02x09 - Look Who's Purging Now

I got to tell you, Rick. It's pretty great to be in this spaceship, just the two of us, you know?

Just cruising around, Rick and Morty style.

I agree, Morty. [ Belches ]

It's nice to get back to the basics after a pretty intense, mixed-bag of a year.

Ohh!

Relax.

That's what windshields are for.

I didn't know that there were bugs out in space.

Well, w-what did you think, Morty?

Life just developed on earth by itself?

Here, let me take care of this.

Geez, Rick, that's disgusting.

I don't want to look at that.

Yeah, guess I'm out of fluid.

L-let me find a place to stop.

Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

The general store ought to have what you need. Thanks.

Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.

Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?

Sundown is when the festival begins.

The festival?

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace.

Oh, I know what this is!

You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence.

That's right.

What?!

It's like "the purge," Morty. That movie "the purge"?

Oh, have you been here before?

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick.

You know, sometimes it's called the cleansing or the red time.

There was this one world that called it just murder night.

I-it's a purge planet.

They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge.

T-that's horrible!

Yeah.

You want to check it out?

[ Electricity crackling ]

So, what do you do during the festival?

You lock yourself in, or you go out and do some stuff?

Oh, I do some pretty bad stuff.

Oh, I bet you do, old timer. [ Laughs ]

Gee... Rick, come on. The sun is setting.

W-we got to get out of here.

All right, well, w-what do I owe you for the wiper fluid?

It's on the house. Oh, and, uh, why... why don't you have some candy bars, as well?

Oh, no way. That's really nice of you.

I'm a nice guy... For now.

[ Chuckling ] Ohh, I don't doubt it.

Rick!

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, have a good festival, old timer.

I intend to.

Rick, unlock it!

Just a second, Morty.

Oh, look at that sunset.

Stop screwing around.

[ Click ]

There we go. Much better. Now we can see.

Great.

Hey, you know what, Morty?

Why don't we christen our squeaky-clean windshield here by watching a little of this purge through it?

What?! No! What is your problem?!

Morty, grow up. If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, it's my car.

[ Belches ] Also, if you tell your mom about this, I'll purge you.

You're the worst.

And this planet is the worst. How can you be into this?

You know, people are gonna kill each other.

So, what, y-y-you trying to sit here and tell me that [belches] I-if... if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?

No!

Why... why would I do that?

You do that?

I don't, because it would bore me.

I see [Bleep] like that for breakfast, Morty.

But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts.

So you stuff them down and...

[ Bell chiming ]

Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting.

Oh-ho-ho! Here we go.

I'm not watching.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail.

I'm gonna get a closer look.

Oh, okay, sure.

And then someone's gonna throw a rock and hit the car and then we're gonna crash and we're gonna be stuck down there and it's gonna be what we deserve.

Yawn.

Whoa! [ Indistinct shouting ]

Whoa, they are purging the [Bleep] out of each other.

[ Muffled screaming ]

Oh, my God!

Oh [Bleep]

That was... okay, yeah. T-that was gross.

Wow. Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Morty. Ugh.

My appetite for purge-spectating got filled pretty quick.

Oh, God. [ Grunts ]

[ Retching ]

[ Woman screaming ]

Get away from me!

No! No! Help!

Somebody help me! Aah!

All right, Morty. L-let's get out of here.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. W-we have to go down there.

[ Belching ] What? Why?

That poor girl. W-we have to save her.

Uh, Morty, in space, we have something we call the non-interference policy. We got the wiper fluid.

We watched them kill each other. We're leaving.

Help me save that girl, or I'm telling mom you brought me here.

You little turd. [ Screaming ]

Please! Leave me alone!

Leave you alone? During a purge?

I don't think so, baby.

It's okay. We're not gonna hurt you.

My name is Morty. This is my grandpa.

We're tourists.

Not anymore.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my God. This is [Bleep] awesome!

Morty, this is really cool.

Hey, y-you want to help me out here and kill some people?

It's fun. We're totally justified because we're saving a little girl.

I mean, w-w-we're both free and clear to murder these people.

Are you okay?

Yes.

I have to find somewhere to hide.

