02x02 - Dance in My Pants

[bunniefuu]

Xander, Lou, thank you for putting Emma and me in charge of the summer dance.

We are deeply honored.

Ravi, they just pawned it off on us because they didn't want to do it.

She's not wrong.

Later, we're going to give you the honor of cleaning up the mess hall bathroom.

(Chuckles) I'm just kidding, sweetie.

Hey, Xander, remember our first camp dance?

Yeah. I picked you up at your cabin, gave you a corsage made of wildflowers...

Actually, it was poison oak.

Remember, you thought I was blushing, but it just turned out to be hives?

(Both laughing) You guys went on a date? You never told me that.

Eh, we were only nine.

At that age, a date doesn't mean anything.

Sadly, that can be true at any age.

Next thing you'll tell me you went on a date with Hazel.

No way!

Well, there was that time she knocked him over the head, threw him in a sack, and made him go canoeing.

Yeah, that was more of a felony than a date.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Cool beanie, Griff.

Thanks. I got it from my bunk mate in juvie.

That's nice that he gave it to you.

Sure... "Gave."

I hate to see Griff go, but I love to watch him leave.

I know.

There's something so deliciously forbidden about a boy with a checkered past.

Oh!

He is so amazing.

He has such cool hair...

Zuri: And he looks so cute in that hat.

I hope he asks me for every dance tomorrow night.

Not gonna happen 'cause he's gonna be attracted to me, like a positive ion to a negative ion.

Not if you talk like that, nerdbag.

Tiffany: Oh, it is on!

Bring it! It's going to be a cage match up in here.

You know it.

Two girls enter, one 2015 Science Fair Champion leaves.

Breakfast sausage, ladies?

They're hot and spicy, just like me.

So, Emma, what do you think of my DJ moniker?

"Rockin' Ravi Ross, the Record Rhombus."

What's a rhombus?

It is a kind of awkward square.

Well, then that's perfect for you. (Laughs)

Oh!

Quit it, I'm ticklish!

Yeah, I know. That's why Grizzly cabin always loses at touch football.

(Both laughing)

You know? I had the most bizarre dream last night that Xander and Lou were a couple.

(Chuckles) Crazy, right?

Well, being best friends and having a lot in common is the best foundation for a relationship.

Or not.

But don't you think Xander and I have a lot in common?

Sure!

You are both tall, and you both breathe oxygen...

Oh!

(Sighs) Hold up, you got some glitter.

That's weird.

What, that I focus on our work While you only focus on yourself? (Scoffs)

I just call that "par for the course."

Since Ravi and Emma have the dance covered, why don't we prep for the CPR class?

Okay.

Where'd I put that dummy?

(Hissing)

(Both scream)

Is that the CPR dummy's head? I sure hope so.

Or else we've got an awkward call to make to some camper's parents.

(Snarling)

That leg's missing a foot.

That's going to be tough coming out.

Okay, let's just review CPR procedure on each other.

You be in distress.

Fine. Give me a second.

(Inhales deeply)

Help! Help!

I can't swim!

I'm gonna need so much CPR!

(Gasping loudly)

Are you done?

Almost. (Wheezing)

Now I'm done.

Okay. All right... (Blowing)

Okay, I check for obstruction of the airway...

Huh! Looks like someone had fish sticks for lunch.

Then I tilt the victim's head back, pinch the nostrils closed, and exhale into the victim's mouth.

(Inhales deeply)

Hey!

Both: Ow!

What are you doing? I don't know.

(Coughs) The last thing I remember was Xander putting his fingers in my mouth.

Ew! You two are sick!

Emma!

Emma!

Emma, what is wrong with you?

Me? What about what you two were doing in there?

I was just subbing in for a dummy.

That's what you think I am?

No! I mean, we weren't kissing.

We were practicing CPR.

Yeah, I had to practice on Lou because Kipling ate the doll.

Okay? I guarantee you, there's nothing weird going on here.

All the weird is right over there.

Well, what about earlier, when you were touching Lou's cheek?

Oh! He was just wiping glitter off.

See? He's still sparkly.

And now you're holding hands.

Emma, I can't believe you're being jealous again.

Jealous?

When have I ever been jealous?

Uh, last week when you threatened that girl at the picnic?

Can you blame me?

You came up behind her and hugged her.

She was choking on a grape.

I was giving her the Heimlich.

FYI, it did not go well, hence the CPR class.

Still, I saw the way she was looking at Xander.

How could you tell? Her eyes were rolling back in her head.

Just forget it.

I can't deal with you right now.

Emma, how could you think I would betray you?

You know I live and breathe our cabin code, Chucks before Bucks.

Well, excuse me for making a mistake.

Hey, guys!

Want to go make friendship bracelets?

Both: No!

Okay, maybe anger anklets?

