05x01 - Lou's Still the Boss, but Now There's a Ross

[bunniefuu]

Good to be back at Camp Kikiwaka.

Another year older.

Another year wiser.

Another year not up to code.

- Hey, Lou!

- Noah!

Is there's something different about you?

Guilty.

One of my ear lobe implants leaked.

So I got a new pair, upgraded to the ones that wiggle.

Uh-huh?

Finn!

- Welcome back!

- Hey!

Sweet lobes, dude.

You spring for the wigglers?

You know it.

Is it true you started shaving over the school year?

Yep.

Those three hairs didn't stand a chance.

Three hairs?

How cute.

Yeah, this is where I exit.

Great to see you, Matteo's dad.

Uh!

You must be talking about the old soup strainer.

Matteo, take that ridiculous thing off.

You look like...

Well, you look like Matteo with a fake mustache.

Take it off?

You must mean shave it off, and sorry, friend.

No can do.

This here smile hat is a part of me now.

Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to be part of something else.

- Noah!

Hey!

- How are you?

Excited to be back.

Remember how last year I only came here to make my mom mad?

As any well-adjusted person would.

Well, this year, I'm all in.

I have so many great ideas to make this summer amazing for my adoring campers.

And here's one now.

Time for a tearful reunion so that our epic summer can start.

Destiny!

Emma?

It's Ava.

Oh, that makes more sense.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

- Emma?

- [GASPS] Lou!

[BOTH SQUEAL]

I have been dreaming of this moment ever since you left.

Granted, in my dreams, I'm also married to a centaur Chris Evans.

But this is better because it's actually happening.

Oddly enough, I've met Chris Evans, and he does like to count by pawing the ground.

Aren't you supposed to be in Milan debuting your new fashion line?

Yes, but I missed you so much I thought I'd fly here and surprise you.

Well done.

It's not easy to sneak up on someone in a helicopter.

Yeah, you have to have your pilot park really far away.

Totally ruined Obama's surprise party before I learned that.

Well, you are just in time for breakfast.

Oh no.

You're just in time for breakfast.

I have to change the menu.

Chef Jeff, Code Blonde Emma's here.

This is what we trained for.

So, you're the Emma Ross.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, I'm sure whatever they said is just an exaggeration.

Probably.

I mean, what girl owns her own island?

Exactly.

All lies.

I own three.

No!

Four!

My bad.

I always forget the small one.

Emma, while you're here, you have to stay with Ava and me.

Our old bunk mate, Gwen, couldn't make it this summer.

So we have the room.

It'll be just like old times.

Absolutely.

Is this Woodchuck cabin now?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Those cabins you built were, how should I put this delicately?

Swallowed by the bottomless pit of nothingness this entire camp is built on.

Oh!

Home sweet home.

So after they got destroyed, Lou moved the Woodchucks into an empty cabin.

But that cabin is still empty, right?

No, that's the Grizzly cabin.

And we are it's proud inhabitants.

I'm Noah.

Working actor.

Oh, nice to meet you, Noah.

Oh, wait!

Lou still let’s people bunk in that cabin, even with the ghost?

Uh, the ghost?

Yeah.

It's haunted by a boy who disappeared from there long ago.

A boy who disappeared?

But we lived in there last year.

How come no one told us it was haunted then?

Didn't you see the warning on the side of the cabin?

Guess these bushes covered it.

Huh?

I thought nothing could grow in this unholy soil.

"Do not enter... ghost boy." They didn't think to put it on the door?

Legend has it the only thing they found of the missing boy was his black Kikiwaka tee shirt.

They used to hear weird things, and smell even weirder things from inside.

They say the lost boy still haunts the cabin, looking for new campers to join him in the great beyond.

Anyway, so great seeing you guys.

Oh, and Matteo, you have something right there.

Ah, she noticed the new snot mop.

Okay, that one's definitely off the table.

So it's just you two this summer?

You know how picky Lou is about her Woodchucks.

She's still whittling down the short list.

She wants them to earn their spot here through hard work, dedication and loyalty.

We just said no stinkos.

Emma, is it true you're designing your own clothing line?

Yes.

I was mentored by no less than Giovanna Di Luca herself.

That is so cool.

I will definitely drop her name when I drop yours.

It's been an absolute dream.

Hanging out with A-list celebs, B-list celebs.

Let me guess, C-list celebs?

Ew, no.

But it's really just been nice to get out of the city.

Oh, Emma.

