01x09 - Flings & Arrows

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Impastor...

The best thing about our church, Pastor Barlow.

Bbay, one more time!

Yeah!

What are you doing?

He plays for my team.

I'm not so sure about that.

You're very charming.

You available?

I am now.

Some mornings you wake up asking the big questions: Who am I? Why am I here?

What the hell did I do last night?

Oh, right.

Shishkaboobs...

North Judson's finest Lebanese-owned gentlemen's club.

Dora: Buddy?

A box came for you. Can we open it?

Sure.

Who's it from?

Russell: You. You shipped it from Florida.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God. This is fabulous.

I had no idea you had such flair.

I have always wanted to see the Yucatan Peninsula.

Can I borrow this?

Sure.

Dora, I'm gonna need that back.

You're not in any of these pictures.

Yeah, that's because I'm the one taking them.

Well, who is this guy?

'Cause he sure is in a lot of them.

Yeah.

Just a friend.

Must be a good friend, 'cause you lent him your gorgeous, gorgeous jacket.

But not as good a friend as you, 'cause I'm giving you the jacket.

Buddy, I am not given to dramatics, but this is literally the greatest gift anyone has ever given anyone... ever.

Well, you're welcome.

Now, uh, I'll just go upstairs and take a trip down memory lane.

Buddy: Whew.

Dodged a b*llet there.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

You can learn a lot about a dead man by going through his stuff.

One thing about Jonathan Barlow... dude sure was organized.

Passport in jacket.

sh*t. Russell.

Hey, Buddy, got a minute?

Uh, not really.

Heading back to Shishkaboobs?

What's that?

My friend's a bartender there.

Interesting place for a gay pastor to be... or any gay man.

Well, I just go there for the hummus.

Oh. Does it come with a side of lap dance?

I did get a lap dance, but only to get the lost soul's undivided attention so I can bring her back to Jesus.

So you're going to titty bars on behalf of the Lord?

Yes.

But we should probably keep that between us.

No need for everyone to know all the good I'm doing.

Buddy, if you're interested in women, you don't need to drive to North Judson.

Good to know.

[door opens]

It's all in the release.

What's going on here?

Oh.

Hi, Hilva.

Actually, I asked Alden if he would teach me archery.

'Cause, see, my niece is really into Katniss from The Hunger Games, and I'm trying to be the cool aunt.

I regret asking.

And you are amenable to this?

Well, I've always wanted to mentor someone in the fine art of archery.

And as you know, neither of our daughters was an enthusiastic student.

Mm.

Because you berated them.

Do you need anything before I go?

That coffee smells delicious.

It is.

Would you like to give it a try?

Yes.

Let the games begin.

All right. Remember, pull the arrow back slowly.

Mm-hmm.

Keep your eye on the target... until it's nice and tight.

And then... release!

Aah! Oh, my gosh. I did it!

Well, that's amazing. You're a... you're a natural.

[laughs] Or maybe I just have a really great teacher.

Hey, there's no maybe about it.

Buddy: If Russell saw Barlow's passport, it would be all over for me.

Do you know this guy?

Buddy?

Ah, hey, Russell.

To what do I owe this surprise?

Well, I just... I thought we could hang out.

The two of us don't spend enough time together.

I so agree.

You want to get a drink at the Junction or maybe a steam at the 18-Hour Fitness?

Oh, we don't need to go out.

I'd rather go in.

Uh, all right.

[mouths words]

All right... let me just set these down and make us some drinks.

White wine spritzer sound good?

Yeah.

And you know what? I'm kind of hungry.

Can you make me, uh... an omelet?

Sure. What do you want in it?

Everything.

Take your time.

All right.

Calm down. You're prepared for this.

[exhales sharply]

Oh, no, no, no.

[gagging]

Come on, where is it?

Russell: Buddy, let's talk mushrooms.

I've got cremini, porcini, portobello.

Oh, we're in here.

A toast... to what is happening maybe.

Yeah. Hey, that jacket I gave you... where is it?

Oh, fiddles. I gave it to Mrs. Lutz.

You gave it away?

No, never. Mrs. Lutz is my seamstress.

The arms were too short.

Oh.

I have very long limbs.

Ooh.

So... still want that omelet?

I'm sorry. I got to go.

How about a frittata?

Ashlee: So what are we doing here?

Well, I thought for our second, uh, date, if you will, it would be nice to do something I haven't done for a long, long time.

