01x19 - Bride and Doom

[bunniefuu]

Get ready to hear the scariest story you've ever heard.

Is it the one about Gladys skinny dipping in the lake?

If you listen closely, you can still hear the fish screaming.

No! It's the tale of my ancestor, Olga.

The daughter of Kikiwaka founder, Jedediah Swearengen.

Olga was the camp fox. Much like me.

This story just went from scary to delusional.

But Olga loved another counselor, Roland, and they used to meet in secret at the tool shed.

Nothing says romance like rat poison.

Roland would bring Olga candy, and they would signal each other with a whistle.

(Gasps) That's a good idea. Our duck calls draw way too much attention.

Specifically, from ducks.

But a camper told Jedediah about their meetings, so Jedediah sent Roland away.

Soon after, Olga ran away to elope with Roland.

But a freak storm hit, trapping her in the woods!

And she d*ed there. Cold, bitter, and without a man.

Like Gladys on Saturday nights.

Legend has it, on stormy summer nights, Olga's ghost returns, whistling in the wind.

She haunts Camp Kikiwaka, seeking revenge on campers for telling her father By snatching them in the night... (Gasps)

Feeding off their fear and their legs!

Oh, no! Next to my hair, my legs are my best feature.

So heed this warning. If you hear a whistle...

Run.

(Whistling) (Screaming)

(Chuckles) Nailed it, Hazel! We really scared the pants off those campers.

Jorge, put your pants back on!

Huh, he really does have nice legs.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪
♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home

(Growling)

♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(Camera clicks)

Tiffany: Don't go!

Tiffany, I know you're scared, but you can't come to the bathroom with me.

It's okay, I'll close my eyes.

Never mind, I'll hold it.

And you should know ghosts don't exist.

I thought you believed in that thing... You have to take it in school, with those wrinkly white coats and ugly goggles...

Science? Oh, that's the one.

I do. And Einstein proved that energy can't be created or destroyed.

So what does that energy become when we die? Ghosts.

Yeah, I see ghosts in New York all the time.

Blank stares on their faces, moaning creepily...

Zuri, those are models.

Guys, there's no such thing as ghosts.

I don't know.

That story about Olga really freaked me out.

You thought that was scary? I once found a loose thread on my favorite sweater.

I kept pulling and pulling...

And then, there was no sweater!

She also gets freaked out when ice disappears in her drink.

Where does it go?

(Snoring)

Jorge, is this really necessary?

Yes! I'm scared Olga's gonna get me!

And I am scared of getting athletes' face.

Well, no offense, but your sheets smell weird.

That is called detergent.

Do not worry, Jorge, the ghost of Olga is not coming.

No need to be scared.

Then why did you run away screaming when we heard the whistle?

Everyone else was doing it, and I am a natural-born follower.

But trust me, that was just a silly ghost story.

Oh. So, there wasn't really an Olga?

Oh, no, there was.

And did that storm really happen?

Big time. It was a record-breaker.

So, Olga did die alone in the woods?

No, not alone.

I'm sure there was a family of bears feeding on her corpse.

(Whimpers)

I am not very good at this, am I?

(Whistling)

Jorge: Ahhh! Olga's whistling again!

Ravi, hold me!

Ravi: Fine, but you must shower first.

(All chuckling)

That was some mighty fine lip tootin', Hazel. Thanks.

You know, Xander, my lips are good for kissing, too.

You're supposed to be scaring the campers, not me.

(Groans) Rise and shine!

Chuck-a-doodle-doo!

Ugh, I have a giant knot in my back.

That's my elbow.

Why didn't one of you sleep with Lou?

Because she's a kicker.

Well, if you don't get out, then I'm gonna be a puncher.

Hey...

Where did all this dirt come from?

Maybe something got in here last night.

You mean like a raccoon?

Tiffany: But, those are high-heel shoe prints.

Maybe the raccoon was going out on a date!

And look at these letters scratched on the door!

So the raccoon can spell?

Forget the raccoon!

O-L-G-A?

