01x15 - Crafted and Shafted

[bunniefuu]

Any bites?

Only from mosquitos.

Hello, ladies.

Ravi, why are you wearing a life jacket under your shirt?

I wish to know the joy of appearing buff.

Oh, look! It's a bottle with a note in it!

I hope it's a treasure map!

I hope it's a signed poster of Chris Pratt.

I hope it is recyclable.

What? 10 cents is 10 cents.

"Being held against my will! Please send help!"

We've got to do something!

Zuri, we just found a note from somebody who's being held prisoner!

Yeah, that was me.

I threw it in the lake the first day of camp after I found a beaver tooth in my meatloaf.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Look, I know we were supposed to go out tonight, but taking the kids camping is kind of like a date.

Yeah. Except instead of perfume, I'll be wearing "skeeter k*ller."

Well, it may repel mosquitos, but it won't repel me.

(Coughing)

Actually, it will.

Maybe we can go on a date tomorrow night?

I can't. I gotta teach a guitar class.

How about Friday?

I'd love to, but I'm busy.

I have an archery safety seminar.

It's called "Arrows, the pointy end "goes away from you."

Man, ever since we started dating again, we haven't had much alone time.

Hello, fellow adventurers!

And the streak continues.

You guys excited for your first overnight campout?

Heck yeah, I can't wait to go exploring!

It's weird, he has a costume for every possible occasion, yet only one pair of underwear.

I'm hoping to document a rare and deadly beetle for my nature journal.

If I can catch it, maybe I can use its poison to cure a disease.

Or start a global pandemic that wipes out most of society.

Either way, I'll be famous.

Look, I don't wanna spend all night camping in the scary forest.

If the deadly beetles or wild animals don't k*ll us, Jorge's hot dog farts will.

It is a shame we cannot go on that overnight campout with our cabins.

I was really looking forward to roughing it.

Aren't you the same kid who has four-ply toilet paper shipped in?

Hey, even rugged outdoorsmen can have sensitive heinies.

Well, somebody's gotta build this jungle gym.

Gladys has a photographer coming early tomorrow morning to take pictures for the new camp brochure.

Oh, on a related note, the kids in Bunny cabin saw these boxes, and I promised them they could play on it tomorrow.

(Shudders) Bunny cabin.

They may be young, but their bite is fierce.

Tell me about it.

I still have a baby tooth lodged in my forearm from last week's teeter-totter tumult.

Well, time's a-wastin', so let's build this...

Klatterstallning?

Yes, apparently, Gladys saved money by ordering this from a Swedish discount store called, Argh!

That explains why the logo is an angry blonde guy ripping his hair out.

I assume the first step is to consult the instruction manual.

Nope. The first step is to start whacking stuff with a hammer.

Correction. The first step is to rescue you from the instructions.

Argh!

Oh, that's where the name comes from.

Hey, Jorge, you see those tracks?

You can tell they're from a white-tailed deer by the shape of the hoof.

And I can tell what it had for lunch, by what's on my hoof.

Wanna see?

All: No, thank you!

Your loss.

Well, this is their feeding grounds.

Deer love to eat honeysuckle.

And bears love to eat deer, so let's not hang out at the buffet.

Here. A pretty flower for a pretty girl.

Thanks, Xander!

What a perfect example of nature's fragile beauty.

Good thing you didn't try to give me a puppy.

Not to second guess you again, but according to the diagram, that board is called Ulla.

She needs to go with Oli, who you have put with Gilda.

No, I put two of the exact same four by-fours together.

I'm making a triangle, not starting a bikini team.

But you keep putting things together all willy-nilly!

Except for when you actually refused to nail Willy to Nilly!

Okay, this isn't working.

So how about you and your instructions, go build the slide structure.

Me and my instincts will handle the swing set, and we'll see who finishes first.

Very well. May the best klatterstaller win!

Ladies, come with me!

Oh. (Chuckles)

Not you, I was talking to the wood.

That does not sound any better.

Are we sure this is the safest place to camp?

Because I found a spot on the map that might be better.

Zuri, you circled a bed and breakfast.

I just finished digging the bathroom hole.

And using it.

I couldn't find any toilet paper, so I used my socks.

Better than my socks.

Hey, Jorge, why don't you study the Morse code on the back of this walkie?

And you lost me at study.

Yeah, who studies on a camping trip?

You sure do know how to party.

Here, go nuts.

Thanks.

Okay, guys. Let's unpack, and then we'll do a bunch of fun campout stuff.

Fine. Okay.

I'm gonna go hide my socks.

You know, this might be a great place for a date someday.

It's actually really romantic.

(Sniffing) You know, minus the bathroom hole.

Well, maybe once the kids are in bed, we can have like a mini-date out here.

Great idea. Too bad we have a whole night of activities planned.

Yeah, too bad.

Okay, everyone, dinner time!

Emma, you just let every hungry animal out here know exactly where we are.

You can take the big blonde one, if you let me live!

