02x09 - Being Happy; Pillow Fight; Imaginary Friend

[bunniefuu]

Forrest: Previously on Review...

What would it be like to k*ll a person?

man: Is he gonna do it?

We have told him not to do it.

[g*nsh*t]

Forrest: Ohh...

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

♪ ♪

Over here.

♪ ♪

Forrest.

Hmm? Oh.

Yes.

Hello.

How's it going, Forrest?

Pretty bad.

Ever since our last episode, I... just been having this recurring nightmare where I...

I shake a magic 8-ball toy and the lifeless head of my victim bobs up... into the portal.

As if to say, "Outlook not so good."

Okay.

First up comes Sharon from Inverness, Florida.

The Sunshine State.

When my parents read my new poem about a butterfly nostalgic for its caterpillar days, they sent me to a shrink who wrote me a Lexapro prescription.

I mean, what, am I just gonna be, like, happy all the time?

What's that like?

Oh. Re... oh.

Wow. Okay.

That's a big relief.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, that could've been anything.

"What's it like to be happy all the time?"

I like that one.

Uh-huh.

I don't know what's in store for me now, but it hardly matters 'cause no matter what it is, I'm gonna be happy. All the time.

Forrest voice-over: Even for someone who isn't constantly thinking about the human being he k*lled, it can be difficult to maintain a constant state of happiness.

Lucille, do you see that the sun is shining today?

Yeah. Did you read the article that says our sunscreen is totally ineffective?

Happily, no. No, I did not.

We're all gonna die of skin cancer.

I'll send you the link.

Always happy to receive a link. [chuckles]

Forrest voice-over: The world has a way of trying to bring people down, but a happy person finds solutions to little problems like the deadly rays of the sun.

Why don't the two of you go out and find me a parasol? Huh?

Oh, I don't know how to do that.

That's great because now you have a chance to learn something, right?

Hey, and while you're at it, you know what else would make me happy?

Uh... get me a treat.

Like a sweet treat. [smacks lips]

That will make me happy. Thank you so much.

[whistles] Hey.

Forrest voice-over: Being happy about everything the universe brought my way was clearly a bizarre way to go through life.

Hey, Lucille, look who found some effective sunscreen after all.

Forrest voice-over: And it was made all the more complicated but a surprise visit from my ex-wife.

Oh, Suzanne. Oh, wow.

Oh, great. Okay.

Could you put the parasol down?

I'd be happy to.

I just want to sit and talk.

Oh.

The thing is, Forrest...

Uh-huh.

I've decided that what would be best for me, and for Eric... would be best for both of us, Mm-hmm.

Is if we were to have... a little break from you and whatever effect that you may be having on our lives.

Forrest voice-over: This was terrible news, but given the parameters of this review, there was only one way to react.

[chuckles]

Yay. [laughs]

Yay?

Well, yeah. I think it's...

I think that's great.

You do?

I do. I do, I do, I do, I do.

[laughs]

Oh, okay, 'cause I-I... you know, I'm surprised.

I thought you were gonna, like, literally freak out and start, like, throwing things and...

[laughs]

No, I can see why that's a good idea.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

Well, good, because I... what I would like to do...

Uh-huh?

Is for you to waive all of your visitation rights and have no contact with us at all.

Bye-bye, visitation rights.

[chuckles]

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yup.

What is this?

Are you on something, or...

No, I'm not on anything, I'm just...

I'm just... What you're saying makes me happy.

It does?

It does. It really makes me happy.

To not see me and Eric at all?

Um, how long were you thinking for the break?

Well, I was thinking something around two months.

For starters. With no contact...

Forrest voice-over: If I weren't so very happy, I might have begged her to change her mind.

Hooray.

Hooray?

Yes. See, I think two months is gonna go by just like that! [laughs]

Forrest voice-over: And the happy news kept coming.

man: Are you Forrest MacNeil?

Yes, I am.