Well, you can hide with us. Rick?

Yeah?

Do you think we could take... w-what's your name?

Arthrisha.

Could we take arthrisha up in the ship and, you know, just wait out the purge?

Oh, Morty, how can I refuse after all you've done to blackmail me?

Your vehicle... is it from the gods?

No.

Yes.

So, uh, you know, when the purge started, did people get into it right away, or were they like, "wait, what?"

This is gonna stop crime how, exactly?"

Yeah, it took some time for people to accept it.

Yeah, I bet. [ Chuckles ] I bet.

Yeah, it's kind of like cellphones, you know?

At first, everyone was like, "look at those douchebags purging," and then the next thing you know, they're like, "it's just so convenient."

Geez, you working on your tight five for the comedy store, Morty?

Whatcha doing?

Watching some TV, playing on your phone?

Is that a real question?

Just making conversation.

Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with?

My choice is to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal.

It's not a conversation.

You're holding me verbally hostage.

Okay, ass-face. I'll go in the kitchen.

Hey, dad.

Yeah?

Whatcha doing?

Going into the kitchen?

Okay.

Yeah, you like that?

Screw you.

So, uh, do most people wear masks when they purge?

I-I don't want to answer any more purge questions.

All right, hey, hey, that's cool.

I can roll with that.

[ Blowing raspberries ]

[ Gasps ] My Nana!

Huh?

My Nana! We have to save her!

You just now remembered your Nana exists.

I-I was traumatized.

Haven't you been through like 15 purges?

I mean, some as a child?

Will somebody just help me get her?

Fine, whatever. Morty, stay.

Oh, God. Oh, crap. Oh, crap!

Get out! Get out!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get the [Bleep] out of the flying machine!

Oh, my God! O-okay! Okay!

Back up, asshole.

[ Whimpers ]

Back up.

Ohh.

Back the [Bleep] up!

Aah!

For what it's worth, I'm sorry, but that's not really worth anything tonight, is it?

Y-you can't leave us here. You're killing us!

You hear me? Come back.

Y-you got to come back. Change your mind.

Oh, geez.

Morty! Aah! [Bleep] Amish bitch shot me!

[ Grunts ] She tried to purge me, Morty.

You let your wiener do the walking, and now I'm dead.

Rick, she took the car!

You [Bleep] kidding me, Morty?!

She took my car and the gun.

We're like the rest of these assholes now.

W-w-we're gonna get purged, Morty.

Help me up.

Oh, geez, geez! Wait a minute, Rick.

Why don't we just use your portal gun?

It's in the car, dip-ass.

[ Grunts ] Oh, God, it hurts.

She got me right in the goddamn liver, Morty.

It's the hardest-working liver in the galaxy, Morty, and now it has a hole in it. I hope it was worth it.

I was just trying to do right.

Yeah, well, that's not really the theme of tonight's party.

Heads up. Rapists.

Well, don't just stand there, Morty.

Purge 'em.

Me?

No, me. Should I rub my liver hole on them?

Pick up a stick or something and kill them.

Um, w-we come in peace.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, my God. [ Grunts ]

There's more where that came from!

You want to get purged, you bring it!

Drop [Belches] drop your sh1t! Drop it all.

Morty, go get their sh1t. Hurry up.

I only had one of those things I threw.

I'm holding a box of tic tacs right now.

Want some crackers?

No, thank you.

Are you ready to be nice to me?

In exchange for crackers?

What happened to you?

Dad, get a job.

You're trying to create drama because you're bored.

Oh. [ Beeping, whirring ]

It's the space phone grandpa gave us.

Hello?

Hey, Summer, it's grandpa.

I need you to do me a favor.

I can barely hear you.

Who is it?

Morty and I are on a planet that's purging.

I need you to take down...

A plan that's what?

We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging.

We lost our car and my gun, and we're in a purge.

Ooh, is it taddi Mason?

Like the movie "the purge"?

Yes, I-I need you to take... that movie sucked.

Oh, my God. Hold on.

It's not taddi Mason?

Dad, who the [Bleep] is taddi Mason?

My friend.

Aah!

