02x04 - Zuri Weasels Out

[bunniefuu]

Lights out in five, guys. Emma and I have gotta go, because it's Counselor's Karaoke Night!

I hope Hazel doesn't sing. It attracts coyotes.

They think a moose is dying.

Can I go?

I've got a Merle Haggard tribute medley I'm dying to bust out!

Sorry, Zuri, as much as we'd love to hear that, this event is for counselors and CITs only.

But I'm a teenager now!

How can you treat me the same as a baby who plays with her coloring book?

This "coloring book" happens to be a map of the Helix Nebula in the Aquarius Constellation!

Oh, I'm sorry. Nerd baby.

This is so unfair! How come I can't be a CIT?

Zuri, you're not old enough.

Plus, it's a big job, with a lot of responsibility.

How hard can it be? You do it.

It also takes people skills. Strike two.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Griff, I'd like to introduce you to my new best friend, Wildfire!

Oh...

When you said we were going to go play with wild fire, I was thinking of something a lot more fun.

Wildfire is tons of fun!

In a very tiny package.

Just like me!

Okay, have fun with your big dog.

He's a horse! Whatever you have to tell yourself, man.

I'm gonna go play football.

Okay, campers, I have some very exciting news to share!

You're gonna let Wildfire move into our bunk?

Sweet! He's gonna need to sleep by the window, though, 'cause he gets a little gassy.

Anyway, I am talking about the Camp Art Auction.

The whole town is coming, and Gladys put me in charge.

Obvi, as all my friends know, I am an art aficionado.

Really? 'Cause I've never heard you mention art before.

Or friends.

I will have you know, back in New York, I ran with a pretty cool crowd of museum docents.

My bad.

I need you each to do a painting for the auction.

Gladys needs money to buy a "Rump Plumper," which apparently plumps your rump.

(Both shudder)

Anywho, if we have any money left over, Gladys said we could use it to buy a telescope for the camp!

Or we could buy a micro-drone to hover over the girls'...

I mean, a telescope.

(Laughs nervously)

Yay.

Karaoke was so fun last night!

Taylor Swift is my spirit animal.

Except that, you know, she's a human.

She makes me want to date a guy, just so I can dump his sorry butt, and write a catchy tune about it.

I wasn't there so I don't care.

B-T-W, I'm helping you with the wood and I even took out the trash.

And left it on the porch.

Well, it's out!

Great, now bears can come to our porch for an appetizer, and have us as the entree!

(Sighs) It's not fair.

I wish I was a CIT.

Ahhh! Wow, Hazel, did you set your broom to silent?

Gee, you stir one cauldron...

Anyway, I can make your wish come true.

You could be my CIT.

Well, what's the catch?

Do I have to shave Emma's head in her sleep?

No, but that's going on my bucket list!

Look, I need help with my Weasels, you're sick of the Up-Chucks.

It's a win-win.

I'll think about it.

It's just that your Weasels are cray-cray.

On the bright side, when we go on a hike in the woods, the bears run from them.

Sophie, is that a vase or a pile of mush?

Wha...

It looks like the work of a six-year-old!

Dude, she is six.

That is no excuse!

Wha...

Artists.

Done!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play horse shoes with Wildfire.

Or as he calls it, shoes.

Jorge, I cannot sell this.

If you were my son, I would not even hang it on the refrigerator.

Why? Because you couldn't lift it?

Griff, please tell me you have something better.

I do.

I call it Sad Boy.

An Exploration in Crayon.

I call it "terrible."

There is an elephant in Thailand that can paint better than you!

His art sells for thousands of dollars!

Well, then call him so I can go play football.

Look, I promised Gladys I would deliver big bucks so she can junk up her trunk.

So, start over! Both of you!

Corky, the paint goes on the canvas, not in your mouth!

Great, thanks to Vincent Van Jerk, we're gonna be stuck here painting all day!

Not necessarily. What if we tell Ravi that Wildfire can paint, just like that artsy elephant?