Why are we eating dinner so early?

It's still light out.

Um... Because studies show the better you see your food, the better you digest it.

That sounds true, right?

Okay everyone, who wants a s'more dog?

It's dinner and dessert all in one!

I'm in! It's all going down the same bathroom hole anyway.

All done! Don't want to get too full.

Time for the traditional campout song!

Oh, that's always fun.

♪ This is the Kikiwaka campout song ♪
♪ So clap your hands and sing along ♪
♪ You've all been fed almost time for bed ♪
♪ If you thought there was more you're wrong ♪

Great song, Xander!

And now, Emma will tell you all a scary ghost story!

It was a dark and stormy night...

Blah, blah, blah, she's been dead for 20 years, she had a hook for a hand, and she's right behind you.

(Screams) The end.

Okay, everyone, time to hit the hay!

Here's to another great overnight!

Ah, let's do this every year!

(Exclaims)

(Sighs) Finally, some alone time.

Hey! Nice try.

Now we're gonna stick to you like that tick to my butt.

I knew we should've brought those tranquilizer darts.

(Grunting)

Yes, I know Gladys will be back from town soon, but I need to use her computer to find a video to help me.

I have been struggling to decipher those cursed instructions for hours.

(Grunts)

No, we cannot check your profile on Reptile Romance.

Also, you post too many selfies.

It is a major red flag.

(Grunting)

Now, if you see Gladys coming, just shake what your momma gave you.

(Jingling)

Huh, Gladys' cabin is not as creepy as I thought it would be.

I stand corrected.

A tuft of Mr. Daddy's chest hair, a vial of his sweat, photos of Mrs. Mommy with her head missing.

Recurring nightmare, here I come.

(Water sloshing) What the...

Oh, dear, I thought that noise I was hearing at night was the waves on the lake!

Well, well, well...

Whatcha doing in la casa del crazy?

Looking for an instructional video, perhaps?

Just admit my way is better.

Never! What happened to alerting me, you lazy lizard?

(Dings)

I bribed her with a dead rat.

She told me everything.

Well, she just hissed a bunch, but I got the drift.

You carry dead rats on you?

Yep. Everyone always said it was weird.

Well, not so weird now, is it?

No, it is still very weird.

Now, I bid you a good day!

(Water sloshing)

A little help, so that I may storm out?

You got it. Cannonball! (Screams) No!

I think we need some more wood for the fire.

If we need fuel, we can burn Jorge's socks.

I already did.

I saw a dead tree about a hundred yards from here.

It would make for perfect kindling.

Oh, good idea. My mom always says, "When you're out in the woods, use the tools that nature provides."

I wish it provided me with four walls, free cable, and room service.

Hey, Emma, you wanna come with me?

Ew, doing manual labor in the dark...

Is what I live for!

Oh, if you see a beetle with red wings and bright green eyes, bring it back.

But don't touch it, or turn your back on it, and do not look it directly in the eye.

It can smell fear. Thanks!

How about we just bring back another pretty flower for you to smash?

We'll be back soon. Use the walkie-talkie if there's an emergency.

Jorge: (On radio) Xander, I forgot where the bathroom hole is.

(Crashing)

Found it.

Hey, Ravi. I know you don't want my help, but uh...

What the heck is that?

Perhaps this is designed for kids who have really weird bodies.

Well FYI, I finished my part of the jungle gym, while you were building your Scandinavian t*rture chamber.

Ta-da!

For someone who is "finished," you sure do have a lot of remaining parts.

Well, like they always say, the better the builder, the less parts you need.

Nobody says that.

And if you did not need them, I doubt they would have been included by the fine people at Argh.

I think I know what I'm doing.

I've been building since I was in diapers.

Heck, I carved my own pacifiers.

Pro tip. You need to sand those real good.

Watch me take 'er for a test drive!

Whee! (Giggling)

(Screams)

(Crashing)

(Groans)

What a beautiful night.

I'm really glad we got to do this.

Nothing could ruin this night.

(Both scream)

(Coughing)

Except falling into a dark, scary hole.

You okay? (Coughing)

I think so, are you?

Yeah, my knees broke my fall.

Where are we?

It looks like an abandoned mine shaft.

What? And no one knows we're here.

We gotta find a way out.

I got this. I'll just climb up these boards.

(Emma yells)

Careful, Xander! This whole place could collapse on top of us!

Both: Help!

Help!

This is terrible.

On the bright side, we finally got our alone time.

Yeah, and if we don't find a way out it'll last for the next 100 years.

No, it won't. We'll starve to death in two weeks, tops.

Meanwhile, the kids are back at camp, all by themselves.

Hey, we have the walkie-talkie!

(GASPS) Radio the kids for help!

Aw, man. The mic and speaker must've broken when we fell.

We're on our own. But how are we gonna get out of here?

I'll go down this tunnel and see where it goes.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Don't worry, I've been gifted with a natural sense of direction.