Stand up and put your hands behind your head.

You're under arrest for homicide.

Okay, uh...

What's happening?

Suzanne: Homicide?

Stand up.

Put your hands behind your head.

Suzanne: Forrest, what did you do?

Yay! It's great to hear my rights.

You have the right to remain silent...

There they go.

You have the right to an attorney.

I'm so glad for the Constitution.

I'm so glad we got rid of the king...

If you cannot afford an attorney...

So we have rights now.

One will be provided for you.

Suzanne: Forrest, did you k*ll somebody?

I will see you in two months, Suzanne!

Forrest!

Forrest: I get to take a ride in a police car!

Forrest voice-over: Somewhere in the process of being charged with m*rder, interrogated, arraigned, and transferred to the County Jail, I decided to put life reviewing on hold until this very serious matter could be resolved.

What are you doing?

They gave us permission to sh**t here.

Forrest voice-over: Then I got a visit from my producer, Grant.

You wanna kee...

You wanna keep doing the show?

Oh, yes.

No, I can't...

Sorry, I can't... think about that right now.

You know, if I'm convicted, I'm looking at life in prison.

Okay?

I need you to look at life... in prison.

I need to be totally focused on getting the [bleep] out of here.

Okay? Can you help me with that, please?

I thought... I had thought you were here to bail me out or something.

So you wanna stop the show now?

At this point it is making for incredible television.

I just... Grant, I need to go home.

Okay? Or back to the office.

Forrest, look, where this gets done is less important than who does it.

Everyone is so grateful for the sacrifices that you make.

They look up to you, they're inspired by you.

Forrest voice-over: What Grant was proposing sounded completely unreasonable, but his argument was compelling.

Oh, my God, do you remember how amazing you were at the orgy?

Well, yeah, I mean...

Let me tell you something, the footage from Happiness, makes that look like the saddest [bleep]-fest ever.

It's making me feel happy.

Oh.

That's the effect it's having.

Yeah, it felt great and then they arrested me.

So, imagine people seeing you here in prison.

How inspiring it will be to people.

Don't let the people down.

Forrest voice-over: Once again I was reminded that there were people out there and they count on me to do this work.

I could not give up just because I happen to be in jail.

Grant had given me the juicer to take prison and turn it in to prisonade.

Trying to be happy all the time led me to the thought, "How much control do we have over our emotional life?"

Is it something that we receive helplessly, like the weather, or is it something that we can control?

Like the weather.

Uh, no, my point was that the weather is something that you can't control.

But what if you move to Hawaii?

Yeah, that would be a way of controlling the weather.

[clears throat] Constant happiness may seem like the most absurd way to live, but it is also, perhaps, the least absurd way to live.

And, so, I give it...

Three stars.

Zing.

What is next for me, A.J.?

Hmm, Donnie from Laurinburg, North Carolina wrote: "Dear Forrest, my upbringing was very strict, we weren't even allowed to drink milk because Father said it reminded him of tantalizing breasts. I've since grown up and had milk, of course, but I've still never had a pillow fight. What's that like?"

So, ignore all the milk stuff, but what's it like to have a pillow fight?

Am I understanding what you said there?

Sounds like it.

Zing.

[buzzer alarms]

Forrest voice-over: Unlike most pillow fights, this one would have to take place in a County jail where I was awaiting trial for m*rder.

I requested a meeting with the prison psychiatrist.

You wanted to see me for something?

Yes, I think I have figured out a way to reform the chronically violent.

I want to organize a pillow fight.

And I know that sounds crazy, but the idea is that it could divert everyone's aggressive feelings into harmless fun.

So what do you say?

May be worth a sh*t.

Is that a yes?

Forrest voice-over: Apparently that was a yes because later that day a guards versus prisoners pillow fight received official approval.

Did you see that? We're gonna have a pillow fight on Tuesday.

You are all cordially invited to a prisoners versus guards pillow fight.

