01x12 - Luke's Back

[bunniefuu]

(Snoring)

(Snickering)

Oh. Shaving cream? Jorge!

(Snoring)

Hey, buddy!

(Shrieks)

(Laughs) Luke?

What are you doing here?

And will I have to lie to the police about anything?

No, I came to bring you a present.

My summer school homework. (Chuckles)

That was due last Friday, so finish shaving, and get started.

Shaving cream while you're sleeping?

Classic!

(Laughs) Yeah. I call it the "sleeping Santa."

(Laughs dryly) I call it, "not funny the first ten times."

You must be Luke.

Is it true you put fake puke in Ravi's lunch box, so he hurled on the lunch lady?

Nah, that story isn't true.

Oh.

I didn't use fake puke. I used real puke.

I'm a prank purist.

(Chuckles)

That was real?

(Gags)

Dude, can I be your intern?

Sorry, I work alone.

No evidence, no witnesses, no jail time.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Well, since Ravi's doing my homework, and I have some time, let's go hit the lake!

It's not so much a lake, as runoff from a fracking operation.

Hey, Emma.

Oh, that's my boyfriend. Please don't embarrass me.

Xander, this is my brother, Luke.

Hey, man. Great to meet you. You, too.

Did you know my sister snorts when you tickle her on the elbow?

(Scoffs) I do not snort.

(Laughs and snorts)

Do you guys hear snorting?

Bartholomew?

Did my little piggy come to visit?

No, the only pig in here is Emma.

Oh, that came out wrong.

I don't know you. Identify yourself!

This is Luke.

He's our cool brother.

What? Oh, tell me I'm wrong.

So, you're Blondie McPerfect-Pants' brother?

(Scoffs) Emma's not perfect. See?

(Laughs and snorts)

Ha! That's hilarious!

(All laughing)

No, it's not!

(Blows raspberry) Ha! Oh.

Ugh.

Spiderwebs taste terrible.

That is because they are comprised of proteinaceous silk extruded from the arachnid's spinneret.

What Professor Blabs-a-lot is saying is that the webs come out of their butts.

(Chuckles)

Hmm.

I wonder if I could... No!

(Chuckling)

(Sighs)

Luke, I am happy you are visiting, but I am Jorge's CIT.

So I would appreciate it if you would show me a little respect.

Okay. But no one's ever gotten respect by asking for it.

Or by tucking a T-shirt into shorts.

Huh. Pretty cool. (Exclaims) Yes.

Un-tucking my shirt does give me a rather edgy bad-boy vibe.

I was talking about The Spot.

This is the place where Xander takes your sister to...

Chat.

Hey, look who's here.

The lame-os from Camp Pee-Pee-Kaka.

You should've seen him before he un-tucked the shirt.

Get lost.

Um...

Actually, I believe it is our turn at The Spot.

Says who?

The sign-up sheet.

See?

Not only was that disrespectful, but that was my zero-gravity pen.

Ravi, let me handle this.

You don't have a good history with bullies.

What do you mean?

Last year, I stood up to that barbarian who stole my lunch money.

She was nine.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this guy.

Just like I did when I got your lunch money back from Becky.

Okay, she was unusually large for a nine-year-old.

And I do not need you to fight my battles for me anymore.

Maybe you should let Luke fight this battle.

Because this one has facial hair.

You see that 'stache comin' in, right?

Well, I am not afraid of you, or that dirt on your lip.

Both: Ooh.

What did you just say to me?

We are done sharing The Spot.

So if you want it, you will have to fight for it.

Works for me.

I hope you guys have good dental coverage.

And if you don't, my dad's a dentist, and he needs the business.

(Chuckling) Okay. Whoa.

Hey, by fight, I did not mean bare-knuckle brawling like savages!

Uh, uh, I was thinking of a single-elimination Sudoku tournament.

He doesn't seem like a big fan of brain teasers.

(Chuckles) Why do you think I suggested it?

You know what?

I say we have a camp versus camp archery battle!

Done. And the victor gets The Spot forever!

Do you think you are man enough?

Oh, I'm more than man enough.

And I have the Bar Mitzvah video to prove it.

It is on!

Oh, and mazel tov.

That was the weirdest challenge I've ever seen.

You challenged Eric and Camp Champion To a battle for the spot? (Chuckles)

Yes, I looked him right in the chest and demanded some respect.

Ravi, Camp Champion is a sports camp.

Their motto is, "Win or sleep in the lake."

Fracking runoff.

We'll never b*at them.

I hate those Camp Champion jerks.

Last year, they snuck into the kitchen, and put mud in our meatloaf.

How could you tell?

It had more worms than usual.

And it tasted better.

Speaking of worms, Eric's the worst.

Tell me about it. I'm sorry I ever dated him.

