02x04 - Total Rickall

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Rick and Morty". Aired: December 2013 to present.
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"Rick and Morty" follows the exploits of an alcoholic scientist and his not so bright grandson on their adventures to alternate dimensions.
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02x04 - Total Rickall

Post by bunniefuu »

Steve, I just got a weird e-mail.

Did you buy us airline tickets?

Aw, sh**t.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!

Steve, you're so sweet.

Thanks, uncle Steve! Best uncle ever.

Look out, world.

The smith family is going to paris!

Summer: Yeah! Awesome!

Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash!

Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

I -- you know what?

You're gonna land on your feet, jer.

Some company out there's gonna thank their lucky stars they hired my little brother.

Who the [bleep] are you?

My goofy brother, Steve.

( chuckles ) he's been living here almost a year now.

Are you losing your mind?

Hey, someone's been spending too much time around glowing rocks.

Am I right?

( laughter )

( screaming )

Oh, my god! Call an ambulance!

Jerry: Oh, god! Steve! What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Will everybody just relax for a second?

There's no such thing as an "uncle Steve."

That is an alien parasite.

( screeches )

( both gasp )

But I've known him my whole life.

No, you haven't, Jerry.

These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories, and th-then they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets.

It's -- it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?

He's a real piece of [bleep]

This is a big one. Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe on a piece of alien fruit.

Someone? Get off the high road, Summer.

We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply.

We could be infested with these things.

( belches ) so we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Ooh, whee!

Whatever you want, Rick! We're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.

I always could count on you.

♪ ♪

All right. There's six of us, and that's it.

Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.

Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick!

Can't afford to chance it.

( beep )

Dad, why does our house have blast shields?

Trust me, Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.

Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic!

Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together.

Y-- remember that? After "the hulk" musical?

( grunting )

( muzak playing )

Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, and foam fists don't make you strong.

I know. Friends make you strong.

I watched the same musical you did.

Why couldn't I bring my portal g*n?

( winces )

Why did all the drinks have to be extra large?

Oh, the hulk. I just got that.

Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me.

At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.

Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine.

I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be.

( chuckles ) somebody call for repairs?

all: Yay! Cousin Nicky!

It's me, cousin Nicky.

I'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not.

I'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here!

( laughter )

It's true.

We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this.

Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right.

L-let's get some fresh air.

Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick.

We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more of these things.

I hear you, Morty.

Back in brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "we're walkin' here!"

( laughter )

Nicky, get --

Oh! ( gasps )

( groaning )
what the...?

Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!

Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us!

If there's seven, then that means somebody's not real.

But how did you know it was Nicky?

I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.

So we can't trust any of our memories now?

Nicky was the reason we found that old n*zi submarine.

Did that not even happen?

Well, of course it happened.

Now that I possess the mighty staff of rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the fourth reich!

This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.

Hey, we got a word for n*zi back in brooklyn, pal.

I'm comfortable being called a n*zi.

You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings?

Yeah. Think before you talk [bleep]

Rah-gubaba, help me k*ll america!

all: Mr. Beauregard!

After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.

all: Yeah! Oh, thank god!

Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend.

Set a course for Morty's high school.

Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then I wouldn't still be the family butler.

( chuckles ) dare to dream.


And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble.

( laughter ) no! Don't flashback!

You're just gonna make more swelling.

Don't worry, Jerry. Just relax.

We called the fire department.

You know they won't come here anymore.

( grunting )

( all gasp )

Syeerahve!d. Is yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

( Jerry laughs )

Oh, whee!

I guess I take back what I said about british cuisine.

( laughter )

( laughter )

Take that, Summer!

We're trying to sleep.

I don't want to go to the dance alone.

Then perhaps you shouldn't.

Aww. Mr. Beauregard.

Shall we, master Morty?

We shall.

Oh, wait, don't leave without letting photography raptor take a picture.

( raptor screeches )

( camera shutter clicks )

( laughter )

Everybody stop remembering!

These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look!

There's only supposed to be six people in this house.

But there's always been 10.


Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.

You sure about that, Rick?

Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.

All right, there's six of us.

( belches ) and that's it.

Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, sleepy gary, photography raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.

Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.

6, 10, what's the difference?

I just love the number 6 for no reason!

Where's my pencil at?

Here, Rick! Use me!

Oh, thanks, pencilvester!

Yeah, I-I g-- I guess that is what happened, but I-I don't get why I would do that.

Everybody makes mistakes, Rick.

Why do you think I have one of these?

( laughter, camera shutter clicks )

That's it. Photos.

Hard evidence.

You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole.

Well, what do you know about this?

You're not in any of mine.

All I have are pictures of me and my friends from school.

What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family?