It's gonna be a little bit fun.

[laughs] I'm pretty sure.

Forrest voice-over: The life of an accused m*rder*r behind bars is a lonely and frightening one.

This pillow fight seemed like a good opportunity to get to know people and to take my mind off of the terrible guilt that was consuming me.

This pillow fight was MacNeil's suggestion, so let's all thank him for coming up with a new activity for you all.

[applause]

It's my pleasure.

All right, MacNeil, this is your baby.

You wanna start us off?

Well, I mean, listen, the great thing about a pillow fight is the simplicity of it. My question for you is: "Hey, who is ready to feel like a kid again?"

[laughs] Okay.

The other thing that I want to tell you about pillow fights, just so you're aware, is that in a pillow fight, you never know when you might get a sneak-att*ck.

[laughs] I surprised you, right?

See that? Okay...

Well, come on, now. Oh, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Let's all join in. All right?

Let's have a pillow fight!

[laughs]

[grunts]

Oh, [bleep]!

[groans]

Hey, hey, hey!

[grunting, groaning]

They're [bleep]ing weighted!

Forrest voice-over: I had not considered that while these men may have been novices at pillow fighting...

Forrest: Where did the weights come from?

Forrest voice-over: They had expertise at smuggling items into places they did not belong.

Stop it! Stop it!

Forrest voice-over: Places like prisons... and pillowcases.

The resulting melee was a terrifying horror to behold.

You set us up, MacNeil!

What? I didn't do anything!

Oh, you did!

[screams]

[electricity crackles]

[screams]

[police siren blaring]

Was it darkness within the hearts of the pillow fighters that turned innocent sleeping equipment into improvised... deadly weapons?

Or is pillow fighting a twisted bloodsport in disguise, a feather-stuffed form of combat that inspires brutality in otherwise gentle creatures?

No way to know for sure.

What I do know is that my dreams of world peace and my nose were shattered together in one fell swoop.

And, so, I am forced to give pillow-fighting... just one... oh, sorry.

I want to get the plies together.

Toilet paper.

One star.

Zing.

What is my next review, A.J.?

Okay...

Mm-hmm.

The next one was Tweeted to us from @CrazySonOfABeth.

"Dear Forrest, our six year old recently

"told us about her imaginary friend.

"We haven't liked any of her real friends

"and are worried we're not gonna like this one, either.

What's it like to have an imaginary friend?"

Ooh... yikes.

Oh.

Well, I'm not afraid of that.

What's it like to have an imaginary friend?

I will find out and I'll let you know.

Forrest voice-over: I had been feeling oppressively alone and plagued by dark thoughts, so I was greatly relieved that this review gave me someone to talk to.

I got bad news. You fell right into my trap.

Forrest voice-over: I named him Clovers.

He was kind, respectful, and admiring.

We hit it off beautifully.

Oh, yeah. I guess I am pretty good at this.

Thank you. That's nice of you to say it.

Forrest voice-over: We shared the same sense of humor.

I don't know. How does Yoda order a pizza?

Oh. [laughing]

You're gonna get in trouble for that.

I would never tell a joke like that.

[laughing]

That's a good one.

Forrest voice-over: We trusted each other completely, and confided in one another.

Yeah, so then she tells me that she wants a two month break from me contacting her.

Hey, I don't even know your situation.

Are you single? Married or...

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep].

I'm actually not talking to you.

I'm talking to Clovers, okay?

Kind of nosy. [chuckles]

Forrest voice-over: Perhaps after all I'd been through, I was not thinking clearly, but this imaginary person had come to mean a great deal to me.

I set out to be the best friend I could ever be to anyone.

I would like you all to meet my new friend Clovers who is gonna be joining us for lunch.

Okay?

You must have got hit in the head pretty hard, MacNeil.

There's no one there, man.

They're just hazing the new guy.

Forget about it, Clovers. Just ignore 'em.

