04x04 - Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Rick and Morty". Aired: December 2013 to present.*
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"Rick and Morty" follows the exploits of an alcoholic scientist and his not so bright grandson on their adventures to alternate dimensions.
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04x04 - Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty

Post by bunniefuu »

Rick, we did it! We... we got it!

Hurry up, Morty. Get in!

- Chachi!
- f*ck Chachi, Morty.

- Did you get it?
- He helped me escape prison.

Did you get the Ultimate Cube?

Oh, it's purple.

Y-You said it was purple.

I said mine was.

I didn't know they all were.

And now we do, thanks to Chichi.

Chachi.

So, uh, w-w-when do I get it?

Get what, a hug?

Let's find a planet with
a garden hose first.

- A dragon.
- A dragon.

You asked me to cut class
and fight robots with you.

I said, "No."

You said, "Millions of
lives depend on it."

I said, "I'll do it for a dragon."

You said, "Whatever."

I want my dragon.

You know who's into dragons, Morty?

Nerds that refuse to
admit they're Christian.

- I want my dragon.
- Let me give you rocket shoes.

Let me give you Wolverine claws.

Let me give you a f*cking rocket hat.

Just be sure to use it
with the rocket shoes,

or it'll rip your head off.

I want my dragon! I want my dragon!

- I want my dragon!
- [GAS HISSES]

- Oh.
- Ha! Ha!

Oh, crap. [COUGHS]

Crap.

Dad, are you okay?

Your ship crashed in Malta.

[GROANS] I'm okay.

Oh, thank God.

Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon?

Fuuuuuuu...









Ugh!

Bleed here and here.

RICK: I'm not co-bleeding.

Under authority of our treaty

'twixt the realms of dragon and man...

Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.

- Summer!
- ... I hereby bind

this noble serpent and rider

at the soul.

Here's your tome of
dragon spells and lore.

That'll have everything you need.

Enjoy your dragon.

Okay, dragon, here's the house rules.

[ROARS] My name is Balthromaw,

breaker of sky, slayer of mountain.

Rule one... you are now
scooper of your own poops,

or I will take you down like the
black-light poster you are.

I don't got any more rules. That's it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm guessing you'd rather
not be tagged in this.

Okay, I'll bite.

What's with the talking cat?

- It's a dragon, dip knob.
- I know that's a dragon.

I'm talking about the
talking cat in my bedroom.

Jerry, why would I give
Morty a talking dragon

and you a talking cat at the same time?

Those concepts bump.

If you're talking to a cat,
it's an abnormal event

unrelated to me like
when you went to Pluto

or f*cked my daughter.

Okay, there's really
no need to get savage.

CAT: So?

Eh, he says he has nothing
to do with your talking.

- Told you.
- So then why are you talking?

- Why should that matter?
- Why should it not matter?

How do I know I'm not hallucinating?

Rick said this is an abnormal event.

Do you always need Rick to
tell you what's going on?

Maybe it's time you
stopped asking questions

and started having fun.

Oh.

Wow, okay.

So, what do you want?

I want you to take us to the airport

and get us two first-class
tickets to Florida.

Why, I... I can do that.

[LAUGHING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, this is so cool!

[SIGHS]

I await your next command.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody is commanding anybody.

I love soaring through the
sky with you as equals.

W-What do you want to do?

I want to enter my lair
and sleep upon my hoard

until the Age of Man expires.

Okay.

Split the diff?

-minute nap and soar through the sky?

Ugh.

As you command.

Okay, see you soon.

T-This is fun.

Yeah, right.

What's this show called, "Ass"?

Yeah, it's like "Bones,"
but they solve ass crimes.

WOMAN ON TV: This ass is a clue.

Are these two gonna hook up?

No, and only the lame fans want that.

Don't tell me how to enjoy things.

- Go to her ass.
- That's Brenner.

Go to Brenner Ass.

Honeymoon over already?

What's that supposed to mean?

Admit it, Morty. Dragons suck.

