01x07 - Raising Gazorpazorp

Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens for a broken defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum resonator.

Well, does it defraculate?

No.

Then it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick about fraculation.

Your planet just got cellphones and the coverage still sucks!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.

So lets say 60 smidgens.

I tell you what... I'll do you a favor.

I throw in a fart.

Hey, Rick...

You think maybe I could get something from this place?

Like a souvenir?

Like just to have, like something cool, you know?

Not here Morty. We'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there is always another pawn shop.

OK, I just...

You know, I thought that robot over there, looked pretty cool, you know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh?

That's why you want it?

Yeah, you know?

I mean... it's different from the stuff on earth.

And you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and you know, I don't really have anything to... to remember all those trips by.

It'd be kind of cool like a souvenir, you know?

Like what if you passed away or died or something?

I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know.

Okay, 60 for the resonator and my grandson wants the s*x robot.

So we're just going to pretend this isn't happening?

I'm not saying that's a bad idea. Just asking.

Rick, why did you let Morty bring that thing into our house?

What do you want from me?

He thought it looked cool, you know what I mean?

Alright, back to... back to... back upstairs.

Well, I'm intervening.

Intervening with puberty?

You'll turn him into Ralph Finnes in Red Dragon.

He is at that age, let's just be proud of him.

Jesus, did I really set the bar that low?

Rick, could you come with me please?

Quickly!

OK, now if we here squeaking we intervene.

Where is the s*x robot Morty?

That is Gwendoline.

I mean the robot.

She started beeping, and then transformed and tried to fly away.

Strange. That's usually the man's job.

You know what I'm talking about, Morty?

Morty.

That's my catchphrase, remember?

Remember how I cemented that catchphrase?

Alright, alright seriously though.

Let me grab this thing.

Come on.

Rascal.

Okay... unacceptable What is going on?

Alright...

What is that?

I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends.

Genetic compiler, incubation chamber.

Yeah, this here is some kind of baby maker.

And that there is half Morty and half... who knows... what.

It's my bad guys I'll take care of it.

Hey listen, you guys quarantine the house when Summer brought olives from Mexico.

This thing could grow to the size of Delaware.

It might eat brains and exhale space AIDS.

We gotta be careful.

I lost the chance to be careful, Rick.

I'm a father now, you know?

It's time for me to be responsible. Isn't that right...

Don't name it!

Morty Jr.?

Oh crap, he named it.

Well Dad, it's a living thing.

And it's half human.

And it was born on America's soil which entitles it...

Jerry, majoring in civics was your mistake.

Don't punish us for it.

Fine. I'm gonna take this thing into my workshop, and do a little bit of investigating.

Do not let that thing out of your sight.

It looks harmless now, but it could grow into something dangerous.

Like the Insane Clown Posse.

Yeah, good one, Jerry.

2003 just called and wants its easy target back.

He is a like little me.

You don't think he'll turn into a monster, do you?

They always do.

1995 called, they want... their "certain year called wanting its blank back" formula back.

Why, Jerry? Why expend the effort?

Life is effort, and I'll stop when I die.

Out.

What you doing?

Well, I can't solve... the problem my way thanks to... your family's primitive biological hang ups.

Gross. I might have just touched one of Morty's loads.

But maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr. on this robot homeworld, which is...

Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system.

Scoot Summer.

Don't you need a new companion... now that Morty is in the family way?

I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer.

Oh right, because there is something about having a wiener... that would make me better walking through a hole?

Oh crap.

Grandpa Rick!

Help! Help!

Grandpa Rick!

Still think it's a good idea to go through a hole without a wiener?

I wanna go home!

Yeah, no duh.

Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

You're doing great, Morty.

Really you think? I mean I'm not doing much of anything.

What do I do if it cries?

Then you put it down and let it cry itself out.

Yeah, right.

We tried that technique on Summer and she is gonna end up stripping.

Isn't she? Yes she is.

She is gonna strip her attention because she was denied it.

Stop filling it with your own insecurity.

You're gonna turn it into Mort... more... more... more of you.

Well, we can't all be raised like reptiles by a mentally-ill scientist.

What the...

Listen to me. I am not rewarding this behavior.

Knock it off both of you! Give me him!

Give me my baby!

You're both nuts. I'm gonna raise Morty Jr. myself.

Where is your hands? There's your hands.

And that's how we play happy hands.

Oh, you are going to ruin that kid, Morty.

At least we can agree on that.

Thanks, dumb dumb.

I said "thanks, dumb dumb". Go get more.

Summer, put your burqa on!

That burqa is a human rights violation, and I spent a lot on this top.

Look, I'm trying to repair portal gun with with bunch of s*x doll parts and I have to do it one-handed to keep these belushis from cutting you off.

The least you could do is be ashamed of your gender.

What's the deal with this place?

Why is it such a sausage planet and how did such backwards idiots invent robots?