Hi, what are you doing? Excuse me.

No, no. Hey. Whoa, no, no, no. Excuse me.

Sorry, no. You're sitting on Clovers.

[bleep] [bleep], who's Clovers?

Clovers, my best friend, and you're sitting on him.

Right now, he's sitting there. This is Clover's seat.

I need you to get up and go sit someplace else.

[laughter]

Will you please get off of my friend now?

No, he's real comfy.

Get off of... get off of my friend.

Oh, [bleep]!

Hey, hey, hey!

[bleep]!

It's okay, it's okay.

Who wants some alone time, huh?

It's okay, everything's fine.

Clovers has very generously offered you his seat, so you can sit there, and then I, in turn, will offer Clovers my seat. He's sitting there.

And then I'm happy to stand.

Sit down.

No, the table's full.

Oh, really? Shut the [bleep] up. Sit down.

Uh, he can stand. He's gonna stand.

Hey, Clovers, question: What are you in for?

Forrest voice-over: My insistence that Clovers exist in the imagination of others had unintended consequences.

You m*rder*d your last best friend just like you always do.

Uh-oh.

Watch your back, MacNeil.

Forrest voice-over: Imaginations don't always agree.

You're gonna [bleep] MacNeil's mouth before you slice him up and k*ll him?

all: Oh! [laughter]

When you say [bleep] my mouth, you just mean have a conversation, right? Yeah.

Forrest voice-over: I was now locked in a checkers match to control the story of my friend.

Oh, Clovers, just like that.

Hey, hey, hey. You got to leave Clovers alone.

First of all, it's none of your business what Clovers and me do.

Secondmost, it's his idea.

We're trying to have a gentle, romantic moment here.

Oh! Whoo!

Forrest voice-over: This inmate, an armed robber named Cassius, may have started it, but in no time at all, sex with Clovers had become the new prison slang for masturbation.

[prisoners shouting]

Everybody all at the same time. How is that even possible?

Cassius: Get the balls, Clovers. Oh! Oh!

Forrest voice-over: I had now had enough human contact with my fellow prisoners to know that I much preferred to be left alone with my imaginary friend.

Hey, Clovers, forget about MacNeil.

Come over here, play a little Connect Four with me.

Yeah, Clovers says, "No, thank you," okay?

We're having a good time.

Whoa, and here he comes. My man, Clovers.

Forrest voice-over: It appeared that Clovers had now become a symbol in a prison yard power struggle.

Cassius wanted to show he could take whatever he wanted from me whenever he wanted.

Oh, Clovers, that was mean.

You just tricked Cassius that you were gonna go play with him, and now you're coming back here to play checkers with me.

Oh! Oh, snap!

You were only tricking MacNeil into thinking that you were tricking me.

That's a double cross.

You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Clovers.

The triple cross? Unbelievable!

I mean, he really, really thought that you were gonna play Connect Four.

Quadruple cross!

And what are you doing?

Putting an electromagnet in your pants so you can't get up off of this metal seat?

Five cross? Unbelievable.

And the magnet doesn't work.

I understand you have to stay in contact with him so you can eventually m*rder him.

Maybe you're intimidated, you feel like you have to go over there but there's no reason for that.

Guys like this are all bluster.

What you really would like to do is dance?

Come on.

Be careful. Leave me alone.

[laughs]

Dance-off, MacNeil.

Oh, get 'em, Cas.

[laughter]

Pardon me, may I cut in?

Thank you, yes.

Oh!

Come here, buddy.

Oh, you don't like that style of dance?

Oh, traditional Irish step-dancing?

I don't know but I'll try.

Oh, you're really good at it. Look at you.

Nobody likes feeling like a leprechaun.

Time for break dancing?

Oh, break it out, MacNeil.

Who thinks that Clovers wants to be my best friend?

Yeah!

Looks like he made his choice.

Then circled the table.