(Screams) Olga!

(Door opens) (Gasps)

Guys, we were haunted last night!

Us, too!

Man, that ghost really gets around.

I'm so scared!

(Chuckles) Look, a bra.

Olga obviously had a restless night.

She's not the only one.

Hey, Lou, isn't there supposed to be a storm tonight?

(Gasps) Jeepers creepers, Xander, you're right.

Olga's coming back for revenge!

She's gonna rip our legs off, dip them in honey mustard, and eat them!

Jorge, that is ridiculous.

Yeah, everyone knows ghosts prefer ranch!

Oh, uh, guys, we need to talk to you.

Were you guys haunted by Olga last night, too?

Yup. We were way mega haunted!

Dial it down.

All right, guys, admit it.

You're behind the ghost pranks, and it's gone too far.

You're making the campers miserable.

And me! You try sleeping while Jorge turns your bed into a fart fort.

Okay, okay, but the Olga story is a really fun tradition.

Our first year, the counselors scared us so bad, I peed my pants.

I remember. You were sitting on my bed.

I wasn't that scared.

You were crying for a week!

Pfft! I was upset about my guitar string breaking.

You told me it was because you lost your favorite sock.

There was a lot going on! It was an emotional time!

Guys, forget Xander's guitar-sock trauma. You need to stop this.

Why should we stop just because some whiny CITs tell us to?

Okay, do what you want.

But Xander, I'll have to comfort Zuri and Tiffany, so I won't be able to go with you to The Spot tonight.

Prank's over!

Well, I guess we'll set up for breakfast, then not prank the kids. Good times.

Okay, that's weird. Look at all those candy wrappers.

I suppose you want us to believe that Olga left those, because she loves candy.

And no doubt "Olga" was the one who wrote "Angry" on the canoe?

Everybody's angry in the mess hall.

The apple juice is just rusty water.

Guys, I didn't do any of this. Did one of you two go rogue?

No way. I would never betray you!

Is that written in blood?

Okay, I'm all for recreational bloodshed, but this is messed up.

Yeah, this is officially the creepiest thing I've ever seen in here.

And I once found a book entitled, How to Cook a Sick Racehorse.

Hmm, that explains the Triple-Crown chowder.

Well, if you guys didn't do this, then who did?

Maybe it really is Olga!

Lou, there's no such thing as ghosts.

I'm sure there's a simple explanation for all this.

Yeah, the simple explanation is, "Ghost mad, want to k*ll!"

I just finished torturing... I mean, questioning all the other campers, counselors, and CITs.

Everyone says they didn't do it.

I'm telling you, it's Olga! She loved candy, and she wrote "angry" on the canoe, because her dad ruined her life.

Can't she just get a tattoo, like any other rebellious daughter?

I still think we're just being pranked.

If we had surveillance cameras, we could set them up tonight, after everyone else is asleep.

Then, if the guilty party returns, we could catch them red-handed.

Hopefully not red-handed from our blood!

Where are we going to get a bunch of cameras in the middle of nowhere?

Actually, Gladys has a whole bunch of cameras set up around the woods.

She calls them "Lumberjack Cams."

Let's hope she doesn't have the cameras at The Spot.

Okay, I will go get the cameras and set them up.

If anything strange happens tonight, we shall see it.

The only thing we're gonna see is a ghost coming down from a sugar high.

Lou, how can you believe some ghostly relative of mine is lurking around camp, terrorizing kids?

Uh, have you met your family?

Uh-oh. Did you see something suspicious?

Nope, just a moose pooping in a kayak.

We all owe Jorge an apology.

Okay, we've been here for hours, and all we've seen is an incontinent moose.

Yeah, we need to speed this up. Good thing I'm a ghost whisperer.

This better not be like the time you said you were a bear whisperer.

We were lucky to make it out of that cave alive.

If you can talk to ghosts, why did you not mention it before?

I didn't want you to think I was weird.

That ship has sailed.

Anyway, back on the farm, I contacted the spirit of my first pet pig, Snorty.

