01x07 - Friending With the Enemy

[bunniefuu]

It's so hot, I feel like I'm in an oven...

On the sun, in summer.

I'm sweating so much, my belly button could be a hot tub for a gnat.

Okay.

Guess, it's just you and me, Hazel.

Oh, poor Hazel.

No one wants to play badminton with her.

That's because she has the personality of a sunburn.

You should see her play soccer by herself.

It is exhausting.

I feel bad for her.

Maybe I should try to be her friend.

What? She sh*t an arrow at you, knocked you into mud, filled your pillow with fire ants.

No, wait, that was my pillow.

And I think I still have an ant in my head.

Don't do that, you'll make it mad.

Look, we're going to be here all summer with Hazel, so I'd rather be her friend than her enemy.

Bad idea.

And the ant in my head agrees with me.

But I really think I can get through to Hazel.

Hi, Hazel. Can I play with you?

(Thuds)

Told ya.

I think she's warming up to me.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(Camera clicks)

And that night when the counselor went back into the cabin, all he found were five empty beds and...

A bloody Kikiwaka claw!

(All screaming)

(Chuckles)

Wait a minute.

That's not a claw. It's a banana.

Oh. Then I must have put the claw in my cereal this morning.

That's gonna sting coming out.

(Rustling)

(All screaming)

It's... Kinda hunky. Dibs on being devoured.

(Panting)

Sorry, did I scare you guys?

Uh, of course not.

You can let go of me now. Right.

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're Dr. Hunter Brody, the host of my favorite show...

Both: For Reals!

Dr. Brody travels the world in search of strange phenomena and proves they're...

Both: For reals!

I was hot on the tail of the Kikiwaka...

Well, I mean, not right on the tail. That would be crazy dangerous.

But then the ferocious beast started chasing me, and I ended up here!

Well, thanks a lot for leading it right to us!

Why don't you just bring my mom, while you're at it?

No, no, no. The Kikiwaka took off when I ran into the camp.

Just curious, what exactly are you a doctor of?

Danger.

I do not believe that is actually a degree.

It is online.

You know, Lou, I've been thinking.

What's better than one friend?

A moose that can cook an omelet?

No. Two friends!

And that's what Hazel's going to get.

Who's the sucker you talked into that?

You.

Hi, Hazel, can we join you?

Uh, this seat is taken!

Okay, see you later!

I've got a hankering for a Denver omelet.

Anyone seen a moose with a spatula?

You know, Hazel, I just love arts and crafts.

So, how can I help you?

Chop off your limbs, so I can make a wind chime.

I was thinking more like sewing beads into pretty patterns.

Look, just because Xander is off on a camping trip, doesn't mean we can suddenly be all buddy buddy.

But, maybe we could.

You know, most people actually like me, and do not want to turn my body parts into an arts and crafts project.

Most people aren't as creative as I am.

Look, obviously we got off on the wrong foot, so to show you that I really do want to be friends, I made you this.

What's this?

A little dog collar?

Because you think I'm like a tiny, annoying little dog?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Well, you are a tad yippy, but...

Actually, this is a friendship bracelet.

Oh.

There, it looks really pretty on you.

(Chuckles) Thank you.

Wow, you probably won't believe this, but I've never gotten a friendship bracelet before.

What?

So, I guess your chat with Hazel went okay.

You're still breathing.

Yeah. You know, really I think deep down she's not a bad person.

Snake! Catch!

(Both screaming)

(Laughs) Gotcha!

(Continues laughing) Why aren't you guys laughing?

Well, I'm trying to restart my heart!

Hazel, why did you do that?

Because we're friends now, and friends prank each other!

(Chuckles nervously) Well, not with poisonous reptiles.

Hey, why don't we go feed the ducks in the lake?

Or, throw rocks at them! Great idea!

Well, that backfired.

Especially for the ducks.

Ha! I win again!

In your face!

Congratulations, you b*at us at ping pong.

And foosball.

And thumb wrestling.

Hey, I stopped when I heard the cracking noise.

You guys want to play darts?

No! Scared!

All right.

I have a surprise for you guys!

It's us.

On a hat!

Yes. It is.

That's not creepy at all.

Put them on. Maybe later.

Put them on!

(NERVOUSLY) Okay.

Yay!

Now everyone will know we're best buddies!

Usually, I love hats.

A "thank you" right about now, would be nice.

Both: Thank you.

(Chuckles) We're hat buddies!

That's a bond that will last forever!

Kind of like this hug.

Dr. Brody, can I have a selfie with you, before the Kikiwaka eats you for breakfast?

Of course.

But I'm sure when I emerge from these woods, I'll have proven that the Kikiwaka is...

Both: For reals!

And still have all my organs intact.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

(Camera clicks)

Is this tracking device the HX1138?

Or am I just in heaven?

And is this a thermographic camera?

Wow, the nanometer range on this thing is crazy!

The weather today, hot with 100% chance of nerd!

You guys really know your stuff.