It's not like we're mormon or dying.

I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.



It's past my bedtime. ( giggles )

Not in never past bedtime land!

Here we go!

♪ Summer and tinkles ♪
♪ friends with each other ♪
♪ living in never past bedtime land ♪
♪ no kitchen sinkles ♪
♪ no little brother ♪
♪ going to raves and waving our hands ♪

( rapping ) ♪ Summer and tinkle, friends to the end ♪
♪ group text the whole crew, my mother... Friends! ♪
♪ ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry ♪
♪ "t" to the "inkle" with a capital "I" ♪

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Summer, we're trying to sleep.

It was tinkles!


That is su-- [belches] -- suspicious.

We're always hearing about this tinkles character, but we never get to --

Hi, everybody.

I'm tinkles, and these are my friends.

( all sigh )

See, everyone? Tinkles is real.

That means so am I.

Sorry, Summer. Man, I'm sorry, Summer.

I was on the wrong side of the pitchfork on this one.

Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't.

I know who the smiths are.

I've known Beth since high school.

And her husband, sleepy gary, is hands down my absolute best friend.

Thanks, Jerry.

Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.

Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long.

I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl.


Grandpa Rick!

Hold still, "Summer."

Rick, that is my daughter.

Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, sleepy gary?

I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you.

Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with.

Have you forgotten the barbecue?

Wait, why would you want me to --

You're one of them, aren't you?

Rick. You love those barbecues, Rick.

You love them.


Remember it, Rick?

Shut up, hamurai!

Shut up, amish cyborg!

What is this? '90s conan?

all: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.

( chatter )

You know what, pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing.

You're good at it, Rick.

Watch me, baby.

I'm like tom cruise from, um, "cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks.

Yeah, check me out.

I'm like tom cruise from "cuisine."

( chuckles ) yeah.

Is that what it's called? "cuisine"?

Wow! Hey, everybody.

Let's give it up for the grillmaster Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick!

( all chanting "Rick" )


( breathing heavily )


sh**t. Now look.

It's like a "where's waldo?" page.

Can you find me?

Check out all these zany characters.

We'll be right back after these messages.

I think you should put down the g*n and we should get you to a doctor.

What do you say we take down these blast shields?

all: Yeah.

I can't do that, sleepy gary.

All right, everybody listen to me.

I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

( grunts )

But, Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

You guys, we got to hurry.

I just got back from walmart.

They're selling nintendo 3ds systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card.

Brings the total price down to $110 after tax.

Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy!

They're all limited-edition "zelda" ones.

Hurry! Hurry! Come with me!

We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play nintendo games!

Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that.

Don't overreact, Rick.

Sleepy gary, a word?

Sure, Jerry.

Rick, keep a level head, okay?

'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein --

He's actually Frankenstein's monster.

Sleepy gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship.

I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but if those memories can't be trusted, then...

Jerry, just say it.

Sleepy gary, how do we know I'm real?

Jesus, Jerry.

No, you're real.

Hey, look at me.

Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry.

Remember our vacation?

They're filming that new "star wars" movie down the coast.

Should we check it out?


Why not?

Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.

I'd like that.
( moaning )

What are we doing?

I don't give a damn what else happens out there.

You and I are going to survive this.


Hey, we agreed.

Never in the house.

That's a cool watch there, Rick.

Can I check it out?

Uh, no thank -- ( grunts )


Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh?

Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here?

Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'nam.

So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?

Shi-i-i-i-t. I'mma bust a --

( grunts ) No! Get out of my head, parasite!

No! Drop it.

Give me the g*n, Frankenstein!

( indistinct shouting )

Give it back!


( applause )


( breathing heavily )

Is anyone here even real?

Am I the only real person on earth?!

Reverse giraffe: maybe.

Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real.

You know me. I'm reverse giraffe.

I have a short neck and legs.

I went to college with hamurai.


I saved ghost in a jar's life in vietnam.

Boo rah!

And, Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?

( sighs ) too many.

Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.

That don't make no sense!

Or maybe there's only one deceiver here --

The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other.

Hey, don't blame me!

I tried to sh**t Summer 10 minutes ago!

I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?

Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch!

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

Hit the sack, jack.

Uh-oh! Somersault jump.


And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop!

Grassss tastes bad-ah.

No jumpin' in the sewer.

Burger time!

Rubber baby baby bunkers!

Lick, lick, lick my balls!

( laughs ) yeah!

Say that all the time.

( all muttering )

That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.

Yeah, don't forget his incredibly vague back story.

Beth, I'm your father!

Oh, are you, dad? Are you?

Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!

Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old jewish comedy writer's name?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

woman: In your face!

Give me the g*n.