But horses can't paint.

They wear shoes on their hands.

What I meant is, if we just throw some paint on a canvas, and tell Ravi that Wildfire did it, he can sell that, and we can have rest of the afternoon off.

(Chuckles) You had me at "afternoon off."

That's the last thing I said.

No, that's the last thing you said.

I'd be better off planning this with the horse.

Guess what? We get to go to town later to see a movie!

You mean a real movie?

Not like the ones they show here?

The Horror Of Head Lice. Two Friends, One Hat.

That was better than Ticks Suck.

Yeah, not our best double-feature.

Gee, guys, I'm sorry, but it's after hours.

Only off-duty counselors and CITs can go.

Great. So the only thing I get to do after lights out is hear Tiffany snore?

I have an unusually large uvula.

Listen, Zuri, if you're patient, and follow the rules, maybe you can be a CIT next year.

Or I could be one right now!

Where are you going?

I'm joining the Weasel Cabin! Hazel asked me to be her new CIT, and I'm accepting.

All: What! Are you crazy?

Obviously, Hazel is an evil witch who's put you under a spell!

Yes! She's spun a web and lured you into it!

So what is she, a spider or a witch?

She's a spider-witch!

Look, Hazel's my friend now.

She thinks I'm mature, so...

(Blows raspberry)

CIT Ross, reporting for duty.

Excellent.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Weasels! Ha-ha!

(All growl)

No! Bad Weasel!

I still can't believe my own sister betrayed the Woodchuck Cabin.

Although she did once try to sell Ravi to the circus.

I have never lost a Woodchuck. Except that one time we ran into a wolf pack. And even then, I got most of her back.

Most of her?

She didn't need all those toes.

I cannot believe I'm at The Spot at night!

This is so awesome!

Everyone looks so happy.

Because there are no kids here.

Yeah, kids ruin everything.

Oh, hi, guys.

Have you met my new CIT, Zuri?

Huh. I used to have a sister by that name.

Look, she's wearing a Weasel shirt.

Why don't you just rip my heart out and eat it in front of me!

That sounds fun! Get me a spork.

Speaking of eating, is that real Chinese food?

Hmm. Beats Murphy's moo goo gai moose.

Congratulations, Lou. This time you lost a whole camper, not just her toes.

I'd like to tie Hazel's tongue to the tail of an incontinent wolverine.

That would just be mean to the wolverine.

(Squealing and screaming)

Hey! Hey!

Why aren't you guys asleep?

Because we had to stay up to do this.

(Spits)

Okay, that wasn't very nice.

At least we didn't use the one with the brick in it.

Look, Hazel told me to make sure you guys were in bed.

So, as your CIT, I order you to go to sleep.

We're not gonna get bossed around by someone who still has baby teeth.

Just one! And that's only because there's no big-girl tooth coming in behind it!

(All laughing)

Not the right group to share with.

Look, Hazel says I'm in charge.

Hazel also says Xander is going to marry her.

The woman is delusional.

Okay, you Weasels.

We can either do this the easy way, or the hard way.

Ah!

(Spits and groans)

I think that was the hard way.

Ravi, you've got to see this!

I am busy preparing for my auction.

The most sophisticated art connoisseurs in town are attending, assuming the pig race lets out in time.

This is going to help your auction!

We just found out Wildfire can paint!

What? Horses cannot paint.

This one can. He's a true artist. See?

Careful! Horse poop!

Thank the gods I did not ruin my custom-made, all-weather orthopedic sandals.

(Wildfire grunting) Whoa!

Did... Did Wildfire just paint that?

Yes. Isn't that amazing?

I suppose if an elephant can paint, so can a horse.

And I bet those art snobs would pay top dollar for these two paintings made by a horse.

True. As of now, you are both officially excused from painting.

Both: Yes! So you can spend every waking moment making sure Wildfire paints a lot more canvases.

Both: No!