You and me both, sister.

Both: You dated Eric?

Awkward!

If these guys are all super athletes, how are we supposed to b*at them?

Well, I'm pretty good with a bow and arrow.

Remember that time I sh*t an apple off Ravi's head? (Laughter)

It was a pimple, and it was on my nose.

Either way, that must've been a great sh*t.

So, Luke, could you give us some pointers? Yeah, sure.

(Chuckles) We do not need Luke and his pimple-popping prowess.

I will devise us a brilliant battle strategy based on Wellington's defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo.

What happened was...

Or we could just kick their butts.

I say we go with Luke's plan.

But I did not get to finish.

Exactly.

And that's how it's done, son. (Chuckles)

Dude, that was awesome!

Actually, I myself am quite the toxophilite.

I thought you were American.

A toxophilite is an archery aficionado.

Look, Ravi, you may be a taco flashlight, but archery involves some things that you're not very good at, like strength, coordination, not falling.

I will have you know, this summer I've become quite physically capable.

Really? Yes.

I am captain of the Camp Kikiwaka Trampoline Team.

Are you the only member of the Camp Kikiwaka Trampoline Team?

Perhaps.

The point is, I'm a serious athlete.

I even have my own pair of professional grade tramp socks.

I'm...

Proud of you?

And you will be even prouder when I help us defeat Camp Champion.

Watch this.

(Laughing)

Well, I don't know about defeating Camp Champion, but you sure ruined that snail's day.

I still can't believe you dated Eric.

Why don't you just take my leftovers at lunch?

Eric and I started dating on July 4th.

But I started dating Eric on July 4th.

I guess Eric got his share of fireworks.

We can't lose The Spot.

Otherwise, where will we go to... chat?

Yeah, I loved... chatting there.

Mmm-hmm.

Anyway, can you pass me another arrow, hog-chuckler?

Zuri, that's rude.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Can you please pass me another arrow, hog-chuckler?

Zuri, let's not re-snort to name calling.

I mean...

You have to be the pigger person.

Uh, um, I mean...

Don't you just hate Eric?

Among others. (Chuckles)

Fine. How about I tell you something embarrassing about me?

Oh, this is getting good.

Okay, Emma, I've never told anyone this, but... I have a fake pinky toe.

(Laughs)

Freak!

Sorry, go on.

If you're missing a toe, then how do you play This Little Piggy?

Nobody ever goes "Wee-wee-wee all the way home."

On the bright side, your other piggies can still go to market to get roast beef.

I'm not helping.

Well, if it isn't the dorks of Camp Dweeby-Waka.

You must be Eric.

How did you know?

You have a very punch-able face.

So, do you like how we redecorated The Spot?

Hey, you ruined a perfectly good b*at-up truck!

And that color does not match the rust at all.

You know, Emma, you and Eric kind of look alike.

Both: We do not.

Again, I say, punch-able face.

Hey, Xan-dork, I'm going to make you cry like a baby, just like the first time we met.

You ran me over with a Jet Ski!

It's not my fault your head looks like a buoy.

So, where's the dweeb who started all this?

Sorry we're late. Ravi's carrying the water, and I had to carry him.

These are two-liter bottles!

Loser.

(Chuckles)

You will be the losers.

My well-hydrated team will vanquish you ignominiously.

I can't hear you.

I'm up here.

I think Eric has gotten even taller.

And his ears have gotten bigger.

What? I'm an ear girl.

So, Eric, there's only three of you?

We're going to kick your...

Incredibly cute butt.

That is not what I was going to say.

Yeah, you're going to be picking arrows out of your...

Beautiful, pearly white teeth.

(Giggles)

Way to move on, girls.

All right, Camp Kikiwaka.

This is the day that Camp Champion becomes Camp Loser!

Uh, Xander, maybe... Not now.

Today we win The Spot not just for a day, not just for a week, but forever!

Uh, Xander... I know, it's a great speech.

So raise your bows and prepare to win!

Or lose.

But the battle isn't supposed to start till 2:00.

Guess your watch is slow.

Fire! Run!

(Groans) Ravi, go!

I'll cover you!

(Grunts and groans) (Arrows thudding)

Whoa!

Okay, enough covering!

Help!

(All yelling)

(All screaming)

Well, that went well.

We are getting slaughtered worse than the m*ssacre of Thessalonica in 390 AD!

Can't you just say, "They're kicking our butts"?

I thought it was implied!

Oh, water?

They're coming! Take up defensive positions!

(All screaming)

I get it, I get it, I'm out!

Jerk!

This does not look good.

I can't believe we might lose The Spot! We won't!

I did not wear tacky Velcro all day just to lose.

We would have won by now if you had let me light these arrows on fire!

Speaking of arrows, we're running out! What do we do?

I don't toe!