Why don't you come track the Kikiwaka with me?

We could make scientific history together.

That is on my bucket list, right next to kicking a homerun.

And finding the Kikiwaka would look great on my Harvard application.

Talk about extracurriculars.

I could finally stop reading to old people.

And imagine how a discovery of this magnitude could advance scientific research.

Count me in.

Since when have you been interested in science?

I'm not. But if we capture the Kikiwaka alive, I can put it on display and make a fortune...

Well, another fortune.

Great! Let's get in the field and prove that the Kikiwaka is...

For reals!

I was just going to say out there.

You are embarrassing me.

(Panting) I think we lost her.

These last couple of days with Hazel have been the worst days in my life, and I once got locked in a funeral home over a holiday weekend!

Huh. Which holiday weekend? Does it matter?

Hey, besties! Hazel, you're here?

Yay!

Hey, why aren't you wearing your hats?

Uh... Because we're inside?

Again, I ask, why aren't you wearing your hats?

I want you to be wearing them for the good news.

I'm moving in!

(Whistles) What?

Keep coming, keep coming. Yeah.

Right next to Emma's bed.

But you can't leave your cabin. You're a Weasel!

I mean, head Weasel!

My CIT is taking over.

From now on, I'm a Woodchuck, like my two besties.

(Mimicking woodchuck)

Come on, guys. Let's go get the rest of my stuff.

(Gasps) She did not just do the woodchuck salute!

I blame you, Emma!

Hey... Ow!

Well, excuse me for trying to be nice!

Here we go. Let's do this. Come on!

Yay! Pillow fight.

Ow.

This is the most fun I've had all day!

Me too!

I can't believe Hazel has moved in.

Really? Does this sound familiar?

(Mimicking Emma) "Hey, I've got a good idea! Let's make Hazel our friend."

Okay, okay! You were right.

It was a horrible idea.

And I do not sound like that!

Do so.

Look, Hazel, we need to talk to you about...

A flat-screen? A fridge?

And an air conditioner?

Since I'm the head counselor and Gladys' niece, I can get us stuff.

Come to sweaty Mama!

Now, what were you going to say?

Oh. I was just going to say...

Both: Welcome to Woodchuck cabin!

(All laughing)

Wow!

Look at the giant claw marks on this tree!

The Kikiwaka must've made them.

Remember, I need the beast alive.

People won't pay to see roadkill.

(Beeping)

The tracking device is beeping!

(Gasps) Well, what the beep does it say?

It is picking up the vibrations of something very large in the vicinity.

It must be the Kikiwaka!

Or the cafeteria lady.

She's gotta lay off the carbs.

You have got to try the new shower massage Hazel had put in.

One of the settings is actually...

(Sighs)

I must admit, there is one lesson I've learned today.

That I was right to make friends with Hazel?

That, and if you keep your face too close to an air conditioner, you can freeze your eyes open.

(Beeping rapidly)

What does that mean?

Either the Kikiwaka is nearby...

Or it's my reminder to call my mom.

She worries.

We must be getting closer.

To making a fortune. Check this out.

Dr. Hunter: "Kikiwaka World"?

Yup, a whole island where suckers...

I mean, customers, can come and see a live Kikiwaka.

I cannot believe you want to make money from an amazing scientific discovery.

Yeah! Did Edison make money from inventing the light bulb?

Okay, bad example.

Hey, I'm only going to charge people 30 cents for a supersized soda.

Of course, they'll have to pay 20 bucks to get into the bathrooms.

(Beeping loudly)

There's something in that cave!

(Gasps) Okay, guys, this is it.

Let's go. Time to get famous!

Time to make history!

Time to get into Harvard!

Time to... (Creature bellowing)

To let Ravi go first!

You know what would make this even better?

Chris Hemsworth massaging my feet?

Don't forget my pinky toes, you Norse god.

Forget him.

For me, it's all about Larry the Cable Guy.

What? Those sleeveless flannel shirts really show off his arm meat!

No, I'm talking about...

♪ I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! ♪

(Shouts) Ice cream!

Ooh, I forgot the cherries. BRB.

I just want to thank you guys so much for letting me hang with you.

You're awesome.

I feel terrible.

Why? 'Cause there's no whipped cream?

No, because...

Did you know that the satellite Hazel put in gets Korean TV?

Ooh, Kochboda Namja is on.

Lou, focus!

I'm saying I feel bad we're just putting up with Hazel for the TV, the air conditioner, and the soft, callous-free feet!

You mean... You don't really want to be my friends?

No! I mean, yes! I mean...

I can't believe you only pretended to be my friends because I can get you all this stuff!

In our defense, it is really nice stuff.

Hazel, let me explain...

Don't bother!

Let me show you a little of what the rest of your summer is going to be like!

That was the Emma doll, right?

This must be the Kikiwaka's lair.

The hairs on my neck are tingling!

The hairs on my neck already ran away.

Maybe we should go back to camp?

Good idea.