[Stayin' Alive playing]

Dance. Will you join me?

♪ ♪
♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk ♪
♪ I'm a woman's man no time to talk ♪
♪ Music loud and women warm ♪
♪ I've been kicked around since I was born ♪
♪ And now it's all right, it's okay ♪
♪ You may look the other way ♪
♪ We can try to understand ♪

[inhales deeply]

♪ The New York Times' effect on man ♪
♪ Whether you're a brother... ♪

Ooh, you got some moves.

You think so?

[giggles]

♪ Feel the city breaking and everybody shaking ♪
♪ And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

You electrify me.

♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

[cell phone vibrating]

You're buzzing.

I know.

It's because of you.

No. I mean your phone.

Oh! Oh, God.

_

It's nothing important.

♪ Well, now I get low, and I get high ♪
♪ And if I can't get either, I really try ♪
♪ Got the wings of Heaven on my shoes... ♪

Buddy: I had cased Mrs. Lutz's place and decided that the safest way to get Barlow's passport back...

Was to break in while the old bat was sleeping.

Lutz: Freeze, assh*le.

[g*n cocks]

Move, and you're dead.

Lutz: What do you want?

Did you come here to have your way with a poor, defenseless woman?

You sure?

Take your ski mask off... nice and slow.

Aah!

You'll be back!

Pervert!

[yawning]

Oh, why are we starting so early? [sniffs]

Time to take this to the next level... moving targets.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

What are we going to do... sh**t some skeet? [chuckles]

Pheasant.

Pheasant?

Yeah, early morning's the best time to bag them.

That's when they leave their nest to find food for their hatchlings.

Are you crazy?

I am not going to sh**t some little birdie's mommy.

Then what's your game... rabbit, deer?

I don't think you're ready for a bear yet.

No, I don't... I don't... I don't want to sh**t any living thing.

I just... I just wanted to impress my niece.

Wha... I thought you wanted to be a warrior like this, uh, Katnip.

Katniss.

And she only kills because she has to, not for sport.

Yeah, but she does k*ll, because when the time comes, the strong will sh**t, and the weak will perish.

Well, then you call me "weak," because I believe that true strength comes from loving God's creatures, not murdering them.

Get off my property.

[knock at door]

Come in.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah.

I was thinking about our conversation.

You were right.

About what?

I didn't just go to Shishkaboobs for the hummus... although they do make it fresh daily.

Are you saying you are interested in looking?

I'm interested in more than that.

[T. Rex's Bang a Gong (Get It On)]

♪ ♪
♪ Get it on ♪
♪ Bang a gong, get it on ♪
♪ ♪

[knock at door] Buddy?

sh*t! Hide!

Aah!

[whispering] Under the desk.

Dora: Buddy?

[knock at door] Buddy?

Buddy?

[knock at door]

Buddy?

Good. You are here.

Yeah, what's...

I must've dozed off. What's up?

You know Mrs. Lutz who lives down the street from me?

Someone broke into her house last night.

Really?

Yes, a masked man held her at gunpoint and told her to disrobe.

That's not true.

What do you mean?

I mean, I hope it's not. That's awful.

I know. She managed to scare him away, but she's pretty shaken up. And, frankly, so am I.

I mean, a sex maniac running loose in Ladner?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

First time I've seen you this morning.

Yes.

I have the budget proposal for you to sign.

Also, Alden's here for the emergency council meeting.

Ugh.

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

You left these at my house.

I thought you might need it in case you got att*cked by a stationary target.

No, no. You hang on to them.

Never know when you might have to snuff out a hummingbird.

All right.

All right.

Let's begin.

Shouldn't we wait for Russell?

How do I put this? No.

Okay. What's this meeting about, anyway?

The whole town is freaking out over this r*pist.

r*pist?

Okay, wait just a minute...

And as pastor, it is your job to keep the congregation calm.

You need to talk about this in your Sunday sermon.

What kind of depraved sicko goes after an old lady?

And what will he do to younger, more attractive women?

Or Dora... a single woman who refuses to defend herself.

All right, I think everyone's overreacting.

I really do.

Hardly.

The police say this guy is likely to keep attacking until he gets caught.

Oh, my gosh. And just think.

He was practically right next door to me.

Buddy, do you think I could stay here tonight?

Sure. Sure.

Buddy: I knew this was a waste of time.