Did you just say "toe"?

No!

Now, let's keep f*ring, otherwise we're going to be dead feet!

I mean, meat!

You did it again!

Not on purpose!

Meanwhile, you laughed at my snort!

So you both found out you're not perfect.

Boo-hoo!

Welcome to the real world!

Great. And now, I'm out of this game, and this stupid conversation.

Emma, you may snort, but it's the cutest snort I have ever heard.

Aww. Thanks, Xander.

And you are awesome from your head to where your toe should be.

(Gasps) Oh.

I'm hit. I'm going into the light.

Hi, Grandma.

(Gasps) You're both out!

By the way, I heard what you said, And you two imperfect weirdos deserve each other. (Chuckles)

I wouldn't talk.

Emma's got a thicker mustache than you do.

(Both gasp)

Both: You're mean.

Freeze, you brown-eyed Adonis!

And I just can't help myself.

I know, he's so dreamy.

I wrote my number on this arrow.

Wait, are you trying to get back together with my ex-boyfriend?

He's my ex-boyfriend, so I can date him if I want to!

Guys, not so loud.

I'm dating that cute counselor from the Bunny Cabin.

Well, she's about to be single.

Very single!

That was easy.

(Sighs)

That did not go as planned.

If anyone asks, we were ambushed.

Well, Ravi, if there's just going to be two of us left, I'm glad it's you and me.

Thank you, brother. That means a lot.

Because I'm really thirsty.

Luke, I have more to offer our team than just water.

I no longer spend my days with my nose buried in a book.

Oh, you prefer audiobooks now?

No!

(Grunts)

I mean, being at Camp Kikiwaka has changed me.

As I tried to tell you before, I do not need my big brother to fight my battles for me anymore.

Well, now that I think about it, you did stand up to that bully Eric.

Twice.

That took guts.

Yes, especially because my nose was right in his B.O. zone.

Come on.

All right, Ravi, from now on, you're in charge.

What do you think we should do?

I'm almost out of a*mo...

(Chuckles) Watch this.

...and the only thing you can sh**t with an arrow is a sleeping snail.

Wait. I have a plan.

Does it involve the Battle of Water Shoes?

No, but it does involve my tramp socks.

I don't know where you're going with this, but you've gotta stop calling those things tramp socks.

Hey, Puke, guess it's down to us three against you two.

Do the math.

If I don't do math at school, I'm certainly not going to do it at summer camp.

Where's your dweeby water boy with the big mouth?

He ran away.

(All exclaiming)

Doesn't surprise me.

Typical Weak-iwaka coward.

It's Kikiwaka!

It's right there on the flag!

Take this, peach fuzz!

Kikiwaka team: Whoo!

Whoo!

(Cheering)

Oh.

We won, and The Spot is ours!

(Camp champions team cheering)

Not so fast!

You forgot about me, the dweeb with the big mouth!

(Camp Kikiwaka team cheering)

Nice move, Ravi.

Although, your trash talk still needs a little work.

Well, actions speak louder than words.

(All gasp)

(Cheering)

Victory is ours!

Take a hike, Camp Chump-ion.

How was that for trash talk?

Better.

And that was awesome, Ravi.

Eric: Whatever!

The Spot may be yours, but the landfill off the highway is ours.

Okay?

All: (Chanting) Ravi!

(Groans)

There, good as...

...old.

Xander, the door fell on your toe.

And you didn't even wince in pain.

Oh, right.

Ow, my real toe!

(Groans) Man, that really hurts.

I just made one of my special s'mores, extra-gooey for my hero.

Um, I am sure Luke will enjoy that.

Luke's not my hero.

Sure, I'm a huge fan of his armpit farts, but you know who my real hero is, Ravi?

Aww, who?

Rey Mysterio, Jr., the best luchador of all time!

Oh.

But after him, it's you.

Thank you, Jorge.

Hey, Emma, I'm sorry I made you snort in front of Xander, but at least I didn't tell him about that noise you make when I pull your left ear.

You do, and it'll be the last noise you ever hear.

Don't worry. I'll tell him later.

Luke, thank you again for helping save The Spot.

In return, I did all your homework.

I even spilled some nacho cheese on it to give it that Luke-touch.

Actually, I didn't come here because I needed help with my homework.

What?

I knew it. He's hiding from the cops!

Please tell me there's a reward.

The truth is, I've been getting straight A's in summer school.

You have?

Well, then why did you come all the way to Maine?

Because I missed you guys.

But I thought if I told you that, You'd think I was being a wimp. (Chuckles)

Aww, we've missed you too.

Wimp. (All laugh)

Well, okay. Wait a minute.

So that means I did 50 pages of homework for nothing?

Of course not.

I'm gonna sell it to the dumb kids.

(All laugh)