Are you okay? I'm putting you on speaker.

Taddi?

Yes, Jerry, it's taddi, a person no one's ever heard of until now, calling you on a space phone.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.

[ Growls ]

Aah!

[ Growling ]

[ Gunshots ]

Reload, fast.

Summer, w-we need you to take down this number.

Quit screwing around.

Morty? Are you all right?

No!

Why are you with taddi Mason?

Holy [Bleep] dad! Shut the [Bleep] up!

Okay. I guess I'm just this entire family's toilet paper.

Are you writing this down? Will you please write this down?

Summer: Yes, yes.

7-7-1-9-8...

[ Growling ]

3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5.

Aah!

[ Growling ]

You son of a bitch!

Morty, I don't want to be the "a little help" guy, but a little help?

Aah!

Okay, I have a pen. Go.

7-7-1-9-8-3- 6-4-2-1-1-2-5.

A spoon, Morty?

A spoon?!

I'm sorry.

There's a pile of silverware next to you, and you throw me the one thing that can never kill anything?

All right, okay!

Summer, on the shelf above my workbench in the garage, there's a red box with a keypad on it.

You're gonna take that box outside, and you're gonna type the number I just gave you into the keypad.

Got it?

Got it.

Is it just part of growing up to hate your dad?

I'm ignoring you.

Morty, if I can get to the top of that lighthouse, I can send the beacon, and your sister can launch our package.

Just remember, if there's people in there and they try to purge us, we got to purge them first.

We're not purging anyone, Rick, all right? W-will you stop it?

Morty, if we're gonna survive tonight, you're gonna need to harness your repressed rage.

I don't have any!

Spoken like a person with repressed rage.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I take no part in the festival.

If you desire to kill me, I only ask you do it quickly.

No such agenda, chief.

We're not too keen on the purge, either, sir.

We were just hoping to get on the roof of your lighthouse so we can send a beacon to my sister on earth.

It's a different planet.

By the way, life on other planets exists. Don't let it distract you.

I'll let you use my lighthouse for shelter and beacon-sending on the condition that you listen to my tale.

Okay.

Deal.

All right, I'm gonna go to the roof and set things up.

Morty, you listen to his tale.

Okay.

[ Clears throat ]

"Fade in. Exterior. Unnamed city. Day."

The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress.

We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find jacey lakims, 28... hot, but doesn't know it.

Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer.

Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her.

This is not her day.

Fade to black.

"Title... 'three weeks earlier.'"

[ sighs ] You really don't want to talk to me about this.

Dad, grandpa and Morty are in danger.

You're unemployed, and you're bored.

They're a higher priority.

Stop saying I'm unemployed!

Okay, 7-7-1-9-8-3-6-4-2-1-1

2... aah!

Good lord! Now what?

[ Whirring, humming ]

Look, I'm your father, and I love you is all I'm saying.

I'll leave it at that.

Fine, dad!

[ Both scream ]

Oh, he might have said to take it outside.

Rick: Come on, Summer.

How hard is it to type some numbers into a box?

Target locked. [ Device beeps ]

Oh, thank God.

Well, I did my job. Summer did her job.

Now all Morty has to do is finish listening to that tale.

"Blane: Maybe I don't need a new friend."

Jacey: Maybe you're the only friend I need.

Blane: Need, or want?

Jacey: I've never been much for wanting.

"Blane: Spoken like someone with needs."

Oh, geez.

Hmm?

Uh, sorry. K-keep going.

"Jacey reaches out and touches his face."

It's clear he needs what she wants.

She's a woman. He's a man.

The city burns in the background as he takes her in his arms.

Fade out.

Title... 'the end'...

"Question mark."

Wow.

Yeah?

It's... G-good job. Good job.

You liked it?

Of course I did.

You didn't laugh at the scene in the bar.

I...Thought it was funny, but I wanted to hear the rest.

Do you have any thoughts? Notes?

No. I-I just enjoyed it.

That's my note, you know? Please write more.

Seems a little insincere.

What? No.

You don't have to mollycoddle me.

I want to improve my writing. Tell me your real thoughts.