Why don't you admit you don't
anyone else to be happy

because you're a sad old fart?

How do you saddle a fart?

Holy sh*t, look!

- I love you, Ass.
- I love you, Brenner.


- No.
- Shh.

- Ah!
- Whoa!

And that's the end of the

"Morty Gets a Dragon" episode.

- Are you gonna slay it?
- First off, I always slay it, queen.

- Secondly, yes.
- Should I pause "Ass"?

Nah, it's kind of boring
now that they're together.

[SNORING]

Hey, fuckface!

Will you shut the f*ck
up or at least roll over?

- [GROANS]
- Oh, no, it burns.

Oh, my God. Oh,
the fire of... of it all.

Ah, if only I had prepared better

for this terrifying
battle by remembering

the only thing dragons are known for.



Careful you don't get heartburn.

I made that android with a lot of C .

Oh, I'm sorry. I imbued it

with a remote-controlled
explode-y potion.

You have bested me.

I am at your service.

Good to be on the same parchment.

Now, I'm gonna tell my
grandson you ran off

with a low-flying
while you pack up your...

Wait, is this... Why do
you have an original

Ecto Cooler juice box from ?

I hoard that which your kind covets.

- Give you bucks for it.
- [CHUCKLES] Nice try.

What the hell else are
you hoarding down here?

Cha-ching. "Small Soldiers" Spin Pops?

- Don't open that.
- I'm not an idiot.

Hey, why do you have Future's
self-titled album on vinyl?

Look closer.

Oh, sh*t, he signed it.

Closer.

He signed it in molly and Percocet?

I could spend all night down here.

Do you indulge in volcanic fumes?

Is it gonna f*ck up my brain?

- No.
- I'll do it anyway.

Hoo, those were not cheap tickets,

but, um, I'm down to clown.

Uh, w-w-w-why can you talk again, uh?

It's not important, Jerry.

Okay, but why Florida?

Because they don't ask questions.

They play volleyball, they
party, and they have fun.

Right, right.

You can do this, Jerry.

I can do this. I can do this.

Ohh!

Ugh!

Oh, yeah.

JIPE: Hey, Jerry, after this game,

come to my yacht and bring your cat.

You got it, Jipe.

I got to admit, you were right.

I've got to tell you something, Jerry.

This is the happiest I've
ever been in my entire life.

WOMAN: Oh, gross! Who sh*t in the sand?

Someone took a small sh*t in the sand

and buried it with,
like, two little kicks

and just left it here like a land mine.

Why and who?

It was him.

[BOOING]

Help!

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Percocets, yeah, molly,
Percocets, Percosets ♪

♪ Percocets, yeah, molly,
Percocets, Percosets ♪

♪ Mask on, mask off ♪

♪ Gas gone, never nod off ♪

I'm being summoned by Morty.

Yeah. He's, uh, texting me.

Hmm. How are you responding?

Ugh, I tend not to,

or maybe I'll send, like,
a popular animated GIF

that could be interpreted
in almost any way.

Brilliant.

I summon thee.

I summon thee, Balthromaw.

What the hell?

Taylor Swift pumping
her hands in the air?

- What does it mean when...
- It means you're lame.

♪ Yo ♪
♪ Percocets, yeah

♪ Molly, Percocets, Percosets

♪ Percocets, yeah, molly,
percocets, percosets

♪ Mask on, mask off ♪

♪ Gas gone, never nod off ♪

What's the saying?

"Orcs work to live.
Dwarves live to work."

So dumb.

If there's ever a saying about me,

I'll fly into the f*cking Sun.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're small for a dragon, Rick.

Well, I sleep on an extra
big pile of awesome sh*t.

Then there will be sayings about you.

Your lessers will hunt you down,

and you will be owned or slain.

That's why they call it
a dying breed, brother.

Ugh! Ughh!

Oh, God.

- Ugh. My soul.
- Oh!

Oh, yeah. I'm...

I'm... I'm a dragon.

- Oh!
- Ugh, I'm bonding.

I'm bonding too.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

What the f*ck!