He made his choice.

We're gonna play checkers.

Taking a lap to think about it. Here he comes around here.

Look it. There he goes.

The rude faces you're making.

Oh! He just put a yellow in!

Oh! He didn't do that [bleep].

You put that yellow there.

[shouting]

[guard blows whistle]

You put it there.

[shouting]

Visiting hours.

MacNeil.

You got one.

[bleep].

There he goes.

[shouting]

There he goes.

[laughs]

After you.

[bleep].

[door buzzes open]

Forrest voice-over: Having my father see me in a place like this was sure to be a difficult experience.

And one for which I would need Clovers' emotional support.

Clovers, this is my dad.

Dad, this is Clovers.

Uh, okay.

Hello, Clovers.

Well, I bailed you out.

[sighs]

Used the insurance money from the house.

Thank you so much, Dad.

I can't even tell you how terrible it's been in here.

Boy, it's been a crazy year, hasn't it?

Yeah.

You know?

You picked a fight with that guy for absolutely no reason, and got sh*t, and nearly d*ed.

Yeah.

You broke up with that nurse in a way that she fired a g*n into the house.

And then you b*rned down the house.

And you broke up with another girl in a way that she fired an RPG and blew up the other house.

An RPG. Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Yeah.

Then you asked me fire a bunch of arrows at you and I did.

[laughter]

Scared the hell out of me, you know?

And then you got lost at sea for three months.

Yeah.

I never gave up hope.

Through it all, I told myself, "Forrest is a good boy.

He always has been."

But now a man is dead and you're charged with k*lling him.

What are your values, son?

Did I raise you to have values where it's okay to k*ll somebody?

I hope not.

So I'm out.

I just need to take care of myself now.

What are you talking about?

Good luck, Forrest.

Take care of him, Clovers.

Forrest voice-over: And just like that, my dad was gone.

I would need Clovers' kindness, support, and humor, now more than ever before.

Forrest voice-over: Having been shockingly abandoned by my ex-wife and now my father, Clovers was the only friend I had left in the world.

I just wanted to tell you that...

Forrest voice-over: And leaving jail meant I'd be saying good-bye to him too.

You know, I just wanna tell you how much your loyalty means to me.

I hope that you feel like I've been as loyal to you as you have been to me 'cause that's really what friendship is more than anything.

You think you're pretty slick, huh, MacNeil?

Stealing your best friend back from me.

Okay, guys, I have explained to you...

No more talk, McNeil.

If Clovers isn't my friend, he's nobody's friend.

[grunting]

What are you doing?

No! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! No, no, no!

Playtime is over, MacNeil.

Watch your ass or you're next.

[grunts]

Clovers, I got to get you to the doctor right now.

Cassius: He's dead, MacNeil, we stabbed him in the heart.

[somber music]

[weeping]

Oh, no.

Oh, God, Clovers.

Forrest voice-over: Of all the things this show had taken from me, the loss of Clovers, who had understood and accepted me completely, felt like the greatest tragedy of them all.

It was real and totally irreversible.

And it revealed to me the utter pointlessness and cruelty of everything that my life had become.

What the hell are you doing?

They k*lled Clovers.

Come on, it's time to go. You're out.

You just gonna leave him there?

Forrest voice-over: When I began my imaginary friendship, I saw it as as an imaginary two-way street between Clovers and me.

But soon, it came to feel more like an imaginary chaotic multi-street intersection with traffic laws so Byzantine and confusing it's hard to imagine the result being anything but bloody and tragic mayhem.

In other words, imaginary friendship turned out to be one holy mess.

And yet, Clovers did keep my loneliness at bay.

So I give having an imaginary friend three stars.

[triumphant music]

Well, that's all the time we have for Review.

Good night.

Good night and good dreams.

I don't know, why don't giraffes eat lollipops?

I give up. Why not?

[laughs]

That's silly.

[laughs] You're really funny.