Obviously at some point the Gazorpians became so evolved that they replaced females with birthing machines.

The resultant lack of distraction and handpecking allowed them to focus entirely on war, so they bombed themselves back to the stone age and now they just fight with each other over fake pussy with sticks and rocks all day long.

You think it's efficient to get rid of women?

You ever see a line for the men's room?

Are you hea... Do you lis... You hear me, summer?

The... plot... thickens.

You might wanna cover your eyes, Summer.

Yeah, like it was my dream to watch.

Summer, grab hold.

Grandpa Rick, where are we going?

Well obviously Summer, it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through s*x and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class.

Sound familiar?

Ticketmaster.

There we go, Summer. Hey brother.

Hey bro.

Nice racket you got going on here.

Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from earth dimension C-137.

Don't mean any harm. Coming in peace.

It's all cool in the... good in the neighborhood.

That was what I was trying... That's what I meant.

Oh, I get it.

The old "behind every great man amazon" twist.

Silence!

Your slave is ill-mannered.

My slave?

We assume... you are from a more primitive world, where men are still permitted to be servants.

If he is a rogue male, tell us now, and we will kill him.

He's my slave. He's my slave.

He is definitely my slave.

Oh boy, what's the opposite of...

Am I right ladies and gentlemen?

You guys kidding me.

Morty Jr., you're gonna be a special little guy, aren't you?

You're my special little guy.

DA What was that, Morty Jr.?

Were you gonna say Dada? Say Dada.

Death!

Dada.

Domination!

Dada?

Destruction, domination.

Nice.

The spider in sector C is still alive.

Plan your route accordingly and expect delays.

We're not telling you what to do. We're just sharing how we feel.

And now, weather. Is anyone else cold or is it just me?

I am Marsha, ruler of Gazorpazorp.

I am here if you need to talk.

What is this place?

Paradise. We built it during the great passive aggression, when females separated from the males due to their increasingly destructive behavior.

I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm here if you need to talk.

From here we dispense mechanical surrogates to maintain our population.

Fertilized surrogates are returned here to our nursery.

The females are placed into educational program where they can discover a service to our paradise that fulfills them most.

The males... they get to play outside.

That was just a baby.

And within a day he'll be an adult male Gazorpian, one of the most aggressively violent creatures in the universe.

Wait a minute. We're here because a male Gazorpian was born on our planet.

You speak when you're spoken to ding-a-ling.

It's true though. One of your babies was born on earth.

Are you the ruler of this earth?

How did you know?

The quality of your top.

Do you love it?

I love it.

I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm here if you need to talk.

If the Gazorpian is male your earth is in grave danger.

We will give you passage back home, so it can be terminated.

But first, mojitos!

We don't have time for mojitos!

You are insulting them.

I don't care Summer. This place is the worst!

I wanna go home!

Well, it really doesn't matter what you want because this is a sane place, where women rule.

You know what I have to say about that?

I can not believe... my ears.

Boy, who let the frogs out, huh?


Grandpa!

Grandpa?

That sounds patriarchal.

It means father of fathers.

Then this one is not your slave and your earth is yet another planet dominated by men.

It's not dominated by us, okay?

On earth men and women are equals.

Equals? We make 70% of your salary for the same job!

Seize them!

Was this really the time to make that point, Summer?

This is for you Daddy.

Oh man.

Okay. Listen to me Morty Jr.

I gotta tell you something very important, okay?

Killing is bad.

Bad.

You are silly, Daddy.

No, Morty Jr. I'm being serious, okay?

You need to put your energy into something else.

I mean what about dancing? Would you like to learn how to dance?

I like to dance... on the graves of my enemies.

No, Morty Jr.!

Daddy, can I go outside?

No, absolutely not!

But that's where all the people and the animals are.

Yeah, but you can't go out there because...

The air is poisonous, for you!

You will die if... You'll die instantly if you ever leave this house. Do you hear me?

For real?

For real times a million, buddy.

So let's just stay inside... let's try dancing. Right?

Look at me. We're gonna dance. Come on.

Join, dance with me here. We love to dance.

Why do we love to dance?

Because I said so!

Nice.

Nice.

So, what are you in for?

Because I got a big... you know... pen1s between my legs.

What are you in for?

The worst crime a female can commit.

Veronica Ann Bennett, I find you guilty of having bad bangs.

You ever noticed the ones with bad bangs always have three names?

You are hereby sentenced to... the silent treatment!

This is gonna be cake.

No! Jackie!

Rick and Summer of earth.

For the crimes of treason against woman kind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, you are hereby sentenced to...

What? A night on the couch?

Death.

I hate you so much right now.

This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness.

So we are forced to improvise.

We placed a large boulder on that ledge.

Holly sh1t! You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!

No! Stop interrupting!

The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch...

Knives.

What?!

Just give me a gun, I'll kill myself.

Stop interrupting!

The knives will...

Fine!

You were right the first time, okay?

The boulder crushes you.