- Morty, I can explain.
- Stop!

Why are you still doing it?

Why does it feel better now?

I hope it's not because you're
watching, but don't go anywhere.

How did you find us?

We followed the smell
of sulfur and skankery.

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, man, ugh.
- f*ck this.

You can take this stupid
fake soul-bond contract,

and you can... mm! Ah!

No refunds.

Your dragon soul-bonded with my grandpa.

Oh, my! I am so sorry.

- That is a total violation.
- Yeah, no sh*t.

I'll take care of this at once.

You slut dragon!

- What the f*ck!
- You slut.

- Chill out, dude.
- Slut!

- Okay, that's...
- You slut!

- Y-You don't have to...
- Slut!

Shame on you!

- Shame, you slut! You slutty...
- Ow!

- ... slutty...
- Why the f*ck does it feel

- like you're whipping me?
- ... slut!

Because your soul got tangled

- in a dirty...
- Ah!

- ... slutty... slut soul!
- Ow! Ow!

- Let's go!
- Ow! Ow!

- Get to that portal, you slut.
- Grandpa, do something,

or I will tweet, and
you will be canceled.

Hey, Dandruff the Great,

lighten up and give the kid his dragon.

By whose command?

You have no magic.

Yeah, I know. I have actual power.

Not here, you don't.

True power looks like this...

Stone monster.

- Stick that up your ass.
- Oh, you're done?

I thought the rock monster was
here to introduce a physicist.

Spinal cord, uh, activate morphine.

Oh, I might be f*cked.

Lightning bridge!

Okay, he's gone. Listen up.

There's probably animals in these hills.

If you spare me, I can make
your crotch a salt lick.

Agana aksaka sapooloo.

Thank you, Morty.

Figures you'd be higher
status in Lame World.

Get your sh*t together, Lair Wrecker.

We need to rescue Balthromaw.

Morty, the moral of this story
is bros before dragons.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, if he dies while you're
soul bonded, you die too.

Morty, the moral of this story
is bros rescue dragons.

Balthromaw,

by soul bonding with multiple riders,

you have violated the treaty
between dragon and mankind.

The Dragonarchy sentences you
to hang by the neck until dead.

On the count of three.

One Dragonarchy,

two Dragonarchy, / ...

I just wanted to make sure... Three!

- [CHOKING]
- Grandpa Rick, what's wrong?

Oh, God. The wizard must
have hung Balthromaw!

Well, f*ck it. Can we go back then?

W-Well, no, no. It takes, like, years

to hang a dragon to death, so...

Aw, man. It's so annoying.

You ever, like, try to
swallow a really big vitamin

with no water? Ugh!

You know, like... [CLEARS THROAT]

really, like, big one, you know,

and it kind of gets, ugh,
stuck in your throat?

It's... it's annoying. All right.

Morty, go ahead and activate this golem.

Agana aksaka sapooloo.

[GOLEM ROARING]





f*cking dumb. All right.

Who wants to be infused with,
like, uh, unreasonable power?

Oh, can I be, like, a
sexy arrow-sh**t lady?

Yeah, whatever. There's
no rules. I don't care.

Morty, you want superpowers?

No, thanks. I'm fine. I've got my book.

All right. Good luck with that.

Let's go.

- [ROARING]
- [COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

God, it's like... have you ever
had too much orange juice,

or, like, you know how egg yolk

kind of, like, gets in your throat?

Yeah, we get it. Come on and hurry.

W-We got to free Balthromaw.

- Upsulu...
- I got this.

Morty, how's that book
working out for you,

you f*cking d-d-dumb-ass?

Huh. You know what? You're right.

I could get used to this magic stuff.



There's Balthromaw.

Check this sh*t out. Watch this.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't even look.

Don't even bother looking.

Just f*cking let magic guide your arrow.

Summer, what the hell are you doing?

- Take this seriously.
- Shut the f*ck up, Morty.

Stop trying to pretend like magic
involves skill or thought.