And what did your dead pig tell you?

That's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

Turns out he was pretty peeved about ending up as a BLT!

The point is, if I can contact Snorty, then maybe he can contact Olga.

But what if Olga doesn't speak oink?

And that's something I never thought I'd say.

Okay, this won't work unless we're all completely still and quiet.

Soo-ee!

Okay, you probably woke the dead, and most of New England.

Snorty, I know you're probably steamed about gettin' smoked.

But here get, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy!

Soooo-eeee!

The only thing she is going to conjure up is an angry piece of bacon.

(Snores)

Ow! I fell on something pointy.

That's what's left of my ribcage.

Lou, are you okay?

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

I was having a nightmare about Snorty.

He was eating me with lettuce and tomato.

We were supposed to be on ghost watch.

I cannot believe we all fell asleep!

I can. These tables are softer than our bunks.

Guys, let's look at the footage and see if we got anything.

Wait! Did you see that?

It's Olga! I told you, guys!

No, it's not her. If it were, she'd be whistling.

(Whistling)

Maybe it is Olga.

I can't tell. Ravi is shaking the screen too much because he's scared.

While I am scared, my arms are shaking because this tablet is exceedingly heavy.

Dude, you really should keep these things to yourself.

(Door opens)

Guys, when we woke up, you weren't there, and now our blankets are missing!

We think Olga took them.

Along with my fartin' quilt.

Well, if she wasn't angry before, she will be now.

Maybe Olga did take them. She was cold right before she d*ed.

Kids, we have some bad news. The ghost of Olga is real!

No duh. Welcome to yesterday!

No, he means, before, we were just pranking you guys with a ghost story, but now it has literally come back to haunt us.

(Thunder rumbles)

(Screaming)

Olga's here! She's going to start eating campers!

This is horrible! Wait, just campers, right?

Guys, I called town for help, but they told me the roads are washed out.

And then the phone went dead!

It's Olga! She's cut us off from the world, so she can take us out of the world!

Snorty, I'm a-comin'!

Don't worry, Xander, I'll keep you safe.

This actually makes me feel less safe.

Perhaps Olga is benevolent.

I don't care what religion she is.

She's gonna k*ll us. (Thunder rumbles)

I meant, she may just be looking for our help.

According to ghostologists, a spirit only roams this mortal plane if it has unfinished business.

Olga's unfinished business is that she never got the chance to marry Roland!

But how can we help a ghost get married?

And where will they honeymoon? Death valley? (Laughs)

Obviously, we should throw a wedding, and have someone stand in for Olga.

Someone like her descendant... Hazel.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

I'm not gonna be in some freaky ghost wedding just to appease a cranky dead chick.

Xander could stand in for Roland.

♪ Here comes the bride! ♪

This is gonna be a whole new level of bridezilla.

I really wish we'd had time for your bachelor party. I had big plans.

Like what?

We were gonna be human chips, diving into a tub of queso dip!

So, we finally know what it takes to get you into a tub.

Enough about the queso. Let's put a ring on it.

Let us begin.

(Playing bridal march)

Oh... Okay...

I know you love making a mess, but this is hardly the time.

I'm the flower girl. And this cauliflower is the best I could do!

Don't be scared, Lou. We're gonna be okay.

No, I always cry at weddings!

(Sobs) Even if the bride is a vicious, vengeful she-devil.

Lou, do not speak of Olga that way!

I was talking about Hazel.

Emma: I am not going out there in Gladys' old prom dress!

It's ugly, and it reeks of tears and rejection!

Hazel: It's for the good of the camp!

Plus, it makes me look prettier!

Oh!

Here come the waterworks!

Trust me, I wanna cry, too.

(Violin playing wedding march)

Nice dress. Thanks.

Gladys keeps it in case her pen pal ever breaks out of prison.

(Gasps)

Friends, family, undead...

We are gathered here to unite Olga Swearengen with her lost love, Roland...

Last name unknown.