Speaking of the city, my friend Gwen could probably use some advice about city life from a pro.

Hey, I'm a city pro.

Well, tell her to e-mail me anytime.

Every girl needs a role model.

Hey, I'm a role model.

Thanks, Emma.

You're so selfless.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm selfless.

Can we talk about me for a minute?

It's just I have a long list of fun stuff to do this summer, and I really want to get started.

As for me, I came here to decompress, so I'm gonna spend the day at my secret hot spring.

You mean my secret hot spring?

I don't think so.

As far as I know, on GPS, it's still called Emma's secret hot spring.

If you girls didn't already have plans, I'd invite you to come along.

You're inviting me to the secret hot spring?

Eva never lets me go with her.

In my defense, I don't want you there.

Well, I'd love to have some company.

[GASPS] First one there gets an island.

[GASPS] I just remembered I have five.

Dang it!

It is on GPS.

Just north of something called Ravi's Ravine?

Who names these places?

Guys, there's nothing to be afraid of, because ghosts aren't real.

Huh, unlike this mouth brow.

Stop giving it nicknames!

Besides, we stayed here all last summer, and nothing happened!

Well, sometimes we did hear some weird scratching on the walls.

Those were raccoons.

And sometimes there was this nasty, mysterious smell.

That was you!

Guys!

Look, it's a black camp tee shirt, just like Emma said.

That doesn't prove anything.

One of us could have left it here last summer.

Uh, do you guys smell that?

Listen, I'd be pretty proud of this one, but it wasn't me.

All I can smell is my mustache glue.

I mean, mustache hair!

Man problems, am I right?

[BOY WAILING]

Is it just my new lobes, or did you guys hear that too?

[BOY WAILS]

Okay, there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Hey, Ava.

Quick favor.

Is it cool if we Grizzlies crash on your floor tonight?

Why?

I mean, hard no, but like why?

We just want to spend some time with you guys and not get dragged to the underworld by a vengeful specter in our cabin.

Coming on a little hot for day one, Noah.

Okay, I'm all tuned up.

Wait till you hear my new song at campfire tonight.

I'm gonna blow people away like they haven't been blown away since the last time I blew them away.

I hope you put a little more thought into your lyrics.

And that's when Oprah took me by my shoulders, stared deep into my eyes and said, "Emma, the secret is you!" Emma, you're definitely Camp Kikiwaka's most impressive alum.

And I'm saying that knowing full well Ravi went to Mars.

Lou, since Emma will only be here for a little while, would you mind if instead of a campfire sing-along tonight, we hear some more of her amazing stories.

Great idea, Destiny.

The arts are always the first thing to go.

I'd love to tell more stories, but as for only staying a little while, I've just been so swamped in Milan, I could really use a break.

And I love it so much here at camp, I thought maybe I would stay the whole summer.

- Really?

- That would be amazing!

Yeah!

So amazing!

But won't the fashion world miss you?

Oh, it'll be fine.

And Lou, you said enrollment is way up this year.

So I thought maybe I could help you the way you helped me when I was running the camp.

Like, be your assistant camp director.

Assistant camp director?

Lou, you've always said you didn't want an assistant.

How do you feel about this?

You mean getting to work with my bestie again?

Hold, please.

[LOU WHOOPING]

Oh, I guess she feels pretty good about it.

Looks like a nasty storm's coming in.

I can feel it in my curls.

You know, your phone has a weather app on it, right?

How amazing is it that Emma will be here all summer?

I know.

She is such a good friend, willing to put aside her fabulous life just to help me out here.

She cares about his camp so much.

She might not be doing it for just the camp.

I got a little curious as to why Emma was so ready to walk away from all that fabulousness.

So I was doing a little creeping, uh, research, and that's when I found this.

A baby panda sneezing?

Wrong video.

I went down a rabbit hole.

But then I found this!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

That's Emma, walking the runway in Milan.

It's the debut of her fashion line.

How could my bestie not show me this video?

You're about to find out.

- [EMMA SCREAMS] - She stumbled.

You can recover, Emma.

Yeah, she doesn't.

- [EMMA SCREAMS] - No!

She fell off the stage and right on to... Beyonce!

She Beyonced right off her!

Whatever you do, don't read the comments.

They're right there.

[READING] "Emma Ross really puts the fall in her fall line?" How could someone say something so mean?

Oh, wait.

Their name is koala-puncher .

That tracks.

Seems like Emma didn't come back here to decompress or to help out.

She came back to hide because she was embarrassed.

