02x07 - Camp Kiki-slasher

(Girl reading)

(Wolf howling)

(Thudding) (All screaming)

I just love horror movies!

Yeah, nothing like the sound of kids screaming in terror to make you feel all warm inside.

(Thudding) (All screaming)

There it is again.

Hey, Xander, are you screaming because you're scared, or because your bra is too tight?

I was screaming because Emma just ruptured my eardrums.

I'm sorry, but that was awful!

I mean, the killer's gloves didn't even match his boots!

When you think about it, the real victim was fashion.

This is the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced!

If you guys are afraid, you can hold on to me.

I stand corrected.

Popcorn! Popcorn!

Get it while it's hot!

Seriously, move on this now.

Imitation yak butter congeals quickly.

(All shushing)

We are missing the end of a great movie.

Slaughter Camp Five is the best summer camp slasher film ever made!

Right, Lou?

Well, as the power source, I think the movie is way too long.

Next summer, we're doing all short films.

(Reel stopping)

(All groaning)

Uh-oh, jelly legs. Going down.

Guys, this was a great way to begin our "Friday the 13th Horror Weekend!"

Yeah, we start with a scary movie, and finish with an even scarier barbecue.

What's so scary about the barbecue?

Murphy is cooking it.


That movie really freaked me out.

I might have my first non-mom-related nightmare.

I'm scared too.

That's why I'm sleeping with Woody.

Is that one of your stuffed animals?

No, it's my baseball bat.

Boo! (Both scream)

(Laughs) Gotcha!

Jorge, wait right here.

I would like to introduce you to Woody.

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪


♪ but watch your back a bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(Camera shutter clicking)

So, we have to take all of these tables down to the lake for the barbecue?

Yep. And remember, lift with your legs.

You don't want to throw out your back like you did last week.

Okay, in my defense, that was a very heavy and unwieldy balloon.

Okay, one, two, three!


Emma, Lou. Less sleeping, more lifting.


(Sighs) I was having a great dream.

Chris Hemsworth was shirtless and he was wishing Xander and me a very happy future together.

We didn't get any sleep last night.

Yeah, thanks to Ravi's scary movie, Tiffany and Zuri insisted on sleeping with us in our bunks.

Fun fact, Tiffany's a fear biter.

You guys ready for the big barbecue?

We got a lot of meat this year, thanks to that busy highway near the camp, and some very indecisive elk.

Oh, hey, why weren't you guys here earlier? We need help setting up.

I think you just answered your own question.

Jorge, take this napkin dispenser down to the lake.

Hey, Tiffany, think fast!

A pop quiz? No! I didn't study!



(All laughing)

Oh, for the love of cod!

I spent all morning getting the tire marks off that meat!

And you ruined my famous barbecue sauce!

Is this the same sauce that made the whole camp sick last year?

Yeah, that's what it's famous for. (Laughing)

(All laughing)

Oh, hardy-har-har.

Mark my words, you kids are gonna pay for this later!

(Gasps) What the heck happened here?

I'm pretty sure the kids just saved the whole camp from food poisoning.

Get back to work.

Tiffany, Zuri, Jorge, go out and get some more firewood.

Xander, Ravi, go check the side of the highway for more meat.

She knows there is a supermarket five minutes away, correct?

(Bushes rustling)

What was that noise?

If it's anything like that movie, it's the last thing we hear before we die.

(All screaming)


Jorge, what's wrong with you?

Don't answer that. We'll be here for hours.

Come on. This mask is scary, right?

Not as scary as the thing it was covering.


(Crow cawing)

Hey guys, wait up!

Look, I was just goofing...

There's someone right behind you!

Not again... Jorge, knock it off, or I'll restring my violin with your nose hair!

Are you trying to punish him, or you?


(Both scream)

Guys, something terrible is happening!

We know. Murphy's barbecuing road kill.

Hey, where I come from, that's good eats.

Like my dad always says, "Nothing tenderizes a possum like a big rig doing 70."

I'm talking about Zuri and Tiffany! Someone came after them!

He was wearing a scary mask and gloves...


And now we're supposed to freak out, run into the woods, and ha-ha, the joke's on us.

Enough with the pranks, okay?

I think Jorge might be telling the truth.

I mean, he was clearly just running.

Exactly! No prank is worth that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Let's say you are telling the truth, Jorge.

Isn't it more likely that Zuri and Tiffany got someone to help them prank you back for what you did last night?

That does sound like Zuri.

One time, Luke tricked her into going to school on a Saturday, so while she was there, she changed all of his grades to F's.

Oh, that is just what he told our parents.

He earned every one of those himself.

Xander's right. This is a classic re-prank sitch.

You got burned, Jorge.

I guess that makes sense.

So, have you learned your lesson?

You bet! I'm gonna go back out there and re-prank their re-prank.

I'm gonna scare 'em so bad they'll puke! (Chuckles)

Well, he better get them before dinner, or else they'll be all puked out.

(Laughs) Wait...

This is just like that scene in Slaughter Camp Five when no one believed the prankster.

Then, bam! He was split in half with a canoe paddle!