Please post all wedding pictures with the tag "Rolgaforever."

They were torn apart 100 years ago, and Olga is apparently still quite peeved about it.

Now, the dictionary defines marriage as an equal... (Thunder cracks)

Wow, Ravi, even ghosts think you talk too much.

Message received, Olga.

Now, we will quickly hear the vows.

Olga, I'm being you!

And like you, I found a man at camp who loves me.

No, you didn't.

And we are soulmates...

No, we're not.

Destined to walk beside each other for eternity!

You'll be walking alone.

Okay...

Now for Roland's vows.

That... That's you. Oh!

Right... I'll pass.

Moving right along.

Does anyone object to the union of these two people?

I do. Ditto.

Then if no one objects, by the power not-vested in me, I pronounce you, Olga and Roland, husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Olga, please don't make me do this!

Show us a sign that you're ready to move on!

(Thunder cracks)

(Screaming)

(Kissing)

(Gagging)

(LAUGHS) Kissing you sure beats kissing my Xander doll.

Does anybody have any soap I can eat?

(Whistling)

Oh, no! Olga's still here! The wedding ceremony didn't work!

Probably because Xander didn't kiss back. Let's try again!

Again, I have to object!

So do I.

Wait a minute, where's Jorge?

Olga has taken him!

She probably wanted someone who smelled worse than her!

We have to save Jorge from that angry ghost!

Do we?

This seems more like a counselor problem.

Yeah, I kissed Hazel! I've already tasted death tonight!

Emma's right! If we don't save Jorge, then he'll be haunting us with ghost farts for all eternity.

How do we know these are Jorge's footprints?

They're short, wide, and the shoes are on the wrong feet.

(Whistling)

(Both gasp)

Emma: I think I see Jorge.

But I can't see the ghost. Right. That is kind of their thing.

Look, Olga's leading him into the tool shed!

So she can get a shovel and dig his grave! (Sobs)

Or maybe she's just totes into gardening?

(Gasps)

(Snoring) (Whistling)

Wait, so Jorge was just sleepwalking?

This explains where all our blankets went.

And why there were candy wrappers in the mess hall.

And this jam must be the blood on the canoe.

This blood needs a little peanut butter.

So the ghost was Jorge?

It must have been him in the camera footage, wrapped in a blanket.

And the whistle must have been from Jorge's deviated septum.

Sometimes he makes that noise in his sleep.

And you didn't think to tell us this before?

I am no gossip, madam!

(Yawns)

Hi!

What am I doing in the tool shed?

(GASPS) Did the ghost bring me here?

Did she turn my legs into taquitos?

No, Jorge, you are fine.

And you are also the ghost.

Everything that happened was just you sleepwalking.

Oh, that makes sense.

That Olga ghost story really scared me, and I sleepwalk when I'm scared.

But why were you also sleep-stealing our blankets and candy?

Obviously, after hearing the ghost story, he was stealing things that Olga would have wanted.

She was cold and loved candy.

I feel I should point out, Jorge also steals candy when he's awake.

I can't believe I wore this hideous dress for nothing.

Hmph, not for nothing. You look ridiculous! (Laughs)

Actually, she looks gorgeous.

I know. (Stomps foot)

By the way, Emma, if I die first, I'm gonna haunt the heck out of you!

Just think, in 100 years, some poor campers will be throwing Hazel a wedding.

There's just one thing I still don't get.

Jorge, why did you write the word "angry" in jam on the canoe in the mess hall?

I didn't. I must've written "hungry." But my "H's" kind of look like "A's."

But you still forgot the letter "u" in "hungry."

I'm also a really bad speller.

Plus, I was asleep, and writing in jam. Get off my back!

(Footsteps) (All scream)

Who is that?

It's a ghost!

Not yet, no thanks to you guys.

It's me, Timmy!

I got the check from my parents!

I can finally come to camp!

Great.

Aww, this check is made out to "Camp Kikiwoka", so back to the front gate.

Wait! Timmy...

That blanket is camp property.

Now that is just cold.