multimillion-dollar deal with the Cowboys.

(chuckling)

So Maximo wants to play hardball.

Hey, the world's a cynical place, Spencer.

I mean, Ms. Lee could spin this any way she chooses to.

Clearly there was sex and dr*gs involved.

I mean, who knows? Maybe there was prostitutes and underage girls there, too.

Oh, I feel like I really need to take a f*cking shower.

How about you, Joe?

I feel gross.

Plus Anderson Financial would not be pleased knowing that this happened at a party that they hosted.

That... that was a corporate event.

I know you don't wanna jeopardize Vernon's job or your own by not taking me seriously.

Maximo means business, boys.

My namesake was a commander in the Cuban w*r of Independence.

His army lacked munitions, so he invented the machete charge.

His troops would att*ck the enemy with machetes, hacking up anybody foolish enough to challenge them, forcing the rest to retreat out of fear.

That's pretty much how I like to operate.

Well, you better start sharpening your machetes... 'cause I never f*cking retreat.

And that's how I like to operate.

Half a million dollars. Is she serious?

What kind of lying, thieving, money-grubbing bitch tries to shake down a sweetheart like Vernon?

I know her, Joe.

♪ Listen, man, did you think of us as something less ♪
♪ Than a cracking coolia, think of me when moon come shine ♪
♪ Show the world we're still around ♪
♪ Come and look at what we're lookin' like, two f*cking fools ♪
♪ Laugh with us now if you get this joke ♪
♪ We are here for you to look like good and decent folks ♪
♪ Two bastards, two dusty diamonds ♪
♪ Take it to a new level, why wait for heaven? ♪
♪ You're my brother, you're my friend ♪
♪ And I'm a-right, I'm a-right here till the end ♪
♪ You're my brother, you're my friend ♪
♪ And I'm a-right, I'm a-right here for you ♪
♪ The best people in the world ♪
♪ We are the best, we are the best people in the world ♪
♪ Simply the best ♪
♪ The best people in the world ♪
♪ We are the best, we are the best people in the world ♪
♪ Simply the best ♪
♪ The best people in the world ♪
♪ We are the best, we are the best people in the world ♪
♪ Simply the best. ♪