Dude, Zuri and Tiffany want me.

To...

Leave them alone?

No!

I overheard them fighting about who gets to dance with me tomorrow.

They both want a hunk of Jorge.

(Snickers) Really?

I mean, good for you, man.

Does this mean you'll finally take a shower?

Why would I do that?

This is workin'.

I cannot believe Xander and Lou are mad at me.

Can you believe he said I have a jealousy problem?

Well, there was that time you went into a rage over that girl from Salmon Cabin.

Her hands were all over Xander.

She was six. He was giving her a piggy back ride.

Oh, that little vixen knew what she was doing.

Okay, I hear it now.

Mmm...

Griff could make gutting a fish look good.

Speaking of looking good, I'm going to look really good on Griff's arm at the dance.

(Scoffs) Please, you don't have a chance.

I've been smooth-talking boys since you were in diapers.

What's up, ladies?

(Giggling)

Real smooth, giggles.

So, I hear you've both been fighting over who's going to get to dance with a certain special guy.

Oh, this guy's special, all right.

He must be a carbon sample, because I really want to "date" him.

(Laughing nervously)

Ah, science jokes.

Helping girls get guys since never.

Hey, Xander.

I need to talk to you about something important.

(Sighs) Good.

I think we need to talk, too.

So...

Which pair of shoes should I wear to the dance?

These will match what you'll be wearing, but these are super expensive, and will make all the other girls super sad they're not wearing them.

Which is what good shoes are supposed to do.

You came here to talk to me about shoes?

Yes. I said it was important.

Wait, you don't want to talk about how you blew up at me and Lou?

Not really.

It stresses me out.

And stress gives me pimples.

And I'm not going to the dance with pimples, duh.

So, let's just put it behind us.

No!

No! Look, Emma, your jealousy is bad enough, but you accused me of cheating on you with our best friend.

I don't know if I can ever get over that.

I don't want to nitpick, but that is the exact opposite of "putting it behind us."

You know what, Emma?

You wear whatever shoes you want to the dance, because I'm not going with you.

Well, now I'm going to be as sad as the girls not wearing my shoes.

Oh, yeah!

Welcome to the Kikiwaka Dance!

I am DJ Rockin' Ravi Ross, the Record Rhombus.

And next to me is my sister from another mister, Sleazy E.

Sleazy, tell them how you feel.

Life is an empty void of infinite nothingness.

You said it, girl!

Now for some tasty jams, so you may dance and prance, pop and a'lock!

Oh, yeah!

(Dance music playing)

So, what do ya think?

Looking good, J-Dog.

(Gags) But smelling nasty.

Uh, you reek like paint thinner and hotdogs.

The paint thinner smell is my new hair product.

The hotdog is just my natural musk.

Look, you want to knock them dead with your charm, not your smell.

I mean, at least get rid of the hair stank.

Okay, I'll wash it out.

If they ask, tell them I had diarrhea.

And he has two girls after him?

Hey, Griff.

Well, you two sure look great.

No scratch marks, no eyes gouged out...

Thanks, Griff.

You give the most unique compliments.

So which lucky girl is it going to be?

You want to dance with me, not her.

She slobbers at night.

(Scoffs) Only because of my headgear.

Which I should've kept to myself.

Wait, you two want to dance with me?

But what about Jorge?

You want to ask Jorge to dance?

Okay, this just took an unexpected turn.

No, I mean, you're both fighting over who gets to dance with Jorge, right?

(Both laughing)

I'm serious.

He overheard you two talking about how much you liked him.

Both: Uh-oh.

Well, hello, ladies.

Thanks for keeping them warm for me.

Jorge, I need to tell you something.

Not now, brah.

Me and my honeys are about to sizzle on the dance floor.

(Imitates sizzling)

Jorge, I'm really sorry, but you're not the one we wanted to dance with.

That's right I'm not the one you wanted to dance with.

(Chuckles) Wait... wait, what?

It was a big misunderstanding.

We wanted Griff to ask us to dance.

Oh.

Jorge...

You okay?

Yeah, bro, I'm great.

I just, uh, need to be somewhere else.

Oh, wow.

I feel terrible.

Me too.

Wanna dance?

You know, to soothe the pain.

Women.

They're jealous, and they'll turn on you like a jar of mayonnaise left out in the hot sun.

So stay single, and stick to mustard.

What did you do, tell them about that time you saw Gladys in a bikini?

Wow, Lou. You look awesome.

(Laughs) Thanks.

Last time I wore this was to Bessie and Clem's wedding.

Oh, your friends got married?

No, my cows.

I was the milk maid of honor.

So, how are you holding up?

Uh, not great.

It just feels so weird that I'm not here with Emma.

I know. The three of us should be out on the dance floor, shaking our tushies.

Well, we're here, and we're dressed up.