Are you guys talking about me?

No, no, no!

We were just talking about my Aunt Earlene, who came here once to get out of town after she got caught stealing a recipe to enter a pie making contest.

Is this story making sense yet?

Because I can keep it going.

You found the video, didn't you?

Huh, what?

What video?

Pfft.

EMMA: [THROUGH PHONE] I'm sorry, Beyonce and Beyonce's husband!

Oh, that!

It wasn't you.

It was someone else.

How could this have happened to me?

- Emma Ross!

- Will you mute that already?

Okay, fine.

I did come here to hide.

At first, life in Milan was going great.

All the stories I told you were true.

But then I got the chance to debut my own line.

It was the only thing I'd ever done in fashion without my mom.

I started off the show as the first model, but then, when I got out there, I suddenly got really nervous, and then...

Smushed a national treasure.

Sorry.

Worse.

After I landed on Beyonce, she fell into J-Lo, who fell into Rihanna, who fell into Lady Gaga.

It was like diva dominoes.

So many voices screaming at me in perfect pitch.

So what did you do?

I just ran out of there.

And how am I supposed to be a successful fashion designer if I can't even do the simplest part of it?

I'm a failure and a liar.

I'm sorry.

Well, okay, now I feel bad.

Are you watching Sneezing Panda again?

I need something to cheer me up.

Matteo, I still don't think this is a good idea.

Can't we just stay at Firefly cabin?

Absolutely not.

They keep the lights on all night and the kids from Moth cabin keep bumping into the window.

Hey, let's just go talk to Lou about the ghost.

She'll never believe us!

Last year, you said you couldn't bathe because the shower was haunted.

And your tooth brush was haunted.

And the laundry room was haunted.

Yeah, that all worked out pretty well for me.

Not for us!

Guys, this conversation is moot anyway, because ghosts aren't real!

You're right.

From now on, Noah Lambert is being brave.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[ALL SHUDDERING]

[DOOR CREAKING]

I've been waiting for you.

Ghosts are real!

Ghosts are real!

Out of my way!

Coward coming through!

Ugh!

The helicopter won't pick me up in the storm.

But I came all the way out here.

Oh, come on.

The weather is not that bad.

[THUNDERCLAP]

Not helping.

Okay, fine.

I'll find shelter until it's safe.

But then I wanna go to my biggest island.

[SHRIEKS]

Okay.

I've got to talk to Lou about better helicopter parking.

Okay, now, how is it you’re sure all this stuff gets rid of ghosts?

Last year, I tried out for a ghost-hunter type movie.

And in my audition scene, they used a salt water balloon and sage to neutralize the ghost.

Then they sucked it up with a vacuum.

And did all that work in the movie?

No clue.

I didn't get the part.

Now, all we need is Finn to get here with the sage, and we're ready.

Okay, let's kick some ghost butt.

- Who's this?

- This is Sage.

You said ghosts hate Sage.

Don't worry.

Living people think you're great.

I meant the herb sage!

I guess she'll do.

When the ghost shows up, try to be repulsive.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[ALL GASPING, SHUDDERING]

Show yourself, ghost!

[BOY WAILING]

[SCREAMING]

Finn, now!

Be gone, you soulless beast.

Sorry, I panicked.

Matteo, go!

[WHIRRING]

Why isn't it working?

I don't know!

[STRAINING]

I've been compromised!

Save yourselves!

Stop, stop!

What are you guys doing?

Sending you back from whence you came!

Milwaukee?

[GRUNTS]

Wait a minute.

Are you a ghost?

No, I'm Paul!

I'm your new bunk mate.

Lou signed me to the Grizzly cabin.

She told me you guys were super welcoming.

Oh!

We are, aren't we?

No, you're not!

Geez, there are a couple of nicer ways to say that.

So if you're not a ghost, what was that moaning in the bathroom earlier?

And the smell.

If you must know, I had some bad beef jerky on the drive up here.

Okay?

And why were you hiding just now?

I wasn't hiding.

I was napping.

There's not much to do when you can't find your counselor.

Huh!

I guess I never thought we'd get another Grizzly.

But welcome, roomie.

If you think about it, this is a real me cute kind of moment.

I'm not spending a summer with you weirdos.

I'm transferring cabins.

By the way, my mom gave me muffins to give you, but I'm taking them!

See?

Ghosts aren't real.

I hate to say I told you so, but...

[GROANS] Ow!

LOU: There she is!

Emma!

We've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing over there?

I'm trapped.

