01x04 - Smells Like Camp Spirit

[bunniefuu]

Welcome! Boys, girls... Dinosaur.

(Growling)

We're here tonight to kick off Camp Kikiwaka's bestest tradition, the ceremony to pick the Guardian of the Spirit Stick!

(All groaning)

Respect the Stick, people!

Or, I'll take away your bathroom privileges and the woods will be your toilet.

That would be an upgrade.

Our camp founder, Jedediah Swearengen, whittled this sacred Stick from an ancient pine that was struck by lightning.

As was Jedediah, whose wife left him shortly thereafter.

Because he was hit by lightning?

No, he was just emotionally distant.

Since then, we've honored the Stick out of respect to the woods and its spirits.

Because of this, the camp and the forest have lived in harmony.

I guess the forest turns a blind eye to Gladys' daily raw sewage dump.

Guys, being Guardian of the Stick gets you mad respect.

But, if the Guardian loses the Stick, the wood spirits will flip out!

And the Guardian's entire cabin will be cursed with bad luck!

That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as bad luck.

If that's true, how did I end up here?

And now, we will toss the Stick up in the air, and whoever it touches first will be the new Spirit Stick Guardian!

Oh! (All gasping)

Oh!

The Stick has fallen! Emma Ross is the Guardian!

She cheated! She has giant man shoulders!

(Gasping)

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪

(Roaring)

♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Emma, you got lucky.

When the Stick chose me, it nailed me right in the mouth and I had to get a whole new set of teeth.

Wanna hold 'em?

Thank you, but no.

I don't know why people are so excited about a stick.

Just once I wish the Spirit Stick would choose me.

Hazel: I choose you.

Hazel, are you under the bed?

I'm everywhere. Get used to it.

Hazel, we know you're here to steal the Spirit Stick.

She does it every year so she can become the Guardian.

What? No! I'm just here for an impromptu under-bunk inspection.

And, you failed, Emma!

See ya, Xan, through your window.

Xander, you might wanna invest in some curtains.

And a taser.

Hey, Ravi, let's go on the roof and drop water balloons on the girls!

Sorry, I am not a big fan of water right now.

You will be, once this bad boy splashes over Hazel's head.

I'm betting she melts.

While I do believe Hazel is a witch, my problem is in order to remain a Counselor in Training, I must be certified as a swim instructor.

And my test is on Thursday.

And you're scared of Thursdays?

No, of swimming!

I never learned how!

And they still let you be a CIT?

Well, I may have fudged the paperwork, and by that I mean I dropped fudge on the "Yes, I can swim" box.

Dude, I can teach you how to swim.

My abuela was a dolphin.

I very much doubt that is true, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Please teach me.

You got it! And don't worry, lots of people can't swim.

Like babies and slightly older babies.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Kipling!

(Grunting) Emma: Before you go play basketball, can I get your opinion on this note I wrote? Girl to girl?

(Growling)

"Xander, you're awesome and I want to make your dream of being the Spirit Stick Guardian come true!

XO, XO, XO, Emma."

(Growling)

You're right. One too many XO's.

Don't wanna come on too strong. (Chuckles)

Here's the most important thing about learning to swim, you need to find the bathing suit that makes you look hot!

Okay, that's the craziest thing you've ever said.

And I once heard you ask what an apple was made of.

Did you really ask that?

Yes, and I'll keep asking until I get an answer!

I'll teach you to swim.

But you should always research something before you attempt it.

So, let's hit the books!

No, you should hit the water, with me.

Ah, I do not care who teaches me.

I just need to learn by Thursday.

Who are you gonna trust, Miss "I know how to read," or your best bud in the whole wide world?

Yesterday, you threw dirt in my oatmeal.

I'm a complex guy!

That's the last time I play basketball with a lizard.

Mrs. Kipling is such a sore loser.

Yeah, it's bad enough she popped our ball, she didn't have to pee in our water bottles.

Guess what?

I gave the Spirit Stick to Xander!

(Both gasping) Oh, no, you didn't!