Hey! Emma!

Emma, I think I found a way out!

Ahem. Ah!

Uh, natural sense of direction, huh?

Maybe it's just an above-ground thing.

(Radio static)

Wait, hand me that! I think I have an idea!

What are you gonna do with that stupid walkie? It doesn't even talkie!

Sorry, I rhyme when I think I'm gonna die. I don't know why.

Dang it!

Emma and Xander have been gone for more than an hour.

I'm really getting worried.

Did you try the walkie-talkie?

No, I turned it off.

It kept making a bunch of weird beeping sounds.

(Rhythmic beeping)

Jorge, don't you know what this means?

That their walkie-talkie got eaten by a robot?

Oh, no, the machines have taken over!

No! That's Morse code. Hang on.

(Beeping)

That's an S.O.S. They must be in trouble!

We have to save them! Tiffany, tell them we're on our way.

I can't. They said their speaker is broken.

Which means they can't receive anything.

Come on, let's go!

Wait. Out in the woods?

By ourselves? At night?

Hey, I'm not a big fan of walking through some bear's backyard either, but I've got to save my sister.

And Xander.

Yeah, if we have time.

Now, Jorge, do you remember what Xander taught you about tracking?

Yup! It's only useless stuff I can't remember.

Like math, or washing my hands after I fell in the bathroom hole.

Ew! You were holding this!

Found their tracks!

You can tell by the shape of the treads on their hiking boots.

They went this way!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but follow Jorge.

Tiffany, hand me my whip!

No way! I'm not touching anything else of yours until you wash your hands.

I guess the Morse code didn't work.

Well, it was a great idea, Emma.

Too bad it may be your last one.

I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to all my shoes.

Xander? Emma?

It's the kids! Hey, guys, we're down here!

But watch out for that... (Zuri screams)

(Groans)

Let me guess, your next word was going to be "hole."

Okay, you were right. My way didn't work out so good.

Neither of our methods did.

When that photographer arrives tomorrow, all he will capture is our failure.

And this Nordic death trap.

Plus, Bunny cabin is gonna be mad.

I bet they're sharpening their incisors right now, the dirty little rodents.

I hope none of them have braces.

I am not up-to-date on my tetanus sh*ts.

Oh, those extra parts were supposed to anchor the swing to the support beam.

Wait, you can understand the instructions?

Of course, what am I, an idiot?

Let me rephrase that. Only an idiot couldn't understand these.

How is that better? It's not, I just rephrased it.

Anyway, these make sense to me.

Lou, if you will be my guide, I will be your hands.

If we work together, maybe we can still get this done on time.

I love it! Let's get to work.

High five yourself!

Oh, no! We might die down here!

Don't worry, I'm going to save you!

Okay, we're definitely going to die down here!

Relax, I got this. I'm just going to use my trusty whip.

(Crashing)

What the heck are you doing up there?

I'm trying to shove this giant branch down the hole.

Why, you can't wait for us to starve to death?

Uh, maybe he's just trying to put us out of our misery.

Or he's dropping it down, so we can use it as a ladder to climb up.

Bingo! Everyone take cover!

(Coughing) Great job, Jorge!

I did like Emma said and used the tools that nature provided.

Come on, everybody! Tiffany, I'll give you a boost. Grab Jorge's hand!

Ew! I'd rather die down here.

Finished! It is complete!

Great job, Ravi! I'd applaud, if moving my arms didn't make me scream in pain.

I could not have done it without you.

Ditto. Now the Bunnies will have their very own klatterdudder... Kluberhoffen... Kerfenschmergen...

Jungle gym.

Oh, there's the photographer.

Over here.

Lou, let us pose for a picture in front of our masterpiece.

Ravi, when we work together, we can accomplish anything.

Anything except build a jungle gym.

I do not get it. I tightened those bolts with all of my strength.

That might have been our problem.

I am so proud of you guys for the way you handled yourselves last night.

And sorry for rushing through all the fun stuff.

We just haven't had a moment to ourselves since we started dating again.

I guess we ruined your first campout.

Are you crazy? We had a blast!

Yeah! Jorge got the adventure he was looking for.

And managed not to get us k*lled.

Didn't see that coming.

And Zuri was amazing. If she hadn't taken charge, the next ghost story we told would have been about you guys.

Sorry we didn't find your weird, rare beetle, Tiffany.

Wait, did you say it had bright green eyes and red wings?

Yeah. Why? 'Cause I think it's on Jorge's shoulder.

(Whimpers)

Ah, I looked into its eyes!

Nope, that's just a stink bug.

Zuri: We have a surprise for you.

(Playing violin)

Oh, my gosh, this is amazing!

We know you two are having trouble finding time for a date.

So now you can have a nice, private, romantic meal together.

We promise to stay out of your hair, but I can't speak for the bats.

Aw, that's so sweet, you guys.

Dinner is served.

Hey, it's s'more dogs! Yay!

Have fun!