How did you find me?

We followed the smell of your perfume.

- I don't wear perfume.

- So you just smell like that?

[THUNDERCLAP]

We need to get you back over here before we all become human s'mores.

[GASPS] We're gonna move this log across the ravine.

Emma, hold tight.

We're making you a new bridge.

One, two, three!

[GIRLS STRAINING]

Okay, Emma, come on over.

Are you kidding me?

I can't even walk a runway without falling.

Emma, you won't fall!

So what if you made one little mistake?

You just need to get your confidence back.

[SIGHS] I'm scared.

Of course you are!

Don't you think I was scared when I had to take over this camp?

But I believed I could do it because I got that letter from you on my first day, saying that you believed in me, and I believe in you.

I appreciate it, Lou, but you kind of have to say those things because we're besties.

Well, you and I sure as heck aren't besties.

Ava!

Now is not the time!

Here's the truth.

You're Emma Ross!

You're a legend here!

You bought this camp when it was basically b*rned to the ground.

There were campers and counselors who needed a home.

And you made that happen.

Oh!

Lou, you told the new people all that?

You were strong enough to help turn this camp into what it is now.

Then brave enough to leave and pursue your dreams.

If you can do all that and make an awesome person like me jealous, you can definitely do this.

[THUNDERCLAP]

Now get up on that log and work it like a runway.

Okay, okay.

[GASPS]

Emma, you're doing it!

[ALL CHANTING] Go, Emma!

Go, Emma!

No, Emma!

No, Emma!

We love the confidence.

But maybe dial it back just a tad.

I did it!

Yes, you did!

Group hug!

- [THUNDERCLAP]

- [ALL SHRIEK]

- Or not.

Maybe later.

- The hug was implied!

I still can't believe I pretended to grow that preposterous mustache.

Oh, Matteo.

Thank you for assuming I know what preposterous means.

I knew you started shaving during the year and I, just didn't want to come to camp and be the immature one.

Matteo, maturity comes in different forms, and you've always been the most mature of all of us.

- Really?

- Yes.

You don't need a mustache.

You're already an old man.

You're into bird watching and smooth jazz.

You sent me a birthday card with $ in it.

Yeah.

If you kept looking through your glasses while they were on your face, you'd basically be my grandpa.

Oh, thank you.

You scamps have really earned the butterscotch.

BOTH: Ooh!

Ah!

The girls doing everything while the boys eat candy.

Some things never change.

I can't believe you're leaving for Milan tomorrow.

And I can't believe, the more you sweat, the better you smell.

Yeah, scientists are studying me.

We're really gonna miss you, but we know you have a clothing line to debut.

Right.

Because if I can walk over a foot drop during a storm, I can do anything.

And this time, if I fall, I'm just gonna get up and keep going.

Aww!

And you learned all that because of us?

Well, that and Oprah's been texting the inspirational quotes non-stop.

Cool, cool.

Emma, tonight, at campfire, will you still tell us one last story about Milan?

Actually, I would really like to hear the song that Ava wrote.

Really?

That's so nice.

But you're leaving tomorrow.

I think you should tell us a story.

No, I really want to hear the song.

No, I really want to hear about Oprah.

- No!

- Okay, okay.

We could do this all night.

How about someone tells us a ghost story?

ALL: No ghost stories!

For the last time, I am not a ghost!

Why do I feel like this is gonna be a crazy summer?

Because it always is.

What to buy this place for a dollar?

[MUSIC STOPS]

Okay, now, how is it you’re sure all this stuff gets rid of ghosts?

Last year, I tried out for a ghost-hunter type movie.

And in my audition scene, they used a salt water balloon and sage to neutralize the ghost.

Then they sucked it up with a vacuum.

And did all that work in the movie?

No clue.

I didn't get the part.

Now, all we need is Finn to get here with the sage, and we're ready.

Okay, let's kick some ghost butt.

- Who's this?

- This is Sage.

You said ghosts hate Sage.

Don't worry.

Living people think you're great.

I meant the herb sage!

I guess she'll do.

When the ghost shows up, try to be repulsive.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[ALL GASPING, SHUDDERING]

Show yourself, ghost!

[BOY WAILING]

[SCREAMING]

Finn, now!

Be gone, you soulless beast.

Sorry, I panicked.

Matteo, go!

[WHIRRING]

Why isn't it working?

I don't know!

[STRAINING] I've been compromised!

Save yourselves!

Stop, stop!

What are you guys doing?