I'm not doing this in front of pencilvester.

Bring him to the garage.

( all cheering )

You listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum.

We could either do this the easy way or the hard way.

You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live?

Then open the blast shield doors.

Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us.

You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of [bleep] Morty!

Oh -- oh, yeah?


I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six of them are pleasant.

The rest is annoying garbage.

So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger?

Do it! Do it, mother[bleep]

Pull the [bleep] trigger!

( screeches )

Oh, wow.

Baby wizard was a parasite?

He set me up with my wife.

( screeches )

What the hell?

I figured it out, Rick!

The parasites can only create pleasant memories.

I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

♪ these memories that we have ♪
♪ these memories that we cherish ♪
♪ I wish that we can go back to that time ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Holy crap, Morty, you're right.

Is -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

Well, yeah, duh-doy.

T-took you long enough.

( whirring )

Rick: Now let's go, Morty.

We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

( grunts )

( screaming )

Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining.

We need to k*ll everyone that we can only remember fondly.

Who's got a bad memory about mrs. Refrigerator?

I-I-I-I -- everyone has bad memories of me.

You remember that one time?

( screaming )

Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.

Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, mrs. Refrigerator.

They're thrilling.

And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.

The jig is up!

( whimpering ) get me out of here.

Get me out of here!

Aah! ( screeching )

( all gasping )

Oh [bleep]

Everybody back!

If you're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear.

So what about Summer?

Why am I always your go-to?

( grunts )

( whimpers )

Never go in my room again.

I didn't!

She's real.

She's my bitch of a sister.


Mom, are you driving me to --


Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?

Oh, my god. Are you drunk?

( belches ) what are you? My wife coach?

Your what?

Oh! God! Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh! God! Mom!

Sweetheart, are you okay?

I didn't mean to --

I'm gonna have a bruise! It's picture day!

It's not -- don't overreact. I can clean it up.

( sobs ) I want the police to take me!

Morty, give a g*n to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.

Thank you, sweetie.

Beth, Beth, please! I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.

( screeches )

( g*n cock )

( screaming )

( blasting )

( screeching )

Come on, man.

Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip?

Come on, pencilvester. Give me anything.

Rick, I'm pencilvester.

Listen to that name. You can't k*ll me.

You're right.

k*ll pencilvester.

( screeches )

( screeches )

( screeching )

( tinkle! )

Summer, I've always loved you!


( screeches )

( all gasp )

( screeching )

( shouts )

Oh, my god! I-I-I thought you went to a concert!

We forgot the tickets!

Why in the kitchen?!

I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me!

You're not the victim here!

I hate you, and I was thinking about your friend grace!


( screeching )

Ah. Master Rick.

Remember when you weren't going to sh**t me?

( screeches )

I guess I did the butler! Ha ha!

Does -- d-does that scan?

Oh, I-I get it.

It's a play on "the butler did it."

Thanks, ghost in a jar.

You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.

( screeches )

( screeches )

You got to hide me, sleepy gary.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

If we can get to my boat, there's a --

( screeches )

No. No!

Just send me to gary. I want to be with gary.

Oh, god. ( whimpering )

Whoa. What the hell?

Look out for that homeless guy!

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

There isn't time! Just run!

( grunts ) get out here and help me!

They say you shouldn't do that!

Just run!

Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.

( crying ) I'm a parasite!

Yeah, but you're real.

Uh, uh, I need time to forget about sleepy gary.

Me, too.

( whirring )

Rick: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space.

That goes for everyone.

This is depressing.

We k*ll every good person in the house.

we're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry.

We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!

Ooh, whee! Amen to that.

Now, this little poopypants is hungry.

Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

( chomping )


I-is -- is something wrong, Beth?


( screams ) oh, my god!

Rick: No, Beth! Oh [bleep]

Wait, but I --

Oh, Beth! Why?!

I need an ambulance!

There's been a sh**ting. My wife sh*t...

Uh, my -- my wife sh*t a long-time family friend.


Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.

I-I thought --

Keep breathing!

Oh, god. What's happening?

Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!

Is -- is this what bleeding to death is?

Oh, whee. Is this how I die?

Oh, geez! Oh, my god!

Why would you do this? Beth.

It's not supposed to hurt.

I-I thought...

( siren wails )

Ooh, whee.

Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better.

Rick: Listen, Beth, don't t*rture yourself.

I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale.

Is, um, is he mad at me?

He's not pressing charges.

I mean, that's got to be the "you sh*t me" equivalent of not being mad.

Can he have visitors?

He'd like to be alone.

He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him?

If you love him, you should leave.

( door closes )

And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.

( screaming )

man: Did you get any of that?

man: It's-a good show-a.
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