01x10 - Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind

[bunniefuu]

So, dad, guess what tomorrow is.

Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.

No.

Well, it... might be.

It is.

Fine. But also, tomorrow is your one-year anniversary back in our lives.

I'm gonna make you flying-saucer-shaped pancakes.

Oh, t-t-there's no need to do that, Beth.

Regular pancakes are fine.

Oh, my God!

Oh, what is happening?!

Happy anniversary, dad.

Oh, I get it.

Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers.

I-I should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.

You should be making us a whole restaurant.

Nonsense. We couldn't be happier to have you around.

I just wish I got to see more of you.

Rick Sanchez of earth dimension C-137, you are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the trans-dimensional council of Ricks.

Hey! What the heck?!

Neutralize the Jerry.

Wait! No! I'll --

Dad!

Dad!

Rick!

Everybody, relax.

If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just want to haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions.

Let's get it over with.

Bring his Morty.

Oh, man.

Leave my Morty out of this.

You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to j-- join the council.

W-w-w-what about Jerry?

Will you at least unfreeze my daughter's idiot?

...Give you anything!

I have a rare antique-coin collection!

Just don't hurt me!

Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting.

They have little R2-D2s instead of George Washington.

Our son's been abducted!

You hate me for buying those coins!

Geez, Rick, w-what is this place?

The citadel of Ricks.

It's the secret headquarters for the council of Ricks.

Council of Ricks?

As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a thr*at -- galactic t*rrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government.

Wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa, and a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem, so a few thousand versions of me had the ingenious idea of banding together like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on yahoo! Answers.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me.

Geez, you're easy to impress.

Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty.

This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Turn your boring, old Morty into a-- hot fashion statement with some Morty dazzlers.

Hey, check this out.

Show me the Morty.

Dumb.

Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured?

You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured --

Back off!

Not my cup of tea, this place.

I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

[beep] me, pal.

[beep] you?

No, no, no, no, no. [beep] me.

Bring up the holograms.

27 Ricks brutally m*rder*d in their own timelines-- an unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic.

What say you, earth Rick C-137?

You think I did this?

Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?

You have a history of non-cooperation with the council.

Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick.

W-w-w-w-w-why isn't he here in handcuffs?

Because he's dead, too!

Who else would you have us question?

You fit the profile.

Of all the Ricks in the central finite curve, you're the malcontent, the rogue.

I'm the Rick, and so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance.

You wanted to be safe from the government, so you became a stupid government.

That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.

Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them.

They're about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste, and I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like Fluffy disks of cake with syrup on top, and I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there's evidence!

So, as they say in Canada, peace oot!

Evidence! Good idea.

Scan his portal g*n!

Oh, come on.

Don't look at another man's portal-g*n history.

We -- we all go to weird places.

Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occurred.

What?! That's Rick-diculous!

I'm obviously being set up.

Earth Rick C-137, the council of Ricks sentences you to the machine of unspeakable doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp.

Also, every 10 seconds, it stabs your balls.

I've heard enough.

Run, Morty!

Unh-unh. Not you.

Aaaah!

No!

Oh! Oh!

Yeah, I'd like to order one large person with extra people, please.

White people. No, no, no, no. Black people.

And hispanic on half.

Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please.

High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner.

And wheelchair on half.

They could have gone into any one of these.

Son of a...

Oh, geez.

Oh, man!

We lost 'em.

Yeah, I'd like to order one large phone with extra phones, please.

Cellphone. No, no, no, no. Rotary.

And pay phone on half.

That'll keep 'em busy for a while.

Those guys were wrong, right?

Y-y-y-you-- you wouldn't k*ll yourself -- yourselves.

Of course not, Morty. How could that profit me?

But someone out there is k*lling Ricks, and the council ain't gonna stop thinking it's me until we clear our names -- by finding the real Rick-k*ller.

I'm scared, Rick.

Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons, like that show "doomsday preppers".

Not really my style, Morty.

Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks by now.

All right, listen, Jerry. If Rick calls, this device is gonna trace his location.

You just got to keep him on the phone for 30 seconds or longer.

Who wants lemonade?

Oh, yeah.

Mmm! Oh! Delicious!

Beth you're a treasure.

I have a Beth just like you in my reality, except you know what?

She's not as brilliant or attractive.

Aw. Thank you.

Oh! She did! She did it!

H-hello?

Hey, Jerry, it's Rick.

Rick! Hey.

What's -- what's up?

So, listen, the heat's on, and there's nowhere left to turn, so Morty and I are just gonna fly my spaceship into a black hole.

What?!

Is that cool with you, dawg?

Rick, no!

Morty!!

We got it.

The call's coming from...

♪ inside the house ♪

Look at his face! You dummy!

Can't believe our daughter married you.

Too easy!

The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry.

They won't be able to help themselves.

But as soon as they get bored, they'll be onto us.

Phones à la clams and phonesghetti with phone balls.