The physics of which are a tad iffy.

You know, Zuri and Tiffany have been gone a long time.

They're just goofing around. Everything's fine.

Jorge: (Screaming) No!

Or not.

Gladys! Did you hear that?

I think something terrible just happened to Jorge!

Oh, it's just a prank.

But, legally an authority figure is obligated to go check on him.

Not it!

Jorge! Jorge, are you okay?

Jorge, if this is another prank, you're going to wish you'd never been born!

Zuri? Tiffany? If you guys are pranking Jorge, and I get a stress pimple, you're going to wish you'd never been born!

Uh-oh... Guys, these are Jorge's glasses.

Are you sure? Yep. They're covered in peanut butter.

He uses them to scrape the bottom of the jar.

Maybe Jorge was telling the truth.

He doesn't go anywhere without his glasses. That's true.

He can't see without them. Or eat peanut butter.

Wait a minute... This is Zuri's "Reba Is My Co-Pilot" money clip!

Oh, no! She wouldn't go anywhere without that.

It's her two favorite things: country stars and cash!

Guys, the kids have gone missing one by one!

This is exactly how all the Slaughter Camp movies begin!

Except for Slaughter Camp Six, which was a musical comedy, and a real low point in the franchise.

Look, whatever the reason, we got a bunch of missing campers.

We've got to go tell Gladys! Yeah!

So she can tell someone who cares!

Gladys, help!

Zuri, Tiffany, and Jorge have gone missing!

You have to call the police!

And you might want to wipe your face before they get here.

You know, so the cops don't think you ate them.

You didn't, did you?

Those kids are just messing with you.

The only thing that's missing around here is a few stray cats.

Hint, they're in the nachos.


I can't believe Gladys wouldn't listen to us!

I can. In every horror movie, the authority figure never believes the frightened teens.

Though said figure does tend to get gutted like a fish late in the second act.

So, it evens out.

Okay. Okay, we'll have to handle this ourselves.

We need to split up. No! Never split up.

That is a classic horror movie miscalculation.

It will give the killer the opportunity to pick us off one by one.

Forget the movie! Emma and I will get a cellphone from Gladys's cabin.

And Ravi and I will search the camp for any signs of the kids.

Meet at the mess hall in 10 minutes, got it? Got it!


Just in case you're right about this horror movie thing, what happens to the goofy, good-natured gal?

Actually, she makes it to the end of the movie.

Oh, really? Until finally meeting her doom.

Usually by a sharp farm implement.

Okay, you're searching the tool shed.

We have to find a phone!

(Gasps) Look, the cellphone bag is under her bed!

Right next to several copies of Mountain Man Monthly.


Emma, what is it?

My case is scratched! (Sighs)

Okay. We really need to have a discussion about when it's appropriate to scream.

Call the police! Okay.

(Door closes)

What are you doing in my cabin?

Have you two been messing with one of my Morgan Ross hand puppets?

You have a hand puppet of my dad?

More than one?

What? Nothing. Never mind.

Are you trying to use your cellphones?

Gladys, we have to call the cops!

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

I can't believe you two don't know when you're being tricked.

Now, get out of my cabin.

(Both scoff)

(Door opens and closes)

Back off, Fireman Morgan.

Gladys is my woman!

No, she's not, Construction Worker Morgan. She's my woman.

(Chuckles) Oh, boys, boys, please...

You're going to have to get along, especially if Astronaut Morgan is going to join us later.

(Giggling) Oh, hey... oh.

Okay, we're going to have to run to town to get help!

Let's go tell Lou and Ravi!

(Both gasp and scream)

There's no sign of Zuri, Jorge, or Tiffany!

It's like they vanished into thin air!

This is terrible!

I have been wishing Jorge would disappear since I met him, and now that it has really happened, I'm kind of sad about it.

Where's Emma and Xander? They should have been here by now!

No sign of them either.

But in horror movies, the overly affectionate couple always ends up dead.

Frankly, I am surprised they made it this long.

I can't believe this is happening! Who would do such a thing?

(Creaking) Hide! He's coming for us!

Oh, relax. It is just Murphy.

♪ Oh, what do you do when the kids are jerks?

♪ What do you do when the kids are jerks?

♪ What do you do when the kids are jerks?

♪ You chop until it hurts! ♪

(Sniffles) Did you hear that?

Indeed. That was totally off key.

No! I mean, what if Murphy is the killer?

He has access to knives. He said we'd "pay" for ruining his sauce.

And now he's singing a song about chopping up kids!

That is impossible.

Think about it. Murphy has been slowly poisoning us with his horrible food.

Maybe after what we did to him this morning, he decided to speed up the process.

No, I mean, it is impossible because in horror movies, it is never the most obvious suspect.

Really? Yes.

Just like in Slaughter Camp Seven when the killer turned out to be an enraged dandelion.

Not only was it a brilliant twist, but also an insightful commentary on global warming.


Hurry, help! I am hurrying.

We must run to town to get help!

Hang on, I left my flashlight in the mess hall.

I'll be right back.