I just didn't want to admit you were right.

Happy?!

Just ignore them.

Ignore them.

Such an asshole.

Look, I'm sorry, Summer.

I feel bad that I let you drag us into this.

I wish could have been a better grandpa to you.

And you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice cute top, that you're wearing there.

Top? My top!

My top!

The same top you complimented earlier.

Look! Look at the tag!

Read it!

It says...

Mark Jacobs.

Mark? Jacob?

These are names of the pen1s.

Yes.

An earth man made this top.

Maybe on your planet separation of the genders is the right thing to do, but on earth, a certain percentage of males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours.

It's true.

And sometimes the truth hurts. But it must be accepted.

Like if I told you that you're using a wrong color foundation for your skin, and it ends at your neck making you look like a party clown.

Okay. Ouch. Noted.

But the fact remains if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on earth you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute.

Very well. Give the earth people spacecraft so they may head back to their weird planet where women are kind of equal, but not really.

Good job, Summer, and thanks girls.

You girls are really... something, I tell you that.

You know, when we first got here I was like...

Give them a ship, now.

Morty Jr.! Smoking?!

That is not okay!

What are you gonna do, ground me?

I can't go outside anyway!

So what? You could do things inside.

You could play guitar, you could m*st*rb*t*...

I don't wanna m*st*rb*t*, I wanna conquer the planet!

Oh, here we go again!

Who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet Morty Jr.?

Love. That's all you care about.

What about weapons? What about domination of the enemy?

Alright, that's it, no more History Chanel!

This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

I hate video games!

You take that back!

Give it to me!

I didn't mean! I didn't mean that!

I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry!

I can't take this anymore!

I'd rather breath poison than living another minute with you!

No! No, no, no! Stop!

My life has been a lie!

God is dead! The government's lame!

Thanksgiving is about killing Indians!

Jesus wasn't born on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Oh, Dad!

Yes, Morty?

My son is gonna take over the planet, and I am too young to drive.

Can you help me get him back?

I suppose, Morty. I suppose.

But first a deep sip from a very tall glass of "I told you so".

Oh my god, please Dad, come on!

Dad, there he is!

Oh God. Hey stop that!

Oh my god, oh my god, Dad!

Morty Jr., no!

It's me. It's Dad.

It's okay.

Put the car down Morty Jr.

No!

Where's your hands? Where's your hands?

My car!

♪ And that's how we play handy hands. ♪

Out of the way, Morty!

No!

Morty, that's one of the most violently aggressive creature in the universe.

He's my son!

And if you hurt him, you have to kill me, Rick!

Dad, I'm so confused.

I know Morty Jr. I'm sorry.

I ended up lying to you and yelling at you just like my parents did to me.

You know parents are just kids having kids.

One minute you like how a shiny robot looks, the next minute you're in a fist fight with your alien son.

I'm an alien?

We all have bad impulses, bad thoughts.

We just have to learn to channel them into something constructive.

But I want to murder everyone I see.

Well you know, maybe there is a job out there for people that feel that way.

Actually, there is.

Hi, I'm Brad Anderson.

Creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip "Marmaduke".

You should consider being a creative.

I'm hunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assaults on a nearly daily basis.

But you know? I channeled it all into my work.

I never got that impression from reading Marmaduke.

Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Tell me that wasn't Brad Anderson.

See, you hear that, Morty Jr.?

Maybe you could try being a creative of some kind.

Maybe? I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel.

I mean what I really wanna do is slit people's throat, but, beyond that.

I know you can do it, son.

I think it's time I get a place of my own.

I promise I call you every day I need money or a place to do laundry.

So, I assume this novel your son writes is gonna pay for my rear Axel?

Isn't it interesting Summer, that after all that stuff we just did nothing really mattered, there was no point to it.

Kind of makes you wonder, huh?

About nothing Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventure?

No I'd say given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time, and any epiphanies about gender politics were projection of your feminine insecurity.

But hey, why don't you have pink spaceship?

Go ride around, and have a jolly old time.

Maybe that'll shut you up.

Dad? Summer? Where were you guys this whole time?

On Gazorpazorp. Where were you?

I was reading a newspaper.

Oh, that's interesting, Beth. You know it's funny...

I heard about a little bit of news, myself.

Take a look.

Take a listen.

This world... still got a... still got a chance!

See you guys next week!

See everybody next week!

Mortimer Smith Jr. New York Times best selling author.

Your book is about innocence, the definition of it, and inevitably its impossibility.

Is it autobiographical?

Certainly. I mean, all writing is, in my opinion.

But, my...

My father... kept me locked in the house until I was a teenager.

And there was violence and... threats of poison gas.

But also dancing.

But you persevered and created this masterpiece from your suffering.

Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel, "My Horrible Father" in every store and on everyone's mind pick it up, we'll be right back.

It's a thankless job, Morty.

You did the best you could.

I hope he's eating enough.