Dr. Hunter: Don't tell me you're scared?

Wha... No!

Um, it is just so hot out here, I must have sweated away 10 pounds.

That's like half his body weight.

(Creature bellowing)

Harvard, shmarvard. I'm outtie!

Wait! You do not want to end up at Princeton!

It's in New Jersey!

(Groans) Ow, my ankle!

(Creature growling) (All screaming)

I will save you!

(Growling continues)

(Straining) Going down!

Look out!

(All screaming)

(Growling loudly)

(Growling and screaming continues)

Ow.

Dr. Brody, that was amazing!

Thanks, Zuri.

I've just proven another legend is...

For reals!

And cut!

Whoa!

That was awesome, Harold!

Go ahead and grab yourself a donut.

What in the world is going on here?

Great television, that's what's going on!

You mean, this was all fake?

Yep, but your fear was real.

My viewers are going to eat that up.

So you bamboozled us?

If that means I fooled you, then yeah!

Then that was Harold who chased us up the tree the first week we were at camp?

Huh? No.

Before yesterday, we were in Mexico, chasing a Great Dane dressed up as a chupacabra.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Area 51 to prove that aliens are...

Not going to happen.

Let's go.

For reals!

But that is the last time!

Let's go! Scrape off that gum.

I don't have all day.

Ew, this one has a tooth in it!

You know what's worse than dried gum? Dried boogers.

Ooh. One just fell in my mouth!

(Retching)

Look, Hazel, I understand that you're mad, but I really did want to be your friend.

I'm not mad.

I can't help it if your name came up on the counselor chore wheel for gum detail.

And garbage detail.

And goat enema detail.

That's not even a thing!

Actually, it is.

That goat gets backed up.

We've been stomping for hours!

Ow! Toe cramp! Toe cramp!

I never thought I'd miss emptying that goat.

Hey, someone's got to make the cranberry juice.

(Crying) I don't know if this red is the cranberries or the blood from my blisters.

Stop whining and keep stomping.

Oh, by the way, you missed one.

Oh, really?

Which one? Oh, that one.

(Hazel screams)

Looks like you got it...

With your face!

(Laughs)

(Screams) All: Oh!

(Screams) (Laughing)

Stop, stop! I have cranberries in my ears!

That's the one place I don't have them.

(Gasping)

(Screams)

(All gasping)

(Grunting and screaming)

Stop it!

You've been torturing us all day!

Preach, sister!

And you know what? We completely deserve it!

You tell her... What?

Lou, what we did was wrong.

And, Hazel, I am so sorry.

But you have to know, in the beginning, I really wanted to be your friend.

I didn't. But Emma made me.

But then why didn't we stay friends?

(Sighs) Because you made it so hard.

Lou: More like impossible.

Kinda like trying to swallow a porcupine whole.

You scared us with a fake snake, you tried to make us throw rocks at ducks, and you m*nled Lou's thumbs!

And you never once asked us what we wanted to do.

I thought we were having fun.

Every time I looked at Lou, she was giving me the two thumbs up.

That's because they were in splints!

Hazel, real friendship cannot be so one-sided.

You can't just order people around.

(Sighs) But that's the only way I'm sure to get what I want.

Oh, now I hear it.

Okay, maybe I was a little hard on you guys.

A little?

I have an ant eating a cranberry in my cranium!

But it's not easy being head counselor, and Gladys' niece.

That's a lot of pressure.

Tell me about it.

Try having a mom who's an ex-supermodel and the head of her own multi-national corporation.

You mean...

We have something in common?

(Chuckles) Looks like it.

So, maybe we could be real friends.

(Sighs) I don't know.

What about Xander?

We both like him, and he still hasn't decided which one of us he likes better.

Both: He hasn't?

(Roaring)

(Roaring continues)

(Groans)

That was pathetic!

You're about as scary as a puppy in a tutu.

Do I really have to do this?

Yes. I'm going to have a bunch of kids here tomorrow who are going to pay to see the Kikiwaka.

So?

So, I don't want them to be disappointed.

Either you scare the sunscreen off of them, or I'm gonna tell your boss that you're a fraud.

No! Please don't, I'll never get a real job.

All I have is a master's degree in acting.

You'd never know it from that performance.

I really thought we were about to find the Kikiwaka.

Me too.

I guess Mrs. Kipling is still the only ravenous beast in my life.

You know, Ravi, what you did in that cave was really brave.

You mean, falling and eating a mouthful of dirt?

No, I mean picking me up and carrying me to safety.

(Chuckles) Well...

Carrying me a few inches.

I think I even felt a muscle in your arm.

Really?

It could have been a mosquito bite.

I swell up like a balloon.

Ugh, what is that horrible smell?

(Creature bellowing)

What was that?

Do you think it's Dr. Brody trying to trick us again?

No, he is back with Zuri!

Turn off your flashlight and hide behind that bush!

(Footsteps approaching)

(Growling)

(Gasps)

That was the real Kikiwaka!

And it just went into the camp!