Your horsey is going to make us a fortune! (Chuckles)

Hello, telescope!

(Squishing sound)

And goodbye sandals.

Ow! Whoever named these "softballs" never dropped one on their foot.

It's too hot for softball.

We want to go on the water. So get us a raft, before we paddle you across the lake.

Well, since you asked so nicely...

Watch it! Momma just took her piggies to town, and they're still wet.

Hazel!

Your Weasels are driving me crazy!

I like to think of them as our Weasels.

And it's the CIT's job to deal with the campers.

Then what's your job?

To find a CIT to deal with the campers.

But in Woodchuck Cabin, Lou always helps Emma.

Lou also plays the washboard in a jug band, and I'm not gonna do that either.

(Sighs) Just keep calm, and think of karaoke and kung pao.

And...

Done!

Well, that was easy.

Wildfire just did ten paintings in five minutes.

No, we did them, remember?

Okay, I'm gonna go play football.

And I'm gonna wear a helmet, so I don't end up like you.

Guys, great news!

The whole town is coming to my auction, and, now, the local TV station is covering it!

We're going to be on Eye Witness Moose Rump!

Wait, that's the name of this town?

What names did they not go with?

Everyone wants to come to the art auction to watch Wildfire paint live!

They do? Thanks to Wildfire's talents, I will make enough money to buy Gladys's Rump Plumper and a camp telescope!

She will get her bubble, and I will get my Hubble!

(Squishing sound)

Dang it!

Campers, huh?

Can't live with 'em, can't lose 'em in the woods.

(Laughs)

Hey, Zuri. Did you finally get the Weasels to bed?

Sure did.

Chasing me around with firecrackers really tuckered them out.

Now, I finally get to have some fun...

(Yawns) But first, I'm gonna get a bite to eat.

(Sighs)

(Snoring)

Now I feel bad.

Poor Zuri wanted so much to have fun with the big kids.

Yeah, but now she's too pooped to party.

(Loud snoring)

Okay, wildfire... (Wildfire whinnies)

...just paint on the canvas.

Okay. Just do what I do, all right?

Maybe he's more of a sculptor.

I give up. We can't give up!

When Wildfire can't paint at the art show, Ravi will be humiliated!

Jorge, you can lead a horse to water colors, but you can't make it paint.

Guys, I'm worried about Zuri.

This morning I saw the Weasels in arts and crafts, and I think they were building a coffin.

I miss Zuri so much, I just short-sheeted my own bed to remind me of her.

Yeah, I really miss her, too.

Does my Mozart poster look level?

(Panting) Emma, Lou...

I've lost my Weasels!

Congratulations.

I know, that would usually be a good thing, but if I don't find them, I could get in big trouble!

Well, where's Hazel?

Who knows? Probably out looking for eye of newt and toe of frog!

Look, I know I bailed on you guys, and it probably really hurt your feelings but...

Yeah, I needed extra room to grieve, so I took over your side of the cabin.

So I noticed.

Anyway, I need you guys.

Will you help me find them?

Of course we'll help you.

Woodchucks don't hold grudges.

Mostly because they have terrible short term memories.

What were we talking about again?

Don't worry, we're on it!

I'll use my super-human tracking skills.

I once tracked my pet pig, Penelope, across three states.

Why did she run away?

Little tip. Never kiss a pig after eating a ham sandwich.

(Clicks tongue) They know.

Howdy, art enthusiasts!

Prepare to be dazzled by the artistic talents of Wildfire, the painting horse!

He is a veritable Claude Mo-neigh!

(Laughs)

Ravi, we need to talk to you!

Not now. I am schmoozing the creme de la creme of the Moose Rump art community.

I must warm them up for Wildfire's performance.

Yeah, about that, there's a teeny, tiny little problem.

And it could kind of mess up your auction.

(Scoffs) Nothing could mess up my auction!

We have a horse who can paint!

Do we?

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our equine artiste, Wildfire!

Ravi! We're trying to tell you, Wildfire can't paint.