So wanna dance?

Why not?

(Slow music playing)

Can you believe Emma thought we were into each other?

I know, right? It's totally crazy.

I mean, sure, we have, like, everything in common.

Exactly.

I'm basically you without mascara.

Can you imagine if we got married?

(Both chuckling)

Our kid would be an amazing musician and a great farm hand.

Yeah, she could play the guitar, then lasso a cow with her guitar string.

I think that would slice the cow's head off.

Yes.

Yes, it would.

But lucky for the cow, none of that is ever gonna happen, because we're just friends.

Yeah, best friends.

Nothing more.

Why are you looking at me that way?

Why are you looking at me that way?

OMG, look at the two of them.

Now they really are into each other.

You know, if you had not been so paranoid and jealous that Lou and Xander were together before, they would not be together now.

(Chuckles) How amusingly ironic.

Head sauce?

Okay, on the count of three, we stop staring at each other.

Deal? Deal.

Both: One, two, three.

Okay, that was weird. (Laughing)

Yeah, I think I have more chemistry with my pet pig.

I think I should be insulted.

Don't be. He's the George Clooney of pigs.

Who decides that?

A bunch of really creepy farmers.

Hey, J-Dog.

You okay?

I can't believe I was so stupid.

Of course, Zuri and Tiffany wanted to dance with you.

You're the exciting bad boy.

I guess I'm just not cool.

Are you kidding me?

You're one of the coolest guys I've ever met.

Really?

How am I cool?

(Inhaling sharply) I was afraid you were going to ask that.

Give me a second.

Oh, I got it.

You're funny, and nice.

And you got great hair.

Well, that's true.

What else?

Look...

My point is, you're a great guy, and if those girls don't see that, it's their loss.

You really think so?

Absolutely, man.

And there are a lot of other cute girls out there, so go dance with them.

But I embarrassed myself.

Who cares?

Everyone embarrasses themselves.

Have you met Ravi?

So just go have fun and be yourself.

So I can go put my hair gel back in?

No! Throw that away.

Better yet, bury it.

Hey, Emma.

How're you doing?

Ravi, you were totally right.

I get that a lot.

What was I right about, specifically?

That I'm a jealous person.

And I don't want to be that way anymore.

It's caused me to ruin the two most important relationships in my life.

So, now I know I am number three, tops.

Emma...

You know what you need to do to make things better.

Well, usually a total body seaweed wrap does the trick, but there isn't a decent spa for miles.

No! (Chuckles)

I meant Lou and Xander are your best friends.

If you want to prove that you have changed, put your own feelings aside and be supportive of them.

You're right, Ravi.

And I'm sorry for pouring cocktail sauce on you.

Oh, no problem, the horseradish keeps away the mosquitos.

Guys, I need to talk to you.

Look, Emma... Please, let me finish.

I'm sorry I was so jealous and didn't trust you two.

You guys are my best friends, and you didn't deserve that.

Emma... Let me finish.

I completely understand if you don't forgive me.

But that's what we wanted to talk... Let me finish!

I saw the way you were looking at each other while you were dancing, and one day, I think you'll make a great couple.

Emma... Let me finish!

Okay, I'm finished.

Xander and I are just friends.

Best friends.

Always have been, always will be.

But that's all we are.

Oh, thank goodness.

So we're all good?

Of course! Bring it in, bestie.

So, Emma?

Would you like to go to the dance with me?

I can pick you up, like, right now.

I'd love to.

Xander, do you really forgive me?

Does this answer your question?

I don't know.

Maybe you better answer it again.

Hey, want to dance, Record Rhomboid?

Oh, uh... Actually, I go by Rhombus, which is technically different from a rhomboid in that...

Do you want to dance or not, nerd?

Let us boogie. (Chuckles)

Yo, DJ Griffindor in the house!

(All cheering)

I want to welcome to the floor the dopest guy in the camp.

Give it up for J-Dog!

(Dance music playing)

(All cheering)

Wow, Jorge can actually dance.

Which is amazing, because he can barely walk.

Hey, those girls are playing in our toy box.

b*at it, ladies.

Yeah, we got dibs on the curls.

You know, Ravi, you did a great job organizing the dance.

Thank you, but I cannot take all the credit.

Emma helped with...

I mean, she did hang the...

Okay, I will take all the credit.

Ravi, I'm really sorry I let you down.

But I can help now.

Thank you for offering, Emma.

Could you pick up the garbage?

Ew, no, gross!

By help out, I meant give the party four stars online.

(Sighs) Par for the course.

Xander, I want you to know that from now on, I promise I will not be a jealous girlfriend.

That's awesome, Emma. Thank you.

Hey!

You eye my man again, and the last thing you'll be looking at is the bottom of a shallow grave!

(Sighs) Not jealous, starting now.