Summer, make it look like it's
coming out of your butthole.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah!

Oh, f*ck, my f*cking eye, oh!

What in the Medieval
equivalent of tarnation...

Jesus Christ!

Summer, you f*cking idiot!

Power of feet.

Uh, ow, f*ck!

I take it all back!

I f*cking hate magic!

Ah!

Slut thief!

You're a slut thief!

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Pretty fun boat, fun people.

That's great, not being
asked why I can talk.

I'm a talking cat, but "Who
cares why?" is my point.

Well, nice talking to you for no reason.

Jorge, that was a good one,

but do you know what a
peanut butter gargoyle is?

Nah, what's that?

Dude, it's when you take the chick,

- put her feet on a cathedral...
- Sorry to interrupt, guys.

Just want to clarify, are
these real sex positions?

Because if they are,

how are they gratifying
to the male at all?

And if the goal is to make something up,

why not make up something... funnier?

I'm asking too many questions, aren't I?

How ironic.

Get out of Florida,

- you overthinking cat.
- Why don't you go overthink

sh*t up north in Georgia?

ALL: Hate that cat.

You got any money for a cab?

Why ask questions?

Why not just have fun?

I deserve that.

WIZARD: Attention, citizens of Draygon,

a slut dragon has escaped.

Anyone caught harboring
it is also a slut.

- That's how it goes.
- Ow, my eye.

It pains me that you can feel my pain.

Yeah, how about you suck your d*ck.

Which is also somehow my d*ck?

Aw, why can't couples that start
out cheating ever end up happy?

M-Maybe I can find

that wizard's portal spell
in here and g-get us home.

How about finding the
spell that unbinds me

from your f*cking dragon?

DEBRANAVOX: No spells can do that.

Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.

Uh, who the f*ck are you?

Who are we? Who the f*ck are you, bitch?

Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons.

We live in these slut
caves where we f*ck,

suck, and eat butt and we
kindly ask that you leave.

If the wizard knows we are
here, he will imprison us.

Yeah! We like it down here

'cause we can f*ck woolly
mammoths. Get out!

- Get the f*ck out of here, Michael!
- Shut up, Michael!

You're the only one
that fucks that thing.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Well, at least I'm not into sh*t play.

- f*ck you!
- Hey, wait!

Everybody stop, stop!

Listen, this is all my fault.

I started all this when I
tried to control Balthromaw,

and that was f*cked up.

Nobody should control anyone,

especially that guy up there.

And, um, you can eat butt
if you want, I guess.

- I, uh...
- I got this, Morty.

Okay, listen up, slut dragons!

Wouldn't you rather be sluts up there,

have a f*ck world
instead of a f*ck cave?

What's wrong with you?

This man with a ponytail
makes a valid point.

All dragons are sluts deep
down, even the ones up above,

but we would have to k*ll
the wizard to be free.

He is too powerful.

There is a way to k*ll the wizard.

Whoa. Who's this mysterious character?

Shadow Jacker, you haven't come out

of your masturbation cave in eons.

It's high time I emerge
from my cum cocoon.

I grow tired of eavesdropping
and masturbating

to the sounds you all make.

Jesus Christ. All right.
C-Could use a little more mystery.

Oh, oh, just now seeing the staff.

We've never had enough
sluts to defeat the wizard.

Now, with the four fresh, wet sluts

that just landed on our doorstep,
we finally have a chance.

So k*lling the wizard
will break my soul bond.

Yes, it solves all of our problems.

We must begin a -slut soul orgy...

- MORTY: Wait, wait, what?
- ... and become the all-slut

slut phoenix dragon,

- Slut.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Hold on. There's got to be
something else in here.

There's got to be another way.
Just give me a second.

I haven't read all this yet.

[ALL MOANING]

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

Maybe don't tell your
parents we did this?

[MOANING CONTINUES]







Oh, oh, no. Oh... wait, please, no!

Ice spell! Ice spell!

Oh, God!

That just made it last longer.

Ah, it burns longer!