Yeah. We lied to you.

We did those paintings ourselves.

What? But the whole town came!

And Eye Witness Moose Rump is here! With Cletus and Clem!

We're really sorry.

I cannot believe you two! Why would you do that?

Because you hated our paintings, and you mentioned an elephant, and Griff wanted to play football, and the rest is all a blur!

I have no idea what you are babbling about, but thanks to you, I am going to be a laughing stock.

In our defense, you're halfway there wearing those chaps.

May I please have your attention?

It is with a heavy heart, but stylish chaps...

(People murmuring indistinctly)

...that I must inform you...

Ravi, stop talking!

The truth is, Wildfire cannot...

Ravi! Look!

(Sighs)

Crowd: Oh!

...wait to paint for you all! (Chuckles nervously)

Look! People are starting to bid!

I see one $100! I see $200!

I see my telescope!

Way to go, Wildfire! Attaboy!

(Whinnies)

Okay, I guess we deserved that.

Now who is the laughing stock?

Um... Still the dude in chaps.

(Inaudible)

(Sniffing) I smell weasel!

(Sniffing)

They're somewhere in these woods.

Uh, Lou? We're actually back at...

Shh! I can't listen and sniff at the same time.

And the rank stench of Weasel has led us to...

Our cabin.

Uh-oh.

(Yelling and screaming)

(Spray cans hissing)

What the dickery-do!

We've been Weaseled!

Just a little, friendly cabin rec-reation.

Accent on the wreck!

Quit it, you guys!

I'm going to tell Hazel.

Okay, I put plastic wrap on the toilet seats and baby powder in their hair dryers.

Hazel?

Dang, you're back!

We didn't get to release the flying cockroaches.

Hazel, you sent us on that wild Weasel chase?

Wait, is that why you took Zuri away from us?

Just so you could trash our cabin?

No, I took Zuri because I needed someone to do my work.

Trashing your cabin just popped into my head.

Like that strange voice that tells you that hairstyle looks good?

You are done, spider-witch!

Get ready to meet Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Kevin Hart!

My right fist is a lot smaller than my left.

Thanks, Lou, but you can put The Rock and Kevin away, I got this.

What are you gonna do about it, Crybaby In Training?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I quit! And you Weasels are going to clean up this place, or else!

Or else what?

(Grunts)

I didn't see that coming.

Who's next?

I vote for Emma.

And when you're done running, you come back here and clean this mess up!

You can't even lift a raft.

How did you throw Lydia out the window?

I don't know.

I guess when I saw what they did, my adrenaline kicked in, and it gave me the strength of ten men.

Or 50 Ravis.

Well, it was awesome!

We should add Weasel Tossing to the camp Olympics.

Hey, it's one thing to mess with me, but you never mess with the Woodchucks.

Even though I'm not a Woodchuck anymore.

Sure you are. Once a Woodchuck, always a Woodchuck.

Thanks, guys. You know, I really missed you.

Even Tiffany's snoring.

Tiffany: For the last time, I have a gigantic uvula!

All: Tiffany?

It is so great to have all the Woodchucks back together again!

And I'm so happy to have my best friend back.

Aw, thanks, Tiffany.

Emma, Lou... I didn't realize being a CIT was so hard.

I just thought it would be staying out late and getting my moo shu pork on.

It's not your fault you couldn't handle those rabid Weasels.

I sure couldn't. I'm still having flashbacks.

(Shudders) See?

Meanwhile, to celebrate Zuri's return, Lou and I decided to have a Woodchuck-only karaoke night.

Awesome! It's going to be Conway Twitty city!

And Zuri, we know how bad you wanted to be a CIT, but you're still a little young...

So, we were wondering if you wanted to be a CITIT.

Counselor In Training, In Training! What's that?

Aw, thanks, guys!

Wait, this doesn't mean I have to do all your work, does it?

(Inhales sharply)

You should've asked that before you pinned on the badge!