Giving the Stick away means you've failed as Guardian!

Now, all of Woodchuck cabin is gonna be knee deep in bad luck!

That's not gonna happen.

The only thing we're knee deep in around here is pond scum and body odor.

And hormones. Check out that giant pimple on Zuri's nose.

(Gasping) What?

I've never had a pimple before!

Great, Emma, you give away the Stick and suddenly I can guide Santa's sleigh at night.

Look, Xander wants to be the Guardian of the Stick, and I wanna be the Guardian of Xander.

Oh, I see how it is. Sticks before chicks.

You guys are just being superstitious. Bad luck is not real.

All: Hey!

Oh!

(Groans)

That was just a coincidence! (Back cracking)

A really painful coincidence.

So, let's review the assigned reading about swimming.

The ideal rate of strokes per minute is?

Oh! Uh, 60!

Quick question, does frantically flailing your arms to flag down a lifeguard, count as a stroke?

You'll be fine, Ravi. And, no, it does not count.

Here's something that will help you.

Remember this mnemonic device, breathe, acclimate, relax, focus.

Oh, so, the acronym would be... BARF?

Exactly. It's crude, but memorable.

Now, before you even get in the water, you should be aware of the native flora and fauna of the lake.

Most notably, the Northern Water Snakes.

Snakes?

Don't worry, they'll only bite you if you're swimming near them.

How will I know if I am near them?

If they bite you.

Okay, Tiffany, my turn to teach Ravi.

No! We're making progress here.

Please. The closest he's come to getting wet is when he licked his finger to turn the next page.

He's not ready to get in the water yet. We have to take baby steps.

Exactly! Which is why I got this.

Well, this is embarrassing.

On the other hand, my swimming test is tomorrow.

Quick question, which is the shallow end?

Just jump in, big guy.

Ha!

This is not so bad.

(Chuckles) Wait, wait, what is that?

(Screaming) The snakes are biting!

(Screaming)

(Laughs) That's just the hose!

Hey, Emma, I saw you get wiped out by that wakeboard.

When I replay it in my head, it just gets better and better!

(Laughing)

We need to get that Spirit Stick back from Xander before any more wakeboards take out the rest of us Woodchucks.

Yes, and before my pimple erupts like Mount Vesuvius and wipes out half the camp.

(Scoffs) For the last time, there's no such thing as bad luck.

(Gasping)

(Gasping)

Oh, I should've read this sign before I took it off the bench.

Okay, the bad luck is real! Let's get that Stick back!

Ooh, if you see that cute guy Duke from Eagle cabin, just sit down and play it cool.

(Knocking at door)

Xander, it's Emma!

Are you there? Oh, Emma!

Hey, thank you so much for the... (Screams)

That must have been one big bird.

Right, it's blueberry bird poop.

Anyway, thanks so much for giving me this. Being the Guardian is awesome.

Do I look taller? I feel taller.

Yeah, about the Stick...

(Thuds) Ow!

(Indistinct arguing)

I was trying to cover. No, no, we're one.

Stop it, stop it, you're walking too fast.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

What happened to you guys?

Bad luck happened, because Emma gave you the Spirit Stick, we got bench butt!

And my face looks like pepperoni pizza!

I said I'd do the talking!

(Sighing) Xander, we would really appreciate it if you could give the Stick back.

But you gave it to me. With a nice note. Did you not mean all those XO's?

(Gasping) Of course I did. I'll get you something else.

Do you like baseball? I'll buy you season tickets. Or a team!

You realize if I give the Spirit Stick back, then my cabin will have bad luck?

Yes! So, we're agreed. How do you feel about the Yankees?

(Indistinct arguing)

Xander: No way! ...for absolutely nothing.

(Screaming)

(Groaning)

You know we have to move in sync!

Didn't you learn nothing in the bathroom?

Look, I am swimming.

I think he's improving.

Remember to synchronize your arms and legs Like the book said. (Chuckles)

Your books were no help at all!

That's why my motto is, "Never read."