All right. Well, um, I'm not a huge fan, personally, of the whole "three weeks earlier" teaser thing.

I feel like, you know, we should start our stories where they begin not start them where they get interest... get out.

Um, what?

No, I'm sick of this. You bang on my door, you beg me to help you, I share something personal with you, and you take a giant sh1t on it.

Hey, man, we asked if we could put up a beacon... well, you can't. I want you out of here.

You're a petty person, and you're insecure, and you're taking it out on me. That's a good script.

What the hell?!

I don't care. I want you out.

What?

Take that thing down.

Your grandson is a shitty person. Leave now.

Morty!

Rick, I didn't do anything.

I sat through his entire screenplay... you "sat through it"?

Yes! Did you want me to weep with joy?

It's terrible!

Whoa! Morty! We're guests here.

I tried to be a good guest! He dragged it out of me!

I'm taking down this beacon.

No, stop! That's not fair!

Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!

Aah!

You like that? You want me to cut to three weeks earlier when you were alive?

Whoa, Morty. You just purged.

Beacon arriving. [ Device beeps ]

Okay, time to go.

Well, terrific.

[ Sighs ]

Dad, what's going on? What's the deal here?

I just wanted to spend some time with my daughter.

You're growing up so fast.

You used to be my little girl.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Remember when we used to go to the playground, and I'd push you on the swings?

Oh, you could push me higher than all the other kids.

You were so small and cute.

I thought you were gonna fly right off into the street.

[ Chuckling ] I used to pee my pants.

I know, and now look at you!

You have a job. You're making really good money.

You're not paying any rent, so you have plenty of disposable income.

Oh, God, dad. Please, don't.

I just need a few hundred dollars to get through the month. I have some interviews coming up.

Something's gonna come through. I can feel it.

I'm going inside.

[ Door shuts ]

[ Sighs ] I guess this is what rock bottom feels like, Jerry.

Ow!

It's okay, Morty. It's the purge, you know?

Pushing old lighthouse keepers down the stairs is totally cool.

It's not cool, Rick. I-I'm not like these people.

I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest of the time.

Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some [Bleep] company.

Hey, there he is.

Here I am.

[ Beacon whirring ]

Morty.

Time to [Belches] purge.

[ Gunfire, screaming ]

[ Tony! Toni! Toné!'S "feels good" plays ]

[ Screaming ] ♪ it feels good ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ it feels good ♪
♪ holdin' you so ♪
♪ it feels good geez. ♪

Wow, Morty. Now you're getting into it.

Never expected that out of you.

All right, uh, let's go find my ship.

Hey, hey, Morty, Morty. There it is down there... my ship.

It looks to me like the... Morty? [ Gunfire ]

Suck my [Bleep] ♪ it feels good eat this! ♪

Ooh, boy, you're really, uh...

Ha-ha! Ha! ♪ It feels good you're really going for it over there, huh?

I, uh [Belches] I think, uh [Belches]

I think those people were just hiding.

I don't give a [Bleep]

[ Gunfire ]

Okay, Morty, now you're just shooting corpses.

How do you like this?

Okay, buddy.

All right. That's good. Good job.

[ Screams ]

Time to go home.

[ Weapon charging ]

Wait, stop! Please, don't kill me!

I-I never intended to harm you, I swear.

I am trying to end the festival.

W-w-what do you mean?

I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly festival.

[Bleep] That, Rick! We got to kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.

"Purge! Don't purge!"

You're sending me mixed messages, Rick.

Morty [Belches] you're acting like a [Belches] freaking lunatic.

Calm down.

Screw you, Rick!

I'll purge you, too, you old, rickety piece of crap!

This has been a long time coming!

I'm gonna rip your [Bleep] guts out and smear them all over your face!

I ain't taking no sh... aah!

Okay, s-sorry about that.

Now, where are these rich people?

[ String quartet playing ]

[ Glass clinking ]

To another successful year of the festival, pitting poor people against each other for thousands of years.

[ Tony! Toni! Toné!'S "feels good" plays ]

Wait, w-where is that music coming from?

What is the meaning of this?

♪ It feels good here's the deal. ♪

I'm not here to judge.