Anything else?

Yeah, more phone sticks, please.

Right away, sir.

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kind of devalues our bond".

But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Yeah, it's got to be that way.

You're a camouflage.

Camouflage?

What are you talking about, Rick?

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brain wave due to our genius.

The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brain waves that make ours invisible.

See, when a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... Morty waves.

Um... Because o-our personalities are so different?

Oh, sh*t, dawg.

My portal g*n was hacked remotely, Morty-- obviously by the real k*ller, to frame me.

But I was able to trace the signal.

Come on. Let's go.

Uh-oh.

Excuse me.

We've tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location.

They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion, I'm gonna mark us each with a red "X" right now.

That way, if someone has a g*n and we both tell you to sh**t the other one because they're the evil one, you'll know who's lying.

Hey, check it out.

Damn it!

Hey, you didn't pay your bill!

The red "X"! Red "X"!

Hey, it's a good thing that space outlet had lab coats and your favorite kind of shirt in stock, huh, Morty?

Yeah, Rick, I-I heard you the first time.

You don't have to keep saying it over and over.

Man, this place is way off the grid.

This guy does not want to be found.

Well, if he's a Rick, doesn't he just have to stand by a Morty to hide?

I mean, isn't that what Mortys are -- human cloaking devices?

Morty, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

Oh, my God, Rick, look!

There's a bunch of people strapped all over that building!

Not people, Morty -- Mortys.

Oh, God!

W-w-why would somebody do this? It's horrible!

Well, one Morty's enough to hide from the bureaucrats, but you get -- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put them in agonizing pain, that creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks [beep].

I fiddled with a concept like this once.

On paper, Morty. On paper.

I wouldn't do this. It's barbaric overkill.

I mean, you could accomplish the same result with, like, five Mortys and a jumper cable.

Which I also wouldn't do!

I'm just saying, it's bad craftsmanship.

Coffee time!

Yeah!

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

That's what I like to hear!

Hi, Jerry.

Leave me alone. I'm working.

Oh, you are? W-w-w-what do you do?

I-I'm -- I'm in between advertising jobs.

Advertising? Wow!

So, people need help figuring out what to buy, and then y-y-you help 'em?

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy who really has it all together.

Dude, are you -- w-- you're being a d*ck, right?

Oh, gosh, I-I hope not. I wouldn't want to offend you in any way.

You're really a Rick?

Y-- of course I am -- just as much as my Morty's a Morty.

Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie "mask."

You know, the one with Cher in it?

That's right, Jerry!

He -- he's from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz "mask" people.

He's Eric Stoltz mask Morty.

They assigned him to me because I never had any kids of my own.

But if I did, boy, I'd love them if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.

Hey, get a load of this.

Jerry's hanging out with doofus Rick.

This is perfect.

I'm not doofus Rick!

I'm Rick j19-zeta-7!

Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop?

Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?

Hey, I don't eat poop!

Y-you guys are always so mean to me.

I guess it's only fair to tell you now, Jerry.

I'm the worst Rick of them all.

According to who -- other versions of you?

If I've learned one thing, it's that before you get anywhere in life, you got to stop listening to yourself.

Wow. You really are wise, Jerry.

I-I-I guess that's why you work in advertising.

The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick of them all.

You don't care about me at all!

I'm no different than that jacket you've got on!

Y-y-y-- o-or your stupid portal g*n!

I'm just a tool!

I-I-I'm just an object!

Hey, it's your choice to take it personally, Morty.

Now, for the love of God, be quiet.

The point of this is to get the drop on the guy.

You know what, Rick? I'll tell you something!

I'm more than a human shield!

Yeah, that's right.

You are.

You're a perfect, impenetrable suit of human armor, Morty, because you're as dumb as I am smart, which is why when I say "shut up," it's really good advice.

Great. Nice work, Morty.

Ooh. Look at you, C-137.

You -- aren't you a tough customer.

The slow clap? Really?

Kind of played out, dude.

Not in this dimension, it isn't.

In fact I invented it.

Nobody else has ever even done it here before.

Well, la-di-da.

Hey, that's mine!

I don't like the look of that Rick, Morty.

We got to escape.

I'm not gonna help you, Rick.

Y-you're a monster.

Don't be Rick-diculous, Morty.

Will you -- will you stop saying that?

It's stupid.

Take his Morty away.

Come with me.

Yeah, gladly.

Geez, man. Ricks, huh?

Hey, man, you seem to know how this place works.

Is there any way we could shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside?

It would be pointless.

Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.

In here.

Ah. Isn't it beautiful?

Yeah, yeah.

Looks like payday at Neverland ranch in here.

Zing!

That guy got it.

Unh-unh-unh, Rick. Quiet.

You're missing my symphony.

Hey, I'll take it over Mumford & Sons.

Zip!

This guy is on it!

He's not laughing at your dumb jokes, Rick.

That's just a random noise it makes every 10 seconds.