That explains so much about you.

Jorge: Hey!

I know how to get him in the water.

But we might have to do something a little loco.

(Gasping) You mean, like sneaking out of the camp and going to the town library?

I've been mapping that out since day one. No.

We need to get physical.

I don't like you like that.

I meant, if I pretended to get a cramp, Ravi will jump in, and swim to save me!

That is a horrible idea! I do not condone lying...

Unless it's doctoring your age to get into the high school spelling bee.

Stand back. You're in the splash zone.

Help!

Ravi!

Do not worry, Jorge, I will save you!

(Thuds) Ouch!

(Groaning)

Good afternoon, ladies.

Don't worry, I'm okay.

I am not. Could you possibly paddle me over to the infirmary?

Xander's gonna be back soon. We've got to find the Spirit Stick!

Remember, they can't know we were here. So, don't disturb anything.

What? Jorge's a slob. If anything, I'm making it look nicer.

Hey, I think I found a hiding place!

Nose hair remover... jock itch powder. Ugh!

Wart remover?

Oh, please, please let these not be Xander's.

Argh! Where is that stupid Spirit Stick? We've looked everywhere!

(Door unlocking) (Gasping) Hide!

(Zuri whining)

(Chuckles) You know I can see you all, right?

Heya, slugger...

Hey... You're trying to steal the Spirit Stick.

(Scoffs) Well, we wouldn't have to, if you'd given it back like a gentleman.

It was a gift! What kind of person asks for a gift back?

Someone whose tush is full of splinters!

Meanwhile, we haven't found it.

Although, we found a lot of weird stuff in that hole in the wall.

You did? (Chuckles nervously)

Yeah, that stuff's Jorge's!

Oh, thank goodness.

Mmm-hmm.

We even checked Jorge's dirty laundry. I can never unsmell that.

But I hid it in his laundry. It has to be there.

It's not here!

Well, if we didn't find it, and you didn't move it, then who has it?

All: Hazel! Duke!

Sorry, I just can't get him out of my mind.

I'm gonna get that Stick!

No way!

Lou: Get him!

(Shrieking)

I've had dreams like this, but I was much happier.

Hey!

Get off my man!

I don't want him. You can have him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't just give him away. Trade him for the Spirit Stick!

If I had the Stick, I wouldn't keep it a secret.

I'd be waving it in front of your face going, "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah."

Wow, I thought she was annoying before the "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah."

Well, if none of us has the Stick, then we better figure out where it is, or we are in a world of trouble.

What happens if the Spirit Stick is completely lost?

The entire camp gets bad luck.

The last time it happened was 1958. Poison ivy got into the food.

The kids itched so bad they had to eat sandpaper to scratch their insides.

(Both shuddering)

So, if we can't find the Stick, then that means we're all cursed!

(Thunder crashing)

Quick question, where's the nearest bus stop?

I should be the one to talk to him. He looks up to me.

You mean, down at you. On account of you being vertically challenged.

Oh, you had to go there!

(Indistinct arguing)

Guys, guys, guys, please do not fight.

I know I let you both down.

I'm not the Michael Phelps you thought I would be.

Ravi, the only person you're letting down is yourself.

Wow, that was deep!

As your CIT, I should be teaching you, not the other way around.

I am a failure on so many levels.

You are not!

Ravi, you know everything you need to know to swim.

You just have to jump in the water.

And you almost did when you tried to save Jorge.

But instead I landed in a canoe, broke one oar, and at least two ribs.

Neither of which were mine.

Dude, you have to believe in yourself.

Again, that was super deep. I am on fire!

Perhaps you are right!

I will do my darndest to pass that swimming test!

Great! Now go out there and BARF.

I feel confident that will happen one way or another.

Did you find the Spirit Stick?

No, just a horde of fire ants. Now, the bad luck is biting.

I have bites in places you don't wanna imagine. I'll imagine...

(Thunder crashing)

We came up empty-handed, too. But, we did run into a stampeding herd of moose.