I had to get back to that horny old liar's house and get Barlow's passport out of the jacket.

You know what?

I should go over to poor Mrs. Lutz's house, make sure she's all right.

Russell, you have the jacket.

You and I need to talk.

So what's on your mind?

[sighs]

I discovered something about you, Buddy.

Yeah?

You're not the man you said you were.

[sighs]

Okay, look, before you tell anyone...

You're someone who likes to takes things slowly, and I was too forward yesterday.

"Forward"?

Or maybe I wasn't forward enough. I don't know.

I thought I was seeing signs you were ready for "us," but you weren't, and I know that's somehow my fault.

I feel horrible.

Okay, you... stop b*ating up on my friend Russell.

Get over here.

[grunts]

Ooh! That tickles.

So you're ticklish, huh?

No. No.

Don't lie to me, you big tickle bunny.

Okay, please stop. I'm gonna pee.

All right, that's enough.

I got stuff to do.

Buddy, you are like the instruction manual to my Japanese rice cooker... so hard to read, but so worth it.

Alden: Hi, there, Hot Shoes.

I was just thinking about our lovely waltz in the park.

I was wondering if... if...

No, if I don't see that shipment of toner in my office by tomorrow, the deal is off.

Yeah, the idiot vendors.

I know what's going on.

What are you talking about?

Don't deny it.

You're spending time with her, ignoring my calls.

You've switched to a teeth-whitening toothpaste.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

Hilva...

Just admit it.

You're having an affair with Dora.

Dora?

Or should I say Whore-a?

Hilva, I can assure you, you are mistaken.

Yeah, right.

My toilet's clogged. Work your magic.

[playful music plays on computer]

Buddy: Maybe I was worried over nothing.

Maybe Barlow never put the damn passport in the jacket.

Then why did he put it on the list?

[sighs]

Oh, I know.

I hate that it ended too. You know what?

I think I'm gonna make us more popcorn before we start the sequel.

There's a sequel?

How can those pants keep traveling?

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey.

Hey.

You know those little post-its on the budget docs that said "sign here"? You were supposed to sign there.

They're due first thing tomorrow. Can you pop by real quick?

Yeah. See you in ten.

Buddy: I knew Dora wasn't really in danger.

And I couldn't take another magic-jeans movie.

Dora, I'm gonna hit the sack, so good night!

You're totally safe!

Don't wake me up!

And then, get this, he starts tickling me.

That's so weird... and hot.

But then he just leaves.

I mean, does Buddy like me?

Does Buddy not like me?

IDK.

I mean, we're so obviously right for each other.

Look.

Is that the floral print you've been gushing about?

Oh.

Excuse me.

Uh, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about Buddy.

Pastor Buddy.

We're basically almost a couple.

Yeah, that's the one everyone's been talking about.

I would love to meet him.

Do you know where I could find him?

Sure. He lives super close. I'll draw you a map.

Alexa: It's open.

[romantic R&B music playing]

Nice place.

Alexa: Thanks. Make yourself comfortable.

♪ ♪

Hi.

Wow.

That your special document-signing dress?

[chuckles]

Buddy?

Yeah?

From the moment we met...

I felt there was something special between us.

And when I saw the way you looked at me today...

So, if I could just borrow a pen...

I know we haven't known each other very long, but you've already been there for me in ways that no man in my life ever has.

And I find that incredibly sexy.

You do?

[floor creaks]

Dora, stop it.

[chuckles] It's just Buddy.

Just follow your feelings.

Buddy: What I was feeling was grateful that I had jerked off earlier so this would be easier to say.

Alexa... you're gorgeous.

And if I wasn't gay, I would rip that dress off your body and lick every...

But I'm gay... super gay.

And even though you're an amazing woman, I'm...

I'm just not attracted to you.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

I'll get you that pen.

By the way, I found your passport.

You did?

Yeah, it was in the book jacket.

Right... the book jacket.

[chuckles]

You didn't... happen to look inside, did you?

Do I look like someone who would?

[floor creaks]

[gasps]

[gasps]

Buddy: A sealed envelope? [scoffs]

Dora, thanks for hiring someone so a**l.

You really saved my ass.

[cell phone vibrating]

Russell on phone: Hey, it's Russell.

I met a lady who was looking for you.

I gave her your address. I hope that's okay.

[engine revving, tires squealing]

[sirens wailing]