Ah, I could have d*ed fast!

Thank you, strangers.

Well, it's your world now.
Have fun with empowerment.

It seems to make everyone
that gets it really happy.

All right, guys. I'll use
this to open a portal.

Uh, open a portal to Earth.

Let's get the hell out of here fast.

God, look at this piece of sh*t.

Why is there writing on it?
Who writes on a portal?

Should've taken me up on those
Wolverine claws instead, Morty.

Wait, why did the dragon come?

I was thinking we could hang out?

Oh, yeah. Whoa, Jesus.

Your dad's been texting
me this whole time?

Uh, he's at an airport with a cat.

Okay, that... That sounds... wow.

You know, I better check on him.

Big season finale right there, you know?

Better, uh... Better go right now.

Also, I told you not to
get a dragon, Morty.

This is your fault. f*ck you,

- worst adventure ever.
- Worst adventure ever.

Yeah, uh, I guess you better be
on your way too, Balthromaw.

Well, I've been thinking.

What you said back there in the
cave really resonated with me.

Maybe we could try again?

Look, to be honest,
I'm kind of grossed out

with the sexual nature of
how everything unfolded.

I didn't know how sexual dragons were.

I kind of just wanted to do
some D&D stuff, you know?

And have a soul orgy with
your sister and grandpa

and every dragon we could find, yeah?

No, look, can you please just go?

I-I-I really want to shower.

Maybe a quick soul bone before I go.

I-I-I-I'm good.

I think I just need to be alone

and sort of un... unpack all this.

What about your grandpa?

Would he want to? I can wait.

No, I think you better go.

I-I'm gonna take that shower.

If it's just warm liquid you
want trickled over your body,

- I could maybe...
- No, no, look.

I just want to be clean!

I-I-I feel dirty after
everything that's happened.

How about a quick hand bond?

- I like doing it.
- You're embarrassing yourself.

I-I-I'm closing the door.

f*cking soul teasers.

This is a cool car. I like having fun.

That's what I'm talking
about. Keep it moving.

Don't ask why I can talk.

- Mm, mm, mm.
- Uh-huh.

For sure. For sure.

Where are we going?

Quantum radiator might
need some nanowater.

We... We can stretch our legs.

[BOTTLES CLATTER]

So, uh, why can you talk?

What is this?

I need you in one spot
for a clean mind scan.

Mind scan? Look, you're overthinking it.

The point of a talking
cat is to have fun.

I find the insinuation
that I can't ask questions

and have fun condescending.

- Y-You find it condescending, Jerry?
- Yes.

All right. I'm from outer space.

- Happy?
- No.

Exactly, because no answer
would be satisfying.

Because it's a lie.

Let's see the truth.

What in the...

[EXPLOSIONS]

Oh, son of a bitch.

- Jerry, don't.
- I want to see.

No, you do not.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- At least now maybe...
- Get the hell out of here!

- But I've got nowhere to go.
- Get out!

- Get out!
- Get out!

[CRYING]

[CRYING]

He was in my home where I
keep photos of my parents.

Jerry, I have a device.

I-It can make us forget.

No, I don't think we should forget,

not this.

Someone has to remember.

Someone will.

Did we crash?

Where's the cat?

He, uh, ran away.

- Did you scan his brain?
- Yeah.

Did you find out why he can talk?

He's from outer space.

Outer space?

That little... [CHUCKLES]

Of course, total mindfuck.







Now, that's what I call draggin'.

What? It's a joke.

You're a dragon draggin' your stuff.

I understand.

So, how you doing?

I grow weary of you humans.

How about bucks?
You weary of bucks?

I'm trying to cheat on my wife.

I'm looking for a little
magic, a little fantasy.

You could use some help.

Let's help each other, huh? bucks.

[ROARS]

Slut.

Nice.

Is there a reason you can speak?

Yeah, and I'm ashamed of it.

Then speak of it no more.

Do you wish to eat, maybe bond a little?

Yeah, I could bond.

How long does it take
you to fly to Florida?
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