Meese? Mice? Nope.

So, the Spirit Stick really is gone!

We're doomed!

(Wind howling) (All gasping)

Did you feel that?

The wood spirits know we lost the Stick and they are peeved!

They're gonna have to shut down the camp.

I never should've given the Stick away. This is all my fault.

No argument from me.

Uh, well, technically Xander had it last.

So, if you really think about it, it's all his fault!

(Pole groaning) (Screaming)

Who cares whose fault it is? We need to fix it!

Underneath all these pimples, I am too cute to die!

She's right. And I have an idea, but it's crazier than... well, Hazel.

Great wood spirits, we offer you these sacrifices in exchange for lifting the curse on Camp Kikiwaka!

Please accept this frozen turkey dinner that doesn't expire until...

Okay. It expired last August, but you can appreciate the thought.

And, I offer my favorite pair of shoes.

I thought you hated those shoes!

(Shushing)

And, I offer my favorite stack of cash.

Bye, bye, Benjamins.

I offer my favorite hair doll made from locks of Xander's hair.

So, that recurring nightmare I have of you cutting my hair is real?

We have our best talks when you're asleep.

Maybe we should move on.

I offer my... good friend Jorge's wart remover.

Great wood spirits, we humbly beg your forgiveness.

So, we cool?

(Thunder crashing) (Screaming)

I don't think we cool.

Please, great wood spirits!

Don't punish the rest of the camp just because I was a bad Guardian!

No, Emma, I was the bad Guardian. I had the Stick last.

Punish me, wood spirits!

(Shrieking)

Actually, you should just punish Emma.

Drain her bank account and mess up her face!

Well, the wind has settled, the sky is blue...

My pimple is gone.

I do feel another one coming in, but that could just be puberty.

I think the sacrifices worked!

I must have a real knack for performing ancient rituals.

Hey, you ready for your swim test, bro? Absolutely!

I am going to BARF.

No, dude. It's going to be okay.

You've got this, Ravi.

She's right. Now get out there, Tiger, and make us proud.

And, after, we'll go out for ice cream.

Goodie!

Okay. Breathe, acclimate, relax, focus.

Aw, he BARFed just like I taught him!

And, he jumped just like I taught him.

I am doing it! I'm like a dolphin at play!

Great, Ravi, you're nailing the strokes!

Now, you just have to swim underwater.

A piece of crab cake.

Our baby's all grown up.

Next thing you know, he'll be going off to college.

He's been under there a while.

Maybe we were wrong, and the sacrifices didn't work!

Because Emma sacrificed shoddy shoes!

Who cares about the shoes? We have to help Ravi.

Don't worry, I'll save him!

Take off your shirt!

(Gasping) He's okay!

He's got the Spirit Stick!

(All cheering and clapping)

I had no idea everyone was so invested in my swimming certification.

Oh, it is about the Stick.

You take it, Emma, it was yours in the first place.

No, you take it. I gave it to you as a gift.

I'll take it.

Why are there teeth marks all over the Stick, Emma?

(Mrs. Kipling grunting)

(Shrieks)

Oh, so it was Mrs. Kipling who took the Stick out of Jorge's laundry bag.

She does love to play fetch.

Do not worry, I will retrieve it. I can swim!

(Thuds) (Groans)

(Groaning)

Hello, again.

Jorge and Tiffany, thank you again for helping me pass my swim test.

You're welcome.

And, I couldn't have done it alone.

I could have.

Camp Kikiwakans!

As you know, I was chosen as this year's Spirit Stick Guardian.

And she blew it.

Anyway...

After everything that's happened, I think it would be best to keep the Stick in the mess hall, so we can all be its Guardians!

Xander: Yeah!

Bestie, you really know how to get a crowd going!

You put the "amp" in camp.

(Clicking tongue) Aw!

So, Emma... looks like we survived all the bad luck.

Yeah, well, we've had some good luck, too.

Oh, don't mind me.

You just have a little something on your shirt.

She's gonna make another hair doll.

Yeah, I got that.