Never say, "I will be right back!"

You just broke the number one rule in horror movies!

(Lou screaming)

You see, I was right! May you rest in peace.


Have to get to town to get the police!

If I meet my demise, whoever finds this, please show it to the authorities and upload it to the internet.

If I must die, it would be nice to at least go viral.

(Branch snapping)

(Man whistling)

(Gasps) Lou was right! Murphy is the killer!

He is very clearly burying... (Screams)

(Whimpering) Please, do not kill me!

The only thing I've ever kissed is a watermelon with lipstick!

Dude, TMI.

Timmy? Wait! You are the killer?

Relax! There is no killer.

Everyone is safe in the barn.

(Exhales) Oh, thank goodness!

Ravi, why are your pants all wet?

I sat in a puddle.

Check this out!


So, this was all just an elaborate prank?


Hey, Ravi! Sit in another puddle?

They are ubiquitous!

We're all helping Timmy get revenge on Gladys for kicking him out of camp.

Yeah, we're making it look like we've all been murdered, and that the crazy killer is coming after Gladys.

The fake blood is actually barbecue sauce! Yup!

Jorge, please stop eating your make-up.

Hey, what happened to my other sponge?

I thought it was bread.

The best part is everyone gets to choose how they want to die!

Not everyone.

(Sighs) Zuri, for the last time, "In the arms of Blake Shelton" is not an option.

At least let me make the phone call.

Murphy, I've got your paycheck!

And you'll never guess where I've hidden it.




(Gasps) Please! Don't hurt me, I'm on your side!

I never even liked that kid.

Or any kid. Help!


(Gasps) Zuri! What happened?

(Gasping) I think I failed archery.


This is a nightmare!

Not to mention, my insurance is going to go through the roof!

(Gladys screams)

Zuri, hang in there!

Sorry, bad choice of words.


(Doorknob rattling)


I have a splitting headache.

(Gladys gasping)

"You're next, Gladis?" And they spelt my name wrong!




I need to call the police!

(Gasps) The cellphones!

Dang it, it slipped!


Wow, you killers move really fast! Good talk, bye.


(Both gasping)

Ravi, you're alive!

We need to get to town to find help!

We will never make it!

We must hide in the barn and hope the killer moves on to the camp across the lake.

Oh, that'd be great. I borrowed a bunch of money from the owners!

So how did you escape?

I outran the killer.

Outran? You? Really?

Oh, come on! Oh!

(Both panting)

We should be safe in here.


I said I wanted my belly button pierced...

I should have been more specific...


Emma! No!

Gladys, you stay here. I will lock the back door.

Oh, you poor, poor thing.

Hey, that is a really nice ring.

(Ravi screaming)

Look, Gladys. I finally caught a baseball...

Guess I can check that off my bucket list.


Wait! There's three of you?

Oh, please, don't hurt me!

I won't tell anybody what you've done to the kids.

I've dreamt of doing the same thing many, many, many times...

Hello, Gladys. Remember me?

(Gasps) Timmy! What's going on?

You kicked me out of camp, so now I'm kicking you out of camp forever.

Timmy, please don't hurt me!

You can come back to camp!

A bunch of bunks have just become available.

Too late! (Screaming)

Ew. She fell face first in cow poop.

And with her mouth open. (All laughing)

That was awesome! We scared Gladys to death!

Speaking of, should somebody check her pulse?

We're good.

And I'll take my ring back.

Thanks, guys! Everybody did such a great job!

Yeah, Xander even built a breakaway door in our cabin to slam his fist through.

Actually, that was the real door.

I should probably go to the infirmary.

Can you believe Gladys actually thought there was a killer at camp?

(Both laughing) Sucker.

(All screaming)

Well, I guess nobody wants dessert.

(Indistinct chatter)

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You know, I'm really upset you guys thought I was a psychopathic killer.

Well, you were singing a song about being angry and chopping up kids.

That's just how I blow off steam.

The only thing I've ever murdered is the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Gosport Harbor Lobster Emporium.

(Clears throat)

But what about when we spilled barbecue sauce all over you?

And you vowed to "make us pay."

Yeah, pay for a new apron.

That sauce burns right through cotton.

Very well. But what in the name of horror movie cliches were you burying in the woods?

All the trash from the barbecue. I can't burn it anymore.

The crematorium across the lake complained about the smells.

Hey, Timmy, that was the best prank of all time!

You're going to be a Camp Kikiwaka legend!

Well, we should enjoy it while we can.

When Gladys wakes up, we're all going to be living out in the woods with Timmy.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, gang! Can I join you? Those s'mores smell dee-licious.

Gladys, you are not angry with us?

No way. I love a good scare! (Chuckles)

Then you should swim in your toxic lake sometime.

Yesterday, I saw a fish with hands.

Hey, Timmy, I've been really unfair to you, and I want to apologize.

You do? Yes.

In fact, I want you to come back and stay at Camp Kikiwaka.

And to make up for what I've done, I'm going to spend every single second Of every single day with you. (Chuckles)

What? I'd rather go back to the woods!

I think he made the right choice.