You see, Rick, you're not as clever as you think you are.

I wanted you to find me.

We're not so different, you and I.

Yeah, duh!

See this right here, Rick?

I crunched the numbers.

I created a spectrum of all the Ricks.

I listed them out from most evil to least evil.

Here's where I am.

And look it -- right here's where you are, Rick.

This guy right here -- super-weird.

I get it.

So you want me to team up with you to take down the council of Ricks, right?

Is that where you're going with this?

'Cause that's where I'd be going.

Please.

I think I'm doing pretty good on my own.

I'm simply gonna download the contents of your brain and then k*ll you.

Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate and just a tad of chlorified tartrate... Ovenless brownies!

Mmm. Mmm!

It's incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order.

Well, come on.

I can't take all the credit, Jerry.

It was your idea.

Come here, Jerry!

Hey, uh, come here.

I-I want to show you something.

Okay, look, everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but you're a genius scientist.

What do you think? See?

There's little R2-D2s where the George Washingtons should be.

You know, Jerry, I'm not gonna tell you that these will increase in value or even hold their current value.

The truth is, you bought them because you like them.

They have value to you.

That's what matters.

How long are you staying?

Until we find your Rick.

I found mine.

Help!

There is no escape, my son.

We will find our peace in the next world.

So, what -- you're just gonna give up?

We're giving in -- to the power of the one true Morty.

One day, he will return.

Praise the one true Morty.

Ugh.

All right, Mortys, listen up.

My name is Morty Smith, from earth dimension C-137.

I know you're scared, because I'm scared.

But that's no reason to accept our fate!

We're Mortys!

We're not defined by our relationships to Rick!

Our destiny is our own!

This sounds like something the one true Morty might say.

I'm sick of being a human shield.

I want to be a gardener!

I want to write really crazy, intense action novels!

I'm more than just a hammer!

He is the one true Morty!

Hooray!

The one true Morty!

Hey, keep it down!

You've lived quite a life, Rick.

It's a real shame you're not gonna be around to see it through.

You're crying? Over a Morty?

No, I'm just allergic to dipshits.

Ugh. Pathetic.

We both know that if there's any truth in the universe, it's that Ricks don't care about Mortys.

Do your worst, you little bastards!

k*ll me! Do it!

Do I-I-I-I-it!

Morty! Thank God!

Get me out of this.

Come on!

You're lucky I'm not a Rick.

Point taken, but this is no time for arcs.

Oh!

Yeah, hello.

Hey, what do me and O.J. not have in common?

Huh? W-who is this?

I found the real k*ller, bitch!

Get over here!

Yo, ding-dong, we're done here. Time to go.

Well, Jerry, I guess this means goodbye.

W-w-well, does it have to?

I mean, you -- you look just like Rick.

We could maybe, you know, get rid of him.

I'm not saying k*ll him, necessarily.

I -- I'm also not saying necessarily not k*ll him, but --

Jerry, w-we both know it wouldn't work.

It's time to go back to our lives.

I love you, Jerry. I love you.

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

W-what -- w-what's gonna happen to all these Mortys?

They'll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls.

Poor little rickless bastards.

Earth Rick C-137, the council apologizes for its false accusation, and in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty in the event that your current Morty should --

Uh, guys, not a good time.

Come on, Morty. Let's hit it.

Is it time for arcs yet, Rick?

I did a pretty good job back there for a human cloaking device.

Saved your ass.

All right, Morty.

Don't break an arm jerking yourself off.

Man, I can't believe you, Rick.

That right there, that w-- that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity, you know?

To connect with me a little.

Hey, Morty, you want connection, go be part of some stupid club, like all those dumb Ricks.

You know, maybe I don't connect because I'm the rickest Rick there is.

And, you know, it would g-- Go without saying that the rickest Rick would have the Mortyest Morty.

It would go without saying, huh?

Yeah, it would.

Did you hear me say it?

Nah.

The Mortyest Morty.

Just don't get too big for your loafers, Buster brown.

A cocky Morty can lead to some big problems.

It can be a real bad thing for everybody.

Oh, yeah? How's that?

U-uh, I'll explain when you're older.

What a mess.

Pride cometh before the fall.

I guess he got what he deserved.

What is that?

Hand me the laser difibulator.

Hey, guys, uh, c-can I help?

No! Go clean the toilets.

Maybe you'll make friends with some turds.

You make us ashamed to be ourselves!

My God. I've seen this technology before.

This Rick was being controlled remotely -- puppeteered by somebody else.

This is the receiver.

Yeah, but where's the transmitter?

Wubba dubba dub dub!

Oh. Hey, Jerry.

What are you doing in my room, buddy?

Nothing. I was just, um, checking the smoke detectors.

All right.

Okay, get out.

What's that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him?

You know he eats his own sh*t, right?

Oh, my God, this is rich!

I've got like 10 Ricks to call right now.