Sending you back from whence you came!

Milwaukee?

[GRUNTS] Wait a minute.

Are you a ghost?

No, I'm Paul!

I'm your new bunk mate.

Lou signed me to the Grizzly cabin.

She told me you guys were super welcoming.

Oh!

We are, aren't we?

No, you're not!

Geez, there are a couple of nicer ways to say that.

So if you're not a ghost, what was that moaning in the bathroom earlier?

And the smell.

If you must know, I had some bad beef jerky on the drive up here.

Okay?

And why were you hiding just now?

I wasn't hiding.

I was napping.

There's not much to do when you can't find your counselor.

Huh!

I guess I never thought we'd get another Grizzly.

But welcome, roomie.

If you think about it, this is a real me cute kind of moment.

I'm not spending a summer with you weirdos.

I'm transferring cabins.

By the way, my mom gave me muffins to give you, but I'm taking them!

See?

Ghosts aren't real.

I hate to say I told you so, but...

[GROANS] Ow!

LOU: There she is!

Emma!

We've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing over there?

I'm trapped.

How did you find me?

We followed the smell of your perfume.

- I don't wear perfume.

- So you just smell like that?

[THUNDERCLAP]

We need to get you back over here before we all become human s'mores.

[GASPS] We're gonna move this log across the ravine.

Emma, hold tight.

We're making you a new bridge.

One, two, three!

[GIRLS STRAINING]

Okay, Emma, come on over.

Are you kidding me?

I can't even walk a runway without falling.

Emma, you won't fall!

So what if you made one little mistake?

You just need to get your confidence back.

[SIGHS] I'm scared.

Of course you are!

Don't you think I was scared when I had to take over this camp?

But I believed I could do it because I got that letter from you on my first day, saying that you believed in me, and I believe in you.

I appreciate it, Lou, but you kind of have to say those things because we're besties.

Well, you and I sure as heck aren't besties.

Ava!

Now is not the time!

Here's the truth.

You're Emma Ross!

You're a legend here!

You bought this camp when it was basically b*rned to the ground.

There were campers and counselors who needed a home.

And you made that happen.

Oh!

Lou, you told the new people all that?

You were strong enough to help turn this camp into what it is now.

Then brave enough to leave and pursue your dreams.

If you can do all that and make an awesome person like me jealous, you can definitely do this.

[THUNDERCLAP]

Now get up on that log and work it like a runway.

Okay, okay.

[GASPS]

Emma, you're doing it!

[ALL CHANTING] Go, Emma!

Go, Emma!

No, Emma!

No, Emma!

We love the confidence.

But maybe dial it back just a tad.

I did it!

Yes, you did!

Group hug!

- [THUNDERCLAP]

- [ALL SHRIEK]

- Or not.

Maybe later.

- The hug was implied!

I still can't believe I pretended to grow that preposterous mustache.

Oh, Matteo.

Thank you for assuming I know what preposterous means.

I knew you started shaving during the year and I, just didn't want to come to camp and be the immature one.

Matteo, maturity comes in different forms, and you've always been the most mature of all of us.

- Really?

- Yes.

You don't need a mustache.

You're already an old man.

You're into bird watching and smooth jazz.

You sent me a birthday card with $ in it.

Yeah.

If you kept looking through your glasses while they were on your face, you'd basically be my grandpa.

Oh, thank you.

You scamps have really earned the butterscotch.

BOTH: Ooh!

Ah!

The girls doing everything while the boys eat candy.

Some things never change.

I can't believe you're leaving for Milan tomorrow.

And I can't believe, the more you sweat, the better you smell.

Yeah, scientists are studying me.

We're really gonna miss you, but we know you have a clothing line to debut.

Right.

Because if I can walk over a foot drop during a storm, I can do anything.

And this time, if I fall, I'm just gonna get up and keep going.

Aww!

And you learned all that because of us?

Well, that and Oprah's been texting the inspirational quotes non-stop.

Cool, cool.

Emma, tonight, at campfire, will you still tell us one last story about Milan?

Actually, I would really like to hear the song that Ava wrote.

Really?

That's so nice.

But you're leaving tomorrow.

I think you should tell us a story.

No, I really want to hear the song.

No, I really want to hear about Oprah.

- No!

- Okay, okay.

We could do this all night.

How about someone tells us a ghost story?

ALL: No ghost stories!

For the last time, I am not a ghost!

Why do I feel like this is gonna be a crazy summer?

Because it always is.

What to buy this place for a dollar?