I'm just a guy from another planet.

But this girl is one of your poor people, and I guess you guys felt like it was okay to subject her to inhuman conditions because there was no chance of it ever hurting you.

It's sort of the socio-political equivalent of, say, a suit of power armor around you.

But now things are evened out, so, arthrisha?

[ All gasp ]

Happy festival [Bleep] suckers!

Suck my [Bleep] chew my balls!

Suck my huge [Bleep]

Geez. ♪ It feels good ♪

You want to get in on this, Rick?

No, I really... honestly, I-I've had my fill.

It's gratuitous at this point.

You sure you don't want to join in?

This is really amazing.

♪ It feels good yeah, but... ah, all right. [Bleep] It. ♪
♪ It feels good yeah, bitch, what's up? ♪
♪ It feels good ♪
♪ it feels good ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ it feels good whoa! ♪
♪ Ohh, it feels good ♪

Okay, now it's time we do a little dancing to... to Tony! Toni! Toné!

♪ It feels good, yeah look at my [Bleep] feet, mother [Bleep] ♪

Whoo! Aw, yeah!

♪ It feels good ♪

Arthrisha, what do you got?

Check this move out.

♪ Oh, it feels good ♪

[ belches ] Oh, ho!

I don't know what song that is, but I [Bleep] love it!

"Feels good."

It's a [Bleep] hit song.

♪ It feels good ♪ topped the charts, I think.

Ho, ho!

♪ Oh, it feels good ♪

[ rooster crows ]

Hey, thanks for helping me, Rick.

You're a pretty great guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Bleep] You for shooting my liver.

I'll see you around.

Oh, man. What... what happened?

Don't worry about it, Morty.

Listen, if you wanted to try to get a piece, you better hurry up. Now's your last chance.

Hey, hey, arthrisha, um, maybe I could... uh, I have a boyfriend.

Okay.

I'm not trying to be rude.

I just... I don't want to lead you on.

I-I-I understand.

I mean, thank you so much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he's just... okay, okay, you can stop saying it.

I took it okay the first time, and now you're just repeating stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Oh, you're so sweet, I just... oh, but I can't.

Yeah, you're still doing it.

It won't be easy creating a new society from the ground up.

Well, a helpful rule might be if you need something, you get it.

Pretty simple, right?

I need food.

Who's got food for that guy?

I do, but this is for me.

Can't you make some more?

Oh, sure. And while I'm making food for everyone, who takes care of my kids?

I'll take care of your kids, if I get some extra food for it.

Extra food?

Well, I'm not gonna do extra work if we all get the same.

All right, okay, fair is fair.

If you do extra work, you get extra food.

Oh. [ All murmuring ]

Who's gonna keep track of who gets how much food for how much work?

Hello. I can do that.

I'll keep track of everyone's food, you know, in exchange for food.

That's not a real job!

Oh, and making food is?

You son of a bitch!

Eat this!

[ All screaming ]

Guys, guys, guys, guys, whoa, whoa.

Cool it, now. Take it easy.

There's too much aggression here.

What if we designate a period of time during which we can all get this hate, murder, and rage out of our system...

I can't help but feel ashamed about what I did back there, Rick.

I guess you were right. I've got a lot of repressed stuff.

I need to deal with.

Don't worry about it, Morty.

Remember those candy bars earlier that we got in the first act?

Yeah, what about them?

Turns out they have a chemical in them called purgenol that amplifies all your violent tendencies.

Oh, boy. Whew! Thank goodness for that, huh?

That's a relief.

Yep. Don't even sweat.

You're still the same old Morty.

Your character's totally protected.

♪ It feels good ♪

Man: And there's the approach.

Jerry, what is "Taddi Mason LLC," and why is our phone bill $700?

Uh... Hey, are you bored...

Uh... ...Lonely, just looking for a friend?

Uh... Call me, taddi Mason.

It's only $1.99 a minute to talk.

Uh... Sign up today, and I'll even call you on a regular basis...

Uh... For just $1.99 a minute.

That's a steal because I'm a great pal.

Uh... We could talk about sports or barbecue.

[ Grunts ]

Jerry, get a job.